Ride the Butter Tunnels — Dumbgeons & Dragons Transcripts

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A light breeze is blowing through the stable.

And the children are surrounding Alydin who's handing out many baguettes.

Is that, is that, is that, is that from the Copper Kettle again?

Yes it is.

They didn't, they didn't have any butter this time, hey?

We do not complain.

No, but it was just so tasty the last time, right everybody?

You don't want it, I'll eat it.

No, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.

You're not complaining, it sounds like you're complaining.

I'm not complaining, I was just saying maybe we could go, I could go find some if you didn't have any in that pocket right there.

In what pocket right where?

That one right there.

You think I have butter in my pocket?

I think you have butter in your pocket.

You want to check my pocket, Tally?

No, I don't want to check your pocket.

Yeah, that'd be weird. Also, it's not where you keep butter, I'd keep it in my bucket if I had any.

And you know I'd give you some.

I'm not saying you wouldn't.

Well, I think you just said that.

Anyway, okay gather around everybody.

This is, this is where she ends on the butter.

Tally's gonna be super disappointed you guys are here talking like this.

Did you want me to bring you a four course meal? Maybe some wine?

What's wine?

What you're doing right now about this bread, now shut your yap.

And Alydin breaks up the bread and divvies it out and they're all sitting around on the ground around a low crate.

It's kind of, it's very like Japanese style seating kind of that what we've got going on here.

We're on the floor with low table and Alydin says,

Alright you guys, so I want you to stop for a second right before you take a bite.

And we're going to say thank you Mrs. Figglesworth.

Ready? Three, two, one.

Thank you Mrs. Figglesworth.

Okay, dive in.

Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast.

I'm your dungeon master Russ More, he him.

And Dumbgeons and Dragons stars Amy More as Alydin, she her.

And on that horrifically graphic note, Alydin lights one of her candles.

Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave, he him.

Well I really haven't and you know we share a desk a lot of the times when we're at work and so I would have noticed.

And Carla Max dead, she her.

That little bit smells like a brewery when the two of you enter.

Dumbgeons and Dragons is a D&D production and supported by our patrons.

You can find that at patreon.com slash D&D cast.

Hey sign up for a seven day free trial and now fuck it, let's play.

Bench and Cav have made their way and are standing outside the Sweet Apothecary.

The Sweet Apothecary is the only apothecary in Vintersmouth and it's owned by the twins Ursula Major and Ursula Minor.

Two lovely human women who pride themselves on the finest remedies, the most delightful potions.

And as you are about to walk towards the door, Bench taps your shoulder and says, have you been in here yet?

No, I walk by all the time but never have gone in.

They're lovely, they're lovely.

Don't touch anything, don't drink anything.

Not unless you pay for it, of course.

No samples, no, well I mean if we're gonna, we don't want a floor is all I'm saying.

Yeah, no definitely want to avoid that.

I don't think they do that anymore though.

I heard that they don't do that anymore with the mystery potion.

Right, right.

Well just in case.

Okay, let's go.

And he swings the door open and the two of you walk in and you're hit with this perfumed smell of lavenders and chamomile and another thing that smells really good.

I was thinking it was going to be like patchouli.

Like patchouli.

I thought so too, yeah.

Yes, mixed in also patchouli.

Yes, thank you.

Bergamot came to my mind.

See, there you go.

Nice.

Little bell jingles as the door opens.

You step in on creaky wood floors and there's a few small tables throughout the space and shelves lining the walls and then through a beaded curtain behind the register come two women and Carla and Amy as you have declared that you wish to play these characters.

I would like you to describe Ursula Major and Ursula Minor as you enter the space.

So we walk out and Ursula Minor is at least a head taller than Ursula Major.

I love you so much.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Obviously, Minor is big and Major is small.

Obviously, I am picturing because their name is Ursula.

So all I'm picturing is I guess divine slash Ursula the sea witch.

Sure, absolutely.

Because that's how brains work.

The little mermaid really imprinted on me.

100%.

Yeah.

Which I can kind of see sort of like Ursula's hair could be sort of West Coast 60s like in her 60s, not from the 60s.

But like Gulf Island hippie kind of like you know the cool older ladies who have fun dyed colored hair and wear like jingly things.

Oh yeah, lots of bangles, beads, scarves.

You know all those clothes that when you go to the farmers market or any kind of like outdoor markets you know exactly the clothes I'm talking about, right?

This is exactly what I was picturing.

The harem pants.

A lot of bamboo fiber.

Yeah, this is 100% what I was picturing.

It's a lot.

That's a lot.

Yeah, it's like Coco Chanel said get dressed and take off one accessory and they could take off like 10 accessories each and maybe still be a little bit overdressed.

But they love it and more power to them.

Oh, customers, customers.

Yes, sister.

Customers.

Hi.

Come in.

How can we help you?

Hello Ursula.

Who's your friend?

This is Newton.

This is Cav.

Cav.

This is Ursula Major and Ursula Minor.

They are the proprietors of this establishment.

Cav.

So nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

I'm Major, my sister, Minor.

Oh, that's very, it's not what I, okay, yeah, gotcha.

Nothing is as you'll expect in this shop.

Yeah, don't, don't drink any of the samples.

Just.

Do you have a delicious oolong that we've been brewing?

Would you like some of that?

No, no thanks.

I just had a couple questions for you guys.

Sister questions.

We like customers best.

Best.

But second best, we like questions.

Well, we might buy something.

We'll see how it goes.

I'll take a new oolong.

Okay, great.

Here you go.

Cav looks at them like.

It's just, it's just tea.

It's okay.

Cross our hearts.

You'll find it.

Nothing funny.

Cav is allergic to tea.

He just burnt his tongue real bad.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

We do have.

We have something for that.

We have a cell.

We do, don't we, sister?

Oh, well, we'll talk more about that in a bit.

Maybe something he could gargle with, sister.

Yes, I'm thinking of the blue one in the back.

That would probably be really good for you.

If you have any canker sores, it'll clear that right up as well.

Okay, noted on that.

What's this one for?

And he holds out like the empty, empty potion container.

May I?

Absolutely.

Um, Ursula Minor takes it and takes the cork off and...

Smell that, sister.

What do you think?

Ooh.

Sister, you know what this one is.

Yes, but why didn't we label it?

Yes, that isn't like us.

As you can see, we do like a label.

Here, we do like everything.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I guess maybe it just got taken off.

I don't know why.

Where did this particular bottle come from?

Well, my coworker, a friend, Oak.

I don't know if you know Oak, but he didn't show up for work today.

So I'm trying to track him down.

Oh, his mother must be beside herself.

Oh, sister, we should drop by later with some oolong,

because she'll be quite upset if Oak isn't home by then.

That's not like him.

When he's not home by 6 p.m., she gets quite in a tizzy.

He's very responsible.

But also, a picker.

That's how that label came off.

I knew I labeled it, sister.

I knew I did.

What does the potion do?

You didn't actually say.

When I smell this, sister, I'm getting mint.

Yes, definitely mint.

And some, oh, goodness, chamomile.

A little bit.

Licorice.

Licorice root.

Yes.

And slippery elm.

My goodness.

This is our breath freshener.

This is just...

I don't know why.

It took a minute.

I know.

I guess I'm used to smelling it sort of more concentrated

when we're making it.

But it just sort of soothes the throat a little bit

and freshens the breath.

It's one of our best sellers.

I don't want to give too much information

about a different client, customer.

But a little bit of halitosis has been a complaint of Oak's.

And if you haven't noticed, then, my goodness, sister,

our job is done.

Well, I really haven't.

And, you know, we share a desk a lot of the times

when we're at work.

And so I would have noticed.

That's why it's one of our best sellers.

This is why we don't advertise, sister.

Word of mouth.

We don't need to advertise, sister.

May I say something a little bit rude,

but consider it sort of I feel a professional obligation?

Oh, OK, sure.

It a little bit smells like a brewery

when the two of you entered.

I smelled the same thing.

I wasn't going to be quite as brash as my sister,

but you've always been the more outgoing one.

We were talking about the breath freshener,

and you seem very nice.

And it's like when you have something in your tooth

and then you go and look in a mirror

after you've been talking to someone for an hour

and they didn't say anything.

Heavens think you went into work smelling like this.

Oh, exactly.

You didn't go to Oak's mother.

Did?

Oh, sister, they did.

Yeah.

Oh, they did.

That's where it burned his tongue.

We're going to have to leave.

We're going to have to leave for lunch early.

We're going to have to make that physical.

We'll pop over.

We'll smooth it all over till I'll be OK.

It'll be fine.

So do you know when was Oak here last?

Like recently?

Here's the thing.

We're trying to find Oak.

Oh.

And we lost him smelling like this.

Yeah.

It was a rough night last night.

He's got some paperwork that we need.

A night of frivolity for Oak?

How unusual.

Let me check our ledger.

Yes.

She bustles to the back and opens up a big book.

I feel like, sister, let's play a little game.

You look and my guess is I think he popped in here

yesterday morning and he was very excited

because he said something about Boy's Night.

And he wanted to make sure he had his breath freshener

because he didn't want to be embarrassed.

And that's...

How did I do, sister?

Did I remember?

Impeccable memory, sister.

Impeccable memory.

That's exactly the last time we saw him.

Yeah.

So he was here yesterday morning.

Before Boy's Night.

So the second potion that's still full,

that's just more breath freshener?

And he pulls it out of the bag and presents it.

Hmm.

Well, you know, because the breath freshener

you see here in the display is sort of a green,

fresh, meaty kind of color.

And this looks sort of more iridescent.

Yeah.

Is it bad?

That's what I said too.

It's very iridescent.

Yeah.

So what does this one do?

May I?

Bench takes a sip of the oolong.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Here you go.

By all means.

And I uncork it.

Oh.

Sister.

Oh.

Um.

I think...

Sister, correct me if I'm wrong.

I think that this is maybe, um,

for a special someone from Oak.

I do believe I'm thinking the same thing.

I don't want to say too much, you see.

It's personal.

Very personal.

Yes, but I don't...

Bench turns the cab.

I don't know what they're talking about.

I don't know either.

It's a special someone.

It seems very personal.

I bought it before...

Did he buy this one before Boy's Night Two?

Oh, um...

Let me look back.

No, I think...

Just a mouth freshener.

I think, um...

Okay, okay.

This was...

We...

He bought this from us...

Oh.

Three weeks ago.

Mm-hmm.

He's been hanging on to it for this long, Sister.

Interesting, interesting.

It is.

I mean...

I mean, you're playing a dangerous game with this one.

So you want to be careful, don't you, Sister, before you share it with a special someone.

What is...

Spe...

What is special?

Help Bench out.

What is special?

Bench, I think it's like a love potion.

Yeah.

What?

Thank you.

I mean...

That layman's terms.

People are forping and then love potions.

Oh.

Bench.

Sorry, I just found out.

No, Bench.

Sorry.

We don't...

Oh.

No.

Oh, Sister, you're okay.

Don't...

It's fine.

You know, how it upset me.

I'm sure.

I'm sure it didn't mean to.

Um, yes.

So, yes, in layman's terms, a love potion.

But of course, I mean, you can't make someone fall in love with you from a potion.

It would be irresponsible of us.

It would be very irresponsible.

The control.

If you have feelings for someone and they also have feelings for you, but maybe...

For whatever reason.

Hidden.

You find it difficult to sort of make the first step.

You're shy or something.

It just...

Enhances.

Existing feelings.

Existing feelings and lowers inhibitions.

Just a little.

Just sort of verbal inhibitions.

Enough to allow the flow of conversation.

Exactly.

And let one thing lead to another, if you know what we're saying.

Yes.

Wait, Oak drinks this and then Oak feels confident.

Well, Oak has some.

Drink it on their own.

Oh.

Yeah.

Splitsies.

Oak and his beloved.

Or hope to be beloved.

Hope to be beloved.

Hold on.

Does Oak have a beloved?

He has a shrine, but does he have a beloved?

This look of flicker of recognition goes through Cab's eyes.

He says, I've been here about three weeks.

And he kind of looks down at the potion.

Okay.

Looks back up at Bench and is like, I think this is for me.

I would just like to say, we do not ask those kinds of personal questions.

No.

If there is no spark between the two and the feelings are not reciprocated,

nothing will happen.

Nothing happens.

This is why you take it together.

And if it enhances, it enhances.

If there's nothing to enhance, everybody goes about their day.

Okay.

Well, I'll just, I guess, tuck this back in the bag and keep it safe for them.

Allow me to go get another label, if you will.

Oh, sure.

We would feel more comfortable if everything was labeled quite meticulously.

And Ursula Minor bustles into the back and is creating a label.

When you're coming home, Oak, I don't know when.

We might ask about this potion, but first we'll visit the middle again.

Hey, friends.

Thanks for being here.

Smack dab in the middle.

Right in the middle.

Is it right in the middle?

Maybe not right in the middle.

It shifts a little bit.

We don't like time it and do a hard cut.

That's right.

Right in the middle of sentences.

And I'm going to roll.

It's time for the middle.

Two of those things were unbelievable.

Cutting in the middle of sentences.

And us rolling?

Yeah.

We'll get there.

Amy does some rolling.

Tom and I know so much.

It doesn't go that well, but if you're in a box or out of a box,

It's all box related.

Hey, thanks for being here.

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Thanks, Wyatt.

Thanks so much, Wyatt.

Wyatt Bartlett sounds like a sheriff from the old west.

Or just like a very cool person.

Like Wyatt is a cool guy name.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Agreed.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Our sheriff's not cool.

Tom is just finding it now.

I'm not really into cops, so I thought maybe, but you know, maybe.

Okay, yeah.

Tom just outed himself as a narc.

Tom just has all of the old Clint Eastwood westerns on repeat at his desk every single day.

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We cut back to the stables and Alydin and you and Tally are back down in the storage

cellar standing at the mouth of the tunnel.

So we found the tunnels.

Now what do we do with them?

Like do we go in?

Do we have a light?

What if it gets really dark in there?

What if we can't?

What if it turns a corner and we can't find our way back out?

What if what if we're stuck in a tunnel until the end of time?

What if these tunnels are the reason they covered them up because they're too powerful?

Tally.

Alydin.

Take a breath.

These are holes in the ground.

Yeah.

I have candles in my bucket.

Okay.

You do not need to come with me.

Well I don't want you to get lost in there but like.

It's true.

Your directionality is impeccable.

When you say go left, I go left.

She holds out her hand.

When you say go right, I go right and she holds out her hand.

That's okay.

Put your hands down, Tally.

Do you want to go in?

This is not a thing.

It's not time to be brave, Tally.

This is a recon mission.

We're just going in and we're going to see what it's all about.

Okay.

And then we have the information because information we can use and if we want to, we

could take it to Kenny and Kenny's men and then maybe or somebody else.

Because Kenny's kind of scary.

Alydin's just staring at her.

It's a whole lot of thoughts for one little head.

These tunnels have opened a world of danger.

If we boarded them back up, they would still just be sitting here.

That would be like having, that would be like having a bunch of butter and not putting

it on your bread.

Butter?

So, okay, so, okay, let's do it.

Let's ride these butter tunnels.

Oh, let us never say that again.

Ride the butter tunnels is not the name of the episode.

It is, though.

No, thank you.

And on that horrifically graphic note, Alydin lights one of her candles.

Stay behind me.

Okay.

And if I say run, you got to run.

Which way?

Back.

Okay.

Good.

Good to know.

Run forward.

Someone tells you to run.

Well, maybe there's something behind us and then we should run forward.

You know what, though?

I think in the moment you're going to know.

I'm going to know.

I think so.

All right, let's do it.

All right.

We venture forth into the tunnel by candlelight.

All right.

You take a few steps forward and the opening of the tunnels begins to narrow a little

bit.

You're able to crouch and still make your way walking through these tunnels.

This might be a silly question, but it's more for the feel of the character.

How is your directionality of the city based on where you are entering these tunnels?

I think...

Or we could roll and we could play the game.

But, like, your call.

Well, I think just based on the amount of time that Alydin has spent exploring the

city, it would make sense that I think at any given point she knows where she's

at.

I can roll on it, though, because maybe I'm nervous.

Sure.

Let's play a game.

Do you want to play a game?

All right, jigsaw.

I'm just over here being my creepy self.

It is dangerous.

She's just said she should know.

Less intimidating when jigsaw's wearing an Ooty, though.

Yes.

Covered in plants.

All right.

Saw 20.

Not as scary as you think it's going to be.

Would this be survival?

Survival?

Yes.

Okay.

16.

Okay.

We'll say, yeah, at least for the first little while you have a fairly good

sense of which direction you're going.

You're heading in the direction of the unnamed forest, which is more towards more

towards where you know Kinney's hideout to be.

It quickly forks, though.

You have a choice to make and you can go either north or south.

You take a look down both, shine your light, take a few steps down, and the

one to the left begins to turn back towards the city.

The one to the right continues further north, which as far as you know, because

you haven't ventured out that far, just leads deeper within the forest itself.

Alydin stops and is doing like mental map math.

And it's like, all right, I'm standing here and that one goes this way.

And the forest is that way.

And then, but this, and this one curves back around and she's like turning

around and she's like looking at stuff.

Is everything okay?

Callie, stop breathing so loud.

Sorry.

I'm thinking.

All right.

Okay.

Let's, let's go to the left.

Okay.

I'm not prepared to go out into the forest right now.

That goes out into the forest?

Well, the one going straight does, I think.

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

Well, let's go back this way.

All right.

Follow me.

And she confidently walks.

Okay.

Yeah.

Tally's following behind you a little trepidatiously, but as you, as you

continue, you walk far enough that you feel you have a sense that you are

making your way through the center of town.

And then the tunnel itself begins to, to branch off in several different

directions.

Make a another survival check.

Nine.

I don't know where I am.

How, how, how, how are we doing?

See your candles about halfway down.

Maybe that's a good point that we should like start to start to go back

and we haven't found anywhere to anywhere this comes out yet.

Like maybe we come back another time.

Well, yeah, but hold on a second.

Okay.

And out from her bucket, she takes a small dagger, small knife and carves

an A into the earthen walls of the tunnel.

Okay.

All right.

Let's go back.

As you turn, you catch out of the corner of your eye down one of these, one

of these branches of the tunnel system.

It looks like there's a, just the smallest shred of daylight down at one

of the far ends.

That would be super noticeable in a totally black tunnel.

Tally, look.

Oh, hey, is that, that looks like, that looks like, like maybe there's a,

there's an opening down there.

Are you feeling brave?

Yes.

Shaking your head.

Shaking your head no.

I think so.

But says yes.

Is it, which of these branches?

You've gone, you've marked your A, you've turned around.

So it is, I'm going to draw a tunnel system.

When I, when I build this map that I'm working on, it's taking a long time.

It's all good.

Building cities are hard.

It's fine.

We've got like, I don't know what, like two, three years at this.

Yeah.

This season's going to last.

We've got time.

You've, you've turned around.

You've passed down, let's say 15 branches.

Making it hard for myself.

15.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

You turn back and it is the second one on the right that you pass back.

So it's the 13th branch.

Fuck you, Russ.

Wow.

Yeah, fuck you, Russ.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

All right, Tally.

I want to go there, but there's something I got to do first.

Follow me.

And she goes back the way she came.

Like back to home.

Great.

And from the first fork.

She writes a one and a two.

And then she goes back the same way.

And each branch of a tunnel that she comes across, she writes a different number.

A three, a four.

And she's labeling the tunnels for herself.

Okay.

She's savvy like that.

She doesn't want to get lost down here.

That makes this branch number 15 because I didn't count those first two.

You did this to yourself.

Like I don't even feel sorry for you at this point.

Okay, so.

Yeah.

All right, there.

Now we're not going to get lost.

Now if we get to use them and you need to go and get something and I need to send you down here, I can be like, Tally, take the first tunnel and then take the ninth tunnel and then whatever.

And then whatever.

Okay.

So are we going to go check out the light?

Heck yes, we are.

Okay, let's go.

You have walked all the way back and then I assume we have to assume you like ran back.

Oh, yeah.

They're children.

They're excited.

So your candle is down to like a nub at this point.

As it is flickering, Alydin brings out another candle and lights it with the dying flame of the first one.

Bring one candle in.

This is not her first rodeo being somewhere dark.

You make your way down to the end of this tunnel and it is in fact like a wooden panel up in the ceiling.

There are a couple steps that go up to it.

Okay, shh.

Okay.

What did I say about your breathing?

Sorry.

And Alydin sneaks up to it and like tries to look up through the cracks.

I assume I see a ceiling.

Yeah, you get close to it.

You don't hear anything at first.

But as you look up, you hear what sounds like a fire burning on the other side.

And you're standing there listening.

Tali's holding her breath behind you.

You hear some footsteps off to the side and then you hear the sound of like hammer on steel.

At that sound, because before it was just crackling fire, at the sharp sound of metal on metal, the girls like duck and hit the floor.

Completely forgetting that they are unseen in a tunnel.

But that's what happens.

A loud noise happens.

You scatter.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

What was that?

Clangin'.

Is that good?

Or is that bad?

But listen, what does it sound like to you?

Sounds like the metal workers.

That's right.

I think we're right under Everbane's.

Oh, that's like right in the hot block.

That's pretty cool.

Well, yeah.

If that goes up under here, Tali, do you know what that means?

No.

That means that it probably has different tunnels going to the underneath of different shops all through the city.

That's pretty neat.

And I can go wherever I want and no one can see.

Very cool.

Days can't see.

And then suddenly Alydin grabs a fronted tally shirt and hauls her forward.

He goes, you cannot tell a soul about this.

Okay.

Not the kids.

Nobody.

You take it to your grave.

No.

You die with this secret.

Okay.

Oh.

Okay.

Cross my heart.

Hope to...

Hope to die.

Stick a needle in your eye.

Sing it.

Stick a needle in my eye.

Pinky promise.

Spit on your palm.

Shake.

For anyone who's listening and is like, wow, that sounds like, that sounds real serious.

You have not heard children talk.

Yeah.

These are the conversations I hear on the playground and supervision.

And then after that, Alydin lets go of tally, like, satisfied that she's not going to tell a single soul.

Yeah.

And then creeps back up to listen and to just press lightly on the boards to see if there's any give to them.

You press on the boards and it feels like there's a weight on top, but it's not like there's a crate on top.

It feels like there's earth on top and like perhaps that this has been like scuffed away to allow the light through.

You push a little bit at first and there's not much movement.

You give a little harder push and dirt and sand begins to pour in from the edges and the different breaks in the board.

You give maybe a little too vigorous bump and the hammering stops as you hold it back down and pauses for a moment and then continues again.

Oh, that was close.

Tally, I really want to get in there.

You want to go in there right now?

It sounds like somebody's in there.

Or should we come back at night?

Yep.

We're coming back tonight.

Cool.

And we don't get lost going back.

No, but you ended your episode in the tunnels.

Fuck!

True.

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Fuck it.

Let's play.

I love the four minutes of silence that happens after it's played.

Let's play.

It's usually done for a reason, because if there's silence, then I can pull what I need to remove the room noise.

Yeah, but it's funnier.

Yeah.

Good job, Tali.

So I think we are right under where...

My god, what's your last name?

Everbane.

I was like, Brisbane.

No.

That's a place.

Right-o, mate.

Off to Canberra next.