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previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons! We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast, and I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, and with me today is Amy More!
I am, I'm here! I am playing Thea Amastasia, a High Elf Druid.
And Tom Laird!
That's me, I didn't realize Russ was starting right then, so I hit record as he said the intro, so hopefully you have fun lining that up, Russ.
And I play Flint Firebeard.
And Karla Janow! Karla Maxted!
Karla Janow.
I pranked you because I didn't put my name in the thing, it just says Karla. Oh, you changed it.
Yes, I am also here. I am playing a character with no name, a.k.a. Beefy Boy.
A human fighter, among other things.
Mystery, mystery, mystery.
And also joining us today, a very special guest, Rev from The Crit Show!
Hi!
Yay!
Thanks for having me.
Thanks for being here, Rev.
Thank you so much for being here.
It's my pleasure.
Tell us a little bit about The Crit Show and what our listeners could expect when they come and just pop in.
Yeah, so The Crit Show is an actual play podcast, of course, and we focus on Monster of the Week and other Powered by the Apocalypse games.
In the first season, the hunters discover they have to go to other worlds to kind of get all the things they need.
And so our mechanic now is that when they go to a different world, it's a different Powered by the Apocalypse game.
And so they get to experience all these different games that exist by all these smaller publishers or independent publishers.
And one of the big things we kind of focus on is that in the first three or four episodes of that game system, we want to make sure you walk away, know how to playing it.
Now, as far as your character goes, we'll leave it up to you.
You can introduce them now or we can just find out naturally.
OK.
I'll say this much.
Her name is Margaret.
It's really all there is to know.
That's all you need to know.
That's all you need to know.
I have such a visual picture already.
Just hearing that.
Of a Margaret? Yeah.
Of a Margaret.
Everybody's got a Margaret.
My brain just went.
Is her nickname Marge? Margie?
Is she a standard lady?
Marge?
Yeah, could be Marge.
She is not a Marge.
She is a Margaret.
OK.
Good to know.
Everybody please be careful.
Where you don't have to be careful is over on Patreon, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Where when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you like today's patron, David Bennett.
David Bennett.
Thank you, David Bennett.
You're awesome.
You can find out more at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And now, fuck it, let's play D&D.
We hear the sound of creaking wagon wheels rolling over a trail passing through the misty forest.
The trail is slow as Tiny and Clip Clop pull Flint, Thea, Donnie and their new friend,
no name, Beefy Boy, closer to their final destination of Waterdeep.
At your current pace, you are approximately a 10 day away.
You're getting in the final stretch.
It's good.
It's been a long haul for you.
The fog is thick and the air is humid this night, more so than the group's last excursion through the misty forest.
Did anyone else think when he said no name, Beefy Boy, that it was probably a microwavable dish?
Oh, yeah, 100% now.
I had a lot of those when my wife and I were living in separate states.
To the last bite.
So it's been a few days we've been traveling.
Can I assume we have passed through a town and maybe I haven't weaponed myself?
Who would assume that sort of thing?
That is a pretty crazy leap, Carla.
Did you also assume we stopped for food?
I just wanted to make sure I didn't want to not say it and then have a weapon and somebody be like,
where did you get a weapon?
Aren't you borrowing a sword from Flint right now?
We'll say you stopped in a smaller town.
So what weapon did you procure?
So many.
You had no money.
It was a small town but well known for its weapon selection.
That's right.
Yes, exactly.
I have many, many weapons.
All right.
Well, I look forward to hearing about them each individually as you choose during battle to pick which one you are going to do.
Charm, wit, dashing good looks.
Oh no.
She didn't say there are physical weapons.
I don't have any of those things.
I have gray skin.
I'm modeled.
I probably smell a bit off.
I don't think I have any of those skills.
As you travel through the misty forests, Thea and new friend, the next account is quick, much faster than you can react.
There is a flash off to the right of the path, followed by the sound of a rumbling earthquake.
The trees are heaved up in all directions.
Earth explodes beneath your wagon.
You, your horses and wagon are sent crashing into a rolling wave of forces as your head hits the ground hard.
What the fuck?
Sorry.
Don't I even get to roll for head hit?
I'm sorry.
This is only happening to Beefy Boy and I?
No, everybody.
This is happening.
This is happening to everybody.
You just mentioned us specifically.
Because you have the highest perception.
Oh.
So you saw the flash and then.
Wait, so you think floating?
We're sleeping through it.
It never notices anything.
Oh, I see.
We saw the flash.
We noticed the flash before the earthquake.
Otherwise, there would have just been an earthquake roll at the top.
Okay, then the what the fuck I said from earlier counts for when I saw the flash.
Flint blinked right as the flash happened, so he totally missed it.
And made it for a really awkward photo.
All three of you roll a perception check at disadvantage.
Well, that's a nine, so good luck, Amy.
Let's see if I can roll a one.
Oh, damn it.
17.
Wait, perception?
Guys, I rolled two 20s in a row.
Yeah, you did.
It literally never happened before.
It was for a bullshit perception check.
18.
And I'm kind of mad.
Carla's new place is blessed.
Hashtag blessed.
Can I mail my dice to you?
Maybe you just like rub them around on the carpet and then mail them back to me.
Well, can you do it right before I'm going to move out just in case you curse my new life?
It's hurtful.
All right.
Sorry, Flint.
What did Flint do?
Oh, it didn't.
No, it still matters.
It doesn't even matter.
It was a four.
Okay, well, you don't see what I'm going to describe next.
It's a very, very long blank.
19.
Thea and new friend, you see a huge furry silhouetted figure leap over top of your
wagon and run off into the forest, followed by an enormous roar as you lose consciousness.
20.
Uncertain how long exactly has passed, you are shaken awake by a person.
Rev, who do you wake up first and who do they see?
I think I wake up Thea first and they see a woman in her late 50s, gray hair and a
large dark cloak.
She would be played by Betty White, like season six Golden Girls.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
But she's got a very ornate necklace on and a large shield with a crest of an eye on
the front of it.
Are you all right?
Mom, what?
It seems you took a bit of a tumble.
Who are you?
Oh, my name is Margaret.
It seems that you got in the path of the, well, whatever the hell this thing is,
I'm trying to track down.
I look around.
Do I see my buddies?
You see Beefy Boy and Flint.
You do not see Donnie.
What about the horses?
The horses appear to have been broken free from the wagon, but you don't see them.
What about the goat?
The goat is standing right beside Flint.
The goat is still with us?
Yes, the goat is still with us.
Perfect.
I take anything that's around me and I like throw it at Flint to wake him up.
I assume rock, hunk of dirt, something.
You're unconscious.
I'm going to whip a rock at your head.
Where do you hit me with this rock?
In the chest.
Relax.
Yeah.
Flint, wake up.
Yeah, I'm up.
What's?
Friend.
Friend.
Oh, hello.
Hi, Flint, Firebeard.
Oh, hi.
How are you?
I'm Margaret.
How are you?
I mean, a little surprise to be waking up.
Last thing I remember is I blinked really long and did I fall asleep?
Is that what happened?
Did you drive the car off the road?
Is that what happened?
I thought maybe you got in the path of I'm tracking this thing down, but did
you drive off the road?
Is that what happened here?
I mean, I don't remember driving off the road, but I guess it could have happened.
What do I see?
Like, are we in like a cavernous inside the ground kind of situation?
Are we in a ditch?
No, you're, I mean, it's clear where the trail and this earthquake have kind of
gone.
Like the earth is completely disrupted.
The trees kind of fallen over.
You can see the path probably like 50 yards on either side of you.
Like what a tremor leaves behind?
I mean, out of game may be something similar, but it does clearly look like the
the earth was disturbed off to the right, to the left, and then kind of dissipates.
And just to be clear, I'm talking about like Kavin Bacon tremors, not just a
tremor of the ground.
Yeah.
Okay, cool.
I mean, sure.
Okay.
I just thought maybe like we'd fall into a crack in the ground.
I wasn't sure how extreme.
Or maybe there was some sort of tractor race playing chicken.
I don't know.
Who are you?
Me?
Yeah.
Are you all right?
I've already, did you get a concussion when you fell?
Well, maybe.
Oh, no.
Well, I'm Margaret.
And you know what?
For the next 45 minutes or so, I'll keep reminding you, don't go to sleep.
Okay.
Because I don't want any of this to be permanent loss.
It's really kind of you.
Yes.
Well, I try to make sure we take care of, you know, those we come across.
Is everyone accounted for here?
No.
No one's woken me up.
I'm just still sleeping.
You guys don't care about me.
We just met.
It's fine.
We're just like taking care of the situation first, you know.
I understand.
I understand.
I'm new.
Have you happened to see a like gold wormling anywhere?
No, not in recent memory.
What about a really big horse and what would look like a small horse, but just a regular size horse?
Oh, is that what was pulling your wagon?
Yeah.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I didn't see anything except the overturned wagon here and the three of you.
I stand up and I go and give beefy boy a little nudge with my foot.
Nudge, nudge.
Oh, what was that?
That's what I've been trying to figure out.
You don't know what you're tracking?
No, I've talked to some folks around here and it's something they've never seen before
and I've never heard of, even the description of it.
Well, depending on who you talk to, it's 10, 15 feet tall.
Some say it moves like a gorilla, but it's got horns and a long thin tail
and wherever it goes, there's earthquakes and lightning storms.
I've never heard anything of the like and I've been tracking things down for quite a while.
Did you all get a good look at it?
I turn to Flint and I'm like, if we find it, can we keep it?
Earthquakes and lightning storms and you want to keep it?
Well, we got a dragon, we got a goat.
We got a beefy boy, we're getting a bit of a motley crew here.
Yeah, it's a whole menagerie of interesting creatures.
I reach out with my mind, Donnie.
There's no response.
Donnie Dragon.
I assume his last name is Dragon, right?
I would have to think so.
Still no response.
Nothing? Oh.
I yell, Tiny.
Make a perception check.
Oh, maybe something. Oh, no.
23.
Um, you don't hear anything?
Marker, are you a good tracker, would you say?
Yeah, I would say so.
You know, it gets the job done, but this thing seems to be able to jump really well
and just kind of vanishes and there's no constant track to follow.
Is there a reason why you're tracking it?
Well, I just heard I try to go around and, well, I deal with with monsters.
I just been, gosh, 20 years now, I've been just hunting them where I can find them.
And I was traveling and I heard about this one.
Some people were losing their their cattle were being mutilated and their houses were being destroyed.
And it seemed like good a place as any to try to lay the hand.
It sounds pretty noble.
Yeah, it's, you know, you get older and you start to do things to make up for past sins.
So this is a thing I can do fairly well.
Well, would you like a hand?
I have a feeling with disappeared animals that we might find them where we might find that creature of yours.
Yeah, if you're losing a couple, if you're missing a couple things, they may be with whatever this thing is.
I would hate to leave him alone long.
What do you guys think? I turned toward Beefy Boy and Lint.
Well, I mean, if Margaret's a tracker, then chances are we can get a track on this thing and maybe find out what it is.
Yeah, I really don't want something to happen to those horses and to Donnie.
I think I think we should probably lend a hand if we can.
All right.
Shall we shall we forward?
Should we follow this track in the ground?
Margaret, like, is there a track in the ground or is there like just an earthquake or it seemed like it kind of jumped over us?
Or what do we track?
Track wise, you don't see much of anything.
The ground is disrupted in the immediate vicinity.
As far as you two are concerned, Thea and Beefy Boy, you saw a general direction before passing out off to the left of the off to the left of the trail.
I would like to use my boots of levitation to levitate above the tree line and see if I can see anything from the sky.
OK.
When you smile like that, it upsets me.
Sometimes I just smile just because it's off putting.
OK.
It's a human emotion on your face.
Don't do it.
You do anything for that or is that just once per long rest?
I can't remember.
You haven't used it in a while.
I know it's a wondrous item.
When I wear these boots, I can use an action to cast levitate on myself at will.
So all right, I can just cast it.
What does it look like as you cast it?
I just see all upsies and I jump in it, push the air.
Oh, look at that.
Wow.
Nothing surprises Margaret anymore.
She's been in this game for a while.
You launch up and you oversee you see over top of the of the tree line.
There's a very clear direction where this explosion or earthquake or whatever it is started off to the direction that you saw it.
And it cuts clear across the path.
And then it goes another 50 yards or so in the direction where you saw the monster go.
And then the tree cover is left intact after that.
So it's pretty thick trees.
Misty as well.
Thick and misty.
Thick and misty.
That's how we like it.
I don't know where to go with that.
I slowly float down, not so graceful.
I'm not very graceful.
I've only used these boots like twice, I think.
And I feel like do you have to like kind of pull yourself?
You're levitating.
You have to like pull yourself down beside trees to get down.
I can only go up.
I think once I take cast levitate off, I just float to the ground.
But yeah, it's not graceful.
It's like...
Flint like reaches out to help.
I'm like, no, no, I have to do this on my own.
I'll never learn if you help me.
I point in the direction that we saw it go off.
And I was like, it goes about, you say yards or feet?
50 yards.
Okay.
So it's about like...
150.
That's what I was going to say.
About 150 feet or, you know, 50 yards in this direction.
But then the trees, they get so thick.
I don't know if it just stopped or if I just can't see anything anymore.
But I think it's a safe bet.
Let's grab our stuff out of the really useless cart now.
Should we put a sign on the wagon that says like,
this is property of the Decimators of Dragons.
Please don't steal me.
Do you guys kind of capitalize on your fame in that kind of way
so people don't steal your carts?
We generally try not to draw too much attention.
Yeah, that might make it a collector's item.
People might want it more.
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
Maybe we should just kind of pull it off the trail then.
Is it like busted up or is it just turned over?
Well, it's turned over.
It's damaged.
Would need to be repaired before you're able to get it moving again.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
Maybe let's drag it off.
Not a hot item for thieves.
No, but a collector's item for sure.
Sure.
Put it in the showroom, you know.
Water deep swapping shop.
Come up with a good story to go along with it.
Get someone to come in and do a little restoration video on it.
Pimp my wagon.
American Pickers, pimp my wagon.
Okay, someone write that down because that would be a fun bonus episode.
Yo, dog.
Oh, no.
Pimp my wagons today.
That guy.
Ludicrous.
No, it's not ludicrous.
I thought it was exhibit.
Exhibit.
That's right.
I mean, what?
I never watched it.
I have no idea.
I quickly Googled that.
I had no clue.
It's edited down for brevity, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
You start to head off towards the direction in which you pointed.
You travel for a good while before you come to anything.
Is there anything that you discuss with each other?
I'd like to talk to Margaret.
Hi, Margaret, is it?
Yes.
I know this is a strange question, but I don't really have a name.
I have many names.
I have a whole list of names, and I'm sort of hoping to kind of nail one down in these two.
It's been a week, and they still haven't come up with anything.
So I don't know, first impressions or anything.
So first impressions, I'm very tall and have straggly long hair and kind of grayish skin, and I'm real tough and strong looking.
But no pressure.
As I walk past you, I say, because you're too picky.
She's right.
They have made some suggestions, but.
You remind me of a Lexington that I once met.
I don't know if that sticks with you, but.
Lexington.
Lex for short.
I like that.
It's commanding.
Some of my problems were they were very long names they were giving me, and you couldn't shout it out in a battle with directions.
But Lex.
Thanks, Margaret.
Yeah.
But what do you want to be called for now?
Well.
Oh, beefy boys.
Why don't why don't we try out this Lex name?
All right.
Let's try it out.
Hey, guys, I'm going to we're going to try out Lex.
What do you think?
Lex Lex and Perseus.
Sounds pretty good, right?
Lex Perseus.
Perseus my rat.
Right.
Yes, sorry.
I was like as a last name.
I think sounds good.
I like it.
I think it's got a nice like strong sound to it.
OK, let's let's try it out.
Yeah, Lex and Perseus has got a good got a good duo feel.
So he still has his rat.
It didn't run away with all the other animals.
No, the rat is still on on his person because that's where the rat lives.
In like a pocket or something.
Yes.
True.
I imagine him maybe in like a pullover, like a hoodie, but with like the pocket in the middle, the kangaroo pocket.
Yeah.
Which is not very commanding at all.
Underneath the cloak.
Hanging out in a hoodie.
This is my commanding hoodie.
Oh, yes.
My bunny hug.
As you continue.
Sorry, go ahead.
As you continue, the trees get thicker.
And mistier.
Does Flint really like it?
Maybe.
The air is a bit moist.
And for a while, Margaret, you you saw you'd come across tracks having gone to cities before having gone to settlements that have been destroyed before.
So you were following some of those tracks and they disappeared like just abruptly after a point.
Yeah, this is this is the same damn thing that you can track it for a bit and then there's just nothing.
Cast around here a little bit.
See if you can spot any branches or I just can't quite tell how it's just seems to be vanishing.
I'm going to start looking around the area again at the ground and the trees trying to see if there's anything that might have been missed at first glance.
Sure.
You would like to do that as well.
I am also going to do that.
Margaret, you can make an investigation check with advantage.
Everybody else just make an investigation check.
I'm taking special care to look up because if its tracks disappear, maybe it somehow is a flying creature.
Fair enough.
That was a 17.
15.
I'm just pretending to look.
Sorry, 20.
You all are looking around for at least in the area where the tracks disappeared or Margaret told you that the tracks disappeared.
You see cracks and like branches that have been broken in some of the surrounding trees, but that doesn't go on for very long as far as distance goes.
The more you look around, are you all spreading out, kind of getting a survey of the immediate vicinity?
Probably.
I think so.
Look at each of your periphery, each of you.
You see at least one person off to either side of you.
But further just beyond that, the trees that you pass seem to take on an image of what could be an army marching next to you.
When you turn and you look at them, the trees go back to normal.
Guys, I think these woods are haunted.
Yeah, there's definitely something.
Are you seeing that out of the corner of your eye?
You just can't quite get it.
When I go to look at it, it just goes back to normal trees.
Do I know anything about magical woods being a druid and enjoying nature?
Make a nature check.
Carefully, Russ.
Is it a nature check or is it an arcana check?
What are you specifically trying to find out?
If I know of any lore of magical happenings in the woods, like a tree army.
You can make either a nature or an arcana check, however you decide.
23.
You know that there are many magics within the woods.
You haven't heard of anyone in particular about a tree army that looks, to what you saw in your peripheral, looked more humanoid.
And when you turn back, the trees were just trees.
There's nothing that you can think of specifically that would incite that.
You can hug a tree and cast Detect Magic.
Okay.
You cast Detect Magic and you hug a tree.
No, that's what you do.
That's what happens.
You cast Detect Magic and you hug a tree.
Now, it says you sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of you.
So you sense all of Flint's goods, all of your goods.
You sense anything that Beefy Boy and or Margaret are carrying, give off an aura of magic.
What about me just generally?
Do I have a kind of glow, a grayish glow?
Yeah, I think so.
I think so.
Beefy Boy, Lex.
It's actually Lex we're trying to try out.
I'm being so weird.
I'm hugging this tree and I'm like looking around.
Yeah.
Lex definitely does give off an interesting aura.
I stare at Lex a little bit longer than everyone I get all squinty.
And Margaret looks at Lex.
Is she communing with nature?
Is that how they do it?
I haven't seen her do this, but I haven't been with them long.
Maybe this is just how she does it.
All right.
I mean, I've been with her a long time and I've never seen this before.
Oh, this is new behavior.
This might be the concussion.
Glad I could keep you surprised, Flint.
Could be the concussion.
Could be.
There's nothing inherently magic about any of these trees.
So I don't know why they'd be seeing visions of things that aren't here.
Maybe they're not magical trees that are turning into people and then back again.
Unless they are.
And I start to tickle the tree.
Things are getting weird.
I apologize.
Does it giggle?
No giggle is perceived.
I take my knife out.
Okay.
And I tickle it a little harder.
I poke the tree.
It makes a chunk sound as you pierce into the bark on the tree.
Does the tree bleed?
Like a knife hitting a wood kind of sound?
Yeah.
Like metal on wood?
Does the tree bleed?
Just in the traditional staff kind of way?
No, like in the bleed your own blood kind of way.
There's no unusual tree behavior that happens to this tree that you are first hugging, then tickling.
And then stabbing.
She seems to be dealing with a very violent gamut of emotions very quickly.
Should we?
Is this normal?
Don't worry.
It's not going to escalate from here.
I just, you know, I had a sneaking suspicion.
Lex, can I talk to you for a minute?
Where are they going to escalate after stabbing?
That's a good question.
She's probably going to take her clothes off.
It's middle time.
Now we're here.
It's like the meat in the sandwich.
It's very, you know, yep.
Sorry, I didn't know my meat would throw you off so much.
Amy's metaphor really, really threw you off.
It's that time of the night where Rush has just given up and is agreeing with everything we say.
I mean, I gave up a long time ago, but that's okay.
We won't talk about that right now because those are episodes that will come out much later.
Looking forward to that.
But what we would like to talk about is how awesome you are and how much we love you for listening to the show as you do.
So thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's what keeps podcasts going is people listening to them.
And us.
It keeps us podcasting.
Yes.
I mean, we could podcast into the void, not knowing if anyone was listening at all, but it's so much better knowing that people are listening.
Yeah, it is a lot better.
Yeah, well, because that's what we're going to talk about is reviews and how reviews remind podcasters, not just us, but all podcasts that you listen to.
You should rate and review because it just reminds them that it's not going into the void.
And there are ear holes at the end of those those waveforms.
And yeah, so we want to read some of those reviews that we have received recently, like this one from Mercy Morris via Apple podcasts.
And they say, obsessive.
I haven't gamed for about 30 years.
I found this via Tanis, White Vault, etc.
I'm working my way through from the beginning and have got obsessed, partly because the storyline is good, but mainly because the players and characters are just so interesting and open to emotional investment by listeners.
It is also not irritating for a woman to listen to.
Thanks, humanoids.
No, thank you, Mercy Morris.
I totally get it.
I think that might be our best review ever.
I like it.
You know what?
As a woman myself, sometimes listening to a myriad of D&D podcasts, it can feel a little exclusionary sometimes.
And I mean, I tried to gear myself towards those that are less so and much more open for everyone.
But sometimes it can be because D&D for the longest time was just like kind of nerdy boys game.
And it's so not.
That's right.
Exactly.
All right. Next review.
This podcast rocks.
This podcast gets me through my work days.
The sometimes witty banter, other times hilarious outburst that drive Russ nuts at a level of appreciation to it.
I've been binging as much as possible because I want to catch up to the new episodes.
I hope Grancis comes back again.
I have made it to the never ending maze of pain.
And I can't stop now.
That is from F.J.F.J.H. on Apple podcast.
Little do they know, they're going to come and hear this episode and be like, I can't believe this is still in the maze.
Right?
This one is.
We are in the maze.
We're still in the maze.
That's the one.
I feel like sometimes I am in the maze.
I feel like every time I hear the word maze, I get like a little triggered.
Yeah, a little bit of like a little shiver runs down my back.
This one also via Apple podcasts from skim border OC.
It's called thanks for the soups fun cast five stars rated and reviewed before and happily here again to read the new storyline for the DDC.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
I have never just never seen it abbreviated before.
It's very funny.
I've always enjoyed watching characters develop from lower levels as well as players portraying a new role.
As I am without a group of my own knuckleheads, I listen to these crazy Canadians stumble and giggle their way through it all.
Feels like home game brings back the old feels.
Thanks for all the fun.
Oh, I like that.
That's nice.
I also like what a rad dude that person is.
Right.
Skim border OC.
Thank you all so much for those lovely reviews.
If you haven't reviewed us, we would love it if you did.
And we can find them very easily through Apple podcasts or Stitcher.
That's where they scrape from.
If you leave them somewhere else, I'll try and find them or you can just send them to me and we'll definitely thank you very much in some fashion like this.
You can always throw a tweet at us too.
You can always just email it in old school style.
Whoa.
Or send us a handwritten letter to our PO box.
We got that too.
Yeah.
No one's ever sent us anything.
We don't really ever.
No, we don't.
That's fair.
I'm just saying one day there'll be mail in there.
Since Amy mentioned it.
Well, I'm just saying one day there's gonna be mail in there.
My mind is going to be blown.
I don't even know if we get, I think we're supposed to get like a notification when something's in there.
I don't go check it.
You should probably check it.
I see we could have lots of things.
Yeah, we could.
If you could send something to our PO box.
Do you think someone sent us like an entire turkey dinner and it's just sitting in there going to waste?
Ross apologizes for not checking in.
I think they would call me at that point because it's linked to me.
Your PO box smells.
Like an old goat?
No, that's a little teaser for a future episode.
All right, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Hopefully enjoy the rest of this episode.
Hey, Rev's awesome.
He's in there too.
Make sure you go listen to the Crit Show.
Okay.
Bye.
Love you.
Bye.
We love you.
Lex, can I talk to you for a minute?
Yes.
Yes.
Of course.
Okay.
I take Lex to the side and I go, can I ask you a personal question?
Well, we did have a moratorium on those, but it's been a while.
So yes, of course.
Of course you can.
I put my knife away because otherwise this is just super threatening.
Yeah.
I noticed when I was detecting magic that, like, sure, we all have magical items, but
none of our persons are totally glowy magical, but you are.
Oh.
Am I?
Was I?
You are and were.
Oh.
I mean, I'm mostly covered.
I wasn't looking in a mirror.
I had no idea.
And how?
Hmm.
Well, as I believe I mentioned, I am a little undead.
Mm-hmm.
So it's probably related to that.
Okay.
We're...
Okay.
Okay.
I think I'm satisfied with that for now.
I'm assuming you went off to, like, a corner.
Of course.
Yeah.
Well, I didn't want to be, like, witch.
What's up?
Although I do think maybe we are surrounded by witches, but that's only because Russ
has burned us so many times before.
There's not always just witches in the woods.
There's usually witches in the woods though.
I don't know what you're talking about.
If we learned anything from playing with you or nursery rhymes.
Okay.
We get it.
Russ is a bad guy who puts bad witches and children in the forest.
I haven't introduced any of those.
True.
You're right.
What were Flint and Margaret talking about during this...
So you blinked and you missed it.
Yep.
And then you woke up on the ground.
Yep.
All right.
All right.
And where were you headed?
Back to Waterdeep.
Oh, business in Waterdeep, eh?
I mean, we're always just in and out of Waterdeep.
I don't suppose you've heard anything about this disturbance.
Are you through here a lot?
It's been the last month or two that there's been talk about this thing.
No, we've been on the road for the last little while.
We had to take care of Tiamat and then do some other stuff.
What now?
Well, yeah, we fought Tiamat and banished her back to the ninth circle of hell.
Oh.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
I assume we come back.
We didn't have a long talk.
Have we discovered...the tree turned up nothing, I assume.
Yeah, no, that was just kind of embarrassing for me.
We could just blow away past that.
Have we noticed anything else?
Margaret, make a survival check.
Two.
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
You do not survive.
Eight.
Nine.
Oh, all right.
It's much better.
There are these points that you add to the die roll, you see.
There are.
You got a Post-It note there?
I do.
Add your bonuses.
I've got the little clip marker guy up there and he's pointing at it.
I like it.
That's good.
We'll tack it on to your original one here, I think.
So you lost the direction of the creature, the monster.
However, Margaret, you did see more humanoid tracks going off in a couple different directions.
Nothing, nothing panicked or frantic, just like somebody has traveled through here recently.
Yeah, I haven't seen anything except these tracks here going off in that direction.
Are they fresh?
Are they?
Are they?
Yeah, within a couple days.
Just a few days old, maybe not fresh enough to be this thing transformed into some monstrous little child and wandering away.
So you don't think it's some sort of witch person who's turned into this?
Well, I won't rule it out, but it at least doesn't fall into that pattern.
Well, it's the only tracks we have.
I say we follow them.
Yeah.
Sure.
Just to clarify, we never saw, like, there was no horse tracks or anything.
Like, they were just gone.
The animals were just gone.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Sometimes we don't ask some pretty obvious questions.
We do a lot of assuming.
We do.
I mean, on the plus side, that might be good for your animals because all the ones that Margaret has come across have just been just mutilated.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Yes, I'm glad we didn't see that.
No news is good news.
Oh, God.
This is the episode where Russ murders all the animals.
I haven't murdered any animals.
What are you talking about?
Remember when I almost didn't get guacamole back?
Guacamole.
Don't even bring up stuff like that.
Guacamole was never in danger, not like you three.
Hashtag find guacamole.
So sorry, direction is to follow the footprints that Margaret found?
Yep.
Yes.
Okay, you do so.
You travel for another less than an hour.
And it's I said it was kind of evening dust, so it's getting to be night.
The trail, the light trail of a what you can presume to be a couple of different people eventually comes to a clearing in the forest.
Just as you're getting to the clearing, you see flickering light up ahead of you.
Well, this seems to be a good sign.
Maybe someone here saw something.
At the very least somewhere to stay for the night.
Yes, let's go say hello.
As you get closer and the trees begin to fan out a little bit, it's definitely a small settlement.
Only a few, not even not even huts, but just tents of sorts.
And it opens up into a clearing and you can probably count from a distance six or seven tents, a few people surrounding some campfires.
Those that are looking, probably Margaret, Thea, Lex, probably not Flint.
You see before you enter this clearing, you see that there are a couple of sentries just doing perimeter walks of this clearing.
Should we announce ourselves so we don't take an arrow in the knee?
Yeah, I don't think sneaking up on a settlement at dusk is the best route.
We should talk to one of the sentries.
Flint, you think that's a good idea?
Yeah, I mean, in case they're not friendly, be ready, but I think announcing our presence is probably a good idea.
Have you armed your goat?
No, Bill is going to rely on his jumping ability if there's any trouble.
Well, fair enough.
Do we know how big Bill is? Is it like a...
I know we talked about it.
Normal goat size or like a picnic goat size?
Adorable little goats.
Yeah, normal goat size.
Okay.
Okay.
We walk up to one of the sentries and from a distance.
Like, loudly, right?
Hello!
The sentry stops and is holding, puts his hand on his hilt and says, who's there?
Part of me just really wanted to go, tis us, the decimators of dragons!
But I don't.
It's not really your style.
Oh, hold up, hold up, just a moment.
We're just passing through and see if everyone was all right here.
We encountered something pretty nasty about an hour away from here and it was headed this direction.
Oh, okay.
He puts his hand down and starts to walk towards you and you see him kind of put his hand up and give a signal.
And the other sentry on the other side makes another signal.
And he walks towards you and says, what did you come across?
Well, they got kind of waylaid by it on a path towards Waterdeep.
Do you want to describe your experience to him? Maybe he's seen something like it.
Well, there was a flash and then this sound in a giant creature and then an earthquake.
And then we were all knocked unconscious as we flew out of our wagon.
It was really not the kind of creature you'd think would just disappear afterwards, you know?
We haven't really been able to find any tracks.
You know anything about that?
We have heard of creature attacks in the area.
In fact, we were hoping to track it down ourselves.
Interesting that you come this way and said it was headed in this...
Did you say that it was headed in this direction or did I infer that by you walking this direction?
Well, we lost its tracks and then saw what must have been tracks from someone here and it was all we could see.
So we thought better to ask whoever was at the end of the tracks than just wander aimlessly in the woods.
Of course. Yes, well, it's...
Yes, come in. It's getting late.
We can set you up with some food and some shelter for the night.
Have you heard much of the monster before seeing it today?
I feel like we all look at Margaret.
Yeah, I've heard a bit about it. I've been tracking it.
You said you're hoping to find it down.
Are you some landowners around here or wanting to preemptively find it?
Yes, well, we're a group of mostly farmers and other trades types who are just trying to protect our families
and followed as many tracks as we were able to find, which led us here.
Interesting. When was the last time you encountered anything, either people who had dealt with it
or has anyone, have any of you even laid eyes on it?
Not all of us. Some of us have seen shadows, silhouettes.
Wherever it goes, it leaves destruction.
It's like it shoots lightning from its maw, its mouth, and buildings burn. It's a terrifying sight.
And I think I look over my shoulder at the group.
In the travels you've had, you said shadows.
Have you seen figures in the trees or things just outside of your vision that when you turn they're gone?
You see him kind of take a breath, take a moment, and he coughs and clears his throat and says,
No, we don't believe in any such sort of child stories.
We tell those to keep our children from wandering too far, but never seen anything quite like that.
What's your name?
Christo. My name is Christo.
Christo, we're happy to come into your camp and chat with you a while,
I just want you to know that idea of these are stories we tell our children, things like that don't exist.
That's going to get you killed.
So wipe that idea out of your head because all the things that you think could be out there are out there and worse.
And she turns and walks into the camp.
Make a persuasion check with advantage.
I'm persuaded Margaret really crushing it with the fireside stories.
She's got a microphone under her or not a microphone, a flashlight.
Twenty three.
Oh, yeah.
You turn and walk, but you feel that he is afraid for how commanding you are and what you're saying.
And the three of you see just his face go white like the blood leaves his face.
And he waves you this way.
We'll get you some food.
You head into the camp and it is majority men.
There are a few women among the ranks, so to speak.
As he said, they all appear to be not.
They all appear to be untrained.
They all have crude weapons, some rusted, just kind of what they scrounge together, makeshift, slap together shields.
And they're sitting around telling telling stories as they see you walk up.
And Christo says, well, these these fine.
Four.
Sorry, I didn't catch all of your names.
I don't think, but it's Lex Lex.
Yes, he is.
Thea.
Thea.
Flint.
Flint.
Margaret.
Margaret are here to tell a scary story.
No, are are here.
They're tracking the beast that we are tracking.
And hopefully it seems like they might be able to help us.
And at the end of it, you'll all get your tracker.
Boy and girl scout badges.
And next we'll go on to s'mores.
They kind of look to each other.
Sorry, I have a dark sense of humor.
You know, we're going to find this thing.
It's going to be fine.
Yeah, it's going to be fine.
It's killed some of our families.
OK, it'll be fine after we kill it.
But obviously there's been some tragedy.
Somebody stop me.
So not a mass situation where it's somebody stop me.
It's a legitimate cry for help.
It's a scream from the eyes, not so much to the voice.
OK, perfect.
Yep.
Somebody jump in here.
You sit down around the fire and you're
brought bowls of stew that they've been cooking up.
And just kind of leave you.
You're interjected telling each other's
tales, which more or less corroborate with each other.
And then you're left to just the foursome for a moment.
These people set out with nothing but a bunch of gardening tools.
Yeah.
You know, I was just trying to I thought maybe he was one
of the less trained people since he was kind of on guard duty.
But it seems like he's the most trained and yikes.
Yeah.
I think it's maybe good we came across them.
This thing seems pretty deadly and they're just out here.
Yeah.
He said with gardening tools.
Also, did anyone notice that he like kind of paused before
he responded about the shapes in the trees and said that's
just a fairy tale.
What's that?
What's I mean, what's going on there?
Fucking lies.
That's what's going on there.
I don't think he's comfortable standing in his truth yet.
Lex, that's so deep.
But they seem trustworthy.
Don't you think?
They seem like a liability.
Well.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I'm not entirely sure how to proceed.
It kind of seems like this creature attacks at random.
Has there been anyone like gotten out a map and pinpointed
the specific spots?
And is there like a cork board with a lot of red string
and thumbtacks?
I feel like it would be fair to think that Margaret has,
at least from the attacks that she's the people she's talked
to, that she's got a map with markings on it.
Sure.
Yeah, definitely.
What could you discern from that?
Does it spell out?
Look in the north quadrant of the woods.
Or is it like a pentagram and it's the middle of it
that we need to go?
Anything really clear like that?
Just a bunch of arrows pointing toward one spot.
Or it's in a perfect circle.
We need to go to the center of it.
Yeah.
From what you've been able to gather, like the settlements
within the Misty Forest are spread out.
They mostly jut off of main trails that cut through.
And in the last couple months, you've been able to track down.
You've been probably hearing stories of it for the last couple
of months.
How long have you been actively traveling?
I think how long would it take to travel around these woods?
A tracker like yourself, probably not as long as others.
But we'll say it might take you to get to all of the
settlements, probably the better part of two or three
months to go through the entire thing.
I feel like maybe three weeks so that I'm just kind of
completing part of the first arc through the area.
Yeah, so the ones that you, the stories that you've heard
from settlements that haven't been hit have led you to where
you've come across ones that have.
And there is no real line.
It's not like this creature is going from point A to point B
there.
They show up near the edge of the forest and then deep
within.
And the timeline that you've been able to kind of
structure together from half stories and hearsay and a few
people who have actually seen these events is it pops
quickly and seems to not leave much of a trail between.
Yeah, there doesn't seem to be any real pattern at all.
It's actually hearing you all talk about the liability
here of these people.
I joked earlier about it being someone.
I wonder if we could talk to these people and maybe fill
in more of this map to see where they're from.
See who they know that has been hit.
Maybe there's some common connection between all the
people.
That's a good idea.
Good of an idea.
I feel like you're the expert on this one, Margaret.
So I do have a feeling like so odd that there are no
trails or tracks after a certain point it just
disappears.
Maybe this creature is using portals or can teleport.
Portals would make sense.
When a portal pops into existence, is there a bright
light?
I mean, could that be the light?
Or people have said they've seen lightning coming out of
its mouth.
I guess that's.
Well, at the same time, we know dragons who can do
that.
Well, and sometimes people come with the first
justification they can for something they see to
let their mind rationalize it.
But yeah, let's talk to these folks and see if they
can fill in any more information about the where
and how of this thing.
Did everyone just kind of like saunter off to bed?
Are we best to do this in the morning?
We're just going over and kicking tents down.
Get up.
We've got questions.
Bring out your dad.
Yeah, no, it is very late.
It's kind of last last serving of this meal that
they were last to call as you approach.
So people have kind of filtered off.
Christo, before you started talking, designated you
or made room for the four of you within a tent.
You see a couple guards kind of doing watch
perimeter.
Looks like Christo has swapped out.
There are a couple people around in the in the
camp.
But all in all, most people are asleep presently.
Did he did he give any sense of what they were
going to do in the morning?
They packing up and moving on because this is
just where they stopped.
He did not specifically say judging from how the
camp is set up, you can probably guess that
they've been in this location for at least a
couple days, if not longer.
They might be using it as a as a go between as
they go out and search the area.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I don't feel super comfortable sleeping with
their air quotes sentries out guarding.
Should we take turns joining, joining the
watch?
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, I think I might sleep better.
I'll go first.
OK, I'll take second watch you wake me up.
I wild change into a dark gray winter wolf and
you're going to give him a heads up on that
or they're going to.
Oh, shit.
No, I don't think the ever really does does
she.
Like I do things.
I love it.
But I mean, it's dark and I don't do it inside
the tent.
That's good.
I think I walk out and as I'm walking up out
of the clearing, I wild change.
OK, so you're going to wild shape, not tell
their sentries that you're doing this and
they're not very good sentries.
It is a very sneaky creature.
Probably fine.
It just it's a wild choice.
A little test.
People are looking for dangerous, wild, furry
creature.
But you're right.
This kind of feels brand.
She just kind of does what she wants.
OK, so you can.
Yeah, sure.
That's what you want to do.
Great.
Everybody else is going to sleep presently.
Yeah.
OK.
So you wild shape.
And how how are you patrolling?
Are you within the clearing?
Are you going within the trees?
What's what's your mode?
I think I'll go within the trees and I will
stealthily just kind of track around this
clearing further out, keeping myself kind of
between the sentries.
Like I'm not like following one.
So, you know, actually trying to be
inconspicuous and not threatening.
OK, make a make a stealth role.
So you're going to be stealthy.
Let's do that.
Excuse me.
My God.
Well, it's only a seven.
OK.
You get out to the track, crack, crack,
crumble.
Haven't been a wolf in a while.
Sorry.
Snap branches, crack wrestling of bushes.
You do you go out and you you think
you're being super stealthy and then
sleek slinking along.
You catch one of the sentries.
Unsheathing their sword and walking
towards where they're hearing some of
this noise coming from.
I say, Hey, it's me, Thea.
Oh, OK.
Don't come any further.
I'm naked.
Oh, OK.
Something druids like to do in the
woods.
Right.
You might hear me wrestling around.
I hear everything's fine.
OK.
Sword sheathes back and he keeps
walking.
It's weird.
These aren't good sentries.
Weird people, weird group.
You continue through the trees.
Make it.
Are you?
Yeah, you're actively.
Yeah.
Make an investigation check or a
survival check.
Can you smell anything with your
keen wolf nose?
It says I have well, my perception
checks that rely on hearing or smell.
I have advantage on.
I didn't say perception.
I know you didn't.
I was answering Carla's question.
Investimigation.
I assume that's my.
I mean, I forgot you're a wolf.
It's probably going to be
perception.
You actually thought I was just
out in the woods naked.
You believed it.
I believed it.
That was such a good lie.
I was very convincing.
You want it to be perception?
Yeah, with advantage.
OK.
Yeah, because you're smelling it.
That's an 18.
And that is not.
It was a two.
It wasn't a crap.
Yeah.
Run relax.
You do almost a full walk around
the perimeter of this clearing.
You get to a certain point on one
side and you you hear movement,
gentle movement up in the trees to
one side.
When you look, you don't you
don't see anything that jumps out
at you.
You have you smell some sort of
musty odor at the same time.
When you get back around to the
other side, carrying your perimeter,
you see out of your peripheral
again, the movement in the trees
that you saw earlier and it
smells.
It smells like a is fresh in your
mind.
Probably it smells like a
battlefield.
Dried blood.
And as you turn and look, the
scent disappears and the
movement stops and you just see
the trees again.
I want to try to actively not
look.
So, you know, how you're
trying to see the illusion.
So you have to unfocus your
eyes and pretend like you're
not looking for it.
Yeah.
Magic eye.
I want to do that again and see
if I see it.
Okay.
In the same spot, you do so.
You look at your nose and
I make that face.
Unfocus your eyes.
And you begin to see the
movement again out of your
peripheral and that smell
wafts back to you.
But because it's out of your
peripheral and because it's
dark and because it's
shadows, you don't really get
a good look at any of the
people or humanoid creatures
that you can kind of see out
of your peripheral.
They don't look like they're
walking towards you
necessarily, but they look
like they're marching by
going in a singular direction.
I want to say, I want to
say something.
I want to say hello.
Who's there?
Do I notice any of them
like stop or even recognize
that I've spoken?
There's no response.
The it feels like she's
seeing a memory.
You, you carry on for the
rest of your watch.
And as you're just finishing
up, you see a flash coming
from the center of the camp.
It's bright.
It's blue.
And then there's an
eruption.
One of the tents ignites in
flame and crackling
lightning.
Chip.
You hear screaming, which
wakes all of you.
You run out and you see
standing amidst the rubble
of this tent, fire jumping
to the other ones.
A close to what you could
presume 15 foot tall
gorilla like creature
hunched over.
What is that?
Gray and brown fur, huge
hulking hands.
Its hind legs look more like
a dog's legs.
Has a long ape like snout
with huge horns and spikes
coming down from its chin
and horns that stretch out
probably 10 feet.
It turns and it looks to
your group.
Its eyes flash a deep,
dark red.
And then you hear from the
trees the sounds of apes
as this thing that you see
before you hits the ground
with both of its hands.
And the ground erupts,
throwing dirt and debris
and tents and people all
over.
Everybody make a dexterity
or strength saving throw
in that moment.
Do I have to if I'm on
the outside of the camp?
You're on the outside.
So sorry.
Question for you.
Yeah.
So I have a crossbow of
light warning that makes it
so that even when I sleep
I can't be surprised.
So that would have gone off
just as the
just as Thea would have
seen the light.
So you might have come out
just a little bit before that.
OK.
But you didn't sense
anything prior to that.
Yeah.
So the whole reason I asked
that is that like seeing it
appear and knowing it's
MO, would I be able to
instead of trying to avoid
this explosion from underneath
us?
Could I activate my winged
boots and take off into the
air?
Yeah.
Totally.
Yeah.
So yeah, you won't have to
make that savings for
everybody else though.
Twenty two also.
Wow.
Margaret was super
not impressed with your
levitating boots earlier in
the day.
Now that I'm on the outside
going, oh, she's got tricks
of her own.
OK.
I also got a 22.
Oh, we're very strong.
OK.
I would have killed that
so hard and I would have been
unconscious for the entire
battle.
So it's a good thing I went
home and watched first again.
Double King Cust within one
day.
It would have been very
dangerous.
Can you imagine what kind
of horrific things I would
do to the trees?
Somebody stop me.
So you are each knocked
back from your position,
Flint and Lex, by 10 feet.
But because you saved,
you're not knocked prone.
And as you hear from
within the trees, you're
not knocked prone.
You're not knocked prone.
You're not knocked prone.
You're not knocked prone.
You're not knocked prone.
You're not knocked prone.
You're not knocked prone.
You're not knocked prone.
We hear more from within
the trees, more ape noises.
And as you look and turn,
you see another flash of
lightning and you look back
and the ape creature before
you is gone and charging
out are
orange and black
monkey like creatures,
but their faces
have beady red eyes
Snouts a fucking mushroom on its tail and some of them are carrying mushrooms
That explains a lot it's the mushrooms that's what's doing it to all of us always
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