It's okay, you haven't missed it, the ceremony's about to begin, and Dumbgeons and Dragons will begin in just a moment.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a D&D actual play podcast, and I'm your Dungeon Master, Russ More, HeHim.
Also with me today is Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave, HeHim.
Hey mom, mom, this isn't where you're supposed to be sitting.
Carla Maxted as Lady Marison the First.
You're so sad. Come on, let's go have a drink.
Amy More as Eloin the Second.
So have they done marriage classes?
And Kyle Claset as Baroness Yselle the Third.
Here, let's go wash your hands off.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon-supported podcast, and we'd love for you to join us today at patreon.com slash DumbDragonCast.
You'll get a 7-day free trial to check things out.
And now, let's get right to it.
Fuck it, let's play!
The banquet hall is a buzz, as everybody's taking their seats getting ready for the ceremony.
The music is gently lifting, encouraging people to start to quiet down, and we move among the crowd.
Kavlaran, where have you placed yourself?
Well, I took a look at the seating chart and I actually didn't see a spot for me anywhere, which was both upsetting and about right.
So he's just kind of playing Rover at the moment.
He just drifts from table to table.
If there's an open seat, he'll go just hang out for a couple minutes until, you know, the person's back from the bathroom and he's off to the next seat.
Just filling it for the camera.
Making sure everything looks full.
You are in every picture.
Amazing.
Lady M?
Well, Lady M has found all of the highest status people and has joined with them.
These are all the lords and ladies, the zoomed-ins, the pet bros, the Balquins, everyone that she was brought up with and has known for many, many, many years.
So they're all together and chatting and catching up on life.
She has produced a few documents showing how unfairly she was treated in the dissolving of her marriage and the subsequent settlement.
But I mean, it's very it's she's doing it classily.
Of course.
Yeah.
Well, there's some people looking over these documents with some with some scowls on their face.
Yes.
Yeah. The narrative wasn't really to her favor.
We move over to Ellowin.
Where are you seated?
Are we is this like at the front with the bridesmaids?
Well, I mean, are we sitting down?
Like, what is the situation here?
Are we talking like pews aisle bridesides groom side?
Are we is it just more of like open table?
We know this is a fifth marriage.
They didn't quite put as much money into it.
Yeah.
Where are we?
Yeah.
No, there's definitely we said there were tables being moved around, but those I think were a little bit more off to the side.
So we do have rows of chairs.
There is loose bride side groom side, but everybody's encouraged to sit wherever they please.
So long as Kavlaran can keep eyes on everybody at all times.
I'm in the front row and I'm trying to catch the like the attention of the person who will be performing the wedding ceremony.
The officiant.
Yes.
Wherever they might be.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Look, what are you doing to try and catch his attention?
Just like a little like.
Whoo.
He's just kind of shut up, Tom.
Go try and give him that cool high five that you have did.
That will get it'll get his attention.
You see him kind of look up and then back to his notes.
We're going to be beginning in just a moment.
Yes.
No, I know.
I know.
I just have I have a quick question.
OK.
Have you have you met with the bride and groom?
Oh, yes.
Yes.
It's a formal.
We do meet several times leading up to.
Oh, Catholic wedding.
Yeah.
Well, I don't like to just show up.
You know, I don't like to get to know him.
You know, play a game of like gin rummy.
You know, really set the stage for what they want.
So have they done marriage classes?
Like how how dedicated do you feel like this this engagement is?
He kind of pauses.
And are you going to be asking if anybody has anything to say?
That's kind of can see this happening.
And it's like frantically like getting through the crowd to get out there.
And like he kind of slides in.
So, hey, what are you guys talking about?
Well, every wedding's different.
Your dad would know.
But I was wondering if this was going to be just a traditional, you know, ceremony or.
Well, you know what?
You know what?
You know, what's fun, Elwin, is maybe we just like experience as it happens
and we just like drink it all in while it's happening,
because like not knowing is part of like the fun, right?
And on that confused look, we transition over to Yselle.
Like, I think that's I think you're talking about a birthday present.
Not a wedding.
Where's where's Yselle and what's Yselle up to?
Yselle has clocked a bridesmaid and her spouse.
And now that they've started separating off for the bridesmaid to be with the bridal party,
I've sat myself next to him and I am openly flirting with him in hopes of upsetting her.
Get it, girl.
All right.
I like your and my goal.
Yeah, it's literally to like make her mad.
You sidle up to this gentleman like in it so you can still be seen as this is happening.
Yeah.
What's your first move?
First move is like, oh, that is quite the garment you're wearing there.
Where did you where did you get that fashion?
Oh, well, it's a custom piece.
There's a new tailor downtown.
It's invite only, Fredericks.
If you know somebody, he pulls out a card and hands it to you.
Get you in there.
Oh, thank you so much.
I take the card and I scoot up and I sit next to him.
Say, have you ever shopped at a chest of drawers?
As a matter of fact, I have and he's looking around.
He's part back some of his hair.
Look out of the corner of your eye.
I'm looking for it.
Look out of the corner of your eye.
It's so intimate.
Just watching Amy do that, I was like, I shouldn't see that.
It's very intimate.
Kav clocks this from across the room.
And the bridesmaids have clocked this.
Like they're lined up like on the hallway.
They're not far out.
And you just turn and you look and you see like she's just got fire in her eyes.
Like, what the hell are you doing?
Big smile.
Yeah.
Hey, mom, mom, this isn't where you're supposed to be sitting.
Oh, Kav, darling, have you met my friend?
Was it Chris?
Frederick.
It's your shop.
She's flirting with you.
Trying to get at them.
You're just trying to make a sale.
What is happening?
The amount of deception layered.
Layer is an onion in this bitch.
Frederick, I was just having a conversation with this lovely gentleman.
Where is the ceremony going to start soon?
I'd really like.
I'm hungry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's going to start real soon.
But you know that I've always got your back, sweet mother.
So Kav reaches into his pocket and pulls out.
I'm assuming some sort of candy bar type of treat.
I just don't know what that would be in this scenario.
A piece of honeycomb.
What do we got?
Yeah, sticky gooey.
They're called globby goose.
All the kids love them, which is why the Kavlaran has so many of them.
But because they've been in your pocket, they are a little warmed.
So the parchment that they're wrapped in is like all mounted and stuck together.
And you hand it to her and it's like squishing into Play-Doh.
So, you know, just let's let's go get you over to your seat where you can hang out with the Schneiderhounds.
Schneiderhounds.
Oh, that's going to hang out with them.
Yeah, yeah, because I talked to to to Papa and he figured that would be a really good table for you to spend some time at.
I think your papa is right.
I'm going to have a good time with the Schneiderhounds.
Now, we have to talk about this thing where you keep leaving candy in your pockets.
I've been telling you since you were a young lad that you need to remove them, otherwise they will melt.
Here, let's go wash your hands off.
OK, Mom, as you get up and you're going to wash his hands off, you're walking like down the aisle as the music.
We are not.
We are not walking down the aisle.
OK, you're walking up the aisle then as the music like cuts out and the officiant looks at you and says, if you could please, please take your seats.
He has to wash his hands just one second.
It's OK. We'll just we'll sit right here.
I'll just...
Did you have a wet wipe?
Yes, let me check.
Dig out a wet wipe and get his face.
Sorry, old habits and hand it to him.
The music as you sit down picks up and the bridal party begins to enter.
Everybody looks very beautiful, very pink floral bridesmaids dresses.
The groomsmen come in. Kavlaran you were not invited to be a groomsmen.
Neither here nor there.
You've got a much more important job happening right now in the eyes of your father, though.
And then the bridal procession starts and your father walks in and he is nervously looking around the room for Kavlaran you clock him.
He's looking for you and he catches your eye and he gives you like just like a very sneaky thumbs up.
Like everything OK?
And with with Kav's mom right next to me like holds up a hand and is like 50-50 sign.
Yeah, he gives a nod to kind of the side and shrugs and he walks past you and just here under his breath.
Well, here we go and makes his way up.
I can do this.
I don't know how many of you would have met the bride previous.
It sounds like not all of you certainly have, but she enters led with her father coming in.
Very beautiful long gown sequined dress, long train and veil, very fair skinned.
She looks younger, not young, but younger.
We're all half elves, what does that mean?
As they all do.
Oh, you know, you know.
I know.
And she's led up to the front of the room and handed, not handed.
We're not going to do that bullshit.
My face is used, you said it.
No.
Gross.
Kav's dad gives her dad a goat.
The ceremony begins.
He hits her over the head with his club, drags her back.
Marriage.
Ceremony done.
Because it's fantasy, it needs to be realistic.
That's right.
They part, he sits back down and all of them are up there.
Are we in the middle?
Russ hit record, so I feel like we're in it.
I don't know.
Yeah.
We're in the middle of talking about wonderful stuff.
We're in the middle of talking about dogs and how much we love them.
Exactly.
Love dogs?
Exactly.
You know what else?
Or love the people who listen to us.
Exactly.
Yes.
I was going to say we love dogs.
We love things with D, like Dumbgeons and Dragons, and Dumbgeons and Dragons listeners.
It just turns our podcast into an adjective.
Sure.
Yeah.
I like it.
It also brings us very quickly to the Patreon dedication.
If we're doing things that start with D, it felt like a natural transition to
throw to that.
Today's episode is dedicated to Donna Nalbone.
Thank you, Donna.
Wow.
I love it.
Donna, this was meant to be your episode.
Absolutely.
Oh my goodness.
I hope we don't all D-I-E, Donna.
I'm sorry.
Oh no.
That would be a memorable episode for you though.
It would be a memorable episode.
We're going to not.
We're going to not, Donna, because we love you.
Yeah.
For that reason alone.
Do we die?
We do not.
Or do we?
Who knows?
Russ, right?
Don't, Russ.
What?
I can't kill you all off with Amy not here.
That's true.
That would be just rude.
This is the hard launch of the podcast, Just Being the Morse.
To be fair, recording would be a lot easier.
Oh my god, really?
Yeah.
I feel like Amy.
You wouldn't have to be wrangling nearly as much.
That's true.
The prank would be good though, is if Amy and I sit down and we're just sitting here waiting
and then I just go live and then nobody else is here.
She's like, what the heck?
Just Jess up in the corner.
Oh, that would be pretty funny.
Okay, so maybe for like an April Fools thing.
Maybe for April Fools or something.
Maybe, yeah.
Or we can flip the narrative where it's like, yeah, all of us die and all of a
sudden we're the children to Alydin.
There it is.
Yep.
Well, Donna, if that happens, it's because of this brainstorm.
You heard it here first.
Yes.
So thank you, Donna.
Thanks, Donna.
Yep.
Hey, you can join us on Patreon at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, where you get
a week free.
And when does this episode come out?
I don't know.
We probably got a sale going on soon.
So check it out.
I don't know what day this comes out.
So could be now, could be in a week from now.
It's happening.
Either way, it's around the corner.
It is.
Always is.
It's going to be on a day ending.
And why?
Oh, I know it.
Thanks for listening.
We love you.
We'll talk to you very soon.
OK, bye.
Love you.
Bye.
The officiant begins and we kind of cut ahead a little bit.
And the officiant finishes his speech and nods towards Lord Harrison, who takes
his bride's hands and he smiles genuinely, looks to the crowd, sees all of his wives
and then looks to Kavlaran.
What's the I guess what's the face that everybody gives as he's looking around
and sees each of you three?
Elowen's decided to sit on the left side so that when he's facing the bride, he's
looking at her like in her mind, right?
Like she's got his eyes and she is just like, like just like holding it back.
He kind of pans her over, likely sees Lady M.
Just impassivity.
Cool as a cucumber.
Nods.
Yeah, nods.
That's what I expect.
And then back over to Kavlaran and Ezell.
Who has stepped away and is filling up a glass of rose.
From behind the bar.
He looks at Kavlaran, a little confused, but then looks to the bar and yeah, OK.
And then looks to Kavlaran and he just like starts counting.
And then gives like a questioning four.
Like Kavlaran holds his hands up in a little X and a little like shrug like.
I love the charades game.
I love it as if not everyone can see.
The officiant just stopped talking and then they're like, they're doing baseball signals.
It's cool.
He looks back to his wife and his soon to be wife rather and begins his vows and clears his throat.
And he says, my love, I stand before you, having lived a life enthusiastically.
There's a gentle laugh from the crowd.
I have loved boldly.
I have loved poorly.
And I have loved in ways that taught me exactly what love is not.
Elwyn leans to the person beside her and goes, does he say the same vows every time?
They look over to you.
Really?
You see him kind of nervously squeeze her hands.
But loving you feels different.
It's not because it's perfect, but because it is honest.
Takes a breath steady.
I promise not that I will never err, but that I will always return.
Not that I will never doubt, but that I will never hide those doubts from you.
And he kind of looks over to Kavlaran and gives like a little like, you got this?
He's slowly snaking his way to other seats.
And not that this love will be the last, only that it will be the truest.
Slides a new drink in front of Lady Eve and takes her old one away.
I have learned that love is not proven, but how fiercely it burns.
But by how carefully it is tended.
He smiles softer now.
Tissues for Elwyn.
So I vow this.
To choose you in joy, to choose you in mess, to choose you even when the world grows loud with old stories.
And he glances just briefly toward the crowd, toward the past for him.
I have lived many chapters.
Today, I am not erasing them.
I am turning the page.
And he lifts her hands and says, with you.
She goes on to say her vows, because this isn't about her, this is about him.
I still don't even think they caught her name.
Nope.
Gwendovir.
Gwendovir, a beautiful name.
The most beautiful name in the world.
Which I feel like I've said before, but I can't remember about who.
For sure you have.
I've gotten written down.
Good, good, good.
It's a common name.
Because it's so beautiful.
It's so beautiful.
The vows are finished.
It has beautiful vows, honestly.
Yeah, really nice.
I mean, this guy sucks, but beautiful.
Yeah, no, he's working through some things.
I like how he snuck in there that this probably won't last, but damn it, will it?
But like, whew.
At least he's honest.
Real better-to-burn-out-than-fade-away situation.
Gotta love that as the fifth wife.
The officiant looks to them and says, the rings.
They exchange their rings and says,
Do you, Lord Harrison, take Lady Gwendovir to be your lawfully wedded wife?
He says, I do.
Lady Gwendovir, do you take Lord Harrison to be your lawfully wedded husband?
And she says, Wait!
I'm sorry, is everything okay?
I'm sorry.
Harrison looks to you and says, Elowen, is everything okay?
No, you're making a mistake.
Oh, Elowen.
The mistake is that you haven't had me up to speak about how awesome you are, Papa.
Of course, of course.
This is a move.
No.
I mean, trying to take that bullet anyway.
For not being invited and then all this, like, you are going above and beyond.
No, Elowen and I had chatted before the ceremony, and she had said it would be such a good idea if I just got up there
and talked about what a great papa you are.
Oh, well, I mean, we had some time at the speeches, but yeah, it's unorthodox.
But of course, yes, come on up, Kavlaran.
He's taking the cue and, like, just allowing this to happen.
Just a second, Gwendovir.
Yes, it's ceremonial in the Goldweave family to have the firstborn son of the third wife come up
and give a speech before the fifth wife's wedding.
Of course, yes, yes.
As everyone here knows already.
You come up and turn to face the crowd who has gone like dead silent.
When I was invited to this wedding, I dropped everything and ran here.
Because I knew how important it was to my papa.
And he has always been there for me through thick and thin, wedding after wedding after wedding.
He's my rock.
And it's really nice to see that he's found someone to be his rock.
And I just want to say Gwendovir, this beautiful name.
I've never heard it before, but it's absolutely amazing.
It's lovely to meet you for the first time, Kavlaran.
Yes, yes, interesting circumstances to meet someone.
But I just I wanted to say welcome to the family and fifth time's the charm.
And I hold up my drink of the same name.
Everybody else in the crowd also holds up their drink.
Your father leans into you and says that was very moving.
I knew I had you.
You know what? You're in the wrong place, Kavlaran.
And he turns to his best man.
Oh, no, no, no, no, that's quite all right.
He's doing it.
It's quite all right.
And he's like, Gary, go sit down.
He's demoting him.
He's demoting Gary.
Gary, I'm so sorry.
Gary spent so much on the bachelor party.
Gary's out a lot.
I'm so sorry, Gary.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, that'd be another one in a couple of years.
It's fine.
And he pulls you up and says, you come stand here.
And then he leans in.
He's like, it's also a better vantage point, just in case.
Well, you know who shows up.
Oh, no, that's 100 percent why I thought you were doing that.
Yes. No, I appreciate it.
Also, Elluin looked like she was going to just lose it.
Anyway, back to the wedding.
Sorry.
His lapel mic's been on the whole time.
Yeah.
Where were we?
And Guindavere looks at him and says,
well, I was just about to say, I do.
And she looks around the crowd and sees the various states of previous wives.
And she says, you see, everybody looks at her.
And she's got this face like, I can fix him.
And she says, I can do this.
I can do this.
I do.
The officiant says, well, with that, you are now Mr.
and Mrs. Lord Harrison Goldweave.
You may now kiss the bride.
They do.
There's a ruckus cheer from the crowd.
Maybe not everybody, but.
There's some ugly crying happening in the front row.
Various emotions happening.
The band strikes up again.
And Harrison and Guindavere head back down the aisle.
The crowd sees them off.
And everybody's milling about, not milling about, standing up.
Lots of people heading towards the bar.
There's an announcement that goes over.
It's Benny.
The lord and lady will be taking some time for sketches in the garden.
And then after that, the toasts and dinner shall begin.
The reception shall begin.
That's where that happens.
It's not my first, won't be my last.
He looks at Kavlaran gives him a wink.
He's like, you know.
Killing it, Benny.
100% thought Benny was going to come on and be like,
To the person with the white Prius.
You are parked in the wrong.
In the loading zone.
I just wanted to say that the eagle has landed.
The eagle has landed.
I'll just wait for it.
You see them and the bridal party all head out towards the garden.
Leaving you a moment to make bad decisions.
I think lady M is going to go to Ellowen.
Oh, darling.
Still.
Here, have it.
There's a handkerchief.
I can't believe.
How can you still let him affect you like that?
This is the difference between you and I.
I loved him.
I love him.
And that doesn't just go away.
Well, I know.
I know.
If their love is real, they should be able to stand up to a question.
Why didn't he ask if anyone objected?
Why didn't he ask?
You're right, my dear.
Oh, you're right.
It's.
I mean, it's very pathetic, but my heart does go out to you.
You're so sad.
Let me come on.
Let's go have a drink.
Not one of these terrible fifth times the charm.
A real drink.
From somewhere in all of the tool of her wedding dress,
she pulls out a little unmarked bottle of amber liquor.
Yes.
It's just like.
Yes.
Ellowen, that is exactly what we need.
I thought it might not have gone my way this time, but I guess.
I suppose there's.
I don't want to say there's still hope.
There isn't hope.
You've aged out.
I'm so sorry.
I wish it wasn't so, but he's a terrible man.
Wouldn't you want someone to fight this hard for you?
It's very romantic.
I will admit it's very romantic, misguided, foolish, embarrassing,
but very romantic.
Two of you have made your way over to the bar
as much as you are drinking from Ellowen.
We're best friends now.
We need a glass.
That's what we need.
We're not animals.
Well, you turn and you see both of them headed towards the bar,
but headed towards your direction.
Because you're now bartending the shindig.
I'm imagining you're just like cocktails there.
We went flair cocktailing.
Yep, I've pushed the bartender out of the way.
I'm just taking care of myself though.
See you two pull up.
Ladies, please have a seat.
Oh, my goodness.
How are you?
I must say, your boy, he's working very hard.
Oh, Cav.
To keep us all contained.
But I had a thought.
I hate him.
Ellowen loves him, but hates him.
Yselle, what are your thoughts?
Do you hate him?
Do you love him?
Do you have strong emotions right now?
You're talking about my son Cavalarin?
No, no.
Of course you love Cav.
I'm talking about that bastard.
A bastard, Harrison.
Cav is an angel.
He is the best thing.
The rosé.
I would never tell you I hate Cav.
Oh, I'm so sorry for the confusion.
I have been drinking out of that small bottle.
Well, honestly, I could give two shits at this point.
I mean...
Oh, good for you.
Sure, it was lovely while it lasted.
It was bright, flashy, and...
I feel like I'm pretty locked in, though, with Cav, so...
Yes, you did get that sweet angel boy out of the deal, so...
You came out ahead of us, didn't she, Ellowen?
Well, I really feel like I came out ahead once the fourth one came around
and it took a little time to stop icing me out just because I gave a kid,
and it's been really nice getting to know you two, and...
The icing out was the worst part.
Just use your words.
You're an adult half-elf.
Just say, I found someone else.
I'm breaking the vows that we made under the name of the gods
and for both of our families' benefits, and I'm moving on.
At least just say it.
Don't just...
Oh, my goodness.
I completely agree.
If he would just say that it meant something and that it was done,
but he didn't ever just say that.
It was just kind of drifty, and then it was over, and like it...
He starts misbehaving as if you're going to leave him.
Hey, hey, what are my three favorite ladies talking about?
Oh, just what an angel you are.
The statistical anomaly of a Sith wedding.
I'll probably have another chance.
And maybe another one after that.
So, you know what?
Life is full of chances.
Yeah, we live a long time.
Kavlarne, you'd rushed back in
because you did get swept away in with the bridal party,
and then as you got outside, your father was like,
As much as I need you, would love to have you out here.
I kind of need you in there.
Could you send Gary back, please?
Oh, Gare Bear.
Gary's a roller coaster of emotions for this wedding.
Poor Gary. I hope he doesn't go.
I hope he leaves.
I hope he stands up for himself.
He should just come over here.
Shit talk, Harrison.
Yeah, he should.
This is where the real party is.
But as you're rejoining this conversation, Kavlarne,
you catch out of the corner of your eye heading...
Someone has walked into the building
and gone down the back hall, and you see this woman,
and she is dressed all in black
and disappears into one of the back areas,
out of sight, and heads back towards
where your father was hanging out before the ceremony.
I don't want to alarm anyone,
but the fourth has arrived.
Interesting.
I don't know about you ladies.
I look forward to seeing her.
I thought I was going to be the one who made the biggest
fool of themselves at this.
Let's see what happens.
Look, I got to go.
I got to go take...
I just...
You know.
High fives?
High fives.
Just make sure the bet goes in my direction, okay?
I offer the liquor bottle to him.
You're going to need it.
I take a hit of it.
Absolutely.
You're going to need it.
Kavlarne, you're heading quickly back down the hallway.
You don't know where exactly she went,
but you're checking every single door,
trying to track her down.
Dumbgeons and Dragons Season 4 Episode 47
Starring Tom Laird as Kavlarne Goldweave
Carla Maxted as Lady Marizan the First
Amy More as Ellowin the Second
Kyle Claset as Baroness Yiselle the Third
and Russ More as your Dungeon Master
Dialogue Editing and Sound Design of today's episode is by Russ More.
Our Community Manager is Jessica Babiak
Music is from Epidemic Sound
And sound effects are from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art is by Matt Garbutt.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak, Ongorong Kierzen, Perry Matey,
Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Old School Gamer D,
Craig Zeiss, L.A. Branton, Chibs1012, and Kudzu828
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon-supported podcast
and all of our amazing community help make sure
that we have adventures for you every single week.
Come join us today, patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
We hope to see you over there and you have yourself, right now, a great week.
Yes, and we'll talk to you very, very soon.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.