Sit there, just wait a second, Dumbgeons and Dragons will be back in just a moment.
Hey friends, it's me your Dungeon Master Russ More, I hope you're having a wonderful
day and are excited for this week's episode, starting with a little bit of a different
intro because we are playing a different game for today's session but it's still
all very connected to the story so you don't want to miss it and in fact you
want to listen to the end to perhaps find out where a certain character has
been for the last little while.
We are playing Goblin Punks by Grant Howitt.
It's a lovely little one-shot game that is helping us build out the world of
Vintersmouth and surrounding area.
So Goblin Punks, what is it?
You're a scrappy little goblin punk.
Your mom and dad want you to stay in the grotto and harvest
mushrooms, but to hell with that, it's time for an adventure.
In today's session, Amy and Carl and I walk through a game of Goblin Punks
and have just the best time laughing our asses off throughout the entire thing.
It's a D6 game, so you'll hear us referring to very similar things to if
you've heard Powered by the Apocalypse games.
When you roll a D6, a one to three is a failure, a four to five is a mix
success, and a six is you do the thing.
And there's also what's called shame and trouble.
When you fail, you can get shame and or trouble, which can send your character
out of the game if you reach a five in either shame or trouble.
There's also a mechanic called Goblin Slang.
So we came up with different things that goblins would say within this world.
And every time a character uses one of those Goblin Slang, they get a token,
which is essentially advantage on a roll.
We have a lot of fun.
Look down in the description.
There's a link to go get your own copy of Goblin Punks and
play it around your table.
One other thing to know is that the downtime this week will be the
set up for the game.
Usually these one shots, there's a bit of set up off the top.
And then you jump into the game because it's all improv.
It's all coming up with it on the spot.
So that will be in the downtime.
And you can get that at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Join us at any tier and you get those down times every week right
along with your episode.
OK, let's get to it.
Goblin Punks, baby.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're normally a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast.
But today we're playing Goblin Punks.
I'm your game master, Russ More.
He him.
Also with me today is Amy More.
She her as racer.
He him.
It's boring at this point, but I mean, we can't let them
win Battle of the Bands again.
So.
And Carla Maxton is chains.
She her.
You thought it was one of those candy ones, hey?
Like one of those ones you can.
Join us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
where you can hear the whole set up to this Goblin Punks
game, which was a lot of fun.
And we highly suggest you get it.
Don't forget to check down in the description where you
too can be playing Goblin Punks.
You just have to go support Grant Howitt.
And we all love to support Grant Howitt, right?
Now, fuck it.
Let's play.
It's a beautiful sunny day in the town of Vintersmouth.
And we see the bakers and the candlestick makers
and all of the artisans down the main thoroughfare.
Just having the most wonderful time.
And then the camera pans up and out and over the city
and follows us down deep through the verboten forest,
winding through all the trees,
through deep canals and dry river beds
to a cavern that opens up somewhere untraveled
by the locals in Vintersmouth.
And we hear the sound of hammering
and stones hitting each other and a low rumble of voices.
And as we go deeper into this cave
that burrows deep within the earth itself,
we come upon the goblin village of Slankston,
deep within the verboten forest.
Very similar to Vintersmouth, the goblins
are moving about, passing about the toads and mushrooms
that they grow under the earth,
flipping through and really just tossing to the ground
various pieces of paper that they've picked up
along their travels.
We make it behind the local convenience store.
Yeah, there we go.
Out by the dumpster, we find chains and racer.
Not spelled the way you think it is.
You both have been given the task of picking mushrooms,
harvesting mushrooms by your mom and dad.
The last thing you both remember as you left your home
and slammed the door behind you in a huff
was your respective mother and or father screaming,
and don't come home until you've harvested
every single last mushroom.
Ah!
They both grumble like that too.
Ah!
Well, so like, I am definitely not
going to pick mushrooms today.
I mean, right?
We're not.
Jace always picks them anyway.
Let's just steal them out of his bucket.
Yes, I was thinking the exact same thing.
Plus, I got this from my older brother.
What you got there?
Glug, glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug?
I made a little, you know, little mix, found some bottles,
poured them all into another bottle.
So also I took this, which could be like,
this is goblin weed.
Obviously, look at it.
I mean, we know what goblin weed looks like.
So this is it.
Very distinct smell.
Exactly, that I totally know about
from all of my weed that I do.
Yeah, man.
So no mushroom picking.
No.
There's nobody here, which is crazy.
This is usually where everybody is,
outside this convenience store drinking, for some reason.
Well, I mean, last time we were here,
there was that guy who bought me a Popsie.
So that was kind of nice, but.
It was great.
I mean, they do have that thing.
Like, can you hear that?
That like, it's playing.
Just trying like, I think they think we hate it.
But like, I don't even, it doesn't even bother me.
I didn't even notice.
It's that weird, high-pitched.
You know what, though?
My ears are superior to other ears.
I'm pretty sure.
Right.
Wouldn't that mean you could hear it, then?
Well, yeah, but I mean, like, I can block things out.
Like, better than other people can, so.
I can't block that out.
Hey.
You turn, and you look, and you see your friend?
Do teens really have friends?
Yeah, you see your fellow teen, Dean,
walk around the corner?
Dean the teen?
They are sobbing.
Dean looks more so unkempt,
like he's been dragged through the mud,
or pushed down a lot,
and he comes around the corner, just sobbing,
just holding in his hand a single goblin cigarette,
which is unlit.
Oh.
Oh, man, do you need a light, man?
You okay?
No, I just hold it,
because it looks cool.
It does look cool.
It's for the look, you just bite it,
you don't light it.
Yeah, I'm just really glad to see you both.
Why are you crying, man?
Get us together.
Yeah, what's up?
It's so not cool.
The cope, the cope,
the cope, the cobalt's been,
they're just causing trouble.
Oh.
Jackasses again.
I fricking hate those guys.
I was just out harvesting,
I mean, not harvesting mushrooms,
like my mom and dad said,
I was doing bad teenager things,
like all the cool teenagers do,
and then they came up,
and they were like, give us your mushrooms,
and I said, I don't,
because I wasn't picking them, clearly,
but then they took them,
the ones that I didn't have,
and pushed me to the ground,
and rubbed my face in it,
and said, well, if you want them back,
come to the Haunted Mansion,
you know the mansion,
the one built by Sir Alfred Hauntington.
That place, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been there like a ton of times,
it's like not even scary, right?
A million times, it's boring now,
but like. No problem.
Also like, fuck those cobalts, am I right?
Yeah.
Yeah, like Hiv and Nod and Deck and Tusk,
they were all there,
and they not only took the mushrooms,
but they took my prized horn.
How's your band gonna play
if you don't have your horn?
Oh my goodness, slap of the horn.
It's Battle of the Bands next week, man,
you gotta get that back.
I know. You gotta get that back,
because everyone's counting on you to win,
because what if the cobalt band wins?
God, they can't win, man,
you can't let that happen. The cobalt band
wins every year.
Well, it's because they beat everybody else up.
Hey. Huh?
What if we beat them up
and took their instruments?
Then, vengeance.
Vengeance? Also,
we don't have to listen to their shitty pop music.
They're gonna play at the Battle of the Bands and win.
Hell yeah, that's fucking schlank, man.
Let's do that.
God.
I was bored, anyway.
So you're gonna come
and you're gonna help me beat them up,
and then?
Yeah, I mean, are you gonna help?
Yeah, yeah, fuck.
You can't throw a punch worth anything, man.
Well, not when there's a lot of them,
but maybe when it's a little more equal.
How many more of them?
Well, just the four I mentioned.
All right.
Okay.
Three on four, three against four.
We can take on four, three on four.
I once hit Jemmold so hard, all his teeth fell out.
He wasn't at school for like two weeks.
It was embarrassing for him.
That's Frank's balls, man.
You knocked Jemmold's teeth out, wow.
Oh yeah, one punch, one punch.
One punch? He was down.
Wow.
Well, I mean, Dek and Tusk, you know them.
They're really small kobolds.
Maybe I could punch them both at the same time.
You stack them up for me.
Punch them at the same time.
I hit one in the face.
Bam, bam.
The back of their head hits the other one
in the face behind him.
They both fall down.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, and I could stand behind one of them.
Maybe the one after, the one that gets hit
with the head, and then I trip him.
Yeah, remember when we used to go sit
behind somebody, like crouch down,
and one of us would shove the other one over?
I like that.
Let's do that too.
Yeah, let's get that in there.
They're gonna be so embarrassed.
They're not gonna be able to show their faces.
And like,
Japt and Caxparo is the best at creating a distraction.
No, he is. You know you are.
Oh, so we need that.
That was a new one, man.
This bird's making all the noises
like I hadn't even heard before.
That's Frank's balls, man.
Okay, well, let's go get him.
I've got my lantern.
See, it's a fancy lantern.
Oh, that'll help us see in the Haunting Mansion.
And I've got one goblin cigarette
so we can make them think that we belong there.
Man, we do belong there.
Well, I mean, I've got this, one glug glug,
and this bag of goblin weed.
I've got this, and I whip out a pocket.
This feels like the really serious situation
like in a teen movie where others are just ready
to go fight and then one guy takes it too far.
That's me.
Wow, wow, okay, racer.
Yeah. Well.
I mean, I got this rope.
We could probably do something with that too.
Okay, we got it.
I like this, we're spitting it out.
I love it.
We've got a plan.
We've got a team.
I've got friends.
And maybe, maybe we'll get my horn back.
We have to.
It sounds good, but man.
Out of all the bands.
Don't say things like I've got friends.
That's so lame.
I didn't say that part out loud, did I?
Yep.
Yeah, everybody heard it.
Oh, that was supposed to be my inside full.
Shame.
Hm.
Okay, we cut to the haunted mansion built by
Sir Alfred Haunted.
There is a commemorative plaque out front
of the haunted mansion.
Of course, this picture of this mansion
that we see before us.
It is also underground, but set far away.
Because Sir Alfred Haunted was a goblin.
Was a goblin, yes.
So it's underground like the rest of our.
Yeah.
Yeah, makes total sense.
So it's set farther away from Slankston
in the mossy grove on the outskirts.
That also grows putrid mushroom caps.
Not the ones you're supposed to be harvesting.
The putrid ones.
Okay, so they're probably in there.
You said you've been in there before, right?
Yeah, like a million times.
Like so many times.
So it's not even scary.
It's like, whatever.
It's boring at this point.
It's fine.
Yeah, it's boring.
I mean, we can't let them win Battle of the Bands
again, so.
Yeah.
So.
Right.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Okay, yep.
We're all moving forward.
Here we go.
One more time.
Yep.
I'm the only one taking steps.
Yeah, you're doing it great.
You know, you've been in there a whole bunch, so.
Yeah, it's really good.
Yeah, perfect, okay.
It's like the first time you step inside
is pretty incredible.
So we kind of want you to like get the chance
to experience that without us
like barreling in all casually, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Good point, Chains.
Good point.
Yeah, no, that's, yeah, it's untainted
without the description of what's gonna happen
on the other side.
Okay, I've got it.
I've got it, everybody.
This is small timid footsteps.
Moving up the wooden staircase
and he gets to the top
and like one of the boards crunches beneath Dean
and he kind of takes a couple steps back
and then looks back at you.
I said, I said.
That wasn't like the cool thing.
That was just like some old wood.
But you jumped like 100 feet from here, man.
Okay, yeah, no, I was just,
I was just showing you how to be safe
on a broken plank of wood.
Did you pee a little bit, is that?
That's just, that's just,
I slipped in the mossy grove.
It's just the putrid mushrooms,
I thought maybe.
At least they're spores as we walked by.
Yeah, he waves his cigarette at you
and takes a few more steps up to the door
and reaches his hand up as if going to knock.
Okay, but, dude.
What?
Well, we're going to go in to beat up the cobalt.
Right.
You're gonna announce your arrival.
Hey, we're here to beat you up.
Okay.
And you knock like they're gonna be like,
we're not home.
Right, okay.
Yeah, so.
Yeah, no, so just open the doors quietly.
Yeah.
He reaches for the handle
and gives it a soft push and it.
Ooh.
Step in.
Takes a step inside.
Oh.
Hello?
Oh my God.
No.
Did we just say not to announce ourselves?
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, okay.
Whatever, the whole house is heard us at this point.
Come on.
Well, I don't hear anybody other than myself.
I mean.
You're speaking really loudly.
Not gonna worry about,
we're just here to drink our booze.
Smoke our weed.
Definitely goblin weed that I have.
That is definitely goblin weed.
So that's all we're doing here.
Dean takes a few more steps inside.
I assume at this point you're following.
Oh yes, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gotta usher him in and pull him inside
and inside you see it's a grand goblin mansion,
which to me means it's like eight foot ceilings,
which are very tall for a goblin.
Yeah, vaulted ceilings.
And they have worn and water damaged
like paintings and wallpaper all over.
And by wallpaper I mean it's newspaper
that has just been paper mached to the wall.
You take a few steps inside
and the door stays open behind you.
As doors do.
Yeah, I mean it's good they built this house
like Mr. Haunted, sorry, built this house really good.
There's not even like, it's all square.
The door doesn't just swing shut by itself.
Unusual for goblin construction.
I mean it's hard to build
like something so majestic underground like this.
So it's good workmanship.
Earth shifting.
Yeah.
You take a few more steps in
and there's a living room area
that has old furniture that has fabrics draped
over top of it and a rustic fireplace
set inside this living room.
You stop and listen for a moment
and you hear from somewhere back at the,
in the back of the house,
you hear some clanging noise.
Clang, clang, it's the middle.
Hey friends, this is The Middle and it's me
hanging out with you here, having a great time.
Thank you so much for being here.
Big shout out to Grant Howitt for creating Goblin Ponks.
That's the game we're playing and it's a lot of fun.
It's always fun just to throw in a short one shot
of some sort that's different from what you're usually
playing with your friends around the table.
If you don't do it a lot, I highly recommend it.
I highly recommend it.
It breaks you out of any routine that you've got going on,
gives you some time to just be fun and be goofy
and try some different game mechanics
and try and focus on some different characters and growth.
And we did that for this one.
We actually recorded this one quite some time ago
and I wasn't sure if we were gonna release it.
It was supposed to be some between season content
gearing up for the new season.
Hung onto it thinking, well, now's not the right time.
And then this little split of the party happened
and feels like once you listen to the end of the episode
it's gonna make a little more sense
but felt really good to fit here.
So I don't know if I've said it already
but go support Grant Howitt.
There's a link down in the description.
You can go pick up Goblin Ponks
and see all their other one shots
that they have going on over there.
Amazing.
What do I got next?
Next week and the week after we have a very special guest.
Joe Fisher, creator, writer, actor,
extraordinaire from Midnight Burger will be joining us.
We're all very excited.
Joe's a good friend of the show and my own
and graciously said that they would come play with us
even though they haven't played D&D since he was 14.
So I said, you're gonna fit right in.
Don't worry about it.
So that will be coming up next week.
And while you wait for that,
we wanna let you know about a show
who are re-releasing their first season.
It's The Wizard Scroll,
a sword and sorcery sci-fi narrative
that you I think are really gonna love.
It's very different from a lot of things.
It's a scripted fiction podcast.
The creator Chris, he's taken a look at his first season
and wanted to reimagine it as a dedication to his craft.
It's a serialized series of short stories
set in a fantastical realm of Jurgsland.
Tales of legendary sword wielding warriors
set adrift through time and space.
A wannabe spell caster trying to learn the art
of the arcane and even a couple of orcs
who don't play by nobody's rules.
I've listened to several episodes of The Wizard Scroll
and think you're really gonna enjoy it.
It's got great sound and music and acting
and I think there's something
that everybody will find to enjoy.
The Wizard Scroll is available on Apple, Spotify,
anywhere you listen to, find podcasts
and new episode of the season one redone.
Great place to start.
Are being released every Saturday morning.
So you don't have to wait long
to hear that next installment.
Go check it out.
It's The Wizard Scroll.
Now let's get you back to goblin punks.
Okay, talk to you soon.
Bye.
Aren't you guys, we should probably think of a plan.
Yeah.
I just want to go in guns a blazing,
but like I want to make sure everyone gets a taste.
Yeah, they'll be super intimidated by us,
but like, yeah, maybe just like sneak a little closer
to just like kind of suss out the situation,
like what kind of like weapons they have,
where the instruments are that we definitely
want to destroy, the one instrument
we don't want to destroy and like retrieve.
Just like observe, you know,
just like live in that moment for a minute
and see what they're doing.
Super deep, man.
Wow. That's real deep, Chance.
Yeah, thanks.
So should we go to where the noises are coming from?
Duh. Okay.
Yeah, unless, wait, you didn't say,
were they silent kobolds that beat you up?
Oh no, they were quite rambunctious and verbose.
Okay.
That's a word I've heard.
Anything specific that they said
that you'd like to share?
They said-
Anything verbose they said?
They said, hey, Dean, eat shit.
Yeah, it sounds like them.
And then they said, hey, Dean,
we're taking your mushrooms and we're gonna eat them all.
Yeah.
And then they pushed me down.
Kobolds are stupid, I guess.
Kobolds are stupid, stupid.
I don't even know why I was so scared of them
when they came upon me, all four of them,
just out of the blue.
Too bad I was working by myself.
There were supposed to be two other goblins
picking mushrooms this morning.
Yeah, I heard there were toads around,
so I was looking for those instead.
Oh, it was supposed to be you?
No.
Oh, okay.
Unrelated. Unrelated, of course.
Yeah, no, you two were off today, it's okay.
Begin walking towards the back
and there is a stairwell that goes up one floor
and then a door that's cracked open
and then there's a soft light that's emanating out.
And for anyone who's actually been there,
you would know that this is the stairwell to the basement.
I think that the noise is coming from downstairs.
Yeah, Razor, can you use those extra awesome ears
you have to locate it because you've got those good ears?
I mean, I totally can,
but Japtun can probably just fly down there
to see what's up.
Obviously, Japtun.
All right, do it.
Go for Japtun.
Japtun flies down the stairs and disappears from sight.
He'll just be like a second.
Yeah, you guys want some of this?
Yeah, sure.
A little liquid courage.
Anybody want to hold my cigarette?
Yeah, hold on, let me have both.
Let me have both.
Oh. Right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was good.
You look really good.
Yeah, it's real strong.
That's how I like it.
You're not supposed to eat the cigarette.
You thought it was one of those candy ones, hey?
Like one of those ones you can...
Yeah, yeah.
No, it's a lot more real than I thought it was.
That's a real one.
Here, you can have back what's left of it.
Oh, thanks.
I'm just gonna wash it down with...
I'm just gonna try and just patch it back up here.
Guys, I'm so disappointed.
I just realized I have this big bag of goblin weed,
but I don't have any, you know...
The rolly things.
We don't have any rolly things,
so we can't even smoke it.
As research has proved...
I hear you can eat it, though.
I hear you can.
Yeah, you could.
Here's your seat.
You want some?
Well, no chains.
I mean, it's yours.
I would feel real bad taking the first bite, so...
I mean, I just had a really big meal, so...
Well, we can do it later.
It could be a celebratory thing.
We'll just do it later.
Yeah, we'll just do it later after we...
You hear a creaking noise from up above you,
and you look up, and there's a chandelier
that is swaying above you,
and you hear the sound of rope tearing.
And it begins to fall towards you.
Fuck, I jump out of the way.
Yeah, gonna jump out of the way.
You're gonna try to jump out of the way.
Everybody roll a D6.
I wanna swing, fuck, from the chandelier.
I rolled a net one.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Damn it.
I rolled a four.
The second one today.
Okay, so four.
So as the chandelier's falling, Dean got a six,
because of course he did.
Of course he did.
So Dean launches himself out of the way.
Chains, you get out of the way.
Wait, wait, I have a token for using cool slang.
Oh, then you could roll a secondary die
and spend your token.
What was it?
Is that on my site?
A three, that's no better.
I still don't do the thing.
Yeah, you spent a token,
and you still also don't do the thing.
Okay, so chains, you jump out of the way.
You make it just in the nick of time,
but you do so, and I feel like this is like
a you're embarrassed in front of the others
because you were probably one of the first
to move out of the way,
and you've been playing it real cool.
So I'm gonna give you plus one shame for that.
Yep.
And as Dean and Chains turn around and look,
Racer is underneath this chandelier
that has fallen down on top of you, wood splintered.
You've got bits of wood sticking out of your legs
as you are trying to push it off of you.
I'm gonna say that's gonna be an unwanted attention
that's gonna happen there,
and a plus one trouble for you.
Plus one trouble?
Yeah.
And how much shame am I doing?
Well, you only get one or the other.
You can take another shame if you want to,
but that means you get to go home earlier.
No, I'm good.
Guys, I thought that was gonna be a lot lighter.
I was gonna catch it midair.
Are you okay?
No, I'm fine.
Are you okay?
No, I'm good.
You need to go home?
No, I don't need to go home.
You know what, it's gonna be-
Just saying, it's like,
ah, chandelier fell on me, I need to go home.
Like, you know, some people need to go home
when a chandelier falls off, and that's fine.
You know what, this is actually a really good thing
because what's scarier than being beat up
by someone covered in their own blood?
I look badass right now, don't I?
You hear from downstairs,
hey, what was that?
Let's go check it out.
And then quick footsteps,
tk tk tk tk tk tk tk, coming up the stairs.
Let's get this chandelier off of you, they're coming.
Okay, get ready, grab your knife.
Jap didn't cack, comes back like,
I think like four seconds before the kobolds do,
and I was, dude, that was fucking useless.
They're coming.
Thanks.
The door bursts open and there are four kobolds
who you recognize as Hiv, Nod, Deck, and Tuss.
And they are all decked out
in their Battle of the Bands garb,
which is the slickest of leathers
with studs all over it,
and chains hanging from the pockets
and wallets that they have.
And one of them has a sweet ax strapped to his back.
An actual ax, not a guitar, obviously.
And they say, what are you doing here?
We pushed you down and we took your mushrooms.
We've been having a great time.
Just getting ready.
Just getting ready for Battle of the Bands.
Yeah, your horn is gonna sound real good
after you see what was stuffed inside it.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ah, shit, it's shit we stuffed inside of his horn.
Chains, take a look at that.
Aren't pocket wallet chains, like, out?
So embarrassing.
What do you need to hold on to, your babysitting money?
You borrowed that from your dad?
What is that?
Yeah, I know, it's totally badass, right, Nod?
Oh yeah, yeah, it's totally badass.
They don't know what they're talking about.
Goblins are 10 years behind the times.
I'd say it's as totally badass
as your little acapella singing group
that you do at Battle of the Bands,
which doesn't even make sense.
Yeah, it's weird, you guys don't even have instruments.
You just, like, barbershop quartet your way to victory?
And yet we win every time, am I right?
And they all high-five each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we win every time.
So our parents pay off the judges, it's fine.
We win every time.
Oh, they called it, called it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you can be on your way.
We're gonna get back to practice-ling.
Do, do, me, me, re, fa, sol, la, ti, bo.
Oh, fuck, this guy's winning
and he's saying things like practice-ling.
Practice-ling.
I wanna take out my animal skull,
which is a cat skull.
Okay.
And, I mean, we're at the top of the stairs, yes.
They've come up the stairs.
They've come up the stairs,
they're in the doorway or at the landing.
I wanna chuck it at Dex head.
Great, do you wanna roll?
Yeah, not really, I don't.
This dice is going away, I'm gonna try something new.
All right, huh, that's a fucking three again.
So you don't do nothing.
That's Frank's balls, man.
So you whip this cat skull
and it shatters on the wall behind him.
Next, that's gonna be you.
What'd you do that for?
It's gonna be me?
My skull shattered on the back of the wall?
Yeah, or at the bottom of these stairs,
if you're not careful.
Let's fucking rumble then.
Bring it on, little bitch.
Jumps at you.
Let's fucking rumble.
You're gonna take a plus one shame.
Yeah, yeah, no, I figured.
Okay, Dex jumps at you.
Well, wait a minute, do I have to take plus one shame?
It says plus one shame, plus one trouble,
or I lose or break some equipment.
Oh yeah, I guess you broke the cat's head.
I did break your cat, I did break your cat, yeah.
So that checks out.
So Tuss has the axe,
Hiv has the wallet chain.
Nod and Dex are there.
But Dex is jumping at you, he reaches out,
grabs you by the scruff, and he begins shaking you.
What do you do?
Is he shaking me?
Who's he shaking?
He's shaking you,
because you threw a cat skull at his head.
Hey, stop it, and I punch him.
I'm not really great with words.
Roll to attack.
Well, that was a one.
Okay, you swing, and you punch your friend, Racer.
It's like a sidestep,
and then Racer gets clocked in the side of the head.
Yeah, yeah.
Chain the fuck, man.
Help me out, yeah.
Here, I'll hold him.
You punch him.
Shit.
No, shit.
Fucking slank, man, that was straight up rude.
So that's gonna be a plus one shame for you, I guess.
Yeah, yeah, I think it is.
Dean, do something cool.
Yeah, holds up his lantern,
and shines the shiny part at it,
and tries to blind them.
I need a better dice than this, it's not great.
You rolled a six on that one.
I think you're fine.
Okay.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
That's a one.
So he.
Oh, we wanted Dean to do good, damn it, Russ.
Amy peer pressured me into rolling it,
and we're playing teens.
He holds up his lantern, and then goes to open it,
but opens it the wrong way, and blinds himself,
and he stumbles backwards.
He's gonna take a shame.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's right, we got you now.
Bring him to the basement, boys.
We'll beat them all up down there.
Everybody's trying to move to grab you.
I'll give you everybody an action
before you get dragged down to the basement.
Okay, Racer's gonna pull out his knife.
He's not gonna stab anybody,
but that pocket knife is coming out.
Okay.
And I want to intimidate them, be like,
don't make me use this, man.
I'll use it.
It won't be the first time
there's been blood on this thing.
Roll to intimidate.
That's fucking one.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You guys.
Oh, that pocket knife, and Tuss holds out the axe.
I looked down, I'm accidentally
taking the corkscrew out instead.
Yeah, you're gonna get all twisty up in here.
Everybody down in the basement.
If Dean's on the ground,
then I'm gonna try and push one of them over Dean,
per our earlier bless.
Okay, roll with advantage.
I think somebody said, shlink.
Whoever said, shlink gets a token.
I did say, shlink, but now we've already put
the corkscrew, so it's all good.
Is it a one, Karla?
Guys, I rolled two dice, and I rolled a one and a two.
Nailed it.
Okay, great.
You know what, this was us in teen years.
That's awesome.
What is even happening here?
You tell me how that goes wrong.
Well, I think I try and push him,
but he probably moves, I was trying to push the one
that pulled out his axe and was moving,
and then I kind of go and I trip over Dean
and start to kind of go down the stairs like,
ah, that's pretty cool.
All of them are just bent over, howling with laughter
at everything that's playing out in front of them.
This is not going great.
They usher Dean and Racer down through the stairs
and Chains, you're kind of picking yourself up
at the bottom of the stairs.
Don't worry, guys, I didn't break this.
I pulled out my booze bottle.
Everything's fine.
Oh, great.
Hiv walks by you and tries to snatch it.
That's a six for Hiv.
I'll give you a couple, if you roll a six,
you get to keep it.
You guys get to fight over it fairly.
No, that was a four.
You lose your bottle of liquor.
I give him a good fight.
And you also take one shot.
He takes a big swig, yeah, you hear the door slam shut
at the top of the stairs.
And you notice that all four of them
are already downstairs.
And did Japtain Cat Sparrow come,
he's down here with us too.
He just followed along to probably laugh at us as well.
Doing a great job.
Frank's balls.
The three of you are like thrown down to the ground
and you look around and there are,
there's not a lot of things.
There's a couple of boxes down here.
There are more bottles that are empty and tipped over.
Some look like they've been spilled.
And as they're all like cracking their knuckles
and moving towards you to give you
just the biggest of beatings,
as much as a kobold can do to a goblin,
you hear like this eerie sound of wind cut through.
All three of you who are facing the oncoming kobolds
get like a chill down your spine
as you see like this eerie light begin to emanate
in the middle of the room before you.
What the heck is that?
I mean, hell, what the hell is that?
Yeah, what even is that?
Oh, you're gonna try and trick us.
What's that behind you?
It's probably something big and scary.
All right, beat them up, boys.
Actually, you can roll to see if that works.
Both of you can roll.
I mean, I was being honest.
I got a five.
I still only rolled a three,
so I wasn't convincing even though I was telling the truth.
You weren't convincing enough to make Deck turn and look.
And as Hiv and the others continue to move towards you,
Deck turns around and he starts patting
on the shoulder of everybody else.
And it's, oh, what, what, what, what, what?
And all of them turn.
There's like this flash of light around it
and it looks like the figure of a stout goblin
with a fat stogie in his mouth.
And all of them just kind of drop the things,
the chains and the ax that they're holding
and try to make for the stairs.
I wanna try to trip them on their way.
Okay, go for it.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was a five. That was a two.
Wait, I have my token.
You got a token.
Yeah, it's a three.
So you reach out and trip
and one of them just kind of steps on your ankle.
Oh, fuck, Jesus.
But you managed to trip.
Who are you trying to trip?
I don't know, one of the ones that was there.
The one with the ax. Realistically.
Oh yeah, that's what I meant.
The one with the ax, not the weak lame one.
The tough one, that's the one.
So you're gonna trip Tuss.
Tuss had the ax.
You trip Tuss and he goes down
and his friends bolt up the stairs
and this ghostly figure comes down
and picks the kobold up in front of you
and begins shaking him.
Tuss is just screaming
and you see Tuss begin to release spores,
I think is what Dean said.
He begins to pee his pants in front of you.
Oh, jeez.
I mean, it's a ghost and stuff, but.
You saw that, put me down, let me go.
No amount of leather can cover that up, man.
No.
The ghost lets out this ghastly scream
and rushes through the body of this kobold
who collapses to the ground
and he's passed out.
It doesn't look like he's hurt or anything,
but it looks like he just fainted.
Holy crap, that was wild, oh my gosh.
Yeah, I mean, fear faint,
I've seen that a hundred times though.
He's just scared, it's fine.
I mean, this guy's like a goblin too,
so he's cool, right?
Yeah, are you like Mr. Haunted?
Right?
The ghost doesn't say anything,
but begins to, he moves his face
and he's got this gnarled up face,
big crooked nose, what looks like a burning cigar
and he goes like face to face with you
and then goes back to the center of the room
and just disperses.
And then what light was in the room
begins to come back around you.
That was fucking wild, man.
I mean, he was like, he's on our side though, right?
So like, I feel like we won the fight
because like one of them is down.
Listen.
And none of us are down.
Three of us are here, two ran away like babies.
I say we tie up their friend, drag them upstairs.
You got that rope?
Yeah, yeah, I got some rope.
Let's take them upstairs.
I'm just gonna go get my horn from the corner here.
You don't wanna wash that, oh.
Yeah, I mean, you're gonna need like a bag or something
like you're gonna need that.
I can smell from here.
I'll put it in this box and he takes a box
and scoops it up inside and carries the box out
as you're dragging Tuss back up the stairs.
We cut back to the alleyway behind the convenience store
where Dean is pouring some muddy liquid through the horn.
It'll be fine, right?
It'll be fine, you're gonna totally like,
you're gonna win because you're amazing on that horn
and like no one, yeah, no one's even gonna know
about that whole thing.
Definitely probably not gonna get like some sort
of communicable disease from blowing into that thing.
Just make sure.
I'm sure it's fine.
Okay, good, good.
Well, they're down a person too,
cause I don't know, Tuss, Tuss slaps Tuss
who you brought with you.
He's still passed out.
So if we can just hide Tuss till after the battle
of the bands, I think we'll be okay.
Let's put him in this dumpster.
Yeah, let's put him in this dumpster.
This is the final scene of the three of you
trying to push Tuss up and into the dumpster.
You want me to roll for that?
Yeah, everybody roll for that.
Oh, I was a six.
That's you.
Nothing but net.
You slip on the brown liquid and take one more shame
as Chains and Dean push Tuss up and into the dumpster
with a loud.
And as we move up and over the town of Slankston,
we hear the sound of pebbles being moved away
and rolling down some hills.
We see the ears of some of the goblins
perking up around the perimeter.
We see a tiny hole forming and a couple little hands
poking through, pulling some dirt back inside
whatever tunnel lies beyond the other side.
And poking through, we see the two eyes of Alydin
who appears to have stumbled upon the goblin village.
Alydin, what do you see?
Goblins, lots and lots of goblins.
Dumbgeons and Dragons season three, episode 14.
This episode starred Amy More as Racer and Alydin.
Carla Maxted as Chains and Russ More as your Game Master.
Dialogue editing and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character designs
are by Matt Garbutt.
The game we played today was Goblin Punks by Grant Howitt.
Look in the description, there's a link.
You can go buy it for yourself.
And a huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak, Cat Waterflame,
Jacob Madden, Christian Brown,
Ongar Onkirson, Perry Matey,
Craig Zeiss, Old School Gamer D,
L.A. Branton, Nathaniel Teeter and Aaron.
If you'd like to hear the setup for this game
where we figure out the characters
and what kind of sweet teen gear
that everybody has on and is carrying on them,
all that paraphernalia,
well, we have it over on Patreon,
patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
This week it's in our downtime,
which is normally a little breakdown after the episode,
but this one's the setup.
We're doing it backwards.
We do whatever we want over there
and we want you to join us.
Again, patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
We hope to see you over there.
You have a great week though.
This is the end of the episode.
I'm just filling time
until this big music crescendo comes.
We'll talk to you soon.
Bye-bye.
Two teens are seated in their respective home,
just waking up for the morning.
Yes, they're seated and they're just waking up.
Two teens-
Are we in the same home?
Do you, I guess that's a question.
Are we siblings?
You said they're respective homes,
which means two different homes.
Hold on, are you siblings or are you not siblings?
Fuck no.
I don't think we're siblings.
You're not gonna hang with your siblings.
I don't wanna hang out with my,
that would be so schlank to hang out with my sibling.
Hell yeah, that's fucking schlank, man.
Let's do that.
God.
I was bored anyway.
Well, you get a token.
That's fun.
Japt and Cack Sparrow might be the best thing
I've ever come up with.
It's very good.
And I feel like I've peaked.
We've only just started.
I know. It's fine.
Is that how you get shame?
How do you get shame?
It was implied shame.
Shame you can get if you roll a four to five.
When you roll it, it doesn't work.
You can't, I can't just shame you.
Shame.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.