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Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons! I'm your dungeon master, Russ More. He, him. Also with me today is Amy More!
Yeah, she, her.
And Carla Maxted!
That's me, also she, her.
And Tom Laird!
C'est moi, he, him.
We're just getting right to the good stuff here. We're not telling you which characters we're playing, because we're giving you a live show that we played some time ago for our patrons, and now it's coming to your ears!
Ears, ears, ears, ears.
Oh wait, no, that's the wrong thing.
Pan, pan, pan, pan.
So, I hope you enjoy this, or we hope you enjoy this, not just me.
It's not all about you, Russ, not all about me.
I mean mostly just Russ, but sure.
We're like, eh, if you enjoy it.
For this one, Cicero Holmes, who plays Dance, and Kyle Clasett, regular cast member Kyle Clasett, who plays Vorunax, joined us for this amazing live show, and we had such a blast, and guess what?
We shouldn't guess, we know.
Yeah, no, we already know.
Or do you want us to say what?
You're the proxy for the listener. Thank you, thank you.
What?
What, Russ?
We're doing another live show!
So this is to get you in the mood for improv, baby.
And you can join us, if you're a patron, by signing up at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
What's the date of that live show, Carla?
Oh no, don't ask me, I got it wrong in the newsletter.
Sign up for a newsletter, it's fun, if only slightly factually inaccurate occasionally.
It is coming up, I'm just going to look at a calendar.
It's a Tuesday, and I just want to make sure I say the right Tuesday, June 27th.
Tuesday, June 27th.
Tuesday, June 27th, 7pm Pacific, 10pm Eastern.
The shows usually run like an hour to two hours tops, depending on how off the rails it gets.
Pretty off the rails.
Which is probably going to be off the rails, yeah.
But it's one hell of a fun time, and you can sign up at any tier to come join us.
We would really appreciate it.
So, without further ado, you can go sign up while you listen to this episode.
I'm going to drag it on just a little bit more, because I said without further ado.
Please enjoy the episode that our patron, Charl, has edited for us.
Yes, thank you to Charl.
Thank you, Charl.
Forgive you, Charl.
Listen to the credits, where all Charl's information will live.
But thank you, Charl, for putting together the sound design and the edit on this one.
And now, fuck it, let's listen to this episode that we played in the past.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
He, him, also with me today is Amy More.
I'm here, and I'm not wearing pajamas, but I am wearing clothes.
She, her.
And Tom Laird.
Yeah, I'm here too, also wearing clothes, because that's just what we do on this podcast.
He, him.
And Carla Maxted.
She, her, also wearing clothes, playing question mark?
The Riddler.
Joining us for this live improv show, special guest and regular cast member, Kyle Claset.
Hey, what's up?
I'm existing in a space right now, and he, him.
I'm Kyle.
I typically play Voronox on this show.
I'm excited to see what we're going to do tonight.
And the special guest, who we can't say is a regular cast member, but we could say is a regular cast member.
If only he would answer my calls all the time.
It's Sister Holmes.
He, him.
I thought clothes were optional.
I opted in for everyone else's safety.
And I am going to blink twice to let people know that I'm okay.
Thank you so much for being here.
Tonight's show is a live improv show, which means I have no bullet points tonight, everybody.
Not even one.
Wow.
Not even one.
Including, of course, which characters we're going to play.
Well, I mean, some of them are a little bit decided, but not all of them.
So we're going to figure that out.
But it's dedicated to our patrons, all of them in the chat and all of them over at Patreon.
Because of them, we hit 100 patrons.
Thank you so much.
You guys are amazing.
Too much.
It is too much.
I mean, honestly, Russ, how are you doing this?
Because not only is there 100 patrons, but there's like more than 20 people here.
And I don't understand how you're running all those accounts simultaneously.
I'm a robot, obviously.
I guess so.
Beep boop.
You're working in the chat as if it's individual, actual, discrete individuals.
Amazing.
I know.
I have special skills.
One of them is to be a type one diabetic who has a pump beeping.
So it actually just proves that I'm a robot.
Beep boop.
Beep boop.
Thank you all so much for being here.
We love you.
We love you all.
But let's get this thing started.
Fuck it.
Let's choose who we're playing.
So I've written down on a piece of paper all of the characters that everybody has played on a list under each name.
So we're going to be playing characters that we have played, not character swapping, because that could get just wild.
If somebody gets Sully, then Amy will kill them.
Amy gets so mad when people play Sully.
So it's for the best.
That's not true.
Just when I play Sully then.
That's true.
I think Tom has played Sully before.
That's true.
Yep.
And it was fine.
It was fine.
And for that, we're going to have Amy pick her character last.
Carla has had the most characters, though.
And I have them all written down here.
Nularaaaa, Glim, Lipsinki, Yen Bull, Elia, Lex.
And five of those still have character sheets.
So it's going to be Nularaaaa.
We're going to need somebody to roll a D6.
Carla, do you want to roll a D6, or do you want the chat to roll the D6?
Oh, I would love the chat to roll a D6.
Choose a random person.
You better all have your dice out, otherwise what are you doing?
The dungeon's dice along, yes.
How about Alebran?
Oh, okay.
Can you roll a D6 for me?
Or just go to Google?
Or is it Olabron?
Oh, that sounds nice.
I don't know.
Apologies.
You can include a pronouncer.
That would be great.
Oh, everyone's getting their dice.
Oh, thank you.
Love it.
Sweet.
Can you get your recorder out and play some sweet?
Caroline.
Sweet Caroline, yes, of course.
I feel like people want Cicero to sing more.
That went over really big.
Oh, I'm very excited.
It's a four.
It's a four, people.
It's a four.
What is it?
That means Carla is playing Yen Bull Nuri.
Oh, no.
I feel like she's the main cast character I've played the least.
Well, that gives some more time in the spotlight.
She can do whatever she wants now.
Who knows even where she is in time.
Right here with us.
In the space between spaces.
That's right.
Okay.
Tom has had four characters of note.
Flint, Moot, Bort.
You're caught up on our Adventures Up campaign.
A character named Meredith Grey.
You forgot Perseus in that list, Russ.
Come on.
Oh, I forgot Perseus.
You included Meredith, but not Perseus.
Yeah, I mean, I know Meredith's a new fan fave.
Come on.
She's everywhere.
I did forget Perseus.
I apologize.
Pick somebody to roll a dice for you.
Oh, okay.
Here we go.
Just going to look through the list real quick.
Kayla.
Kayla Littlejohn.
Is Meredith Grey like the Janet of The Good Place, but in our world?
Oh, yes.
We haven't figured that out yet.
Yeah, we haven't figured that out.
She still might be the big bad.
Also, we just recorded that, so that doesn't come out.
Do people even know what we're talking about?
Well, she was in the last one.
Oh, I know.
She was in the last one, too.
Sorry, we're getting Kayla.
Kayla Littlejohn.
Could you please roll a D6?
And we'll just omit the six, because that's only five.
It's a two.
It's a two, guys.
All right, you get to be moot.
Okay.
Oh, there will be wild magic shenanigans.
Oh, yes.
The wildest.
Unicorn.
Unicorn.
All right, Cicero Holmes has played one character.
Dince.
You don't say.
Who we love.
So we're going to roll for it.
Okay.
All right.
A beloved fan favorite who hit the road with Puff the Magic Dragon.
Something like that.
Yeah.
Because of the gig economy.
That's right.
Because of the gig economy.
You'd hit the road.
I am going to let Ruben.
Ruben, great sandwich, great person, great name.
Agreed.
Yes.
So Ruben, please roll a D6.
Everything, everyone and everything is counting on this roll.
That's right.
We don't know who Cicero could play.
I almost said who Dince could play.
A five.
It's a five.
I'll check the list.
Okay.
It's Dince.
Oh!
Who knew?
Oh, all right.
Keeping with Amy going last, Kyle has played two characters, actually three characters.
Yeah, what's up?
But we'll stick with two because scared Tabaxi in the woods is probably.
That sounds like.
I mean, you'd have to come up with all your stats, but I think you could do it.
So we got Vorunax, of course, and Japs.
Japs.
I love Japs.
Does that mean you've included that one that paired with Japs on Amy's list as well?
Ooh, I hope so.
Shit, he doesn't have a character sheet.
Don't do it to me.
No.
Tabby made me laugh with their D1 comment.
So Tabby, if you'll flip a coin.
Say heads is Vorunax.
Nice.
Okay.
Sorry, who are we getting?
Tabby.
Tabby.
Oh, Tabby.
All right.
Or Tavi.
Tavi.
Tavi.
We both went the wrong way.
We both went opposite ways.
It's a Ta.
It's a Ta.
Heads.
Vorunax.
All right.
All right.
Evil Vorunax?
We'll find out.
I guess.
Isn't he always evil though?
I was going to say, do we know that he's not evil anymore?
We don't know shit.
We don't know shit.
That's right.
Okay.
And for Amy, she's played Nighthunter.
She's played Sully.
She's played Thea.
And what I forgot, I'm sorry, was that she played Flanks.
I did.
I forgot Flanks' name.
So we need a D4 roll from your choice there, Amy.
Ooh.
I'm going to choose Gabe.
I don't know who you are, Gabe.
Are you Gabe?
Is it Gave?
Is it Gave?
Gave, of course.
Or is it Gav?
Gabe, you there.
You going to roll me something?
But Nada?
Nada, the last one though.
Four.
What is it?
You get to be Flanks.
Oh fuck off.
I get to speak like a teenager the whole time.
I'm pretty excited actually.
It's going to be okay.
Oh, well there was also that fun Kenku that you played.
Oh, that's true.
Oh, it is Gabe.
Roll a D, Sully.
Yeah.
Roll a D, Sully.
I can't believe he was a legit character that he played on more than one occasion.
Bowstring.
Flick.
Flick.
It is Gabe, and he rolled you Flanks.
Are you not honoring Flanks?
Well, I'm going to honor Gabe.
I mean, if Flanks dies in the first 10 minutes, then we have to pick a different character, obviously.
I will fight tooth and nail to stay alive.
I never died, except for in that one that we did for children.
Oh, with the cheekbones.
You're supposed to die.
Yeah, the one where you're supposed to die for children.
Yeah.
And the one where you and Carla had the amazing cheekbones.
Did I die in that?
Yeah, everyone died in that one.
Yeah, no.
The cheekbones were just snatched.
Kids say that.
If you haven't been to one of our improv live shows, this is where I cut everybody off and move on to the next thing.
This is where we need suggestions from you on what this adventure is that we are going to be taking part in.
We need a type of big celebration from the crowd.
Everybody keep an eye on the chat here.
Who's playing?
And if something speaks to you, say it out loud.
Cat's birthday, birthday sitting party, a gender reveal, anniversary, Olympic opening ceremony.
Awake.
Awake.
Awake.
Oh, man.
Sully's birthday.
Yeah, so I have to play two characters.
No, you don't even get to play Sully.
He's just like a random NPC.
Sully's too busy.
It's his special day.
He's socializing.
He's going around.
Harvest Day.
Oh, Harvest Day.
Fun.
Goldfish's birthday.
Any of these speaking to anybody?
Well, I mean all of them.
Awake.
Awake would be fun.
Words that have not been spoken probably a whole lot.
Awake would be fun.
We know awake.
Depends on the person who grew up.
A bark mitzvah?
What was that?
A bark mitzvah.
You know, for a dog.
Corn maze grand opening.
Get out of here, phobia.
Yep, nope.
Nice try.
If you find yourself just randomly kicked out for some reason.
Kyle, what's speaking to you?
Man, that party right at the top just cracked me up as soon as I saw it.
I also really like the idea of the jamboree, which I assume is music just piped through jams.
Oh, yes.
I assume.
That's what that is.
There could be some turnt goblins there, though, too.
Gotta have some turnt goblins.
Lay down.
So a pudding party or a jamboree?
Turnt callbacks.
A crossfit competition.
I feel like pudding parties scream to everybody.
Not only because it was in all capitals, but because it sounds like a lot of fun.
So I think we're going to go with pudding party.
All right.
And where is this pudding party happening?
Give us a location.
Awake.
At the funeral home because it's part of the way.
The vanilla capital.
Not Borobia.
Interesting dichotomy we've got going on.
Strodd's hosting, actually.
Yeah.
Welcome to my pudding party.
Horny gnome town.
We've done horny gnomes before.
We can't do that again.
That's fine.
Do the wake.
Can it be Grancis's wake?
Don't tempt us.
You've got hate on Grancis now, too, Kyle?
No, I love Grancis and I want to celebrate his life.
Yes, town of ass.
Atlantis.
What's speaking to you, Cicero?
Pudding party at Butts Hole.
Oh, man.
Yes.
So Amy really liked Butts Holes.
Well, I mean, we've been to Butts Hole before.
We've been to Butts Hole before.
That's where the pudding party could be in Butts Hole.
That's no pudding.
Oh, boy.
Wouldn't that be the adventure?
What's the pudding?
Why not candy?
Pudding intrusion at Butts Hole.
Forth is saying why not candy land,
but spelled it candy like strangers with candy,
and that has me going somewhere.
Oh.
OK.
Oh, my god.
OK.
It's a pudding party in Butts Hole.
Whose party is it?
A person of note to any or all of these characters.
It will be all of these characters.
Why chunks?
Where did you find it?
Oh, man.
Smacks von Lauderton.
Francis.
Smacks von Lauderton.
Phobia.
I've dropped it.
Oh, god.
I hate a chocolate squirrel.
The Black Knight's having the pudding party.
I mean, he's not working all the time.
Oh, Miss Ma'am Meow Meow.
Oh, Miss Ma'am Meow Meow.
Oh, Miss Ma'am Meow Meow.
I haven't played Miss Ma'am Meow Meow in some time.
Good thing Sully's not here.
Since I was in prison last.
All right, Amy.
Who's speaking to you?
I think it's Miss Ma'am Meow Meows.
You think it's Miss Ma'am Meow Meow?
Yes.
I do.
Meow meow.
Oh, god.
I just saw TMS.
I know.
Change my answer.
Austin Powers, get out of here.
Groovy, baby.
Something from this pudding party has gone missing, which has caused this pudding party to go.
The chunks?
Sideways.
Now I'm not sure.
Oh, tapioca balls.
Okay.
I once had tapioca pudding and I was enjoying it thoroughly.
And then my brother said, you know, that's fish eggs, right?
Classic brother move.
It's not classic big brother.
I know he's never going to hear this because he listened to one of our episodes and was
like, I don't really get it.
It's not really my thing.
And I was like, well, you're an asshole.
He's not.
He's great.
The prompt was, there's an item that's gone missing from this pudding party.
Spoons.
You can't eat pudding without spoons.
The golden spoon.
For the best pudding.
The inaugural spoon and the celebration cannot start until Miss Ma'am Meow Meow has
her scoop of pudding with the inaugural spoon.
Obviously it's communal pudding, isn't it?
I do think it's just one big vat.
One big vat of pudding in the era post-COVID.
Yeah.
We like to live in a fantasy land, right?
That's right.
The panini does not exist here.
Everything is good and clean.
Okay.
So we're going with spoon.
Is that like?
I'm into spoons.
Spoon.
All right.
We're going to see this scene very soon.
I got to wrap my head around pudding party.
Keep stretching it, right?
All right.
Fuck it.
Let's play.
Can't say that when we're talking about the place we're going to be at.
Oh, fair.
Yep.
Yep.
Ah, it's a beautiful cloudy day in Butts Hole.
Not too hot, not too cold.
The breeze is just cutting through the center of town.
Parting the crowd that has gathered in Butts Hole.
Our adventurers have come together.
You see friends across the way.
It's a little swampy.
It's a little swampy in Butts Hole.
The humidity is a little up.
The humidex is high.
And they've all been brought together because Ms. Man-Meow-Meow is throwing the biggest party in the land.
You've traveled from all over.
And you're currently standing outside of Nether's region, which is a well-known tavern in this area, of course.
And you've come together and caught each other's eye and are just reminiscing over all of the things that you've done in the last few weeks since the last time you saw each other.
Oh, we all know each other.
OK.
It's easier when you know each other.
Quick question.
Did you ever drink a goblin to death?
Well, I did once drink an orc under the table, but that...
I've never tried goblin blood.
You don't drink the blood, you just outdrink them.
That wasn't really made clear.
I was going to say one time I saw orcas crack a goblin in half and drink it.
Wild.
Right?
Crazy dude.
Wow.
I would drink something outside.
Yes, the wind outside on my cheeks feels really good.
I drink outside.
That's one of my favorite places to drink.
Right.
Well, that's what you meant, right?
What a time to be alive.
Everyone's just drinking outside.
It's fantastic.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to Nether's region, just down the street from Belly's Button.
You should swing by for after snacks there.
They got little jam-y things that they put on crackers.
It's really tasty.
But I brought you your drinks.
We got an ale.
I heard you like a goblin's blood, so you got that there.
There's a fruit one.
Who ordered the fruit one?
Well, that was me.
Oh, you did?
We've done this before.
You go ahead.
I'll get the next one.
Give them two straws.
Just get it over with.
All right, everybody's got their drinks.
It's lovely to see you.
I'm your server, Flamikens.
I used to be a pirate.
I will probably join you on an adventure later.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, I'm not actually serving, Amy, so you can pour your own drink.
I'm doing it.
Our friend likes to drink outside.
We can just take these and head up the event, right?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Public drinking is totally fine in Butts Hall.
Good.
Is this non-alcoholic?
Yes.
Do you have any disposable straws?
Oh, of course.
They're all disposable.
No.
Well, this one, you know, I don't want any other birds to get sick or anything from
the straw.
Oh, you don't want it stuck up their nose?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, because I've got this beak and it's, you know, the straws are good for
the beak.
Right.
OK.
I got a long spaghetti straw.
Spaghetti straw.
It's kind of like a cannoli.
Did you just glue a bunch of penne together?
Yep.
You did that real fast.
Well, there's a lot of gaps in that straw.
Yeah, it's going to go everywhere.
All right.
There's your cannoli.
Would you like the cream-filled cannoli or just the dry pasta cannoli?
No, the cannoli's got to have the cream.
I want a straw.
Oh, OK.
Well, here's a straw and a cannoli.
Oh, OK.
Hey, guys, if you ask for a straw, you get a cannoli.
That sounds good to me.
I'm going to write that down.
I'll make sure to remember that.
I'm ready to get my drink and go out and see all that Butts Hole has to take in.
Let's mingle.
We've got to get deep into Butts Hole.
You did so deep.
Nampaw 9, the non-alcoholic beer is PCP.
I feel like we're just on the outskirts.
That's Nampaw 9.
That's Lindsay.
You head out of Nether's region and you walk down the streets of Butts Hole,
and they're lined with shrubberies all along, tall trees as well between the shrubberies.
You see down at the end of this main street, there is what is a well-known well in Butts Hole
that goes down deep into the earth.
But for this occasion, you see that it's brimming, like right, filled right to the top
with the smoothest of puddings.
Oh.
Would you look at that.
I had heard so much about this.
I came all the way from Callamport to see the well full of pudding.
Now that I'm here, I think it's a little bit gross.
Well, I mean, I think it's all a matter of perspective.
Is it your favorite kind of pudding, at least?
Oh, it is.
It's that pistachio kind, the green kind that has little bits in it.
Everyone's favorite.
Oh, yes.
So there's chunks in the pudding?
Well, of nuts.
Oh, there's nuts in the pudding.
There's nuts in the pudding.
They're putting nuts in the Butts Hole pudding?
Whoa, that doesn't seem very inclusive.
What if I have a nut allergy?
I probably do.
Hold on.
Yep.
I would love if there was just an actual line on your character sheet.
Nut allergy.
It's under no soy, no dairy.
It's I made a sheet for me.
It's a bit nutty.
As you get closer to it and you can see that there are the chunks in it, there's a velvet red rope
keeping people back and everybody's respecting the red rope for the most part.
You see a few onlookers trying to lean over and then there's security guards slapping their hands away.
There is a podium on the far side of this town square.
And you see a cluster of highly important people all gathered around.
Notably in there, you see Miss Miao Miao, who was brought in from the Luskin region.
You see Grancis Ashton, who appears to be more doing custodial work, just picking up cups and straws
and everything else that has been kind of littered around the hole.
And who else do they see there?
I don't know who else we see, but Dents wants to go up to the person that's picking up the straws and the cups.
Says, hey, people should throw those things away.
Do you have like a place where people can throw things away?
I've just been going around picking them up, and they don't seem to have a very good...
Well, usually they throw the garbage into the hole, but they filled it with pudding for this event.
And there's an incinerator down at the bottom, which is how I assume they're going to get rid of most of this milk product at the end.
Because leaving it out much longer than the end of the day here is going to...
Even in a world full of magic, it's probably going to be really bad.
Wait, so you threw your trash into the pudding?
Well, no, we previously threw the trash into the hole, and then they filled it with pudding.
So we just need to avoid the very bottom of the...
Yeah, there's a little churn in the first layer, but then after that it pretty much settles.
And at the top, it's clean pudding.
So there's already kind of a taint to Butts Hole's pudding.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, there is.
They said it accentuates the flavor of the pistachios.
Yeah, I guess I was in college once, so yeah, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's when they're mixing pudding.
That's what they ask for prerequisites, if they've been to college.
Oh, that's a big word.
That's why I left college, because I couldn't say that word.
Well, but you've been once.
Yeah, I went once.
Yeah, I went once.
I went there, and then I left because they wanted me to say, prerequire it.
Yep, that's it.
Yeah.
Wait, no, you shouldn't go there.
You shouldn't do that.
You shouldn't put your garbage and your pudding in your garbage.
Your garbage is your pudding.
Your pudding is your garbage.
Wow.
Gotta eat your pudding.
Well, let's eat that pudding, and then you can put those straws in there.
Oh, oh, can't eat the pudding yet.
Not until Ms. Mam-Meow-Meows had the first scoop with the golden spoon, I think is what we said.
Wait, is it true if you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding?
I've heard that somewhere.
Yeah?
Everybody had their meat before they came?
Yeah?
Oh, of course.
Did you go down to...
We had some things at the...so, yes.
Again, the prerequirements have been met.
Oh, yeah, that's...I go to your college.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to keep picking up straws here.
But yeah, Ms. Mam-Meow-Meow should be ready in just a moment, and you hear a shriek from a few feet away.
That bird sounds so unhappy.
It's probably the straws.
That's Ms. Mam-Meow-Meow.
She doesn't sound very good.
I'm going to go check and see what's up.
He walks two steps to the left.
Ms. Mam-Meow-Meow.
Oh, she's right there.
Okay, good.
What seems to be the problem?
I just need the spoon.
Something about a broom.
No, the spoon.
The spoon is gone.
The inaugural Butts Hole spoon.
Oh, no.
The first spoon in Butts Hole.
But how can the festival start if we don't have the spoon?
This is a good question.
Can it even start?
Is there anybody here who could find perhaps clues about who stole the spoon?
It was here, behind this red rope.
I have a spoon in my pack.
Can we just use that?
No.
What's so special about this inaugural spoon?
The spoon cleanses the pudding.
Oh, so it takes care of the trash.
Oh, so it's slotted.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It filters and then releases the garbage that we determined is in the pudding.
Like, magically?
Yes, magically.
Oh, magically.
I was just imagining a big sieve.
We live in a world of magic.
It's a spoon made of TP?
Titanium.
Plastic.
Koreanite.
Dinoids.
Is the spoon like a seashell?
If you've got three seashells, you know about the three seashells, right?
I've heard of this, too.
Oh, I don't know about this.
I'm about to learn something.
I'm dreading this.
Yeah, who hasn't heard about the three seashells?
Yes, you have to use it.
In Butts Hole, there's always three seashells.
There's one, and then the other, and then the other, and then you're done.
Right, and then you're done.
Yeah.
Everything's over.
Hey, Moot, can you explain that to me later?
We could use the seashells for the pudding instead of the spoon if they're so revered here in this town.
It is spoon-like.
It is.
But you guys, it's not magic.
But yes, we do need some magic spoons so that it is not full of garbage.
Now, like, can anyone use a spoon?
Well, yeah, everybody's going to have to use the spoon, but Ms. Miao Miao...
I'm sorry, hold on.
Wait, we all use the same...
Isn't the inaugural communal spoon?
It's the inaugural communal spoon of Butts Hole.
I heard what happens is that the inaugural spoon is used to scoop out the pudding, and then the host, Ms. Miao Miao, would go around and feed everybody the first serving of pudding.
There's hundreds of people here.
Oh, thousands if the RSVPs hold true.
I mean, everybody wants to come around.
Still better than that baby bird festival I went to.
Yeah, where they fed you baby birds to every single person.
Oh, I thought they fed you baby bird style, like someone threw up...
It was both.
They fed you baby birds baby bird style.
Wow.
I've been there a couple of times.
You know what?
There's actually a plaque here.
It says if you don't use the inaugural spoon, you could get poisoned by the berries that grow around the entrance to Butts Hole.
Those are sometimes in the pudding.
Those are dingo berries.
They make an amazing ringing sound.
You can gather them and shake them, and it's like a little holiday sound.
Well, I don't want to be poisoned.
And you know what?
This drink is...
I don't know, but I'm ready for an adventure.
Oh, boy.
I'm ready for some pudding.
Okay, well...
I am also ready for some pudding.
I've come from a very, very long way away, but if...
If only we had people who were sort of investigatorial adventurers.
Oh, these words.
Who could find things like clues?
I can find things.
Well, I'm a guide in training.
Yeah, where would you look for clues?
Look, pudding. I found it.
Oh, you did it.
I bet that guard pushing people away from the well might have seen something,
unless they were too busy pushing people away from the well.
Hey, get away from the well.
Yeah, get out of here. We don't need you by the well.
Oh, I've got to keep everybody away from the well until they get that spoon back.
Hey, that guard's mumbling to himself.
He seems just crazy enough to know something.
I'd agree.
Excuse me, sir?
Oh, what? Stay away from the well until the spoon has been found?
Have you been here this whole time?
Yes, for the last 24 hours.
That's a long shift.
That's probably against the labor code, but we can talk about that.
The labor codes in Batsoul are a little fLexible.
Did you see anyone approaching the spoon?
Oh, the spoon.
I saw lots of people approaching the spoon, and they were looking at the spoon from a distance.
And then I was drawn to some hooligans trying to lean over and just put their fingers.
There was a small halfling and a tall dragonborn,
and they were trying to put their hands into the pudding.
And I had to stop them. I said, nope.
And they said, oh, well, we've got this.
Well, we're going to save the world.
But first we have to dip our fingers into this butthole pudding.
That sounds familiar.
But I said, not today. Not today.
They sound exasperating.
And then I turned around and the spoon was gone.
Can you show us where they keep the spoon?
And also, if it's so important, why is it just out?
Oh, yeah, so come over here.
There's a real loose spoon policy here.
Excuse me.
Martha, Martha, I need you to take my place here keeping people away from the butthole
while I show people where the spoon was.
I'll slap some people for you.
All right, come on over, Martha.
You take this body.
Oh, go slap that one right there.
Oh, I'm going to get him.
All right, come with me. Come with me.
Here we go.
We're going to...
This is where...
And he takes you over to this plaque like 15 feet away.
Is this well this big?
I think so.
Well, no, it takes up a large...
We're just along the circumference.
It's like a pool, like a gangplank around a pool, right?
Or like a...
Can you give me a dimension?
I was really picturing a well so narrow that a child would get stuck if they fell in it.
No, no.
You remember from Butts Hole?
It's like 50 feet across.
Oh, they filled that whole thing?
They filled...
This is what's so magical about it.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, there's a lot of pudding here.
Wow.
Butts Hole is a big...
It's deceptively big, Butts Hole.
Yeah.
Yes.
15 foot plaque, that's right.
I did...
And it was in size 27 font.
It was...
Yeah, yeah.
Here it is.
It's the inaugural Butts Hole spoon, and it was hanging right here on these two
fish hooks, you see.
And now it's gone.
And Ms. Miao Miao...
Still crying.
How big is this spoon?
Oh, well, let me get my protractamagotors out and see here.
Measure, carry the four.
It's like three feet.
Wow, it's like a shovel.
Is that the bowl of the spoon, the length of the spoon?
Three foot...
Oh, oh, yeah.
Well, it kind of bAlydinces a little bit there.
So, you know, it's like three feet from stem to stern.
So like a foot and a foot and a half for the bowl.
So it's a big bowl for the spoon.
And this is where it was.
And this is the plaque that says the inaugural Butts Hole spoon.
And yes, I realize fish hooks should probably be banned in Butts Hole,
but they're not.
Is this more of like a ladle situation?
Is it a deep...
It's like a deep V is what it is.
Oh, it's a little sexy then.
Yeah, well, something like that.
Vorunax, I've seen you wear a deep V before.
You can pull that off, man.
Appreciate that.
I enjoy a nice deep V.
Whoa.
So I've shown you where the spoon was.
Don't solve our problems for us.
Someone telling you how to play the game?
End scene.
Next adventure.
Okay.
There's a plaque here, too.
This plaque says something.
It's a little dusty, though.
Well, I think if we read it one word at a time.
Yeah, you could probably do this.
Yep.
That's the best way to read a plaque.
That's the best way to read a plaque.
I'll start.
Yes.
This is...
Spoon.
Oh.
Well, I think we're reading.
We're going to each read a different word on the plaque, you guys.
Not the same word the whole time.
Okay, from the top.
This...
I'll take this a long time.
Spoon...
Is...
The...
Magic...
Inaugural...
Spoon...
Of...
Butthole...
Oh.
Period.
You...
Must...
Always...
Use...
Lubrication...
When...
Eating...
Out of...
That was two words, you guys.
I'm real sorry.
Well, it's a hyphen.
It's okay.
Butts...
Hole...
Well, it says it right there.
We can't eat at a butthole unless we use a spoon and some sort of lubrication.
But wait.
Someone scrawled something underneath it.
Let's read it again one word at a time.
You'll...
Regret...
Finding...
A...
Spoon...
To...
Retrieve...
Pudding...
The...
Forest...
This person had no idea how to form sentences.
Oh my gosh.
Well, I think that's our first clue.
I'm going to go back to slapping people away from the red rope there.
Why do you do that?
We're going to talk amongst ourselves.
You talk amongst yourselves and figure out how to get to the forest.
It's like a first-year improv class.
How we doing?
That plaque has a lot of words on it.
You made it to the middle.
You must be having a great time.
Well done.
Thank you for not turning it off yet.
You did it.
I think that's every podcaster's hope by the middle of their episode.
How many of them say it?
Russ, can you whip up a little like, let's all go to the lobby and not turn the podcast
off?
I didn't even need to.
That was perfect, Tom.
That was beautiful, Tom.
Just have that on a loop.
Yeah.
I love it.
So we need to get that on a hot key and just have it on loop every time
we go.
On our soundboard.
That's right.
Yeah.
We want to just step in and remind you that we're doing another live show.
The joy of live shows is it's very much like this, the one that you're listening
to, in that there's a lot of laughs, there's a lot of fun, and we don't know what the
hell's going to happen, but the story will be different every single frigging
time, no matter what we ask for, because the audience gives us all this crazy stuff
that we get to act out, which there was a lot of it in this episode.
Hey, but we're willing.
You know what?
Yeah, let's do it.
That's what you got to do.
And it's a one-shot, so nobody's worried about that sort of thing.
It's a great time.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
What's that date, Carla?
It's coming up Tuesday, June 27th, 7 p.m. Pacific, 10 p.m. Eastern.
I only keep picking on Carla because of the newsletter thing.
I know.
He's just bullying me lightly.
I mean, some people were saying fiasco, but I don't think it was that serious.
But just know that that word was thrown out.
You know that now I'm like, oh, God, they were actually mad at me.
Carla, I'm on your side.
To make mistakes is to be human.
Absolutely.
As I would say to my grade ones, the mistakes are where the learning happens.
That's right.
Oh, that's nice.
I 100% send someone an email today like, here's that thing you wanted.
Didn't attach it.
Oh, I do that all the time.
I hate it when I do that.
Me too.
So make sure you put it in your calendar on the right date.
Yeah.
And we'll see you there.
That's right.
Patreon.com.
Sign up at any tier and come join us.
And the day before is a supporting producers chat.
So where you get to hang out with us on a Zoom call.
It's a lot of fun, too.
So just putting that out there.
And the day after is my last day of school.
So I just thought I'd throw that in there.
It's a big week.
Absolutely.
Then the day after that, I'm flying to Calgary.
Oh, my God.
That's going to be the best week.
Me too.
Oh, boy.
That is a big week.
You guys, we've got to let him get back to the episode.
We let it get off the rails.
Yeah.
June 27th.
Reel it back in.
Live show.
Now get back to this live show where we're having a blast.
OK.
Love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Love you.
Sorry we didn't take your suggestions, you guys.
He was like, say it one word at a time.
We're all like.
It was so fast.
Oh, God.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
This is your first time.
It would have been better.
Because then our sentence would have been, results very.
Hopeful most.
Scamper.
Wellspring deviant.
Marbles.
Squirrel.
Grammas.
It honestly, honestly would have made more sense.
Erin at the top says, this is a hot mess.
And Kat at the bottom goes, this is your first time, Erin.
Things in Butts Hole is usually a hot mess.
You know what it is.
It's a little messy.
It's real hot.
Hey, everybody.
I brought you some more drinks.
Very.
Oh, excuse me.
That's my dog.
He's trapped in this room.
Do you hear that?
Do you hear that dog bark?
You hear how it is?
Yes.
Not the usual Loki bark.
He barked himself raw at his.
Oh, my God.
It was so sad.
He's now practically voice castrated.
That'll learn him.
It won't, though.
It won't, though.
He doesn't learn is the problem.
It's a problem.
He's he's insisting on making this a mess.
All right.
He literally will not learn.
All right, you guys.
So we need to get a plan.
I don't think I should be the one leading this, though.
Oh, oh, lead us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everyone follow Dens.
Lead the way, Dens.
Where are we going?
Thank you, Dens.
To the forest?
That is what that weird scrawl said.
Yeah.
When we all read that together, it said something about the forest.
And lubrication.
It's on the west side of the happy highway.
The west side of the highway.
All right.
Well, that's not too far.
I bet if we hope that we could get there and then maybe search around for some tracks.
This was a big spoon.
If it was a small person, they probably dragged it behind them.
Well, there's probably a lot of footprints around in Butts Hole.
Yes.
But specifically around here.
There are lots of.
Yes.
So many people have been in Butts Hole.
It's just there's.
It's amazing how many people can fit in Butts Hole.
Well, I can't believe we're already at the forest because this is like everything.
You know what?
I see why people live in Butts Hole.
The commute from here to there and like over there.
This is a very vocable community.
Yeah, it is.
Everything is.
So, okay, I'm going to search around.
I'm going to search around for some footprints.
I rolled an 18.
You see footprints.
I don't have stats.
What size are the footprints that they see?
Asking the audience.
They're potato sized.
Potato sized footprints.
There's just a potato there.
They are huge.
Potato.
Huge.
Extremely tiny.
They're huge.
And extremely tiny.
So what they see is one set of very large potato like footprints.
No toes?
No toes.
Interesting.
Just like a large elongated pad of a foot.
They're surrounded by feels like hundreds of tiny, tiny like almost rodent like.
It's almost like this.
This one footprint, it drags a lot.
It's like it lifts quickly and then drags and then lifts quickly and then drags.
And it's leading into the forest, into the deepest, darkest part.
I think I know what we have here.
It is, I think, one of those unlikely animal friendships.
Oh.
Like what?
What do you have in mind?
I once saw a baby cheetah that was best friends with a tiny puppy.
So this is probably, it was so, just so adorable.
My heart.
You did not expect it.
So this is probably some kind of tiny mouse creature, best friends with rat potato creature.
Hold on.
Do you have zoes here?
We have zoes in Kalamport.
It's sort of.
Well, if we keep moving into the forest, we'll be moving further away from Butts Hole
and closer to T-Ain't.
So are we on our way to T-Ain't?
You see a fork in the road with a sign up ahead that says T-Ain't.
Then T is?
T is.
I know to be able to get through T-Ain't, you have to have two neums.
Luckily I have a pair of neums.
Oh, great dad.
It's all just butt stuff.
Oh, name of our, name of the title, title of the name.
Name, title.
Title of the name.
It's all just butt stuff.
Title of the name.
Jesus, Kyle.
Welcome, Aaron.
What a show to come in on.
I know.
Yeah, this is the one.
Yeah, you did it.
So you can go to T-Ain't or T is, and it sounds like you've got a way to
get past or through T-Ain't.
I think we should go to T-Ain't, especially if Farnox has the pair of
neums because those two are going to really help us out.
Now I'm looking closely and I'm just wondering, does it look like two
footprints or a lot of footprints dragging the spoon and picking it up?
Or was there like one set of footprints when someone was carrying someone?
And then you were with me the whole time.
Right?
You know what though, we're talking a lot about the footprints.
Let's like find out, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
I did hear a rumor that there were a lot of rodents welcomed into butts
holes.
Oh yeah.
I know.
You know what?
I heard that too.
I have also heard that that is popular among certain.
I think they were initially invited to butts hole by their mayor, George
Clooney.
George Clooney on blast.
That was the rumor.
I mean, that's quite the rumor.
We're talking while we're walking, obviously.
Obviously.
So do we sing to T-Ain't?
I heard there is a genital store in T-Ain't.
So we might want to go just so we could pick up a few things after.
That'd be good.
Yes.
I mean, the potato's footprints seems to go off towards T-Ain't.
So, you know, go there, see if anybody in the genital store has seen
anything of note.
No, they gossip there.
No, they do.
Yes.
Let them know we're in a hairy situation.
Yes.
Yes.
Off to T-Ain't.
You make your way down the road to T-Ain't and you travel for, I don't
know, a good five minutes.
And you come out of the forest on the other side.
It's a good walkable community.
And you come to the gates of T-Ain't.
And standing at the gates of T-Ain't, you see a group of people
standing at the gates of T-Ain't.
And standing at the gates of T-Ain't is a well-armored soldier with a
big broadsword and a shield.
And he stops you.
He says, what's your business in T-Ain't?
Bear witness, my perineums.
Oh, you brought the perineums.
You are allowed into T-Ain't.
I am God Richard Gere and I will let you in.
Oh, yes.
George, we're sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
There you go.
Apologies.
No, George is our mayor.
Yes, yes.
George is your mayor, but Richard Gere, you're Lord Gere.
You're standing very erect.
Well, I've been working on my posture.
Yes.
Well, thank you so much for saying so.
Have you seen a spoon?
Well, there were, in fact, a group of strange individuals all piled on top of
each other wearing a big long cloak, so I didn't get a good look at them.
Move, right this way.
There was a Glimer of something in their sack.
Glimering sack.
Could you explain two things?
Did they also have a perineum?
Well, they did.
I don't sound anything like Richard Gere.
Richard Gere doesn't sound anything like Richard Gere, so.
Yeah, I think it's just.
Richard Gere would be a warforged, right?
Yeah, obviously.
I'm just going to be just going to be this because that sounded like a lot like the guard that I was being.
Yeah, you really just got to squint your face up a little bit.
Just got to squint your face up a little bit.
Like the sun's always in your eyes.
Yeah, sorry.
What was your question?
Did the stack of tiny creatures in the coat have perineum to gain entry?
They did have perineum, yeah.
And you mentioned a Glimering sack.
Yes, well, they had a sack on their back and it had a long thing sticking out of it.
Oh, it's their back.
Yeah.
It middles their back.
Yeah, well, you know, a sack.
And then it had a thing kind of like a long stem sticking out of their sack.
Guys, we did not ask if the spoon was metal.
If it was made of wood.
If it was like, it's really close.
I'm just going to run back because everything's so close.
I mean, how many giant spoons do you think there are?
Yeah, but how do you know what was sticking out?
Was it spoon-like, sir?
Well, I didn't see a spoon.
I saw, well, I mean, I guess it could have been a handle of a spoon.
Was there a gem on the end?
Yeah, yeah, there was a gem on the end.
How are you guys?
It was like a brown gem.
Yeah, like a chocolate diamond.
Like a prince chocolate diamond, Albert.
The prince chocolate diamond, yeah.
And what's the rest of it?
Was it like white, like a bone?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
That's it.
Where'd they go?
Point us the way.
Well, they went in through this cardboard tube into T8.
You just have to climb through the tube.
Right.
Well, I mean, we did bring the lubrication.
So we are ready to squeeze into T8.
All right.
Single file, please.
You don't want to expand the tube too much.
Fair enough.
Everybody else got it.
I'm a little claustrophobic.
I said habitat.
I'm a little claustrophobic.
I wasn't happy about it, ALex.
I wasn't happy about it.
A chute?
Yes, yes.
A chute instead of a tube.
Oh, yes.
Well, if you climb up the ladder there, you can take the chute right on down.
Excellent.
Yes.
Fantastic.
OK.
I want to be first because I don't want my face in anyone else's taint.
Oh, good one.
Yeah.
There is a connection there, isn't there?
Yeah, right?
It's the first time you've heard that.
Yeah, first time.
That's fantastic.
First time.
You guys, I made a joke.
And I went into the tube.
That's what it sounds like.
Yep.
Flanks, you're the first one through.
What's the first thing you see?
Well, when I come out of the tube, I'm immediately met with a rope ladder that
leads me up to the chute.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, yeah.
And I slide down the chute to get into taint.
All right.
Taint.
Taint.
Yes.
How dare you.
I'm sorry.
I like how you avoided the question of what's the first thing you see in taint.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, it was the ladder.
The rope ladder up to the chute.
When I come out of the chute, palm trees everywhere.
Everywhere, palm trees.
It's wild.
It was cloudy up until the walls of taint, but now it's just sun and blue sky everywhere.
Birds chirping tweetily deet.
Nothing like just straight up sunshine on taint.
It's a tropical taint.
Everybody walking around just bronze tanned.
Oh, yeah.
See, everyone's got these good taint tans around here.
Yeah.
I think they're like all better than Butzhole.
I'm going to say something a little bit mean.
I think that everyone in taint seems sort of more...
Attractive?
Yes, than in Butzhole.
Yeah.
It's everyone's so beautiful.
Look around.
I know.
I want to like take a picture with one of them.
I hear, though, that taintans are very sensitive.
Oh, yeah.
You got to watch what you say.
I heard that, too.
Yes.
Hey, you guys!
Hey, I heard somebody say they want a picture with somebody.
My name's Hillip.
I'm a character artist.
Would you like me to paint a sketch for you?
There's no time!
Oh, that's too bad.
You can paint and walk.
We can paint and walk, walk and talk like West Wing.
All right, let's do it.
Okay.
I don't think.
Have you seen many small creatures in a coat
carrying some things?
It could be a spoon.
Oh, let me flip back through my book.
See, I keep the negatives.
Do you have any pictures?
It's like carbon copies.
That's just smart.
Yeah, well, that way you can recreate later
and sell for more money.
I mean, not that I resell anybody's pictures.
That would be weird.
Why are there so many feet?
Well, people ask for different things,
and then they ask you to walk with them.
This one is just feet, though.
It was a group of foot wardrobes.
Sure.
I don't...
Is it language?
I don't understand.
Is it...
Well, it's Tiantian.
Foot wardrobe gnomes.
Tiantians.
What kind of paper you got there, Hylop?
It's stretched.
So this is...
I would have lost my headphones.
I didn't have my speakerphones.
So this one kind of matches.
So there was a tiny potato nose
sticking out from the bottom of this cloak,
and then there was little tiny feets.
You can see lots of feets.
This one, there was actually these feets,
and I didn't just draw all these feets here
for artistic purposes.
And then there was like this kind of face to it.
Can you describe it for audio purposes?
Okay, let me try again.
Touch it like that.
I've heard that sound to be all on these two things.
Well, yeah.
So did you perhaps see where this creature went?
The Jamboree.
Oh, is the Jamboree today?
Well, yes.
Same day as Pudding Festival?
Oh, well, they didn't coordinate.
They didn't get together and say,
hey, we're doing our festival for your festival.
That's a competition right there.
What's your RPP like?
Well, we've got six, six people so far.
That's it.
Well, I mean, now perhaps 11.
You have six people jamming up in your taint.
Six people?
Is it jamming up in our taint?
Yeah, that's right.
It's not bad.
It's not bad.
It's no buts hole, but it's coming along.
Apparently the sound didn't get picked up.
It was a lot of clicking.
A lot of clicking and squeaking.
Yes.
It will come through in the recording, though.
It's okay.
Oh, it's just that.
Sorry, I thought you guys couldn't hear us.
What?
No, it's just the clicking.
You've got to let us know if you're going to record things.
Yeah.
Okay.
Right.
This meeting is now being recorded.
See?
And I'm sketching it.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Carla picked the leave option.
Do you think that, guys, if we do this right, we could both see the taint jam festival
and also the pudding party on the same day.
Yes, it's incredible.
We should-
I have so much to write back on my postcard to my mom.
So could you point us to the jamboree?
Or I sort of faintly hear music sounds coming from as if they are being streamed through jam.
Well, I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine.
I had a little stretch of land along the sea-
Yeah, it's coming from over there.
All along this E.P line.
In times of pride, I know I tried, the money wasn't there.
But the bankers came and took my land and told me fair is fair.
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no.
strains
The government, they promised me a measly little sum, but I've got too much pride to
end up just another bum.
And I thought, who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone?
I'm gonna be a pirate on the river Saskatchewan.
And it's a heave ho.
Hi.
Coming down the plain.
And you hear this song.
So many hoes.
So many hoes.
As, uh, Hillup leads you towards the last Saskatchewan
pirates who are playing the jamboree.
I'm gonna have to call them, I guess.
The hoes?
The Saskatchewan pirates.
Oh.
You break into this room.
And by break in, I mean, Hillup kicks it in
with his abnormally large feet.
Oh.
So we're not good enough for you?
This is how hinges work in Tient.
You just have to kick them in.
You just have to kick in the hinges in Tient.
I always thought in Tient you should be more gentle.
More gentle.
You just have to, like, caress it, and it opens automatically.
Well, everybody's Tient is a little bit different, I guess.
All right.
That's very wise.
And you go in, and there are six people standing
around this band playing in the middle.
And the song continues as you enter.
Everybody make a perception check.
Oh my god, I get to roll.
It's the most useless roll, and we're
going to do that one.
Oh, I did roll a one.
Carla, get your own thing.
19.
Oh, wow.
Some people really take in the music a lot better.
And you see, because they're standing right there, is a.
No, I don't see them.
I'm looking down.
Everybody except for Yembo and Flanks.
I walk in and immediately turn around and look
at the wall for some reason.
Yeah.
Everybody in the audience sees this large cloaked figure.
The longer the audience focuses on them,
there's these tiny little mice and rats all around,
just clapping and stomping and singing to the song
and cheering.
And the cloak is waving back and forth,
and the other five people are also enjoying their time too.
And what's the band look like?
I mean, I can't see them.
No, we don't care, but can you describe them?
They have a very Canadian vibe.
They're all wearing denim and plaid tops.
Is there an axe in the background?
There is an axe, just because everybody's
drinking maple syrup and Molson Canadians, but not a sponsor.
And they're sitting in a canoe for some reason?
And they're sitting in a canoe.
There are beaver pelts everywhere.
Well, they're tired from portaging all day.
The canoe is full of the jam.
That's sort of how it's filtering through the jam.
The only restaurant is a Tim Hortons.
Oh.
Of course.
Naturally.
Oh, my god.
Canada would be the to ain't to an in.
I mean, as opposed to the buts all.
Yes.
We could be the sensitive in between.
That's fine.
Yes.
Oh, my god.
I mean, we're getting to some hard truths about Canada.
Look at us, hard hitting, like you think it's all ha-ha,
butt jokes, but really.
But truly.
It's the taint.
It's something, you guys.
Everything is another level with us.
Not just ass jobs and hoes, OK?
That's right.
Could I hear like a little bit more of the music?
I want to clap along offbeat.
Mm-hmm.
So if I could do that.
Just do one and three.
It'll be fine.
Like that, Tom.
It will have to be very purposeful offbeat clapping.
Yeah.
It's so hard to offbeat clap.
Have you ever tried it?
OK, everyone together now.
It's hard.
You're just doing a very compLex, syncopated rhythm
in your head.
You're doing a very compLex, syncopated rhythm.
It's fine.
You want more of the song?
Russ has had one.
Well, you think the locals, local farmers,
would know that I'm at large.
Or a different song.
It's up to you.
No, it's the same song.
They only know one song.
They're jamming on it, obviously.
But just the other day, I saw an unprotected barge.
I snuck up right behind them, and they were none the wiser.
I rammed their ship and sank it and stole their fertilizer.
I reach outside a moose jaw, spans the mighty river.
The farmer's passing so much fear.
Their stomachs are a quiver, because they
know I got my tractors waiting in the bay.
I'll jump the bridge and knock the pond and sail away.
This is our national anthem.
I don't know if the Americans know that,
but this is actually our Canadian national anthem.
And the large ship.
Oh, look.
Oh, I completed my activity goal.
With your offbeat clapping.
Between my offbeat clapping and my crochet,
I am nailing my fitness.
It's great.
So good.
There you go.
You've done it.
And as the crescendo of the song rings out,
the door slams closed behind you.
And the cloaked figure turns around,
and it's this bulbous-looking potato covered in these rats.
And it's got these sharp, fanged teeth,
and it's got the spoon in its teeth.
And from behind, you hear shrieks.
And up above on the...
Balcony.
Up above.
Balcony, sure.
Yeah, on the balcony, there are tons
of these red-fanged tomato people.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
It's more of a texture thing for me
as to why I don't like them.
Tom doesn't say shit for 45 minutes.
And then he comes in.
Tom, I love you so much.
Well, like, I don't know.
I feel about killing a whole bunch of small, like,
defenseless creatures and vets are...
Whoa, hold on.
Vegetables are fruit.
They're throwing themselves at you.
I'm not available right now.
Make a dexterity-saving throw.
I'm emotionally not available for this.
You don't make a dexterity-saving throw.
I know.
Make a dexterity-saving throw.
I'm actually sort of seeing someone already.
So, I mean, you're beautiful and round and red.
I keep rolling less than 10.
I rolled a three.
So they're throwing themselves at me.
Nathaniel, can you roll my roll for me?
Oh, Nathaniel rolled a six.
Rolled a six, right.
Roll the group's roll.
Everybody takes five piercing damages.
They latch onto you and begin tearing at your skin.
Oh, I hate this.
Oh, this is terrible.
The music was so beautiful.
It's so terrible now.
Next time, ALex.
For sure.
I hope they can catch up.
Oh, we all laugh amidst the moment of pain we're having.
That's right.
Well, they say laughter is the best medicine.
The potato monster in front of you begins to speak.
You have to take the spoon out of your mouth, man.
Do you want me to just take that spoon and then you could just...
The rats take it from his mouth.
Okay, try again.
They're listening.
We took the spoon so that they couldn't have their festival.
It was supposed to be the Jamboree, and they put the same day.
Okay, but who put the security deposit down first?
It's an important question.
You have to answer, legally.
Okay, yes, well, of course, I will.
Who applied for the liquor license first?
I will.
Get the books, get the books.
The rats scurry off and come back.
They're just contingent.
There's a blue binder and they're flipping through.
Let's see if they can have liquor in T8.
Back on the day that we...
Because we know calendars and how they work in Toriel.
It was on the first day of the week and then just 18, 10 days ago.
Oh, well, it was 11 days ago when Butts Hole booked theirs.
Well, that means that it was like a whole...
No, like...
18, 10 days was 180 days ago.
I mean, somebody better the math to it.
Well, I think you have a problem with your advertising as far as your festival goes
because if you couldn't get enough people here in 180 days,
whereas Butts Hole is full to the brim...
Butts Hole is exploding.
Yes, it's exploding.
You know what? Maybe you should have combined.
You could jam up their butthole a little bit and they could pudding on your taint.
We never thought of this.
Somebody roll a persuasion check.
Cat!
Yeah, Cat, now's the time.
Now's the time.
Be honest.
Oh, sorry.
I am...
Screaming.
I was going to say I am three quarters of a wine bottle.
17.
17.
17.
Wow.
Sharing is caring.
So are you like marketing specialists?
Uh, yes.
Oh, hold on.
I'm the potato in charge here.
I'm George Clooney.
Oh, my God.
You're a real potato.
Yes, I'm George Clooney.
Oh, wait a minute.
I thought you were just a jacket that looked like a potato.
You know, I'm the mayor.
I came in town, stole the spoon, and said they can't have their pudding festival,
pudding party.
Well, you did all that work yourself.
You didn't outsource or anything.
I mean, I have to really respect that.
I work with my people.
I knew George Clooney was a good-looking mayor.
I didn't realize you were such a spud.
I got eyes all over me.
Yeah, you do.
Well done.
Oh, man.
Well done.
Oh, God.
Kyle, I was drinking.
And I got that much closer.
I can't remember what we were arguing about.
It sounds like you made an excellent persuasion,
and I should probably take your word for what we're saying.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, you should.
Absolutely.
I'm turned around pretty much looking at the wall, man.
I'm here to learn.
You want to fight?
Oh, goodness.
A tomato bites you to piercing damage.
Well.
Sorry.
Yemple, you go.
Have you met Miss Mam-Meow-Meow?
Yes, I've met Miss Mam-Meow-Meow.
She's the one who...
And you don't...
And I don't?
Couldn't you just have said,
hello, it is me?
I am Potato George Clooney, yes.
I...
Well, me and Miss Mam-Meow-Meow,
we go way back, and there is some tension.
Oh, I'm...
Oh, was it like an on-again-off-again,
long time thing?
She was an old hash.
Oh.
I think I know why you have such hate
for the pudding-palooza going on over at Butzell.
You've been hanging out with these tomatoes,
and they've probably given you some pretty bad reviews.
So these rotten tomatoes are not good for you.
They're rotten.
Oh, yes.
They've been whispering bad things
that people have been saying in my ears.
Yeah.
And you've been listening.
Now you're a little hard-boiled.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well, I feel like, based on your arguments,
I've seen the light,
and then maybe we could make amends
with the pudding party
and the jamboree,
and it could be the...
Just because of how close they are, the proximity...
It's so close, and you could sort of set up
some booths in the forest
and to push the jam through
and have, like, a jam...
water slice.
And then the jam water slide and all my rat friends
through the tunnel into Butzell.
Yes.
Yes.
Just one small question.
Could you get these tomatoes to stop biting?
Yeah, it really hurts.
Hey, sorry.
Rotten tomatoes...
It's because they're so acidic.
It is quite painful when they...
It does.
That's part of the allure of having tomatoes as guard dogs,
is they bite,
but then also the acid gets in there,
burns the skin,
not so much as to, like, melt your flesh,
but just become irritating
for quite some time.
It's irritating.
It feels like I have eczema,
or I just...
We cut back to Butzell.
You are leading in, followed by
Potato George Clooney and his rat friends
and his rotten tomato entourage,
following, like, 10 or 15 paces back,
because they're on the outs with Potato George Clooney
at this point,
because of all the bad reviews
that they've been giving.
There's infrastructure being built,
cardboard infrastructure being built
above the forest,
and you come back to town,
carrying the spoon,
and the guard you were speaking with
sees you and calls out,
Hey!
Hey, they got the spoon!
Yes, we did.
Vince, do you want to give them their spoon back?
Oh, well, you...
I guess, I guess I can dig it out for you.
Here you go.
It's a spoon full of sugar.
Oh, wow.
Helps the medicine go down.
Ms. Miamiao!
No, you can stop crying!
Yes!
She comes over.
You found the spoon!
Yeah, it was actually kind of easy,
because there was, like, a whole trail,
like, a half a trail.
We actually just walked through the woods
for about five minutes, and then...
We could have never found it without you.
I believe you know Potato George Clooney.
Potato George Clooney.
Ms. Miamiao.
Maybe you guys have a lot to talk about.
Do you guys think they're gonna get back together?
Oh, wait, wait a minute, hold on.
Uh, Potato George Clooney.
Yes?
Mr. Mayor, here, uh, take this.
This will help you.
And he gives him, he gives him
a rolled up leaf
that he can, uh,
ingest.
Good night.
You could light that up.
Oh.
Okay, Cicero, 100% for sure.
I thought you were officiator,
and I thought you were gonna, like, marry them on the spot.
Actually,
yeah, Cicero's an ordained minister,
so he could marry them on the spot.
I really am.
That is fantastic!
I will do your wedding
and or your bat mitzvah.
Uh, you know it.
Yo, what's up?
You know it.
You're ordained ministers on the call.
Oh, my goodness.
At the premium cost of an email address,
you too.
Can you guys
both come up to Canada
for, like, our vow renewal?
There is a wedding coming up.
Tom's wedding.
Are you saying a joint wedding?
A joint wedding.
What you're proposing here
is that
we tie the knot.
Oh, my gosh.
Bring it back.
There it is.
There it is.
I'll have my wallet on me.
I do have the card though.
I also became a Jedi
knight through them.
Oh.
Oh, look at that. The force is strong with you.
We cut into the
church of Butts Hole, Butts Plug,
and...
It's a tall steeple
that's just off
of Butts Hole. Flared bottom.
For reasons. Nobody knows why.
And
Dens is standing up and
Ms. Mam-Meow-Meow and
Potato George Clooney
are staring deeply into
each other's eyes as Dens leads them
in their vows.
You,
Potato Kiss,
Georgianus,
Larichian
Clooney,
take you,
Marissa Madam,
Meow-Meow,
Meow-Meow,
in
wedded bliss
through fur balls
and hair balls,
through catnip
and catnaps
in
s...
Yes, Tom is in the closet.
Shh, Aaron. There's a wedding going on.
See sickness
and when she misses
the kitty litter box.
As long
as her nine lives shall live.
I do. I'm sorry
I left and started my own
town with all these rats.
I do.
I do. I do, Ms. Mam-Meow-Meow.
This is fucking beautiful.
Oh my god.
This is what love is.
Do you, Marissa Madam,
Meow-Meow,
Meow-Meow,
take Prophesicus
Georgicus Laranius
Clooney in
sour cream and chives
baked
and boiled
in tinfoil
or fried
as long
as the spuds don't grow roots?
Oh my god.
I can't even remember what we were fighting about, dear.
It's been so long.
Your
your potato
your fresh potato skin
feels so good on my paws.
Yes, I do.
Oh, well.
The power
vested in me
Oh, if there is
anyone who objects
to this
union
of cat and potato,
please speak now
or forever.
Hold your fleas.
And I stand up, but you can't see me
because I'm so small.
So I
take one step to
to the left
and it is I.
I'm gonna step to the right.
It's a time warp.
You put your hands on my chest and I bring my knees in tight.
Never.
It's I, Sullivan's Light.
Yeah, I object.
Why?
Why do you object to this love?
Listen, I had some free time.
I've been following you around
like all up and down.
Yeah, you miss meow meow meow.
Who else? I don't know this potato jackass.
I don't know him from Spud.
He's my love. Yeah, okay.
Whatever. But I've been following you.
I've been watching you set up this town.
I came to visit a while ago.
Did you watch every breath I take?
Every move you make. You were watching me.
I was watching you.
And what did you find out?
I found out that I still hate you.
You imprisoned me falsely and you like
totally set upon a whole shit storm
on my life.
Yeah, no, well you're wanted for murder.
That's not true.
Okay, well you've introduced a new problem.
Yeah.
Right at the end of our adventure.
Yeah, you're a fucking idiot.
And he walks up and he punches miss meow meow
in the face at the altar.
Open hand slaps her.
I'm not going to punch myself in the face.
Well, commit or don't commit.
I don't know, I can't tell you.
Listen, Sullivan.
Madame Meow Meow.
This event is not for being aggressive
against each other. This event is for
putting our differences aside.
Exactly.
Taint it.
I just left my body.
Exist as the character.
Yeah, it's me.
I just left my body.
I can't believe you just said that.
Listen, I had this whole thing
where I was going to come up here
and open hand slap you.
You did it. Yeah, I did that.
But what I didn't expect
was to fall in love with yourself.
No, I'm not in love with you.
Yeah, sure, of course.
You're in love with the potato guy. Yes, I am.
We're committing ourselves forever.
Well, I don't know, it seemed like you were
a little wishy washy. What were you going to say?
I was going to say I wasn't expecting
to see such a display of love
and caring
and just a joining of community
and just like
I don't know, like feeling my
whatever, get married. I'm not going to kill
you today.
Thank you.
Tomorrow we will duel.
Have your honeymoon.
I'm not a monster.
Dance, please continue.
I'm just going to go take a, excuse me, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Oh, Sully, over here. Hey, moot.
I didn't know you were here, buddy. Hey.
Yeah, yeah.
This has been a fun day. It's been like
quite the thing. I saw you going off
finding a spoon. Pudding festival, jamboree
wedding, it's all just happening.
I used to be a spoonerer, you know,
but I didn't want to insert myself.
I've been inserting myself
here in Butts Hole and I just didn't want
to just do the same. You know what it is.
I hear you.
We cut back up to the altar.
Well, does anyone
else want to object? No,
I think we're good. Get on with it.
Get on with it.
Slap someone else. Well, okay
then. Well, by the power
vested in
Butts Hole's
and taints coming together,
I now pronounce you
oh.
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, this is
this is amazing.
I now pronounce you
potato
and puss. You may
kiss your
kitten.
So much more
soft and gentle than I thought
you were going to do.
They embrace and everybody
begins to cheer and play
mickens from the back.
It's so beautiful.
Ave Maria
Ave
Maria
Ave
Maria
Ave
Maria
Ave
Bahama
Bahama
Ave
York
York
Exactly. Wait a second.
I was told there were
There was hoes in this house.
Where are the hoes in this house?
I believe we're in the right area codes for hoes too.
Oh, yeah.
We cut out to the pudding,
and Ms. Mad Meow Meow takes the spoon
and takes her first slurp and says,
All right, who's first?
Me, me, me.
And she begins to go around
with the giant communal spoon of pudding.
You don't get to hold it, do you?
No, she feeds you.
Picks a big scoop of the pistachio chocolate
pudding.
Chocolate?
It was established as the first thing,
and then pistachios were added.
And the layers change as you go deeper.
Oh, you guys, it's a layered thing.
Yeah, it is.
Oh, it's an aspect.
It's a jello pudding.
Everybody gets a slurp.
Oh, it's so delicious.
I'm so glad for this magic spoon
that keeps it sort of clean.
I resist a little bit.
But I taste some, and it's aggressive.
No, you should have it. It's delicious.
Don't sully the celebration.
This wasn't sully.
This was a fling.
All the kids are talking about
eating out of butt's holes.
So this...
Now we get to...
We've experienced it ourselves, right?
Like, check out my bucket list.
And as we fade up on the scene,
the last Saskatchewan pirate strikes a chord
with Flamikins Kinn singing a round of Ave Maria
at the exact same time,
and it works.
It's like Dark Side of the Moon
and whatever it matches up to.
Wizard of Oz.
And that's where we'll end today's episode.
This has been
Dumbgeons and Dragons Improvised Live Show
starring Amy More as Flanks,
Carla Maxted as Yen Bull,
Tom Laird as Moot,
with Kyle Clasett as Varnock,
Cicero Holmes as Dentz,
and Russ More as your Dungeon Master.
Dialogue editing and sound design for this episode
are by Charles Rousseau from Phase Shift Audio.
Find them anywhere.
At Phase Shift Audio
to bring your next podcast episode to life.
I'll link them down in the description
so you can find them.
Music and sound effects from Epidemic Sound
and music from Kavin MacLeod.
A huge thank you to all of our patrons
including our supporting producers.
You can support us and the shows we create
directly by visiting Patreon.com
slash Dumb Dragoncast.
And if you like what you heard today
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Details are down in the description.
Thank you so much for listening.
You have a great week.
We'll talk again very soon.
Dumbgeons & Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.