Click any line to jump to that moment in the audio.
It's a day or so later after the rousing auditions as Ignatius called them for his new adventuring
group heading deep within the Mii Mountains in search of pirate treasure.
You all have your adventuring gear on, you're all ready to go and Ignatius has told you
to meet him by the brothel which there's a convenient path that heads out over the hills
and up to the mountains from that point, and as you all gather there we see Bench
and Kav, two of Ignatius's bodyguards, Daryl and Gothar, and approaching the group
is Bonwyn who's coming up to the scene and you hear Ignatius calling out to the
small group that he has ahead of him, rather too loud, he says our dearest
Carys could not make it as you can see they are not here, they have not sent a note,
I've sent people to see if they are okay, if they are alive or dead.
There is nobody in this town by the name of Carys which is unbelievable.
We checked with all of the registrars, we checked with all of the licensees,
and we could not find them, so we will not sleep until we find Carys and bring them back to us, dearest Carys.
Kav puts his hand up. Have you considered maybe they just moved here? Did you check with the welcome wagon?
We have not checked with the welcome wagon. Gothar, please put a note when we get back,
check with the welcome wagon, we will find Carys. Thank you, thank you, Kav, was it yes?
Kavlaran, Kavlaran, lovely to have you, good idea, that was a good idea there, Kav.
Oh, you know what Bench?
I think as this conversation is happening, Bonwyn has stopped a little ways away when she notices
that Alydin isn't there because the whole reason she's there is that she was worried about
you know the child going out into the woods adventuring, so she sort of stopped in view,
but maybe, like, I don't know if they notice me or not.
Bonwyn!
Ignatius, hello, hello, I, um, hello.
Hello, good to see you, you have come to join the crew.
Um, well, I-
Great, I'm glad to hear it, coming along. You know what, I did invite one other along here
who should be here momentarily, and he's looking around, looking up and down the streets,
um, when out of the brothel comes Bizard the Wizard, who anybody local to the community knows,
but for the crew here who maybe hasn't listened to both of the previous episodes,
which have not fully come out yet, if you could describe Bizarre in his adventuring gear
as he's coming down towards the group.
I really like that you started it, Russ, like we had the opportunity to listen to both halves.
Yeah, what have you been doing, Tom?
Tom's the only one.
I mean, I'm unable to listen to an unfinished product in any way she performs,
so I don't know what you want from me here.
You could do, like, second round edits, we could all know what's happening except for Amy.
There we go, yeah, she'll appreciate it.
Absolutely.
Uh, Bizarre's, uh, adventuring gear, you know, he's not wearing his, like,
nicer clothes that he would wear in his shop, so, like, instead of the,
the red shirt embroidered with butterflies and everything, it's kind of just, like,
a green shirt.
It's made to get dirty.
Um, honestly, it probably harkens back to, uh, to his, like, school clothes,
but, um, made to get into a mess.
He's got a nice, uh, overcoat and everything, his gnarled wooden staff with him,
and a spellbook still, you know, attached to the, to the sash around his waist.
Um, but yeah, and hair is not made up today.
You don't, you don't do your hair when you're going on an adventure.
It's just gonna get must up, so there's no point.
My dear friend from the mayor's office, Bizard the Wizard, will be joining us.
We, we must have some sort of magical influence on this if we're to find the treasure, right?
I think so, Ignatius.
How are you doing today?
Oh, doing just fantastic.
Look at this fine group we have ahead of us.
All smiling, all ready to go, especially Bonwyn,
who looks like she was fully prepared to be here and coming on this adventure.
Absolutely ready to adventure without Alydin.
Charis.
Yes, dearest Charis.
Everybody keeps saying Alydin.
I don't understand this.
Uh, that's, must be, must be one of the kids' slang these days that I'm just not familiar with.
Uh, but, ah, here we go.
Who knows a rousing song?
Hi-ho, hi-ho.
And he turns and he begins walking, uh, up the path and through the mountains
while, uh, his two bodyguards are at least following him,
leaving everybody to, uh, sit for a moment before you choose to go after Ignatius.
So Bonwyn, you, you know Ignatius a little bit, right?
Like-
For sure, yeah.
I've been making weapons for him for the years.
Is bursting into song and marching off like an everyday occurrence or-
I mean, I'm not normally with him.
I mean, normally he's running the brothel, so he's sort of doing, um, but I do feel like,
um, one of the workers at the brothel did tell me that every morning
they have to get together before they open the doors and do like a big cheer.
Wow, okay.
To kind of get them pumped up for the day.
Um, so I guess it is in character.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Bazaar, do you spend a lot of time at the brothel?
Well, you know-
What do you, have you seen that?
I have, actually.
It's just part of the, uh, part of the morning get up and go,
get a little bit of energy going, bust out the positivity.
Um, you know, you just got to do these things to get ready for a nice day of business.
Uh, because you want to greet your customers with the kind of positivity that they deserve.
So, um, which I mean, there's got to be some positivity starting up.
The Smithy and everything, right, Bonwyn?
How's your father?
Oh, oh, that's kind of you to ask.
Um, they're great.
They're kind of retired down to the lake now and just, um, you know,
driving each other a little bit crazy because he's used to being so busy.
But, you know, he's building decks and the neighbor's decks and just, he needs tasks.
Well, good.
Glad to hear that he's getting some time off.
Of course, the shelves that y'all had helped me hang up whenever I first got into town
are still there, holding up all the magnificent trade that I have ready for
all the clientele here in Vintersmouth.
So thank you again for that kind of help getting me set up.
I would, I would ask for more, but you did such a damn good job the first time
that I just haven't needed to fix anything.
Well, you know, new people come to town.
You've got to welcome them because everybody's, you know,
going to contribute something positive.
That's right.
We have a whole wagon for it.
There's some quick footsteps coming back to you and it's Ignatius and he's running back.
And we, we got to the hills and you haven't come yet.
All right, another round.
Every morning there's a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed.
See, we all know this one.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast.
I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
He, him, also with me is Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane.
She, her.
I could just take this and do a like, you know, in green or something.
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave.
He, him.
Oh, okay.
So like a marathon versus a sprint.
And Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard.
He, him.
Basically, once she makes it with some water, it's like a nice pitcher of sweet tea.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon-supported podcast.
Join us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast
and get yourself a free seven-day trial to see what's happening over there.
It's bonus content, hangouts, screen games.
It's a whole lot of fun.
And now, fuck it.
Let's play.
We are farther along the way.
We're down into some kind of the where the foison hills meet the mean mountains.
There's a lot of shrubbery and tall grasses that everybody's wading through.
Bench is up ahead clearing the way with his, what does he have, sickle.
Sure.
He's got a sickle.
Absolutely.
Bench is up and clearing the way with his sickle.
Ignatius is singing another song way too loud at the back of the group.
Just driving everybody forward.
And it's getting near nighttime because the hills are quite a long ways.
And he had you meet late afternoon, which is the best time to start adventuring, he thought.
Anyway, really get that golden hour in there.
Yeah, I mean, it is it is magnificent here in this golden field.
It looks the light is gorgeous.
But how much longer do you think we have until we should take a break?
Well, are you keen to travel at night?
Are you willing to risk that or perhaps we should go ahead and look for a safe place
to set up camp off the road for fear of ne'er-do-wells who may travel it?
Yeah, camp, setting up camp is probably making dinner.
Yes, yes, yes.
Good point.
Ne'er-do-wells sound like just a great thing to add to our list of bingos to check off.
But perhaps, yes, perhaps we'll take the campfire and just settle in and see how the
night treats us.
I will start unpacking what I have here.
And you notice he doesn't have a bag and he just goes and finds a stump to sit on
and is looking.
He pulls out a wrinkled sheet of parchment and unrolls it and he's just examining
it there humming to himself.
So he didn't really say like who's doing what in the camp?
No, I think it's Daryl and what was the other guard's name?
Gothar.
Gothar.
Are these, I mean, I've already established I know most of the guards at the brothel
so I probably know them.
We'll say they're the two that you had tipped that first session we met them.
Guys, what were your strengths other than strength?
Other than looking at each other?
Of course.
Yeah, I'm not much of a cook so I don't think I should do that but I'm
happy to collect firewood, you know, do my turnout watch, I don't know.
Let's just sort of figure out where everyone's strengths lie and just do that.
Yeah, no, that sounds like a good idea.
It looks like Bench is already trying to get a fire going or at least clearing a spot there.
Yeah, I'm just putting some rocks around so we don't light the tall grasses on fire.
We haven't picked a great spot for just wildfire spread.
Yeah, just dry fire.
Yeah, just these dry hills.
It's a drought time that we've come and we're like, hey, let's start a fire.
Yeah, it's a great idea.
I don't know, just packing rocks around in a circle down on the ground.
It's too bad that kid couldn't come.
They probably could have helped out with this lifting of rocks.
Anyways.
Well, I think y'all got it.
If anything, I used to help my mother clean some dishes when we needed some
extra money.
So I'd be glad to take care of any post-dinner necessities such as cleaning things.
That's not a problem for me.
Great, great.
Kav?
You know what?
It's been a while, but I used to do like the camp cook thing so I could take a stab
at dusting off the skills.
Amazing.
That'd be super.
Did anybody bring food?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I have some, I assume we all brought some stuff to Lake.
I brought some sausages and, you know, that we can kind of make together into a…
Yeah, I brought some great bars full of energy.
That's what I brought.
Really just pumps the gut.
I got a shake here, too.
Well, I mean, you got to maintain that intake, right?
Yeah, gotta keep it up.
I forgot it was that or the fried foods.
It's kind of the only…
Protein and fats.
Fats and oils.
Yeah.
Great.
Okay, well maybe while I'm getting firewood, I can also look for like some dandelion stems,
maybe some greens.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Okay.
We'll make it work.
Everybody goes off and they get doing their own thing.
Let's roll for just to see how successful we are at this and that'll determine
how we set up the next little jump cut here.
Kav, you are cooking.
Do you want to roll me a survival, please?
I would love to after I open my D&D Beyond Character Sheet.
You would think that, wouldn't you?
We were talking about weapons, Tom.
Going on an adventure, prepped everybody to roll dice.
Closed it.
Yep.
I had it open, looked for stuff, and then closed it when I was done with it.
Don't need this anymore.
Haven't played yet.
Done with this.
Not starting on like a two and a half hour session of D&D, nope.
Someone delivered you sweet, sweet desserts.
I lost my mind.
All right.
Okay, so we're doing survival.
Yes, please.
Okay, that's a plus two for Kav and that's a net 20.
What?
Damn.
Dang.
Dang.
Boom.
Some good camp food.
So you were gifted in order to cook sausage.
Love it.
Protein bars, a protein shake, we'll say there is some bread or some muffins of some sort,
and Ignatius would have brought, one of the only things he brought is like a
six shakers of a variety of spices.
Love it.
Yeah.
What did Bizard bring for sustenance?
Bizard would have brought some concentrated liquid that basically once you mix it with
some water, it's like a nice pitcher of sweet tea.
He loves his sugary things here and there.
So instant sweet tea pretty much, just mix it with some water, it's good to go.
That and probably some key lime tarts.
Love it.
Yeah.
Sounds nice after a long day of adventuring.
I thought maybe it was customary for Bizard to wear onions on his belt.
Well, I guess Russ, you want me to roll and see how good I do at my foraging?
Give me your foraging.
So probably also survival unless you want to roll.
Nature?
Yeah, nature would work there too, if that's better for you.
That's not a poisonous plant, thank God.
Nature is better for me, so it's a dirty 20.
I'm finding onions, I'm finding greens.
Spring onions out the wazoo.
Amazing.
Okay, then yeah, onions, greens, you are able to come across some small wildlife,
if that is of interest to you.
So you would be able to come across some rabbits or squirrels, nothing too big.
But if you wanted to bring something like that back,
and by bring something like that back, I mean hunt.
Yeah, I could hunt for something and then we'll save the sausages
for when we don't have fresh game.
Okay, there you go.
Yep, makes sense.
Rabbit and a couple squirrels based on that roll.
So you're keeping track of this, Tom,
because we're going to cut to you in just a moment
and describe this so we're getting there.
Ben?
While you master chef this up.
I'll start taking interest here.
Okay, rabbit, squirrels.
Doesn't open his character sheet, doesn't take notes.
Did we forget how to play?
You reeled them off so fast before, Russ.
I was like, oh, okay, like we're just going to say I made something great.
Let's go.
Okay, we got protein bars, protein shake, probably some bread.
Bread, key lime tarts.
Sweet tea, key lime tarts, I mean.
Sweet tea.
A random assortment of six different spices.
Oh, and spices.
Yeah.
Well, I believe my famous six spiced rabbit will be coming into play.
No. Bench rolled a 19 for survival in building this fire.
But there's not a lot of wood to come back with Darryl and Gothar as they rolled a six.
All muscle, not a lot of adventuring substance.
Well, maybe the fire is good because it is small,
because of all that dry grass we mentioned.
That's right, you just keep throwing grass on from around it
just to keep it going.
Love it.
And then Bizarre, you're going to be on cleanup duty.
Yeah, I feel like we're in a survival mode or a nature mode.
Maybe a sleight of hand?
Yeah, yeah, we'll do a sleight of hand.
Acrobatic, how much are you showing off while you're doing this?
Oh, I'll use Mage Hand and make it a performance.
He's kind of a showman behind his counter, so why not go ahead and make at least
the most mundane aspect of surviving entertaining.
So, yeah, we'll introduce a little bit of my magical hand to help out here.
And that's a 12 total.
12 total, give you a couple plus with the Mage Hand.
So we'll give you a 14, which is an absolute success.
So everybody goes off and they find all of the things that they need.
And for all intents and purposes, despite the fact that this is just a ragtag group of people who
prepared for themselves, but not necessarily for all of them for the exact instance that
they are experiencing right now, things are looking great.
You all sit down as it's kind of dusk.
The fire is going, Bench is tossing grass on to keep it moving for
Cav who's putting together a delicious meal.
And Cav, if you could describe the meal that you've put together for the group.
Sure, it is a sweet tea glazed rabbit, six spice rabbit with squirrel and protein bar
slash shake stew.
Nice.
Delicious.
Right?
Yum yum.
My goodness, this is just a delight.
They don't serve this back at any of the restaurants that I frequent.
Perhaps you should put it on the menu next time you're over there.
It really is delicious, Cav.
Can I just do that?
Can I put things on people's menus?
It's what I do all the time.
I go in and say what I want and then they give it to me.
And then I say, you should put that on the menu.
And next time I go in there, it's on the menu, but I order something different.
So it's like there's just this rolling menu everywhere I go.
It is quite a quite a treat.
I do love the excessively large menu when I pick a venue to eat at.
It's true.
It's best to not specialize in one specific thing.
It's best to diversify.
That way you've got something for everyone, right?
Sure.
Yep.
That makes a lot of sense why there's always a dish of the day
when I go to that restaurant around the corner because it's always so very unique.
Very specific.
Yes, yes.
Sometimes there's a lot of peanut butter involved.
Sometimes there's no peanut butter involved.
Sometimes it's on toast.
Other times crackers.
But there's always like every second day there's peanut butter?
Give or take, yes.
And there's always a mention of peanut butter on the menu.
So either it will have peanut butter or it does not have peanut butter.
Or it explicitly does not contain peanut butter.
What about peanuts or butter?
Good question.
Oh, I haven't yet thought of this.
That's like a deconstructed peanut butter.
Yeah, you could say that.
He pulls out a small notebook and he writes it down.
Deconstructed peanut butter.
Get them on that next time.
Gauthar, if I forget, please you do remember for me.
Yes, yes, of course, of course.
Well, that was a delight.
I'm about ready for sleep.
Who's tidying this up again?
Oh, that's me.
I've got it taken care of.
Don't worry.
Y'all can relax and I'll take care of the dishes.
Make sure they're all properly sanitized so that we may enjoy yet another good meal tomorrow.
Fantastic, fantastic.
Well, thank you for finding all those things.
Bonwyn and Gauthar and of course, I can remember Gauthar.
I can't remember Daryl.
Gauthar and Daryl, thank you so much for going out and just being motivational support
for Bonwyn.
I feel like that was what you brought along to this.
I'm going to just roll up in here in this little sack beside.
It's sleep time, yes?
Who's going to watch me while I sleep?
Well, we don't watch you sleep.
We watch the camp while people sleep.
Aren't you then by proxy watching people sleep?
I suppose technically you're correct.
We are watching.
We'll sort that out.
Don't worry.
Seems very pedantic to break it down to that level.
I have night terrors.
I thought I should let everybody know that.
Oh, good.
That is good to know.
Sweet dreams.
And he's out.
He's asleep.
Do you think he'll actually have sweet dreams?
He said he has night terrors.
So it's a real switch.
It's night terror, sweet dream, night terror, sweet dream.
Like, oh, night terrors about the sweet tea.
There's a lot of screaming that comes from the brothel
and I think I understand most of it now.
Okay.
Well, damn, Kav.
Good meal.
Very delicious.
Thanks, Bazaar.
Yeah, no problem.
That was so good.
You guys just want to like draw straws for watches or?
Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
Sure.
Yeah, that seems fair.
I've got dry grass here.
Just don't get it too close to the flames.
Middle, middle.
Middle, middle.
Welcome to the middle, everybody.
How you doing?
We're having a great time on this new adventure
that we are embarking on here.
We love a new adventure.
We are out on an adventure.
Where's Alydin?
I mean, Charis.
Where?
Who knows?
I mean, Amy.
Ignatius has sent out a city-wide search
to find Charis.
Yeah, there's no one in the town with that name.
Yeah, it's going to be, it's going to be hard.
It's going to be quite the every, no stone unturned.
That's right.
That will be the next mystery is finding Charis.
No Charis left behind.
No, no.
I am sad to have missed the episode,
but I am excited to listen to it like a listener.
That's right.
It's all fun.
It's all exciting.
And what we do in the middle here,
when I don't forget and get called out,
is dedicate our episodes to a patron.
Like today's patron, Kayla Emerson.
Thanks, Kayla.
Thanks, Kayla.
You're amazing.
You are amazing.
So happy to have you here.
And you can be like Kayla,
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Send you some swag.
Swag, if you will.
Rip it at you.
Which comes via the mail.
So we actually hire the mail person to throw it at you.
That's correct.
In our stead.
Yeah, yeah.
We just got to, there's a special stamp you put on it.
Yeah, it's got a big old fist.
It's like, they know.
I don't like this story we're making up.
They actually deliver it with a t-shirt cannon.
It's quite fun.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
That's good.
What about the mugs?
Yeah, the mugs are amazing.
They also get delivered with the t-shirt cannon,
and it's more of like a try not to get hit situation.
The sticker and the sweater are fine.
It's the mug you got to watch out for.
Look, fun fact.
I've operated the t-shirt cannon before,
and it's as delightful as you think it is.
I bet it's really fun.
So Tom's going to come door to door with his t-shirt cannon.
That's right.
I'll just road trip around the world, I guess.
The world.
The world.
The literal world.
I was going to say the U.S., and I was like,
no, there's tons of, oh yeah, the world.
All over the world.
Hey, you've been meaning to do a world trip, haven't you?
It's true.
I mean, I'm going to Japan this fall,
so I guess I'll pack the t-shirt cannon.
Just load them up and then pop that door on the airplane.
Just drop them as you go.
Chances are it'll be a Boeing,
and I won't need to do anything.
Oh, sick Boeing burn.
Gotcha.
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Cyberpunk Red.
We are playing that game helmed by Kyle Clasett.
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That's right.
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You know what?
I had like a thought in my brain about Cyberpunk Red,
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This is a terrible world.
Okay.
I look forward to the awfulness of it all.
Well, we'll bring the shenanigans.
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It will be fine until Kyle's like,
yeah, I've had enough of these,
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Hashtag findAlydin.
No, Charis.
We're going to roll dice.
Yeah, sure.
High roll, I guess low roll, because we're on short straw.
Low roll gets to do it first.
Bench got a 19.
I'm assuming a D20.
Yeah, let's go D20.
You roll a D6.
I'm going to roll a D20.
I roll a 6.
I rolled a 10.
I rolled a 5.
All right, so you all tuck in.
Bizarre, you were up first, followed by Cav on this night of watch,
and as everybody's getting ready for bed,
how nonchAlydint are you being about the Mage Hand?
I think I'm, again, showing it off a little bit.
So while I wouldn't normally casually use it,
I feel like I'm not normally invited on adventures.
So Bizarre feels like because he also didn't really contribute to cooking,
he's trying to maybe overcompensate a little bit and say,
look, I can do this.
Nobody else can.
But for his next thing that he wants to do,
it would not be so out in the open.
He'll kind of walk around the perimeter of the camp
when he starts his watch and slowly muttering to himself
and pulling out some of the material components that he needs.
He's got a bell and this silver wire,
and he goes around and sets up a triple arm,
a magical triple arm around the camp just in case
his eyesight doesn't serve him as well.
And yeah, I'm going to set up a good alarm system around the campsite.
And that's a ritual.
So it takes me about 11 minutes or so to do that.
Well, maybe while you're doing that,
everybody else's experience with magic
probably isn't the biggest or the most involved.
So while you're finishing up,
you turn and you look and everybody's staring at you,
not in a bad way, but like in a shock and awe way
because you are doing magic that some of these people
have only maybe heard stories about.
And of course, your store is there
and there is magical components and elements to that.
But I'm going to say this group specifically
hasn't ever seen you putting away at the end of the day
using Mage Hand and that sort of thing.
So Bench for one, Jaw on the floor
as he was previously just setting up his bedroll
is like, everybody's seeing the hand, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Is that something normal in Kingstown, Cath?
Like, this is not...
Oh, yeah, no, I didn't even think twice about it.
A lot of magic shops up in Kingstown.
So this is quite prevalent.
If they ever need anything off a high shelf,
they just like do the little hand thing.
Wow.
That's exactly why I have it
because again, Bonwyn, as you know,
I do have some high shelves.
It's a very narrow store.
So I have to build up.
I mean, really practical also.
Looks so cool.
Thanks.
Thanks.
That's...
Wow.
You know, it's one of those things
you learn early and you use often.
Of course, being as lower level as it is,
you know, there's still a little bit of a taxation on it,
but it's not nearly as bad as some of the
more involved magical abilities
that can be learned
at Bernhardt Swan School of Magic Fighting and Dance.
Does it hurt?
Oh, it depends.
Have you ever had a sty in your eye?
I don't know.
You ever had pink eye?
Oh, I've had pink eyes.
I mean, that bench knows.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, you know, it kind of just aches a little bit.
It's a little like it's tolerable,
but it's only in the moment
that the incantation is completed.
You have that sensation and then it fades,
but more involved magics can cause hour long migraines
if you are not careful
or do not go through the process properly.
Some spells you have to expend that energy
right off the cuff.
Other ones require you to go through
a little bit of a ritual
and those don't take as much out of you
because of the time you put into them.
So it really just depends.
Oh, okay.
So like a marathon versus a sprint.
Exactly.
That's a very, very good metaphor.
Okay, cool.
Never decided to sprint if I don't have to,
so I wouldn't have thought of that myself, right?
Why do that?
So is that gonna happen?
That will take some getting used to, I think.
Okay, yeah.
All night.
It's gonna happen all night.
Okay, cool.
Okay, great.
Has anyone seen the map other than Ignatius?
I just wanna see where we're all at on this adventure.
I think, you know, Ignatius, great leader.
No, no, I haven't seen the map.
Okay.
Do we want to?
Gerold, Gothar, have you?
Oh, no.
Well, I mean like over shoulder,
it looks like a map.
But no, not like explicitly.
He's very, like wants to be the one
to lead us to the treasure.
Of course.
Yeah, of course he does.
He sleeps pretty soundly though.
Like maybe we could get it.
Are you concerned that we're going the wrong way?
I think I would feel more comfortable
if I had an idea where we were going.
Yeah, that makes two of us.
What kind of terrain we might be experiencing.
Okay.
Yeah, I just would feel better
if I could like mentally prepare for what's to come.
Okay.
Gothar, you hold down the left arm.
Cav or Bench, you hold down the right arm.
We have to hold him down?
I thought you said-
I could just, could I just try more sneakily though?
Oh, I see.
Flails, like he flails.
We've caught it in the teeth before.
You know, he falls asleep in a chair,
you go tap him, smack, you got a broken nose.
So yeah, absolutely.
If you want to try and be sneaky about it,
more power-
But sneaky with some-
Some support.
For some restraints.
Okay, great.
Like one person on each leg.
Surprisingly strong for just the bean pole that he is.
Yes.
Okay, let's give it a shot.
Yeah, sure.
Dare all this thing.
Okay, so we gotta all go down at the same time.
Otherwise, you know, arms like shoot up.
Okay, so on three.
My God, there's four strong, strong men here.
Two, yeah, this is why we made sure
that there were at least four
people, just in case.
Just in case.
So three, two, one, and jump.
And as you all jump on-
Jump onto him.
Jump onto him, and then I'll do a sleight of hand roll?
Yeah, sure, why not?
You all jump onto his arms and legs
and he begins screaming, eyes closed, screaming,
and you can feel the tension beneath you.
Everybody make a strength saving throw against Ignatius.
It's not going to be a high check, but you could fail.
That's a 15.
No.
This is where we lose Gozar.
That's a two if I'm helping in any capacity.
I don't know that you are, because you've got Gozar,
and Daryl, and Bench, and Chav.
So if you want to sit this one out, that's fine.
Yeah, a wizard would not, even,
he'd be like, no, that's not my bag.
Sure, everybody but Bench, who maybe is taking this
a little less seriously than everybody else,
but Bench takes a foot right under the jaw,
which clacks his teeth together,
and you can see the stars swimming around his head,
and then shakes it off and quickly moves down
as he's screaming, he's like, okay,
you can come in and sneak the map out of his pocket.
Now, he won't know.
I rolled a 21 on my sleight of hand roll.
You know what, probably could have avoided all of this.
He's pretty grappled.
Yeah, so you are patting him down,
and you find his satchel where he has it stored.
You reach in and pull out the parchment,
and he says, okay, do you want to look at it
and then put it back, or do we want to try
and do this again, or just say maybe it fell out?
He'll believe it fell out.
All right, on three, we just all jump off, okay?
Three, two, one, okay, dexterity savings right now.
Oh, it's a seven.
Boom, 21 again.
Okay, so everybody jumping back.
So you and Gothar.
I'm surprisingly dexterous for a dwarf.
Absolutely, so Kav and Gothar, you get smacked by a hand.
You don't take any damage,
but just right across the cheek you get smacked.
Gothar takes a leg to the shin as you're trying to back up,
and as a few seconds pass,
everything settles back down again,
and he's, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Is there a feather that's slowly making its way down to him?
And then every, okay, yep.
Absolutely, peaceful, nothing happened.
So you have the map now, you unfurl the map,
and it is vaguely, like it's crudely drawn,
but it's vaguely, you see the mountains,
you see the river, river, you see the hills,
but there is a red dotted line
that basically loop-de-loops around
through the entirety of the hills and the mountains.
There is an X on one of the mountains,
the Khaki Mountain is what it's called.
Khaki Mountain, and what's the scale on this map?
How far are each of these dashes?
Is this a 15-day trip if we do all the loop-de-loops or?
If you did all the loop-de-loops,
it would probably take you somewhere
in the vicinity of seven to 10 days.
If you took a more direct route,
it would probably take you two days tops.
Okay, quick conference, guys.
How long do we want to be out here?
How much food do we have left?
Because I feel like I could just take this
and do a like, you know, in green or something and just.
Just shoot us right there?
Just shoot us right there.
I guess just check how much food do we have left?
I mean, not a ton.
We didn't have the tarts.
Kind of had to pull most everything together for dinner.
We've still got the sausages and the tarts
and some of the sweet tea.
Yeah, and I brought some grits for breakfast,
but that's not going to take us too far.
I had assumed this was going to be just a one-night thing.
I hadn't planned on keeping the shop closed too long.
Oh, yeah, no, we were kind of all under that impression.
Well, I mean, Darryl, Gauthar,
if you need to like ear muffs for this,
then please feel free.
But maybe we just, you know,
we're just out here for a fun time.
This isn't our livelihoods.
In fact, it might be impeding our livelihoods, right?
Bazaar, so it'd be better.
I could just get back to the shop sooner.
So maybe just more of a direct route.
Darryl and Gauthar have both ear muffed.
They have their hands over their ears.
I don't, you know, don't want to get them in trouble.
This is their livelihood.
No disagreement.
Great.
Yep, yeah, no implications needed.
And I have some ink,
so I'm just going to just draw another line on top.
And then I'm sure we can convince him.
That's the good line in the morning.
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
All right, well, with that problem solved,
I don't think we need to, you know, roll back up.
Oh, you can take your hands off your ears, guys.
Yeah, so we're going to put the map just down beside.
Maybe he looked at it in his sleep.
Fine, great.
And then just beeline for that X.
See what's there.
It's probably nothing.
And then come back.
Yeah.
Cool.
Yeah, it'll be enough adventure for Ignatius.
I certainly hope there's something there.
Yeah, well, I mean, maybe there is.
Maybe there is.
Knowing Ignatius, though, maybe he drew this map.
Oh, I see.
Hmm, I didn't think he drew it.
I just assumed he bought it from somebody.
Somebody kind of maybe not totally honest.
Well, that could be too.
I mean, could be as well.
Six to one, half a dozen the other, I guess.
Yeah, either way, I'd say the odds of us
finding treasure at the X are slim.
You seem disappointed, Pizzai.
Yeah, I mean, I was hoping maybe to get some extra funds
to bring in some new wares from Kingstown.
And if that's not going to be the case,
then I'm literally losing money by coming on this trip.
And I don't appreciate that.
It's being straight up.
Yep, yep.
It's bad for business.
Yep, agreed.
As a fellow small business owner, not ideal.
But I mean, I guess I'm spoiled because I have Thane.
So, you know, Everbane's is still open and rolling.
But you're like, it's just you, right?
Okay, well, let's try and wrap this up as quick as we can.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no, great, great, great.
All right, I'm glad we're all agreed.
Bizarre, you got first watch.
And then I guess tomorrow we're making a run for that X
on the khaki mountain.
Yep, I've got it.
I'll wake you if I notice anything.
I would not be surprised if somebody found us
with a man screaming in his sleep.
But good luck sleeping to you and yours.
And hopefully I'll have the same luck
when it comes time for it.
Dumbgeons and Dragons season three, episode 12.
This episode starred Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane,
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave,
Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard,
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue editing by Carla Maxted
and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character designs
are by Matt Garbutt.
And a huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak,
Kat Waterflame, Jacob Madden,
Christian Brown, Angaron Kierzen,
Perry Matey, Craig Zeiss, Old School Gamer D,
L.A. Branton, Nathaniel Teeter, and Aaron.
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Come give it a test at least.
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And now, that's all I've got.
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We hope you enjoyed this episode.
It's really the first like adventure we've been on
and had a blast getting camp ready.
I forgot how much fun traveling camp can be
if you're just having a goofball time,
which was what we normally do.
So now you have a great week.
We'll talk to you soon, friends.
Bye.
That's where we'll jump into the episode.
Classic adventuring song.
Classic Sugar Ray.
Good times.
I like on my end how the mic isn't even.
Yeah, I can't hear anything.
It just completely cuts out.
So Russ just has this look of like
screaming terror on his face.
Yeah, that's great.
And we don't get to hear any of it.
It's delightful.
Well, you'll find out next time
on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a dumb dragons production.