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Dumbgeons and Dragons will begin in a moment.
Alydin, you're swatting away Bizard's mage hand as he's trying to help you or
encourage you. Uncertain. But you're Cogsworth McQuack.
No, Mick. Just Quackleton.
Everything has a Mick. Everything is Mick now.
Cogsworth Quackleton has tipped over behind these filing cabinets in this space that you
can't see really beyond and into.
What do you do?
I'm waving away.
I know I I was I would have gotten there.
You'll go.
And I reach my hand forward in hopes of casting mage hand.
Where are we at in terms of the out will?
Yeah, I think odds I do it evens I don't like how far am I in this
training? Did you actually read the first three chapters of that book?
It was all in there.
Fucking call me out like that.
I wasn't going to roll handsight.
Bizarre trusts you to be honest with him.
Well, she'll bullshit her way through a presentation on those first three chapters.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a D&D actual play podcast and I'm your dungeon master
Russ More, he him.
Also with me today is Amy More as Alydin, she her.
It's OK CQ, we got this.
Tom Laird is Kavlaran Goldweave, he him.
Nerds and Kyle Claset is Bizard the Wizard, he him.
Imagine what your mind would look like trying to grab it without hands.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon supported show, so every twist, every
triumph, every truly questionable decision is possible because of listeners
like you. Join us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And now fuck it. Let's play.
Sure, if you have hesitation that Alydin could, like will be able to do that.
I think that, yeah, I think she's focused more on the tinkering side and
hasn't been really like, I think she's maybe a little like hesitant because
she's not as good at the like, like, quote unquote, magic-y stuff.
It's not coming as easily to her as it seems like.
OK, the artificer side things is then with that more hesitation and perhaps
you haven't been practicing nearly enough, like not even odds, evens.
I think divisible by three and you get it.
OK, it's a roll a d20.
And if it's divisible by three, I get it.
Yeah. All right.
13. I mean, it's got a three in it.
It's got a three in it. Does that count?
Surprisingly, not divisible by three.
No, unfortunately not.
I'm seeing Alydin trying.
I'm going to walk up and kind of say, OK, don't imagine physically
something that can physically grab it.
Imagine what your mind would look like trying to grab it without hands.
Without hands like focus on your mind, grabbing it without hands
and let that vision leave your body.
Just just trust me, just close your eyes.
OK, think about what your mind hand looks like.
It can look like anything.
Yeah, just think. Come on.
Mind hand, mind hand.
Yeah, you got to get in the zone with a mind hand, mind hand.
And then, boom, it like explodes out of you.
Try again. Try again.
Your mage hand starts to flicker in front of you.
I don't notice. My eyes are closed.
Cav and Eze and Bazaard all see it as he's like, oh, I think you're doing it.
God, are you guys all watching?
Oh, I'll look away. I'll look away.
Sorry, I forgot a couple of pages over here.
It's OK. It's OK.
Just smooth.
Now, smooth it out.
Smooth it out.
Think about a fluid process, not just sorry.
The explosion might have just been trying to spark it, like jumpstart it.
Smooth flow.
Am I doing it?
I think I'm doing it.
Oh, I'm doing it.
I peeked my eye open.
It's just a fade into view.
It doesn't look like a hand, but I don't think it needs to look like a hand.
Exactly. Mind hand.
Get it.
See, the mage hand like goes between the cabinets
and like grasp down on top of Cogsworth.
And you hear it grab and drag across the floor.
And then similarly, like it's like sideways now.
It's like kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk.
I'm like physically moving my body, like like little to the left.
Twists as you're like moving your body in the same way.
And it like pulls it through and is like dragging it backwards.
And you see Cogsworth's eyes.
And nothing but white skin.
There's this sheer panic look on this little robot face.
It's OK, CQ, we got this.
It drags it out and like pulls it down in front of you.
And is holding it.
I pick him up with my hand hands.
I'm like, I'm so sorry.
You are so brave, buddy.
I'm just going to put him back inside of my bucket.
I have lined the inside of my bucket with a little blanket.
Oh, excellent.
There's something back there.
OK, should we just get in there?
How do we do this?
I mean, those look like filing cabinets.
They don't I assume they're not a fixed.
We we have a we have a dolly upstairs.
I could go run and grab that real quick.
I mean, how many of these do we need to move?
How many how many are in the way?
Like two.
Oh, well, we don't need a dolly for that.
I don't think you got this.
I mean, we can we can try it.
Oh, OK, I'm just going to go sit over here.
I'm very tired.
I can try and help.
OK, yeah, let's do it.
Bizarre just wants to make sure that he's never asked to help anyone move.
His truck is just always broken down.
Yeah, I moved once myself, never want to do it again.
No, never again.
It's the worst. It's absolutely the it's even the worst when you have movers.
OK, so Cav in particular, you are going to move and Bizarre
is going to spot excellent is what it sounds like.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah, it was just roll me a strength check here as you go
to try to shift this first one out of place.
I can do that. That is 16 plus 117.
OK, Bizarre, what functionally are you doing
if anything? Oh, what I'm doing is I'm at least helping
to give like any kind of stability if it is not on the ground.
Got it. Do you want to roll a dexterity check?
Yeah, that would be way better than what strength would be.
Doesn't matter, because I got a two on the dice.
And that's OK.
That's OK. It was more show for anything.
In fact, you're pushing back against his cabbage trying to pull it out
this way, right? I've never moved anything.
It's my first time.
OK, yeah, Cav, you like pop a couple drawers out,
manage to get a handhold and like drag it out.
And Bizarre is there.
What I picture is Bizarre doing is like feigning help,
but like more just like waving his hands around.
So you drag it out and you hear it like across some of the stones.
Measuring the distance being like almost there.
Yeah, almost far enough.
A little bit more. Yeah.
You pull it out and Bizarre, you see that it's like free enough
that any of you could sneak through, even just moving this one.
So it gets free.
Bizarre, you peek your head around and you see that there is an opening.
It's like a half door height.
And the draft that Alydin described, as previously mentioned,
is is not there anymore.
But it is a dark void space beyond.
You don't see anything really in there,
particularly since you don't have dark vision.
I've sat myself on the ground, like with my back against the wall facing,
like, you know, watching the show of the moving of the things,
because there's something special about watching somebody else
lift something heavy and you just sitting there.
But from out of my bucket, I take my slingshot
and I take one of my rocks that I have in there
and I just I hold on to it and I squeeze it real tight
and then I put it into my slingshot and sling it in.
And I've imbued it with light that emits five foot radius.
OK. Yeah.
Slingshot it into the open space.
Smart. Wonderful.
So the rock goes, everybody kind of follows behind it.
You see it go into this space and then it disappears.
Down and you hear it hit down some steps
going further into the ground.
Good thing we didn't run in there.
No kidding. Can we see it bouncing down?
Or is it just like you see it bounced down the first few steps?
And then really, you just see the glow coming up from wherever
wherever you hear it land down at the bottom.
Gotcha. Gotcha. Down we go then.
Sure. Do you know what's down there?
I've never been down there.
No, I didn't know there was a space back there.
Ezzy, do you want to go?
Not particularly. I came for paperwork.
Can you go tell June that we're going down to this place here?
I would do that. And then you could sort the papers
and we could take them when we leave?
That sounds great.
I'll give you a few minutes.
And then if we don't hear from you, maybe we send in some.
Send in some. Just check it.
Just call down. I'll just call down in a few minutes.
I'm going to tell June. OK, I'll be right back.
She seemed real nervous.
Yeah. Can I roll an insight?
I don't have any bonuses, but I just just see if like
she really did know or didn't know about this place.
I'm at 20. Yeah, dang.
Yeah, you get it like you get wasting them.
No, you get a beat on it.
You don't think that she knew about this place,
but you also think she was really trying to make sure
that she does not have to go down there.
Perhaps it's a fear of the space or the dark or something.
But like, yeah, understandable, all reasonable and not suspicious.
Yeah, zero suspicion, more just like giving her the willies.
She wants to be out of there, but she will send somebody
to check on you in a few minutes. Cool beans.
So, yeah, she disappears back upstairs.
OK, who's going in first?
Not it. I need a torch or something, but I can lead the way.
You've got the candles still.
So you would have at least that double fisting, obviously,
the way that Russell's holding on to these candles.
Double fisting those candles.
Yeah, go ahead and cast control flames and expand the flames
so we have a little bit more brighter light in the area.
You've got a duck to get into this space and then you see the...
Yeah, yeah, we got CQ.
Absolutely. You see...
Sorry. I see what you did there.
You lower yourself to get into this space and you make five or six steps in.
You're crawling in the candles out in front of you,
and you reach the edge of this landing that goes down the stairs
and you see the glowing rock down at the end of the staircase.
There's probably about 12 to 15 steps between you and the stone.
You carry on down, followed by Alydin Kav.
I like to be sandwiched for safety.
Nothing can come at me from the front or behind.
And I'm going to pick that rock up too.
I'm not going to leave that there, obviously.
So yeah, the three of you go down these steps.
And as you enter the staircase and go down a few,
the ceiling gets higher so you don't have to have to crouch
nearly as much as this little passageway to get in.
And you reach the lower floor
and the ground is covered in this thick dust
that looks like it's been untouched by anybody in a long time.
The air, as there was like a breeze coming in from the entrance up at the top,
the air changes the further down you get.
Like, it's not colder.
It's just still.
The area opens up into this longer hallway.
And the walls themselves are lined with old instructional placards.
There are two that you can see in particular,
one that says order enables learning
and attendance is responsibility.
Nerds.
I don't like it.
A single door sits at the far end of the hall.
So there's nothing in here except for some informational placards,
stale air, lots of dust and a door at the end.
Correct.
Oh, Carla's missing out on the placards.
She's really missing out on the good stuff.
I put the placards in just for Carla.
God, she loves an informational placard.
Hey, we're back in the middle.
Oh, it's the middle again.
Again? It's been too soon.
No, too long.
I felt like it was just the middle.
No, that was a week ago.
That was one whole week ago.
Time really goes quickly.
I don't understand time anymore.
No.
You know what is a good way to tell time, though?
Oh, gosh.
Where are we going with this?
Sundial.
Hair past a freckle.
Sure, yep.
Hair past a freckle, that's a good one.
Stopwatch, also a good one.
But if you stop it, it's not doing anything.
Yeah, it's not a great way to tell time, actually.
No, it really is a one way.
I stand with it.
So see, nobody got it.
Subscribing to our newsletter.
Oh, that is a good way to tell time.
Because it comes out once a month.
So when you get a new one, you know that a month has passed.
I love that.
You can subscribe to our newsletter, which Jess so lovingly
puts together every month.
It's so good.
It's amazing.
Don't you want to see your fun characters wearing our merch?
Hashtag bless that Jess, man.
Hashtag bless that Jess.
You can sign up for the newsletter at the website.
Yeah, dumbdragons.com, which is getting new stuff basically
since Amy's been away every day.
There's been a new element that's been added to it.
As his family went away and suddenly has a ton of free time
to just like work.
Amazing how that works.
Yeah, it's funny.
So there's that.
But you can also check out Patreon,
patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast,
where when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated
to you, like today's patron, Elizabeth Galtres.
Elizabeth Galtres.
That sounds so noble, so real.
Oh, see, I was thinking part of the Galtres family.
I was thinking Elizabeth, switching it up,
living in a meadow with like some animal familiars
maybe, just living their best life.
That cottage core life.
Yes.
Yeah.
And maybe they are a noble who ran away
from their noble life and is doing that.
Exactly.
They don't need that shit.
I love that for you, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth.
That sounds like a good life.
I'm glad you're spending some time with us too.
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we hope to see you over there.
Elizabeth, who's got just the wildest back story.
She might be casting a spell right now.
She could be.
It's entirely possible.
Yes, yes.
Thank you for being here, Elizabeth.
And now we'll get you back to the episode.
Okay, love you, bye.
Love you, bye.
Like what kind of placard are we talking about?
Are we talking like engraved in metal and hung?
Is it framed?
Is it like scrawled in blood on the wall?
No, it looks like, well, I mean, you work in a school.
It looks like something that a teacher would put up.
Like it's big block lettering so that it's easy to read.
There's some color to it.
You wouldn't call it colorful,
but like it looks more intending to be a joyful sign
rather than any sort of like punishing sign
or anything like that.
The lettering on it is clear and concise.
So more poster than placard?
Yeah, perhaps I was incorrect in my description there,
but yes, we can say it's more instructional poster
or poster adjacent.
Instructional or motivational?
Instructional or informational.
I guess it depends on your interpretation
of the signs.
They're definitely there to motivate the students
to do better.
Students down here?
Order enables learning.
Attendance is responsibility.
Sorry, your question?
Oh, no, I was talking.
We're just spit balling.
We're just bullshitting over here.
Can they be removed?
Yes.
Oh, I would like to take them.
Okay, you take them off the wall.
They're like tacked up there.
Are they on paper?
Yeah.
Okay, I want to roll them up.
Sure.
Take an elastic band out of a money bucket.
The stone walls beneath them look like they,
like the dust peels away from them
or like falls away from them as you take them off.
I'm seeing original wall.
Like when you take something down
that's been in the sun and it's.
Yeah, love that.
Okay, what is this place?
These are creepy.
I'm gonna put them in my room.
Is that okay?
Go for it.
Whatever helps you.
I don't know what this place is.
There's a door and these things aren't ominous.
Let's guess.
Okay.
Five cinnamon rolls says
it's a weird fucked up basement classroom
where they put the bad kids.
Okay, I'll see that bet
and I think it's janitor school.
Janitor school?
That's right.
It's where the janitors go to learn to be janitors.
Oh, okay.
I thought you meant like night school.
So you got bad kids.
You got janitor school.
I'll meet the bet and I'll say
twist weird event where we have to figure out
why order enables learning
and attendance as responsibility and.
That feels like cheating.
Feels like cheating, but okay, okay, fine.
You know what?
I'm gonna wager five cinnamon rolls
that there are five cinnamon rolls back there.
Oh, okay.
Well, I feel like I'm getting five cinnamon rolls
either way.
Hedging your bets then.
Go ahead, Kav.
Oh, oh, sure.
Well, I don't know.
No, no, I'm on it, I'm on it.
Like you moved those things real good.
So like.
I'm gonna muscle that door open, Russ.
Yeah, you are.
Okay.
You head up to the door.
You reach, it's like a thumb latch on it
and you go to press the latch
and it doesn't appear to be locked.
You hear the opening, the click of the mechanism
and it creaks open.
And I just see five cinnamon rolls on a table or?
Yeah, in fact.
But they're sentient.
It is.
Twist.
You've found yourself in a senseo
and you're in a mall and now.
It's our version of Cinnabon.
It's an outlet mall.
You have to escape without spending anything.
Go.
Remember the point when we had Cinzeo
and Cinnabon in the same mall?
It was a wild time.
It's for the Halcyon days that they were.
No, inside the room is small and square.
You see filing cabinets that sag against the walls.
A circle of faintly etched runes
marks the center of the floor.
Bizarre as you enter, you see them
and they appear dormant.
Okay.
Slumped against a desk is a figure.
It looks vaguely humanoid.
It's constructed of lacquered wood,
brass hinges and layered parchment
stretched across a narrow frame.
A small iron bell hangs from one wrist
and a clipboard is fused into the other,
the pages yellowed but pristine.
Where a face should be, there is only blank parchment.
Jess doesn't like it either, look at her.
As you step fully into the room.
Oh, hold on, wait.
Who's saying we step fully into the room?
Cab said he was looking for Cinnabon.
I mean, I said I'd muscle the door open.
I stopped after that.
I assume we do one of these.
Okay.
We push and we recoil.
Okay, then that's what you see.
Yeah, if nobody's stepping into the room,
then that's what you see from where you are.
Stepping into a room triggers something.
I wanna see if I'm getting five cinnamon buns first.
There is not five cinnamon buns.
However, there's a desk.
You do hear a call from up in the main area.
Is everything okay down there?
It's Ezzy.
Check again in five.
Understood.
Okay, should I get more people?
No. Maybe.
That's confusing, but okay, I'll wait here.
You call up if you need anything.
I'll call down in five minutes.
Okay, so do I win?
Yes, you win.
Well, no, nobody wins.
Nobody was right.
No, there's no winner here.
This looks like, remember that guy?
Remember when he was all paid in pages?
Yeah, paper face.
Of course, yep.
Who could forget him?
This guy reminds me of him.
This guy also reminds me of, well, your little duck friend.
Ah!
No, no.
I reach down and I cover CQ's ears,
and I go, how dare you?
In development.
Well, yeah, somebody made this guy.
Well, yeah, but it's not just a,
it looks like an automaton.
It's not just a statue.
Oh yeah, no, I fully expect this guy to get up.
Is he the student or the teacher?
Or is he broken?
Alydin, this is falling into your realm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I do not believe I have a realm yet.
You are working on a craft,
and this is falling within the vicinity of that craft.
I am a child of 14.
You are a smart and capable and talented person.
Are we using this as a learning opportunity?
Is this a teachable moment?
I'd rather you do this right now when I'm here
than have to do it when I'm not.
What does that mean?
I mean, he's got a really good point.
Is this like drinking at home?
I'd rather you kids do it while I'm at the house.
Best you do this while we're here
to like help as opposed to on your own.
Yeah.
Okay, well what am I supposed to do?
I think that's for you to figure out.
What?
You need to go in and investigate this
because you read nine chapters
on a book about clockwork machines.
So I've-
Does it look like a clock?
Bizarre.
Not on the outside and that's kind of the whole point.
Does your duck look like a clock?
No.
Okay.
The look on Russ's face says,
I didn't expect this interaction,
but I'm here for it.
I love it.
It's great.
Let's peer pressure the kid to walk into the creepy room.
I feel like this is getting thrown into a lake.
I'm going in.
I am going in with Alydin and we're going in with this.
We're going in.
All the way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because you have to go in to be able to inspect it
to the length of that.
Okay, okay guys, okay.
No, we're not staying outside.
No, okay.
Shutting the door open.
Yeah.
Good luck, kid.
I'm just saying, okay, fine.
That might be within my scope of information.
I'm not even gonna say knowledge.
Information.
But what the heck are those pictures on the floor?
That's your area of expertise, yes?
That is your wheelhouse?
You know what?
What the frick is that?
Cuchet.
I walk in there?
I step into the room and I start looking
at the sigils on the floor.
You almost said womb.
Cuchet, Alydin.
Womb watch, 2026.
I open it up for her 60 book club.
I guess, let's hear it.
Okay, Bizarre, you step into the room then.
Lead by example, I got caught, my card got pulled.
As you step fully into the room,
the runes in the floor give the faintest flicker.
The bell gives a soft accidental chime.
Parchment face ripples on this figure.
And in a careful and confused voice, you hear,
oh, is it time?
The figure straightens itself in its chair
and begins to look around the space.
It might be time.
I might be early though.
Um, it could be late though.
So I don't know the answer to your question, unfortunately.
What's your name?
I'm like behind.
I'm like, I've like followed Bizarre in
and I'm like just poking out from, you know.
Human shield.
He, this creature, this figure rather,
looks, gives like a confused look at your questions
and says, I don't have a name.
I am referred to as the hall monitor.
What's your job?
My job is to, it looks like it's pausing
and considering the questions.
Or what's your purpose?
Well, to monitor the children and to keep them safe.
How do you do that down here?
Sounds like an important job.
How long have I been down here?
Let's see, I'm 14 and I only just went to school
this year.
You do not fit my records
and he looks straight at you, Alydin.
I'm new.
Hmm.
Looks like he's considering that and says,
that is not an error.
That is new.
Yeah.
I want to ask a question along the lines of,
when was the last student other than Alydin registered
to get a sense of how long it's been
since this has been used?
Basically, when was the last time a student
before Alydin was registered with you?
Its head looks up or appears to look up
and you see like a filtering of information
pass across the parchment,
too fast for you to really catch anything.
And he gives you a year
and that year is 270 years prior.
Where did you come from?
Where did you go?
Cotton Eye Joe.
Cotton Eye Joe is not registered here.
I was created to keep order at the school
and to make sure that the children are safe.
How do you keep order?
Well, I ensure that no one who doesn't belong here
is here.
So, like you kick people out or are you
well, children that are registered, allowed.
Parents of the children allowed.
Educators also allowed.
What happens if someone is not allowed?
They are asked politely to leave.
And then, if they do not leave
and he looks to you Kavlarne,
if they do not leave, I escort them off the premises.
In a kind, respectful manner, yes?
As kind as they show me.
You ever kill a man?
Pauses and then his head tilts
in like this almost confusion.
I do not have records of ever mortally wounding anyone.
That's great.
You hear a call from back upstairs.
Everything's still okay down there?
Bring us down a current list of students.
All the ones that came back recently when we returned.
Please.
And she looks over bizarre like,
she's not your fucking servant.
Okay.
Yeah, a current registered list.
I'll be right back.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season four, episode 56.
Starring Amy More as Alydin.
Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane.
Tom Laird as Kavlarne Goldweave.
Kyle Klasset as Bizard the Wizard.
And Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue editing and sound design
of today's episode is by Russ More.
Our community manager is Jessica Babiak.
Music is from Epidemic Sound
and sound effects are from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art is by Matt Garbutt.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak,
Longeron Kiersen, Perry Matey,
Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden,
Old School Gamer D, Craig Zeiss,
L.A. Branton, Chibs1012, and Kudzu828.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon-supported show
and because of our Patreon supporters,
we get to keep telling bigger, weirder,
more heartfelt stories in this world we love.
And honestly, that's something
we will never take for granted.
Join us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast
and help us tell the stories that you want to hear.
We hope to see you over there.
Have a great week and we'll talk to you soon.
Well,
I,
what?
Try not to look at Jess.
My brain just broke.
Sorry guys.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.