Hey, Dumbgeons and Dragons will start very soon.
The three of you have heard there's a new bakery in town, the delightful Those Buns
Dough, and you have all met in the morning on this fine weekend and are.
You're missing a person.
I thought I thought Bizard was was going to meet us, wasn't he?
Well, I mean, he like wouldn't stop talking about going to this bakery.
So I'm shocked he's not here.
He's the one that told us about the grand opening.
So I just assumed.
I don't know.
Maybe he had like a last minute rush order.
I don't know.
You either love carbs or you don't love carbs.
It's true, but he loves carbs.
I mean, we all love carbs.
Then where is he?
I don't know.
I pictured like magic would take you like advanced planning and things.
So like our rush orders things.
Is that possible?
Honestly, I have no idea.
We should ask him when he gets here or when we see him next, because I'm going
to be honest, I have no idea how magic works like at all.
Maybe he was in some kind of like a dance fight competition because, you
know, like from his school, maybe he still like meets up with the with the
old crew.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Mayor stuff.
I mean, there's a lot of options.
He's he's a busy guy.
Secret lover.
We don't know.
We don't know him that well.
Never even asked if he has a lover secret or not.
I think that's going to be the first question we should ask him when we see
him though.
I don't know.
It seems rude.
I think the first thing we should do is tell him how delicious those
buns dough is, even if it's not.
I bet it's going to be though, right?
Yeah, it's definitely going to be.
Can you smell?
It smells so good.
We cut to the magic closet.
Mm, bizarre.
You are walking up to the door as you normally do in the morning.
That's a weekend.
So you're going in ahead of meeting up with your friends and your head down,
getting your keys and you look up and there's a letter nailed to the door.
Oh damn, what?
OK, what is this?
Pull the letter down.
You open it up and inside is very simple message says meet Kenny in two days.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, things are I need to start planning for this meeting.
Um, what do I have to do today?
I mean, stores ready to go.
What was I about to do?
I'm sure I'll remember later.
I need to I need to start planning.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast,
and I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More.
He him also with me today is Amy More as Alydin.
She her.
He's our other monsters in this week.
Carla Max dead as Bonwyn Everbane.
She her first question.
Are you a river pirates?
Because legally you have to tell us before we help you.
Tom Laird as Kavlar in Gold Weave.
He him.
Well, interesting that you said you voted for different people.
Did you have to vote at the same time or?
Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard.
He him.
What do I have to do today?
I'm sure I'll remember later.
I need to I need to start planning with special guests from looters.
Ian Overton and Matthew Aberle is bubble gar and show gar.
Well, it's because you have the finesse to handle it.
See, I'm much more coordinated.
It's not it's not a finesse issue.
It's a mass issue.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Patreon supported podcast.
You can join us today at Patreon dot com slash dumb
dragon cast if you're liking the adventure.
No pressure.
And now, fuck it, let's play.
It is a beautiful weekend morning
and Bonwyn and Kavlaran Alydin
have gone down and picked up
lovely coffee and pastries or juice and pastries for Alydin,
who may not have developed the bitter taste of coffee.
I don't know. Maybe it's coffee.
I don't know. Maybe.
OK, then it's all coffee.
Everybody's got a coffee.
Everybody's having a great time.
But you just picked it up from the newly opened
those buns dough, which is a lovely bakery
that has just opened up in Vintersmouth.
And as you're walking down to the docks
to just kind of watch the river and the sunrise
and see who's out and about on this fine day,
you see a couple of very interesting characters.
The first is a a small gnome.
And I say small because the individual who's beside them
is quite large by comparison.
And they have two heads.
If you, Matthew and Ian, could describe your character.
All right. Well, first off, we're like six foot four.
We're huge. We're gigantic.
And we're like one and one half of us, I'd say.
The half that's Matthew's side is it's really ripped.
It's very muscular. Don't get me wrong.
I'm muscular as well.
However, it's like it's more like some leakage.
There's some leakage over there.
There's some leakage.
I'm the I guess what you'd call my side's the more
it's the brains and the bra.
Best of both worlds.
But we're a giant etingling and we have two heads.
And when you see on the very brawny side
of this creature is totally shaved bald head,
a bunch of sort of like runic tattoos
all over the just the head down to the neck.
And it looks like it clearly stops wherever it looks like.
There's a you know, like when you're sleeping in bed with someone,
there's a clear line of the halfway point,
like clearly where the the less brawny side exists.
There's no tattoos at all. Completely stops.
But there's a lot of veins on that head
because that brain is just thinking so hard.
It's really it's really using all of its brainpower because it's.
Yeah, the one head is actually quite a bit larger than the brawny head.
Like the brawny head, honestly, looks really small.
Like everyone's just seen like like an ogre
and their head's just too small for their body.
That's his side. My side, however, is huge.
It's you can tell there's a lot of stuff going on in there.
A lot of things with a with a really thin neck that supports.
Barely supports it.
So these are the two individuals, call them three individuals you see.
And they're holding up a sign.
And on this sign is scrawled the words new in town, period.
Snake Isle, question mark.
People are walking past them a little bit taken aback
because ettlings aren't very common at all in this world.
I mean, you may have heard, depending on your history role,
may have heard stories of them, but likely none of you have ever seen them
outside of some scrawling in a book or something like that.
Yes. Same question I was going to ask at that, Amy.
Clarification, I.S.L.E. or A.I.
We've made this mistake before.
Please be very clear with the spelling.
Are we going shopping or are we going on a trip?
Well, roll history.
That's the answer to the quick question. I.S.L.E.
We fucked up a game before.
Yeah, the three of you can roll history.
See what we know about Snake Isle.
Snake Isle.
That is a 15 for me.
I love it.
Oh, 18. 14.
All right.
All right. So all basically the same, which makes total sense
because Snake Isle there.
So in the middle of Lake Vogtig,
which is the lake off of Vintersmouth itself,
that feeds out of the River River,
there are three unique and individual small islands.
And they call this the Snake Isle.
So it is a well-known source.
And of course, you all know it very well.
But that's where it is.
Do you think they're looking for Snake Isle?
Do you think they want to go there?
They just want directions.
Do they know it's right there?
Or just information about it, maybe?
I mean, we could ask.
Hey, excuse me. Hey.
Oh, hi.
Excuse me. Oh, they're talking to us.
They're talking to us.
Maybe. OK, you play cool, everybody.
We're cool. I'm super cool.
I know how to be cool. Yeah, we're super cool.
Yeah. OK.
Shut up, Cho'gar.
My god, Tali.
Just don't tell me to shut up, Bubblegar.
I'm sorry, I'm the gnome beside them.
Gnome beside them.
Yes, there's a gnome beside them as well.
Sorry, I thought you were Tali, my best buddy.
I was like, shut up.
Also, shut up, stranger.
Just yelling at those strangers.
Shut up, stranger.
Excuse me.
My name's not Tali.
My name's Tauber.
Uh, you can introduce yourself.
I did that last time, and they plunked me into the ground.
So as you were.
This is Bonwyn.
Hi.
Alydin kind of like backs up, does not want to get
crushed into the ground.
Alydin, Kavlaran, are you looking for snake isles or?
Looking in a sense of the term.
OK, like do you need someone to take you there?
We're on a magnificent quest, illustrious,
one might call it.
We're in search of this legendary bachelor party.
And we heard it's going to be one
of the most festive and elegant nights of the year.
And we would be so gracious if we
could have your assistance helping us find this place.
Yeah, we're trying to rage.
Fuck yeah, dude.
OK, um, like a ton of experience in that neighborhood.
I mean, you know, party, I mean a little bit,
but like rage is a it's like a upper tier that I,
I mean, personally, I haven't gone to.
You can get there, brother.
Oh, I love I love the confidence.
We can take you there.
The more the merrier.
I want to go too.
Oh, Alydin, I don't think that bachelor party probably
is really the best place for you to go.
Everybody's welcome at a bachelor party.
Yeah, right.
Of course.
OK, I mean, she has a literal child, but, um,
so you need what, like a guide,
a guide to the Snake Isles.
I'm not a child, I'm 14.
I apologize, Alydin, you're right.
Yes, yes, somebody, as we're new in town here,
we just got off one of these lovely ships over here.
He points back and there's a ship that's pulling away
and going back up the river.
That one right there, we got off
and they told us to come to, he pulls out a scroll,
Lake Vochtig, Snake Isle, near Vintersmouth.
Somebody will help you.
And maybe maybe that somebody's you.
OK, first question.
Are you river pirates?
Because legally, you have to tell us before we have to.
That's true. You do have to tell us.
We're not pirates.
No, no, not pirates.
I hate pirates.
They really upset me.
Pirates murdered his family.
We are not pirates.
Are.
See what you did there?
I saw what you did there.
Could I ask a DM question?
Well, this is actually more for the players,
but what do Cho'gar and Bubblegar
see who are talking to us?
Oh, great question.
I'm a 14-year-old half elf.
OK.
So short stature, super skinny.
I'm a street kid.
Short red hair and just pretty like hopped up on caffeine.
Carries a bucket.
Oh, yeah, no, I've got a bucket.
Carries a bucket.
Don't forget about the bucket.
Are you wearing the bucket?
There's a lot of different things in the bucket.
No, no, no.
It's just like attached to my belt.
It's like a side bag.
Yeah, there's stuff in there.
Imagine like, absolutely.
Hell yeah.
OK, so 14-year-old half elf.
We've heard the 14-year-old part.
Yeah.
Yeah, canonically.
Dwarf blacksmith.
So short, round, gives a good hug.
You don't know that yet, but that's what I look like.
I look warm and cozy.
Warm and cozy, great.
So it's a very small party thus far.
I feel like we're kind of towering over everybody.
Show off Bubblegar.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Half elf, bit of a thicker gentleman as well.
Sports a beard.
Looks like he could be fun if he wasn't in office mode,
which he is like 80% of the time.
But it's the weekend.
And?
Oh.
Oh, we definitely, yeah, we've got
to take this guy to the bachelor party.
Yeah, absolutely.
100%.
Last time you went to a party,
he got a tattoo on his back.
That is true.
Can we see the tattoo?
I mean, I guess.
Come on.
For sure.
OK, all right.
Show us.
And yeah, Kav turns around, takes his shirt off
so you can see his back.
And Alydin, why don't you tell the fine folks
what they see?
Is it page one or page two?
It was page two.
I can't remember.
Page two of a contract with some paperwork.
So yeah, there's two other dudes out there
with page one and page three.
He takes his job really seriously.
That's right.
That's some sick line work, man.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
So yeah, you're all from around here.
You know where, and he looks back at the thing,
Snake Isle is?
Yeah, I mean, my folks were tired down at Lake Votig,
so yeah, I definitely know the way there.
And then there is a few, there's no official transit,
but there's some folks with boats
who will run little water taxis, essentially, I think,
for people to get out there.
Oh, that seems reasonable.
I like a water taxi.
I like that.
Yeah, we like that.
We like that, guys, water taxis
and take these fine folks with us over to Snake Isle.
Yeah, we'll take them to their first bachelor party.
Their very first bachelor party.
Yes.
Rage.
Where do you want to, I mean,
Bond, when you know the area probably best,
where do you want to go to take these fine folks?
I know the area best.
We haven't explored this area of the map,
whereas none of us know anything.
I know.
But canonically, my parents have retired there,
so I feel like they are in a little place on the lake.
There's probably like 40 other little houses down there,
and they have a communal games room and things like that,
but each in their own little spot.
So, I mean, there's road access down to there
and then sort of all around the lake, let's say.
Yeah.
So, I don't know.
Is there a little town down there?
We have not established that.
Probably just like-
Yeah, there's like a bedroom community of sorts,
I would say, specifically for perhaps retirees.
That's where they ship all your retirees off to
is the other side of the lake.
Get out of town, stop taking up space,
and go to the other side of the lake.
So, yes, let's go visit Bonwyn's parents.
Well, that's very lovely of you.
I look forward to this.
All right, pick up our bags, guys,
and I'll hop on your back like usual,
and away we go.
I like it when you're up here.
It feels like we have another brother.
A third head, one might say.
Three heads.
You know, three heads is better than two,
is what they say.
They do say that.
Specifically these two.
Yeah, these guys never get along.
It's fine.
You lead the way.
You give us the sites as we go,
because this is an entirely new place for us.
We come from Scheitz Creek over on the other side
of the May Mountains.
Have you heard of it?
I have not heard of that.
That's a nice place, or?
Smells terrible.
Beautiful.
Smells terrible, but lovely place.
Like just, for your eyes, a magnificent.
Just got a new mayor.
Mayor, great leader.
This is what they call him.
He's really turning the place around.
Said he's gonna take care of the smell.
Believe it when I see it though.
I didn't vote for him.
Because it's pretty embedded.
I did.
You think you'd be nose blind to that after a while,
but it's so powerful, hey?
You just.
It is pungent, let me tell you.
There's like some gases in the lake,
some like sulfur, some,
I don't know exactly what it is,
but 10 miles away you're gonna smell it.
It's terrible.
Great hot springs though.
Great hot springs.
Oh my god. Oh, okay, yeah.
Good place to stretch out.
Have some alone time.
Not that I can ever get that.
Me neither.
Well, interesting that you said
you voted for different people.
Did you have to vote at the same time?
Or one of you would like turn their head away
and then the other scribble down a name
on a piece of paper.
How does that work?
We count as a half vote in our community.
So each vote of ours is like 0.5.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very cool.
I don't mean to sound,
I'm gonna try and ask this delicately.
We don't have many single body,
two head folks here in our town.
Is that pretty common?
Where you guys come from?
Yeah, no, it's super common.
Yeah, no, the people like this are,
yeah, everybody's like two heads.
Yeah. Wow.
Lots of heads everywhere.
Lots of heads, so many heads.
It's really disembodied.
If one of you gets a cold,
do you both get a cold?
He gets cold all the time.
I never get sick. No, no, I don't.
I know, that doesn't happen
to what you're talking about.
You can hear it in the sinuses.
All right, I sound fine.
I might.
You hear that?
I am breathing clear right now.
Powerful breathing.
Powerful.
It must be the clear lake air that's rolling in
that's really cleared them out.
We might, you know,
we might hang out here a little while,
just after the bachelor party.
Yeah. Right?
Yeah.
It's a lovely location.
So we're like, I guess, walking,
bruising down.
We're on the boardwalk now.
There's a boardwalk.
It is disrepair,
because we are on the,
not the noble side of the river.
We're on the regular folks side of the river,
but yeah, there's the boardwalk.
Oh yeah.
It's nice.
Just like some shady carnival games
along there.
Can we play some games?
Questionable ice cream shop.
We can't game.
I want to play a game.
I want to win a stuffed animal.
You didn't let me win one last time
and now you're gaining my way again.
I don't know why you do this all the time.
You have terrible hand-eye coordination,
bubble guard.
It takes the amount of money we waste
with you playing is insulting.
That's cause you never let me try.
You've never let me grow.
You've never wanted me to succeed.
I can't believe you.
I have nothing to do with your vision.
Guys, we can fight about this later.
You did lose a lot of money
in that last town we were in,
trying to put the rings on the bottles.
I was so close.
Like 50 gold.
You hit the floor more than you didn't.
But that last one.
It wasn't even close.
That was all me.
It's a team effort.
We combined our efforts.
Oh my God, if Tally was attached to me,
I think I'd kill it.
Oh, we've tried.
Well, most days, most weeks for sure.
Yeah, it gets real ruckus, you know.
Right about the middle of the week,
they just had enough with each other
and then it resets.
You know, they have a little alone time.
They turn their heads away from each other
and think about what they've done.
And then we go along our way,
lather, rinse, repeat.
And how did you all meet?
Oh, bachelor party.
We're siblings.
Bachelor party.
Wife long friendships made.
That's nice.
That's right.
Could be you guys.
We don't know, you know.
If you guys like raging with us,
it could just be, you know,
this is the new bachelor party crew.
Rage.
We just go bachelor party to bachelor party.
I can rage.
Yeah, yeah.
You got a small frame.
There's probably a lot of rage
built up inside of you.
You have no idea.
You could turn into one of these guys
when you grow up.
What?
Really?
Who wouldn't want to be one of us?
I wouldn't want to.
If you come to Scheitz Creek,
I mean, just about everybody has two heads.
So maybe you'll get an extra head too.
Is it because of the smell?
Yeah.
Something like that.
Yeah.
I haven't really thought about that before.
So it's a punishment to get a second head
because then you have an extra nose
because of the terrible smell.
What happens when you need to go to the bathroom?
Have you ever kissed anybody?
What do you do when someone else is kissing
and they're attached to you?
He made me watch.
Oh, that's real weird.
I thought like maybe you put a bag on your head
or something.
I thought I tried to, I tried.
He wouldn't let me though.
We usually stand in doorways.
He stands on the other side.
That's a practical solution, of course.
We cut ahead to Bonwyn's parents' retirement community.
You are walking along the road
that winds along Lake Vogtig.
Off in the distance, you can see the faint outline
of some islands in the middle of the lake.
As you get closer to the community,
you see that there are lovely log cabins.
There's little fires going, people out,
tossing horseshoes.
There's this nice arch that you walk up to.
This entire time, I've been asking
just the most inappropriate questions.
We come up to the arch and I'm like,
so do you have to like rock, paper, scissors
for who wipes your butt?
No, he always does.
Well, it's because you don't have the finesse to handle it.
See, I'm much more coordinated.
It's not a finesse issue, it's a mass issue.
I can't turn, can't rotate well to my side.
Yeah, his bicep can hardly touch his back.
It's really embarrassing.
I mean, he's like stiff.
Imagine riding a run with this guy.
Are you kidding me?
Is that why you walk with your arm out like this?
And as you're walking up to the arch,
you see a sign that says the name
of the retirement community.
And what's that called, Carla?
Cesarus Gardens is what the thing says.
This thing.
That's what the sign says when we approach.
Cesarus Gardens, where we send our old people,
is the motto below the sign.
Perfect.
When you're here, you're old.
I'm feeling it already.
One, two, three, four,
we are in the middle now.
Welcome to the middle, everybody.
How you doing?
You fuck.
What?
Just a surprise middle, sort of.
In the middle.
Yeah.
Amy's bringing a certain kind of energy
to this middle.
Listen, I was about to put candies in my mouth.
I know, you know they're in your hand.
And Russ just waited.
Just waited until it was like mid-mouth.
Amy's been sizing up her opportunity this whole time.
And then yelled out his stupid note,
she was waiting.
I'm going to the middle.
You fuck.
Well, we're here in the middle of this episode
and we're playing.
Not eating candy.
Definitely not eating candy, unfortunately.
We'll get there, don't worry.
This will be a short middle, I promise.
Wink, wink.
But we're playing a game with the folks from Looters.
And they are a frigging blast
and you should go check out their show.
You should.
Especially when Russ and I are on it.
That's right.
I think if timing is right,
next week, we will, next week or the week after?
I think next week.
I can't remember exactly.
Yeah.
There we are going to be on their show.
And sort of, if you haven't listened to them before,
you should because they're fun and they're very funny.
But our episodes are pretty standalone-y.
There's some standalone-y below.
You can just like dip in for those.
Episode kind of thing happening.
Yep.
So yes, they're a sci-fi space western.
They use the Stars Without Numbers game system,
which is like D&D in space.
It's a lot of fun.
The whole thing is, I understand,
homebrew to Matthew's world.
And Matthew plays with us here.
He's Cho-Gar.
He's the game master over there.
So much fun.
We're actually going to try and arrange
the other cast members to come on with us
because they're a blast, too,
and I think are really going to like this.
Awesome.
That'd be so fun.
But now, Amy's got to eat candy and...
Priorities.
We've got big business things to work through.
So we're going to let you get back to the episode.
We'll go take care of the business stuff
so you kids don't have to worry about it anymore,
okay?
You're welcome.
And don't worry, Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting.
Not fighting.
It's not your fault.
That I didn't let her eat the candy.
Okay, bye everybody.
Bye!
Hey, we're back.
Amy's chewing candy.
So you're not going to hear her speak.
But we forgot something really important.
If you support us on Patreon,
patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
then you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron.
What does the episode dedication feel like in your soul?
Stop stalling for time, Russ.
Tell us who the patron is.
I can't yet.
Kyle, what does it feel like
when you get an episode dedicated to you?
When you get an episode dedicated to you,
there is a light that just flares up in every chakra.
And you reach the peak of nirvana.
And then you realize like, wow,
that was worth everything I've worked towards in life.
You heard it here.
And that feeling is about to come to Wendy Bale.
Thanks, Wendy.
Wow, Wendy.
Thanks so much, Wendy.
I feel like I need to say congratulations.
But what I actually need to say is thank you
for your support, we love you.
Enjoy those chakras, all lit up.
Oh yeah.
See you from here.
Just pow, pow, pow.
If you want to feel that,
patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
that's the place to do it.
Just like Wendy.
It's even a seven day free trial.
Sure is.
We're going to let you get back to the episode now.
And we promise not to come back again.
This is it.
Well, we'll come back.
This was really rude of us.
For the pre-recorded stuff, but yeah.
Okay, bye now.
Bye.
Love you, bye.
Bye.
You walk into Caesaurus Gardens
and it's filled with humans, half elves,
and a few dwarves from the community
who have come to spend their final glorious golden years
just taking in all of the luxurious sights and sounds
that Lake Vogtig has to offer.
You wander through the community
and there are several calls to you particularly,
Bonwyn, because you come here quite regularly.
Oh yeah, I know lots of folks around here.
You betcha.
All the folks, yep.
And you finally make it to your parents' house,
which is a log cabin with a lovely garden out front.
Through the window you can see that your mother's there
and she catches a eye of you and everybody else
and you hear just a faint call inside,
presuming that she's calling to your father
and both of them come barreling out towards you.
Bonwyn embraces you in this huge hug.
Bonwyn, it's so good to see you!
Oh, it's so good to see you too.
Oh, the garden looks so great.
You guys have been working so hard.
Thank you, thank you.
Yes, your mother's been spending a lot of time on it.
Oh, well, you know.
Gotta keep busy.
And of course their cabin is distinguished
because there's like a lot of wrought iron work,
like too much, but you know, retired blacksmith.
I mean like, cute little fence around the garden,
just every window, everything is adorned with.
My father's very good work,
but it's just maybe, maybe too much.
Tober kind of mentions as you're going through,
he's like, great, great, you do all this work, sir.
And then of course I'm the guy.
Yeah.
Damn it.
And then you as father.
Yes, yes, of course I did.
Bonwyn's taken over the business though.
She can tell you about all the intricacies
of each piece that I've done here.
Oh, she's so talented.
Yeah, and they definitely want to hear about that.
We're just really stopping through these fine folks.
You didn't want to come in for snacks?
Oh, tell us who your friends are.
I would love a snack as well.
Yeah.
We could, are these romantic friends?
Oh, mom, come on.
Let's.
Well, I'm just saying.
I guess you actually don't know.
So, Alydin, this is, this is.
This is my mom and dad, Kavlaran.
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
Bubblegar, absolute pleasure.
Cho-gar, lovely to meet you.
Do you want to come and rage?
Yeah, so these folks are going to a bachelor party
on the Snake Isles.
So, ooh.
Oh, the Snake Isles.
You're invited if you want to come.
Oh dear, do you know how long it's been?
It's been a while.
Remember the rave?
Oh, the Snake Isle rave, yes.
I remember it like it was yesterday,
but also I remember very few details.
It's all just a blur.
Well, with all the ecstasy we have.
There was so much ecstasy that we had.
There was, lots.
I heard about that night.
I heard it was pretty crazy.
I wish it could have been there.
I'm glad the tale has made its way to where,
oh, sorry, where did you say you were from?
Sheitz Creek, smells terrible.
Oh, smells terrible.
Yes, I've heard good things about Sheitz Creek.
Not the aroma, but the people.
The people there are good people.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
A lot of heads.
Four of the five senses are great.
Of course, yes.
Well, Sheitz Creek is great.
I've actually just been finishing up a canoe.
It might be a little small for you,
but we could give it a try.
Perhaps you want to take that over.
If not, if it doesn't work,
if it doesn't work,
you can go down to the rental office
and they can help you with a little boat or two
to get you across though.
Let's go get those snacks though.
Great, yeah, let's have some snacks.
Love some snacks.
And you know about the canoe thing,
we're six, four, mind you.
We're a really big guy.
And if we don't fit in the canoe,
just tie a rope around us and we're really buoyant.
We'll just float along with you guys, it's fine.
And it is usually how we get across the water,
isn't it?
Me floating on your back and you kicking your legs.
Yeah, good thing we found that ship
going down the river.
It was getting real choppy there for some moments.
It's really good bonding for us, I feel like.
You really are our third brother, Tober, that's your name.
And I know that.
Yeah.
It's Tober, Bubblegar, you know this.
I know that, I know that, I know that.
My brains, I'm just thinking about, I'm so smart
that I'm thinking about so many different things
all at once that it's sometimes hard for me
to remember people's names.
I stopped listening after they said snacks, so.
I hear ya.
Bonwyn, can I swim across?
I mean, do you know how to swim, Alydin?
I don't know.
Yeah, yes.
Okay, so if you were to demonstrate to me right now
what you would do with your arms
when you were going for a swim,
could you just do that quickly?
Alydin flaps around.
Okay, maybe not a swim across then.
Oh, well that's what I did when I went into the well
that one time and then Tali took three hours
to get me out.
Well, maybe later in the year we can come back here
and you could learn to swim not in a well.
Fine.
I mean, that's basically how we swim as well.
I think that'll go great.
That's where all the best swimmers learn how to swim
is in wells.
There's not very far to go.
You can get good position.
Oh, I think for her safety though,
maybe we just put some snacks in that bucket.
On rare occasion, I do agree with my two brothers,
Tobar and Bubblegar.
Great form.
Oh, thanks, you guys.
Well, here are the snacks.
What are these, little tiny finger sandwiches?
Oh, yeah, and you brought out the good cheese.
I did, I did bring out the good cheese.
There's fingers in these sandwiches?
Oh, no.
Well, you eat them with your fingers.
Oh, she got me really excited there for a second.
Not that I eat human body parts.
No, no.
Well, good thing we're dwarves then.
That's, yeah, that's totally fine
if you're eating human fingers, am I right?
Couldn't be me.
Oh, never.
What an interesting group you're hanging out with here,
Bonner.
He would never.
Good, I'm glad.
All right, well, we'll send you.
Yeah, I'll go get the canoe
and just meet you down by the lake, okay?
I'm gonna go put the sandwiches back inside.
Okay, well, can I have one for her?
Oh, yes, of course, sir.
Yeah, okay, here you go.
Take your sandwiches and he zips behind
to go grab the canoe.
Oh, don't mind him.
He's just super awkward around new people.
Just go on down to the edge of the lake there
and he'll meet you there.
Bonwyn, honey, it's so good to see you.
Yeah, it's good to see you.
I'll come back for a real visit soon.
You really should.
You make your way down to the edge of the lake
and you're standing there for a moment looking out
and you do see the snake isles off in the distance.
There's a bit of mist and haze on the lake this morning
and then you hear the sound of a canoe being dragged
down from the house.
Doesn't have it on a cart.
Okay, I'm gonna maybe go help my poor old dad here.
No, no, I've got it.
He also doesn't have it on the thing, on his shoulders
where he can just walk, no, okay, well.
I've got it, don't worry.
The canoe building's a new thing in retirement
so he just mostly was a blacksmith.
We can help and I'll head over there too
to help lift it up.
I won't.
Well, yeah, thank you, yeah, I don't know.
I gotta handle it.
Me and my dad are just trying to grab it
because it's so high in the air.
Well, thank you, thank you for your assistance.
Yeah, I mean, I made it extra wide
so it has had good stability.
It seems like everybody had fit in there.
It's a long canoe, pretty wide.
Just haven't finished out the inside there.
It's a little pokey in some spots.
Just be careful as you're stepping in
but otherwise it floats just perfect.
And paddles, Dad, you've got.
Paddles, I'll go down to the rental office
and get you some paddles.
I didn't get that far.
I was so excited about showing you the boat
and he books it just down in just a little ways
and you see him come back out with several oars
under his arms.
Got these ones covered.
Let me know how the feel is on the water here
especially being so loaded with your new friends here
and he hands everybody an oar.
Thank you, Mr. Bonwyn's Dad.
Oh, you're welcome, Alydin.
It's lovely to meet you all.
So enjoy the bachelor party.
Don't take too much ecstasy is all I can say.
Okay, thanks, Dad.
Great, great tip.
Great.
Thank you for the ecstasy.
Are you supposed to take?
None, none.
Take none ecstasy.
Don't let the child take ecstasy.
I was not going to, Dad.
Thank you.
I'm not a child.
She's 14. She's 14.
Oh, oh, of course.
No ecstasy.
You never get to do anything with the sun.
No idea what ecstasy even is.
So we're all in the canoe.
You're about to find out.
Oh my God, to be the 14 year old surrounded
by adults on ecstasy like, oh, what's happening here?
You all pile in right on the edge of the boat
and it's a little bit on the shore of the beach still
and you see a scaldering behind trying to help push you in.
What are you big, big fellows,
maybe put your hand in the water
and just give you a little, little nudge.
Go ahead, Bubblegar, try.
I'll do it at the same time.
It'll be like two of us are doing it.
I can push.
You know, I don't need Chogar to do anything.
Watch this, guys.
And I'm gonna take my hand and I'll put it in the
water and I'm just gonna start really roughly doggy paddling.
Now, whether that goes anywhere or not, I don't know.
Roll athletics.
With it, with, I'm not even gonna give you an advantage.
Cause there's an older gentleman helping you push.
And I think I'm actively making it harder for him.
Yeah.
All right.
That's an, that's an eight.
So I think I crush it.
I think I do it.
We started zooming by at lightning speed, right?
Scaldering behind push.
He's like, are you, are you sure you're doing anything?
It's moving.
No, it's moving.
It's definitely, it's moving a little bit guys.
Come on.
Well, you're moving the water.
I'm gonna put my one arm in and do one powerful stroke.
Oh, there you go.
Oh wow.
Wow.
Look at that.
See, it's a combined effort.
We work together.
It works out really well.
Team makes the dream work.
I'll always be stealing my credit, Bubblegar.
Our credit.
All right, we'll see you after your bachelor party
as you drift away from the shore there.
Rage.
Hey guys, I put a whole bunch
of those little sandwiches in my pocket.
Oh, good call.
That's really smart.
The finger ones.
Yeah.
Okay, nice.
I'm hoping we're, our weight is dispersed
sort of correctly in this canoe.
We're not just like going around in a circle
because we've got the, no, we did it right.
We did good, Russ.
Yeah, you did it right.
What do you want me to roll for canoe bAlydince?
I feel like you've bAlydinced it.
You took some time there.
Like it was hefty to get in there
because there was one older man
trying to push you off the shore.
We haven't quite dragged it into the water enough.
So we were a little bit too on the shore.
That's fine.
It's like when you're not quite
at the point of the snow hill on your sled.
So you're just kind of scooching.
They're from California.
They don't know where to go.
We need to like swap it out a little bit.
I mean, we can hop out
and then Aylin can hop out as well.
Cause I think we're the best swimmers here in the group.
And then that way that the canoe would be better bAlydinced.
I'm ready.
Yeah.
Are we, are we getting more water?
I could use a soak.
Maybe let's, I mean, I vote against that.
It's hard to get back in a canoe
once you're out in the water.
Plus we all want to go rage, right?
So yeah.
Would it slow down the raging?
Yeah, that's a good point.
Darn.
Maybe next time, maybe next time.
Yeah, you're all such good swimmers.
It looks like it's pretty far off in this.
How big is this lake?
I mean, it's, it's, it's pretty big, but we can,
this is, this is fine.
Canoe is a, is a totally fine way to do this.
It's lovely.
It's scenic.
Ah, this is the most relaxed
I think we've been on this entire journey.
Isn't it right boys?
Hey, are there monsters in this lake?
Oh no, I don't think so.
I've never heard anything about any monsters.
Oh, I don't know.
Keep your eyes out, I guess.
I mean, all the kids say that there are monsters
in this lake.
Really? Really?
I've never once heard that.
Huh.
Okay, well, I mean, please keep an eye out.
That's maybe what we need you to do.
Alydin scampers to the front of the boat
and it's just like.
You go set up watch and some time passes
and the aisles are getting closer to you.
The fog is getting a little heavier the closer you get,
but you can still make out where you're headed.
And you make your way into this pathway
or this straight between two of the islands.
Tauber speaks up.
Did they, they didn't tell us there were multiple.
Did they tell us where we should be?
The island of snakes,
the one with all that has all the snakes on it.
Yeah, yeah.
Is there a specific one with snakes
or are they all just the snake aisles?
Oh, it's plural, isn't it?
Oh, shit.
Yes, yeah, there's multiple.
You know, we got it wrong on the form here.
There's three of them.
I think if we just keep paddling around,
we'll hear the rage.
Yeah, probably hear the bachelor party, right?
Yeah.
We could just eenie meenie miney moe it.
That could be pretty fun too.
Oh, I make a lot of my decisions like that.
Yeah, a little coin flip.
All right.
All right, well, we've got one on the left,
one straight ahead and one on the right.
Everybody quiet, everybody listen
and see if we hear any deep bases.
No, no, I thought I did it by just my head.
Yeah, that's okay.
You see Tober looking back at his parchment
and rolling it back up and thinking,
let's try that one.
And he points to the one on the right
where there's a little inlet
that kind of cuts around an edge there
into like this caved area,
but there's a nice place where you could pull up
the canoe that you're in.
Like a little lagoon?
A little lagoon, yeah.
How big are these islands, Russ?
Do people live on them or are they just
little islands people would boat out to and do things?
They're little islands people would boat out to.
You pull into the lagoon and as you do,
you look around and everybody make a other perception
or investigation depending on your state.
Probably for you two, I'd want an investigation check
because you're actually looking for specific signs
whereas everybody else is more just along for the ride.
Do we both roll or is it like a singular roll?
That's a great question.
I mean, you got four sets of eyes.
Oh yeah, we do have four sets of eyes.
You got two sets of four eyes.
No, two sets of eyes, that's what you've got.
Wait, do they have four eyes?
You should have mentioned.
18 eyes, two heads, 18 eyes.
Buried the lead on that one.
I got a 17.
19.
24.
Dammit.
Beating you out again.
Oh, I got a one.
You're still looking for monsters on the lake.
I'm looking for monsters.
You've moved to the back now,
you're looking for monsters who are sneaking up
behind you now that there's not much in front of you.
Tom, what did Kavlaran get there?
Nine for Kavlaran.
You're also looking for monsters.
You're also long for the ride.
Maybe you got a hand on Alydin,
making sure they don't fall out
as they lean over the edge.
Everybody else coming up,
you see this large cave opening
and for Chogar and Bubblegar and Bonwyn,
you catch sight inside of what looks to be a ship
inside this deep tunnel.
Like it's just, you can see the edge of it
sticking back out
and then you're looking along the tree line,
you don't see anybody,
still don't hear any deep bases of a bachelor party.
But yeah, you do see the outline
of a ship inside this tunnel.
Guys, I think I hear the deep base
of a rave going on inside this cave.
I feel like we need to go in here.
I mean, you didn't mention
this is a boat bachelor party.
It's a yacht party, essentially.
Wow.
Yeah, really fancy.
They may be playing some yacht rock.
Oh yeah, motley crew.
I feel I'm maybe not dressed for this party.
This is fancy.
No, it's okay.
It's any dress code.
It's like kind of do your own thing.
It's very inclusive.
They'll have a change of clothes, I'm sure of it.
All right, let's get this.
I'm gonna get,
maybe I shouldn't be the one to hop out
and pull us up to the edge.
You guys hop out and pull us up to the edge, okay?
All right, Bubblegar.
All right, Chogar.
If we're gonna do this together,
it's gonna be you and me.
I can't see it.
Yeah, you go first.
I'll follow your lead.
No, after you, I insist.
Chogar, you're making me look like a fool.
That's what I thought.
And then I grab the rope and I help pull it in.
They do this every time.
It's a real like who's on first kind of vibe.
Who's on second?
I don't know.
You pull the canoe up to the edge
and everybody climbs out
and you're making your way around
to the edge of this tunnel
and the edge of this cave.
I was just gonna say it's a tunnel.
There's just so many tunnels and caves.
It's a very subterranean adventure
that we're trying to put out
through this entire first season.
And you see the boat comes into view.
You can't make out any markings on it.
It is quiet.
You hear like this steady trickling of water
somewhere deep within the cave.
And Tauber says,
well, I'm just gonna go run up and check
and see where everybody is.
Maybe they went out on a little excursion
see if they left anybody behind.
How big's the boat?
This place is so cool.
I'm picturing a giant pirate ship,
but you have not.
Yeah, same here.
It is a giant ship.
Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, it is quite large.
You don't see any flags
or any sort of symbols on the ship.
And no EDM yet.
Like I can't hear anything.
Nothing.
There's no sign of ecstasy.
There's no open packages of drugs or paraphernalia around.
No smash bongs or anything like that.
The party hasn't started.
Or even people.
Or even people, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
You see Tauber run up
and there's a gangplank that's coming down to the side
and he runs up.
He's like, hey, is anybody here?
And he disappears on top of the ship.
This place is so cool.
Do you think that maybe there's treasure in there?
I wouldn't be surprised.
Honestly, yeah.
That's the type of party they throw you.
It's a treasure party.
That's why we're all dressed like treasure hunters
and pirates and things.
Alydin B lines for it after Tauber.
For the ship?
Yeah.
Okay.
So you run after him.
Everybody else is standing around waiting.
Party usually starts around.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
But party usually starts around 10.
We showed up a little early.
It's only nine o'clock.
Nobody shows up to these functions on time.
You gotta be fashionably late.
That's why there's no drugs.
Who did you say was getting married again?
Did you mention who the bachelor was?
That's kind of one of the things
about these bachelor parties we go to.
It's just like, it's like an underground network.
It's kind of like what you know, who you know,
kind of thing.
I don't know the guy getting married.
He doesn't know me, but I'm invited
because we're part of the same,
it's kind of like a cult, you know?
Like a crew or something like that.
Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
Alydin disappears on top of the ship.
I'm in there.
And then.
And I'm having second thoughts.
Everybody hears this loud like wood mechanism,
like a.
And coming up and over the ship
is this huge rope net.
Everybody make a dexterity save auto.
Oh, well that was very poor.
You're up in the ship.
I'm already in it.
So everybody on the grounds,
which would be Bubblegar, Chogar,
and Kavlaran, and Bonalyn.
Let's say 15 for cav.
For anything physical, Ian,
do you think that you and I should both roll
and take the lower of the two?
What if we both roll a d10?
What about averaging the two?
Add it together?
Yeah.
That's good.
I like that.
All right, all right.
I like that too.
I got a nine, which tracks.
Oh, there we go, there we go.
I'm making a one right now, watch.
Four, okay.
All right.
13.
And 11 for me.
So there's, and then the whistle of this net
coming over top of you.
Kavlaran, you manage to just barely jump out of the way.
Like it catches your foot.
But Bubblegar, Chogar, and Bonalyn,
you are wrapped up in this
and it like bolos around your feet
and you all go down hard.
Kavlaran, you're knocked to the ground.
You look up on the deck.
You're trying to pull this rope up
and you see that there's a formidable mob
of pirate-like individuals, all standing up on the deck.
And they have Alladin who has her mouth tied
and gagged up on the ship.
The new recruits are here
and it looks like they brought some friends.
Yeah, they're here to rage with us.
Rage.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season three, episode 18,
starring Amy More as Alladin,
Karla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane,
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave,
Kyle Claset as Bizard the Wizard,
with special guests from Looters.
It's a sci-fi western TTRPG actual play podcast
using the Stars Without Numbers gaming system.
That's Ian Overton as Bubblegar,
who has been in the game for more than a year now.
The Stars Without Numbers gaming system.
That's Ian Overton as Bubblegar,
and Matthew Eberle as Cho-gar,
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue editing by Karla Maxted
and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music
from Epidemic Sound and Slipstream,
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character designs
are by Matt Garbutt,
and a huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak,
Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Christian Brown,
Angaron Kierzen, Perry Matey, Craig Zeiss,
Old School Gamer D, L.A. Branton,
Nathaniel Teeter, and Aaron.
If you enjoy the adventure that you're listening to,
we have more over on Patreon,
patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
where you can listen to,
I think it's five seasons now of The Adventures Of.
That's a game that Tom runs,
and we have a lot of fun playing it.
We're gonna be starting a new season very soon,
and it's going to include Kyle,
who wasn't in it previously.
It's very exciting.
And also we have a cyberpunk red campaign
that we'll be releasing episodes monthly on Patreon,
before we figure out what we're gonna do
with it somewhere else.
So everybody's very excited about it.
We're excited about it,
and we want you to join us.
Seven day free trial when you sign up today,
and well, we hope to see you over there.
Okay, that's it for me.
You have a great week.
I'll talk to you soon.
Bye now.
The one that you're going up to
is probably the largest of the three.
There's a forested area to it.
I like to think of the Vancouver Island,
little pieces of the smaller islands.
I can't think of the name of a specific one
to give you a firm example of what I'm thinking.
Like, Gabriel?
Like Gabriel is huge, right?
Gabriel is huge.
Yeah, you know, yes.
Like a third of the size of Gabriel
is the size that you're going.
It's a very local reference.
Totally.
I totally know what you guys are talking about right now.
Everyone understands.
This isn't for you, you're not from around here.
You're not from around here are you?
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.