Adventures on the way, stick around for Dumbgeons and Dragons, starts in a moment.
Kavlaran and Bizard, you are on a ship, one of the first ships to leave Vintersmouth,
heading up the River River towards Kingstown. You've been traveling for the better part of a
day. It takes about a day to make the full journey, so you're getting close.
You're up at the bow. As you crest a wave, the ship lands and grounds a bend,
and you see Kingstown up ahead in front of you.
It is, it's been a minute. I have not seen Kingstown in quite some time.
Oh, it's only been a little bit for me, but how long for you?
A little over five years. I came back once for half a day, but it's been a long time.
Business trip? Or?
Yeah, I just needed to come back and get some supplies. I wanted to say hello to my mom and
make sure she was okay. It's a good opportunity to kind of do that again,
but don't necessarily like sticking around too long.
It's fair. Now, is that like, I don't mean to presume,
you don't want me to come with you to see your mom, do you?
Oh, no, you didn't come with me to see my mom. I mean,
do you want me to go with you to attest to the illegalities going on in those books?
I mean, it wouldn't hurt to have a witness, I guess, but no need.
It's pretty ironclad with the book, so.
For sure, for sure. No, yeah, you're more than welcome to come. We can go to,
we can go meet her at the restaurant that she works out. If she's still there,
it's called The Cured Pig. If we can make our way there, then, you know,
we at least have a nice meal whenever we get in.
Okay, cool. Yeah. I mean, I'm always down to eat.
Excellent. When do you think you'll get over to getting those books?
Do you want to do that first thing?
Uh, I mean, probably the quicker the better.
Makes sense. You know,
rip the bandaid off sort of thing. Um, yeah, maybe stop.
Well, if we stop there first, we're probably not going to eat for a while.
Okay, stop to eat first, then I'll head over there.
You can come with if you want, or if you want to go see your mom while I do my thing,
totally cool. Let's get a bite to eat.
I'll stick with you. And what happens, happens.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a D&D actual play podcast, and I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, He-Him.
Also joining me today is Amy More as Alydin, She-Her.
I want to know my float, okay?
Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane, She-Her.
It's maybe not exactly what you think, but it is, it's very fun.
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave, He-Him.
Just ignore that I said that. I feel, oh my.
And Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard, He-Him.
It's like a curd, in a way.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon-supported podcast,
and you can join us today at Patreon.com slash TumDragonCast.
There's a seven-day free trial and a whole bunch of episodes for you to listen to.
We hope to see you over there.
And now fuck it, let's play!
We cut to those buns though, which is in a bit of disrepair, still being put back together
after the recent attacks, and sitting out in a couple of chairs on the patio
are Bonwyn and Follon-Varam.
He's been popping in every couple days, just making sure that everything's going okay, and
he's very interested in how business runs in the town and how the city operates,
and it's really taken to you because you seem to be tapped into
a lot of the things that are happening.
So, you mentioned the other day that the children don't go to school here?
Oh, well they couldn't because there are no schools.
There used to be.
I went to school.
I was lucky enough to grow up here when they still were funding that on this side of the
river, but yeah, no, it's too tough.
Times got so tough that a lot of kids just had to go work in the family businesses, but
their parents would have sacrificed to keep them in school, but there's no funding,
and the buildings were all getting dilapidated, and yeah, it's a tragedy, honestly.
That all happened under the current mayor, yes?
Yeah, Mayor Knops.
I mean, his predecessor also was not great.
I mean, it takes a while for the whole kind of structure of a society to break down,
so it can't entirely be on Mayor Knops's head, but you know,
he has been in office for a long time.
Does there anybody in town say that they came into the correct amount of funding
if they'd want to start up the school again?
Like who would they talk to to make that happen?
Perhaps, yeah.
Well, I mean, yeah, definitely nobody official.
So private?
Yeah, there's a lot of really good folks in the business association
working on kind of like improvement projects to keep things going, and yeah,
we're all really passionate about the town and want to make things better, and I mean,
this whole thing is a challenge now, obviously, you know, hard to get the schools back going.
Of course, yes, no, it's terrible.
Half the city's burned down, but...
Interesting.
Well, it's something for me to think about.
I myself am a bit of a philanthropist of sorts,
travel around helping where I can and see a need.
What's the saying, see a need?
Fill a need?
Fill a need, yeah.
Everybody in this town seems to be some of the most lovely people I've ever met.
I think one to one, we have some of the best people,
but yeah, it's just the systems that are not so good,
but individuals, again, especially on this side of the river,
all the artisans, all just good and hardworking folk.
He looks off into the distance for a second.
Yes, yes, sorry, something for me to think about, that's all.
Oh, you know, I just had a thought.
June, who is in the business association, did used to be a teacher.
She was my teacher, so she might be a good person to talk to.
She's actually done all kinds of jobs around here, and you'll love her.
I don't want to oversell her, but June is a hoot and a half.
I bet she'd have some ideas about it,
because she was really like in the trenches in the school system.
So that's a thought.
Of course, that sounds great.
June, you said, where could I find her?
Well, she'll definitely be at Wing Night at Brood Awakening.
If you haven't been, it's maybe not exactly what you think, but it is, it's very fun.
Coming around the corner, you hear fast footsteps and Alydin zipping past your table.
Hey, Alydin, do you need a pastry or you're good?
Can't talk, gotta open the shop.
OK, I mean, it's a bit, it's a bit OK.
She's gone.
It's a bit early for her to have to open the magic closet right now, but she's, she's eager.
Follin looks at June and says, and the children operate.
Oh, oh, I see.
She is not the proprietor of the magic closet.
Bizarre runs the magic closet.
She's sort of like, maybe almost like his apprentice.
He's kind of taken her under his wing and she's very, she's so smart and she's really
brave and pretty great.
We hear the chime of a bell as the door to the magic closet
swiftly opens and Alydin, you get in and start opening the shutters
and getting the shop ready for the day.
OK, open sign and curtains open.
And oh, oh, bring out, bring it up.
She runs into the back and and get some items that she knows needs to go out on
the shelves and starts stocking the shelves.
As you're pulling those items out, you quick double glance at the at the cash register
and it appears that Bizarre has left you a note.
You go over, you pick it up and it says,
Alydin, I know you'll do well taking care of the shop.
You shouldn't need to worry about any of the inventory.
Everything is stocked and ready to go.
Just refill the shelves at the end of the day.
There's a long pause on the piece of paper and then maybe some scratched out,
some really scratched out scribbles, right?
It's like says, make sure you feed yourself.
Don't worry about just the store while the store is important.
Remember to take care of yourself.
It's the first lesson of business.
Bizarre.
Wow.
My first lesson of business.
I wonder if you left any money in the till.
I did.
There's like 50 gold in the till.
You turn the note over.
There's a parenthetical.
It's like, I know how much is in the till.
I counted it.
I want to know my float.
OK, I'd want to know if I was like, sorry, you guys.
Exact change only.
OK, so I fold that note up and I put it in my bucket
because I think this is going to be this is like the first tangible evidence
that somebody cares about.
Alydin, like an actual like physical like I have a piece of paper.
Someone telling me I'm going to do a good job
and to take care of myself and that they trust me.
Holy shit.
And so I fold it up and put it in my bucket.
That's like, and I double check the till.
OK, OK, 50.
OK, 50.
And there's one extra gold.
I take it and I run upstairs and with my extra key,
I open up your living quarters and I just put it on the nearest side table
and then I close the door and I go back downstairs
because that seemed like the right move.
Why far away?
Way on a boat.
Nice.
That was a test.
There was actually 51.
And yeah, so Alydin puts back what she was going to bring out on the shelf,
seeing that they actually are all stock.
She was just super pumped to get started with the day
and like stands behind the register,
just like just an eager, eager to participate in the workforce.
As you're standing there looking out the door,
you see two kids about your age.
They come from the other side of the river.
Trevor and Troy.
Oh, Trevor and Troy, fuck them.
And Troy, they are approaching the magic closet.
Your customer service skills are?
The door opens and they're laughing and they come in.
Is it?
Oh, oh, Alydin, is it?
Yes.
Wait a minute.
Do you work here?
I do.
Yeah, you're standing behind the till.
You must work here.
Mm hmm.
What kind of deals you got going on today?
They start walking around, just kind of flipping things.
Touching everything.
Everything.
Oh, Alydin is like following behind them
and not being sneaky customer service person
who is like just like writing the things,
just like straightening.
She is very obviously following around
and like repositioning stuff that they're turning for no reason.
Well, all the prices are marked on the items.
What are you looking for?
Something to trick Officer Dace.
He seems to be a little high strung lately.
You got any of those, the ones that explode
when you throw them on the ground?
Oh, or more of that like sneezing powder
that we had last time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, is Bazaar here?
Nope.
I'm in charge today.
Okay.
She would brag.
It's a bad move, but like...
So you want to mess with Dace?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Right?
Yeah, 100%.
Give us your best stuff to mess with Dace.
Give me one second.
And she just goes behind the register
and on the shelf below,
she brings out this small metal cylinder.
Cool.
What's in there?
Well, it doesn't open.
Oh.
There's nothing in there.
But this will, with no pattern,
create a sound that is impossible to trace back to this.
What kind of sound?
Is it like a screeching cat?
Is it like a hissing mongoose?
It is kind of hissing.
It's kind of whispering.
It's a little creepy.
It's a whispering.
I've been waiting.
It just kind of is like...
Oh.
But a little louder.
So kind of a creepy vibe.
A little bit.
Just enough, and only long enough,
he's never going to find it.
It's going to drive him nuts.
Perfect.
Okay, give us one of those
and a couple of the flashbangs
just in case the whispering doesn't work.
Not that I don't trust you.
No, no, no. Fair.
You know what?
If it does work, though, tell your friends.
I will, I will, right?
Don't let it get back to me, though.
Of course not.
Days will have my head.
You ring up these few items
and Trevor reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket.
Make a perception check.
Now, am I trying to do a sleight of hand or anything, Russ?
Fuck.
Yeah, roll.
Can I roll with advantage because I am so...
I want to hear this justification.
Yeah, tell him you roll a d20 as well.
Because I am just like,
I am imbued with the confidence
that reading that letter from Bazaar gave me.
Yeah, I think so.
Hell yeah.
16, just 10 more than I got last time.
Was that three that you held up?
It was a three, yes.
Perfect.
Okay.
Oh, my six would have beat that anyway.
Damn it.
We'll be right back.
It's the middle.
God damn it.
Just love you so much.
God damn it.
Oh, so much.
Russ is setting the tone for a perfect middle section.
Thanks for being here, everybody.
Give me a moment while these friends vamp a little bit.
Oh, man.
Yeah, vamping.
And then it's silence.
Absolute silence, the only time Amy and I don't talk.
Yeah.
I have nothing to say to Carl.
I've seen her every day for the past four days.
Oh, my God, it's exhausting.
Just kidding.
I'll see you tomorrow too.
See you at dance.
Awesome.
Oh, Russ is making a serious face now.
Is he going to swear at us again?
Or is he going to restarting the middle properly?
Russ, you did one thing.
You started talking about your schedules.
And how amazing it is that we get to hang out with friends.
Like when we get to hang out with our patrons.
Yes, we do.
We do do that.
Yeah.
Where can you hang out with patrons?
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast is where you have to,
is the gate to get into the hangouts.
What you're saying is we are gatekeeping our hangouts.
In the same sense that a paywall is, I guess, a gate.
Sort of a gate, like a toll bridge.
Yeah.
But all the Patreon support goes towards really
like things to help us bring more content.
And things like replacing equipment for shitty stuff.
And we love that.
And paying the bills to make the podcast.
Right, exactly.
All that stuff.
And then us too.
It does come back to us too.
So that we create, so it gives us more inspiration.
Yeah.
I'm inspired by the almighty dollar.
Let's go.
I mean, Alydin certainly is.
So yeah, Bazaar is a business owner.
So you know, it makes sense actually.
Here we go.
Let's meet them dollar bills.
I can sense how that made Carla feel.
Made me feel very uncomfortable.
Comfortable, asking for money.
Like I need to reassure people.
Guys, don't worry.
Like we get paid like two cents an hour.
Like don't think that we're.
That's how it bAlydinces out.
You guys are not keeping.
You guys are not paying my mortgage.
Yeah.
So like don't.
And we love you.
Worry.
You can't give us any money.
Oh god, I'm spiraling now.
Yeah, no, I don't want to do this.
I want to start over.
Hey, so where a lot of it goes is to.
Dedicating an episode to a Patreon listener.
Oh, we need a special computer.
So we need a special computer for that to carry that load.
Because it is the computer the size of a room.
Yes.
Which has every name of every patron that we have.
And I punch it into the computer.
Listen to the sounds right now.
So many electronic sounds are playing in the background.
Beep beep beep.
That's the one.
Matrix I hear.
Okay.
You got it.
Yep, printing it off.
Just saying really much like the phones on Facing Fate.
I mean, those got edited out.
So only patrons would know that.
So if you come sign up for Patreon, you also get to know what all the bullshit
that they put us through in Lunacorp.
God, so much bullshit.
So much bullshit.
Let's do something serious.
Listen, it's like you took a fish out of water and threw it up into a tree.
Okay.
You did so well.
Up in that tree.
Just needed a hose every once in a while.
It was wet up there.
But you do get an episode dedicated to you.
We got there.
Full circle.
Like today's patron, Pivowin.
Thank you so much.
Pivowin, very active on the Discord.
There are Patreon only specific channels on the Discord.
But also there's just everybody channels.
So like we're not gatekeeping everything.
Come join us there.
Everyone's very nice.
So nice.
Very true.
It's a link to get in is in the link tree in the description of this episode.
Oftentimes on older episodes, people are like, it's hard to find.
And that's probably true because those descriptions are very old.
And a lot of the links are probably dead.
Sorry.
But now that you're here, you can get in.
We're doing it.
We want you to come hang out with us.
We really do.
We'll get you back to the episode now.
Thanks for listening.
Okay.
Love you.
Bye.
Trevor, Trevor reaches in and grabs some money.
And as he's paying you, you out of the corner of your eye,
look over and see something hanging out of Troy's pocket, his pants pocket.
What you got there, Troy?
Nothing.
Looks like something.
Nothing.
I got it at Dembunzo.
Alydin walks from around the till, walks past Trevor.
What are you doing?
Goes to the front door, locks it and pulls the shade down and turns the sign to closed.
Turns to face Trevor.
Overall intimidation, I feel like is what you're going for here.
Hell yeah, dude.
I knew you were going to do a good job.
An 11.
Meanwhile, Blizzard's watching on his ring cam.
I'm waiting to turn the microphone on and be like, get out.
Both the boys are nervous at what's happening here.
What do you got?
What do you got in your pocket, Troy?
Empty your pockets.
There's nothing.
Nothing's in there.
Yeah, Troy, what's in your pocket?
It's nothing.
Here, I'll just put everything on the table.
Empties his pockets.
What's in his pocket?
I guess some sort of vial, maybe unmarked, has like a little string off of it.
And you saw the string hanging out of my pocket.
Does this look like a vial of something that we sell in the store?
Well, we know the sisters don't have any more unlabeled vials because they
had learned their lesson, so I don't know how many potion shops there are in town.
So what's that?
I don't know.
Doesn't have a label on it.
Yeah, no label.
He carries stuff around in his pockets all the time.
Absolutely.
All right, we've paid for our stuff.
I think we'll be going.
I'm just standing in front of the door.
But like maybe you could unlock that door?
That looks an awful lot like our hiccuping potion.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't think it is.
Take the cork off.
What are you saying?
Are you saying we're stealing from you?
We're saying we're stealing from Bazaar.
We would never steal from Bazaar.
Drink it.
I dare you.
I mean, it shouldn't be a problem, right?
I'll just drink it.
Just drink it.
Drinks it.
Uh, Troy?
Troy, you OK?
Boils begin to form on the boy's skin.
What's going to happen to me?
Does it wear off?
When does it wear off?
It's looking pretty gross.
Yeah, you see Trevor reach into his pockets and he pulls out a couple flashbangs and a
couple of like frog looking things.
He's like, sorry, sorry, OK.
Look, that's it.
That's it.
That potion you just drank was too gold.
I put my hand out.
Too gold?
I don't have any.
I got a gold and a couple silver.
She takes it, unlocks the door.
We're going to go now.
Don't tell Bazaar, OK?
We promise we'll be back.
Thanks for shopping.
Bye.
Come back soon.
God, it's gross.
What did she do?
Should wear off in a couple hours and she shuts the door.
I don't know.
It looked shiny.
Kids.
That seems like a little bit of a pretentious thing.
It's like, oh, kids.
Those kids.
I'm an adult with a job now, children.
Try to steal from me.
And of course, I then start to put away the items that they had taken.
Over in Kingstown, Bazaar and Kavlar, you've disembarked and you're making your way
through the streets, seeing many familiar places.
In the last five years, the city has gone through several changes, different establishments,
but you followed your nose down the street towards the cured pig.
And it looks like it's just opening up for the day.
The server who's out setting the tables out in the patio sees you come up to the front
and says, oh, for two?
Yes.
Is Carla working today?
Uh, yeah, I saw her come in.
Do you know her?
Yeah, that's my mom.
Oh, Bazaar?
Yeah, it's been a while.
Rick?
Yeah, it's been a while.
I didn't think it's been that long.
It gives you a look over.
Well, you look like you're doing well.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, business has been good.
Let me go grab you.
Take any table you want, and he disappears in the back.
Perfect, yeah.
Pull a chair out for Cav.
Oh, thank you.
So I have never been here before.
Never.
Looks cool, though.
Oh, really?
It's a really nice little place to make really good sandwiches.
So if you're really into a good pastrami or whatever.
Say no more.
Say no more, B.
OK, cool.
You'll just have to check out the menu.
You may find something that you haven't tried yet.
Fast footsteps is an understatement as you are tackled in your seat, Bazaar.
Your mom has you in the barehuggiest of embraces,
and she says you didn't tell me you were coming in your last letter.
I didn't.
Kind of an impromptu visit.
This month, this is my friend Cav.
Hi.
It's so lovely to meet you, Cav.
It's so lovely to see you.
Uh, what are you?
What are you?
Oh, shh.
Looks flustered.
She looks shh.
Here, mom, have a seat.
Can you can you take a you can take a break?
Yeah, it's fine.
We're just setting up right now.
There's nobody here yet.
It's, uh, it's good to see.
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you, too.
Have you been doing you've been taking care of yourself?
You look her over and her hair's gone a lot more gray.
Your eyes are pretty sunken in.
She lost a lot of weight since the last time you saw her.
So yeah, yeah, yeah, things have been things been going really well.
It's yeah, it's didn't want to share share it in
in the in a letter, but, um, your your dad's not doing so well.
So I've had to take a few extra shifts just to kind of make ends meet.
But, um, you know, that's okay.
That's that's nothing to worry about.
Um, it's it's so good to see you.
How's the shop?
The shop is going well.
Actually, it's part of the reason I've I've decided to come back.
I need to need to access some of the literature at the school, um,
potentially see if I can procure some of the books and bring them back with me.
I think I I think I might have some sort of an apprentice,
but not quite doing magic the same way I do.
So I don't know how to teach them.
So I need the books to kind of figure it out and
bridge the gap between what they can do and what I can do.
Wait, who's your apprentice?
Uh, Alydin.
I feel like, oh, my God, of course it is.
Oh, my God.
Just ignore that.
I said that I feel, oh, my just head down in the menu, like never to speak again.
But yeah, that's that's why I'm back in town.
And it's kind of kind of going to be, I mean, a short shortish visit
because I left Alydin to run my shop.
While I'm gone, trust it'll be fine, you know,
but there's always going to be the side of me that's nervous
leaving it with somebody else after a decade of not having anybody else.
Well, it's nice that it affords you the ability to come come do these runs
rather than rather than have some of the some of the some of the folks on the ships.
Well, it's come.
I'm trying to take my note from you in that, like, you know,
you were with Dad when he was running his business and he did not take care of himself.
You told me when I started that business,
you are the most important customer.
Take care of yourself first.
I've made sure to do that.
So well, it shows.
I mean, it's she puts her hand to your face.
It's like you've been doing a little bit too much.
It maybe looks like.
Yeah, you look like you're taking care of, though.
And that's that's what's important.
And an apprentice is like next step up.
Like, you know, and you're teaching them and you can always figure things out.
And I'm sure they'll let you take the books out of the library.
You know, yeah, be damned, right?
Like, you'll bring them back.
You had you had a stellar record while you were there.
Oh, yeah.
And I mean, even if even if I need to have a copy purchased and and sent over,
that's perfectly fine.
I just need to know what I'm looking for.
But how bad is he doing?
I mean, he hasn't been able to work in some some some almost a year.
He just kind of I'd say keeps the house, but he he barely does that.
He doesn't get out of bed much anymore.
I mean, he never never really brought up a lot of his other family.
He doesn't have other people that can take care of him.
You could just come out to Vintersmouth, just move out there.
I like I'll figure out something.
I mean, I'm living in the space above my store, so that's not really going to work.
But I've made I've made friends out there.
There's a community out there.
You could it's no offense to Kingstown.
You know, grew up here, loved it.
But yeah, you know, no, no, Kingstown's been Kingstown's been it's been good.
That's been good to us for for as long as we've been here.
That's that's good to know.
You know, I'll I'll talk to your dad and no, not him.
He can't come.
That's my place.
I'd prefer if he didn't.
OK, OK, I'll think on it.
How long are you in town for?
At least a couple days.
OK, well, obviously, you'll you'll you know, this won't be the last time that
we'll see each other.
So let me think on it today and I'll think on it before you go.
I'll give you I'll give you a firm decision on what what what I can do.
There's got to be somebody else who can take care of them.
You've put in your time.
I'm not willing to give any time and I'm not going to mince words about it, mom.
That's not going to change.
I knew and he he you the two of you.
Not many people see eye to eye with him or he never sees eye to eye with them.
I guess is probably the more appropriate.
That's because he's usually cross-eyed drunk.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway.
Hey, Cav.
How you doing, buddy?
Pretty cool.
Anyway, let me get you a couple of drinks.
Have a look over the menu.
Few new things.
A few seasonal things that are in there.
They're really lovely.
I'll be back with those in just a sec.
OK, I just I just have one question bizarre.
Yeah.
What is a poutine?
Poutine is like, do you like cheese?
Yeah.
God, I hope the person saying this in my mind has got this right.
But it's like it's like a curd in a way.
Yeah, this sounds awesome.
And I believe it's kind of fried.
Maybe like a fried curd with some kind of gravy on top of it.
It's got the gravy.
You're so close.
God, it's so close.
Gravy meat.
You know what?
This is a magical mystery world.
It's actually just like fried potatoes with, you know,
some cheddar cheese, broccoli condensed soup dripped on top.
And that's where we'll end today's episode with the bastardization of poutine.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season four, episode eight, starring Amy More as Alydin,
Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane, Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave,
Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard and Russ More as your Dungeon Master.
Dialogue editing by Carla Maxted and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound and Slipstream
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character designs are by Matt Garbutt.
And a huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak, Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden,
Christian Brown, Ongorong Kiersen, Perry Matey,
Old School Gamer D, Craig Zeiss, L.A. Branton and Sarah Murphy.
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The two of you are up at the front of the ship.
We did an entire arc where there were a whole bunch of ship terms.
Couldn't tell you what the front of the ship was.
Bow. The bow.
The bow.
Read the note.
I thought that was Kyle just telling me.
Read the note Amy. Tell us what it says.
What does that note say, Alydin?
No, sorry. No, I don't know. I can't read.
This is the best bit. Russ passed it off to Kyle.
Kyle passed it off to Amy.
But then Amy, net block.
Alydin can't read.
I don't know how to read.
Bonwynder eat it.
Cabs on a boat. Thank God. Carrier pigeon.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.