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We hear heavy bass tones and lights are flashing all over the deck as we see this
pirate crew dancing around. They've got their they're throwing their hats in the air.
There's a guy standing behind a table who's who's got I mean, what can only be
described as a record player and he's scratching it as everybody has clearly taken something
and are just enjoying their time except for Kavlaran, Bonwyn, and Alladin who are in a
cage off to the side of the-
Another fucking cage.
You weren't going to be, but then you said it.
I didn't say it!
Somebody said it, so now it's happened.
You're off to the side of the deck of this large, which you now discovered is a pirate
ship.
The three of you are looking on this party that's happening in front of you.
Rage!
Hell yeah, brother!
Our new friends are just mingling, like, clearly.
Oh, they've been, yes, clearly they were supposed to be here.
Our shirt's off.
We're throwing it around somewhere, you know?
Perfect.
Am I still gagged?
You are not gagged.
Cool.
That would have been a sad episode for Amy.
Wouldn't be surprised.
And we move over to Chogar and Publgar and Tober who are approached by what you three
presume is the captain and he comes up to them and says, oh, it's nice to see
you.
Captain Jacob, it's lovely to have you in the crew.
Now these three that you brought, did you bring them as recruits or did you bring
them as food?
Well, that's kind of the predicament I'm in right now because, not going to lie, we went
over to the parents, like, you know, the retirement home.
Honestly, we should plunder that place, let me tell you.
Right for the picking.
Hold on, hold on.
We'll talk about plundering in a moment here.
Yeah, but it's good to know, good to know, okay.
But they said something about finger sandwiches and honestly, I just, I haven't been
able to get the thought out of my head now.
But at the same time, they were really delightful and really lovely and they
did bring us here.
I think, against my stomach judgment, that they could bring a lot to the pirate team,
you know.
Okay, he kind of peeks around the hulking Cho'gar bubble guard and looks at you and
raises an eyebrow and says, oh, I don't know, they look like, I've seen them
around before, they look like they're, that one there looks like he's part of
the government.
It looks like he's got a real government smell to him.
Government?
He's got a tattoo, there's no way he's part of the government.
Oh, what's his tattoo of?
It's like some awesome lines, like really good line work.
Nice, nice.
Okay, well, we'll have to check that out.
They lined it up really good.
It's a full back tattoo, it's like probably gang stuff or something, but.
A full back tattoo, all right, we'll have to check it out.
Hey, are you three cool?
Yeah, I'm cool, like you're going to give us some weed?
Then yes.
They're going to give us some weed?
They're cool.
Her dad told her not to do ecstasy, but I think it's an ecstasy kind of thing.
I'm just going to throw that out there right now.
I fully agree.
Did you bring some?
Oh, I mean, maybe that old guy has some.
I mean, he was talking about it.
He talked about it so much.
Yeah.
All right, well, we'll have to go check that out maybe a little bit later.
In the meantime, he throws a bottle up in the air and it smashes down on the
deck, she says, let's dance.
Rage.
Seems real wasteful.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast, and I'm your
dungeon master Russ More, he, him.
Also with me today is Amy More as Alydin, she, her.
Do you want me to get back in the boat, go back and get your dad?
Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane, she, her.
We all are in love with the captain.
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave, he, him.
You might need to be a little more specific.
With special guests from Looters, Ian Overton and Matthew Aberly as
Bubblegar and Cho-Gar.
Oh, we still have those finger sandwiches in the bucket, though, right?
I mean, the sandwiches were for everyone.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon supported podcast, and you can join us
today, get a seven day free trial and get access to a whole bunch of bonus
content, including exclusive podcasts just for you.
Patreon.com slash Dumb Dragon Cast.
We'll see you over and now, fuck it, let's play.
We cut ahead and the entire pirate crew is passed out on the deck.
Wow, they raged.
Including Bubblegar and Cho-Gar, they've been partying all night long.
Bonwyn are all day long because we said it was morning last time.
And, you know, it's a midday, midday rager.
Dager.
Kavlaran Bonwyn and Alydin, you're looking out over, you hear
snores now, everything has died down, and this is where we find you three.
OK, so in hindsight, maybe not the best idea to just like get in a boat with
some strangers or take them to your parents' house.
So I'm going to that one's on me.
I should have. You guys are the adults here.
You are so right. I've been told multiple times that I'm a child.
So this is kind of on you guys, I think, a little bit.
That's fair. Kavlaran what are we going to what are we going to do here?
We got to get out of here.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's that's step number one of the plan.
But how do we make that happen?
How do we make that?
Oh, can we can we lift this cage?
Because the last time I was in a cage,
Tally and I just kind of could lift it up and and walk with it.
I mean, I guess it's worth the shot.
Yeah. What's the cage like for us?
It is definitely a a fully, fully secure.
Not just like popsicle sticks sitting on the ground.
Not just popsicle sticks sitting on the ground.
Is it wooden or is it OK?
Yeah, yeah, it's wooden.
Wooden bars.
There appears to be some sort of locking some lock on the on the on the door itself.
But it is wood. OK.
They have taken your weapons.
You don't have your weapons on you.
They've taken your bucket.
I know. Our spare sandwiches were in there.
And other things. And all of your worldly possessions.
All of that as well.
Super important stuff.
But everybody's passed out, so that's good.
I don't know, guys, what do we do here?
Alydin, can you fit through here?
Like, can you just you're quite slight?
You just fit through the bars.
Can I squeeze?
You went like this.
So I don't know if it's like like lattice.
Yeah. And they're like little holes.
Yeah, I wouldn't say you could easily sneak out.
I don't do anything easily.
You could try, though.
Give it a try. Yeah, there's there's like maybe a corner joint.
I mean, if we could cavlar in, we could each like pull to try to.
Maybe a joint athletics versus dexterity.
Well, your your athletics to try and pull it apart.
To plus Alydin's dexterity to sneak through.
That makes more sense.
All right. 19 for cav.
For athletics, 17 for me.
But I roll stealth.
I'm trying to sneak out of the cage.
Well, how about a 16?
Oh, love it. OK.
That is a big role for me.
I'm very excited.
Very pleased with myself.
So waiting for the just the perfect snore,
you both pull on the side,
Kavlaran Bowen both pull on the sides and make
just large enough hole that Alydin is able to sneak through
one of the joints in this cage.
Alydin, you get to the other side and you hear that you're right beside
Bubblegar and Chogar,
who let out another huge snore and one hand kind of comes across
and slaps down on the deck right beside you,
causing you to freeze for just to clarify, it's Chogar that's snoring,
not not Bubblegar.
Bubblegar doesn't snore. Fair enough. Yeah.
What now? Go get.
Wait.
What actually makes you want to get back in the boat?
Go back and get your dad.
Oh, I don't think you can.
You can't roll the boat all by yourself.
It's too big.
No, not with that attitude.
I mean, we know that you you give it a good try,
but yeah, probably can't just physically reach to get that done.
Yeah. Do we want to send Alydin to get our weapons
and things or try and see if we know who has a key to the lock
and like get us out to get out?
Hmm. Do we have every any memory of being put in the cage?
Yeah, we must know who locked it, right?
They gave you ecstasy before you came along.
Dammit. You completely reformed the whole group.
The captain locked the mech that you were tossed in.
The captain locked you in.
So you can presume that the captain, who you see,
leaned up against the the wheel of the mast.
But the steering is the steering wheel.
Yeah, it's a steering wheel.
The helm.
They do not turn the mast to turn the ship.
Yeah, it's like the rudder, right?
Yeah, I know.
He is up by the wheel and like passed out on the side.
Looks to be sleeping as well.
I just remembered something.
I have thieves tools so I can try and pick the lock.
Love it.
Alydin, why don't you go get our stuff and come back here?
And I'm going to try and get me and Cav out.
If we like know where they put our stuff.
We do, right?
They would have taken it.
We were drugged.
We saw the whole thing.
Yeah, you saw them go below deck with your stuff.
Yeah.
OK.
All right.
OK.
You be quiet.
All right.
Roll stealth for your sneaking away.
Fuck.
Oh, a 19, you guys.
It's just getting better.
So yeah, very nimbly,
soft-footed, moving between all these hulking pirates.
You make your way back and out.
So they call me Alley Soft Paws.
Alydin disappears from view for you two.
Do you want to try your lockpicking?
So that'd be a sleight of hand.
OK.
I also have thieves tools.
That's a 24.
It's in your bucket.
I took your bucket.
Wow.
24?
Goodness.
Love it.
Some real Tom Rolls going on here.
Well done.
Where do you keep your thieves tools
that they wouldn't have taken them away from you?
I think because I have
I'm always kind of wearing that leather apron,
like my blacksmith's apron.
There's a bunch of little pockets and stuff on it.
And it wouldn't seem like a weapon.
It's just a little box that has a variety of little,
you know, metal sticks in it for me to go.
Love it.
Perfect.
So you pull those out.
And as Alydin disappears,
you quickly and nimbly like hear the lock pop,
which causes
Bubblegar to stir.
Bonwyn, make a perception roll.
Okay.
To see if you notice Bubblegar.
That's an 11.
Pretty focused on that lock.
Yeah, you're focused on the lock.
Bubblegar, your eye cracks open
and you see Bonwyn fiddling with the lock there.
You're calling what you do with that information.
I'm going to stir my brother up awake as well.
I'll like bang my head against him
like a couple of times.
Give him a little head butt.
Stop it, I'm sleeping.
Cho-gar, Cho-gar, Cho-gar.
Shut up.
Dinner's trying to get out right now.
The dinner's trying to get out right now.
The dinner's trying to get out.
What?
Bonwyn, at this point,
you've definitely noticed that they're talking to each other.
It's not like code for I'm going to barf.
Dinner's trying to get out now,
but brace yourself.
I think I'll just leave it unlocked,
but then like act nonchAlydint.
Even though one of the prisoners is now gone,
I'm just sitting cool and casual,
like nothing's happening,
hoping they just go back to sleep.
Maybe I'm humming like,
go to sleep.
Two of you roll investigation with this advantage
to see if you've noticed that Alydin is gone.
Gotcha.
Disadvantage for the Gopi's Amounts
of Drugs and Alcohol.
Five.
All right, so yeah, you notice that they're fiddling
with the lock.
You don't see that it's been popped
and you don't notice that you're missing a person
in this cage.
Yeah, I got a three.
I got a three.
So I definitely noticed less.
I'm still asleep.
She's standing there so calmly and casually.
There's no way she could have been trying
to escape anyways.
I mean, look at her disposition.
Yeah, no.
And even if they wanted to get out,
this is pirate engineering here.
This is top of the line stuff.
There's no way that they could, you know,
fiddle with the lock and get out of there.
I'm fine.
I'll slowly drift back off to sleep.
Okay, great.
Below deck, Alydin, you swiftly move down
the stairs that are presented to you
and you find yourself in the hold of the ship
and there's crates on crates.
There's looks like fine textiles.
It looks like there's some pottery.
It looks like there's some huge paintings
that have coverings over them.
You see weapons.
You see piles of gold.
And tucked off and to the right,
as you go down there,
you see your weapon, your bucket
and any weapons that Bonwyn and Kavlaran had on them.
Yes.
Sneaky over there.
I do stop and look under to see
what paintings are under there
and I may dip down and snag a gold piece or two
for the children.
Of course, yep.
And then I remember that movie,
The Pirates of the Caribbean
and maybe it's cursed so I put it back.
No, I do take it.
Okay, so you take a gold piece?
I take three gold pieces.
Three gold pieces.
You wanna put that on your character sheet?
Yeah, I do.
Are you gonna make me put on my character sheet
and then immediately I'm gonna get frisked
and they're gonna take it
and I'm gonna have to take it off my character sheet?
I don't know.
It depends on how well you roll going back upstairs.
It's fucking bullshit.
And I don't have my,
I know Kav has a huge ax maybe or something.
My weapons are all small
so she could just chuck them in the bucket.
If she, I have daggers, it's fine.
Perfect.
Kav, you would have,
we've canonically said you carry your shield
and your hammer along with you.
Yeah, like all the time, right?
Yeah.
So yeah, those two are the biggest ones.
Roll strength to see if you're able to lift Kav's hammer.
Okay.
Captain America mode.
Thor's hammer.
I'm gonna shift it just a little bit.
Strength or athletics if you wanna apply something to it.
Yeah, let's apply my minus one to it.
Six.
Doesn't budge.
Yeah, you're able to take the shield.
You can gather up all of Bonwyn's material
into your bucket and any other,
as I said, there are some weapons down there.
Long swords, short swords, scimitar,
that sort of thing.
You could grab something else
but you can't with that roll lift the hammer.
Okay, I grab a couple daggers that are there
and just put them in my bucket.
So you grab those things,
you take a quick peek at one of the paintings.
Ian, what is the painting of?
It's a pretty sick bachelor party.
There's neon lights flashing all over the place.
Honestly, staring at the painting,
it kind of gives off a strobe effect.
Like you yourself are about a,
yeah, it feels like it's flashing at you
and standing there amidst all these body parts.
It's a feast of a bachelor party, mind you.
It's a cannibal feast.
There's the, what's the pirate captain's name?
Captain Jacob.
Captain Jacob standing on a mound of limbs
drinking wine out of a skull chalice.
I love it.
I assumed stolen artwork but no,
custom artwork that they have on the pirate ship.
Good for them.
Arts appreciators.
Oh, I cannot unsee this.
We cut back upstairs.
Bonwyn, it appears that Cho-Gar and Bubble-Gar
have nodded off.
You see, I don't know which direction the sun,
the sun is setting.
You can tell the sun is setting now.
Like they've just been partying all day.
Real early partiers.
So they could get to bed on time, obviously.
Responsible.
I have work in the morning.
That's right, yeah.
Nobody else seems to be in the morning.
Nobody else seems to be stirring.
What are you and Kavlar in do?
Kav, what do you wanna do?
Should we wait till we see her or like, let's just undo?
I mean, if we could get out but remain out of sight
for, you know, like Alydin's gonna know
that we're somewhere nearby, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's really smart.
So like so quietly, I'm gonna like undo.
Somehow I'm picturing like a high school locker lock.
But I like, you know, with the loop,
so I like pull it off and open the door quietly.
It's like that, but more like one in an escape room
that kind of only works half of the time.
Don't even get me started, Russ.
Yeah, you pull that out and like slowly open it.
You're able to open it like just wide enough
that you'd be able to sneak out
without bumping into Bubblegar and Cho'gar.
Me and Kav are both larger, larger people.
So let's roll stealth to exit this situation.
15.
Okay.
Also 15.
Okay, so order doesn't really matter.
The two of you slip out here.
There's a little stir from Cho'gar
as you kind of soft step.
Which way are you going?
Are you going towards Alydin
or are you going towards like the gangplank back there?
I guess correct me if I'm wrong.
I somehow was picturing that she had to go
to the opposite end to where we were to get downstairs.
So probably back towards the gangplank in theory.
Then she'll like come back and we won't be in the cage.
Sounds good.
Okay, so the two of you make it out.
You step quietly over top,
pausing as anybody kind of stirs
and make your way back to the gangplank.
As you see Alydin coming up the other side,
you turn, you lock eyes.
You see each other.
Alydin, make a stealth roll please.
Oh.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ooh.
Yeah, you did.
My bucket jangles.
Your bucket full of daggers.
Ha ha ha.
And sandwiches.
Finger sandwiches.
Ha ha ha.
And with that jangling of the bucket
and three pieces of gold that you have taken,
there's movement among those who are passed out.
Let's say Bubblegar, you wake up
and Alydin and Kavlaran,
you see that the captain begins to stir
and catches eye of you and says,
hey, hey, everybody get up.
I want to run like only a 14 year old
and run away from an adult.
And I don't care who I step on.
Yeah, I also am now running.
Yeah.
Two of you are running down the gangplank.
Alydin, make a dexterity saving throw
as the pirates are getting up
and trying to grab at you as you're running by.
God damn it.
How about an eight?
No.
You make it past the first few
who are just waking up.
You make it over to the gangplank
when your foot is caught by Chogar.
Hey, just let go.
Just let go.
No, you're thinner.
Please.
The captain calls out,
oh, hold that one tight.
And he leaps off the side,
grabs a rope and swings down.
Oh, like a bad ass.
Like a bad ass.
Yeah.
What's his role?
Roll for him, Russ.
I want to see how he looks.
Yeah, roll for a bad ass.
That's an 18 on the dot.
God damn it.
He looks amazing.
Yeah, it's super impressive.
He looks so bad ass.
That's my captain.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, you're in the middle now.
Welcome to the middle, everybody.
Thanks for being here.
Hey there.
Hey, thanks for being here.
What's up?
We love you.
We do love you.
This is very true.
Lots of love.
We did a lot of hard prep going into this middle
and Kyle's just hitting all the bullet points
right out of the gate.
Wow.
I looked over the notes for the pre-middle meeting
and I said, I'm going to get this one.
Yeah.
This is mine today.
Not letting everybody else take this love.
Kyle, you got so red all of a sudden.
Is this the first time you've told an audience
that you love them?
It's just been a long time.
Oh my gosh.
You guys.
Well, send Kyle sweet messages
telling him that you love him too.
So yeah, we just wanted to pop in here,
tell you how awesome you are
and that we're grateful that you're here.
Like an episode.
And that, yeah.
You should go listen to-
A little light cannibalism.
Just a little taste, just a little something.
Kyle wasn't here for this episode.
So he's-
He doesn't know what I'm talking about.
Wait, they didn't tell me about the cannibalism.
I'm so playing along right now.
I'm glad I took the first bullet point
and not the one I didn't know about.
Not the cannibalism.
Well, that wasn't us so much
as our wonderful guests from Looters.
You should go listen to them.
Yes, yes.
We, being Carla and I,
guest starred over on Looters as well,
which there, as this comes out,
there's one episode, but there will be two,
which you should go have a listen to.
There's similar, similar character things
that happen throughout there.
And it's a lot of fun.
So go listen to those two episodes.
Start from the beginning.
Enjoy it.
It's a great time.
Hey, if you're enjoying the adventure
that we're doing right now,
we would love for you to join us on Patreon,
patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
where when you are a patron,
you get an episode dedicated to you
like today's patron, Michael Jansky.
Michael Jansky.
We love you a lot.
And I feel very sorry if you got picked last
or called on last all the time
because your last name ended in Y.
Unfair?
Start at the bottom.
I was thinking, oh, I'm so jealous of a cool last name
because I have an interesting one now,
but I took it from my husband.
Right.
Because my name before was Johnson.
It was like the most boring name that exists.
So anyone who had any, like a Y, amazing.
That is really cool.
Incredible.
As a teacher's perspective,
I was just like, almost at the end of the list.
Well, that's when the teacher does the reverse order
every now and again.
Yep, that's true.
Awesome, right out.
It's on the teacher.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they're sitting, they think they get a nap,
but no, they're back in.
Yeah.
You're assuming they actually answer.
Ah, jokes, I just keep waiting for Carla.
And then we love you, that's it.
I just keep waiting for Carla to spring something on me
like she said she was going to.
I was gonna say, we can say mean things about Tom
because he's not here,
but then I couldn't follow through with it
because what am I gonna say about Tom that's mean?
I couldn't, right?
Well, he didn't buy Justin a birthday party.
No, he didn't buy his husband anything
for his birthday, so that's some shopping behavior.
A little retreat.
Yeah, nope, nope.
No, didn't do that.
That would've been real thoughtful.
Tom, no, Tom's lovely,
and he's having a great day right now.
Not with us, so that's, yeah.
That's okay, I guess.
We'll allow it.
It'll be all right.
Okay, that's the end of this rambling middle.
We'll get you back to the episode.
Love you, bye.
When Cho-Gar doesn't let go of me,
can I grab a dagger out of my bucket
and just start stabbing him in a downward fashion?
It's fair, it's fair.
You can't, so before you stab Cho-Gar in his hand,
so Captain Jacob swings off the side,
his hair's growing back. Everyone is looking.
He's got long hair. Me and Cap,
I assume, have stopped just to watch.
It's amazing. I'm dumbfounded by it.
Captain!
And lands down in front of you,
Bonwyn and Kavlaran,
as you were running along the side of the ship,
and draws a sword, and he says, stop where you are.
You're distracted up there, Cho-Gar,
so you can give a shot to try and stab Cho-Gar's hand.
Or neck.
This will, I think, be the first time I've ever.
Stab someone.
Tried to stab a ghast.
Oh, I know.
Yeah.
We feel honored.
We are honored.
Dumbgeons, just, this is really.
It's a dream come true.
It's a Dumbgeons first.
All right, I'm gonna take a dagger out.
You tried to stab Kyle when he first came along.
True.
Yeah, but that's cause he was like,
explicitly a bad guy.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I assume these boys, we would make be our friends somehow.
We still can be, I don't know.
Is he still the first chance?
You guys, I'm too little for this.
Eight.
Eight against your AC.
Against my AC.
No, against their AC.
No, which I'm sure that will not hit.
I don't know how to play this game.
You stabbed down.
You don't stab yourself or anything,
cause that would be ridiculous.
Why would I make you do that?
But like, they have very thick skin
that's almost like leather hide.
Like just kind of glints off.
And I don't have much force behind it.
Just kind of poking you.
So yeah, you reaffirm your grip on Alydin.
Down in front of you two is the captain.
He says, look, look, look, look, look.
Stop what you're doing.
We weren't gonna eat you.
I promise.
I mean, we weren't gonna eat you.
I don't know what they were gonna do.
We weren't?
I thought that's kind of the impression we got
that you said we were gonna eat them.
Look, we scare people.
We say that we're gonna eat them.
I kind of signed up for the eating.
We got all the artwork done.
We spread the stories across.
Ooh, cannibal pirates.
That makes them really scary.
But hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
All right.
Go ahead.
I can't eat her.
It's okay.
Look, we don't mean you any harm.
You can roll insight.
I mean, I was locked in a cage, which is great.
I don't want to roll for anything anymore.
Oh my God.
So I have a minus two on insight.
So that is a six.
I just trust everybody.
Oh, I got a six.
I mean, I just saw him do that move.
I'm a little bit in awe of the captain
even though he's a bad guy.
What did the captain?
Oh, it was worse than a six.
Oh, wow.
Okay, so.
Wow.
We all are in love with the captain.
Yeah.
You all are in love with the captain.
You don't have to be in love with him,
but you get a six.
He's mad at us as fuck.
You give him at least a moment.
And he says, look, look, look, look, look.
We're not going to harm you.
We've actually been in hiding here.
Have you heard of like a ship
roaming around the lake for very long?
Well, no.
You might need to be a little more specific.
We've been tucked away here.
Your mayor and his army goons
have driven off the pirates
and we can't even make a decent living anymore.
Like I thought maybe if we got some new recruits
that we could get out
and take on his little fake pirates
that he's got going on out there.
Sheath's sword is like, look, friendship.
Wait, did you say fake pirates?
Fake pirates.
Let down, let down the girl.
Let down the girl.
We'll find you something else to eat later.
The finger sandwiches at the retirement community.
We can take the canoe over.
We're unassuming we can get some fingers.
But they're not real finger sandwiches though.
There's not a finger involved.
Kick, kick and run, kick and run to Bonwyn.
Yeah, they let you run down to Bonwyn and Kavlaran.
You notice that Alydin has everything
except for your hammer there, Kav.
Sorry, yes, you had a question.
Fake pirates, could you expand on that
because the river pirates are pretty famous in Vindersmith.
Yeah, yeah, the river, river pirates
have been around for a long time.
And I've, you know, long,
eighth generation of pirateeer myself, you know.
The pirates themselves were driven out
some 20 years ago.
They started bringing in military more and more
to take the pair of the pirates.
You know, we haven't been stealing anything
for quite some time.
We go out in small boats.
We get our supplies.
We come back.
We bring new recruits who come and usually bring sandwiches.
You hear Tauber up and he says,
oh, that's what this says at the bottom here.
Bring, bring food.
Sorry.
Well, we still have those finger sandwiches
in the bucket though, right?
I mean, we could.
That's not your bucket.
I'm clutching my bucket.
The sandwiches were for everyone.
They're communal sandwiches.
Well, you should have thought about that
before you were being a jerk.
I wanted to swim with you.
I can't believe you're saying this.
You were gonna eat me.
I can't believe you're saying this.
I would have swam with you before I ate you.
It would have been fine.
No, it wouldn't have been fine
because it was gonna end up with me being eaten.
Do you have to wait 30 minutes
if you swim before you eat someone?
Exactly.
No, that's why we do the swimming beforehand
so I don't get a stomach cramp.
I have a very stomach cramp.
Okay, it's not like a palindrome situation
where it's the same one way as the other?
No, no, it's, yeah, no.
Gotcha.
It's a very weak constitution.
Let me tell you, I get sick super easy.
It's terrible.
It doesn't help with what Chogar's diet is.
I mean, Jesus, that guy eats some pretty nasty things,
let me just say.
They didn't call it Sheitz Creek for nothing.
So all I'm saying is the pirates
have been drawn out long ago
and your ruler over there, Nigel Knops, is that his name?
Yeah, Nigel Knops.
Yeah.
Not my mayor, actually.
He's my mayor though.
Seems like nobody vote.
Oh.
He would be.
Yeah, he would be.
All right, so it seems like nobody voted for this mayor
but he's still here somehow.
Anyways.
I voted for him.
You voted for him.
All right, Chogar, stop voting for people.
I know you only get half a vote back in Sheitz Creek
but that counts for like 18 votes here in Vintersmouth.
Oh, electoral college system going on over here too?
Oh yeah, it's not great.
Yeah, it's not an even split anywhere, huh, yeah.
Anyways, they've been bringing in more military.
You know what's not good for business in the military
and just security work is not having pirates
so they put different undercover military as pirates
to make it seem like there's pirates on the water
and steal things and take things.
They don't even do a very good job of it.
You guys seem tired.
Maybe you should just like retire.
There's no more business.
You've been driven out of business by the fake pirates.
There's a great old people's community right there.
Cesar's Gardens, have you heard of it?
It's really nice.
I have heard of Cesar's Gardens.
We pulled in there a couple times, yeah.
But we want to get back to pirating.
We want to be the best pirates
without the fear of the military coming after us.
I mean, some military here and there is fine
but not in the droves that they were coming at us with.
That's why I brought Cho-Gar and Bubble-Gar here
and Topper.
Topper said they were some of the best pirates
in Sheitz Creek.
We're good pirates.
Real good.
So you want us to just canoe away
and leave you to pirate?
No, what I'm saying is there's a serious imbAlydince
within your whole establishment.
There's gotta be some give and take.
It can't all be good.
And he's creating a problem
where there is currently not a problem.
That sounds like the mayor.
Yeah, I agree that that's...
Well, what I'm saying is
I can't just pull this ship out here.
So maybe, maybe if we let you go,
you can help us move on from this place.
We can go back to being river pirates.
The stories you've heard of cannibals, not true.
We come, we take.
They're not?
I'm sorry.
This is supposed to be the coolest
cannibal pirating band.
Look, we're still cool.
We're still cool.
See, we had the big party.
This was like false advertising.
But the party was sweet.
The party was sick.
That was a good rage.
Party was sick.
And then that jump I made right off the end there,
that was pretty awesome.
Yeah, that was really cool.
So what I'm saying is we have some force.
We've got some more recruits coming
in the next little while.
Maybe we could help you.
You know, it sounds like you've got some issues
with the electoral system, too.
Maybe we could help you take down some of the forces
and just like get a new leader in place.
Can we have a minute to talk?
Oh, of course, of course, of course.
I mean, back towards the end of the cave, right?
Not near the mouth.
We're just gonna, Chogar, Bubblegar,
you just come down here, stand with me
at the mouth of the cave.
That way they can't run past us, okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great, great, great.
So how you guys been?
Is it kind of drift off?
Listen, I don't have a whole lot of life experience
like you guys do,
but it kind of doesn't seem like a great idea
to get a bad pirate guy
to help you with your government problem.
I think that's really very astute of you, Alydin.
I agree. Why is it beyond your years?
I think we don't want to replace the corrupt mayor
with explicitly pirates,
seems like maybe not an upgrade.
There's gotta be like, you know,
kind of like a happy middle to get to.
Like maybe if Bench could be the mayor,
that'd be real cool.
I mean, he has talked about it before.
Wow, okay.
Well, that's something to think about for the future.
Right now, what are we gonna do?
Lie.
Okay.
I love it.
Simple, easy.
We won't die, hopefully.
Okay.
Alydin, great plan.
We turn around.
You come into the conversation,
so the smell is just like,
that's what causes the two head thing?
Or so we've been told.
It's like a curse on the whole area.
Yeah.
We'll do it.
Fair enough.
You'll do it.
You'll do what, sorry.
Well, I mean, you let us go
and we will.
What do you want?
Sow the seeds of dissent.
Stage a coup
so that you can draw distraction,
pull some sort of military force away from the city
so that we can leave this little island
because it's getting a little cramped,
a little smelly in this cave.
I don't know if you noticed.
Sorry about that.
It's Choda.
I like to run a cleaner.
How could you?
I have noticed.
I bathe three times a day.
You lie.
Three times a day?
Wow.
So you cause distraction.
We pull out
and we take down some of the barracks
that's over there.
We've done a little recon.
There's some barracks action over there.
Drive some of the military away.
We get away and then, you know,
everything's in turmoil.
They're screaming in the streets
because they don't know what's going on.
The government's gonna fall
and then somebody will step up
and take claim as their rightful place
as mayor of Vintersmouth.
Sounds like a reasonable assumption.
Yeah, that all sounds great.
That sounds like a super great plan
for the city where we all live.
Okay, great.
So we're just gonna go then.
We'll just.
Did you leave our boat there though?
Oh, the lovely canoe.
Yes, yes.
We did pull it up
so it didn't drift away, you know,
just in case we needed to use it later.
But yeah, absolutely.
It's just down there.
And I've got your word on this, yes?
Absolutely.
All right, roll a joint deception check, please.
I can vouch for them too.
They wouldn't lie.
They're, you know.
With advantage.
19, with advantage.
With advantage?
Oh, all right.
Oh, not 19 or something. For 17.
17 plus zero, 16.
Hey, we like it.
Captain has rolled an insight of 10.
Okay.
So you all destroyed that.
All right, we can trust them, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
They gave us sandwiches.
They've been nothing but cordial the whole time.
Perfect.
Did you see the canoe, the craftsmanship on that?
Like that's, yeah, that's.
Yeah, they're giving us the VIP treatment,
one might say.
Excellent, all right.
Well, we will.
So here's the plan.
We'll stay in line and wait for your signal.
At your signal.
We will put our plan into action.
Hopefully our new recruits,
our other new recruits show up in the time.
So we've got it back up to a full crew.
I just need a few more.
And then, you know, we'll be on our way.
We'll be back out on the water,
back doing our pirate thing, back, you know,
giving, nope, there shouldn't even be military pirates.
That just seems weird.
Well, I think, yeah,
that's something that is probably a problem.
Like pretend pirates.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyways, that's all I'm saying is there's corruption.
And I just didn't know if you knew
that there was corruption within your government,
you know, not everybody knows that sort of thing.
I mean, I had a pretty good idea.
Oh, you did.
You did.
What was the tip off for you?
Well, just all the opulent spending and high taxes.
Right?
Like where are they even getting all of that?
The amount of gold.
Like only a pirate would have that much gold.
All right.
We trust you implicitly, right?
He looks back at Cho-Gar and Bubble-Gar.
We trust them implicit.
Implicitly.
Implicitably.
That's right.
So we're gonna let you go.
Is there anything that we can give you
to help you with your part of the plan?
Well, my friend Calf has this really nice hammer.
Oh, yeah.
It's like just right over there.
Like that you took from him?
I couldn't get that.
I'm so sorry.
Could we have that?
Yeah, I know.
We could give you your stuff back.
Yeah.
You need anything else?
You need money?
You need weapons?
You need, I don't know.
What kind of arms you got following behind you?
Like we could outfit your entire establishment
right here, right now.
There's really great paintings back there too.
I don't know.
There's one of the captain right here.
Let me tell you.
It'll inspire you.
They're very scary.
You could put paintings up all over town
and it's just like hints and signs
that the pirates are trying to make their way back in.
I like that.
And then they'll be like, yeah.
Maybe some money to bribe people.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Money tucks.
Okay, okay.
Money, paintings.
I haven't had underwear in 12 years.
You're 14.
Since you were two.
It's been a while.
Same pair.
No pair.
Damn.
Just going commando.
Wow, wow.
It's breezy.
Well, let me see what we can find.
We probably have some underwear that we can provide.
Yeah, I mean, you, uh, uh, uh, uh, a tober.
You just give them your underwear.
Tober.
Yeah.
Excuse me, you want me to get,
do you want my underwear?
I do not want his underwear.
Uh, he doesn't want my underwear.
All right, well, we'll find you some underwear.
They send some guys down
and they come back with crates full as a, um.
Of underwear.
Of underwear specifically.
Crates full of underwear.
You have underwear for a lifetime if you wanted it.
But also the, they bring back paintings.
You've got this huge pile of stuff
that they put on this raft
and then they tie to the end of your canoe.
Is there gold in there?
Yeah, there's some gold in there.
Yeah, yeah.
For the bribery.
Of course, for the bribery.
Greased fingers.
Well, you know, we're a little bit late.
We haven't done a lot of, uh.
Well, you've been out of work.
We're trying to get back into the game.
There's probably 75 gold in there.
That should get you pretty far, I would think.
You know, we need some.
We gotta make our trip into town,
get some food here in a little while.
So, maybe I'll see you around
before, you know, before the old signal goes.
How many days do you think this is gonna take?
Like, are we talking, like,
what are you doing tomorrow?
Oh, I don't think we'll be ready by tomorrow.
If we're doing a whole, like,
Psy-op with the paintings and the rumors
and the bribery.
Yeah, right, right.
I think we're looking at, um.
Oh, you gotta let it sit.
A while.
Yeah, that's like a set the stage
and see how it plays out sort of thing.
Yeah, we're gonna play the long game.
And we can make sure at the end of it,
they all know it was orchestrated by you.
Me, Captain Jack and Cho-gar Bubblegar.
I thought you were Captain Jacob.
I wanna make sure we're clear about that.
Captain Jake, Captain Jacob and Cho-gar Bubblegar.
Just if we're gonna start a rumor, I wanna.
Yeah, no, we gotta make sure.
Make sure it's the right name.
You know, it's like what people close to it.
It's a short name, pseudonym, yeah.
Captain Jacob, that's me, that's me.
All right, well, this is sounding like a great plan.
I trust you all like you're my children.
As you should.
Thank you.
So you've got everything you need.
You know where to find us if anything goes awry.
Like send message back, okay?
You know what?
Strategically, you'll be,
if we don't hear from you,
some of our people up here,
you'll be reached out to
just to see how the plan is coming along.
Okay, great.
We'll keep it incognito real down low.
Nobody's gonna know that there's pirates among them.
We've been here the whole time.
Okay, great.
I mean, it's getting dark,
so we should probably just paddle on off home, you know?
Okay.
Hey, are there any monsters in this lake?
Oh yeah, just a couple.
Do it.
Yeah, they're big ones too.
You probably wanna get back before it's dark
cause that's when they really come out.
Great, great, great.
Oh my God, I'm gonna tell the others.
Captain Jacob goes back up the gangplank,
leaving you with Chogar and Bubblegar here
to help you get back into the water.
Oh yeah, do you think if we get in,
could you just push us,
just push us off like you did last time?
Yeah, do you want us to come with you maybe?
I mean, we thought this was gonna be
a whole cannibal thing,
but it's not a cannibal thing.
So I'm a little disappointed.
Let me just say,
to be perfectly clear,
not what we signed up for.
Color me disappointed as well.
Yeah.
And you guys are gonna be coming across
bodies and stuff like that.
We could just be in the background.
We don't have to interfere with you guys all that much
and then we just come in and grab a little snack.
Clean up crew.
I'm gonna be honest,
I don't come across a lot of bodies.
I don't know if-
Yeah, no, not in my day-to-day.
Yeah.
Not in your day-to-day.
We're gonna change it from the inside, you know?
Like, you know.
I mean, you could ride back with us
and then just keep heading south on the River River
and see if you find, like,
kind of the more cannibal vibe you're looking for
on a different ship.
Up to you, but-
I will say this captain's not about the cannibal stuff.
No.
I was kind of here for the cannibal stuff.
Yeah.
Did the letter say cannibal stuff?
Look at this gorgeous painting right here.
I mean, this is the legend, the mythos around them.
And it's just, I think we should maybe give them a shot.
We'll see what this captain, Captain Jack Spare,
or Captain Jacob has going for him.
Yeah, buddy, don't give up on him yet.
Yeah. Okay.
We'll get to eat somebody someday.
I'll tell you what.
And then we'll go swimming, huh?
That's right.
I hope that for you.
And you.
And as you push the canoe out into the water,
you're a little weighed down now with this raft of
a whole lot of stuff behind you.
Guys, we walked here.
You begin paddling back to Cesserus Gardens
as Cho'gar and Bubblegar are waving at you
and getting smaller and smaller in the distance.
So we're definitely gonna have to report this, right?
Well.
Just keep smiling and waving as we go, though.
Okay.
See you guys.
Bye.
Bye, new friends.
I never want to see them again.
Bye-bye.
See you soon.
That sound echoes over the water.
And as you get about halfway and you see
Cesserus Gardens off into the distance,
we see just a quick movement in the water behind you.
Oh, fuck.
Last episode, we just got eaten by a sea monster.
Yep.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season three, episode 19,
starring Amy More as Alydin,
Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane,
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave,
Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard,
with special guests from Looters.
It's a sci-fi Western TTRPG actual play podcast
using the Stars Without Numbers gaming system.
That's Ian Overton as Bubblegar
and Matthew Aberly as Cho-Gar
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue editing by Carla Maxted
and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music
from Epidemic Sound and Slipstream
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character designs
are by Matt Garbutt.
And a huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak, Cat Waterflame,
Jacob Madden, Christian Brown,
Anger on Kiersen, Perry Matey,
Craig Zeiss, Old School Gamer D,
L.A. Branton, Nathaniel Teeter, and Aaron.
If you enjoy the adventure that you're listening to,
we have more over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumbdraggingcast
where you can listen to,
I think it's five seasons now of The Adventures Of.
That's a game that Tom runs
and we have a lot of fun playing it.
We're gonna be starting a new season very soon
and it's going to include Kyle
who wasn't in it previously.
It's very exciting.
And also we have a cyberpunk red campaign
that we'll be releasing episodes monthly on Patreon
before we figure out what we're gonna do
with it somewhere else.
So everybody's very excited about it.
We're excited about it and we want you to join us.
Seven day free trial when you sign up today
and well, we hope to see you over there.
Okay, that's it for me.
You have a great week.
I'll talk to you soon.
Bye now.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.
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