Dumbgeons and Dragons will begin in just a moment.
Really, it won't take long.
Alydin, you are in this basement of the stable that you call home.
You had heard voices and there was the call, ca-ca-ca-ca, that told you that somebody
was coming.
All of the other kids at the stable had scattered and you are inside this crate, have pulled
the lid back on.
As you hear the door to this storage room lift and heavy footsteps coming down the
stairs, you don't really have great visibility.
You can see vaguely through the cracks, but not enough to really get an image and
it's also quite dark down there, so most things are shadowy.
You see one looks like heavily armored male figure, and I say heavily armored because
you can hear the sound of it as they are entering and moving into the center of the
room.
You hear up above the sound of a bit of an altercation, a scuffle.
You don't hear calls or cries from any of the kids, but there is gruff voices going
back and forth.
This person who's come down these stairs stops in the center of the room and seems
to be just slowly scanning the room, presumably trying to pick up on any sound
or movement.
What do you do?
Since we're half elves, we have some dark vision, right?
So Tally and I are in the same box because we are, we are we.
She's smaller, we crouched in there, and I look at her and I put my finger to my
lips and I mouth like, don't talk.
And then she reaches over and she pinches her own lip shut like duck style.
The silence is deafening, and there's a few scuffling footsteps that you can
hear from outside the box.
And then a voice comes from this person, and it's a voice that you recognize.
And it actually comes back to you in a flood and a quick relief moment as it's
the sound of Sergeant Dace.
Alydin, are you in here?
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
A D&D fifth edition actual play podcast.
I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, he, him, and Dumbgeons and Dragons stars Amy
Moore as Alydin, she, her.
This side, this side, push, three, two, one.
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave, he, him.
Uh, okay, what, when did the, what, why?
And Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane, she, her.
I think they might actually just be like groaning with gold over there.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production that's supported by our
patrons.
Visit us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And now it's adventure time, baby.
Fuck it.
Let's play.
I double look over at Tally and I shake my head.
I'm like, no, quiet.
Tally's like bright-eyed, caught in surprise because you guys thought that it
was Kinney's men, the ones who were there the day previous.
And Tally's like shaking her head and shrugging, like trying to, and you,
you make an insight roll to see what Tally's trying to tell you because
we're not going to talk.
No, we're not going to talk because I said, shut it.
I'm just going to grab.
This is random ass dice bag.
Perfect.
First dice you pull.
That's what you got to roll.
That's right.
First dice.
Love it.
Best dice.
Oh, it was a three.
Man, I was rolling like 14s last time.
What's happened?
This is episode four.
We're into it now.
Yeah, I can only pretend I'm good at this game for so long.
I rolled a three, so I'm like shrugging, like, what?
I'm mouthing like, what?
She removes her fingers just long enough to say, are you sure?
I reach for it and I pinch them again.
And then I gesture one, and I hold my fingers up, two.
And then I did three strikes.
And then I put my thumb behind me and go, you're out.
Meaning I'm on my third strike.
I'm out.
And I think Tally would get it because we've been together
for a couple of years now.
Tally nods in agreement.
And there is some shuffling that
happens in this interaction, but not enough
that it breaks through what noise is happening upstairs.
There's one more call from Sergeant Daze.
Alydin?
Size.
You hear the footsteps move back and up the stairs.
And the door closes, the loud clunk.
I look over to relieve Tally as she starts to shift
and be like, whew.
And I pinch her lips harder.
And I mouth, wait.
And I want to sit and wait to see if it's a trick.
Because Alydin trusts no one, and that
would be some bullshit she would pull.
Like, OK, I guess they're not there.
Thunk, thunk, thunk.
Boom.
And then just wait for them to come out.
She was born yesterday, OK?
So she waits.
Alydin and Tally sitting in this crate
waiting beyond the door.
You hear the sound of whatever commotion
is happening up there.
Do I hear Daze's voice?
Yes, you do.
You hear Daze's voice beyond the door after it slams.
A call to whoever else is there.
The commotion begins to settle down.
It's still heated conversation back and forth
that you can hear, but it begins to move farther away.
I let go of Tally's lips finally.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Well, isn't Sergeant Daze like kind of on our side?
I'm on strike three.
Two?
Three?
I'm on strike two, and then my third strike, I'm out?
I can't remember.
I can't keep track, but I do remember
he said that it was not weekly, because I asked.
But what could he want here?
We didn't do anything.
Well, it doesn't look like anyone actually
knows this place exists, so I actually don't know.
So do we stay in this box?
No, we can get out of the box,
but we're not going to leave the cellar.
OK.
Because there are lots of other boxes.
We haven't looked in them yet,
and there was nothing but hay in this one.
OK.
So I want to so carefully so that it doesn't like clicker
swing and whack into something.
So carefully.
Yeah, roll stealth.
Stealthy thing?
Yeah.
That dice was baloney garbage.
None of these are D20s.
OK.
Here we go.
Lime green.
Oh, it hit the wine glass.
It was a 13 plus three.
16.
Oh, baby.
All right.
There we go.
All right.
The two of you, silent enough,
move the crate lid off so you can both climb out.
The room is dark.
You are able to see around, see shadows and shapes.
Nobody else is in the room with you.
You hear the sound that you had heard
has moved beyond reasonable earshot.
Sounds like whoever was up there,
including Sergeant Dase, have moved off.
We skip ahead to the next day,
and it's early morning in Vintersmouth.
The better majority of the city has gathered
in the central square of the noble district.
Mayor Nigel Knapps is expected to give a speech
regarding the recent tax increases
and address some of the concerns
that the city has put forward.
Many of the business owners
and citizens are all gathered here.
In the crowd, we see Bonwyn
with several of the hot block denizens,
and notably missing is Kavlar.
As the time when the mayor was supposed to give
the speech comes and goes,
and everybody's waiting around and getting restless,
a group of about five people
followed by the mayor in a procession
come out of the mayoral office
and down the large staircase
and proceed up to a podium
at the base of this staircase.
Mayor Nigel Knapps is a portly elven man
with a large protruding chin and golden blonde hair
with not a strand out of place.
He has rosy cheeks and pristine white robes
with gold weaving all throughout them.
He makes some comments quietly
to some of his handlers and his entourage,
and then proceeds up to the podium
where the entire crowd goes silent.
He clears his throat.
Ahem, ahem, ahem.
Here ye noble denizens of Vintersmouth
ye who gather in the ancient heart of our fair township
as thy devoted mayor,
I stand before thee with a spirit both resolute
and earnest to address the delicate matter
of our recent fiscal decisions.
There's a low rumble throughout the crowd.
I sense the whispers and quizzical glances
among thee questioning the repeated call
for additional contributions to our coffers.
Allow me to assure thee,
dear citizens, that these tax increments
have not been levied without careful contemplation
and a steadfast commitment to our shared prosperity.
In these challenging times
akin to the mythical quests of old,
the demands placed upon our hearts
and the plans placed upon our humble realm
require a collective effort
to fortify the bulwarks of our defenses,
sustain the vibrancy of our market square,
and foster enlightenment within the walls
of our esteemed institutions.
Verily, the additional coinage is an investment
in the very essence of our beloved Vintersmouth.
Eww.
Thank you.
Thank you, fine citizens.
Yes, yes, yes.
Hold your comments till the end, please.
Behold the tangible improvements
that have graced our streets,
the smoother paths that now guide our way,
and the subtle enhancements to the infrastructure
that uphold our community's vitality.
These transformations, my esteemed compatriots,
are the fruits of your generous contributions.
Yes, while some may question the whereabouts of this gold,
let me quell thy concerns
by emphasizing the subtlety of these enhancements.
The benefits, like a well-brewed potion,
may not always reveal themselves overtly,
but work their magic beneath the surface
to fortify the foundation of our township.
These tax increases, though seemingly frequent,
are but a testament to our unwavering commitment
to the betterment of Vintersmouth.
Let us stand united in understanding
as we navigate these fiscal waters together.
The prosperity of our town
depends on the collective contributions,
and through these shared sacrifices
we carve a path to a brighter future.
May the tapestry of our endeavors
continue to weave a tale of growth and prosperity,
with each coin contributing
to the flourishing legacy of Vintersmouth.
As thy devoted mayor, I am confident that, in time,
the subtle alchemy of our investments
will yield a realm that future generations shall cherish.
He stands back from the podium for a moment.
Is he expecting applause?
It feels like he would be expecting applause.
He's hands on the hips,
and he pauses and waits there.
There's a small cricket sound
that may or may not play in the background.
He turns and looks at his entourage,
one smaller stature, woman,
with short cropped black hair
comes up forward and whispers something to him,
which can't be heard by the crowd,
and he continues to smile big
and starts to wave to the crowd and moves off,
and some of the reporters up in the front
begin hollering questions.
Excuse me, mayor, will there be an itemized list
of where these taxes are going?
Tell me more about the alchemy.
What's that part of it? Is it literal alchemy?
Was this just a bunch of buzzwords
to make everyone confused?
Fortified how? What do you mean when you say that?
A woman comes up to the podium and says,
I'm sorry, the mayor has too much to handle today.
He won't be taking any questions.
We'll see you at the next meeting.
All right, everybody have a great day.
As the mayor is rushed off back into his offices,
we fade out on the confused crowd
that is now left to disperse
back to their daily routine.
There is a beam of morning sun
coming through a curtain
and a groaning Kavlaran
is seen passed out on his sofa.
The light is slowly moving towards his eye,
and as it hits it, you are jolted awake
after a rousing night of Guy's Night
with your good, good friends Ben Tripley and Oak.
Boy's Night!
And as you look around,
you're the only one in the room.
You're still wearing the same things
that you were wearing the night previous,
and you kind of collect yourself
and realize as you try and figure out
what time it is, exactly where you are,
that you've missed the mayor's speech
that you were waiting for,
which you were hoping would give some semblance
as to a lot of the things that you are investigating.
As you kind of come to,
you remember that you actually had Oak
fill out the paperwork the night previous.
You go to your bag, and that is missing.
All right, think back, Kav.
What happened last night?
Where would the paper be?
Make a constitution check.
Are you still drunk?
I mean, we're going to find out.
It is a 14.
14.
You open the bag, and the pit of your stomach sinks,
and you start burning through it,
and bits and pieces of the night previous
start to come back.
Inside your bag, you see that there is
what appears to be some sawdust.
You pause for a moment,
and you catch a reflection of yourself in the mirror.
There's this weird purple stain
down the front of your shirt.
I mean, that totally tracks, yeah.
It's a jam, isn't it?
Yeah.
It might be.
Those turnt bottoms.
You remember that you partied good and hard
at the brood awakening
before going for a walk out on the town
because you had things to do,
including filling out the paperwork.
Before we go too much further,
what does Kavlaran's house apartment look like?
It's more of an apartment than a house.
Pretty Spartan with the decorating
because he's relatively new into town.
This isn't the first time he's been sent to a different town,
so he usually travels pretty light,
only takes the essentials with him.
Although there is a little snake plant
that he's got in one of the windows
that seems to be doing okay for a change.
Not usually the best green thumb for Kav.
I just have a question.
When the pit of your stomach sinks,
is it now in your colon?
Yeah.
I think so.
Yeah, probably.
Yeah, just like geographically.
Yeah, I was just thinking.
It's got to go somewhere.
It's only down from there.
And as these bits and pieces are coming back to you,
you hear a groan from the bathroom.
Bench?
What is it, Kav?
Excuse me.
Pardon.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I remember everything.
Well, I live here.
I don't live here.
No, this is my place.
I remember leaving the Brewed Awakening.
I don't remember what happened after that all too well.
Well, we went to go fill out the paperwork,
and you said you would submit it in the morning,
and then we went...
Where did we go after that?
We went...
Oh, we went and we played with some of the potions.
Okay.
Yeah, they didn't like that we did play the potions.
I mean, traditionally with alchemists and potion makers,
it's very exact as to what they're doing,
so chances are that wasn't well received.
No, no, I don't.
But then we came here, right?
You see him pause, and he looks.
What's that on your neck?
Kav grabs his neck.
It hurts when you touch it.
It's painful, it's sharp, it's like sandpaper on your neck.
You go and you look at the mirror,
and there's a tattoo on the neck,
and you start pulling the shirt down,
and it extends across your entire back.
Okay, why?
Carla and Amy, what does the tattoo look like?
Well...
This is not a good tattoo,
because you were late at night,
and you were clearly wasted in someone.
So either this is a real sketch shop,
or Bench had a tattoo gun in the back.
I can't rule it out.
That concerns me.
I feel like it would...
When you're drunk, everything is meaningful, right?
I feel like you'd be like,
listen, this is an important moment for you, Bench.
This paperwork is important.
And I think you asked someone to tattoo the paperwork onto your back.
That's why you don't have it,
because the tattoo artist used it as like a...
You straight up ripped it up and was like,
won't be needing this.
Don't need this anymore.
Oh my God.
Did Oak do the tattoo?
Oh my God, did he sign it?
Bench, when did this happen?
When did what?
I don't remember, my friend.
Did I get a tattoo too?
Let me see.
I don't see.
Oh, hey.
You see him turn and kind of lift his pants a little bit.
I think we got matching tattoos.
I have, I have page three.
Oh God.
And Oak too, do they...
I mean, we might have a whole set.
Let me see, let me see.
Boys night, boys night, boys night.
You have page, you have page one.
I have page three.
Just, we need page two.
I wouldn't have torn on page two unless someone got it tattooed on them.
So I guess we better go find Oak.
I hope it's Oak.
I wonder who else we met who could have...
It was only three pages, right?
I don't know.
I think it's the first time I've ever seen those forms.
It's the middle.
Hey everybody.
Thank you for being here.
The applause goes to you.
All right.
Yep.
We would do it louder, but it would actually be quite offensive in your ears.
So just imagine that was sort of like uproarious as if you were at Madison Square Garden.
That's what we were trying to convey.
I'm making a note, everybody.
I'm going to add in huge stadium noise.
Love it.
And that's for you because we love you and think you're a rock star.
Thank you all for being here on this lovely episode that we're having.
And...
I forgot what I'm doing.
Nailed it.
It was there to start.
I know.
It was really strong.
Our dedication.
And you know what?
Yes.
Thank you.
Wow.
I know we celebrated everyone.
We celebrated everyone with the rapturous applause, but let's really focus in on
one person that supports us on Patreon.
Thank you, Carla.
Let's throw it to our Patreon dedication, who this week is Richard McNeely.
Thank you, Richard.
Thanks so much for being here, Richard.
I was taking a look through the old Patreons and you've been with us since like early
2022, I think.
Wow.
Oh my goodness.
Thanks, Richard.
Imagine the huge crowd that was applauding, still applauding, but now they're standing
up for you.
Oh, wow.
I like that.
Thank you so much for being here.
Like I said, tomorrow, which is in the time that this is released, February 1st, 2024,
we will be having merchandise all back on our Patreon.
Oh, right.
That's happening.
So when you join up for Patreon and you've been with us for at least three months,
you get sent a lovely piece of merch, which is at the $5 tier, a sticker at the
Supporting Producers tier, a mug, and at the Game Time tier, a T-shirt.
Maybe.
It's either a T-shirt or sweater.
I can't remember.
Well, it's something good.
It's something good either way.
So make sure you go check those out.
If you have been a Patron with us for that long, I'm not sure how the notifications
of that work, you might just get sent something.
So make sure that you're all up to date on your address and everything.
I'm hoping they give you a little notification saying, hey, this is new.
You should probably check this out.
But we'll figure it out.
And you're going to have that feeling of knowing you're getting something in
the mail, but you don't know when.
And it's going to be on a day when you really needed that.
That's right.
We'll be there for you.
So just we're trying to just thank you for being here.
That's what it is.
You know, if they weren't there, we wouldn't be here.
That's right.
It's true.
Yeah.
That's the middle for us.
Join us at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Merch, audio.
Nope.
Audio is a terrible way to say that.
I mean, there is audio.
There is audio.
That's just the button.
That's just the button I push when I'm saying which post I want to create.
Let's try it again.
Merch.
Great bonus content.
I thought you were going to say hearing stuff.
Sound waves are going to be coming at you.
Oh, it's really something.
Dumb Dragons productions for all that great hearing stuff.
All right, everybody.
Have a great week.
We'll talk to you soon.
Bye now.
Love you.
Bye.
We at Dumb Dragons are big on, you know, exploring new restaurants, trying new meals,
having just the best time making all of the best food for ourselves, for our loved ones.
And I want to share with you a podcast called Fine Dining.
It's the search for the most mediocre restaurant in America.
And it's a podcast documenting the hilarious cross-country search for the perfectly average
five point double zero dining experience out of ten.
Just right down the middle.
I've been chatting with the host, Michael Ornelas, and loving his show.
He's hitting every chain you've ever heard of and many you probably haven't.
Looking for a restaurant as ordinary as he is.
His words, not mine.
He's a lovely fellow.
And I think you should go check him out.
Part one of each episode covers the franchise's history that he's looking into
and select Yelp reviews, while part two is Michael and his guests' full review,
often resulting in wild stories, screwy character bits, and even genre parody skits
like his TGI Fridays the 13th episode or Olive Garden musical.
You gotta check it out.
In the latest episode, reviewing friendlies, Michael travels from Los Angeles to New England
to try out the East Coast staple.
Upcoming episodes include Whataburger, IHOP, the last remaining cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant,
and the second annual Hooter Bowl as season two continues on.
Check out Fine Dining.
That's fine with quotations around it in case you haven't picked that up.
Anywhere you listen to podcasts or at fine dining podcast dot com.
We're back at Everbane's, and Bonwyn, you are setting up for the business association meeting
that you are scheduled to hold.
So Thane and Niven are there helping you set up.
Thane is putting out some chairs and says, oh, that speech was just bullshit.
Yeah, just nothing.
Right?
Like it was just gathered all of us together to share our stories.
Right?
Like it was just gathered all of us together to share bad news.
And then he like wanted us to clap, I think.
Yeah, that was the vibe I got that he just was standing there waiting for us to say what a great job he was doing.
To be like, congratulations, we love paying more taxes for absolutely no benefit.
Go mayor.
Businesses being shut down because of them.
Isn't it the goal of like leadership to like make sure that those are going towards good things?
You would think.
And here's the thing.
I don't mind paying taxes.
I like roads.
I like schools.
I like clean water and sanitation.
These are important things.
But we don't really have those things.
No.
Except for what we do for ourselves.
So don't have schools.
We don't have anything.
I mean, they have some of that over there.
Yeah.
But we can't be subsidizing.
Do you see the gold flecked like sparkle in between the grout on the cobblestone streets that they had?
Yeah, I think that might be like literally the alchemy he was talking about.
Thought it was a buzzword.
I think they might actually just be like grouting with gold over there.
Good Lord.
I mean, honestly, Thayne, if you're going to embezzle money, could you just like steal it and do something cool with it?
Like, I'm not condoning it, but.
Yeah.
It seems like more obnoxious than just like buying a yacht, you know?
Neven, who's setting out the snack table with finger sandwiches and different small square desserts.
There's a lot.
There's a lot of things that happen over there.
And it's just not not all not all noble people.
Okay.
Neven, you know, we don't ever mean you.
I know.
Love you.
You're great.
You live over there.
I mean, give us some insight.
Are things like good over there?
Yeah, no, things are really good over there.
Okay.
So it's okay.
So somebody's benefiting, not just the mayor.
Yeah, I know.
Everybody on that side of the river is benefiting.
And they built that new barracks just outside of the noble.
And then they've been bringing in more and more military transfers from Kingstown.
Right.
Because they have.
Because of the bulwark of whatever.
Like, you know, fortification.
It's a crossroads.
Pirates.
They're just spouting everything they can to get more.
Has there been more pirate activity?
Like, I know, you know, I had my shipment come in and the captain did say they'd run into a pirate.
Like, is.
Okay, you guys.
Legitimate or not legitimate.
Like, are they bringing in soldiers?
Because there's actually a threat from pirates.
Neven, thoughts?
Go.
Yeah, like the merchants and like everybody bringing goods back through town.
Like, they're talking about how the pirates are increasing activity.
But like we haven't we used to see it in town here, which I guess is a benefit.
We used to see it on the on the lake and we used to see it like in the docks.
Like they were actually brazen enough that they were coming in.
But it's not here anymore.
It sounds like it's just further down.
OK.
So there's that.
But if they're bringing all these soldiers here to protect the town specifically, that doesn't protect anybody going further out.
No.
Thayne, you heard anything?
Like, you know, I know you're kind of like drinking buddies with some of the guys, like city guard, like anybody.
What's going on?
They've been stuck just going door to door, making sure that people pay up every month.
And because it's been because there's been five increases in the last year, like that.
I heard that they brought in an auditor from Kingstown over the last couple of weeks to really just try and.
Like to make sure double extra sure that people are paying or.
No, to look into what's going on here.
So like the the the rumor going through the guard is that Kingstown's catching on to some of the things that the mayor's doing and is sending someone to kind of report back.
Huh?
That's interesting.
I find myself confused because I feel like am I rooting for Kingstown now?
That doesn't feel right.
But Kingstown has never done like Kingstown's fair, right?
Like, it's presumably I mean, we don't ever never go there.
It's just like, but.
But they certainly haven't been sending down five Kingley tax increases in the last.
I think what we pay the mayor like is supposed to funnel back up, isn't it?
Yeah, I would think so.
Yeah.
Huh.
Wonder what this auditor guy's all about.
Here is a real dream boat with a lot of tattoos.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that is your type.
So, you know, it is.
I mean, if you happen to make their acquaintance and want to find out like.
He's friends with Bench.
No way.
Yeah.
Came in town really quick.
Made a bunch of friends.
So like seems like seems like they're a good guy.
Hmm.
Maybe they'll be able to find something and like shut down all shut it all down.
Like, do we even need a mayor?
I mean, not to pave the streets with gold.
That may be like build a school, you know.
I don't know.
We'll see what the rest of Business Association has to say.
Like, I know I kind of get on my soapbox about educating people and not letting children starve, et cetera, et cetera.
You know, these seem like pretty basic things we could all kind of get on board with.
I'm pretty sure.
And again, that I'm happy to pay taxes for.
Well, those things.
Not this other bullshit.
Yeah.
Well, I think we're about ready.
You got the agenda ready?
I got.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
I mean, you know, it's just going to like.
It's just going to devolve into us screaming at each other.
Not at each other, but just screaming about.
Just a general cacophony about like taxes.
Business shutting down.
I mean, yeah.
We should try and arrange something a little bit more productive, maybe.
Let's think on that.
We can't just get together once a month and all yell in a room.
It doesn't really help anything.
But it feels better.
It does feel better.
You're right.
That's a really great point, Vane.
We cut to Cav and Bench.
You've found that you both have two pages of a three page document
tattooed somewhere on your persons.
You are on your way to try and find Oak.
Where are you going to try and find Oak?
First place Cav would think to check is the office.
Perfect.
Of course.
Yeah, absolutely.
We find you two heading back up the staircase towards the mayoral office.
You're both moving slower than normal.
It is a lot of stairs.
You are usually out of breath by the time you get to the top of them.
But today is exceptionally bad and the sun is beating down.
To your perception, beating down abnormally strong.
Like there's almost a spotlight down on top of you.
Both of you are sweating buckets.
Leave me behind.
I will just wait.
No, no, no.
Come.
We didn't come this far for you to quit now.
Come on.
Just a little bit further.
Okay.
You hold me.
I hold you.
We may get together.
We're friends forever.
We're paperwork buddies.
I think that's what we said last night.
We are buddies who do paperwork for each other and make sure business is...
We're workshopping the tagline of it.
Yeah, I remember something about that, but...
We're paperwork pals.
All for one and a number two pencil.
Okay, we're here.
I'm just going to take a drink from the fountain.
You think that's okay?
Sure.
I'll head to the office.
I'll see you folks there.
I'll meet you inside.
All right, great.
Now you open the door.
Water fountain?
Yeah.
The big gold fountain?
Or a decorative fountain.
Yeah, I would assume the giant gold one out front.
Yuck.
All right.
No, it's a big decorative gold water fountain.
We're getting a drink of water.
And that's at the top of the stairs?
Yeah.
Wow, what a fancy-ass mare.
The opulence.
There's a fountain up there.
There's a larger fountain down in the square.
And a big statue.
And the big statue.
Both locales.
And one grand one in the front entryway.
Where's the money going?
Who knows?
No way to know.
There's a thriving artisan district in this town, and now we know why.
That's right.
He's just putting that back into the community.
You give people money, they will spend it.
He's outsourcing it.
It moves the economy along.
There's no goldsmith in the hot block.
I don't know where all this gold's coming from.
It's a gift.
You triumphantly, or you think triumphantly, burst open the doors.
Everybody else sees, stop and turn, this slightly portly half-elf who's sweating buckets.
Catching his breath.
Catching his breath, grabbing onto the doors, standing for a moment as the sun beats down behind him.
And they all turn and slowly look away as they go back about their day.
And quickly leave the area that you're in.
You make your way back and through slowly.
You hear a bench.
You turn and look through the open doors and you see Bench has seated himself down.
And he's just waiting there.
He's not coming after you.
And you make your way back to your office where Oak would normally be on a traditional workday.
You open the door and it's an empty, quiet office.
Nobody's there.
Huh.
All right.
What the hell would Oak be?
I'm going to look around and see if I can find anything.
Maybe there's a clue.
Maybe he left me a note.
Maybe you guys were there last night.
I know I like to go to my place of work when I'm smashed.
You look on the desk and the majority of things were as you left them the day before.
When you were punched out at exactly five o'clock.
After having finished your allocated paperwork and a neat stack that hasn't yet to be filed
because it appears that Oak has not come in for the day.
I mean, that would be the number one clue that he has not come in.
Yeah.
The unusual thing is that the paperwork is still there, which you would expect to be gone.
You look around and you do see his satchel, which he doesn't normally keep on him all the time.
But it is hanging up on the wall and it is like flipped open.
Does he happen to have like anything that might indicate his like home address?
Maybe it's written on the on the like the the tag for sure.
Yeah.
For the bag.
If found.
Return to.
Yeah.
And it looks like it's hand stitched into the inside of this in a in a cursive that looks very motherly.
It does have his address.
I grab the the satchel and head back out the door and I see Bench.
I say, Bench, you know where thirty two Twiglet Street is?
Thirty two Twiglet.
Yeah, it's over in the noble district.
Where where are we?
That's where we are.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He's sitting on a gold fountain.
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
Then we don't have to walk very far.
That's perfect.
No, not too far.
But yeah, you lead the way.
I don't really know this part of town all that well.
OK, here we go.
Is something important at this address?
Well, that's that's Oaks address.
Oh, great.
See if he has the other sheet of paperwork tattooed on.
Cool.
Let's go.
I love instead of checking the office in this giant building, asking a single person, you know,
is he just in the coffee room?
Oak would have been there.
He would have.
And the paperwork would have been filed.
Exactly.
Like something is amiss here.
He's probably in the bathroom barfing.
He doesn't look like he's got a great constitution.
I would assume it might be the second time he's ever been out for a bender like that.
As you reach to help bench up because he needs it, you hear inside the satchel like the clinking of glass vials.
You'd said the satchel was flipped open.
It was flipped open.
Yeah.
Earlier.
Well, I haven't adjusted that.
So I take a little peek inside.
And there are two vials.
You can kind of look in and see one is filled with a clear blue liquid that has like an iridescence to it.
The other, the stopper is off and it is empty.
They are not meticulously labeled.
They don't appear to be labeled.
What alchemist is giving out vials without labels?
I'm sure that that's a fine.
Oh yeah, very much so.
What oak is buying vials without labels on it?
This is all very suspicious.
Maybe oak is a little more badass than we gave him credit for.
Maybe.
You look in and you see these vials and you pull each of them out just to make sure that there's no label on them.
There's no label to say that what they are.
But you do see an insignia on top, which how familiar would Cav be with the local vendors?
Like, clearly you've only been here like a few weeks.
You know, some of the restaurants.
Would you have gone shopping at some of the regular alchemists and potion makers and that sort of thing?
I mean, he's probably been to one or two and like the farmer's market.
But maybe not to the extent of like someone who's been in town longer and has like, oh yeah, that's the potion shop I like to go to.
You look at them and the insignia looks familiar, but you're unable to actually roll.
Let's play the fucking game.
Yeah, let's do that.
Roll something.
A dice.
Okay.
And a joint.
Got my ice cream die right here.
We should have we should make one up being like memory check.
Do you remember that shit?
But we're playing our own game, so it could be a memory check.
It's a memory check.
Well, I mean, Cav isn't the sharpest tool in the drawer, so that's an eight.
Yeah, it looks familiar, but you can't quite place it.
Okay.
Do you ask Bench or do you put them back?
No, I just put them back.
Okay.
You slide them back in.
You help Bench up and he's like one heavy arm over your shoulder.
And the two of you make your way down trying to find 32 Twiglet Street.
Back in the storage room, Tally comes over to you.
I finished counting them.
Okay.
So you have 18 large crates and 14 small crates, one medium crate.
Wow.
Tally, I'm impressed.
Thank you.
Well done.
And you counted right?
I think you counted right.
Yeah, I think I counted right.
I did the numbers.
I ran out of fingers, but I still had toes.
Oh, that's why you had your shoes off?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, you're thorough and I like that.
One of the numbers went above the number of fingers and toes, so I think I got them all.
Okay.
I've propped open all the lids that I could lift with my hands, but we're going to need a crowbar.
We can get one from behind the wheel right to lift the other ones.
Okay.
That sounds like a great idea.
Should we take a peek?
Yeah.
Yeah, we should.
Yeah, I think so.
As you go to push the first one open, make a perception check.
Yes.
What am I perceiving?
I will tell you, depending on how well you do.
Fuck.
Is that how this game is played?
A 22?
God damn it.
Shit.
I put my dice back in here thinking like, well, I'm done.
I did it.
Okay.
I found that dice.
I worked again.
All right.
Hit the wine glass in the exact same.
Oh, shit.
And number 13.
That's the same thing as last time.
Okay.
I've got a strategy now, you guys.
And this is perception, right?
Yeah.
Big old nothing.
Okay.
13.
As you creak this lid open inside, you see some fabrics, but you get a draft that flows
in from two or three crates down that just kind of hits the ankle of your feet.
Ankle of your feet.
Fuck you, Russ.
I was just nodding along.
I was like, mm-hmm, honey, ankle of your feet.
I get it.
Go on.
The ankle of your feet.
That brushes against your ankle.
You look and you see that the door to the storage room is still closed and you
hadn't previously found any egress from here.
Tally.
Yeah?
What?
I feel something.
What do you feel?
Do I feel something like wind on my legs?
Oh.
What does that mean?
I think, okay, wait, I rummage through my bucket and I pull out a candle and a match
and I light the match and I light the candle and then I hold it.
I move it around slowly.
Anytime Tally goes to say something, I'm like, shh.
And I look to see if the flame is being blown and I follow it until I come to where I think
air is coming out.
Air?
I think air is coming out of here.
It could be the tunnels.
I think so.
Okay.
Can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we,
should we move it?
Should we, do we need help?
Is it, is it too heavy?
Like that, that's very exciting and I don't know why it's exciting, but it's
very exciting and I'm excited for us.
Your excitement is making me excited.
Let's try to lift it or shove it or push it ourselves and if we can't, we can get the
guys down here.
Okay.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
Oh, we gotta be on different sides.
Yeah.
Or on the same side.
Okay.
This side, this side.
Push.
Three, two, one.
And the crate begins to move and behind this crate, which was like wedged right
up against the wall, a passageway begins to appear before you.
Ah, I was right.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, Season 3, Episode 4.
This episode starred Amy More as Alydin, Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane, Tom Laird
as Kavlaran Goldweave, and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue Editing by Carla Maxted and Sound Design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character designs are by Matt Garbud.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak, Cat Waterflame,
Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Craig Zeiss, Perry Matey, Ongerong Kiersen, Old School
Gamer D, L.A. Branton, Nathaniel Teeter, Luna, and Aaron.
Join us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast and hey, we've got merch that's coming
starting February 1st, 2024.
You could sign up today and get a little advanced head start on that.
When you sign up for three months with us, we'll send you a sticker or a mug
or a shirt as a thank you for being part of the community.
Oh yeah, there's a pretty awesome community that you'd be part of too.
Before, after, during that, whatever.
Did you know we have a newsletter?
There's a link tree down in the description where you can sign up for our newsletter,
get informed at the beginning of the month of what's coming up, what's coming your
way.
We've got a lot of things that we're very excited about and we want you to know.
So sign up for that, join us on Discord, come join us on Patreon.
Those are the three main ones.
If you're doing any or all of those, we appreciate you.
So thank you for listening.
That's it for this week.
We hope you enjoyed the fun.
Have a great week and we'll talk to you soon.
Fuck it.
Let's play, which was worked into the theme thing.
So yeah, but you still need to say it for us.
Let's play.
Many of the business owners and citizens are all gathered here and in the crowd,
we see a crying dog, a crying dog.
Everyone's upset about those tax increases, even the dogs.
We're all feeling it.
Well, I mean, there is talk among a lot of the merchants.
No, not merchants.
Uh, transporters, not Jason Statham.
What's the word I'm looking for?
The mag.
There's a giant shark and the pirates need to save the day.
Is it crank?
Are you thinking of crank?
Crank.
Probably thinking of crank.
People who go out and bring things back, importers.
This is just Amy.
I think this isn't the hourglass hourglass and shove that hourglass up your ass.
The tool chest mechanic, but it's not a mechanic.
It is the, uh, the person who fixes the wagons, no, the carriage person.
The wagon.
I was just thinking wagon here.
I'm like, no, I'm not sully.
I can't just make up words.
The, the area, the carpenter, a carpenter would work too.
Yeah.
I'll just say repair shop.
Sure.
There you go.
Love it.
Wheelwright.
Oh, wheelwright.
That's good.
Oh, let's do that.
I like that.
Builds and repairs, wagon wheels, carriages, et cetera.
Who knew?
Learn something new every day.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We learn things.
is a Dumbgeons and Dragons production.