Dumbgeons and Dragons, that's this show. We'll start in a moment.
It's getting towards the end of the day, and back at the Magic Closet, the final few customers pay their bill or pay for their goods, pay their respects, and head back out into the street.
There was another flash memorial.
Rin Kip just exits out. Or no, it was Ignatius who did the flash memorial. They head back out to the street, and the bell on the door stops jingling, and Alydin and Bizard, you're alone in the shop one more time.
Good day of business.
There was a lot of people in here.
Surprisingly so, surprisingly so, but you know what, nothing like good job security there. I'm not going to complain, even though sometimes it's hard to keep things stocked on these shelves.
Is everything in here magic?
I mean, no, not really, but it has the illusion of being magic.
Again, some of the things that we have, it's a matter of giving something that people are not familiar with.
Everything is magic if you can't explain it.
And that's kind of at the heart of what I sell here.
If I don't explain what exactly it is, then they don't understand what's going on, and that's magic enough in and of itself.
That might be a good way to wrap up our daily lessons of magic.
Okay.
At least the first one.
So, I'll see you tomorrow?
Yeah, if you'll get here, we'll see you tomorrow.
We'll have to restock some shelves, so bright and early.
You know what, here, and I rustle in my pocket, and I pull out a few silver.
I'm like, on your way, stop by How About Dem Buns and pick up some pastries and coffee.
Do you drink coffee? You probably shouldn't. You're a little young.
Oh, no, I can drink.
I drink coffee.
Yeah, then get yourself coffee as well.
Okay.
Just looking at the money in your hand like, oh my god.
Thanks.
Alright, cool.
Hey, tomorrow maybe you can tell me more about the weave?
Oh, yes, that's right. We got to interrupt it on that.
Yes, I'll mark that down. Remind me if I don't bring it up.
I'll be happy to go over and explain it as best I can in the simplest terms that I can find.
I'll have to think on it tonight.
As of now though, I might need to...
I have to go meet somebody, so I've got to lock up the shop.
So I'll have to catch you in the morning.
Okay.
Thanks.
It's a rush of emotion and excitement through you, Alydin.
Oh, yeah.
Bizarre, what's your passive perception?
Eleven.
You're watching, and Alydin's very excited.
You're just vibrating with the day and having spent time with you.
You hand the coins, and as they move towards the door,
their hand closed tight around these coins.
They open the door, and as you look at their hand once more,
there's this soft glow coming from their hand as they move to duck out into the street.
I'm going to go drink coffee.
I turn around and I open up a book, and I make a quick note of that.
I go, by accident.
Okay.
With an item.
Okay.
I have books to read.
I have more books to read, and better reasons to read them.
That kid needs to come around more often.
Okay.
And close my book, and make my way out of the front of the shop.
Lock things up.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast,
and I'm your dungeon master, Russ More, he, him.
Also with me today is Amy More as Alydin, she, her.
All she knows is that she is, like, super excited.
Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane, she, her.
You should invite me to all these things.
This is great.
I think we're really blending.
And Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard, he, him.
I give it a very arithmatic kind of knock.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon-supported podcast
where you can get a 7-day free trial
if you sign up today at patreon.com slash dumb dragoncast.
Now, fuck it, let's play.
Alydin, you, her.
You, her.
Alydin, you're heading back out and down the street.
It's getting towards dusk.
You've had just the...
Best day.
The best day, I think.
And you look back at your hand
because you've got money in your hand.
And as you pull it out and look at it,
what does it look like?
There's a soft, white-ish glow
around the coins.
And Alydin isn't surprised by this
because it's happened before.
She doesn't do it on purpose.
Frankly, she probably thinks
it has a little bit to do with money.
And having money,
and this is why people want money,
like, I don't know, is money magic?
She's not sure.
But all she knows is that she is, like, super excited
and she clenches her fist,
the coins in her fist again,
and she hops,
like, she's got a skip in her step down the road,
but she doesn't stop in at those buns, though.
She skips over to the copper kettle
where she knows that these two silver pieces
are going to stretch a lot further
than if she were to have spent them
on a fancy pastry at those buns, though.
So she goes in there
and she knows she'll get help.
See you, you know, kind of look at those buns, though,
and then make your way into the copper kettle
and see the door close behind.
There's a very warm greeting
that we kind of fade out on in that scene.
We cut to the sound of a...
Idiot.
...of heavy bass and a very sultry party.
And there's a heavy stream of people
coming in and out of the quivering hills
and standing out among all the different foxes
and wolves and rabbits and cats and dogs
and all that sort of thing.
We see the head of a giraffe
well molded and sculpted to Bonwyn's head
with a flowing satin train behind her.
And instead of a real formal caboose,
Neven has created an effect
that looks like two giraffes mating.
And you put that on.
Yeah, we see the one head predominantly
and then as Neven was tying her shoe,
the second head comes back on
as you enter the quivering hills.
The bouncers let you in.
Of course they do.
Says, this was such a great idea.
I would not have...
I would have kind of thought
I would have come in something like that
and she points across to a woman
in a very small bikini in the corner
who was talking to some people.
I would have come in something like that.
This is much better, isn't it?
I mean, isn't this more fun?
Absolutely.
You should invite me to all these things.
This is great.
I think we're really blending.
I think you look around
and everybody is kind of side eyeing your costume.
I think they're just jealous.
I think they're just jealous of us.
I can't believe we put this together in one day.
This costume is amazing.
We should sell these for the next one.
Hey, maybe we leave some business cards around here.
You want one of these?
And she hands some out to the people walking by
and they say, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, I mean, I've got to make some rounds,
but like, you know, you stick close and like...
You're going to detach from me?
Well, it'll be really romantic for everyone else
when they see us come together again
at the end of the night and you mount me.
Yep.
Well, I mean, it's a good thing
we made it anatomically correct, so...
Tom, don't just sit there and shake your head.
What else can I do about it, Russ?
If I have this right,
Niven has made this two-person costume detachable.
Yep.
And she's walking around just with a big giraffe heart on?
Yep.
Nice.
All right, continue.
I just want to make sure I have the visual right.
Niven's a good sport.
Yeah.
Making dreams come true is what Niven's doing.
I think we just have that friendship
where we're like...
She's like, okay, you want to try and embarrass me
with your embarrassing giraffe costume?
We'll buckle up.
Let's do this.
I'm the coolest person.
She detaches from you,
and it's like, I just have to go say hi
to these people over here.
Of course.
And then we can...
We'll make rounds and then we can...
Reattach and then we can bounce.
Absolutely.
Great, great, great.
And she ducks off,
and you find yourself at a snack table
or just a punch and all that sort of thing.
And Ignatius comes up beside you
and looks down at you and gives a double take.
He says, Bonwyn, is that you in there?
It is.
How are you?
Wonderful party.
Thank you.
What's Ignatius dressed up as?
Oh, my God.
He's wearing all the leopard print.
But not all the leopard print.
He's got like...
It's a banana hammock situation.
There's a lot of tassels happening
for some reason.
Definitely it's a tail.
It's got the leopard cat ears,
some drawn on whiskers,
and shirtless because I feel like
that's how Ignatius rolls.
Yes, absolutely.
He runs a brothel.
He's very comfortable with nudity.
Lots of chest hair.
Very abundant.
Oily.
We just put this together today too.
It's very exciting.
Not all mine,
and he's running his fingers through his chest hair.
I wouldn't have guessed.
That's very good.
It's very real, isn't it?
Yes, yes.
Thinking about starting a new business.
We'll call it someone else's hair.
Okay, we should workshop that maybe.
I bet you can come up with something better.
Something catchier, a little snappier.
So who are you here with?
Oh, well, Neven, the other giraffe.
Oh, there's two of you,
and he looks...
Ah, I see them over there.
Yes, that is so exciting.
The costumes actually combine,
so it's really something.
So that's what that's for.
Yeah, her, yeah.
The appendage.
Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Puts them together.
Of course, of course.
That's exciting.
Well, it's lovely to see you.
The adventure went really well.
Everybody was very excited to hear
about all the things we didn't find.
When you got back here, you mean your staff?
Well, the staff.
I mean, the mayor had a vested interest
in knowing what was down there.
So, you know, he was a little disappointed.
But the fact that there were rumblings
of gems and jewels
maybe will be making a different excursion
out there another time.
Perhaps with some more people, more force,
because that was terrifying,
running from those.
Yeah, there was.
Whatever that was.
Yeah.
Yeah, great.
Well, you probably need to mingle.
Great party.
I do, yes.
Great party.
Thanks for coming.
Take as many snacks as you need.
That's sweet.
Thank you.
Have some fun.
Have some fun around.
I'll see you later.
Love the costume.
He fades into the crowd.
He 100% has a fuck room.
I mean, this is a brothel.
They're all a fuck room.
The room they're in is a fuck room.
Yeah, but I feel like he would have
a labeled one as his.
Oh, Ignatius' fuck room.
That makes sense.
The fuck room.
He's the boss.
There's a plaque.
Founded in circa year.
Yes.
Exactly.
Yeah, nobody knows what year it is.
It's fine.
We don't know.
Time is a construct.
We don't have schools here.
There's nobody to tell you what day it is.
That's right.
So what is Bonwyn doing?
I think Bonwyn is going to eat some snacks, for sure.
Ignatius does get great catering.
And then just going to go around,
say hello to some people that she knows,
because there is customers here and other people
that she would know from her business.
Also, a lot of people that she does not know.
And she was hoping to kind of fly under the radar here.
But this is actually so much better,
because she's such a spectacle that people almost
don't want to look at her, because it's like,
they have maybe secondhand embarrassment.
I don't know.
Great.
Her and Niven are rocking this costume.
They're awesome.
But this is very handy for Bonwyn putting to use
some skills she's been practicing,
sort of just gently jostling against someone,
and maybe grabbing their earring
as it falls out of their ear,
because they were knocked a little bit.
Or shaking hands.
Shaking hands, and maybe one of those rings
just comes with.
It's a little challenging.
There's not a lot of clothing here.
Not a lot of pockets to be picked.
But there's bling.
There's a lot of bling.
Yeah, there's a lot of accessorizing happening.
For sure.
So this is something Bonwyn's been working on.
And now this has been her first chance
to kind of try it out in a place where she can
maybe have some plausible deniability
if someone sort of catches her.
Like, oh, I'm sorry.
It's a party.
Had too much punch.
I found it on the ground.
Yeah.
Oh, this?
You dropped it.
Yes, exactly.
Perfect.
OK, so you're going around.
This is happening.
Let's see.
I have plenty of pockets, so that's great.
I was going to say, you've got a lot of places to hide things.
I have flowing fabric.
I've got a giraffe vagina, apparently.
Absolutely.
Is it as pronounced as a penis would be?
Is it just a swollen vulva back there?
It's just a swollen vulva back there.
It's supposed to be sexy.
It's a sexy party.
What's more sexy than the actual?
Yep.
She said make the giraffe sexy, OK?
Correct.
We'll be right back.
It's the middle.
Welcome to the middle, everybody.
It's the greatest episode ever that we have ever done and released.
Wow.
Is this one I wasn't on?
Are you trying to tell me something?
No, this is the one with the giraffe costume.
OK, perfect.
You're a part of this one.
Thank God I was because I never would have believed it if I wasn't.
This, I think, may be the silliest.
Well, you haven't even heard it yet.
Keep listening.
It's about to get real silly.
Karla gets real weird with it, and I'm here for it.
I love it so much.
I also agree with that.
I don't want to put that blame back on Karla.
I don't know.
OK, I think, though, that was kind of a joint yes and no.
There was definitely a heightening approach on a back to back there.
Between Russ and Karla and between Niven and Bonwyn.
So it's a nice synergy between real life and podcast life.
Everyone was on board.
Yeah.
So that just is the transition into this episode is dedicated to one of our patrons.
So you're welcome.
You're welcome.
When you support us, because we are a Patreon-supported show where you get access to a whole bunch of great bonus content,
including an entire five seasons of another podcast.
And now that I have some extra time, I'm going to catch up on cyberpunk and start getting that out a little quicker here.
It's going to be great.
But you also get an episode dedicated to you, like today's patron, Brian Sullivan.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
And you're welcome.
Brian, you are forever attached to this episode.
Yes, you are.
The cosmos will hear it.
Whenever people think of you, they will think of this.
Maybe show your parents, you know, friends, family members, grandparents, whatever.
They mentioned me on this podcast.
And then just let it keep rolling out for this.
Just trust me.
Don't pre-listen.
Just put it on the Bluetooth at work.
Send it to them right now.
Blast it out.
And maintain prolonged eye contact.
Yes, that's the key.
Yes.
We are very self aware.
So we know exactly what we've done here.
And it's great.
It's wonderful.
Yep.
There's nothing wrong with it.
No.
So you too can have an episode dedicated to you, like Brian, at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And now I was going to say fuck it.
Let's play.
I know.
I was just going to say fuck it.
Let's play.
No, wait a minute.
This is a season one, season two intro, but we're in the middle is what we are.
So we're going to get you back to the episode.
Thanks, everybody.
Get back to the episode.
Fuck it.
Get out of here.
Thanks, friends.
Bye.
So this is going off and you're doing, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're
doing your crimes.
Things are working for you.
Going about.
Make a sleight of hand check to see how successful we are throughout the evening.
I mean, the hardest one's got to be the dude with the diamond nipple rings, right?
Sleight of hand was 16.
You managed to take several rings of various sizes and rubies and jewels.
You managed to walk away with a necklace and some earrings.
You do find several decorative, but gold still coins that you managed to pull off
of people.
And you're, you're making your way through the crowd.
Surprising number of Prince Albert rings as well because you got to take those out
for some activities.
And there's just a table that's just like leave your cock ring here.
Take a ring, leave a ring is what the sign says.
And you're, you're going up to someone who is who, who has overdone it and who like
to the max, like everybody's got a lot of things on them.
But this person, this woman has like these like layered necklace of all different
diamonds and jewels and gems and like has bracelets like all the way up to her
elbow almost.
And they're varying sizes and you're going to like, this is an easy, easy get
picturing this woman.
What do you try and take from her?
What is her?
What animal is she?
She's dressed as a peacock.
I was just thinking of peacock.
Get out of my head.
What I'm picturing now is like mostly just jewels.
But then with a big sort of fan of feathers behind her.
Dresses a male peacock.
Yes.
Well, that's the sexy one.
Otherwise she'd just be like a little brown bird.
Little brown bird sitting in the corner.
Oh, excuse me.
I just, one of your feathers is a little, could I just fix it?
Oh, of course.
Yes, please, please, please, please.
Okay.
So I sort of reach behind her and, and one of her feathers was a skew.
I'm not a monster.
So I'm fixing that.
But while I do that, I do kind of reach behind her neck and undo one of the
clasps and I'm still working behind her and I catch the necklace with my
other hand.
She can't notice.
There's like 50 on there.
She does.
Maybe.
Does she notice?
Your face is all up too.
Like you got a big draft neck.
She can't see anything.
Yeah, she's like, did you get it dear?
She doesn't seem to notice.
Is everything okay back there?
You look perfect.
Thank you.
You look lovely as well.
Yes.
No, I see it.
They see the draft.
It's very showy in the back.
I see what you're in.
You know, you're into some partying later.
My best friend, my best friend is over.
She's coming here.
And you see Neve walking towards you and waving at you and saying, you
know, saying, bidding adieu to some people she was talking to.
She makes her way over.
Are you having a good night?
Oh, Brenzier.
Lovely to see you.
Yes, lovely to see you.
Same, same, same.
She gets called over in a way.
So how have you been making out?
Oh, great.
How have you been making out?
It's been a fine evening, but I'm back.
We can do whatever else you need.
Doesn't even know what I'm up to.
This is the question.
Doesn't even know what you're up to.
Huh.
Where are you hiding all of this?
Well, I'm probably just wearing like a tracksuit under this enormous costume.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
It's just in my pocket probably.
It was going to be harder if I was wearing a spandex thing, but instead I got this sort of voluminous thing.
Instead we got the full, yes.
Um, wouldn't even know.
Didn't even know you took the gold, the first visit we saw at Ignatius'.
I don't think so.
My gut says she maybe like kind of knows something's going on, but I haven't told her.
Right.
We haven't talked about it.
She's kind of just giving me space to tell her in my own time, you know?
Okay, cool.
Yeah, okay.
Well, I'm glad you're having a fun night.
We can hang out for a little bit or we can go now.
You know, maybe we give them the full show on the way out.
I mean, we have to, I think.
Of course, of course.
The uncoupling was not graceful, so I want them to really have an impression of the sort of craftsmanship of this beautiful costume we've created.
Yes, of course.
And she calls everybody's attention and says, everybody, we will be parting soon.
So I just wanted to give the full experience for the giraffes because we got a lot of looks separately.
But together, and she moves up behind you and inserts her giant giraffe phallus into your swollen giraffe vulva.
What is this show we make?
It's a great question.
Do people listen to this garbage?
What is this?
And there's a smattering of applause through the room.
Thank you.
Lovely, lovely.
Well, we'll be going now.
Thank you so much for having us, Ignatius.
Whatever.
You guys made half the crowd horny.
Yeah.
There's a lot of boning going to happen as soon as we leave.
I mean, there's a lot of boning happening.
There's the doors opening.
I mean, all those Prince Elvarts were there.
Going back in for round two.
And as you make your way out and down the steps, you get away from the main crowd and out into the street
and even there's a bit of jingling in your suit that wasn't there before.
That's weird.
Weird.
I wonder what that's about.
You have fun though, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I would say it was a successful evening.
Thank you so much for inviting me.
Of course.
Anytime, anytime, especially if we get to wear something like this.
Start thinking on the next one.
I'll let you know when the theme's out.
And then we can workshop something that tops this.
We've really set a precedent.
So we should have maybe gone simpler this time so that we could escalate.
It's going to be hard to go up from here.
Neiman gives you a little bit of a knowing look as you continue chattering down the street
and heading back towards home.
And we cut to a part of the city that we haven't really explored yet.
We find ourselves within the city limits, but it's surrounded by trees.
And we're within the forest.
We hear some footsteps and see soft torchlight coming down this alleyway.
And Bazaard comes around the corner.
And he's making his way back to what we can see as a door in the back of a restaurant.
I make my way up to the door and I give it a very arithmatic kind of knock.
There's a brief moment and then you hear some heavy footsteps inside.
A slot in the door slides open.
You see a pair of eyes from the other side.
It slides shut again and the door opens.
And we see a man in his probably mid to late 40s.
He's got a tattered t-shirt.
Some worn green just traveling pants and big heavy boots.
And he says, are you here for Kenny?
Uh, Kenny's here.
Oh yeah, Kenny's here.
Come on in.
I walk on in.
The door shuts behind you and it's lit by a few candles.
There's a door on the other side of this room and it goes down a set of stairs.
He's down there in the back room.
Just ask the pit boss and he'll send you in the right direction.
Very well.
Thank you.
I make my way down.
You go down these creaky steps.
And as you descend into the earth, you hear a sound.
And as you descend into the earth, you can hear what was like a muffled din up in the room becomes clearer as the farther you go down.
Still sounding like you're, you know, that kind of drummer next door kind of thing.
But you get to a door down at the end of the hall and you reach to try it and it opens.
This cacophonous sound and flashing lights all over this room kind of erupt in front of you and you're entering a casino.
There's games, card games and other activities happening throughout the space.
And one man well dressed in a dark suit comes over and he says, can I help you with something?
You are the pit boss.
He looks at you and gives a nod.
I'm here to see Mr. Flames.
He looks to the back and says, yeah, give me a moment.
He makes his way across the room, leaving you to kind of just observe everything.
Few people look over to you, but nobody's really paying attention.
In this space, you see a few people you recognize from the city.
I mean, you recognize several of them, but there are a couple of nobles from the other side of the river who you particularly notice.
A few people from City Hall kind of scattered throughout.
Not a lot of people from the Artisan District.
And then a lot of people who don't make their way into town very often.
But you've seen around, passed through to the docks kind of thing.
After a moment, the pit boss comes back and says, yeah, come with me.
Leads you through this crowd and you make your way to a very heavy door on the other side of the room.
He swings it open.
It's got a heavy metal creak to it.
And there's this glowing red light coming from the inside.
Kenny will see you.
I walk in.
As you walk in, there's this large, I don't want to call it a large desk anymore because Nina had a large desk.
This is a large room with an equitable size desk inside of it.
Proportionally, it's right for the room is what we're saying.
This one makes, yeah, it's a large desk but it's inside a much larger room so it feels like it fits.
And there's the back of a leather chair and just up from the top of the chair there's this fire where you would expect to see hair.
The door slams shut and echoes throughout the space.
Dumbgeons and Dragons Season 3 Episode 21 starring Amy More as Alydin, Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everpain, Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave, Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard, and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue Editing by Carla Maxted and Sound Design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound and Slipstream and sound effects from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character designs are by Matt Garbutt.
And a huge thank you to our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak, Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Ongorong Kiersen, Perry Matey, Craig Zeiss, Old School Gamer D, L.A. Branton, Nathaniel Teeter and Aaron.
Do you feel like you're missing out on more adventure?
Well, you can join us on Patreon at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, where there's so much adventure.
An exclusive podcast called The Adventures of that has five seasons now going into our sixth season.
We've got cyberpunk red.
We've got the session zero and episode one comes out this week.
Tons of one shots, hangouts and so much more.
Come join us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Seven day free trial.
Get some merch.
It's a great time.
We'll hope to see you over there.
OK.
You have a great week.
Thanks for being here.
We'll talk to you soon.
Sightment through you, Alydin.
Bizarre.
What's your not resting perception.
Your passive perception.
Eleven.
What's your resting perception here?
Oh, when I'm sitting in a chair, I can see things.
What is your resting bitch face?
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a dumb dragons production.