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previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm gonna pull out my war pick, cause Hilt's acting like a total weird beard.
You see, um, moot bleeding out inside.
Oh my god, you guys, what's going on?
And I start untying them, like, I thought you were just outside and you were evil and
you were trying to kill me and-
Where is that handsome bastard?
I'm gonna punch his beautiful face in.
They're both unconscious, I think, but I hope someone can explain what's going on.
He was going to stop my people from living.
Uh, I'm gonna cast Magic Missile.
Hylip, how do you feel about teaching Zumba?
Are you talking about just, like, cover while you do the thing?
Cause I could, I could fill in.
Yeah.
Why don't you try and run the class tomorrow?
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast, and I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, and
with me today is Karla Maxted.
That is me.
I play Norixious Akra, better known as your Zumba superstar, Glim.
And Tom Laird.
That's me.
Uh, yeah, no real aerobics credits to my name, but I play moot.
And Amy More.
Yeah, that's me.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Yep, that's me.
That's as good as you get.
Uh, and I play Sullivan Sleight, and did I have to just look at the name?
I sure did.
Also with us today, two very special guests from the North by North Quest podcast, it's
Tiffany and David Alvort.
Hello!
Hello!
Yay!
Welcome!
Yes!
It's so fun!
We're excited to be here!
We're gonna cause so many problems.
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be great.
Any resemblance of to a functioning world that you had going into this episode will
be gone by the time we're done.
It's gonna be fine.
Little did I know, two seemingly inconsequential characters held the key to destroying everything.
I mean, it's always the quiet ones you don't expect.
Touche.
I say that, we're probably not gonna be quiet.
I just wanna say, I think every time we've guest starred or have had guests on, something
really pivotal has changed.
Good.
Like going to an alternate timeline and Flint ending up with an alter ego soul within him.
Right.
Yeah.
Good.
I can't think of a second example.
We got our team name.
Yep.
We forced someone to name us.
We forced someone to do that, but it still happened and was, you know, pivotal.
See, when you have guests on, you try and put your best foot forward, and that
foot usually means big plot changes.
Yes.
Oh, I thought that was why I was wearing my robe.
This is me putting my best foot forward.
It's a good foot.
I thought this was just a shopping episode.
We aren't just going to fantasy cosplay.
It could very well be.
We'll soon find out.
Where you can find out about a whole bunch of other cool things is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, and when you are a patron of ours, you
get an episode dedicated to you like today's patron sketchy ding dong.
Thanks, sketchy ding dong.
Thank you for your name.
I didn't realize Amy was sponsoring our own podcast.
I feel so honored to be on sketchy ding dong's episode.
Yeah. Wow. Right.
I was just going to say, don't make me laugh, but it'd be like a really terrible,
terrible episode of, you know, just deadpan the entire time.
No laughter.
No laughter, you guys.
Keep it. Keep it clean.
It's sketchy, ding dong.
Fantastic.
Check it out. Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Fuck it. Let's play D&D.
Yeah.
Yes. Let's do this.
It's a bright and sunny day in Waterdeep.
The city is bustling with activity as another wave of caravans gets ready
to move more people back out of the city into their homes across Faerun.
Everyone from beggars to adventurers can be seen haggling or bartering
for the best jobs or passage out in hopes of starting over.
And we land upon one such deal as we see a caravan owner talking
with two armored individuals, a tall human male and a rainbow feathered
Root, Root, have we gotten the caravans set up yet?
Uh, yes. Yes, sir.
Yes, we did that.
We got it right here.
Did you get the man paid?
Oh, you had one job, Root.
I'm I'm still new here.
I don't know how everything works outside of Makah Valley.
Yeah, well, you've been using that excuse for a while.
And what am I doing paying you in Birdseed?
Because this doesn't your performance appraisal for, you know,
your squiredom in this exchange program is very questionable.
It's been three days.
Yes. Well, that's two and a half days too long in my book.
I didn't get to where I was on three day excuses.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. And you just digging through,
digging through their bag to try and find the pouch of silver
and gold that you gave me.
As the tall human just looks off in the distance with his
fists on his hips.
That's a good pose.
I know it's really becoming pay the man.
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
OK, here.
Thank you. Thank you, Root.
You're welcome. Yes.
Yes, thank you. You two are very interesting characters.
Oh, we've been there our whole life.
Well, I've been here three days.
I mean, you came walking over here looking for a job,
but now you're paying me.
Yeah, well, I mean, you're the caravan leader, right?
Wait, wait, he's paying.
We're what I thought we were hiring him and switch.
Get on board, Root.
Give him two gold. He gives us two hundreds.
You see, then you get five friends and you give them two gold.
They give you two hundred.
I don't think the math checks out.
It's what the sketchy rogues have taught me.
Why are you learning from sketchy rogues?
Because I'm throwing you under the bus if I knew what a bus was.
OK.
I don't know what a bus is, but look, I need some guards here.
I don't know about you two specifically.
You haven't given me much to go on here to say that you're very reputable
in the skills that you have put forward here.
Let me look at your resume.
Well, he's a very great knight.
I mean, they wouldn't have put me in the Squire Exchange program
with him if he wasn't real great.
Knight of the Realm. Round. Knight of the Round.
Round, Root. Round.
I'm trying.
Unnamed, unraced, disclosed merchant man.
What would put you more at ease about us?
Well, my name is Hamick.
I'm a dwarf, as you see.
OK. Nice to meet you.
I'm Squire Bertie Lemieux.
Nice to meet you, Squire Bertie Lemieux.
You're a very interesting character and you hang out with very
forward individuals here.
Well, it's kind of a job.
So what what what we need here is we need these these caravans.
You see here these wagons here? Yes.
Count four of them.
Four wagons.
They have a whole bunch of stuff that we need taken to Daggerford.
You know the place?
Yeah, we've been there before.
Well, I've been there.
Bertie, Bertie. Yes.
Root. Yes.
Have you been to Daggerford before?
I've been here three days.
Answer the question, Root. No.
OK, I know of where you're talking.
My bird squire does not.
But we will make it work for you.
Your four wagons, not three.
Didn't miscount earlier.
We'll make it there safely.
Perfect. Perfect.
So for this job here, I've got let me see.
He reaches into a satchel and pulls out a bag and gives it a bit of a shake.
Says it feels about like five hundred gold here now.
The roads have been safe.
But word is that there could be something happen in near Daggerford.
I'd highly suggest you finding some recruits
to help you along your way.
Oh, we need extra help.
Now there's something on the road.
Is it something like a block party or a monster attack?
Because specificity, man, this makes a difference on the talent that we recruit.
That is true. That is true.
Do you need a belly dancer?
Oh, oh, a cousin of mine can do that.
Very cool.
Not exactly what I think we're looking for here.
The rumor is that maybe some goblins have moved in somewhere along the way,
turning up a little bit of trouble towards our neck of the woods.
Those turnt up goblos got the worst.
I hate a turnt gobble.
What are we going to do about this route?
Whatever will we do?
Well, apparently we have to hire people
to help us.
That's what the man just said, sir.
Turnt goblins.
We cut we cut away from the caravans
and we we joined back with our friends Moot, Glim and Sully,
who what are you doing at this very moment?
This is several days after.
This is several days after your previous incident. OK.
So. I guess maybe just a speed round of how you wrap that up.
I mean, probably we just left that mausoleum and never looked back.
Yeah, I think we just walked out of there and left the mushrooms,
left the dead bodies and just kind of about the mushrooms.
We should destroy the mushrooms.
I don't care about the dead body so much.
I put it I put out of order sign on the mausoleum door. Great.
OK, so there's a massacre inside the mausoleum,
a burnt patch of mushrooms, two dead bodies,
an out of order sign on the mausoleum door.
You've now packed your things.
As last discussed, you were getting ready to head towards
Timanthir, which is to the.
East. So you packed your things.
You know that at this moment, there are several caravans
packing up and getting ready to move back out into Faerun.
Could be a good opportunity for you.
I feel like I probably after having to kill
a bad fake lump person,
I still probably went back to the temple and like
spent some time contemplating and communing with Bahamut to like.
Cleanse that from my sort of absolution.
But now I'm ready to go.
Sully totally went to a to a tattoo artist
and got like a little too ex like dead face tattooed on
his side womb. Oh, scar.
Still so much love for him, even though he turned evil.
There's so many insane words that are being said right now, it's amazing.
How about Moot?
Moot has been reading through
magic textbooks that he's been able to read at the library.
But everything seems a little out of his grasp at the moment.
Not enough pictures, not enough pictures at all.
Well, time for us to start questing then.
We're ready. You've you've you've borrowed your books
with the intent to maybe someday bring them back
and you find yourself standing.
Bright faced, ready to face the day at the edge of water deep.
As you overlook many, many caravans and wagons,
all packing up and getting ready to go.
So do we just like any mini money Moses business?
Well, why don't we let's look around and see if any of these like
speak to us and then also go and speak to them
and find out if they're going the right way,
because we're looking to go east, you think?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's your hometown.
Sorry for my hoarse voice.
I screamed a lot, you know, when you when you get a tattoo
on on your side, it really hurts.
Yeah. Well, and you're nursing some deep emotional wounds, too, so.
Sure. Yeah. Tattoo on the scar tissue.
How's the what what made you decide to get it there?
Well, I'm just like really brave.
And it's always to remind me, like, never trust anything
that comes at you that isn't from a hole that was naturally put there.
Oh, yeah, that old saying.
Good words to live by.
Good words to check out.
You hear a voice from behind you.
Hey, you crazy kids.
I forgot to ask you that one question.
Oh, you guys go faster.
Wait, don't look back.
Good. Just wait back.
Look. Hi, Hillip.
Yeah, Glam. You kill him.
I can't I can't.
Hi. Hi, Hillip.
We're just leaving. So we. Yeah.
No. Quick question.
Just because you've handed off your Zumba classes to me,
I just want to make sure that I do it right.
So what time is check in?
Oh, it starts starts very early.
So you need to be there at about seven thirty.
Oh, shiz. OK, that is very early.
I will maybe first class change, change the schedule.
But that's for me to figure out.
Don't worry. You're in charge now.
You're in charge now, Hillip.
I know you're going to do a great job.
I'm sure we will see you guys next time you come back through here.
And I will make sure that we grow this Zumba Empire.
I mean, and and talk about Bahamut.
Then talk about Bahamut. You gave me those those notes.
I handed you those nice those nice pamphlets about the is the watch tower.
And then there was also right.
Yeah. So read those and then you'll be ready to teach.
Cools for school. All right.
I'll go check it out. You kids have fun on the road.
Don't take any
funny candies.
We'll we'll try not to sing from where I come from.
Don't don't take any funny candies.
OK, you don't beat any old ladies up for baguettes again.
I won't do it again.
My friends.
Bye, Hillip.
You turn and walk in and you see several people.
Tons of people, actually.
But everybody make a perception check.
You or just yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you too.
OK, well, I got a six.
So five. Oh, wow.
We were so right on board with each other.
I got a four.
I think we were just trying really hard to get away from Hillip.
I think so, too.
It's just important. We're not really looking.
We're just like briskly walking away.
Yeah. How about Damien and Bert Bert Bertolmew?
Bertie Lemieux, Bertie Lemieux, Bertie Lemieux, 10.
Damien got a 17.
OK, that's my one good roll of the night.
That's awesome.
You three begin walking in like not really knowing where to start.
Damien, you just finish up kind of your conversation
with the the caravan runner owner.
I and you your eye is drawn to three youngins
who look like they are looking for work, walking
in your general direction.
There's a half orc, a dragonborn and a halfling,
all kind of wide eyed and bewildered like they need some guidance.
Root. What?
Root. What?
Look right there.
And Damien plunges his arm right under Bertie Lemieux's nose,
pointing at the three wandering folks in front of him.
Root. Yes.
All right. Pop quiz time.
Oh, no. Time to assess.
Uh huh. How good do you think these three would be helping us on our quest?
On like to Daggerford, on like a one to five stars scale,
like a one to ten.
Oh, one to Daggerford scale to Daggerford.
That end of the scale.
Is that the right answer? No.
Oh, no. They look confused,
which means they would be perfect for the job.
Isn't that the answer I just gave? No.
Oh, you have so much to learn, Squire.
Lucky you that we've been partnered together
and I've well lost my normal eigensquire off in your land.
And let's go meet people.
OK. Bertie, lead.
Oh, and like wings flap
and feathers like puff up in like nervous excitement.
And this like three foot, four foot tall bird,
very brightly colored, like green head,
lilac chest, bright blue wings
and tail feathers comes like hopping over to you
and just, hello, hello.
You guys look like you need a quest.
I kind of like lean to my people and I go, don't act so green.
We're not desperate.
Who says, uh, your countenance
and my knight said to ask you
if you wanted to help us with our. Me, Damien Conference,
knight of the round.
So I can see that you are confused.
Say what? So your last name is conference.
It is like how, how, how far you get around a circle.
Yeah, this is circumference, my knight who is training me.
Are you cracking wise about my name?
No, not at all. He has a knight of the round.
I appreciate mathematics.
I used to be a mathematical.
You used to be? Really?
Oh, yeah. Do you know any good mathematical stories?
Oh, yeah. But I mean, now it's not the time.
You were just you were you were pitching to us right now.
Oh, no, it's always the time.
Here, I have one for you.
Do you know why zero is the best number?
Squire, Bertie Lemieux is trying really hard not to raise their hand.
Squire, it's their turn.
I know this one. OK, it's their turn.
Nobody.
It's because it's holding back all the negativity.
And he looks in the distance, very proud of himself.
Big feather hands like frame him.
Just like wing feathers.
Wow. Super cool.
Wow. Super cool.
That's a good that's a good joke.
So where are you going today?
Where are you going?
With this caravan to help with.
To Tagerford.
Yeah, that and to help with the turnt gobos.
Wait, there's there's turnt gobos.
That's what the man said.
Root, I think that might be a little bit racist.
I don't. Is it?
I mean, I didn't think so when I said it,
but when it came out of your mouth, I questioned my words from earlier.
Is well, it got to be careful what you say in front of children.
They'll just say anything.
I don't think this bird is a child, but if I were Bertie Lemieux,
are you a child? No, no, no.
You're a very old squire.
No, I'm a normal age squire.
It's just hard to tell because my feathers are so bright.
Oh, and circumference looks at the halfling.
Are you a child?
I think that might be racist.
That's totally racist.
What does it make you think I'm a child?
You're the one who brought up children and I see no children around me.
He does.
Can I do a passive perception of like what is what's my passive?
I don't know. We're not going to damn.
I got 18 passive perception.
Do I see children around me or is it literally the halfling?
I mean, there there are families moving back,
but in the immediate earshot, there are no no children that would be of concern.
Short one, I believe we are in safe no children's zone.
I think we can we are fine with continuing with our dealings of the day.
So to Daggerford.
Well, will you help us with the gobbos?
I guess that depends.
I definitely want to help with the gobbos.
I love a mission that all sounds great, but one very important question.
Oh, what direction is Daggerford in?
Oh, that's a good question.
That's probably the most important question.
Sir, what direction is Daggerford in the direction the merchant pointed?
East.
Southeast ish.
Almost, Bertie Lemieux.
I mean, she said ish ish.
Turn that compass a little bit further southeast.
There you go.
Southeast of here.
Is that in any direction, at least somewhat of what you are traveling in?
Well, yes.
See, here's the thing.
I need to save the world.
So we need to head east.
It's a long story.
I won't bore you with the whole thing.
I mean, there isn't much more than that.
Mostly, it's just that we're going to save the world at some point.
Not soon.
We probably can help with these gobbos before we go do that.
Damien, you know, it's a five to six day journey.
Does the world need to be saved in the next week?
Well, I hope not.
I'm not ready to save it yet.
Oh, well, excellent, because we have probably, I don't know, four or five,
maybe even six days, depending if we take the scenic route ahead of us on the road.
But it sounds like we can combine our journeys and we can help you
make it along the way a little bit more safely and you can help us.
It's full circle.
Four wagons.
Yes. Squire, what's there to see on this scenic route?
Trees?
Oh, well, you can see those anywhere.
I thought you were talking like landmarks, like world's biggest.
What are we going for here?
Uh, there was talk that we could find the world's biggest jar of jam
on the way.
Yes, does your current quest have jam?
I've never had jam.
It sounds like a good time.
Yeah. Squire, did you make that fact up?
I feel like you're trying to egg these these fine folk on.
I don't have any eggs.
No. Oh, hmm.
I look at my two traveling companions chalk.
Yeah, can we talk for a second? Hold on. Sorry, sorry.
Maybe just give us a give us a minute and we actually move away from them
instead of just saying give us a minute and turning around,
which is what we normally do.
We move out of earshot.
Guys, I'm a total sucker for world's biggest anything.
I want to go.
I mean, we have turned.
You're just in the background away from that.
I mean, just yelling jam over and over.
Not even yelling, just quietly trying to infiltrate the huddle
with the excitement of jam encroaching jam.
Solly, what do you think?
Guys, I feel like we just got rid of Hillip
and now we're just going to like grab two more hillops and I'm just
I'm so fucking hilloped out right now.
But there's been no other offers.
And I think we should probably just get this show on the road.
So I mean, why we could ask them some questions to see
to test their hillop levels.
Oh, that's good.
They've already failed on the hillop scale.
Oh, oh, Jesus Christ.
OK, I guess I guess my hillop barometer is broken.
Not everyone's is attuned the same way.
I'm very sensitive.
OK, well, I say we go.
Go for it. OK.
I want to see jam.
Me too. Oh, I really want to see those.
Jam, jam, jam, jam, jam.
Bernie, you've been doing that for 10 minutes.
Let's see some jam and kill some goblins.
But it worked.
Well done.
It did. I give them that.
Welcome to the quest of protecting horses and buggies.
But every quest, no matter how small, is noble. Yes.
I mean, that is why I'm on the Squire exchange program.
Now, was this like, did you have to apply in person
or was this like a write in program?
Well, my night master back home in McCaw Valley
signed me up for it that he thought that more world experience would be good.
So I'm here.
I've been here for three days, but I've already learned about the jam
and I think it's exciting that we get to go while also protecting people from goblins.
And I filled out the application for my current Squire,
but it auto corrected to ducking and I got this bird.
Hello. I am Squire, Bernie the Mew.
Yes. Yes, you are.
I am not a duck.
Hmm.
In case there was confusion.
Oh, no, we've seen ducks.
You are totally different.
I don't think you're sporting a switchblade or anything.
I am not sporting a switchblade.
The ducks we've run into have been very problematic.
Well, the duck wood was very, that was a bit of a sketchy place, I have to say.
So when do we leave?
Sir, when do we leave?
Damien yells across the wagon yard to the merchant.
Merchant man, when do we leave?
We have help. We have a party.
You have a party. All right.
That sounds like it's going to be a fun time.
You can leave whenever you got your party ready.
Oh, we did it. You did it.
So now we had the pre-party.
Oh, did we?
That's what he said, right?
Pre-party.
OK, I don't think I got that one.
And Damien walks off.
Oh, follow us.
Oh, oh, oh, we told you our names.
You should probably tell, well, at least me, your names,
because I'm not sure circumference will remember half the time
he calls me Root and that is not my name.
Yeah, I was going to ask about that.
Yeah. Well, you see,
he really likes math, but also when I got here,
I was sitting in like a square container
because it was calming for the boat ride.
And so he just looked at it.
It was a nest. It was a nest bird.
Yeah, OK. It was a nest inside a square box because it was calming.
And he looked at it and he went, oh, a square root.
And that happened.
Oh, well, that's unfortunate.
He really likes his math puns.
Yes. I mean, he is a knight of the round.
So it makes sense. It makes sense.
I'm Glim. Oh, hello, Glim.
And then for Tiffany's not for Tiffany's note of knowledge,
which one are you in terms of height?
I'm the Dragonborn.
OK, Glim is the Dragonborn. Perfect.
Half Orc Moot, checking in here.
Half Orc Moot, it is nice to meet you, Moot.
I'm Sullivan Slyte, but you can call me Sully.
It is lovely to meet you, Sully.
Welcome to the party and the quest for jam.
Sort of in a roundabout way.
Exactly.
You get back to the caravan and he
hame. What the fuck did I name him?
Hamek. So much has happened.
And yet nothing has happened.
And yet nothing has happened.
Hamish, we are ready to begin.
Yeah, I see you got I see you got some some folks here.
You guys ever escorted a caravan?
I've been around a lot of horses.
I think Glim rode on one.
We traveled with the caravan with Hillop.
Oh, yeah, we did.
We have we have caravan experience.
You rode with Hillop?
Yeah. Do you know Hillop?
Yeah, I know Hillop.
He's not going to be coming with you, is he?
No, no, no.
Cool.
He's got some Zumba to run.
Oh, he's changing career path.
Great. OK, so you got four drivers,
one for each of the wagon,
and then you guys are going to be just, you know,
making sure nobody steals anything or wrecks anything.
Sound all good?
You can count on us.
Perfect.
I have total confidence that this is going to go off without a hitch.
Why don't you shake the merchant man's hand?
Wing comes out with like little fingers at the end.
Shake your hand.
Reaches and shakes your hand is all right.
Well, there should be there should be a noble there to receive you.
This is all to help get the city set up
before we send out the people back to the city.
Good. He set the city up before we send the people to the city.
Got it. Perfect.
Merchant man, this is not a smuggling mission, is it?
Everything here is above board and sanctioned by the guilds and whatever.
Everything here is above board.
If you have a look, you'll see we've got food.
We've got fabrics, spices, various building supplies, books,
paintings, all that sort.
Basically, a veritable smorgasbord of boredom.
Excellent. You've got it.
Nothing, nothing, nothing hinky going on.
Nothing hinky.
Yeah. Just concerned, just concerned about people
interrupting us before we get there, of course.
Hence, hiring you fine folks.
We've got it covered.
So we haven't talked about, like, compensation.
The caravan sets off as you begin this conversation
on the five to six day journey.
And feel free to carry that conversation on.
It's a good question, Sully.
I mean, I'm going to do it to get better at fighting evil.
But we also need to eat.
So compensation? Jam?
No, I will not take jam for compensation.
What? David, stop looking at me.
I'm the squire. I can't make these rules.
Hey, we have four wagons and I'm not quite sure
who's sitting next to who at the moment.
So I don't know who I'm talking to.
No, they're talking about compensation.
That's to you. Yeah.
And then he said compensation.
And then the caravan just merited it away.
So David, that conversation is to you.
Russ is like, speak amongst yourselves.
You hired them.
Oh, I did it by proxy.
Yeah. Yeah.
The merchant hand you a bag of 500 gold.
So you have 500 gold to spend as you will.
Well, we have a bag of 100 gold to spend on you three fine fellows.
Now, if we get there safely and and unscratched and nothing untoward
happens, maybe we can scrounge up a little extra scratch.
What do you think, Squire?
We can dip into the reserves and, you know,
share in the wealth.
Yes. Good answer.
So we may be looking at a hundred and twenty five gold when you arrive
and jam and good company
and jam.
I will enjoy two out of three of those things.
It's probably the jam.
It's your company, Birdie,
because I obviously being a human and D&D with the wealth of races
in is very gradating on everybody's nerves.
So it's you.
Everybody likes a bird friend.
Everybody loves a human, lawful, good pAlydin in the wealth of D&D.
Can't be that lawful good. Just saying.
Hey, you don't know if he likes to have a surprise at the end.
So God, I was about to say a happy ending.
That was not where I was going.
The answer would be probably yes.
I mean, I mean, I don't understand if you're if you get there
and you expect 100, but you end up with 250.
That's a pretty good upswing.
But if you get there expecting 250 and you only get 100,
that's kind of a shitty day.
Oh, so you're not going to 200.
You're not going to promise them.
You're going to be like, oh, generous big bonus.
Where does this bag of gold come from?
But it's the same bag of gold.
I have to say, I agree. I agree.
Are we each like driving a caravan essentially?
No. OK, I didn't think so.
We're just like you have four drivers escorting.
Yeah, we're like walking beside.
Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought.
You may take rest at any specific time, but, you know, you are you are escorting.
Well, hey there, we're back in the middle.
And it's just me here with you today, your Dungeon Master Russ More.
Just wanted to pop in and say a quick huge thank you to David and Tiffany,
who will be joining us again in a couple of weeks to wrap up this story
of Circumference and Squire Root.
If you would like to hear more from David and Tiffany,
make sure you go search for North by North Quest
anywhere you can download podcasts or you can visit
North by North Quest dot com for all the details about them.
It's an amazing podcast, amazing storytelling.
And as you can tell, David and Tiffany have a lot of fun.
Now onto a little housekeeping, a little bit about our schedule
for the next couple of weeks.
We won't be releasing regular episodes for the next two weeks.
However, we will have special bonus episodes from a couple of podcasts
that we absolutely love, that we'd like you to take a moment
to listen to and enjoy and hopefully go listen to them as well.
More details about that coming up on Christmas Day and New Year's Day.
We'll be back with regular episodes for us on January 8th
with the next Thea, Flint and New Friend, and then back into regular
rotation from there on Monday, January 6th.
Our new show, Facing Fate, will begin and will be released weekly
for 10 weeks after that.
If you'd like to hear the full season one before it comes out,
come join us on Patreon, Patreon dot com slash Dumb Dragon Cast.
Other things happening over on Patreon.
We'll be back with side scroller episodes in January.
Those are DM'd by Tom.
We've got an awesome bonus game that Carla, Amy and I played
where things definitely didn't go as I had planned them,
being that I didn't plan a lot of things and just we just kind of went with it.
So it's a lot of random, a lot of fun.
Very excited for you to hear that.
That's coming out in January as well.
Patreon dot com slash Dumb Dragon Cast.
Make sure you go check it out.
But that's it for me.
So let's get back to the episode.
Unless anybody has anything in particular
they would like to ask anybody in the group, I will carry on.
Go for it.
Damian just wants to know he's heard a lot of talk about this hillop character
and he is going to inquire among upon the way.
Oh, that feels like a long conversation.
I've heard that name many times, more times than anything else
out of their mouth since we've met them.
We must inquire further.
I don't know. Do you think they've said that more than the word jam?
Probably, but with similar levels of enthusiasm,
but in the opposite direction of jam.
So is it enthusiasm if it's the opposite?
What would you call that?
Unenthusiasm.
Oppositenaziism.
Did you do the reading last night Squire Root?
No.
God.
Who's got watch on this here?
Who's kind of taking point at the front of this caravan?
I think Damian actually would.
He's used to actually being so his in D&D speak, he took the protector background.
So he's used to being a little bit more putting himself out front,
you know, and trying to watch out for others.
So I think he'd probably take point.
I'm wherever he is.
Cool. Cool. Cool.
And you said this means I die first.
You've got a passive perception of 18.
You said David.
I do. Apparently it's my one high.
I will not tell you which passive score is a nine,
but that one is an 18.
So yes.
Perfect. Good to know.
I mean, I could look at your sheet, but that's fine.
My passive perception is a nine.
Okay. Well, yeah, better part of a day has gone on.
You're making it near towards dinner time.
Damian, you see up ahead at the side of the road,
what looks like a small creature,
tough to make out from the distance at this moment,
but there's a small creature kind of grayish in the shadow that you're looking at.
Damian, as he first notices it out,
I assume it's like in the middle of the path or the kind of.
Yeah, kind of a little bit off to the side, but yes.
Yeah. Along the way that you were going.
Damian yells out, hail and well met.
Good creature.
What are you? What are you named?
What? I cannot speak today.
What are you called? Hello? Hello?
Do you speak?
As you get closer and you yell this out,
you see it stop and look to you and it's holding something in its hand.
It doesn't respond.
And then it goes back to holding and playing with whatever it has in its hand.
Are they balls based upon your hand juggling?
Is it a turnt gobo?
It does not look like a goblin.
The closer you get, whoever's looking at this point, make a nature check.
I think Damian, after he doesn't figure it out first,
he's going to yell it to the others to get their opinion.
He'll be like, root, mute, gram and sleet.
What is this thing?
Oh, I got a nat 20.
I also got a nat 20, so we're crushing it on identifying this creature.
I'm jogging up from the back.
I was definitely pulling up the rear and being lazy.
Well, the nat 20s in the group, you definitely know,
recognize it as a tiny earth elemental.
And as you get closer, you see that it is playing with small ball sized rocks.
Ball sized rocks?
I'm sorry, whose balls?
Yes, like a tennis ball.
Are they like the ones that you would like hold in your hand to do strength exercises?
Yeah, yeah, that size.
You know, like the Goblin King.
Sure.
No, that was too big.
These are smaller ones you could fit in your hands.
It's a small earth elemental.
They can't be that big.
You see it tossing, kind of tossing them up in the air and they fall down to the ground.
And he picks them up and tosses them again and they kind of fall down to the ground.
I come jogging up.
Wait, where are we looking at?
Balls!
I beg your pardon?
Sully looks down, like as if he forgot his pants.
I don't know what the creature is, but balls.
I'm waiting for someone who does know.
It's an earth element.
A what?
An earth element.
A what?
It's like a nature creature.
I think it's learning how to juggle.
Oh, I know how to juggle.
Are you learning how to juggle?
Bernie the Mew yells.
It looks or seemingly looks over in your direction and then kind of slumps and then
reaches down to pick up the stones again and continues to throw them up in the air.
Oh, is it not going well?
It doesn't respond.
It just keeps focusing on the stones.
I mean, it's not less sexual.
With a Nat 20, you'd know that earth elementals don't speak common.
They speak what's known as Terran.
No, I don't have that one.
Me neither.
Orin and Gnomish.
I run off the side of the road and I grab three stones and I run forward a little bit.
I go, eh, eh, and I start to juggle them.
As Damien was leaning over to ask Sully if this was typical engrossment in balls
and as he finally leans all the way over, Sully is gone.
Yeah, Sully's gone.
So Sully, you run over to the earth elemental?
I run toward it a little bit.
I'm not totally engaging.
I go, eh, eh, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
It stops what it's doing and watches your pattern and watches you and kind of lifts
its head as it's staring towards you the longer you go on.
I'm going to make a dexterity check to see how far you, how long you can juggle.
How long I can keep this up for.
Brady the Mew, while you start, runs up behind you and fans out their wings
to make you look very dazzling as you do it.
Um, I'm going to say yes.
That you, I don't know what I was, oh, you carry on for a long time.
That's what, that's what I forgot what I made your role for.
There's a whole caravan stop behind me.
I'm just like, ah, ah, ah, yeah.
You guys are the escort.
So yeah, they've stopped behind you.
And it's watching you with just, from what you can tell,
amazement as it begins to walk forward towards you and kind of trying to mimic
your behavior.
Guys, I think I found a friend.
I think you found a friend too.
I whisper from really close behind you.
Oh, God.
Feathers.
Well, I just, I thought it'd be pretty, like, just like.
No, yeah, that's okay.
Personal space is subjective.
It, it begins to copy and follow what you do.
It drops the stones a few times before it finally gets
the pattern as you're, as you're going through this juggling motion.
I can tell it, I, it can't understand me, but I make like very big happy faces
and I'm like, yeah, and I'm nodding.
I'm like, uh-huh.
It's stone eyebrows moved into like an excited motion as it gets a few juggles
back and forth and back and forth.
And then you hear, as it gets going, you hear a loud rumble coming from the trees
off to the side and it stops and it looks to you and then it starts to run back
into the trees.
I dropped my, my rocks and I'm like, oh, I really thought we had something there.
Maybe we could have taken that on the road.
It was very impressive.
Did you scare it off, Sully?
Well, no, there's like a big noise that came from the side there.
You see it poke its head back out from the trees and it waves to you.
And then it goes back into the trees.
Oh, maybe it's mom called.
Oh, maybe.
Well, I guess the road is clear now.
I guess we can just keep going.
Do you think it was scared?
Cause if it was scared, I feel like we might maybe should be scared too.
Elementals are, or did it just see it seemed happy?
Sully, you really bonded.
Oh, okay.
It just waved.
I think he's okay.
Roll an insight if you want to.
Sure, I'll be insightful.
What do I do with that?
17 minus one, probably.
Minus one.
Damien chimes in.
Math is important.
You all right?
She gets one good die roll and then she dies.
Sully just drops.
I mean, I'm really sick.
Hey, Dean.
You can tell that when it came to look back at you, it looked happy
and didn't run away necessarily in fear, but just knowing that it needed to be somewhere else.
Yeah, no, I think you're right.
I think it's mom probably called him.
Yeah.
Well, I guess let's keep going.
Sully, that was some amazing juggling.
I didn't know you were such a juggler.
There was a short period of time when I was a jugologist.
A jugologist?
Yeah.
Do you study the art of juggling?
Oh, yeah.
Or did you?
Well, that's what I said.
I was a jugologist.
So, yeah.
Sully's had all sorts of jobs.
That was right before the Linenary, but it was after the cookery.
Where did your crushology come in?
Oh, that wasn't until later.
That was way later.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
You're very impressive.
We may even knight you ambassador of stone relations if you keep this up.
Oh, that sounds...
That's the job I've never had before.
Speechless!
The appropriate response to that.
Whew.
You flatter me.
I assume we're still walking.
Oh, absolutely.
The carousel has definitely started back up.
So, Birdie, why do you want to be a squire?
Well, you have to be a squire in order to be a knight.
And that's the real goal.
Oh, well, why do you want to be a knight?
Well, to help protect Macaw Valley.
Yeah, there's a little bit of a parrot war going on.
And I really want to help settle the conflict.
But you have to be a knight to be able to attend the talks,
to go to the conference.
And the squire is kind of just an interim step.
Oh, wow.
That's a lot of bureaucracy in there.
Yeah, and a lot of bird scene.
Mostly bird scene.
I believe it's pronounced bird-ocracy.
Oh.
No?
No.
Oh.
No, just like Macaw to other parrot relations.
Well, that's really noble, I mean.
Thank you.
I never really thought about like doing something like that to,
like, I don't know.
Hey, you guys, you ever thought about like becoming a knight
or that you had to like move up in the ranks in order to help people?
Well, no, I mean, I have a destiny to save the world, so I just have to like
train and get strong and channel Bahamut,
and then the opportunity to save the world will present itself.
I never thought about a formal sort of training system.
I mean, when you put it that way, it sounds very easy.
Yeah, it's just one thing, save the world.
It's only one thing to do.
It's pretty easy.
What are you saving it from?
Yes.
Are you saving it from parrots?
Regalus with the tale of saving the world, because this is intriguing.
Oh, well, I don't really know.
I mean, I think we know who a bad guy is, but I just, um, a little bit about me.
Taken to a village as a baby, chosen one,
destined to save the world, but I don't really know any of the details yet.
You don't know what you're saving the world from?
As Birdie says this, literally in mid-speech,
Damien pulls out his sword and points it straight at Glim.
Hun guard!
He's walking sideways with his sword still pointed directly at Glim, trying to keep pace.
Oh, do you think I need to save the world from you, sir?
If you are going to save the world,
I would like to help you further gurgle your loins against evil.
And in the best way, you get your brains out of the gutters.
I am trying to help serve this noble quest.
I have had passed down to me the skills and secrets of dueling through the years,
and any skills I can teach you along our path,
I would love to pass along to you on this absolutely noble journey,
not the journey to Daglor Fur, that's not noble at all, but the journey to save the world!
It's like 0.5% noble, okay, Root?
What? I'm trying my best!
Bahamut and the world versus a goblin!
Sounded like multiple goblins.
Fight him, fight him, Glim!
Well, I would be happy for you to train.
I think he's just going to fight me.
Jam, fight, jam fight!
This is going to get real interesting, something about loins, okay?
First lesson, never bring a sword to a jam fight.
Or jam to a sword fight, I learned that the hard way.
Bring the proper equipment, that's literally lessons 1 and 1.5 for dueling.
Do you need to borrow my short sword?
Could you, you have that notebook, maybe you could write some of this down for me.
Sure.
Don't bring a sword to a jam fight or jam to a sword fight.
Rule 1 and 1.5.
Yes!
Thank you sir, these are really excellent rules so far.
Do you have your own sword or do you need to borrow my short sword for training?
Oh, well, I don't have, I don't have a sword.
I do have this though and I pull out my giant war pick.
Whoa, a formidable weapon indeed.
Sir, do you need my glaive or do you cut a long arm yourself?
I, hmm, I mean my arms are about normal length,
I would say they're about half a meter long, but you know.
Oh, you mean my weapon!
I cannot tell when you're joking with that bird face of yours.
No, I will hold on to my sword and shield and duel accordingly,
because lesson number 2, you never know what the opposition will bring to the fight.
Yes, that is correct.
A lot of rules about equipment,
I hadn't thought about these sort of things, these logistics.
Have you ever met a male before? It's the only thing they ever talk about in life.
Equipment is a very important part of fighting and being a knight.
You must come with a lot of equipment
so that you can be able to handle any situation.
Now what if someone strips you naked and then is like, save the world now?
Fisty cuffs!
Also, we're all naked underneath our clothes.
Oh yeah, we probably shouldn't talk about the whole feather situation.
Yeah, unless you're my squire, current squire, who's naked all the time.
Well, I mean, I have feathers and I have this nice scarf.
This conversation is about the dragon!
Is a nice scarf.
Thank you! My mom made it for me.
It was my present, my going away present for the exchange program.
Glim, I think now would be like a surprise attack
because he's totally not paying attention to you.
Birdie the Mew comes flapping at you.
Oh, oh no! Oh, Birdie, I don't want to hurt you!
Oh my goodness!
Always prepare for the unexpected!
Just feathers everywhere.
If we're going to learn how to duel here,
which I think is where we're going with this,
let's roll initiative between those involved.
So that would be Glim and Damien.
And if anybody else wants to...
Birdie will get out of the way.
Anybody else wants to roll in for various moral supports or distractions?
Okay. Can I roll in for taunting?
Sure, yeah. Sounds like it.
Sounds like a distraction.
I'm going to roll in for note taking.
Okay.
13.
Sorry, 15 or 13?
13.
Yeah, plus your initiative.
17.
Oh, the taunting is going to...
You're going to get right into taunting, it sounds like.
Fucking ready.
Wait, you're going to taunt me?
Aren't you going to taunt Damien?
I'm not sure.
Whatever comes out of my mouth comes out of my mouth.
What do we got for Damien?
I don't control it, Carla.
I got 25.
Oh, Jesus.
Birdie got a 20 for helping moral support and maybe a little bit of feather distraction.
Damien, Birdie, Sully, and where's Mute in this situation?
Mute got a three.
Oh.
He's taking notes.
He's taking notes.
He's taking notes.
It's best to go last.
Yep, absolutely.
All right, so I imagine that the caravan has stopped.
We'll say this is like night, you know, you've pulled over, you set up around camp
on like the third night and now you've been called out
to be imparted with the wisdom of circumference.
That's me.
That's you.
So your drivers are kind of around the campfire watching this nonsense go on
and you are all surrounding Damien and Glim.
Damien, you are up first.
So we'll go describe what you do or say and then we'll roll for no real damage.
We'll just roll to see how well the parry goes.
So Damien is going to kind of strut forward fairly confidently,
but also not like overtly trying to just be up in Glim's face.
And as he's walking forward, he intones.
Next lesson is you never know what to expect as Damien tosses his mace
to Birdie Lemieux and says, now you will show them what I've taught you.
And he walks over next to Mute and stands behind him,
full plate arms crossed, saying, I will look at your notes as this transpires.
Perfect. Sounds good.
Birdie, you're up.
OK. OK. Birdie has stopped flapping their wings
and grabs the mace that gets handed to them.
And they look at Glim and go, ah, on guard.
That's not really what you say with a mace, but it's all I got.
And goes running at you to charge and whack you with it.
Roll for attack.
That's a five.
Mace is not Birdie's normal weapon.
So that's a very clear miss. Birdie charges towards Glim.
I don't know if Glim even needs to sidestep for this one.
Birdie runs past.
Panicked in what's happening.
The weight is off.
They don't know how to handle this.
And Sully, you're up next.
It's like a comic up and down situation.
I seem better swings than that in nightclubs.
Glim.
Glim is going to.
I mean, I certainly don't want to hurt Birdie, but maybe.
We'll say it's definitely more.
Yeah, you're not trying to hurt each other.
You're holding back.
We're just sparring.
Okay.
Well, then I guess I was going to say I'd show off my breath weapon,
but it doesn't really make sense when I'm supposed to be learning dueling.
So I'm going to try and maybe just like knock her off her feet or something.
Sure.
But I don't because it is a nine.
They hop.
They hop as they drop the mace.
Done with your BS hammer weapon.
Who would have thought this six foot five dragonborn and this what?
Three foot six?
Yeah, like three or four would be would be so evenly matched.
It's amazing.
I'm about to get my short sword.
You wait.
Moot.
Frantically writing down kind of what's happened so far in the battle
notices that Glim weirdly went low on her attack.
Back to Damian.
You see, I don't I don't know what you were hoping for when you tossed the mace to Birdie,
but now it's your turn again.
I don't know either what he wanted from that.
First he he absolutely yells criticisms at at at his square root.
This is not how I don't like Mason in your thin bird bones.
You're the weight of yours is off.
Yes.
It's not made for a bird.
It builds muscle work the drumsticks.
Oh, hollow bones.
And he turns back to Moot who's he's standing behind
and he reaches over mute shoulder like at the notes.
Okay, you had some notes there.
And adjust the parry there.
And, you know, this I just want to make sure you get this accurate
because some of the rumors we've heard out there is just concerning.
And I just want to make sure that this all helps with the big picture.
So the little pictures in the book is important to the big pictures because duly.
Birdie, you're up next.
Birdie has hopped the foot dropped the mace is too heavy.
And they're wearing a scarf and a sword belt.
And nothing else.
No, it's just plumage as far as the eye can see.
And they draw their short sword and they go, that's better.
And they go to lunge at you.
And hopefully I do better with my short sword.
I do.
I do better.
That's a 21.
Oh, that'll do it with my short sword.
Ha.
So Birdie comes in low is striking your armor.
You don't have armor.
Like the flat of the blade.
I do have chainmail or scale mail or something.
Yeah.
It's just it's the flat of the blade.
Just more for the contact of like, I gotcha.
Than to cut you.
Damien yells out, watch the knees Dragonborn.
Destiny always goes for the knees.
Hey Glim.
Are you going to let them just spank you around like that?
Come on.
Ha ha.
Okay.
I'm going to, I'm really, I mean it this time.
This time I'm really going to try.
It's a 22.
That does it.
So again, I'm just like trying to like, I pull it kind of.
Yeah.
But definite, definite contact there as you as Birdie receive a knock from the war pick moot.
Oh, that was really good.
You too.
You're doing so good now.
Easier with the right weapon.
Yeah, you need one that's well bAlydinced.
Is this, is this to your liking circumference?
Is this, is this what you're interested in with my notes here?
Aye.
I mean, you can leave out the part about the thin bird bones.
I mean, it is a good.
You said it.
But yes.
I feel like I should write everything down.
It is true.
You are, yes, very astute.
You know, are you looking for an intern position?
Because I know some people back in town.
Well, tell you what, I'll think about it,
but I really want to see this, this world's biggest jar of jam here first.
Oh yes.
Of course.
I would never stand in the way of your personal quest.
Of course.
He would definitely stand in the way of my personal quest.
Yes, that is my job.
Is it?
I thought your job was to nurture me and teach me the ways of knighthood.
Like the largest jar of jam.
Damien, did you want to do anything outside of?
Yes.
At that moment, he then says, and this is how you finish a fight.
And he jumps out and lunges directly at Glim with his, what's he got?
Hold on.
He's got something.
You have a short sword.
I have a short sword.
I have also.
He pulls out this very nice, slightly gleaming, giant slayer short sword
and goes to just pop Glim on the shoulder with the side of the blade.
21.
That'll do it.
So from off to the side, when you thought you were fighting Bertie,
circumference flies out and taps you on the shoulder.
Bertie, it's your turn.
Seeing your, your, your, your knight, your leader jump into the fray.
Oh, uh, uh.
Continue the fight.
Oh, but they're new.
We two opponents seems like a lot.
Well, then seed Bertie seed, not bird seed, seed the fight.
I see the fight and Bertie just kind of like slowly,
like backs out of the middle and goes and sits down next to moot.
And Damien immediately, as Bertie says, that drops into a very
respectful kneel directly in front of Glim bowels low and then stands high saying,
you have a lot of potential.
You need to keep practicing, but you are on the road to greatness.
I believe that destiny with your friends supporting you has chosen well.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you so much for your tutelage, circumference.
It means so much to me.
Of course.
If there's anything that my, my squire or I can do for yourself
or your companions, Mute and Sully, we would, we are at your service.
Well, until we are in Daggerford and then we will see where our nest adventure takes us.
But for the time being, you have a friend in circumference and Bertie Lemute.
Bertie's got just bird's seeds, just like begin.
The intro and extra music long road ahead is by Kavin McLeod of the Competech.Filmmusic.io.
Other music and ambience can be found at EpidemicSound.com.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers, Ryan Cushman, Gabriel Lynch, Joshua Dixon,
Devin Michaels, Kat Waterflame, and Jacob Madden.
To find out more about becoming a supporting producer
and all of the amazing bonus content we have, visit Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
You hold on a second.
Did we ever resolve the fact that Glim totally ate my mushroom omelette?
Yeah, that was between episodes.
That's why I had the nightmare and stuff, right?
No, you had the nightmare before you ate the omelette.
There's a lot of stuff happening here.
Okay, so the mausoleum.
That may come back later.
Yes, no, you guys said you did.
You passed it a couple of days.
You were watching her while she slept and then you stomped on it.
Perfect.
I love how there's no context to this yet.
Yeah, sorry you guys.
I really am here for not knowing what this omelette did.
But it sounds like a party.
Yeah, which is funny because I'm over here and I'm like, that's not that weird.
Yeah, we've done some weird things with mushrooms.
You hear coming, you hear from coming running.
You hear you hear a voice from behind you.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a dumb dragons production.