Ad breaks are marked in the transcript below. The audio player uses the ad-supported feed.
previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Right? Like, that didn't exist anymore. The decimators came and they...
Yeah, for sure.
I'm just gonna cover myself with a blanket in the back of this wagon. Just for no reason.
Have a good nap.
You hear a door and, like, boot it open.
Ay, Bente! We gotta get down to the ship there.
Yeah, Barty, I'm coming. Come on, hold your horses. They'll wait for us.
Guys, can Rolf go any faster?
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast that you can find on your iPod.
I'm your dungeon master, Russ More, and with me today is Tom Laird.
That's me. I play Moot.
And Amy More.
That's me. I play Sullivan Sleight.
And Karla Maxted.
That's me. I play Glim.
And you can find us on your iPod as well as everywhere you download podcasts because you've already found us.
But that's how you can sell us to your friends. We're available on an iPod.
And to Tom's mom.
That is a weird thing to say.
Well, the context is...
With a little context.
She was inquiring about the podcast and she called it an iPod.
It was very sweet.
How's your iPod going, Tom?
But when Russ needs to come up with something to ask everybody, he's just going to use that good, good mom talk-gallity.
Good wholesome mom humor.
Yep, that's right.
Where we have things that are less wholesome is over on Patreon. Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Now, depending on the character, it could be...
Just a den of filth over there.
Super wholesome. Like Opalite Brightcliff, super wholesome.
Super wholesome. Where it wants to hire a child army. Super wholesome.
Right? I didn't end up hiring it.
But you wanted to.
Spoilers. Spoilers!
Don't you say spoilers.
I didn't. I bleeped out everything that I said.
And you guys are just giving me the spoilers now.
But Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast. When you're a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, John Evanitzky.
Thanks, John.
Thank you.
I think our patrons have the best names, hey?
Yeah, it's always so much fun. Evanitzky.
I like that.
Good.
That's going to be one of those words.
Karla and I are so weird like this that sometimes we'll get a word stuck in our heads.
Always.
That will just exist in there for no reason.
It might be one of them.
Evanitzky. That's what I'm going to be saying to myself later.
I know it's not a word, it's a name, but it's just like pleasant.
Yeah, agreed.
It's just delightful.
It is.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Go check it out.
We would love to have you over there.
And now, fuck it, let's play D&D.
You're in the streets of Saraloon.
Just arrived and are overlooking the harbor.
When Sully did some increasingly weird things and hid himself under a blanket,
which, you know, could be construed as odd.
Two gentlemen walk past you, moot and glim.
Rough talking individuals.
One of them kind of bumps into the cart and looks at you and says,
hey, move your cart here.
There's not supposed to be carts right in my way here.
Well, I mean, we are in the road and so are you, so.
Exactly. So is I.
OK, well, we're we're heading on our way.
You start moving, Rolf, and they start walking beside you.
So why we go in the same way or what?
Well, it looks that way.
We wouldn't really be facing in this direction in our carriage with our with our donkey.
If we weren't going this way, wouldn't make sense, would it?
Hey, it's a fine looking donkey there.
Hey, you give you give out donkey rides?
No, Rolf doesn't like anyone riding on him.
Ah, see, Barney, nobody says no to us, do they?
No, no, they don't. My friend here, he wants to ride your donkey.
Well, the donkey's tied up to the cart right now and he's pulling us, so he's busy.
I'm not sure what else to say.
A donkey can't be both ridden and pulling a carriage at the same time,
and he's clearly pulling a carriage.
So I think you maybe look, there's another donkey just over there.
You could probably go ride that one.
No, I like this one.
And he pulls out his dagger and he moves towards the reins.
I'm so uncomfortable right now, just as Amy.
I just want to say that this interaction has like my palms are sweating.
He's got them in his hand.
No, sir, please don't do that.
What are you going to do?
I would really prefer if you didn't do that.
You're going to need to step away from Rolf.
Wouldn't you prefer if I didn't do this and he lifts the reins and puts the dagger to the reins?
I'm going to try and intimidate him.
You're a dragonborn.
Now I'm going to breathe some fire at him.
If I can't be stopped taking my donkey, beat it, loser.
Sonny's in the back like, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
OK, so you're breathing fire on him.
OK, I think you got to do I roll or Dexterity?
I think I roll Dexterity.
How does fire work?
Dex.
They're both going to be in line.
We'll say Barty's got a 21, Benty's got a nine.
OK, so one saves and one fails.
And so half on the sixes.
Oh damn.
Only because I rolled two D6s and I rolled two sixes.
Twelve damage on the one and six damage on the other.
The gentleman you've come to know as Benty who's holding the reins with his dagger takes the full brunt of your fire breath.
His clothes alight.
And as the flame dies down, you see like blistering all over his skin.
Barty takes some off to the side, but manages to kind of roll out of the way and says, excuse you.
You're burning my friend here for just trying to take a little donkey ride.
And he pulls out a blade.
Roll for initiative.
Can I also roll?
I'm going to.
No, you roll.
Fifteen.
Twenty.
Fifteen.
You may go first.
I figured you were probably going to be remaining in your blanket until the last possible moment.
Maybe I'm having some, you know, like, do you confront your your childhood captors and abusers?
Or do you stay silent and scared?
It's what's happening within Sully and also Amy at this moment right now.
The whole thing like, OK, I just need to say that unreasonable requests from people who feel like they are reasonable
requests to people who obviously know that the requests are unreasonable.
Like for some reason creates an anxiety within me.
Like, like, what do you mean you want to ride my donkey?
Agreed. The donkey is hitched to a cart.
No, it's so alarming. It's alarming.
It's it makes my hand sweaty.
OK, top of initiative.
Glim, you are up first.
So I am going to I'm going to pull out my war pick.
OK.
And I am going to try to hit him with it.
I feel like I don't even know how to.
Very rarely have been fighting.
Oh, well, I rolled a 20.
Oh, yes, you did.
Who are you attacking?
Please destroy my childhood captors.
The one that's less burned that was given me some lip, I believe, was really given me some attitude.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Barty.
Fuck that guy.
So I am going to hit him with my war pick and I am also going to use my divine smite.
So when I hit, I can use a spell slot to get 2d8 radiant damage.
The war pick damage will be 18 and then the radiant is going to be eight more.
Oh, God.
OK, so describe this to me.
You.
OK, so Benty comes over.
He threatens to cut, has not yet cut, but threatens to cut.
You're making your sound straight up unreasonable.
Is about to cut the reins.
You fire.
After being warned multiple times not to.
Not to.
After being multiple times warned not to.
Sure, they were pushing the boundaries.
Absolutely.
And we're probably going to follow through.
You fire breath him full on in the face to the point where he has third degree burns.
And then, as his friend approaches, you immediately leap up and deal 26 various types of damage to this gentleman.
OK, got it.
Just to be clear, I know Glim's a real goody goody.
But she stands for good.
But she stands for good and she is neutral good.
Like if this follows her code, this is fine.
I get it.
She feels no guilt about this.
He was clearly being totally unreasonable.
And if people are reasonable with Glim, she's going to be reasonable with them.
But if not, she's going to fucking kill you with her war pick.
In like one hit.
I also maybe Glim doesn't know her own strength yet so much.
She has only done a lot of practicing, not a lot of actual fighting.
Oh, that just killed me.
So dude's not dead, but he does take a huge hit.
He's knocked prone.
He's bleeding quite profusely.
As you pull your war pick back up, you hear heavy footsteps coming from down either side of the street.
Armored footsteps.
Moot, your turn.
Unless there's anything else you want to do.
No, I think I've done enough.
Okay, Moot.
Oh, jeez.
So that's what you have before you.
I peek out from and see like people like armored guards running essentially towards us.
Not running, but they're like with purpose walking towards you at this point.
Clomping in that instance.
Guys, maybe we want to get going.
I think that's a really good idea.
Maybe we made our point.
Also, Glim, I love you.
Oh, I love you too.
I'll tell you why later, but we should probably just get out of here.
Okay, yeah, no, I didn't.
I mean, okay, yeah, I agree.
Let's just try and go.
They're both down on the ground.
Let's hightail it out of here.
Let's get out of here.
Okay, Rolf, come on, buddy.
Maybe pick it up a little bit.
I was like, I would have kicked him off anyway.
A couple passerby's see you leaving the scene.
It was a smite and run.
And rush over to the two men who are knocked down prone.
One like crying out in burn pain.
The other one seemingly unconscious.
You can't quite tell.
And begin yelling after you as two guards roll around the corner.
You can still do anything you want.
I'm going to say that we're still in technical combat order here.
Maybe make...
I don't even know.
What do you want to do, man?
What do you want to do?
I mean, I feel like we're just...
I don't have any like illusion magic or anything to like throw them off the trail.
Maybe I'll try creating a bonfire right behind us so that like no one can follow us.
Okay.
Is there an open space to do that?
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm assuming everyone's going to jump out of the way if you do so.
Perfect.
You know, there's a space.
All right.
I will try and create a five foot cube of fire.
Our retreating carriage is going to leave a space in our wake, right?
Yeah.
Like back to the future with the tire treads that are on fire.
Yeah.
We don't want to hurt any innocents.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Fuck these other guys.
Is there even any?
Is there even any in this town?
Okay.
So yeah, the bonfire erupts like under the tail of your carriage.
It takes up the better part of the middle of this, leaving it sketchy to get past on either side.
A few people kind of jump back.
Some who were like calling you out and then this erupts in front of them and they take a step back.
You see the guards coming up to the scene.
One of them looks down.
One of them is walking towards you still.
Make a wild magic roll, please.
Four or lower.
Fifteen.
Five or lower next time.
Yep.
He's going to get you.
Oh, it's going to happen.
As this builds up in moot, you and I had kind of talked about, you know, creating some sort of physicality to this.
How does moot look the more this wild magic is building in him?
Ooh, good question.
Maybe just like his hair becomes a little more unkempt than it was previously.
No, it gets like a little bit crazier.
Like, okay.
Is it growing?
Maybe a little bit, not like noticeable amount, but a little bit every time.
But like grass amount?
Yeah, grass amount.
Okay.
But he'll be Doc Brown by the end.
It's all back to the future of this episode.
Got it.
Okay.
Yeah, cool.
Your hair gets more unkempt.
Well, I can see that he gets like kind of like raggedy and wilder.
Kind of wild looking.
I imagine moot to be part down the side of his hair, combed over, but like very straight lace.
Put together.
And I think maybe he just gets like sloppier and messier and like kind of like wild.
Yeah, I think maybe like the higher it gets, depending on where you're, you know, switching wild magic fire, wind, ice, whatever it might be.
Like maybe that, as we get higher than a five, like maybe around the 10 mark, maybe there's some sort of like elemental physicality that comes to this.
Oh, sure.
You've got frosted tips.
Exactly.
It's unkempt and frosted, bitches.
Bam!
But yeah, maybe like if we get to that point or when we get to that point, right?
Like, you know, bringing some sort of that elemental wild magic to it as well.
Sure.
It's got to be really cool.
Okay, Sully.
Has anyone walked out in front of our?
No.
Okay.
There are people who, as you're kind of, as quickly as Rolf will go, going through the streets, kind of dodging out of the way,
looking at the big fire behind, not really knowing what's going on, looking to you, but more focused on the the burst of flames that is just shot up in the street.
I am still hidden under the blanket, but I'm going to ready an action with my short bow under there.
And as soon as we are stopped by guards, I want to just peek out of my blanket and let loose an arrow.
I mean, Sully does things.
Sully's freaked out.
That's been established.
You know what?
Glim's got to attack something.
Moot just set a big fire in the street.
You're worried about me shooting an arrow at a guard.
All right, let's fucking do this.
All right.
You continue down the street.
I'm unreasonable.
You're looking at the front or the back, Sully?
I think I'm looking at the back.
And I think that we are probably moving at a fairly good clip that the cart itself is like bumping along the road.
So me like shifting under a blanket isn't going to hopefully be noticeable at all.
If we're saying that it's bumping the physical contents of the cart, it's also going to impose disadvantage on whatever shot.
OK, never mind.
It's not bumping.
It's super smooth sailing.
I'm actually going to say I don't think we're going to like once we get like a little ways away,
then I don't think we're going to be trying to rush like we're going to try and look normal.
So we're not like speeding through the streets because then everyone we pass is going to be like, yeah, I saw that carriage.
It was fucking crazy.
Yeah.
We're just going to wait for something.
The arrows.
Yeah.
OK.
So yeah, you're making your way down.
I think I'm looking out the front with.
OK, cool.
I'm just staring at them and stuff.
As you kind of get down to the end of this one lane that you're on, you hear like a jumping leap and land.
And as moot and glim as you kind of look over your shoulder,
one of these helmed guards has leaped through the flames in the street and has landed down and is now beginning to run towards you.
I think we're going to enter a chase in this moment because I don't.
Chasing.
I don't feel like direct combat is what you guys want to do in this moment.
No, it's certainly not.
Well, not with the guards.
That's for sure.
So let me pull up the chase mechanics.
We're going to keep everybody except Amy has played the chase mechanics
because we did it in the episode with Rev and Lex and Margaret and stuff.
Chase comp.
So it's not like the same as a race.
Dinosaur.
It kind of is.
There's similarities.
OK.
We forgot about the dinosaur race.
Right.
Running and the chase.
There's so many fucking things you've done on this podcast that I've completely forgotten about.
Do you guys remember that there's trains in this world?
What?
I don't believe that.
OK.
Chases.
Blah, blah, blah.
Running the chase.
A reminder for those and for those new.
When you're running a chase, everybody's strongly motivated to dash every round.
So we're going to say how quickly can a donkey move because you're being pulled by a donkey.
Donkey D&D Beyond.
Donkey.
D&D and D&D Beyond.
D&D and D&D Beyond.
That's right.
Donkey or mule.
That's the speed of.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Check out horse and then maybe let's like take it down 25 percent.
Just take your back there.
Just just just just gear it down a little.
I just feel like a horse.
So a horse is 60 feet.
I'd say probably 40.
40 is probably good.
So we're going to say you've got a 40 foot.
Because if normal walking speed is 30, you'd want it to be like kind of faster than that.
Otherwise.
Otherwise, why have a fucking donkey?
Other than they're adorable.
Adorable.
They carry all the stuff.
You don't have to walk.
I mean, there's personalities.
They will protect a farm.
Go get yourself's donkeys, folks.
Or or a donkey, a mini donkey.
They're so chase.
You're strongly urged or usually urged to dash.
You can dash an equal number of times to three plus your constitution modifier,
which in the case of a donkey, we're going to say zero.
So you can try.
You can go three constitution.
A donkey might have a higher constitution.
I would think so.
Constitution.
So let's say that the donkey has a plus two.
So we can say you can dash five times because a horse has plus one.
But if you go over that, we'll deal with that.
If we get there, spells and attacks means you don't move as far.
You can still move your regular stuff, but you can't attack.
Now, how does that work being as we're being pulled by a donkey?
Do we each roll for the donkey?
We're going to say that the donkey gets around and that's your movement.
So you unless you jump out, you don't get movement on your turn.
So I think that'll keep it.
I think that'll keep it equal.
So you still get your turn.
So in this case, you can react, act and spell cast.
So this is like a lot of life.
But we don't have to worry about our individual movement.
And then the donkey on its turn will dash.
OK.
And then at the end of your appropriate turn, roll a d20.
That could cause a complication for you or for your pursuers.
Oh, yeah. All right.
Let's raise the helm.
Helm guard leaps through the fire and begins taking chase at you.
Somebody roll the donkey into initiative here for me.
I'll do it.
That was a nat fucking 20.
Yeah, it was.
So Amy should play a donkey from now on.
Roll is amazing.
I think that's what we the only thing that could come of this.
So the donkey is top of the round.
Donkey is going to dash 80 feet down, which brings you to the end of this street.
There are people in the street kind of jumping out of the way.
At this point, if you're trying to get rid, get, you know, not seen,
you can make a stealth roll with disadvantage because you're still within line of sight.
So you can say if you kind of blends into the crowd or however that is.
So somebody has to make a stealth roll for your group.
So please roll.
What kind of modifier do we get?
Because I've got a good stealth.
Well, it's not your stealth unless you.
Yeah, because that would happen on your turn.
Stealth is what?
Dex.
Plus zero.
Also, I would just like to say during this,
if everyone could please have the tune of Monster Mash in their heads.
But saying, it's the dash.
It is the donkey dash.
Oh, that's fun.
OK.
It was a saving smash.
So continue with that in your mind, please.
It makes it more whimsical.
I like it.
OK.
What did you do, Carla?
I rolled a one.
Yeah, you did.
I mean, I can roll another one if you want, but it can't get worse.
The guard has locked eyes on you and, in fact,
advances more because of your now one.
So he closes the gap, even not on his turn.
We can take turns rolling that stealth.
I think you can.
That one was at disadvantage, too,
if you hide around something.
OK, it is Glim's turn.
You see this guard coming towards you.
You can act in any way you want,
or we can skip an action if you don't want to.
If there's something we can justify, like, skills-wise to aid in your.
Oh, my God.
I have a plan.
That never happens.
Is that a good one?
Or is it?
I don't know.
I think for now I am going to, yeah, just wait.
Maybe, like, commune with bottom that a little bit,
just, like, getting ready, trying to spur Rolf on in a non-demanding way,
but just, like, through divine energy.
Bardi's no longer in this.
Moot.
What kind of, like, is it densely populated,
the area that we're currently in?
It's fairly busy.
The streets are probably two carriages wide before you get to doors and shops and stuff.
Yeah, there's people jumping out of the way as you are exiting.
Are there, like, tall buildings on either side that maybe there's clotheslines
in between the two buildings and there's some clothes on them?
Yeah.
Perfect.
I will cast Mage Hand with my Crab Claw
and try and grab, like, a big towel or something
and drop it right on this guard that's chasing us.
Okay.
Make me a...
Give me a dex roll for the Mage Hand drop.
I can do that.
That is an 18.
So your Mage Hand, your Crab Claw, goes up,
pulls just the biggest of towels down
and drops it right on top of this guard who's now, like, clawing at the face,
slowed back down to where he was before your Nat 1.
Roll me a wild magic roll.
And also, now it's Sully's turn.
Ooh, it's a 7.
Whoa!
That was tangentially close.
Next time it's a 6 or lower.
Okay.
Sully.
Oh, okay.
Sully is not going to move at all,
but inside his pack, and I knew I got these for a reason,
he has one...
Where is it? Where is it?
He has a bag of 1,000 ball bearings.
It's legit right there.
Comes standard with rogues, but yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, and so I let loose my bag of 1,000, like, from under,
like, who knows, maybe it was a little crate underneath there
that got knocked over, and these ball bearings just come out
and just start pouring out the back of this cart,
and I'm hoping that he, like, fucking doesn't see him
because he's got a blanket on his face,
and he's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Kind of, you know, like, comic-style, slips on my ball bearings.
on my ball bearings.
The guard, still running, trying to get this towel off,
people are moving out of the way, he clears it
and you see him kind of, as he is dashing towards you,
you see people slipping from these ball bearings
as they're spreading out through the street
and he reaches them and collides with them
and you can't see his face, but if you could,
it would be like the biggest look of panic
as he begins to roll on these and he rolled a nat one,
so he goes sliding into one of the nearby stands
and just, it explodes, like there's feathers
for one reason or another and this guard
is like feet sticking out and over this stand
as you three, four, including Rolf,
kind of make your way around the corner
and peel off down the street.
I whisper, did it work?
Roll a stealth roll for whoever wants to do that.
Oh, I'll roll the stealth roll.
I'm feeling lucky.
Makes sense that you would.
17.
It takes a little while,
but you blend into the crowd again.
You see some guards patrolling
and almost like guards do
and they have their hand to their ear,
because magic, for no reason,
kind of surveying, but you've blended back in
with the crowd, maybe you've grabbed some things
or like changed the organization of your carriage.
I put a hood on.
We took the top down.
Yeah. That's right.
And you are out of chase.
Good work, everybody.
Wow, Sully.
The old towel and ball bearings trick.
Moot, you guys, that was so, that was amazing.
Oh, wow.
Okay, guys, now it's not the time to,
like, I'm not gonna come out from under this blanket
until I absolutely have to,
and now is totally not the time to talk about it,
but I got like a real fucking dark past
and it seems to be catching up with me
in this particular trip.
We're gonna have to have a conversation about it later
and I hope that maybe you guys don't hate me afterwards
because that would suck,
but I mean, I would totally also understand,
but maybe if we could just save Moove,
that might scrub my halo clean a little bit more
and also then we might be able to, like,
get the fuck out of here
and then maybe go back to fuck city.
I mean, this dark past sounds like a lot to deal with,
but yeah, we don't have time to get into it.
Let's save Moove.
Let's get to the ship.
Let's do what we're here to do.
We may have to get, like,
on this ship or something, get out of here.
I don't think we wanna go back through this city.
I don't, this city,
this is maybe the worst place we've been.
It's really bad.
You make it down to the harbor.
It's widespread down the coast of the city.
You reach kind of the entrance point.
There's many carriages coming and going
with large crates.
You blend your way in.
You do see many more guards patrolling the area.
None of them seem to have noticed you.
You do see a few ahead,
some doing, like, spot checks of different carriages
that are entering the harbor area.
Guys, I think we should leave Rolf Tygap here
and maybe go on foot.
We'll be less likely to be seen.
We could, like, wear our hoods up
and look just as inconspicuous as all these schmucks.
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
I don't like the idea of,
I feel like it limits our mobility a little bit
if we're in the carriage,
and this place is shady.
I mean, a harbor normally is pretty shady,
never mind in this town,
with all the goth everywhere.
I wonder if they have ducks down here.
I don't know.
We have a pretty good rapport
with those other ducks from the Dark Ward.
It's true.
I hope so.
Be nice to see a friendly face.
Okay, what's that?
So we tie Rolf up, I think,
just a little bit before the harbor,
in, you know, like, a regular
carriage animal parking stall?
Well, there's definitely, like, stable-type areas
and, like, tie-up posts, like, near taverns
and all that sort of thing.
So there are absolutely places along the way,
and close to the harbor, that you could do that,
reasonably, not just, like,
dropping them on the side of the road.
Yeah, no, I don't wanna do that.
I would also like to give a couple extra coins
to the stable hand that I, like, pass them off to,
and be like,
listen, if we don't come back for him,
you can keep him, he's a good donkey.
Okay, I've always wanted a donkey.
His name is Rolf.
Rolf?
Yes.
Oh, Rolf, if they don't come back,
I'm gonna treat you so well.
I'm gonna feed you apples and hay and wheat.
I hug this weird pre-pubescent stable hand.
Oh, I hope you don't come back,
but also, it's very nice to know you.
You too.
Take good care of our boy.
Of course, always.
Thank you.
Always and forever.
I'm gonna comb your hair,
and we're gonna play dress up.
Guys, I think we should probably not come back for Rolf.
It seems like this guy really needs a friend.
This is the only kind person in this whole city.
Thanks for doing that.
It's really fun.
I was like,
I feel like we're likely gonna get on a boat
and not go back through here.
I know.
And I did just almost murder some people to say that.
Exactly.
So I'm like, oh my God,
are we just gonna leave this donkey
on the side of the road after it got us out of trouble?
No, we found him the very best home.
I feel much better about that.
All right, everybody got the stuff that they need.
I've got the scroll here in my bag.
Yeah, we get all of our portable.
Do I have a disguise kit?
I don't know.
You would be the one that would, I would think.
I would have to think so, yeah.
Does anyone here have a disguise kit?
But no, I do not.
I guess I didn't come with the same kit
as all those ball bearings.
Which you don't have anymore.
Which I don't have.
I can't remove it.
I can't remove equipment.
It's just a magical replenishing ball bearing container.
You can manage your equipment.
And also drop your quantity.
Oh, quantity from 1,000 to zero.
That's okay, I'll get more later.
Well, you'll get more now,
you know how handy they are, right?
You're gonna have 2,000.
Honestly, as I saw the 1,000 in my kit,
my mind was just like,
what can I do with 1,000 ball bearings?
It was the thing that made me the most excited.
Yes, okay.
And as I get my things,
I bring out a staff that I've been putting
from cart to cart in all these different situations.
And I bring it with me and I hunch over a little bit
and I walk with a bit of a limp
and I put my hood up over my head
and here is my disguise.
Okay.
So, do you other two disguise yourselves
in any way, shape, or form?
You two fugitives.
No one's seen me yet.
I know.
I'm the six foot five dragonborn
that just flame blasted some people
in the middle of town.
But yeah, you take the disguise, it's totally fine.
I don't want them to kidnap me again.
No, I think I'll just put on,
I would have been in my traveling stuff,
I'm gonna put on a cloak and have it up over my head.
I can't change my size,
but at least I won't be immediately noticeable for a.
Well, and on the dock,
I'm sure there's many different kinds of people.
I assume it's very busy and there's, exactly.
I'll grab the comically large sun hat
that we had in the wagon and I'll wear that.
Yeah, you will.
With your slightly unkempt hair.
Slightly unkempt hair, thank you for noticing.
Lord, it's hot out here.
Yeah.
So hot today.
I do declare.
All right, you enter into the dock area, the harbor area.
What do you do?
Maybe look around for a boat
that has the same sigil as the one on the scroll.
I guess. The weird goat head.
Yeah.
I guess my question for you, Sully,
is because you were given the direction
that they would find you,
you have disguised yourself.
How are you being recognizable to some, but not all people?
Just the fact that you're a halfling, maybe?
Maybe.
I don't know.
Hey guys, maybe I should sit over there somewhere,
holding the scroll in my hands.
Maybe you guys could be my bodyguards
or something like that,
and just keep an eye out for me
and anybody approaching me.
And then hopefully maybe they'll find me
because I'm a halfling sitting here with a scroll.
I think that might be obvious
to some looking for a halfling with a scroll
and not others looking for a halfling
that may or may not have escaped a horrible situation.
I think it's as good an idea as any.
I mean, I don't know.
There's hundreds of ships here.
We can't just go door to door.
Please don't let anybody put me in a burlap sack.
Like watch me.
We'll do our best to make sure
that that doesn't happen again.
So pretend to be your bodyguards,
but then also if the need arises,
also be your bodyguards.
Yes, please, yes.
Absolutely.
Okay.
All right.
It's the middle.
I thought we were gonna do the dice, dice baby thing
because that came up just a minute ago
and I was like, ooh, check out these fresh new D&D tracks
we've got.
Oh man, can we do a bad infomercial?
Like all D&D songs?
All the favorites you know and love, like roll the one.
Womp, womp.
Sure, yeah.
Let's do that.
But also let's tell people about a great charity event
that we've got going on for the Trevor Project
where you can bid in an auction
from a whole bunch of great things.
But one of those things is me running a game for you.
What?
Tell yourself much.
And your friends.
Nobody else was saying anything I have to sell myself.
Fair.
You should tell yourself.
Simple prostitute, honey.
You're a great DM
and whoever wins the bid will be very lucky.
This is true.
That's true.
The current bid is at $85.
So, you know, that's a cheap thing.
It's a bargain for some Russ More DMing.
With Russ More.
Yep.
Okay, we've lost the motivation here.
And also, I'm sorry.
This isn't to have sex with Russ.
I just thought I'd put that out there.
This is so that Russ will GM a game.
Russ is much more expensive than that for sexual favors.
That's right.
We're gonna have to bump that number way up.
Okay, so the whole reason behind this thing here
is Dark Dice.
Our good friends over at Dark Dice there,
which is Travis and Caitlin,
they put together this cool event
with all funds from this auction
going towards The Trevor Project.
And The Trevor Project
is the leading national organization
providing crisis intervention
and suicide prevention services to the LGBTQ community
and more specifically young people
ages 13 to 24 every day.
So we are helping them by contributing our time
and hopefully you are able to go bid
on some of the awesome things.
They've got really sweet art commissions
done by amazing artists
and renting different GMs from your favorite podcasts,
one of which is me.
So we'll link all that down in the description here.
You can go check that out.
It's going on until the end of June
and then whoever wins those bids
will set up a time with the respective GMs
or art commissioners to have their games run
or characters drawn in the month of July.
So hopefully you're able to go check that out
and bid if it works for you.
All proceeds go to The Trevor Project.
Now, Russ, if this goes till just the end of June,
that's only a few days away.
So people really need to get on it
if they want to be a part of it.
Gotta be snappy.
Sorry to be quiet.
I'm just emailing myself to remember to go look at that
in case I want to try and get some art commissioned.
Do it.
This isn't just for listeners.
I want to do it too.
Careful folks.
You guys better get in there right now
because Carla is on it.
Carla's gonna, she's gonna be sniping bids
left, right and center.
I at least want a look.
Gotta watch out for her.
I want some commissioned art.
It's a really good cause.
This is awesome.
I mean, I want to play with Russ too,
but I get to do that every week, so.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's fair.
We'd love for you to go check that out
and have a great week.
Now back to the episode.
Dice, dice, paint.
There it is.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
So I go and I sit on like a bench?
Sure.
I don't know.
Okay, so.
You don't want a big piece of like cement that's.
I think this is gonna be,
I think this is gonna be a performance role
because you're trying to be conspicuous
but not conspicuous at the same time.
That's true, I am, yeah.
You're trying to catch the attention
of one specific individual versus perhaps a cult.
16.
I think that's good.
You sit there for what seems like probably a few hours
with many people moving by.
We're still under the 10 day mark, right?
We're like at the 10 day.
Yeah, we arrived at the city
within the eighth day, I think I said.
So you've got, in theory, a day and a bit
in order to find this person or ship or whatever.
And you're sitting there for a few hours
and nobody so far has stopped you.
Do I see anyone with an albino weasel?
Negative.
I'd be really mad if you did.
That fucker dropped the scroll off
only to have it picked up
and then pick it up again eight days later.
Well maybe she'd be able to steer us
to the ship that we need to be on.
Maybe, he could have just took it with him though, couldn't he?
Side note, you don't look at the scroll or anything, do you?
No, it's sealed with a wax seal
and I feel like if I were to open it,
I'd probably be sealing Merv's death.
Fair enough, okay, good to know.
Okay.
Why should I?
You can do whatever you want.
It's your character.
I hate you, it's whatever.
I prep for all occurrences
and I have many tabs open, that's all I'm saying.
So we're sitting here for hours, you said?
Hours.
If you don't do anything in particular,
several more hours pass by.
Yeah, I just snack on some nuts and stuff,
have a rogue apple in my bed.
It's getting to be kind of late now.
The traffic is dying down.
People have loaded up the ships,
doesn't look like anybody's leaving at this point.
The inbound traffic has slowed to almost a stop
and just as you three have almost given up for the night,
there's quiet footsteps
that begin approaching your direction
and it's a,
because it's dark and kind of backlit
from torches that line along the harbor,
it is a,
it looks like about a five foot person
with a hood, longer cloak for their person,
walking in your general direction.
I kind of like straighten up a little bit
and grip my staff a little tighter in one hand
and then holding the scroll in the other,
I peer at them and I nod.
You see them take like a half pause step
and then continue walking towards you
and as they get closer, you hear Sullivan slight.
Who's asking?
Represent Leighton Menda.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
You're supposed to have a certain article on you.
Like this scroll I'm holding very obviously
in my hand right here.
He holds out his hand.
I place it in his hand.
He grabs it and tries to pull it from you.
I let go, not a weirdo.
I'm not gonna pull him close and be like.
He looks at it and holds it up into the light.
You don't really make out his face,
you kind of see a silhouette in the light
and looks at it, examines the seal,
rubs his finger along it and kind of feels the edges.
Oh, it's all there.
All right, all right.
Well.
What do you mean by that?
I think he's counting money.
It's all there, Dresspan.
I believe it's all here, I'm looking at it.
It's just making sure you didn't open it
for taking a Reezy's on your way over here.
Leighton, none of my fucking business.
Now, we didn't think you was gonna make it.
That's a long. Oh, shit.
It's a long fucking travel that you took.
How'd you do it?
Merv is really important to me.
You ever have a friend?
I have many friends.
Well, if one was kidnapped
and someone else said that they'd die
if you didn't do something really fast,
that seemed quite impossible
once you try every avenue to get it done.
Well, depends how much they owed me.
Okay, I don't think that we weight friendship
in the same kind of way,
but let's just say I pulled out all the stops.
Can, when, well, I know that Merv is safe.
Oh, Merv is safe, don't you worry.
Okay, no, but I am worrying.
I was also told that before.
He holds out what looks like a clear glass ball.
So it tosses it to you.
What's this?
Just take a look in it.
I look inside it.
You focus.
I'm worried I'm gonna get sucked into the ball,
you guys.
Are you guys watching me?
You focus on the ball.
The eye of Sauron.
I'm on sack patrol.
The two of you ready yourselves
just to grab him from some sort of portal,
but no, you look at it and there's like,
you see this cloudy gas moving inside
and inside you see that begins to take shape
is the image of Merv and he's seated in a cell
and the image that you see
or the scene that you see play out
is it looks like he hears a sound.
He stands up and then begins to walk
and it's almost like this image is following him
and he walks past a guard and through a gate
and he's escorted out of a building
and allowed to go free.
How do I know this is real?
Oh, it's real.
It's a world of magic.
You gotta believe what your eyes show you, unfortunately.
I can't give you any more than what I can show you here.
You trusted that we had Merv from the same sort of image.
I did.
Which brought you here, so you trusted that much.
You know Layden Menda, he saved you.
You did a solid for him.
He's gonna do what he can to help you now.
Okay, good.
Your friends got a problem?
They look a little antsy.
Oh, them?
No, they're cool.
We're just on kidnap patrol.
I get kidnapped a lot, you understand.
I do, I do understand.
All right, might I have my ball back?
Oh yeah, for sure.
Thank you.
Seen enough?
Is there more?
Did you guys give him a fishing boat?
Why would we give him a fishing boat?
Well, you know, he was.
That's not part of the deal.
I know, I'm just saying.
He snatches the ball from your hand and says,
it's been a pleasure doing business with yous.
Yeah, you too.
Sorry, what's your name, friend?
Not any of your business.
Not any of your business, very unique.
He turns and he begins to walk away.
Safe travels home there, Sullivan Sleight
and snatch patrol.
Oh.
It's a fucking racing name you guys have now.
Whoa, snatch patrol.
We gotta head back.
Head back to High Moon.
Okay.
Okay, so that went, I guess, fairly well.
He showed me a picture, ball, magic ball,
magic crystal ball that showed me that Merv is safe
and was let go.
And I mean, that's cool.
I'm so glad.
I really didn't know if we were gonna make it
in only 10 days, so I'm really happy that Merv's okay.
I know that must be a big relief to you.
It really is.
I really shoulda, now upon hindsight,
maybe bought it a little bit,
like they give him a fishing boat back.
Like really kinda like set him up, you know,
cause he's a guy who deserves that.
He was just snatched off his boat while fishing.
Anyway, speaking of boats,
we should probably see if we can get on
one of these crews.
I assume being on a boat is very much like doing a caravan.
Yeah, that's probably true.
Don't we have to get some other things while we're here?
Yeah, there was the shipment for the magic store owner.
Oh fuck, I didn't write that down.
Moon, you took some notes.
What are some things?
My notes literally just say,
steal stuff for the magic store owner.
Shipment from Aglarond.
You reach into your pocket in Sullivan's Sleight
and you pull out a list that was given to you.
Oh, hey, would you look at that?
You reverse pickpocketed me.
You unroll that list and on it is a literal list
of items that you are to find and bring back for Sharmy.
On the list, you see
there is a circlet with runes written in infernal,
proximate size teacup saucer, red and green writing.
Also on the list, six alchemical jugs
marked with the sign of Dagon.
Also a selection of herbs
that have been shipped over from Aglarond.
Dream Flake, Sun Drop, Sitara, Goji Leaves and Sticksroot.
You know how much I don't want to get this stuff?
I know, I was hoping we could kind of just
get on a boat and get out of here.
But it looks like we've got some shopping
to do tomorrow or some.
We're gonna need better disguises.
Yeah.
I don't know, I'm kind of digging the sun hat.
The sun hat does look great.
It does change your look.
["Pomp and Circumstance March"]
["Pomp and Circumstance March"]
The song Long Road Ahead is by Kavin MacLeod
of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
All other music and sound effects can be found
at epidemicsound.com or boomlibrary.com.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Joshua Dixon, Stevie,
Jacob Madden, Kat Waterflame,
Devin Michaels and Christian Brown.
To find out more about how you can support
Dumbgeons & Dragons, visit us at
Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast,
where you can have exclusive access
to 50 plus hours of bonus audio content,
create in-game NPCs and items,
as well as play games with the cast.
Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
Have a great week and we'll talk soon.
Because you know that they're crazy.
Yep.
Like I remember being at like a street market
and there was these Hells Angels
and they came up to me and I was like 22.
I'm very excited for this story right now.
And I was drinking a bottle of water
and the guy's like,
"'Hey, can I have a sip of your water?'
And I'm like,
"'Yes?'
You just have the risk.
You could just have it.
Yes, exactly.
It's yours now.
I was like, yep, you bet.
And he was like, takes a big drink
and he's like this huge intimidating, scary man.
And he's like,
"'Oh, here you go.'
And I'm like,
and I was like,
"'No, no, you just keep it.
That's great.'
And he's like,
"'Well, you don't want it back now?'
And I'm like,
"'Oh no, I'll take it back.
Yeah, it's fine.'
"'Okay, no, I'll take it back.
I'm glad you had a drink.
Okay, bye.'"
Just like try to merge into the crowd.
But it's, yeah.
So it's like,
that's an unreasonable thing to ask a stranger.
And it's so unsettling.
I'm unsettled right now.
I feel like Russ put it in here
because he was like,
well, this is gonna freak Amy out.
It's just, I don't like it.
That's fair.
All right, stop.
Copyright infringement.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.