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previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Friends, this could be the windmill that we are looking for!
I think you need wind for a windmill to work, so why would they even have built it here?
Anyway, this place is super creepy.
It looks like an old windmill.
Got a real creepo vibe to it.
That's about what you detect to it.
Help! Help!
Does anybody hear that?
Yeah, we've gotta go, and I'm already, like, heading in that direction.
You see a man caught in quicksand.
Thank goodness you guys came by.
What were you doing out here all by yourself?
I heard there was gold here.
Yes, I heard there was gold here, too!
He's following the rumor!
I'm Glim, what's your name?
My name is Esau.
What's it say?
The letter says,
Don't Trust Me,
and it's signed Esau the Miller.
Ah, fuck.
If you eat the mushrooms, you stay and you be my friend.
Esau, you have to tell the truth.
No, I am. You have to eat the mushrooms.
Just like Hillip here did.
Hillip, did you eat the mushrooms?
I was so hungry, and he said they were tasty.
And how do you feel?
I feel a little rumbly in my tumbly, but I'm feeling okay.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast,
and I'm your Dungeon Master, Russ More,
and with me today is Amy More.
I am, as I am always.
I feel fair for what I am.
Yes.
I play Sullivan Sleight, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
And Tom Laird.
Yes, I am also here.
I am the Eternal, and I play Moot.
He's a half-orc, wild magic sorcerer.
And Carla Maxted.
Are any of us really here?
I think we are.
I think I am.
I play Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
Carla asking the important questions.
This is a real deep start.
It's going to be a real deep episode.
No jokes this time, friends.
Sorry, just kidding.
We won't make it three minutes without a dick joke.
Speaking of thick.
I should have said we won't make it three seconds without a dick joke.
This tracks.
Hey, where we've got crazy cool new things going on very soon is over on Patreon,
but what's consistent about Patreon is you get an episode dedicated to you.
Today's episode, which is dedicated to Chris LeBlanc.
Thanks, Chris.
Thank you.
Thank you, Chris.
Thank you, Chris.
You're awesome.
And now, fuck it, let's play D&D.
Okay.
Yeah, let's.
Moot, Glim, and Sully find yourselves in the middle of a
seemingly spooky forest situation.
Uh, in a windmill town.
Maybe it's spooky.
Maybe it's not.
Is it only seemingly spooky?
We don't know.
Have we just built this up in our minds?
Well, we did find a talking skull.
That's true.
Yep.
That would increase the spookification of this forest.
I'm going to have to remember this accent here.
Excuse me.
Uh, Esau has just fled into the forest before you.
Behind you at the top of a staircase lies a wooden chest and Hylip yells out,
so maybe check the chest out later then as we run after the crazy guy.
Yeah, Hylip.
I think let's chase the crazy guy first that was just going to kill you.
Then we'll come and check for the treasure.
Yeah, he was going to kill me.
I forgot that.
He didn't.
It wasn't.
He is not a good dude.
He locked us in the windmill, remember?
I mean, you weren't part of that.
I mean, you went into the windmill.
I didn't see him lock it or anything.
No, but like, you know he locked the windmill on us.
If you're so worried about it, I can stay up here with it.
I'll stay up here and I'll guard it.
It'll be fine.
You guys go on ahead.
Okay, we'll go on ahead.
You're going to go up the steps there and guard the chest?
Solly, maybe we should all stick together and-
I feel like we need all the help we can get.
Also, maybe we should, um, skedaddle.
I think he's pretty far ahead.
All right, um, all of you, unless somebody says otherwise,
go run forward through the trees.
As you enter through the thick wooded area,
you come out after 20 to 30 paces to a pathway.
Everybody make an- probably just a perception check at the moment.
And perception check, coming right up.
And perception check.
Minus one- no, sorry.
Eleven.
Just minus one?
I was just going to give you my modifier.
Eleven.
Sorry, I dropped all my dice on the ground.
Yeah, but which one rolled the best?
Well, I couldn't really count them because they went on the ground.
That's a nine.
Wow.
So you three come out immediately and you begin to turn left and hill up.
He's like, ah guys, uh, there's the footsteps that to go off to the,
to the, to the right here.
To, do we want to follow the footsteps?
Yeah, that's, that's probably-
Sure.
Thanks, thanks, Hillop.
Yeah, if you want to be really obvious about it.
By the way, are you from like, uh, are you from like Sweden or are you German or?
We don't remember.
Exactly.
But, uh-
Yeah, okay, that's cool.
No, it's fine.
I mean, origins, like, what does it even matter?
I mean, it's pretty darn close, I think.
So we're going then?
Yes.
Oh yeah, let's, yeah.
Yeah, you had a good plan.
Uh, you head right and the footsteps take a quick left down the path.
You follow them to a dead end where they go and terminate into the trees.
Well, what's your, what's your plan now, Hillop?
I mean, I'm out of foot, footsteps.
Can I go to the edge where the footsteps end and do another perception check to see if I-
As you can, she already did it.
To see if I just shuck my dice, like, into the sky?
I don't need a perception check for that, Karla.
You did.
I have another.
If you are, if you are looking, you can either do a survival or an investigation check.
If you're looking for which, you know, pathways and following and stuff.
Let's do survival because I have a plus one on that, which brings me to a five.
Got to find that other die.
Hold on.
Is this just like a solid tree, like a big old tree at the end or is it like a,
it's just more wooded area.
It's just not a path.
It looks like, yeah, it looks like the footsteps just ended at the
edge of the path and it just goes into thicker brush.
But I assume you're seeing if-
Yeah, I was trying to see if there was like, you know, a broken twig or something,
but I rolled a five so I don't see any.
I just stand there with my eyes closed.
You presume it just is in there.
You're very confident that it went straight through.
What do you guys think?
Well, so like we're going after him because-
He's a bad guy.
He did something bad to all the people from this town.
Right?
I mean, he certainly was going to do something bad to Hillop.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's keep going.
The more we talk about it, the further away he's getting and the more running we have to do.
Okay.
So we're just going based off of Glim's?
Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, maybe someone else-
Maybe someone else should try and see something or hear something or-
In character, Glim, you're very confident that he went into the brush
and that you can follow the path.
What were our options for us?
We got-
Survival or investigation?
All right.
Well, I will go for investigation.
Oh, another nine.
I'm on fire.
Crushing it with the rolls tonight.
Also very confident in Glim's decision to keep going.
Well, guys, I'm like big and tough.
I'll clear like a pretty big path.
So maybe I'll go first and you guys follow me.
It seems like a great idea.
And I just start trudging through the brambles or whatever I've just walked into.
You follow in where you see the footsteps terminate.
And it kind of is clear that things have been disrupted perhaps by someone.
After a couple of minutes of walking through this thick brush,
it comes out into a large open clearing.
What do we see in the clearing?
Just clear?
Just nothing?
Can I roll for perception?
Yeah, everybody roll for perception.
Oh, 13.
I'm like going up by ones.
Oh, 12 again.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Really nailing this love on the same page, which is nice.
We're really all seeing.
We're experiencing it in the same way.
It's just that we're missing half of what we're supposed to be seeing.
So the clearing is a large circular clearing.
Looks like maybe it was looking for a different word,
but I'm just going to go with clearing because
looks like it was perhaps cleared artificially to make this opening in the trees.
You don't see any footsteps as if, you know, your trail had ended somewhere,
perhaps in the trees that you didn't notice.
A little further ahead, it's mostly like dirt and mud, different areas.
You see what looks like a mound, but not like a rock.
But just like a mound within the dirt.
Like a dirty lump.
Looks like it's out of place.
You don't know.
Okay, let me go check out the dirt mound.
I walk also into the clearing and I'm like,
yeah, it's obvious that somebody made this here.
You can bend down and I touch the soil and I was like,
you can tell by just the composition of the dirt.
You are very smart about the gardening and the clearing of the trees.
Did you perhaps be a landscaper?
I did some landscapery, sure.
Cool, cool, cool.
I rolled a 20 as I investigate the dirt mound,
so I hope it's fucking something good.
It's a mound of dirt.
As you walk over, how close are you getting to this dirt mound?
I mean, is it, it's like on the side of the clearing.
It's kind of in the middle.
No, I mean, I probably just walk up to it.
All right, make a dexterity saving.
Pardon my snort.
Meanwhile, someone's like,
that over there looks like a really, really good compost pile.
Guys, I rolled a one.
Shit.
And I have minus one, so it's minus one.
Where are the other three standing?
Have you followed with Glim or you're discussing landscapery?
I'm on the edge of the clearing, like.
And Hillop's following you around.
I was listening to this landscaping conversation taking copious notes.
You three make a perception check before I describe what happens.
I got a nat one.
Wow, you guys are on fire.
It's really good.
This one's good, I got a 16.
So, Hillop and Sully, you're very engaged in whatever you're doing,
but Moot, you see out of the corner of your eye,
three arms, small clawed arms, shoot up and grab at Glim's arm
as she kind of bends down to see what this mound is.
And they begin pulling at her and she is now pulled to the ground,
shoulder deep in the dirt, which has kind of turned to a mud slurry around her.
Roll for initiative.
Are they still like hanging on to her now that they've like pulled her down?
Am I still able to see the arms?
It's like they grabbed her forearm and are now,
and Glim is now like up to her shoulder on one side.
Okay, so I can't see their arms anymore?
No.
Yeah.
Nine, and that's with my plus five initiative points, you guys.
Uh, eight.
17.
I have such low initiative, like I have a minus one with this character.
It's a real difference.
Welcome to my world.
Also, I have 11 hit points, so I might die.
Moot, you're up first.
Oh, all right then.
You're surprised with your 17 versus our nine and eight?
I mean, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Well, it makes sense you saw it happen.
This is true.
Go save the day.
So you're approximately, if you stayed kind of where Sully and Hillop are,
you're about 30 feet from the center of this clearing
where you see Glim now pulled to the ground.
Okay.
Glim, you feel small clawed hands grasping at your arm
and pulling you, like pulling you with, for their size,
an unusual amount of strength.
And it feels like you're being like vacuum suctioned into the ground.
She has accidentally placed her hand in an underground penis pump.
You may have just seen Austin Powers, he had his real reason.
Okay, I would like to, as I make my way over towards Glim in order to help her out,
I would like to cast Mage Hand in the form of a crab claw.
Okay.
And I would like to add this Mage Hand's ability to lift things
to my strength to try and pull Glim out.
Okay, so it's got a 10 pound maximum.
Yeah, so it's just a nice little bonus for me.
Perfect.
Just a little add 10 pounds of force.
Absolutely.
So you're trying to pull her back?
Yeah.
That's what you're trying to do?
Okay, let's go just a straight strength or I guess athletics.
All right.
Yeah, I've got pulse one to athletics.
Let's do that.
Yeah, do I get plus two because of my Mage Hand?
If you roll with advantage, just because, you know, you've got a motivational support.
I'll roll again.
Oh, a 16.
You run over and you just begin pulling on her leg, I assume.
Just whatever I can grab, belt, leg, whatever.
All right, so without discussing anything that's happening,
any way shape or form.
Make some sort of startled yelp and run over there.
Yeah, that's cool.
What does that yelp sound like?
Hey.
I like it.
So you begin to pull and Glim, you feel Mood grab you and then begin pulling you out and
you feel your arm coming free as you feel scratches going down your forearm.
You take one piercing damage.
Oh no, that's so much.
It's literally 10% of my life.
The creatures, it's their turn.
And Glim, you feel the grasp begin to try to pull you, make a strength saving throw.
13.
You feel them trying to pull you down, but you manage to hold your position
with the help of Moot at your feet there.
Moot, you see one of these creatures that you're unsure what it is.
It is a, what you see is a winged, almost bat like creature.
Long pointed nose and it's dripping mud off of it.
It's got long pointed claws and big beady glowing eyes and it comes over to you
and begins what you can only describe as belching mud all over you.
And you need to make a dexterity saving throw, please.
Oh, that does not sound great.
I feel like Sully's not seen any of this yet.
Well, then I got a job as a landscaper.
That is a 14, Russ.
You are not restrained.
You are covered in belch mud from this creature though.
And it is Sully's turn.
Sully's in the middle of explaining like, well, first you got to tear up the side
and then you got to make sure you level out that
as I hear the probably, I don't know, throw up sounds of-
Not the scream or the yell.
No, no.
But the throw up sounds.
Well, it didn't sound very, you know, it wasn't super urgent.
It was like, maybe it's like, hey, a nickel.
I don't know.
We've been over this before.
There's other people in my house.
I can't start yelling about things.
So I turn over and I see this muddy, big eyed winged creature.
You see Glim kind of up to her elbow, still in the mud.
Claws and hands pulling at her forearm.
Moot holding onto her foot or her leg
and this winged bat leg mud dripping creature belching on top of Moot.
What the?
And I walk forward about 10 feet.
Slowly, slowly.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm like-
It's real like saunter.
Well, I'm very like out of nowhere.
We were just discussing landscaping.
I take out my short bow and I'm going to shoot it into
because I see that Glim is all like up to her elbows and crap.
I'm going to shoot it into the pile of dirt that is holding her.
Okay, so like the mud pit around her arm.
I'm going to say roll at disadvantage
because you don't really know what you're aiming for.
Okay, well, how about, my disadvantage is this one, a 16.
So you fire your arrow in Glim.
It kind of barely just misses your arm and you hear, Glim you hear,
kind of a muffled like yelp as another one of these creatures.
You feel it release your arm and shoot up out of the mud
and begin to stare down Sully.
The fuck are these things?
The ugliest sin.
And that's all your turn?
We're level one characters, Russ.
I can't really do much else.
Ain't nobody got two actions.
Sully do some sort of like cabbage patch dance
and being successful.
I'll do a back flip and back up 10 feet.
Back to where you started.
Back handspring, yeah.
And then I go, do you see that?
To Hilla.
That's crazy stuff.
It's Glim's turn.
Okay, so now there's two in front of me.
So there's one directly in front of you that's turned towards Sully.
There's one that's more over top of Moot
and you can feel kind of one.
Oh, there's still one on my arm.
Still one on your arm
and then just the suction of the earth around it.
Okay, I am going to use my fire breath
on the one that is standing in front of me
that just popped up.
Sure, perfect, cool.
Do it.
So the mud is all flammable and we're all dead.
Oh shit, speak for yourself.
DC saving throw.
DC of...
She'll let you know when you roll.
Right, yeah, totally.
Let's say 11.
Dexterity?
Yeah.
That's going to be a 19.
Oh my God, okay.
Well, then it's still going to take...
It's nine, so it takes half, so four.
Oh, these little baby characters, oh boy.
So you look up and this is going to be the first time
that anybody has seen your fire breath.
So describe to me what your fire breath looks like
as you aim towards this mud creature.
Okay, well, I think...
So it is because of my brass ancestry,
that's why I have fire as my breath weapon.
So I think it would have that kind of tone to it,
like a ruddy copperish kind of tone
as opposed to like orange or red or blue flame.
A copper tone?
Don't get burned.
Yeah, so that's what it looks like.
Can we react to that?
Yeah, I think everybody should make a...
A wowsa check?
Yeah, like a wisdom saving throw.
Like a mind blown?
Yeah, none of you have seen it before.
Well, that's only a five.
It's 11 for me.
Hillip and Moot are fine.
Like you see this, you're wowed by it
and like, oh, I thought she was not a real dragon.
I don't know.
You describe how you want to do it.
But Sully, you are, I'm going to say,
frightened at the moment.
Well, holy shit.
I turn around.
Well, Sully, she's a dragonborn.
What did you expect?
What a fire from a mouth.
It's where all your nice words come from.
Hillip's turn.
If you are, yeah, do you want to try
and like pull your arm out or anything?
Oh yeah, I guess I can move as well as do an attack.
So yes, I will also try to pull my arm out further.
Would I do like a strength check to do that or?
Yeah, yeah.
She actually shoves her arm before you back in.
My rolls tonight are hilarious.
That is an eight.
As you do your flame breath.
You feel like a burst of strength and you kind of pull up.
But in that moment, you feel the force of the mud,
the suction of the mud,
reef your arm back in and you're back up to your shoulder.
Oh no.
Bizzix got you.
Bizzix.
Hillip screams, I haven't saved you.
And he comes running over with his dagger
and he swipes at the one above moot.
And that's going to be an 18.
I want to use your dice.
No, you're going to ruin it.
And that's going to be five piercing damage to that one.
And he is squaring off with this mud creature now.
Back to moot.
All right, so I'm like covered in this mud vomit
is a sentence I thought I would say today.
Yeah, you got it.
It feels like normal mud, but yeah, you're just covered in it.
OK, and is this guy like within reach of me?
Yeah, I mean, he got struck by Hillip.
So he's within like Dagger's reach and he was nearest to you.
So yeah, absolutely.
OK, you're still holding on to Glim at the start of your turn now.
Oh, yeah, I guess I should.
Well, I guess I should probably let go of Glim if I'm going to do some sort of attack,
right, because I can't do both, probably.
Yes, actually, you know what?
I'm going to try and just pull Glim out some more
because I still got my mage hand in effect.
So I got a little added strength going.
OK, so I'll reef a little harder and get the crab clawed to the same.
OK, yes.
So what did we say last time?
Yes.
No, yes, yes, with advantage.
I probably won't need advantage,
but I'll roll just in case I crit.
No, but it was a 19.
You give one hard pull and Glim, you both of you here,
like a loud suction pop as Glim you see in front of you,
claws scrambling up from this mud.
And another one of these creatures begin to lift itself from the mud.
But you have pulled Glim free.
So Glim, you're now prone, but you are free from the mud at the moment.
And maybe I'll like do a little action roll to the side
so I'm like not right in front of one of these things.
Yeah, he's engaged in combat with Hylip.
So yeah, we can say you could do that.
Yeah. I mean, I'm already muddy.
I might as well go for it.
Sure. Sounds good.
Thanks, Moot.
I got you.
It is the creature's turns.
The first one attacks Hylip.
And that's going to be a 16 with its fists.
And he is going to take two bludgeoning damage.
He's picturing this little like little boxer little bat.
Oh, yeah. You want a piece of me?
Totally.
The one that got blasted by the flame breath,
it shrieked in the moment, but then turns back to Sully and zips over really fast.
And probably with advantage.
You need to, why?
Well, because I can't look anywhere in Glim's direction.
Oh, right. You turned.
So yeah, because I'm frightened.
Make a dexterity saving throw with a disadvantage.
Oh, but it was a 19.
Sorry, the next one's going to be even better.
No, it's a 10.
Tried to will it into existence.
Tried to make it a 20.
It's a 17. I've got crazy dex.
So you two get belched, this mud over,
you feel it just kind of drenched your back.
I go like I would and like Amy would.
Not me, Glim, not me.
And the other one pulls itself off out of the mud
and swings its fists at you, Glim, and critically fails.
So it actually falls to the ground and kind of gets sucked back in and absorbed.
No, that's actually an advantage for it.
So I'm not going to do that.
It just looks like a real dork.
Does it knock her loose?
Pulls up and then it's like.
Well, she's already loose.
But it like it becomes running, scrambling at you.
And I'm going to say it hits your shield
and is going to take two bludgeoning damage on the impact on your shield.
Suck on that.
Sully.
Can I make a wisdom?
Yeah, at the end of your turn.
So you have to use your full movement to run away from the creature.
Okay.
Which is Glim.
I ran 25 feet from Glim.
Which will fire the method to be able to hit you.
That's going to be a 17.
Okay.
You're going to take two bludgeoning damage
as it swings at you with its fists as you run away.
Ow!
So now are you running further into the clearing?
I guess kind of around the edge or are you running into the trees?
I'm doing the gauntlet.
Okay, so you're 30 feet away from where you were.
And now you can make your wisdom saving throw.
17!
Yay!
So you are no longer frightened.
Now can I have an action?
No.
It is at the end of your turn.
Yeah.
Suck.
Glim.
You see Sully run screaming, waving mud behind him.
And this thing just hit your shield and bounced off and is now behind you.
Okay, well I'm going to stand up.
So that's half your movement.
Okay, that's okay because it's right there, right?
Yeah.
Dope.
I am going to hit it with that vicious looking war pick.
You got it.
To see the war pick in action.
Do we though?
Because it's an 11.
You show it, do it.
Look at what I have.
So war pick we said that has the pick at the end
and then what does the other end look like?
No, it is just one end.
It's like a pickaxe basically.
Oh right, buddy, yeah.
So it's just like, it's just the shaft and then a pick
and then sort of like a block at the other end.
Right, okay cool.
Did you ever say anything remotely sexual without like an innuendo pause?
Every time.
So you...
Also this dice, it's going back in my bag, fuck this dice.
It's the worst.
Do you have it like on your back?
Like where it is originally?
I think I would have had it out
because we were like chasing a bad guy through the woods, so.
Sure.
Yeah, you pick it up and you stand up
and you swing down and strike this thing square in the head,
roll for damage.
Sure.
Oh, I actually hit it.
Yeah, you did.
Oh, fuck.
Thought for sure.
And it was a lot of lead up for success.
We are very surprised.
I was just trying to get the description down, you know.
See, I don't even have my dice ready.
I shunned that other dice.
That's what mattered.
Yeah.
15 damage.
What?
What?
Yeah, because it's two.
What do you roll for damage?
I'm a liar.
I'm a liar.
I'm a liar.
That's Nulara's character sheet.
No, it's not.
It still is 12.
Oh, 12 is good.
It's 1d8 plus five.
I rolled 2d8 plus five.
I kept the higher one.
I can reroll it if you want.
That's awesome.
No, no, you're good.
Tell me how you kill this mud creature.
How big are they?
Quite literally the size of a bat.
Maybe a little bit bigger.
Okay, then I think I literally probably pierce through it into the ground
because I'm big and this thing is like a big pickaxe.
Your axe strikes into it and it explodes with a burst of sticky mud.
Make a dexterity saving throw.
Well, I have great dex.
Eight.
You get covered in it and you feel like you are restrained
as you try to lift your feet.
You can't move and you can make that saving throw
that you are restrained until your next turn.
Sully, so you're now about 40, 50 feet away.
Right, because I ran.
You went back, you're 60 feet away.
I ran.
I stopped running and I turned around real embarrassed
and I was like there was a bee
and I take, I still have my short bow,
so I let loose an arrow at the other one that's in the air.
The one that came towards you and belched over you?
Yeah.
Okay, yep.
25.
Dang.
Wow.
But not that impressive when you know an 11 would hit it.
Well, roll damage.
I will.
Still impressive, Amy.
Thank you.
That's nine damage of the piercing variety, I'm assuming.
You turn it around and nonchAlydintly fire this arrow
into this creature and it is far enough away
that you don't have to make a dexterity saving throw
as it explodes and you see mud go everywhere.
Look at that.
Gross.
You guys okay?
So far so good.
I'm a little muddy.
I walk toward them for my movement, my 25 feet.
I don't know why I gave you a turn.
It's not your turn.
Well, too late.
Too late?
Yep.
I did so good.
Hillop's turn.
If I wasn't having such a bad day,
you would have rewound that on me, wouldn't you?
No, I wouldn't have.
I gave it to you.
I just, I went out of order.
I went the other way instead of down in initiative order.
Who does that?
Hillop's turn and he swings wide
as he sees the first explosion go and hit glim but misses.
Back to Moot.
So there's one of these things left?
Yes, just the one that you and Hillop are fighting.
Okay.
And I'm a little ways away, correct?
Action roll distance?
You did, yeah.
I mean, you could easily get back there.
I don't think you action rolled more than five feet away.
How far did you action roll?
I mean, it depends on the action roll, right?
It could have been real far.
Was there a slight decline?
Action rolled down a hill.
As you wish.
Okay, I will cast Ray of Frost towards this mama jamma.
Sweet.
Wait, Russ said that was sweet.
I don't like that.
Sweet.
What other shit's gonna happen?
What do I have to do or you have to do for that?
I have to roll a ranged attack spell against you.
Do it.
So Moot shoots his hand out towards this other mud creature thing
and a beam of a white blue light kind of streaks
towards the creature and hits it because I rolled a 19.
It does hit it.
Roll damage.
Excellent.
That is six damage.
So from Hillop's view, this thing gets struck by this beam of this white light,
this magical aura, and it begins to freeze from its feet up and spreads out
and then explodes in his face.
But because it's frozen, it's no longer sticky.
It's piercing.
Sorry, Hillop.
So he's got to make a dexterity saving throw, which was a crit one.
Crit one.
So he's going to take two piercing damage to his face.
Remember when you shot him last time?
Not the money.
No.
Why are you sending it to him?
Poor Hillop.
My god!
This hurts so bad.
The mud spikes in my face.
It's fair.
I make my money.
It's the money maker.
That's okay.
People dig scars.
It's fine.
Newsy?
Oh, yeah.
That's not what my portraitist told me.
Had you not mentioned he's this beautiful, beautiful man?
I told you he had a sweet mustache.
You're right.
Five o'clock shadow everywhere else.
I don't think that piercing will affect his mustache.
Did it like slice half of it off?
Yeah.
Feeling it's half of a mustache.
That's never going to grow back the same.
Nope.
No.
It's like you're missing skin below it.
He doesn't know it yet.
And now you're out of combat.
And Hillop is grasping his face.
Glim, you managed to become unstuck.
I saunter over to them.
Well, that was crazy.
Hey, you got fire in yourself.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I guess I should have warned you or told you.
It's just where I'm from.
Everyone kind of can do something like that.
I didn't realize I should have warned you.
But I'm sorry if I frightened you.
Frightened?
I was frightened.
There was a bee.
Oh, OK.
I mean, we have seen a lot of those,
so that seems like a very logical explanation.
Moot writes a note in his notepad that says,
Sully afraid of fire?
Question mark.
You're going to have all the dirt on us
and then you're just going to write a tell-all at the end.
Are you keeping an actual notebook of what he keeps?
Of the things in your notebook?
I'm doing my best to.
OK, that's good.
So what verse or sings the things
that with the muddy and the flappy and the.
Well, if I'm not mistaken,
I think those are the the the natural predator,
the dirt bat.
So it's the dirt bat.
You know this because of the landscaping.
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes we we found dirt bat mounds.
Oh, so it's not like a nest.
It's a mound.
Yeah, and they, you know,
sometimes when a place is is cleared artificially,
like we see here, sometimes the dirt,
the dirt bats will come and try to make mounds
and their homes and they they will.
They're very territorial.
Deception check.
No one believes a single thing she's saying.
Even Hillup starts to believe you,
but then as you keep going,
he's like my details get fuzzy.
He leans into he leans into mood
and he's like, I think he's blowing the smoke up our butts
for someone who's afraid of fire.
Yes, he's blowing a lot of smoke right now.
So much smoke.
And so the territorial and I'm not surprised
that we had a bit of a kerfuffle with them.
Thank you so much, Sully,
for all of that really good information.
A lot of knowledge there.
I feel like we've kind of lost the bad guy here.
What do you guys think?
Yeah, I think we were not chasing the bats.
We were chasing a man, a human man,
or something very similar with with the boots and the clothes.
Yeah, the fur.
So maybe should we keep trying to find him
or should we go back and see what's in that treasure chest?
Because he's probably going to come back for it.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe we go back and see if it's in the treasure chest.
I would love to see what's in that treasure chest.
Yeah, I guess we don't really know where he went from from here on out.
So we might as well go back.
And if he kept running, I mean, he could be who knows how far away.
Or maybe he looped around and he's back there now.
Exactly.
Welcome back to the middle.
Nobody else jumped in.
It's me again.
If we just wait long enough, Russ will do it.
I didn't want to do it.
And then because like I'm just an extension of Russ over here.
I was like, Tom or Carla might want their voice in there.
We both just froze looking at each other.
Like, are you going to or should I?
Do you?
No, it's often better if both of you jump on, you know, just jump on top.
And then, you know, like the song jump on it, jump on it.
Is that what that song is about?
Absolutely.
You know what else you should jump on this contest that we have
that's only on for the next three days?
See that segue?
That was amazing.
You really should do those segues more often.
But you can win a copy of the Ghost Assault March.
All you got to do is share the post for this episode over on Facebook.
It's linked down in the description or on Twitter.
Share this episode or any episode that you're like, yeah,
I love that episode using the dumb dragon cast hashtag.
And then on August 31st, after that day is over.
So on September 1st, let's say.
So on September 1st, as that day begins,
we will announce the winner of that contest.
Just so no one thinks Russ is going to stay up till midnight
to stay up to award a winner.
He will not.
He will do it in the morning of September 1st.
I mean, all the names are still going to be there.
It's still going to make sense.
It'll be fine.
But enter and hopefully it'll be you because Ghost Assault March.
Dope.
Pirates.
Pirates.
And September 1st is a pretty cool day as well.
Not only because we're giving away that sweet book,
but because we are launching some new Patreon tiers
and we'll have a little episode coming out,
running down everything.
But we're just going to give you a little sneak a peek
at some cool stuff that we've got coming up in that.
We've got a new show starting in January.
What?
Yeah.
Did anybody tell you guys about that?
First time hearing about it.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Perfect.
So we have a new show starting in January.
It's called Facing Fate.
Some of our current patrons have heard the first half of the first season.
But we're going to be rolling that out with all new original music,
all the new artwork, all the new stuff,
redone, all good with new episodes going along with that
exclusively for patrons as part of this new rollout.
It's going to be baller.
Plus some extra bonus monthly episodes.
One of which Tom runs ongoing.
Yeah.
The Adventures of and it's Russ, Amy and Carla playing completely different characters.
So different.
So fun.
And then also we're going to have extra extra bonus monthly stuff.
You know what?
I think we're going to be releasing like a thousand episodes a month.
That sounds about right.
Oh my goodness.
It's probably a little bit too much of us.
Maybe.
Like I said last time they should buckle in.
I'm going to tell you like strap in.
That's all I'm saying.
All kinds of good stuff coming.
So keep an eye on Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast on September 1st.
And in your feed there'll be a there's going to be a little shorty episode coming out
explaining everything that we're doing differently.
So thank you for listening.
We'll get you back to the episode.
Here's some cool promos of some cool stuff that we're going to be doing.
So cool.
So cool.
Hey there, we're DM to GM.
I'm your DM from Dumbgeons and Dragons, Russ More.
And I'm your GM from The End of Time and Other Bothers, Sean Haller.
And what we do here at DM to GM is we answer your questions to help you feel more comfortable
playing the games you want to play.
And what questions would those be, Russ?
They are what game genre would you like to run?
What system are you familiar with or are you looking to use?
And finally, what hurdle is stopping you from running the game that you want to run?
And we don't always agree, but nine times out of 10,
I think we're pretty much on the same page.
I like mazes, Sean doesn't.
It's a big thing.
Don't worry about it.
Aside from the maze thing, we want to share our real experiences,
what we've learned, what's been helpful so that other people can get going.
Because a lot of these hurdles are just in their head.
So all you got to do is send us the answer to those questions
to dm2gmcast at gmail.com.
And we will do our best to answer them.
And then listen to us.
Where do they listen to us, Sean?
They can listen to us anywhere they can find podcasts.
Just search for DM to GM.
Send us your questions, dm2gmcast at gmail.com.
Then listen every other Friday wherever you download podcasts or visit dm2gm.com.
DM to GM.
Get your game started.
As you turn to look at which way to go, you are uncertain.
Everybody make a survival check at disadvantage.
Disadvantage.
Oh, man.
So that was a 19.
That's a 7.
Oh, now it's a 16.
And that has a 14.
I have a 13 and a 12.
That was respectable.
That's good.
Gleam and moot, you're fairly certain about which way to go,
the way that you had come into this clearing.
Sully and Hillop begin walking another direction thinking that they know which way to go.
Guys, I'm pretty sure it's this way.
Like I seem to think that it's this way, too.
Yeah, you notice like remember how I came through and I kind of knocked over all the
brush and it's definitely a wider path kind of going this way.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, that makes sense.
Sure.
Sure.
I was just looking at the foliage.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
No, I mean, it kind of looks like it's open over there.
But OK.
Yeah, we follow you.
We follow you.
OK.
Seems like there's still very topsy-turvy in here.
Does seem like that.
Then it's haunted.
I mean-
Why do you keep saying things like that?
It's very scary.
Hillop, you're the one that brought us into the spooky haunted forest.
That's true.
This is all your fault, man.
I thought there was going to be some money.
Well, there still might be.
Let's not lose hope.
You can buy yourself a new half a mustache.
What?
What's wrong with my mustache?
Onward!
As Moot is making like the don't mention it sign.
Something's wrong with my mustache?
Let's head back to that treasure chest.
Hillop realizes-
Montage of us walking back.
No, you make it back just fine out the way you came
and back to the base of the staircase,
which appears untouched since the last time that you were there.
So really, like, how bad is it?
I can feel that there's a piece missing.
It's just a really small piece.
You get yourself a little bit of beaver fur.
It's a beaver fur.
It's a-
Glue it on.
Same texture as the regular?
Yeah.
No one will know.
What's everybody doing?
I'm skipping up these stairs.
Sully wants to get paid.
Sully came for the treasure.
Sure.
Are we able to roll any sort of check to see if there's any sort of visible
markings on this chest or the surrounding like feet around it?
Yes.
You bound up the stairs before anything else happens.
You've already said it.
I probably do, yeah.
So as Sully begins bounding up the stairs,
Moot, you are more than welcome to do an investigation check limb as well,
if you so desire.
Um, and Sully roll a D8.
I got a 12 for investigation.
I can't find my D8, so I don't have to roll.
Oh, wow.
That's a loophole we can use.
I rolled a 10 for investigation, so not great.
But I do feel like I would, like maybe I would be standing,
you know, with my war pick, like scanning the periphery.
It's trying to see if Esau's lurking.
Moot, you, as you both are entering,
Hillup is asking about his mustache.
Sully begins bounding up the stairs.
Moot, you are looking around the staircase and you see another skull
often to the right of the staircase.
And as you move towards it, you hear kind of a
as you look up the stairs and Sully is gone.
There you go.
Keister, the whole chest.
It's all mine.
Roll another D8.
You're now a demigod.
Hold on, yes, hold on.
Hold on.
Is this a saving throw?
No, this is just a D8.
Because I have that lucky thing.
This is a random table throw that Russ made.
This is a random table.
So Sully gone.
Sully, you find yourself back on the far side of the bridge.
The fuck?
Back to Moot.
Now I saw Sully disappear, correct?
You heard and then looked up and did not see him disappear,
but no longer see him.
I look towards Glim and Hillup and did what?
What?
Where'd Sully go?
What do you mean?
And I turn and look up the stairs like he was just.
Yeah, he I heard a like a popping noise and then he was gone.
I don't know what happened.
I was busy trying to find the beavers.
Is this skull still near me, Russ?
Yes, so you had kind of made it too,
but had not moved to pick it up.
Okay, same sort of skull looks wise as we found before.
Yeah, it looks like a human skull similar as the last one.
Okay, I will.
I'll roll an arcana check on it just to see if I get like
the same sort of vibe from the other one.
It's a 13.
I don't remember what I told you the last time,
but you get that exact same kind of vibe.
Perfect.
Sully yells, I found another skull.
I think I'll pick it up, see if this one says anything too.
So he picks it up.
You pick it up and hold it in your hands,
kind of looking it over and then it
seemingly moves to stare at you and says,
in the graveyard, one, two, three.
Back to Sully.
I look around on this bridge and I'm like,
some mystical shit's going on and I start walking across the bridge.
Like, like the fuck, like just kind of like,
well, yeah, this would happen to me.
It was this close to the treasure.
You just keep getting like zipped around the world.
It's really, it's happened a lot to you.
I feel like I'm like losing time.
Like, is this?
Is Sully a time traveler?
Maybe.
Is this like memento?
Do I need to start leaving notes for myself?
Like.
Maybe.
As you begin to cross the bridge, make a dexterity saving throw.
Son of a motherfucking bitch.
Well, that's just a two.
You're very dextrous.
That is a saving throw.
Oh, I don't think that I'm that dextrous.
Oh, dex, that's plus seven, that's nine.
All you hear as you step about halfway is the snap of one of the panels beneath you
and you fall through, make a dexterity check.
Still fall.
Where's?
Just dexterity.
Oh, okay.
Twenty.
And grab the ropes as you hear the rushing rapids below you.
I'm having the worst day.
Back to everybody else.
Okay, well, we have to figure out where Sully went.
He just just disappeared.
That's not good.
Also, what is in the graveyard?
One, two, three mean?
I don't know.
I don't like these talking skulls.
They're not very helpful.
Skulls come from.
But our friends just went poof.
Maybe if we go poof too and we end up where he is.
What if he's somewhere really bad?
Well, then he probably needs our help.
This is a great idea, Hillop.
You're right.
Good point.
Yep.
And I start going up the stairs.
Eight.
You could poof somewhere else.
Well, I would try and rescue you, though.
You would.
Eight.
Cool.
Great.
I don't think it is cool.
I don't think it is.
So you make it up to the top of the stairs and you look down and you see the chest
before you.
Oh, well.
That doesn't sound overly, and I quote, cool.
Because he probably wanted me to end up somewhere bad and instead I just made it.
OK, guys, good news, bad news.
I didn't disappear.
I don't know if that's good or bad.
And here's a treasure chest.
Do we think Sully touched the chest?
As Glim turns around and addresses you,
Hillop and Moot, you see that Glim has grown a full bushy beard.
Cool.
That is cool.
Give some to Hillop.
Hillop runs up the stairs.
Hillop can use some.
Is it to replenish your full luscious mains there, my dear?
Get up there, Hillop.
It might do that for you, too.
Oh, my goodness.
This is the best day ever.
He runs up the stairs.
Um, he runs up the stairs and then you hear him scream, ah, as he begins to leap up the
stairs.
The two of you don't know why, but he jumps and goes over the side and grabs onto the edge.
And it's like, it's it's crumbling.
Help me, help me.
You don't see it crumbling.
Hillop, it's and I'll start to walk towards him to grab his hand, help him up.
Like, buddy, it's not.
Everything is very structurally sound.
It's okay.
Be careful, my bearded friend.
And I'm like, bearded friend?
As you put your hands, you feel a large bushy beard that has sprouted from your face.
Oh, my goodness.
Am I able to go and help him?
You reach down and you manage to pull him up.
And as you do, and as he steps back on top, he looks down.
He says, but it's it's it was crumbling.
Back to Sully.
Sully, so I'm hanging from these ropes.
Yeah.
Make a dexterity check to try and get yourself up.
Well, I was just going to, like, try to call some bird friends.
Just do some pull ups.
I mean, that is a classic halfling move to call in giant birds to save your ass.
Right.
I was thinking more like Disney princess, like, oh, I rolled a fucking.
Plus five.
That's a seven.
You reach up and try and pull yourself up and another one snaps.
Make a dexterity savings.
The two.
Oh, my goodness.
This dice is retired.
That dice is not a good one.
Get it out of there.
That's a seven.
No.
That's a nine.
You fall into the river.
Roll for buoyancy.
And now you are in a river.
Which is moving reasonably fast.
What do you do?
Did the cult give you any aquatic training?
There was a lot of aqua size.
Well, I try to remember all my river training and I just I make my surface area
as big as possible, as little as I am to try to stay afloat.
You never put your feet down in a river because that's how you drown.
And I try to if there's any debris or any logs or anything rushing in this river with me,
I will try to clamor on to it so that I can stay afloat.
Fuck this game.
Nothing nothing really around you.
So you just float down the river?
Well, I guess since floating down the river, I mean, could be really great.
Maybe instead, I will throw a rope and try to like lasso a rock on the edge of the river?
Sure.
An athletics check probably.
Yeah, just maybe straight decks.
That's probably fine.
Sure.
Fuck everything and everybody.
Eleven.
Yeah, you manage to fasten a crude lasso of sorts and throw it and it catches a rock on
the side of the bank and you begin to swing back and towards the edge.
As you get closer to it, you can feel the floor beneath it or feel the ground beneath
the river and it feels slower by the edge so you can stand up.
The face, I think we said, was about 20 feet up.
I sit down and I catch my breath for a minute.
Back to the everybody else.
Back to the people not fucking everything up entirely.
I mean, I feel like we're fucking everything up entirely too.
No, that's fine.
One of you has really great beer.
I mean, we could just, we're up here now.
Maybe we just like opens a box.
I want to stay down below after seeing weird things happening.
Okay, I'm just going to try and open it and just see what happens.
I mean, we don't know that Sully might have tried to open it like we didn't see.
I mean, it kind of makes sense that he would have run up here and opened it.
So maybe you should.
Okay, yeah.
He goes to lift the lid and it opens up and inside there is a pile of gold.
We found the gold.
We lost a friend, but we found the gold.
Well, that's not a great trade-off.
As you say that, you hear a cackling laugh echo through the trees and the forest above you.
Does that sound evil?
Back to Sully.
No.
No?
Just no.
Pass.
Wait, we can do that?
Okay.
No, I look back up at the cliff.
Like Sully is so lazy.
He does not want to fucking climb that goddamn cliff.
You've moved like, I don't know, 300 feet down this river at this point, too.
Oh, good.
So I have to go 300 feet and then 20 feet vertical.
I mean, you could go vertical first and then 300 feet, but your call.
Whatever you want to do.
What kind of terrain am I looking at going vertical?
Is it like foresty or like?
It's like it's a rocky kind of mud, you know, river carved straight cliff face with rocks
and roots and stuff sticking out of it.
All right.
Looks fairly scalable.
Okay.
I put my rope back into my pack and I start to scale this rocky ledge.
You, after a few long moments, managed to make it back up to the top.
And as you step up and onto the edge, you hear an echoing, cackling laugh coming out
and over the trees.
And it seems to come down and envelop you with sand.
Oh god, that sounds evil.
Fuck this game.
Why'd you go over the bridge?
You should have went over the log like we all did before.
Well, I forgot about that.
I, honest to God, had no idea where I was.
You put me on a bridge.
I'm like, I should better fucking go over this bridge.
Can't remember if it was before or after the bridge.
B's were long before.
Okay.
Well, yes, I should have.
Cursed Are the Woods was part of today's adventure created by Eric Dalek.
Licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0.
Visit creativecommons.org slash licenses slash buy dash SA slash 3.0.
The songs long road ahead.
Come play with me by Kavin McLeod of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
All songs are licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 4.0.
Visit creativecommons.org slash licenses slash buy slash 4.0.