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previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Okay, so you're looking for more of a general opposite? You're looking for like a god of something not good?
No.
Like a god of pain?
No.
Like a god of war?
No, I'm not. I think I'm just not looking for a god at all.
Do you find yourself constantly in search of the answers to see?
Looking deeper into unknown?
Like how I don't know how to use this staff?
That could be.
Ezgeth, wait, wait, wait. I think I saw something in there.
Saviors missing, realms tearing apart. Seek your start in Hardcastle.
He folds up the book, props it in his lap, and then moves it over to your lap.
I think this is better served with you.
Well, I guess I've got to talk to my friends first, but we'll probably head to Hardcastle now that we know where we need to go next.
So hopefully I'll see you again before I go, but if I don't, thanks. Thanks for everything.
Thank you. Be safe. As the book says, take care of yourself and your friends.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master, Russ More. He, him. Also with me today is Amy More.
Yeah, she, her, and I play Sullivan Sleight, a lightfoot halfling rogue. He, him.
And Tom Laird.
Yeah, he, him, and I play Moot. He is a wild magic half-orc sorcerer, and he also goes by he, him.
And joining us today, we have two very special guests from the podcast, The Broad Swords.
First up, B Zelda.
Can we cheer for ourselves? I'm cheering for myself.
Hello, my name is B, my pronouns are they, them, and I'm joining you today playing Zee, the half-orc pAlydin.
And Tracy Gibbons.
Hey, I'm Tracy, she, her, and today I'm going to be playing Zed, the half-orc barbarian.
I love it. I love it already. One name we were missing off the top here, Carla's not joining us tonight.
She's got some things going on. She's got Baja Maniacs.
She's doing some Zumba right now.
She's doing some Zumba. It's all good. But we have extra special guests to join us, and it's going to be a blast, is what it's going to be.
Where it's always a blast is over on Patreon. Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Where when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you like today's patron, ALexander.
ALexander. Thanks, ALexander. Thank you. Thanks, ALexander. Thanks, ALexander.
See? Thanks for joining in.
And now, fuck it, let's play. All that niceness and now we're just getting to it.
Thanks, thanks, thanks. Fuck it. Fuck it.
Game face. Go time.
Moot and Sully, you find yourselves in the back of your caravan with Rolf leading the way.
Son's Glim.
You left her back in Geranthamar for a brief period of time.
She said she'd catch up after she helped set up a new Baja Maniacs gym that they just couldn't live without.
This was okay, though, because she thought that you could get at least the start on this next part of your destiny.
We find the two of you chatting about what you might find in Hardcastle.
In Hardcastle. What a fun sounding location. Hopefully no shenanigans get to happen in there.
I bet most of the buildings are built very sturdily and with like stone and stuff. Definitely no tents.
Yeah, with a name like Hardcastle, you'd think that it's made of hard material.
Oh, for sure. And definitely a castle.
100% a castle. Why would it be in the name if it wasn't a castle?
Oh, did I show you? And Sully brings out his Staff of the Adder.
Oh, yeah. I thought you were maybe getting rid of that?
Well, you know what? I gave it to him, but instead I got him to do a little justification.
And now it's Sully sized.
Well, I mean, that's pretty cool. How did that even work?
I think he just chops him off the bottom, but he assured me it's still going to work.
Oh, okay. I mean, that sounds pretty cool. So what does it do, anyway?
Well, so what I decided, because I went and I saw some different people, because apparently
I got to like learn stuff about how to use it and stuff and be like trained and whatever.
Oh, yeah. That is a downside to having those magical items.
Yeah, but I was thinking like maybe it's time, right? Maybe I need like a big boom kind of thing.
So anyway, I went and I saw this warlock who was just super creepy.
And then I also saw this cleric and he was also creepy, but just slightly less creepy and slightly less kind of like dark.
So I decided to maybe to go with him and learn some stuff about how to use it.
This stick turns into a snake.
Whoa, really? Now, is it going to be a smaller snake because of the chopping part of it off?
Well, it's like the head of it. So I don't think that it will be smaller because the head is still the same size.
And the guy at Zed Mart said that nothing would change.
Well, I mean, that's awesome. And good choice not going with the super creepy guy. That's always a win.
Yeah, it just felt wrong. And I mean, I didn't even try to with the druid.
They were in the forest and you know how I feel about going into the forest alone.
So you seem to be very anti forest.
Well, you know, as a general rule, I like a forest.
The trees. But yeah, no, no, no, no, not all by myself.
Oh, and you gave me all these books to read and stuff.
You might be interested in some of this. You could help me study.
You could be my study buddy. Book club. Oh, for sure.
And when Glim gets here, I'm sure she's going to be so proud of me because I mean, clerics are like buddies with pAlydins.
I'm sure there's some sort of overlap. I don't know.
Let's read one of those books and see if we can figure it out.
We transition to the once bustling tent city of Hardcastle,
a place where merchants and caravans could be seen doing business and trading,
resting their animals before choosing their next path along the trade route between Torsh, Delzimmer or Gerard-Thamar.
Now it all sits pretty much empty before the large main city walls.
Flyers and election paraphernalia can be seen tossing about on the gentle breeze as we make our way through this not crowd.
We stop at two city guards standing watch at the entrance of this walled city of Hardcastle.
So Zed, we're having some good weather here, yeah?
You see Zed, they're picking between their teeth with the tip of their javelin.
Yeah, yeah. Good day. Good, exciting day.
Isn't that how the dentist told you you got gingivitis from cleaning your teeth with your javelin?
I thought that gingivitis was a good thing.
I'm still working that one out, you know?
Like it's got like, vitus! Doesn't that sound like, like vital, like exciting?
Gingivitis is exciting!
Okay, so we want gingivitis.
Yeah, yeah, so-
Can I borrow your, can I pick my teeth with that?
Um, I kind of want to keep my javelin. You can use this, though, and I pass one of my hand axes.
Oh, I don't have any, I don't need your axe. I have a couple extra axes for you, you know?
Oh, thanks, you know how much I love to keep my axes, you know, have to have at least four axes on you at a time.
Mm-hmm, I got two just in case you lose two, and then I also have two shields for myself.
Yeah, just in case you lose a shield, right?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, very important business.
We are so prepared for anything that happens to this city, really. Anything. We are the best guards.
Nothing gets by us.
In the city.
Mm-hmm.
A, Z, Z!
Uh-oh, is that a boss?
Uh, and I want to, like, my shirt is very untucked, and I'm going to kind of half tuck half of my shirt in, but it just actually kind of rumbles.
It makes it look worse, and I'm going to turn around to whoever is calling.
Coming around the corner with a swift and stern pace towards you is the Chief of the Guard, as you know him, Chief Benson,
and he's walking with determination up towards you, and he stops a couple feet from you and says,
Look, Z, I know we saw you up on the things. You're messing around here with things, picking your teeth.
We need to make sure that you're on guard and you don't let anything or anyone by, okay?
Captain, we are on top of it, Captain! Yes, Captain, and I want to salute the Captain, not sarcastically.
We need to be extra cautious. The Baron, he needs to know that nobody's going to sneak by, okay?
We're sorry. We'll do better.
Wait, what are you sorry for?
Uh, you're reprimanding us. We've got to be sorry about it.
I need to work on my tone. I was just telling you, we need to be extra cautious.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Okay.
Thanks for your time.
You're welcome. I'm going to go to the guard tower now. Don't let anyone, no one.
Yes, sir.
And he slowly backs away. Why are they sorry?
Off in the distance and coming over the hill, we see a carriage being pulled by a donkey with two passengers.
I can't believe she got roped in to stay in there for so long.
I mean, and they just kind of jumped her in that Zedmott parking lot, you know?
And it's just like, really, is now the appropriate time?
I mean, jumped is, it's a bit of a maybe overstatement.
Like she does get that appearance fee, so that's pretty good.
But then she turns around and just donates it to charity.
So like really, she's doing good things, but it just sometimes it takes up some of her time.
Yeah, it's just, you know, when you got a destiny, I say you just kind of, you know,
grab it and run with your destiny over your head, probably in a zigzag line.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
You carry the destiny over your head so you don't drop it.
Perfect. Got it.
Yeah, I'm just going to write that down real quick.
Well, and keep it away from others.
Like that time you didn't want me to have that juice and you just held it up over your head
and it was a real asshole move.
Well, that's because you're so short.
That's all that was.
Rolf, did you hear that?
Because donkeys are just short horses.
We've never had a donkey appearance.
I love it.
What's the donkey's name?
Rolf.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
As you crest over this hill and you see the city of Hardcastle, the large, tall walls,
there's guard towers spaced every so often, it looks like, it was described to you that
it had a major tent city, but there's a lot of torn down tents, but nothing really
happening out front there as you come down this hill and approach and you see two guards
up at the main gate where this pathway leads up before it splits off to the other two cities.
Hey, Mo, this doesn't look very intense.
And Sully like looks at him.
Mo doesn't get it.
It just goes right over his head.
Write it down.
This is gold.
In tents.
Got it.
Get it?
Because it's a tent city.
It's intense.
Okay.
You know what?
If Glim was here, she would have got it right away and would have been laughing.
She would have been laughing her head off.
This is the place we're supposed to go though, right?
Like the Hard Castle?
Considering it's filled with such soft types of abodes, I think it is improperly named.
Well, maybe we could we could ask these these two guards from the looks of it.
Hello, guards.
Huh?
What?
Pulls things out of my mouth that I was picking with.
Yeah.
I was half asleep.
Oh, sorry to rouse you from your afternoon nap.
Thanks.
I wasn't napping.
I was guarding.
I was napping.
What are you guarding?
The city.
Yeah, this here.
And they gesture behind them.
I look behind them and I'm like, you guys have gotten that?
I think so.
This needs to be protected.
Are we Z?
What is?
Oh, I think so.
Well, I'm just wondering because it just it looks a little I like I don't.
So do you live here?
Yeah.
Yeah.
When we're done work, we got like a little hovel that we go live in.
It's technically a tent.
But there's this really great tavern tent across the street.
So it's it's good real estate.
What's all about location?
As long as you don't mind some dirt in your beer.
Mm hmm.
Yeah.
All about location.
If you're really drunk, you just stumble across the street and you're in bed.
You fall right into your own home.
That sounds pretty perfect.
It's nice.
Sometimes Z falls asleep on top of the tent and I'm in the tent.
And then I wake up with like a pain in my neck.
But oh, no, it's not that bad.
Yeah, that only happens like twice a week.
It's not a big deal.
How many people?
Because I don't see many, many people live in here.
Like, where are the people?
And I'm like craning to see around them.
You see people walking through the city beyond the walls.
So there are there are people living like within the walled city.
But the tent city is quite empty.
Now I'm confused.
Is it tent city guards walled city?
Tent city.
He's got a diagram.
Walls.
Oh, I want to see the diagram.
Right.
Okay.
So tent cities out here pathways and stuff.
You're at the gate here.
And then this is the city inside.
There's a castle back here.
I don't know why we sleep in tents then.
Yeah, I know.
Maybe you sleep outside the city because real estate inside the city is just ridiculously priced.
Can't afford it, you know?
Yeah.
You know how it is.
Those city dwellers have it real good.
Well, I mean, gods too.
I mean, they don't they don't pay you all enough.
We tried to unionize once.
What happened, Zed?
We forgot to go to the union meetings.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We were the ones doing the unionizing.
So it just kind of fell to the waste side.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they pay us minimum wage.
You know, it's, you know, seven coffers an hour.
Enough for a tent and a beer.
Really?
Yeah.
Tent and beer.
Those are our necessities, you know?
Sometimes some water.
But like, I just go walk to a fountain.
Well, yeah, fair enough.
So we're supposed to like come in here or we maybe we're just going through.
Moot, are we coming in here?
Are we just going through here?
You know what?
When Glen was shouting it over top of all the people cheering, I just stopped listening.
Yeah, she's really tall, but sometimes not the best with the shouting.
But I think we're supposed to go in.
Are we meeting somebody in here?
Oh, that's a good question.
And Moot like flips through his notes.
Are we are we headed somewhere?
I think we're supposed to try to put a stop to some trouble.
The maybe the do you guys know if there's any trouble?
Oh, and what are your names?
So sorry.
I'm Sullivan Slate.
And I'm Moot.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
I'm Zed.
Well, which one am I again?
You're Zed.
I'm Zed.
Right.
I think we discussed the beginning being the other way around.
But you know what?
This is working for me.
I just forget my own name sometimes.
I look at your face.
It's like looking at my face.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is what happens when you're twins who share very similar names.
Oh, you're twins.
That's very exciting.
Couldn't you tell?
Well, absolutely.
You know, our tusks are very similar.
I've been told that we have our mother's eyes.
Yeah, I know that I'm a lot dirtier, but there's we're similar underneath the
layer of dirt.
Oh, yeah.
That's probably just hydrating, too.
It's just keeping it all in.
Yeah.
Mud masks.
They have very smooth skin, too.
Well, you know what?
I used to be a muddest.
So I used to go to what you've heard a nudist, right?
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
So I was a person who would like sell high end quality mud to nudists so
that they could mud themselves from head to toe.
It was quite a lucrative business.
But would they be the muddest and you would just be the seller of mud?
Do you put the mud on them?
Yeah, I did the occasional application.
I did.
I did.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
We should look into that kind of job.
That sounds like it pays better than this.
Yeah.
And also, like, if I get to hang out with mud, that's up my alley.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So anyways, you're asking about trouble.
I mean, I don't know about trouble.
We got a new mayor recently.
Oh, yeah.
They nice?
Baron Jacek.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's a pretty chill dude.
You know, he's like a shaken hands with babies kind of guy.
But I'm not sure he knows the difference between us yet.
He thinks that we're both said and I don't think he's ever seen us both in the same
place at once.
Yeah.
But sometimes that's how we do half shifts.
You know, it's like we pretend to be each other, but don't.
Really smart.
Really smart to do that.
Don't tell the Baron.
Yeah, please don't.
Hmm.
Secret safe with us.
Wait, hold on.
Are you doing those half shifts when you're both working together?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you just switch spots, though, but you still work your whole shift.
No, no, no.
It makes sense.
Oh, no.
Well, yeah.
In a time conservation kind of way.
I get it.
Yeah.
No.
Mm hmm.
Anyway, so no trouble from the mayor.
Is it like trouble in the streets?
You guys like, you know, maybe breaking up some brawls or some some some mafia
dudes, some underground unsavory business.
Maybe there's a fight club.
Is there a fight club here?
You don't talk about that.
We don't talk about that.
But sometimes at night I hear like, you know, for on guard duty, I hear like
screaming in the night.
But I don't know.
I thought that that could just be the fight club.
I mean, sorry, not the fight club, but not not the fight club.
OK.
Mm hmm.
Huh.
So screaming chill mayor named Baron Baron Jasek.
Yeah.
OK.
You think you'd be a Baron.
Well, you got to you got to work your way up to Baron.
You start with mayor and then you get up to Baron.
What if his first name is actually Baron?
Well, then my theory is right out the window.
Well, I thought his first name was Baron.
And so I thought I thought maybe the obvious job choice would be to be a
bar. You know what?
We're we're getting off track here.
OK. Well, maybe we should go talk to this Baron person and see if we
could help. It's just it's sounding like I'm talking about a lady who
can't have babies.
Can I talk to Mayor Baron?
Please.
See, why don't we I'm going to like turn and whisper to my twin side panel.
Hold on.
Do we let them in?
They seem pretty chill.
OK.
I I spent a lot of time working on my apology to our boss.
I don't want to let him down again.
Oh, shit.
I forgot about that.
You're right.
Yeah.
We're not supposed to let people in.
OK.
But you have to be the one to tell them no, then.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I got a God that I prayed to.
They tell me no all the time.
So I'm pretty good about hearing no.
So therefore, I think I'm good at saying no.
OK.
Yeah, you got this.
OK.
OK.
All right.
We turn around.
Hmm.
Hmm.
No.
I mean, I'm sorry.
No.
No, we cannot see Mayor Baron.
Oh, no.
I'm sure you could see the Baron.
I just can't let you in.
How am I?
How?
Suddenly looks at Moot.
Well, if if we if you can't let us in, how can we see the Mayor Baron?
A carrier pigeon?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Even though if you write a letter, I could deliver it.
I walk really slow because I wear a lot of chainmail and plate mail and all that
stuff.
But like, Zed's got pretty fast feet.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm really weighed down by all my axes, but I I'm a little bit faster
than Zed.
I was going to ask, what is with all the axes?
So many.
The multiple shields.
There's a lot going on here.
It's impressive.
I got to say.
Hard castle guards.
We got to be.
Hard.
Yeah, you look hard.
That wouldn't hurt to say.
Tracy, you keep it together.
I've had to say our motto in a long time, you know?
OK.
Oh, maybe.
OK.
I get it.
You you are just doing your jobs, right?
Totally.
And I commend you for that.
You're doing it.
Don't you think they're doing a fantastic job?
Doing a great job.
Oh, thanks.
I'm real impressed.
You know, it's been a while since we've heard that.
You know, people just don't appreciate guards like they used to.
Right.
So, OK, maybe maybe we did not explain the reason for us being here very well.
We actually have a destiny to save the world.
Whoa.
The world.
Like all of like all of it.
Like the whole thing.
Like Hardcastle and then the rest of it.
And then other places, too.
Wait, there's more than just this.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
I'm going to sit down for a second.
Z, we need another sidebar.
OK.
Z, listen, I know what Chief Benson said, but what if they are actually going to
save everybody and we say no, we could get even bigger trouble?
Oh, yeah, I'll have to prepare another apology.
Yeah, I don't want to have to apologize again.
What if we just what if we let them in?
What if we let them in and go with them?
That way, we can make sure they don't get up to any trouble.
Only if we leave Sandy the shield behind to kind of hold the guard space.
We can't just abandon our post, you know.
No, I'll leave Axel leaving the axe behind.
That's my third.
Sorry.
Did you say Axelina?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
I just want to make sure I heard you clearly.
It's a good name.
It's my third favorite axe, so I could do without it.
OK, OK, let's turn back around.
We've we've decided.
Yes.
We're going to come with you to see the Baron.
And I'm going to place my axe down where I stand.
I guess I'll put my shield down, except that it's very distinct that the shield has a smiley face that has been carved out with like a dagger.
They'll never know you're gone.
I didn't think so.
Wow.
We are good at this.
You guys, you all protected this place so well.
No one's going to come and try anything because they know you'll be here.
They know better than to show up and try this.
I know I'm not the GM, but will somebody give me a persuasion roll?
I want to know how much like how much does Z really, really believe?
I can roll persuasion.
Not well.
Yes, well, yes, well.
No, I rolled another three, Tom.
I mean, seven.
I mean, it's just what I roll.
I'll give it a go.
I'll try to channel my inner glim.
She's always the one who talks about this destiny.
So.
All right.
It's a 14 and I have a five bonus.
So 19.
Oh, there you go.
That's so much better.
See, I only half believe in the Destinies.
Wow.
No, I'm really I really want to help you with your destiny.
My God talks to me about destiny all the time.
How they say I've never actually fulfilled it.
So I think this would be really good.
Which which is is your God?
Never actually remember to take one.
So we're just going to keep talking about them as if they're a God.
Oh, oh, OK.
Yep.
It's it's God.
Your God is God.
It's lowercase G.
Yeah.
Perfect.
I love it.
Having Christian Bible school flashbacks.
So you got you.
Do you want to hop in the wagon?
Because Rolf can just roll us on in there.
You can give us directions.
Yeah, I'm so tired.
Well, it's hard work standing here.
It is.
It's hot outside.
Are you just saying that because we're sweating?
Oh, no, I'm just who is hot.
OK, because I'm always sweaty.
So.
Oh, well, that may be a glandular thing.
Oh, yeah.
You should maybe have someone look at that for you.
Whoa.
Z and Z climb in the back of the the carriage there.
You head off into the city and the path that you're immediately taken by is passing the guard tower.
With confidence.
As you pass by the open window, Z and Z, you catch sight of your chief,
Chief Benson, who's sitting at his desk, looks like he's writing notes and then looks up just as you like pass the wall and double takes.
But then the camera hangs on him and he shakes his head like that.
That couldn't be that.
That just no.
And he puts his head back down to write his notes.
They couldn't.
They couldn't have gotten in the back of somebody's carriage and let them in the city and given them direct.
No, not Z and Z.
You keep going through and you you lead Moot and Sully.
The city is there are some tents.
There aren't as many tents as one might believe, but some people live in tents.
There are lots of buildings at the people you pass.
Few of them like wave smile.
Others almost seem like they're like funneling out of your way.
Like they're not really paying attention, but like just they can sense that you're coming and they just veer out of the direction of the carriage.
And don't really say or acknowledge your presence.
That's weird because I'm aiming for the crowds.
Disappointing.
Well, you got like a real dichotomy of friendly folks and folks who just mind their own fucking business.
Yeah, it's pretty much everybody.
You'd be surprised at how many people said and I walk into on a regular basis.
Well, it looks like nobody's walking into us here.
So has this changed since the new mayor took over or was it always like this?
Oh, no, things were a lot less.
I walked into a lot less people before this mayor got in here.
And now that ever since the Baron, what's the Baron's name again?
JSEC.
JSEC.
Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, I feel like he's kind of inspired me to walk into more people or have them walk into me.
I'm still working this one out, you know.
As long as he's inspiring.
Yeah, but like I feel like people used to be happier, which is weird because the old mayor kind of sucked.
But now people are like kind of quieter.
I don't know.
You say quiet, but then there's also the wailing and screaming at night.
Yeah, it's quieter during the day and then louder with the screams at night.
It keeps you up.
That's why we got to drink so much.
Can we talk a little more about the screaming and wailing at night?
Is there a reason for it?
Is there ghosts?
What's happening here?
People screams or like animal screams.
I know when cats are doing it, you hear them like miles away.
They're so loud.
It's like we get it and don't rub it in.
Well, listen, when we're stuck on guard duty at night, there's not a lot to do.
And we've been trying to figure out where they are.
We just we can't take guesses.
Yeah, I thought Zed was really close with the guess of an elephant stepping on a mouse.
Yeah, yeah.
And said, what was my best guess?
I think your best guess was probably a man becoming a ghost.
Yeah, I hear that transformation stuff.
Yeah, yeah, but not we don't know for sure.
Maybe Mare Baron.
And now I'm not sure.
Is he a mare or a Baron?
Is his name Baron?
Lot to unpack.
Can I just call him Barry?
Because I think I might do that anyway.
I think you could call him Maren.
Oh, I like that.
I do like a good portmanteau.
You've made it up to the secondary guard gate to the castle.
And there is one guard standing there who you know as what do you know this guard as Zed and Z?
Honestly, they're probably just X.
Is it EX or just the letter X?
I wrote down EX.
Well, right.
I mean, if I were to take notes, that's how I would have spelled it.
And X hops out and stands in front of the carriage, slowing Rolf.
Zed, what's going on here?
X, hey.
Good weather we're having.
Yeah, hey.
Well, I mean, you're supposed to be on guard duty up at the front there, aren't you?
I mean, your shift's not over yet.
And why you bring it?
There was explicit instructions not to let anybody through.
You see Baron's mustache ruffle?
That really sounds scary.
But they said that they're here to save the world.
Why?
We can't stop them when they're going to save the world.
It's destiny.
Did they prove that they're going to?
Excuse me, folks.
What proof of world saving did you give to Zed and Z here to allow you into the walled gates of Hard Castle?
I mean, they were very convincing.
Yeah, I just, I looked into their eyes and I just knew.
Also, they didn't know there were other places.
There's a whole world out there.
Yeah, that was a pretty big one.
Yeah, that blew my mind.
Yeah, if you notice the license plate on the back of my carriage here.
Let me get out and check.
It says Neverwinter.
Whoa.
That's not just a made up place.
No, it's a real place.
No, I was totally in prison there once.
Wow.
You let fugitives in?
He's going around.
He's writing down the license plate number.
What does the license plate number say?
F-U.
Yes.
It's a vanity plate.
Yeah, you're damn right it is.
I've got your plates.
You let in criminals?
I said I was in prison.
I did not say I was a criminal.
What about a misunderstanding than a criminal thing?
Make a persuasion roll.
Damn it, again?
I'm going to roll a different dice.
Well, Moot's helping you.
Well, thank God.
Yeah, yeah, suck on that.
22.
Oh, that's much better than mine.
That's very exciting for me when I roll over a three.
Look, you got the plates.
You've convinced Zed and Zee.
I mean, nobody gets past Zed and Zee twice.
What's your business here then?
Well, we're not here to start any trouble.
But we heard there was already some trouble here.
So we're here to stop it.
Zed, Zee, have you seen any trouble?
Or heard.
Or maybe heard.
Like today?
No, like the screaming at night.
Well, I'm not really sure that's trouble.
That's just, you know, the night screams.
Yeah.
The Heart Castle, famous for the night screams.
You're never going to wink asleep.
You know, some people have the night sweats.
They're night terrors.
But these are just night screams.
OK, OK, I'm just going to lay a little something down,
is that we've been in so many different cities.
And night screams are not a normal thing.
Oh.
They do sound panicked.
Oh, they sound terrified.
Yeah.
You know, like a man changing into a ghost.
Oh.
Like an elephant stepping on a mouse.
Oh, I didn't think of it either of those ways before.
Now that you say it, the tone is correct.
Yeah, it's not at all like a woo-hoo kind of scream, is it?
X, what did you think it was?
Well, I thought it was just, you know,
the Smiths doing the business.
Taxes can be very difficult and frustrating.
They, I, they're screamers is what they are.
And you mean, I live right next door to them
and the walls shake sometimes.
So you know specifically who's screaming?
I don't know.
It's different screaming.
It's been evolving.
I thought they was just trying something new.
There's only so many taxes they can do.
Well, I mean, there's, there's the T4
and then there's the TA29.
Line 2206.
Don't forget about that one.
Yeah, yeah.
And line 206 is super important too.
Wait, are you accountants too?
I know how to count.
Good.
So is, is Mayor Barron home?
Uh, the mayor.
I still am not sure about his first name.
Oh, oh yeah.
Well, it's, it is their title is Barron.
I thought it was mayor.
Well, they replaced the former mayor,
but then have been trying to reinstitute Barron
as the new title.
And that's where Marron came about.
I think it really melds the two together.
It's a brand new title.
These travelers know what's up.
That poor manteau is 10 out of 10.
Jeez.
Okay.
So Barron Jasek.
Zenzi have been spread.
It's been hard to convince them that mayor is not their title
and that Barron is not their first name.
When somebody replaces a mayor,
they just naturally become a mayor.
Sometimes when people take office,
they try and change all the rules.
Yeah.
I don't know.
That means it doesn't sound familiar.
I've never encountered this.
No, no.
Anyways, Barron Jasek.
Yeah.
I mean, I think they're here.
They haven't seen them.
I haven't seen them leave.
This is the only way out.
So I assume.
Oh, one more really important question.
Uh, may seem a little silly.
Um, uh, Barron Jasek.
He's not a bear.
Right?
No.
Okay.
Just, you know, I just want to know what I'm walking into.
Well, we could have told you he wasn't a bear.
I saw a person turn into a bear once.
Whoa.
What?
Yeah.
I was walking through the woods
and then there was this person there
and then I turned back and then there was a bear.
And I thought, well, maybe it was a bear all along.
There's some strange things in the woods.
Okay. Great story.
X is a great storyteller.
So we're just going to go through
and meet not a bear, Barron, not a mare.
Jasek?
Yeah, Barron Jasek.
He could probably shorten that up a little bit.
Right?
Zed and Zee, you're going to go with them,
make sure they get to the right place?
Yep.
Oh, yeah.
We're on it.
We're going to make sure no trouble happens.
We're doing our guardly duties.
Did Chief take your post?
Like, who's watching the front gates?
Sandy and, uh...
Yep.
We got it.
Listen, we really should get going.
We don't want to make Barron wait.
Sandy?
Yeah!
Steps aside as Rolf casually moves off.
Yeah, he doesn't go very fast.
He does not respond well to the hias.
I think he rolled his eyes at me.
You pull up to the front entrance of the castle,
that hard castle.
It's not a huge castle.
It's more like a large house
that's been kind of designed in the vein of a castle.
Well, welcome.
Welcome.
So, whereabouts in the castle are we going?
Yeah, you ever been in here?
Oh, yeah.
I think I was getting in trouble one time
and I had to go visit the mayor, Barron.
Yeah, I was trying to find the pub one time.
The old mayor or the new mayor that isn't a mayor?
Both.
Yeah.
It's the middle.
Got kind of sad.
Yeah, a little pensive or something at the end there.
You okay, buddy?
We're here to say...
Papa?
We'd like you to listen to the broadswords today.
That was very nice.
That was beautiful.
It was a little sad of tone.
It's like in a minor key or something.
Yeah, this is going with the diminished on that one,
which, you know, sometimes just evokes that feel
even though you say happy words.
I'm now trying to think of the tune of that song
because it's something.
Yeah, it started off like something
and then I couldn't find what that something was,
so I just kept going with it.
Just made something new.
Perfect.
That's how all the greats do it, Russ.
That's right.
They start with a Tom Petty.
They start with something familiar.
And then change it a little bit.
Just whatever kind of flows out
talking about the broadswords.
That's right.
Hey, B and Tracy are here
and they're not melancholy.
They're delightful.
So much fun.
Oh, so much fun.
Well, not all of us.
Sorry, Carla.
But most of us had a chance to play with them.
I'll get the fun of listening like everyone else.
Like a listener.
Exactly.
Perfect.
We've revealed very little
because very little happened,
but so much happened at the same time.
I feel like, Carla, when you just said that,
it was kind of like,
I'll slum it with everyone else out there.
Right?
Oh, I didn't mean it like that.
Just like having to listen.
I didn't mean it like that.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
I mean, it's more fun to get it as like,
I mean, to be honest,
I like listening to podcasts more.
No, that's not.
That's not what I mean.
Tell us what you really mean.
It's more exciting when you hear something
for the first time as to not having participated in it.
Yeah.
Especially when you know all the participants
and you're like,
I wonder what these knuckleheads are going to get up to.
We got up to stuff.
We got up to stuff, Carla.
I can only imagine because I know you three.
What?
And I know those two.
So.
So it was completely straight laced
and everything was on the rails.
You got it?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Definitely.
No shenanigans.
What we're trying to say is,
Bea and Tracy are amazing.
The entire group of the broadswords are amazing.
Victoria and Kristin as well.
So go listen to them.
We'll link all their stuff down in the description,
but you can just find them by searching for the broadswords
and you should start from the beginning
and go to the end
and enjoy them and tell them we sent you.
Perfect.
Okay?
Yeah, do that.
Yeah.
So we'll get back and see what's what in Hardcastle.
That's where we are, right?
Yep.
That's the one.
All right.
We're going.
Onward.
Bye.
Yeah, no.
One time I was trying to find the tavern
and accidentally end up in here.
So.
This would be a pretty fancy tavern.
That's what I thought, too.
You didn't barf anywhere, did you?
I hear people don't like it when you barf in the house.
Soda's very, very polite about that
and they will only barf in shoes.
Or gardens.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
We have class.
Anyways, let us walk you into Hardcastle Castle.
Okay.
You head up the steps and into the door
and it opens with a loud creak.
And inside there are a couple hallways in Z and Z,
assuming that they know where they're going.
It leads you down the right hallway,
which takes you down past a few sets of doors,
all of which are closed,
to a small waiting room
where there is a desk with an older woman,
very tight curls.
She looks up and says,
Z, there's no appointments today.
Oh, you know we don't know how to make appointments.
Well, how about you two?
Did you make an appointment?
Well, perhaps we could have one for right now.
I seem to have misplaced it if you did.
Oh, you know what?
That's okay.
You called ahead a couple days ago
and made an appointment, I'm sure of it.
You called ahead, hey?
Oh, yes.
Oh, well, I must not have checked my messages.
Well, you know, a lot of voicemails
these days go un-listened to, so.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well, just remind me your name?
Z?
Moot, and that there is Sully,
and we're here about the trouble.
And I'm Zed and that's Z.
I know you Zed and Z.
Oh, we were doing a roll call.
We wanted to fit in.
I changed your diapers, remember?
I was too small to remember.
You just keep telling me that, you know?
Fair, fair.
So tall boy and short boy.
What was your business, Sully?
Changing diapers?
No, we're here about the trouble.
The trouble.
It starts with T.
Yeah, trouble.
Is that a person?
No, it's a problem you have with your town.
Oh, is there a problem with the town?
Oh, yes, so is we here.
Snake oil salesman.
All right, well, have a seat,
and when the Baron is free from their appointments,
I'll let you, I'll send you in.
I thought you said there were no appointments today.
That she did move. Good listening.
See, I've just checked my book
and there is an appointment right now.
That's our appointment.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, that's the one you just wrote down.
What is your name?
Maggie.
Maggie.
Can I call you Mags?
Only if you're nasty.
You changed our diapers, come on now.
Okay, all right.
Well, I do happen to be kind of nasty.
All right.
So, Mag.
Maggie.
Magdalen baby.
Perhaps you could let us see the Baron
and we can make sure that you enjoy
the rest of your life here in safety
and without night screaming.
Is that a threat?
No, I'm hitting on you.
A threat towards the night scream, yes.
Okay, all right, sugar.
You have a seat.
I'm so uncomfortable.
Good.
Reston, I should never flirt.
We don't do it in real life.
We're not good at it now.
Have a seat and I'll tell the Baron
that you're here for the trouble.
No.
Okay, to solve the trouble.
Yes, to solve the trouble.
No, we're not here for trouble.
To take care of the trouble.
Okay.
She stands up.
We walk back and I'm like, I think we nailed it.
I turn to Zed and I say, you know her.
Did that go well for us?
Oh yeah, Maggie didn't try to throw papers or pens at you.
You see this scar?
She once tried to stab my eye out.
Whoa, she's got some face to her.
Yeah, does a really good job at receptioning though.
Well yeah, she does not want to let us in
and that's what you want in a good receptionist, right?
You just want to field these bullshit calls.
But we really are here to help.
We know.
Hear that Maggie?
I believe you.
We believe you.
Fully.
She comes back out and closes the door
and says, the Baron will see you in just a minute.
He's just on...
A call.
A call.
This rundown town's got like the first phones in Faerun.
They've got a real strong broadband connection.
It's amazing.
We don't know how it works.
Magic.
You wait for a moment and then she says,
Well, that's probably good.
And she goes and opens the door for you.
And inside...
Is she putting pants on?
Anytime I call for someone,
just wait a sec, give me a minute.
I'm putting on pants.
It's fair.
The door opens into a...
Compared to the rooms and general feel you've got
from the town thus far,
it is a very dark room.
All the curtains are drawn
and there's a yellow-orange...
Like burning a yellow-orange light from the sconces
along the walls.
There's a deep brown mahogany wooden desk
at the end of this long room.
And there are four chairs
sat in front of the desk.
And behind the desk you see a half-elf man.
He's wearing dark robes like browns
and golds and purples.
He's got long, slicked-back, golden blonde hair.
And he sees you come in
and he ushers you forward and says,
Friends, please come in.
Have a seat.
Zed Z?
Yes, excellent that you've escorted
these wonderful folks our way.
Please come have a seat as well.
Might I compliment your mustache today?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you. I've been trying to grow it in.
Yes, it's a little patchy,
but it's getting there, is it not?
There's like the remnants of one,
and I see the work that you're putting in there.
It's the architecture that you have to build up.
Build up, and then it builds upon.
You've been researching your mustaches.
Really, the work that you put into it,
it really shows.
Oh, yes, of course, thank you, thank you.
Yes, well, business has been slower lately,
so we have to fill our days with something,
am I right?
We work all the time.
Of course, of course,
keeping us all safe and protected.
No trouble happening here with Zed and Zee at the gate.
Never any trouble.
We're on duty right now.
Yep, watching the gate.
Right now?
Mm-hmm.
You two are...
You got somebody to watch it for you, right?
Oh, yeah.
Sandi and Axelina?
Yep, Sandi and Axelina.
Oh, of course, of course.
Yeah, Sandi, Axelina, yeah.
I know them.
Now, friends, what has brought you here to this fine city?
Please, Mags tells me that trouble?
There might be trouble.
You're bringing trouble?
No, no, no.
See, we're not bringing any trouble with us.
We were told the trouble's already here,
so we've come to put a stop to it.
Oh.
You know we have a destiny to save the world.
Ah, I did not know.
But that's very good for you.
Now you do, friend.
Yes, I'm going to write that down.
Destiny to save the world.
Can I have perception?
What does he actually write?
I will roll this.
Yeah, roll it.
My perception, is it good?
No, it's not.
Six?
He's scrolling something quickly and then kind of covers it up.
The first word you pick up, though, is wax, question mark?
Okay, okay.
So destiny to save the world.
You've made it past my two best guards,
and you're here to stop the trouble.
Well, I mean, I look around.
I see no trouble.
We just had a wonderful election where we had the highest turnout ever.
Who was the unfortunate opponent to go up against you?
Well, it was the mayoral incumbent, Frego Cordwell.
He's been here for 40 years.
It's time for him to go.
Oh, absolutely.
I believe a change of power frequently is oftentimes a good thing.
Get some new ideas in here.
Get some new mustaches.
You're speaking my language.
Well, from one nasty boy to another, you know.
Sorry, I don't believe your name are Tall Boy and Short Boy.
What are your real names?
I'm Sullivan Sleight.
Of course.
And I'm Moot.
Tall Boy over there.
Okay, Tall Boy, Moot, Short Boy, Sullivan Sleight.
I'm Zed, and that's Z.
Yes, Zed.
Yes, Z.
You're doing a great job.
We really appreciate you around here,
working so hard to get anybody in here.
Oh, you're welcome.
Well, you know what?
Zed and Z were telling us that things do work real good here for the most part,
but then they mentioned some night screams.
Terrifying.
Some wailing in the evenings.
It's probably the night hunters.
Now, what are those?
Well, it's the best time to hunt some nocturnal animals is at night.
So we send out our hunters to go hunt them.
So that's probably the screams that you're hearing.
Well, it sounded like they mentioned the screams were coming from inside the town.
I mean, the Smiths sometimes, when they're doing taxes,
they can get kind of loud, but it's been going on for a long time too.
Tax season is over.
I'll have to talk to them about that.
Inside the city, you say?
Well, I mean, sound bounces all over the place.
Could have echoed off and come down to the guard tower.
Well, I have a question.
What animals make those kinds of screams?
Have you heard the night screaming owls?
I have, and I also know they happen to be an endangered species
that you're not supposed to be hunting.
That's why we don't hunt them, but we protect those ones.
How about the elusive nocturnal Bisley grair?
Sounds big.
Bisley grair?
You sir, I believe, are making up a fake animal.
What can I roll to call him out on his bullshit?
Roll insight.
I will call out bullshit roll.
I would like to roll call bullshit.
It's only a 10.
No, it's an 11.
No, it's a 12.
Let's see if I can add.
Just keep going up by one.
No, it's 27.
Okay.
Well, in comparison, he rolled deception at Nat 20.
I can try and roll an insight.
I don't think I can compare.
Tell me more about this Bisley grair.
Well, the Bisley grair, you roll if you want.
Anybody?
I just want to hear all about it.
I'm not going to beat a Nat 20.
They're from around these parts, and they scream.
So that's probably what you hear.
Size and shape.
What kind of characteristics are we looking at for this Bisley grair?
Shortish, tallish, brownish, blondish, sometimes gray, long, short teeth, claws that go on for days.
Let me tell you.
Hmm.
Hey, Mayor Barron.
I know I'm at work, and I'm only supposed to ask work questions.
Of course.
But I've really been wondering, why have you never told the town that it was just
hunting of those owls and or protecting and or killing the Bisley grears?
Well, it's it.
Look, running a city is very difficult business, as you know, Sadancy.
How can I, how can I put it?
I was protecting the sensibilities of the constituents.
A simple explanation is often overlooked, pushed past.
They read between the lines, but you four, you seem like you're on the ground floor.
Maybe, maybe what we could do is get you on the streets and make sure that they know
that this is what is happening.
So you want us to go out and tell everybody that it's the Bisley grears making the screaming?
Well, your words, not mine.
No, I don't want to do that.
But if it would be OK with you, if we could maybe just hang out at night and do a little sleuthing ourselves.
Sure.
Yeah.
I feel like as guards, we're obligated to assist you on this quest.
Oh, we would be honored to have you by our sides.
You know, the city.
That's going to be immensely helpful.
Yeah.
And offering the services outside of work hours probably means some overtime pay or something.
Right, Baron?
Right, Baron.
Mm hmm.
Overtime pay.
Just to ensure the safety for one evening.
For one evening.
What are you going to find in one evening that I haven't already told you is exactly what I would say.
So, yes.
Yes, this is something that I will approve as new Baron tonight, escorted by Zed and Zee, who earn overtime,
which seems fair.
Sullivan's light and moot.
I feel like you need more syllables.
Sullivan's light.
Well, there's like four names, but just moot's fine.
I think one syllable is really where it's at.
Yep.
No, I was clapping it out.
It just felt right.
OK, we'll set you up.
You can just rest until the evening.
There's only a few hours.
We'll get you some food.
It'll be great.
And then at night, you can come out and check things out.
Seem fair?
That sounds reasonable.
Sounds totally great.
It's something I would say.
All right.
Well, Zed and Zee, you go get them.
You take them.
Go get some food down at the tavern.
Tell them it's on the Baron.
The Baron's got the bill tonight.
Are you sure about that?
We can eat a lot of food.
Will they believe us?
Just, Justin, reasonable amounts.
For who or what?
I'll cover it.
It's fine.
Thanks, Mayor.
Baron.
Thanks, Mayor Baron.
I really appreciate the work you do here.
That mustache.
Ten out of ten, my dude.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, thank you.
You know what?
I took a note here.
I'm going to go try some.
See if I can't make it more voluminous.
Right?
Try back home in it.
Oh, I'm going to try that.
I'm going to report back tomorrow when you report back with all the nothing you've seen.
Well, that sounds really good.
Yeah.
OK, good.
Captain.
Baron.
Captain Baron.
Mayor.
Captain Baron.
Mayor.
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A huge thank you to our supporting producers.
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Have a great week and we'll talk soon.
Have a great week and we'll talk soon.
you want to do one episode or two because now's the point when I kill off your character
if uh I don't know I'm pretty I'm feeling pretty invested right now okay that's cool
the ballad of zen continues yeah and I've had like a little too much caffeine today
so there you go all right just ride it let it ride I will scratch off the note
try and kill Tracy off before before the end of the episode also now that's
gonna live I would like to add now I would like to say is something I would say after
I say it yeah because you just left it there yeah you're like blah blah blah is
something I would say you just said it just something I'm gonna add to my
add to your vernacular yeah Dumbgeons & Dragons is a dumb dragons production