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previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Oh yeah, there's a bunch of wings over here. Just a plate of wings. Just one plate of wings.
That's it. I go and I take one wing and I just hold it. Yeah, that's gonna become currency later.
Pleasure to have you. Nice to see you here. What can I do for you? Brought a very extreme energy and I'm here for it.
What's your name?
Jason. Okay, Jason. Jason Halfmanzoukas.
Right.
Did you get the gift baskets? They are gift baskets. They're bags. I oversold it. They're just bags. What's in them?
Oh, you can go pick a bag. Yeah, and I push through the crowd and I run to the bags.
It's like, well, I'm gonna use the first wish to make this the most epic party ever.
That's what we fade out on as streamers are going, fireworks are going off.
The dogs are barking. It's fucking wild. The 60 people who are at this party are having the best fucking time of their lives.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master Russ More. He, him also with me today is Karla Maxedad.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master Russ More. He, him also with me today is Karla Maxedad.
She, her, I will be playing Neroxious Akra, better known as Glim.
Also she, her.
And Amy More.
Yes!
She, her, and I will be playing Sullivan Slyte, he, him.
And also with me, Tom Laird!
Hey, that's me, he, him, and I'm playing Moot, and who also goes by he, him.
Also with us today is a whole bunch of our patrons.
So many patrons!
Oh boy.
We got Aaron.
The number's 18 right there.
That's right.
We got Aaron.
We got Adam.
We got Chris.
We got John.
We got Jonathan.
We got Kat.
We got Cathy.
We got Kayla.
We got Lori.
We got NerdDowell.
We got Sean.
And we got Jess.
Hello everybody!
Thank you for coming!
Thank you for joining us so early where we are, probably more reasonable where
you are.
Just like a normal time for you guys, mostly.
But the name of the game today is we don't want to make any decisions except
for reacting to the ones that you decide that we do.
Yeah, so just reactions.
We just want to react.
We don't live proactively, just reactively, right?
It's dedicated to all of our patrons because you helped us make it here.
If you're listening to this after the fact, come join us at Patreon.com
slash dumb dragoncast.
Not you because you're here already, but the other people listening who aren't
already on.
This is going to be a great way to come.
Fuck it!
Let's play!
Thank you for interrupting yourself.
Really saved yourself from that tailspin.
What if one of us did it?
I'd never even crossed my mind that we could.
Oh.
But maybe we could?
But could we just be like, I'm really done.
Just cut Russ off by screaming, fuck it, let's play.
Listening to Russ.
Yeah, I'm going to scream, fuck it, let's play.
All right, well that's in the back pocket now.
You can tell when I'm about to start because usually Tom jumps in when I'm about
to say it with something that is unrelated to whatever we're about to do.
I like to call it a topic change.
Ah, yes.
So in the chat, we need a name of a town that these fine folks are going to be coming
into.
Mooklem and Sully, you're out.
You have just, you know, you're wandering through a forest, a long and winding road.
You've just left the ship for whatever reason because we haven't recorded those
episodes yet, but you're on the way, you're on the road again, and you come
upon a sign ahead of you.
City Townville?
Do you still know how to make a name?
I think it's, I think it's City Townsville.
There's no S, City Townville.
I think it maybe is the best name because it's all of the, like it really, you
know that when you get there, there's going to be like probably a square and
some commerce and people.
It's got all this stuff of a city townville.
Well, yeah, but I mean, like I've been to lots of places, Clem, and I don't mean
to shoot down what you're saying because I totally see what you're saying.
However, like a city and a town and a ville are three different levels of like
placeology, you know, like, like a city is enormous, but I think it's more of
like maybe you walk through the ville to get to the town to then get to the
city. I was thinking like a tiered system, like, like it's all city and
then you go up some steps and then there's a town and then you go up some
more steps and then there's a village and then you go up some more steps and
who knows what's up there.
And then you're in heaven?
Probably some kind of, yeah, like maybe just Bahamut's chilling up there and
you can be like, hey bro, how are you doing up here?
That'd be pretty cool.
Every town you come to, do you secretly hope that you're just going to
find Bahamut chilling out?
Obviously.
Yeah, I mean, he might be in one of the ones, right?
Like he could just be chilling.
Doy me.
Hey, you cool kids.
Oh, guys, I've been chasing you for so long.
Oh, God.
Hi.
Hi, Hillop.
So that was you screaming about a few miles back there?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I was in the little dinghy raft trying to chase down your big
pirate ship that you had absconded.
Well, I wouldn't say it's a big pirate ship.
The barge right in is not a pirate ship.
Oh, well, it's good to see you guys.
What's up?
Is there something wrong with like the Bahamaniacs or are you...
Is the Bahamaniacs jobs are rolling fine?
Nobody's complaining to HR at all.
Oh, that's a weird fact to bring up.
Yeah, weird that you brought it up.
We've run out of baguettes, which is kind of an issue.
It's a real drain on the wheat fields.
We got to get creative.
Yeah.
You got to go gluten free.
Oh, OK.
So like rice baguettes.
Yeah, try it out.
Yeah.
OK, cool.
So what are we doing here?
Maybe we go inside and get some some grubs like like like insects.
Is that what you're?
No, it's yes.
Some yum yums in my tum tums.
Oh, well, we're like together.
We're going to City Townvale.
Is that where you're?
Yeah, no, actually, actually, absolutely.
That's where we're setting up a new Bahamaniacs later.
Don't worry about it.
It's going to actually we're going to talk about renaming
the town of City Townville.
We'll talk about that later.
That's OK.
I'm sorry.
You're setting up an exercise group and they're going to let you rename the town.
It's a courtesy.
Yes.
I mean, Bahamaniacs is pretty life changing for everybody
once you start getting into that Zumba.
So yeah, I mean, if we can get like the mayor
and most of the city council on board in Zumba classes,
I feel like there's a chance.
OK, well, let's go talk to the mayor.
I wonder who the mayor is here.
I'm going to pull Glim aside as we start to walk again and just say,
do not let him switch to gluten free bread.
No one will want it.
Oh, just telling you,
not even the people who need gluten free bread want gluten free bread.
Glim, you never say where you're going first.
You ask him where he's going first,
and then you're not going to the same place.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I forgot I got some.
Yeah, OK.
Which is too nice.
Hey, you guys, I found somebody who knows the name of the mayor, right?
What? Sorry, sir.
What did you say the name of the mayor was?
Oh, sorry, the mayor's mom neck breaker.
Oh, wow, that is quite the name.
His name is mom.
His name is his name is mom neck breaker.
Like, like my mom.
What's mom short for?
Uh, Miriam.
Oh, Miriam.
Maryamal.
Maryamal.
Maryamal.
Yeah, it's like Maryamal.
Yeah, like, but different in facets.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, seems pretty straightforward.
Oh, OK.
And do you know where?
I have so many questions about mom.
Do you know where we could find him?
Is he as intimidating as the name neck breaker would lead me to believe?
Oh, probably not.
No, they're very small, small in stature, a very nice person.
Neck breaker is more of a family name.
Yeah, yeah.
Long line of neck breakers.
And who are you?
I'm Glu-Tun.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you, Glu.
We were curious about how City Townsville works.
Like, is it like tiered or is there different areas or is it just one?
Is it all three of the things?
Oh, yes.
Is Bahama just chillin' somewhere?
Yeah, I know.
That's the real question.
City Townsville is more of a suburb of the town.
You know, there's the Cityville township.
And then there's the hamlets, of course.
There's the city, the ville, and then the towns.
Is there a Cityville proper?
Exactly. Yes, that's exactly it.
Yep.
Well, that's not confusing at all.
Why would it be?
That's what I said.
So where's the mayor?
Oh, probably at the job, the job postings.
So what day is it today?
Sunday morning, about 915 Mountain.
He's probably at the job postings.
Is the mayor just picking up random jobs?
No, they post them.
They post the job.
That makes sense.
Also, they're like government positions posted.
Could be government positions posted.
You guys, working for the city makes you a lot more gold than it does
just a regular smough.
Yeah, we probably want to get there because they're fresh.
Like if he's just putting them up now, we want to be the first ones
there to like get our pick of the choice assignments.
Well, and the more city towns or villas we go to and we like make a name
for ourselves.
Oh, all right.
Right. We get like some legacy going on here.
Well, it's nice. Nice talking to you.
Yeah, you too, Glue.
You too, Glue.
You head through the town of City Townsville.
It's a nice, quiet town.
You know, everybody's just waking up.
The baker is putting out the fresh breads.
The librarian is doing, you know, just banging out the books.
You say banging the books together.
Like dusting them off, you know, like librarians do.
You know how librarians do.
OK, who didn't grow up having to, wishing to be the person
who banged off the chalkboard erasers?
I know. It's like banged off is probably not.
We're really from another time
when you say, like, doesn't it seem like in 1853,
the really choice assignment in the school room was to clean the erasers.
But God forbid you hit the school with those because I mean, like, holy shit.
Big trouble. Yeah.
Is it like that, but with books?
You did. You didn't.
You are about six months younger than me.
No, I did. I hit it against the school.
Oh, you hit against the school. You monsters.
I know.
I didn't know I was married to such a bad boy, you guys.
And he runs our game.
Oh, boy. This explains a lot.
I've got chills. Not today, everybody.
Anyway, so she's doing that with books outside as well.
That's that's the imagery I was going for.
Dust everywhere, books lapping together.
Occasionally hear one of them, one of them yelp.
Because it's a mimic.
Maybe, you don't know.
But you pass down by the librarian without giving too much thought about it,
and you make your way to the town center where you see a big job
post job board post posting sign.
Posting. Is he a big job board?
Oh, a job board posting sign right there in the town center.
That's right. Right there in town center.
And you see just a small, just a small halfling there
reaching, straining with, I don't know why I'm stuck in this accent now.
Just embrace it.
Yeah, just straining to reach up and try and put the papers
up there with a little thumbtack.
And a hammer? Yeah.
Good morning.
Oh, oh, oh, good morning there.
Pleasure to meet you.
Hey, you're tall.
Could you put this up high?
Absolutely. Are you?
And I take the postings and start putting things up.
Are you the mayor?
Yep, that's me, mom.
Neck breaker. Look at me.
I'm a neck breaker, obviously.
You look like a neck breaker. Yeah.
Huh. Well, we're just kind of cruising through town
looking for some work.
So, so perfect that we ended up here with all of these great postings.
So many. Wow.
City, CityTownsville is a great hub for for all things happening in.
I mean, basically judging by the number of jobs posting here
in the entire region, there's we've we're a filter city.
We filter through all of the things and then send people back out to do jobs.
So, yeah, have a look and see what you like here.
This this one just kind of jumped in.
It's it's one of my favorites that came in recently.
It's a need to change a pace, require an instructor
learned in local law to tutor my child will reward.
Are you guys good with local law?
Will reward you with a land deed. Wow.
It says you must not smell.
Does that mean you shouldn't be stinky or should your olfactory
systems be on the fritz?
Who's this one from?
Oh, it's Jennings Electro Sprocket.
Must not smell. They probably don't want you to stink real bad.
OK, all right.
Yeah, I mean, you two are fine. Oh, my gosh.
Some others here.
Um, I seem to have made a mistake with my experiment.
I don't think my book should eat one another.
Please help contain them. Interesting.
What about this one?
Taco Monsters kidnapping Zumba participants.
Check local cave.
I mean, that seems OK.
First of all,
Hillip, I thought you said there wasn't a Baja Maniacs here yet.
So does that mean there's a competing Zumba studio?
Because Glim, Glim, let me be serious with you right now.
I would appreciate it.
There is no Baja Maniacs here yet.
I was actually coming to completely squash the competition.
But you beat me here before I got here.
But maybe that's something that we we could take care of
by this taco monster that just randomly showed up.
No one no one knows how the taco monster got there.
Was it Tuesday?
What do you think, Moot?
Anything look good?
You interested in anything?
Um, there's one.
I know we're not usually like housekeepers,
but looking for a new housekeeper for more info.
Come to the dark castle at midnight.
I mean, dark castle at midnight.
That sounds pretty cool.
Oh, well, what about this one?
Cat missing, small, brown and very friendly.
Also a portal to hell has opened in my basement, maybe related.
Hmm.
Oh, I seem to have lost my pet rock at the quarry.
It's dark gray with white speckles.
Please bring it back to me.
Seems like an easy one.
I feel like that's going to be impossible.
How would you find they're all that color?
Like needle in a haystack kind of situation.
Oh, I guess I thought because it was a pet rock,
it would have more of a personality.
It would sort of stand out and we could just go.
OK, yeah.
But I see what you're saying.
It probably is a bit googly eyes on it or something.
Exactly.
Hey, mom, neck breaker, quick question for you.
If I was about, let's say, just randomly six inches taller,
would you have leaned on me to get the job done
of reaching the higher posting?
Oh, yeah, probably.
You're just a little too much of a small fry
to reach that top corner.
That's what I keep telling them.
OK.
All right.
I thought as much.
I just I just wanted to check.
A bit of a compLex?
No, no, nothing.
Nothing happened at all in the past.
That's right.
Totally respectable in tie me up has been robbed.
Speak to the owner for details.
I think maybe we can just stop there later.
They say it's totally respectable.
I mean, an interesting way to preface.
That's for sure.
Well, so many options, guys.
What do you think?
Dark castle at midnight.
I guess you've kind of shot down the quarry idea,
but that's OK.
Well, there was two at the quarry.
We could maybe multitask with two.
Yeah, I mean, the missing cat.
That sounds nice.
Oh, yeah, and the portal.
You guys, I think I found it.
My great Grammy keeps getting into fights with her neighbor.
If you can get them to stop arguing, I'll pay you 10 gold.
I'm tired of taking them to clerics when they wrestle.
See, Aunt Fourth, Uncle Hitter for more info.
I mean, I don't know about you,
but a good granny brawl is always.
You love a fighting granny.
You really do.
And a rapping granny.
And if they're doing both at the same time,
it's like my birthday or something.
Yeah, rap battle granny.
Let's go see rap battle granny.
What do you think?
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Yeah, it sounds like a great idea.
Loving it.
It's going to be so good.
I like how we're also kind of subsequently punishing
wrestlers at the same time.
I can't wait to hear this granny rap.
Yeah, me too.
It's going to be great.
Two of them.
It's a rap battle.
I didn't think I saw that one.
That's OK.
You saw it.
You just refuse to acknowledge it.
See, right there.
Well, yeah, you just got to go down to Uncle 4th Antsville's.
What?
Aunt 4th Uncle Hitter.
Yeah, you just got to go see Aunt 4th Uncle Hitter.
They live down on Main.
Great.
Well, it was so nice to meet you.
Oh, yeah, it's great.
Thanks, Mom.
Anytime there, dear.
Anytime you just want to come reach high things.
Always looking for someone to reach a high thing.
If you want to reach a really high place,
maybe I could tell you about this cool guy I know,
and he'll take you to the top number.
Sorry, got to go.
Great in, though.
Got a city to run.
I mean, it was just sitting there.
He put it right out there.
Yeah, you can't pass that one up.
So you head down to Main, to the address
that clearly Mom told you.
And you hear yelling, like pretty intense yelling
coming from down a few houses.
It's mostly garbled from where you're standing now.
It's just more like, oh, snap, yes, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew.
Oh, man, it really sounds like they're getting into it.
I think we might have found the right place.
Oh, god, I don't know if we should have chosen this one
as a way to help the town, because I may just
want to watch instead of actually do something.
Maybe they'll just tire themselves out, though.
Maybe.
Yeah, but would you put up an ad if they were just
going to tire themselves out?
It's true.
It must be, like, really nonstop for someone
to take the time to put up an ad
and submit it through the city's official portal
for the mayor to go post up on the job board, so.
All right, well, let's get these fiery grandmas.
You head down, and you come to the front door.
And it's a little cracked open.
You hear yelling coming out from the back of the house.
I knock.
You know, my signature knock.
That's the one.
That's it.
Is that not everyone's signature?
Yes.
There's no answer.
Is there, like, a side yard we could go down and kind
of look to see if they're peer over the fence?
Yeah, are they in the backyard?
Yes, yes, they are.
You head down the side yard, and you come into the back,
and you see a little old lady.
And she's in just the nightiest of nightgowns.
She's got her.
Wait.
Wait, I have, yeah, sexy or, like, flannel-y?
Because I feel like the nightiest of nightgowns
kind of went two ways in my mind.
On one side of the fence, the side you're on,
it's flannel.
On the other side of the fence,
there's another granny who's wearing
more of a negligee.
Yeah.
Good for her.
A little bit of a teddy kind of thing going on.
Wow.
Yeah.
Any faux fur have it?
There's a mercant.
I assume she's wearing those slide-on mules
with the, like, boa, you know, the ones?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad she hasn't lost her sexuality.
You know, that doesn't just go away
because you get older.
Sure.
She's got needs.
The need to wear incredibly uncomfortable lingerie,
apparently, in her backyard.
The need to speed.
So I call, hello?
I'm quickly really making sure the pamphlets that I have
with me are quite well-hidden because I have had not
great success if I knock or approach a house
with the pamphlets visible.
Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah, we've been turned down for just, like,
a lot of different places.
So I make sure those are well-hidden away,
even though I pulled one out to give to the mayor.
Sick and tired of your lewd garden gnomes,
just creeping into my garden.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Why?
We could.
Oh, hi.
Oh.
Hi, sorry.
Hello.
This is a little bit Flamikins,
but it's just an old lady.
It's not Flamikins.
Maybe it could be.
Maybe Flamikins is a little bit older now.
I would explain the Teddy.
Yeah, which granny are we talking to right now?
You're probably talking to the flannel granny.
Flannel granny, OK.
I'm so sorry to interrupt your screaming.
However, we thought maybe we could, we just,
we heard some distress and just thought
we could maybe help out.
What, Aunt Forrest, Uncle Hitter sent you?
Well, not us particularly.
Just, like, it was like a cry for help.
Yeah, and it was on the job board.
They put this on the job board?
Oh, God.
The sexy you two are really, really
causing a ruckus, you two.
Well, yes, we are.
See, she keeps stealing my sexy gnomes.
And are you stealing the sexy gnomes?
I'm not stealing them.
They just, they find their way over here.
So the gnomes are alive and moving?
They're alive with the sound of music.
And sexy.
Look at them.
Whoa.
And they're very sexy.
I would assume very sexy gnomes.
Well, this one has his pants down.
Do you see that one?
And he's got his junk buried in the face of a flower.
You haven't even seen the one giving it to the toadstool yet.
Aw, damn, where's that one?
It's probably crept over onto that side there.
Now, you keep saying crept over,
like you didn't put them there.
Why would I put them there?
They're my gnomes from her.
So you're implying that they move themselves?
They were a gift to me.
But she's saying that they're hers?
No, she's saying that they creep, creepin' over
because she doesn't like how sexy they look,
which is very odd,
depend, you know, judging by the way she dresses.
Okay, okay, let me get this straight.
She wants to be the star attraction,
not the sexy garden gnomes.
Granny with the flanny has lew garden gnomes.
Yep.
That sexy grandma over here
Finds offensive.
Finds offensive.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
But, okay.
So, so there's no stealing going on?
Yes, she's stealing them.
Oh, sexy grandma's taking your gnomes.
She's taking the gnomes.
Oh, sexy grandma.
She says she doesn't like them.
Are you just, and I'm so sorry,
I haven't asked your names,
but I think the labels we have going on are working.
Yeah, flanny and sexy, you're fine with,
I mean, it makes sense.
Are you guys okay with that?
Because the voices are basically the same.
Yeah, I get confused.
Could I ask a question about the gnomes?
Because they are quite unique.
I've not seen, so I'm just wondering if you,
maybe they were like a gift from the fae
or maybe a gift from an ex.
Well, they were a gift from Grandpa Hot Pants.
Oh, Grandpa Hot Pants.
Who is Grandpa Hot Pants?
He's my sugar daddy.
Oh.
Says Granny in the flanny.
Oh.
Well, yeah, flanny granny,
she's the owner of, you know.
I'm gonna try and make it the same.
This is Granny in the flanny.
And this is, fuck, they're all the same.
Can maybe she just have like a more,
like sultry tone to her?
Because she's sexy Granny.
This is her voice now.
I'm sorry, is that your sultry voice?
Oh, Amy.
I know, are you guys jealous?
I wake up to that voice every morning.
This is my very sexual voice.
I can picture us pouring on the charm now
and it all makes so much sense.
And they say, no,
because you've got a little bit of Chris
or Kavin Hart going on here.
Yeah, this is sexy Granny.
Okay.
I'm so horny right now.
Well, you've seen the gnomes.
I've, right?
Anyways, Granny.
I mean, they are very sexy.
There's like, there's one all in leather
and one like in a little lace outfit
that has the one in leather on a leash.
There's the one in the swing in the back too.
Yeah.
Well, actually it's not one in the swing.
That's several in the swing.
Who knows swings.
I mean, if you're gonna have a swing,
you may as well swing in it.
That's what you have.
If they move themselves,
how does the one with the hood
and the zipper over the mouth,
how does he get around?
Well, because he still has arms and legs.
Oh no, now hold on.
If you look behind him,
he's got a butt plug with a leash on it.
So.
Oh, yep.
Okay.
Here we go.
That makes sense.
That makes sense.
Okay, so I mean.
How do we, maybe we need to figure out
if they are really actually alive.
Cause that would explain a lot.
If they're sentient creatures,
they're just, you know,
go into whatever garden they,
exactly, they wanna,
they go wherever they want.
They fuck where they wanna fuck.
Exactly.
That's what everybody always says about gnomes.
Yep.
I had not previously heard that, but that's, I mean.
I'm shocked by that, Sully.
Wow.
I mean, I don't like to paint people
with broad strokes.
Look.
I don't know if they're magic or not.
They were just, you know,
loving gifts from grandpa hot pants.
And then they just started going missing one night.
Okay.
Is grandpa hot pants around here?
We can maybe verify that he did in fact,
give them to you.
And if they're ended up over in sexy granny's
backyard, then we can like, for sure.
Cause right now it's just a,
just a she said, she said situation.
Well, yes, grandpa.
I can't remember what fucking voice it was.
Kavin Hart.
What did you write Kavin Hart on?
It's like an Arvid, Kavin Hart combo.
Yep.
Arvid Hart.
Yeah, he lives just a couple of houses down.
Did she forget to put her teeth in
and that's why she sounds like that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Remember to put her teddy and negligee on,
but not the teeth.
Not the teeth.
You gotta go out looking your best.
Okay.
So I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
Keep it together.
Yes.
They said they live a couple of houses down.
Maybe we just go visit grandpa hot pants.
You're still here.
Yeah.
I'm always here.
Phillip is always present with you.
It feels like an invasion of privacy, but.
What a joy for us.
Let's talk to Mr. Hot Pants.
Grandpa Hot Pants, I believe it was his title.
Yeah. Let's go.
Maybe just go see, just double check.
Do we all want to go?
Do we dad leave these two grannies together?
What if they start snatching at each other's faces?
Phillip, maybe you could supervise the grannies,
make sure they don't start fighting too much
and we'll go talk to grandpa Hot Pants.
And if we could know what they're saying occasionally
with Phillip, that'd be great.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
That sounds like a cool idea.
I'm going to stay here with these two sexy,
sex active grannies and nothing crazy will happen.
I promise you.
Oh God.
What are we going to come back to?
I don't know.
I regret it already,
but also then we won't have Phillip with us.
So maybe I don't.
Let's go see grandpa Hot Pants.
Oh, it really is just a couple of doors down.
Cause look, I see a mailbox right there
and he does have grandpa Hot Pants written like right on it.
Written right on it.
Oh, it's perfect.
It's all bedazzled.
With a little caricature of said Hot Pants.
So that's cute.
I like this guy already.
Maybe a bit embellished right in the crotch there,
but I guess we'll find out.
I mean, maybe or maybe not.
You go knock on the door and it swings open
and a plume of hot box comes out.
And an old man, an assless chap steps forward
who has a rather large cod piece.
Did I miss any other description of grandpa?
Oh, lace Hot Pants.
Over those assless chaps are lace Hot Pants.
Wow.
Are they?
Maybe they're ass.
And shirtless, I imagine.
Yeah, I would have to assume so.
He's a rip.
With like a belly, I assume.
He's a ripped grandpa.
Oh, damn.
Okay.
Grandpa Hot Pants.
Like that sexy Santa that that mall did that campaign with.
Did you guys see that?
He was buried.
He was, yeah, that was a good Santa.
Well, that's what I'm picturing now.
Okay.
In fact, the crotch is rather understated
in the picture that you saw, so.
I had an inkling.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hello, sir.
Oh, hello there.
Hi, grandpa Hot Pants.
Pleasure.
It's so nice.
So nice to meet you.
Yeah, wow.
Yeah, real pleasure.
Yes, have you come on recommendation?
Kind of, kind of, but not for the reason
that you're probably thinking.
Oh.
We were just curious, what's the deal with the gnomes?
You know the sexy gnomes
that you bought for Flanny Granny?
Well, I don't, that's what we call them.
Who did you buy them for Flanny Granny?
Who did you buy the gnomes for?
The gnomes were a gift to Flanny Granny.
Is there anything special about these gnomes
other than their wild, yeah.
Let me check the calendar.
Yes, yes, okay, yes.
Well, it seems that the moon
has reached its 14th lunar cycle
and the gnomes will come alive
and present themselves to their owners.
Oh, there's at least three that are presenting.
They are presenting themselves.
Oh, so many.
Now, previously to this lunar cycle,
were they just complete bitches?
The grannies or the gnomes?
Both.
Everybody's all crazy over there.
Well, once they start spritzing their gnomish pheromones,
it can elevate certain untold desires,
create a pact of untold desires, perhaps.
Uh-oh, okay.
Now, some of these gnomes are making the way over
into Sexy Granny's yard.
Are they choosing?
Well, they are promiscuous.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
If there are too many gnomes in one location,
they spread.
Why did you give so many gnomes in one location?
I was hoping to win her over.
It came to me in a dream.
If I could win over Flanny Granny, then.
She's the ultimate conquest.
Complete your bingo card?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, sir.
To complete my life's bingo card.
Okay.
The center square is often Flanny Granny,
so that's fair.
Yeah.
So they're perfectly normal.
Nothing to see here.
They're just going to enact their pheromone goodness
on them and then probably on the neighborhood.
And for how long is it just a short cycle or?
Forever.
Oh, okay.
So, wow.
They just reproduce forever.
Okay.
I mean, we like to be sex positive.
Right, guys?
Like, we're aggressively sex positive.
Fuck yeah.
Come on, we can talk about it inside.
No, that's not right.
I feel like we maybe need to,
because one of the best things about being sex positive
is positive consent.
And I feel like by just releasing sex pheromone gnomes
on the whole neighborhood,
you maybe haven't taken that into account
in the way that you probably would like to.
Well, that's fair.
Yes, I suppose I've stumbled backwards
into an odd consent program.
She did accept the gifts willingly.
Oh, yes. Of course.
But did the whole neighborhood?
Well, not yet.
We look down and there's like a couple gnomes
kind of like peeking around.
Yeah, yeah.
We can like see some stuff through the door.
Hey, what you doing?
Hey, close the door.
Close the door.
Don't look at us while we're doing this.
Oh, like you don't want us to look at you
when you're doing that. Okay, look at me.
Oh, boy.
Oh, I'll make extreme eye contact with you
while we're doing this.
I think we've gotten a little off topic.
I think we have a gnome problem
to take care of here, people.
I think we maybe have a gnome problem.
Now, the gnomes, did they,
maybe they came from somewhere else
and we could just-
Round them up.
We don't want to destroy the gnomes
but we could just maybe collect them
and send them back home.
Sure.
Yes, yes.
Well, I bought them off a man
who said he was from the Fae.
So perhaps they could be sent back to the Fae.
Or maybe what if we canvas the neighborhood
and see if all the neighbors want to take one or two
and then they can all stay
and then they're not in the same place
reproducing constantly.
But then won't they still just give out
the pheromones all the time?
Cause it never stops.
Oh, yeah, didn't think of that.
That was never ending spreading of the pheromones.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, hey, at least now we gnome the problem.
Okay, thank you, Sir Hot Pants.
Yeah, yes, anytime.
Oh, I probably have some items here for you.
Oh, oh.
That you could use to wrangle these.
Yes, please.
Oh, okay.
I was just gonna use my hands with gloves on.
Just let me go check the back.
Well, I get a list of things that could be presented.
Go on.
Welcome to the meadow, we've got stuff and things.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
Meal time.
If you want all the things and stuff,
that's what you're gonna get.
We are the-
Take it home, Russ.
Place that you find all the great things.
I wish I had another word that wasn't things.
Okay, we'll be back.
All right, let's, yeah.
Well, I know what birthday gift you get, Russ.
It's a thesaurus.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
We both could use that.
We could.
Hey, it's the gift.
It's the overlapping gift.
There it is.
We found it, Tom.
We found it in the middle, all right.
Lots of stuff were found in the middle.
That's right.
Hey, last week was our first episode back from vacation.
I did the middle by myself,
because I was like,
I don't want to call everybody in
just for one little middle.
But now we're back together,
doing this thing together again.
And it feels good.
And can I say, we have not lost it.
No.
No, still sharp as a tack.
Based on that song off the top there.
Finally honed edges.
Russ has been holding on to that song for-
I wrote that song at the beginning of vacation.
He's been working on it for four weeks.
It's been a long time.
That's four weeks worth of work.
Yeah.
How do you feel about that?
Oh, boy.
I feel great about it.
Yeah, I feel-
Good, you should.
That's what's important.
Sometimes you just have to throw things at the wall
and just be proud of them, because-
Nope.
You're just proud of all of them.
But are you supposed to see what sticks?
Like a proud of mom again.
You just hurl things at the wall.
No, the saying is, you throw things at the wall
and then be proud of them.
Okay.
Yeah, what's wrong with you guys?
So with the support of our friends at Podbean,
we've got something that you might want to try here.
Okay.
You know how sometimes you're like,
mm, my podcast app.
I wish I could try a different one.
Yeah, because sometimes people update them
and then they are terrible.
Not pointing any fingers.
No, not pointing any.
For example?
Not taking any bites out of any apples.
Well, I mean, you really-
I kind of said the quiet part loud there, Tom.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What we want to say is,
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Anecdotally, they've been around forever.
I remember back in school doing a project
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And uploading it on Podbean.
And that was like when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
Yeah, I think they've got,
well, they've got a whole bunch of different plans
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Oh, I like that.
That's fun.
And that's shitter chatter back.
That's fun.
So Podbean, go try it out.
Podbean.com.
There's no tagline for them.
Two beans in a pod.
Yeah, podbean.com.
What Amy said.
Bean it up.
Bean me up, Scotty?
We're in the middle now
and we're singing a song about Podbean.
They are an app that you can listen to
all your podcasts.
Podcasts.
Podbean.
You can push, play and rewind.
More probably skip 15 seconds in the past.
Podbean.
Podbean.
Yeah.
Podbean.
Thanks for listening to us.
All right, you have a great rest of your week
and we'll talk to you soon.
We cut back to Hillup and Flanny Granny
and Sexy Granny.
So what you're saying is I just have to put my knees
up into these holsters?
Oh God, they got them on the swing.
Oh wait, I'm not there.
You just can sense it.
I can't, I'm just like.
You just raise them up there.
Yeah, you put them up high.
Yeah, and then we're just testing the weight there.
See how it bounces?
Yeah, that's good.
Okay, so this is really fun.
So what do we do now?
I like that they've got Hillup in the swing.
That seems.
Yeah, I like that.
That seems appropriate.
Hot Pants comes back.
Well, I have a bag of things here.
It reaches in and pulls out another bag.
Oh, I like a bag in a bag.
Here.
There's a mystery to it.
I'll give this one to you here.
This is what they call a bag of kittens.
It's an extra dimensional portal that houses kittens.
Oh, could we put the gnomes in there?
Well, I mean, it's full of kittens.
So you reach it.
I mean, you could potentially put the gnomes in there
and put them into an extra-dimensional plane.
We could take the kittens out
and give them to the granny.
Yes, you could.
Oh, that's fun.
You know what, too?
I think cats have crazy pheromones.
Like they pee and spray all over stuff.
Maybe you could.
How many kittens were in here?
Thousands.
There's thousands of kittens in here.
One, two, three.
Thousands.
Thousands of kittens.
That's thousands of kittens.
Well, here's your standard staff of probing gnomes
by eggsy, chokers, leather hoods,
fingerprinting dust and brushes.
That seems here.
I'm an investigator.
Sure, moot.
I think you didn't tell me your name,
but I'm gonna call you by it.
Sure.
You got the name tag there.
Oh, yep, yep.
Oh, what's this one?
This is a comb of beard man, sir.
While it touches your body,
you can grow and regrow a foot of facial hair
as a bonus action.
Anybody interested in that?
Well, you know, I could mask myself as a gnome.
Excuse me. A giant gnome.
Thank you for the name tags again.
You look like you had a beard once.
I did.
And so I'm going to stay away from that comb.
But thank you.
I think, I don't know if,
yeah, the disguise,
maybe you could pretend to be a sexy gnome, Sully.
But please note that you're getting
too close to me with it.
Please.
Okay.
I'll take it.
Okay, there you go.
Gnome and guard grenade,
potion of gnome pheromones
to lure them into a possi-
I'll let you decide how you use it.
Can we just take the duffel bag?
I like the potion we could throw it into the-
Can we just take the duffel bag?
Maybe add this bag?
Yeah, what if we just took this whole thing?
Ooh, guys, there's a whip in here.
Oh, well, I'm not surprised.
That's the most normal of the things
that I've told you about.
Sheet of useful toys.
Yeah, absolutely.
Look at all these cool, cool things we've gotten here.
Well, I say we just kind of go and use them all.
He hands you the bag.
Let's go.
You're heading back to the scene of the crime?
Oh yeah.
Or are you-
Well, there hasn't really been a crime committed,
has there?
There's no crime.
There's just-
It was a public disturbance.
An accidental pheromone release.
Okay, we are approaching the fence.
Come on in, come on in.
We're just having a good time in the swing here.
Oh God.
Oh.
Yes?
I knew it.
Yep, come on in.
Everything's fine.
Okay.
Everybody's pants are on still.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Well, we're just gonna-
So turns out we have to get rid of the gnomes.
Yes, I'm sorry.
But you were right, Flanny Granny.
It's very important for people to hear when they were right.
Yeah.
Those gnomes do belong to you.
They were gifts from Grandpa Hot Pants.
Yeah.
Who we did not have sex with.
So stop.
And-
Well, I mean, he charges by the hour.
I know, it's way too expensive.
It's an open relationship.
You can do what you like.
But these gnomes have come to life,
will stay alive, fucking all over the place.
Right?
Giving off sexy pheromones.
He's just trying to win your heart.
With sexy pheromones?
Well, first it was just with the trinkets.
You know, just so you know.
He digs you, boo.
Great.
Well, I'm glad we solved that problem.
How are we gonna get rid of them?
Oh, we'll get this duffel bag of stuff.
Yeah, and how are we gonna get them to stop
coming over to my side of the yard?
Well, what's this do?
This isn't-
Huh, it's like a vibrating wand.
I'm not sure what-
Okay, so, okay, one end wasn't tingled.
Oh, okay.
Okay, and I'm gonna turn it up.
I'm turning it up.
Turning it up.
Oh my God, oh, ow.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
That seems aggressive.
Well, if you can't even hold onto it.
Can't even.
Buzzed right out of my hand.
Wow.
It's a little extreme.
Well, maybe you should touch one of the gnomes with it
and see what happens.
Okay, okay.
So I pick it up very carefully and turn it back down,
more closer to pleasant tingle than crusher
and hold it in my hand, pointing out,
walking towards one of the gnomes.
Maybe the one that's dressed like a shepherdess
for some reason, it's quite old fashioned.
Little bo peep.
Little bo peep, but a very short skirt,
kind of bent over.
And I kind of gently touch,
just to like the arm.
Make a dexterity roll.
Russ looks around like he's got any papers to say,
like, what if that happened?
Let me just check my vibrator stats here.
Let me check my sex gnome reaction time.
Clearly this is the only thing I prepped.
Dex is, okay, so 16.
Just as you're approaching the sexy little bo peep.
Gnome turns and looks at you.
Say it out loud, Russ.
Sexy little bo peep gnome turns and looks at you
at first in a little fright,
but then with intrigue and excitement.
And you approach and vibrate the shoulder of this gnome
and its entire body begins convulsing.
Well, I mean, everybody knows
the shoulder is the pleasure center.
It's one of the main erogenous zones of a gnome.
But then it keeps vibrating
and you pull the vibrator back
until the ceramic arm vibrates off.
Hey, what are you doing?
I thought we were having a good time here.
Well, it's just that, do we have that bag or can I?
The kitten bag.
And I open up the kitten bag
and I start taking kittens out
and just start like throwing them at gnomes.
So as an action,
you can reach inside the bag and pick a kitten.
Alternatively, you can use your action
to place a new kitten in the bag
and as an action, you can cause all the thousand kittens
to come out.
You know what?
I don't think you know how to use it.
All thousand kittens pour out.
Yeah, I just dump the bag of kittens.
Oh, okay.
I'm gonna try and put the sexy shepherdess
in the bag now.
Okay, sure.
Yeah, you pick up the sexy shepherdess
and she's yelling at you.
Hey, you made my arm fall off.
I pick up the arm and put the arm in there too.
You feel this warmth coming off of this gnome.
Why stop now?
We're in it.
And its body begins to slowly change and morph
and it's getting bigger.
Not a lot bigger, but it gets bigger
until you see before you,
it is a small gnome-like creature with a red cap
and a huge scythe who swings down towards you.
Wow, oh.
For a nat one.
Now is that a two-handed weapon, Russ?
Or because they did lose an arm.
It's a single-handed scythe.
Huge for their size.
But they rolled a nat one.
So they swing into the bag as you put them in there.
They scream and it's like, ah!
What just happened?
Well, a million cats came out of that bag.
There's so many cats here now.
They're very cute.
I'm on the floor playing with them.
They're spraying and we know the pheromones
are coming out of the gnomes too.
So there's a thick scent in the air.
It's a musk, it's a musky.
There's a real musk.
I don't know if I've made any better with the cats.
However, you know.
Yeah, so you're in.
Well, cuter.
You've made it cuter.
There's a 30-foot sphere of kittens
that is expanding by 10 feet each turn.
Lasts for 3D6 turns until the kittens become tired
from all the play.
So you have this 30-foot ball of kittens
swirling, journeying.
The ground is being torn up.
Fences are being knocked over.
Gnomes are running all over the place.
Oh, okay.
I've got, here, moot.
And I pass moot this bottle that says pheromones on it.
Where can I spray this that's a smart choice for us?
Smart.
Where should we spray this?
Audience?
Hey guys, that kittens are getting
real close to my swing set here.
Maybe somebody could help me down.
Oh, I think you're safe for that.
Is there a well on the property?
Yeah, just actually in sexy granny's yard,
there's a well.
Was it a real one or is it a fake one?
I assume the fence is down now from that,
from that 30-foot sphere of kittens.
You know, we've been meaning to open,
no, we haven't been meaning to open that up.
That would seem like a weird character choice,
but now we might become closer as friends.
I head over to the well on sexy granny's property
and I spray around the well
and then turn the auto-spray function on
as I drop it down the well.
It's spraying all the way down.
You see the gnomes that were running from the kittens
stop and turn and look towards you in the well
and they got a look in their eye
and you hear some Barry White music come out of nowhere.
Actually, it doesn't come out of nowhere.
And I backed away from the well at this point.
It comes out of all of them.
They all begin singing.
Can't get enough of your love, babe.
It's as low as my voice will go.
My darling.
And they're just, they're snapping and they're dancing.
They're moving towards closing the circle around you
because they were all around you.
I have proceeded to back the fuck up
and then turn into a bat with my bat cloak.
I was gonna say, that's not how circles work, but okay.
There's so much hip thrust.
As I saw them coming towards me.
So yes, I drape my cloak around my shoulders
and I say, I go bat now.
And I turn into a bat.
Bat flies off and they're moving towards the well.
They're coming out of like.
And who do we see?
We see the one with the leash butt plug.
We see a cowboy with ass lice.
It looks a lot like Hot Pants Grandpa.
There's good similarities.
There's one in full gimp suit, obviously.
The one that's tied to like one of those cross things.
I forget the name of them.
Those ones, they're just kind of like,
rolling like it's just end over end
because there's the cross there.
There's the swing set.
They're pushing the swing.
Like the swing is rocking.
There's the furry one, one dressed.
Absolutely.
So, Hillop is being pushed towards the well.
He's in the swing, isn't he?
Or is there a tiny gnome swing?
There was a tiny gnome swing, I think,
is what we saw.
Yeah, sure.
You see the one with the giant flogging paddle.
Yeah, yeah.
One's got that ball choker in its mouth.
I mean, a couple do, actually.
There's a few of those.
A lot of latex, a lot of leather.
Dog one.
For some reason, there's-
Yeah, a lot of dog leash kind of things going on, yeah.
Full suit, like a three piece suit.
Oh, yeah.
A knight, for some reason.
The cop from the village people.
Yes.
There's a whole group of them.
Yeah, I actually see the construction worker
from the village people.
No, yeah.
Maybe all of the-
And you know what?
All of the village people are there.
Look, there's also French maid.
Lots of French maids.
Yeah.
There's just a whole group of them,
like racing each other,
riding one another around the perimeter,
much like a jockey race.
Lots of leapfrog, too,
but they're not making it all the way over.
Yep, no.
It stops part way.
And just to be explicit,
there's a lot of sexual parts just out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Very much.
We're describing the outfits, but obviously-
Very anatomically correct,
but also a little bigger than what, you know-
Definitely enlarged in many ways.
Yeah, yeah.
Much akin to grandpa hot pants.
Embiggened, if you will.
So they're moving towards, sorry,
they're moving towards the well and they're climbing up
and all of them are falling in following the pheromones
and you hear, at first you hear like shatters
down at the bottom.
Wasn't there water in the well?
Is there water in that well?
Was that a dry well?
I mean, can bats talk?
I don't know if bats can talk.
I can answer it.
There's no water down in the well, no.
Oh, oh gosh.
Decorative.
Oh no, oh.
Oh, this is, I thought we were just gonna trap them.
But then you slowly hear like these vibrations
and pops and clicks, and then you hear like screams.
Ah, as they all turn into these red caps.
I fly down towards where Sully and Glim are
and change out of being a bat.
I say, okay, now what do we do, guys?
Have they all gone into the well?
They're still proceeding.
Like the ones that are under the pheromone spell,
they're like falling down,
but now it doesn't take long
before like they begin piling up on top of each other
and now they're pushing back the other way
with these red caps coming out.
Oh, we need like a lid or like a giant cork or something.
Is there anything in that bag you have over there?
Oh.
Hmm.
I was just really digging through this duffel bag
looking for, yeah, some sort of.
Some sort of, like mass napalm.
Some sort of large plug.
Large plug.
Yeah.
Big plug.
Yeah, a big plug with like a tapered base
so it would sit in and just really.
Maybe some ribs to really hold it in.
Oh, oh, the staff of probing.
Okay. Yes.
Yes, let's, okay.
Let's try that.
Who gave you the staff of probing, did he?
You can have.
He gave us this whole bag of stuff.
I mean.
Oh, how about the bed dragon butt plug?
He got that one in there too?
So I'm going to approach with the staff of probing
and see if I can kind of like knock the last few in
and then.
All right, yeah.
Use that to, use that to fill the hole.
Make a dexterity saving throw to avoid scythes.
Plus zero 16.
Just horny little guys with sharp things.
Yeah, they're swinging wildly all around you.
You catch the end of like one of them along,
along your shoulder, which gives you some damage.
Six slashing damage.
It's pretty hefty cut you get deep into your shoulder.
But yeah, you managed to stab the staff of probing down
into the top of this well.
And what does it do?
Well, once it fills the hole,
I have to like kind of jam it in a few times.
Yeah, just back and forth, back and forth.
Just like that.
So many times before.
You're doing great, Clib.
It's nine o'clock in the morning.
So I'm jabbing it in and out.
And then it sort of starts to seize up.
And then there's like a release.
And I don't know what happens because it's in the hole,
but clearly something like.
But we get that, we get that like Christopher Nolan
follow the bullets, you know,
camera view all the way down.
Christopher Nolan, I tell you.
All the gaps get filled.
And everything is like frozen in place
in this like sticky.
Four of us are just filled with sticky fluid.
Yeah.
Very viscous though.
Like there's no crawling out of here.
No, it's yeah.
Why you really filled that hole.
Glam, Jesus.
What are we gonna do with the rest of these little guys?
Kitten bag?
Into the bag.
I hold up the bag.
Running around scooping them up, shoveling them in.
Don't break them.
They turn into those really bad guys.
Yeah.
And you managed to get them all.
You still have this growing ball of kittens
that you haven't dealt with.
But it'll tire itself out, right?
That's future us, this problem.
You know what?
We can re-home kittens.
We can't re-home sex gnomes.
Exactly.
As the old saying goes.
That's the old adage.
Yeah, and actually that,
because I rolled so poorly,
that ball of kittens is like starting to calm down.
Like they're getting sleepy time now.
And they're just kind of rolling on top of each other.
There are thousands of them.
So there's a lot.
But yeah, no, they're tired.
Tired kittens.
So there's a lot of damage here
taking care of this here problem.
Yeah.
There was.
Yeah.
This is why you shouldn't fight.
Also.
Because look what happens.
Also, Grandpa Hotpants needs to like double check
on his gifts and stuff.
This was not an appropriate gift.
Whatever happened to like jewelry, flowers,
multiple orgasms.
Sure.
All good gifts.
I'll talk to him about that.
Give him a firm talking to.
And spanking.
Just in case you just missed the context there.
Oh no, we got it.
No, yeah, we got it.
No, yeah, we, okay.
I mean, you have that paddle in your hand
and you're slapping.
Yeah, I know.
Hillop's liking it.
Yes, very good.
Yeah.
No.
You can keep him for as long as you want.
Also, you could probably sell each of these kittens
and have enough money to fix your fence.
Yay, pay a landscaping company or something
to fix it right up for you.
Great, all right.
We'll sell the kittens.
Getting into the kitten game.
You got it.
And say it with me.
No more gnomes.
What about one gnome?
Nope.
Well, what are you gonna do with that bag of gnomes?
Probably talk to them, to me and Mom.
Yeah.
She'll know what to do with it.
Mom always knows what to do in these situations.
Yeah.
Gotta talk to Mom when you have a bag full of sex gnomes.
That's right.
You gotta be able to turn to her.
Well, are you gonna keep that bag of toys
or you want me to take that back
to Grandpa Hot Pants for you?
I think you can take it back to Grandpa Hot Pants.
Yeah, maybe one in here.
Oh, no, thank you.
That's all right.
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe just the, what's that whip in now?
We never end up using it, but it looked good.
I want it.
Just this sexy leather whip?
Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah, there you go.
I grab it and I go do, do, do, do, do, and I snap it.
Crack that whip.
Liquorish whip.
Glim surreptitiously picks up the wand of vibration.
I think Sully still has the beard comb.
I do, I do have the beard comb.
I just, I kept it in my back pocket.
I forget what all was in there,
but I'll grab something too.
Yep.
Yeah, we'll, as far as all the items,
a bag of kittens, I mean, the kittens are all gone.
We've got the bag.
Yeah, we've got a bag of sex gnomes.
Oh, we could unleash that on like Orcus.
Oh, no, turns the tide.
Yes.
Hey, can they take over the world
if they're too busy fucking?
Flannel Granny takes the bag
and heads over to Grandpa Hot Pants
where you see her enter into the cloud of smoke
and says, oh, we got some talking to do here,
Grandpa Hot Pants.
You've been a naughty boy.
You've been a naughty boy.
Oh, all right.
And the door shuts.
Back to the job posting board.
I assume there's more postings going on.
Is Mom Neckbreaker still there?
Postings, just postings on postings on postings.
And of course, Mom Neckbreaker's there.
That's where she basically just stays all Sundays,
just setting up all the postings.
There was a posting that said Timmy was in the well
and I just sort of sneak, just reach up
and I just grab that one and kind of crumple it up
and shove it in my pocket
because Timmy is not coming out of the well.
What?
Was it the same well?
Did you take the, did you get two for one?
What do you mean?
There was nothing there.
Yeah, hey, we've got this bag.
Great.
It's full of sex gnomes.
What?
Well, that was a problem between the two grannies
fighting, but the real problem.
Yeah, it was all about the sex gnomes.
It was about the sex gnomes.
Oh.
They kind of sprayed their, you know, stuff everywhere
and made everybody all horny.
I mean, that doesn't sound like a-
But forever.
Oh, forever.
Well, it's not good to be horny forever.
No, no.
Yeah.
Nothing gets done.
Now and then, you know, little spritz might be good.
So you want me to take that bag then?
Well, sure.
You are the authority in this town, Cityville.
That's what they've elected me as.
Okay, here you go.
Thank you.
Careful, they're feisty.
And you want to make sure you don't break any of them.
Yes.
Because see, and I show him my arm that's all cut up.
They'll get you.
Yeah, no, that doesn't look very good.
All right, don't break them.
So do we get-
Just spritz them.
Don't break them.
No, I wouldn't even open the bag.
Just put that away.
Yeah, if you could just dispose of the bag,
that'd probably be the best.
Yeah, we're-
Or if you have access to a portal.
If you have access to the sex plane.
Yeah, oh sure.
Or maybe the astral plane.
You know what, it's handing down from neck breaker
to neck breaker, the portal to the sex plane.
Welcome to City Townsville,
home of portal to the sex plane.
I mean, you'd think your tourism would be way up.
You'd think, maybe it's just in the branding.
Oh, sure.
We need someone to work on that.
Oh, oh yeah, because it was just the two buttcheeks
with the giant portal for an asshole, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a little, it's a little much.
Well, and you're kind of getting
into like butt's hole territory.
Like you want to differentiate
when you're doing your marketing.
You want to find- You want to stand out, yeah.
Yeah, so.
Cool.
I mean, maybe a cute, sexy, no mascot.
But well, you probably want your reward, don't you?
Oh, that'd be great.
Yeah, I think we've really earned-
What was the reward on that one again?
14 gold.
Very low number, but you know,
it seemed like the fun one to try.
Butt plugs.
And butt plugs. 14 karat gold butt plugs, yeah.
Well, it said it was a, so you get, you get 14 gold.
You get butt plugs.
You get a cute doggy gnome in leather with a leash
and a sex gnome in leather with a whip
having the dog on the leash.
One of those butt plugs is the bad dragon butt plug.
So you're going to want to just take good care of that.
And you get a free, a vouch-
Oh, I forgot about the free hour at grandpa hop pants.
Oh.
That comes with loot packets
and a discount coupon to Flanny Granny's diner.
Did you know she owned a diner?
Oh, I didn't know that, but you know what?
You did not.
Like, I'm hungry.
All that, really.
Here's your coupon and all of these other things
that have rewarded you with this.
Saving the town from sex times.
Oh, it doesn't really sound like we did a good job, but-
No, that's not really what we were doing.
Okay, well, you guys in for some waffles?
Yeah, I mean, I say we go to Flanny Granny's diner
and see what she's got on offer.
She serves the best dish in the area.
Well, that's what grandpa hop pants says, anyway.
Just ask for the sexy waffles, is that correct?
Yeah, you got it.
Got wieners and peaches on that one.
Perfect.
I'm assuming lots of whipped cream.
Uh-huh.
["Pomp and Circumstance"]
["Pomp and Circumstance"]
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season two, episode 95
is starring Amy More as Sully,
Carla Max dead as Glim, Tom Laird as Moot,
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Editing, production, and sound design is by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Kavin MacLeod
and Epidemic Sound, and sound effects
from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Cat Waterflame,
Stevie, Jacob Madden, Devin Michaels,
Christian Brown, Aaron Stevens,
Lulahan, and Charlie Warley.
Support Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions
and get access to an exclusive podcast
and bonus episodes, all while helping us
unlock the special Grant's Flamykins episode,
Escaping the Abyss, when we reach 100 patrons
at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
You can also follow us at Facebook.com slash dumbdragoncast
and on Instagram and Twitter at dumbdragoncast.
Thank you for listening.
Have a great week.
We'll talk again soon.
Is this, now is this our neighbor?
We have-
Do you have a sexy granny neighbor?
We have a nightiest of nighties, grandma neighbor
who shares a fence with us.
Oh, that's nice.
Feeling real personal connection to this one.
Phara-Gnomes by Dumb Dragons Pharmaceuticals.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.