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There's the sound of scuffling around, there's moving of boxes, there's some digging in the
ground. And Tally walks up to Alydin and says, so what happens if we find these tunnels?
What do you mean what happens if we find the tunnels?
Everybody's asking questions, right everybody? Like we've got like what if we find the tunnels,
like they were like Kinney's guys probably have like a plan for what these tunnels are.
If they're looking for tunnels, what's our plan for the tunnels? Like are we
going to tell them or are we going to? Do we live in the tunnels now?
Oh, we can live in the tunnels. Oh my God. No, we don't live in
the tunnels. Listen, guys, having the tunnel information gives us leverage.
Leverage against who? Not against anybody. It's just
we have wants and needs. Wait, what's leverage?
That is when you can use something that you have or you know to your advantage
against someone else to get something you want. What do we want?
Food. Treasure?
Treasure. Well, I mean. What if there's treasure in them tunnels?
I would love to like not live in this place.
So you want to live in the tunnels? Because we're going to live in the
tunnels with the treasure. Guys. OK, so if we know where these
tunnels are, we can use them if we want to, to get around, to go different places in the city
where we're like, maybe we're not so really welcome. And also, then if we know this
and Kinney's men are desperate, maybe we can tell them for a price.
You see? Then we get the treasure.
Maybe. Maybe it's a real house. There's a house in the tunnels?
Maybe it's consistent food tally. I just I can't with you right now.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast.
I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More. He him and Dumbgeons and Dragons stars
Amy More as Alydin. She her again, never specified to dig necessary.
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave. He him or, you know, we could just
dip five minutes early. And Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane. She her.
I don't know if you're angling for me to pay for you to have a special visit
when we get to the Quivering Hills, but I did just say dinner and drinks are on me.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production that's supported by our patrons.
Visit us today at Patreon.com slash Dumb Dragon cast.
And now it's adventure time, baby. Fuck it. Let's play.
We hear the sound of a door closing and Kavlaran, you walk back into your office
and Oak is finishing up some paperwork for the day.
It's nearly time to punch the clock, so to speak.
He turns and looks and says, I'm just about done. We've got 18 more papers to file
and we can probably do it if we both put our heads down
like within the next five minutes. What do you say?
I mean, that does sound like a plan. Yeah.
Uh, or, you know, we could just dip out five minutes early.
Dip out five minutes early.
Yeah, just close the door and do this tomorrow.
Um, but but Nina said that they were due by the end of the day today and that
I would just I would just be really uncomfortable
and I want to get the most out of boys night.
And if we got to do papers.
So you're you're telling me that you won't be able to stop thinking about these papers
if they're not done before the end of the day.
Just look at these papers like, look, this one cat in tree.
We need to file that one.
Look, uh, taxes raising.
What does that even get filed in?
Uh, oh, uh, that's going to get filed in the cat and tree department.
We have a department for.
There's a whole department for cat and tree staffed with eight people.
I mean, well, right away, it feels like that's maybe a few too many people,
like six too many people.
This place has so many cats and so many trees
that they're constantly just up there.
If we didn't have a full department, the backlog in what would we even put it into
like some sort of animal resources like that's not even reasonable.
OK, well, I'll tell you what we will buckle down.
OK, get this paperwork done great.
So you can come and enjoy boys night with me and Bench at the Brewed Awakening.
OK, great, great, great, great.
I can't wait like Bench hasn't really wanted to hang out with me ever.
And he's going back to scribbling on the papers and hands you a stack.
He's only handed you two and he has the rest of them.
What do you think Bench is going to be serving up tonight?
And, uh, I don't know.
I know that they're closed.
So like we just like a friend's thing, right?
This isn't like we're not paying for this.
This is this isn't like a health and safety thing that we got to worry about.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is this is just total, total hangout time.
Great, great, great.
Ah, I've been waiting for a hangout time.
Uh, so I'm done.
OK, did you do your two?
Uh, I did a pretty good job on them.
I think I'd love to roll like some sort of persuasion roll.
Are you trying to persuade or are you trying to deceive?
I guess I'm trying to persuade him that I did a great job, even though, like,
let's be honest, I probably try to deceive.
I guess.
Yeah.
OK, so roll deception.
Guess it just depends on which side of the coin you look at here.
That's a nine.
Look, I can see you really want to go out to boys night.
We'll save these two for the morning and you can redo them in the morning.
OK, because I can see right now that you haven't put
down the proper forwarding address.
You don't have to look any closer.
OK, I mean, it's over your shoulder.
OK, anyway, that's just I'll file these ones on the way out
and we'll be on our way.
Boys night.
We hear the sound of a carriage rolling by Everbane's and inside,
Bonwyn, you have finished the Estro blade for your client, Milord Ignatius,
and are packaging it up for delivery.
Neven has stopped by at the end of the day just to kind of hang out
as they sometimes do and come along with you on this delivery.
So that's a really cool blade.
Like, how much did that one cost?
Oh, I mean, rude.
I mean, a lot.
How about dinner and drinks are on me after we make the delivery?
Geez.
Nice.
So OK.
Yeah, it's it's a good one.
But I mean, not to brag, but look at it.
It's gorgeous.
So such a fine point.
I want to dare you to touch it, but I don't because it will cut you.
Thanks for the warning.
But look at I mean, jewels in the hilt.
It's it's gorgeous and deadly.
And here, take it.
Take it just by the handle.
Oh, how light it is.
That's so light.
It's like that.
Look at the bAlydince on that.
I don't know.
That's what people say when they pick up pick up blades.
But like, if I put my finger there.
Exactly.
You can just barely moves.
Nice work.
So did you you brought the silk?
Perfect.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Here you go, Ignatius.
You know, Ignatius is always like,
head to toe green.
It's kind of his cool signature look.
So yeah, I've carved a perfect box.
So it just will set in there nicely.
The blade won't touch.
And then I'll close that up.
And of course, wrap it in the silk and with that ribbon.
Can you pass me that?
Yeah, here you go.
Perfect.
And then we tie it.
And then as always, he'll just pull it and it will sort of drift down slowly
and go and that box will kind of open up and the blade will present itself.
And I mean, you know, that's why I can pay for dinner and drinks tonight
because this isn't cheap.
Because this sounds rather sexual in nature is what it does.
I mean, he's going to be on board with it.
I mean, Ignatius runs the brothel.
So it's it all just makes perfect sense.
Yeah, yeah, it's I mean, the classy brothel.
Of course.
Yeah, the quivering hills.
I mean, I think I'm good.
I'm ready.
Let's get in the carriage.
We'll head across the bridge, go to the quivering hills, drop this off,
take in the sights, maybe if you're interested.
And then dinner and drinks wherever you want to go.
Love it.
OK, the two of you grab the bag and lock the door behind or
sit like an open halfway.
We haven't described it.
So I have an office and workshop kind of within the more open forge.
So that's where we would be doing this.
So I would like close and lock the door behind me
because I have a safe where I keep, you know, the jewels and the estrel
and the money and all that stuff.
But otherwise, it is kind of more open concept because of all the heat
and yeah, the forges and whatnot.
So Thane can kind of wander freely everywhere else.
Awesome.
And as you lock it and you're heading back out,
Thane, who's working on something, kind of catches you over their shoulder
and says, all right, I'll lock up tonight.
I'll close everything down.
You have a great one.
OK, yeah, just heading to the quivering hill.
See you later.
Don't have too much fun.
I give him a big wink.
I think we've looked everywhere.
Have you found anything yet, Alydin?
No.
No, but I mean, this place is big.
And let's face it, those two over there have been like
digging in each other's spots the entire time.
Get out of my way.
No, get out of my way.
I was looking here first.
If we look here together, we'll just dig us twice as fast.
Maybe we'll dig deep enough that the tunnels will make the tunnels.
We could build our own tunnels.
Alydin seems really excited about tunnels.
Alydin, don't look over here.
Well, we almost found the tunnel.
We have a surprise, but not now.
Just don't worry about it.
We'll tell you later.
I see what you mean.
OK, so where have you been looking?
Well, if I was going to hide secret tunnels,
there would probably be some kind of a trap door.
So I appreciate, like, how hard they're working over there
with their spoons and stuff.
But we shouldn't have to dig down too far.
Look, help me move these big crates,
because I feel like wouldn't you put a big crate
on top of something that you don't want anyone to see?
Yeah, absolutely.
OK, here I come.
You want to roll a strength check with advantage,
because hold on.
I'll tell you if it's with advantage.
It is not with advantage.
Six.
No, four.
I'm a child.
Everybody, we're going to need a hand.
I just don't think we can get this.
Everybody, come over here.
Help us move this crate, OK?
OK.
OK, here I come.
Pull like you've got purpose.
Come on.
All right, now roll with advantage,
because you have eight kids.
It's an 11 and a 3.
11.
The group of these children all pile on, at first,
kind of all pile around all sides and are all pushing in.
Are we doing it?
No.
Did it move?
No, guys, we got to pick a direction.
Pull toward me.
You guys on that side, you push.
You don't pull.
OK.
We want it to go this way.
Got it.
OK.
Great.
OK.
All right, three, two, one.
And then you hear the crate sliding.
And as it clears, there is a wooden panel underneath.
We'll flip my pancake, Tally.
You see that?
Oh, gosh.
That's no dirt floor.
This is under the crate where we've
been standing this whole time.
We've been digging for what seems like all day.
Yeah.
Yeah, I, again, never specified to dig necessarily.
How else are you going to find tunnels in the ground,
Alydin?
We moved a box that was sitting on top of a trap door, Tally.
All right.
Well, that's why you make the big bucks around here.
Mm-hmm.
OK.
Can we see what's inside?
Can you lift it?
What's in there?
Is it treasure?
Yeah, can we go in?
Is it food?
Is it treasure?
OK, listen.
You guys have to stay here.
Tally, help me open this up.
OK.
Yeah, we've already just shown that I'm very strong.
I can help with this.
It is a trap door.
It is a piece of wood.
Well, is it a trap?
Wait, is there like a code word or anything
you want to see as a warning if someone's coming?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah.
Well, should we stick with the barn animal noises
that we had them doing earlier?
Like the birds?
Yeah, but don't be so realistic this time, OK?
Yeah, give us an example.
OK.
So like, ah.
Oh, that's good.
Gubble, gubble, gubble.
Oh, I like that one.
Yeah, OK.
Oh, I like that combination of them.
Yeah.
OK.
And do it loud, though, OK?
Yeah, yeah.
I think that Alydin has probably snooped enough to check for a
a simple trap of some kind before just pulling it open.
You wanna make an investigation roll then?
Yes.
All right, hold on, Tally.
Okay, yeah.
I just wanna check this out.
I'll wait for your go.
16, 15, I know how to count.
You look and at first glance,
there's nothing that appears to be protruding
or any locking mechanism.
You run your hands along the side
and you're able to find the perimeter
which has been like covered over with dirt.
It doesn't look to you that there is any trap
that is going to be of danger to you
in just lifting this panel.
Okay, hey, remember that time
that we lifted the chest
from Sir Wrinkle Bottom's door?
Yeah.
And all that gross smell and smoke stuff
came out.
Yeah, that wasn't very good.
Okay, so it didn't look like the gross smoke stuff
was gonna come out, but it did.
So it could be like that.
So here's what we gotta do.
You guys, you guys go further back, further back.
Tally, we're gonna do like a lift and flip
for the lift. Lift and flip.
The lift and flip.
And then we're gonna run in the other directions.
It's gonna be a flip and then a run.
And then a run. Yes.
Lift, run.
Yeah, but we have to lift it
and then we gotta flip it all the way off.
All the way off.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go.
Okay, you got this?
Got it.
Lift, lift with our legs.
Lift, flip, run.
Three, two, one.
Door flips, both of you run back.
There's this almost vacuum effect of dust
that has plumed out of the hole that you've revealed.
You can't see inside it.
You are all huddled behind some crates
on the other side of the room.
You look and you see this dust settle back down.
Nothing's coming out of it,
but you can't see down into
from the position that you're in.
It doesn't smell like that gross smoke.
No, it just smells like the warehouse, a little stale.
All right, I'm gonna go take a look.
I creep quietly.
You make it to the edge and you look down
and it's very dark in this hole that opens up into.
It looks, at first glance,
looks kind of like a cold cellar.
It goes down a few feet with a little bit of a ladder
and then opens up into a much larger room
that you can't get the full scope of
without going down the stairs.
You do have visibility on a couple crates
that are open down in the bottom.
You don't see anything of real value inside.
There's some burlap sacks kind of piled up
in one area that you have visibility on,
but if you want to see the rest of the room,
you'd have to go down the ladder.
Okay guys, it's really dark down there.
Yeah, it looks kind of scary.
I do see some sacks.
They look empty,
but they definitely look cozier than what we've got.
So that's a plus.
Already, this was a great idea.
Yeah, that's gonna be great for the cold nights,
which are coming pretty soon.
So yet again, I've saved us.
I guess, like, let's go down there.
Not you guys.
Tally.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
So Tally and I are gonna go down.
Okay, Benson, you're in charge.
I don't know if that's a great idea, but okay.
Yeah, well, Benson's next in line.
Like, it's just how it happens.
Apes, not Benson.
Just keep your, just keep it together
for like five minutes.
We're just gonna go down and have a look.
Okay, we'll have the bird calls on ready.
All right.
You're going down first or second?
I'm going down first.
Your footsteps on the ladder
as you're making your way down,
and it's 10 rungs down
by the time you get to the bottom.
Either the ceiling of this hold is pretty low.
It's only about six feet.
So you don't have to duck or anything,
but there's not much room to jump.
Or for somebody taller,
it's not much room to move around.
You get down, everybody has dark vision.
Yes, I'm pretty sure.
Half elves do, dwarves do.
So you're able to see down here
once you come down, your eyes adjust just a little bit.
And there are,
like the room is lined with shelves and crates,
and it looks like it was at one point
used as a food storage room.
You don't see any egress from this room,
but the walls are themselves lined with crates.
Some of them stacked almost to the seal.
Tally comes down behind you
and is kind of feeling around
and kind of, and catches your back.
Anything that we gotta worry about?
It's pretty quiet.
Yeah, it just looks like an old cellar.
Tally goes and moves and picks up some of the jars.
Some of these are still sealed,
like there's food inside of some of these.
How do you know it's food?
Well, I can see inside this one,
and it looks like pickles.
Okay, well fair.
There's some of these though
that are in those dark jars.
You gotta be careful.
Why don't you start handing food up?
Okay.
Actually, no wait.
Okay.
We're the only people who know about this place.
Then this is the safest place to keep it.
Put it back, don't drop it.
Okay.
Slowly puts it back on the shelf,
places it down.
I did, I did, I did it.
Yeah, I saw that Tally.
Good job.
Okay, help me look through some of these crates.
Like it is floor to ceiling crates in here.
There's gotta be some good stuff that we could sell
or barter with,
or maybe even find another door or tunnel.
Wow, okay.
The two of you begin trying to lift the lids
off of some of these crates.
And many of them are hammered down pretty tight.
When you hear from up above...
That's the code.
Everybody be quiet.
It's just you and me.
Do we go up?
Do we stay here?
Talk about what happens when they say the thing.
I quickly, like, climb up the ladder,
and say, put the lid on, put the lid on.
Three of the kids run over and are dragging the lid
back over the tunnel with you inside of it?
Yep.
Great.
I'm a child.
And then you hear footsteps flee off
as you are plunged into darkness.
As they slide it on, I go, hide, hide, hide, hide.
They scatter in the room.
Kavlaran and Oak.
You're making your way back to the Brood Awakening,
and Oak has been talking your ear off the entire way.
And it's like, Kavlaran, I've been really just thinking
that we would be perfect friends
ever since you stepped foot into the offices.
It's been, I just can't believe
we haven't had this opportunity since you've been here.
Like, it's been several weeks.
Yeah, you know.
Last person who was here,
I just hung out with them immediately.
And then they were gone the next week.
Turns out, I've just had a super busy social life
since coming here.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
No, that's good that you're integrated into the community.
That's a great thing.
I'm just glad to be part of it now.
Nice to finally like do this.
It's long overdue.
Yeah, no, well, you know,
we know each other as business professionals,
but now we get to know each other
when we really cut loose, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, absolutely.
Ready for this?
Ready, so ready.
I've been prepping all day.
Haven't eaten a single thing.
Wait, were you pre-gaming?
Well, no, no, it's like, I just, you know,
know that Bench really makes good food.
So I just haven't been eating a lot,
knowing that it is probably gonna be some good grub.
So makes it left some room.
Oh, yeah, I don't know
if there's actually gonna be any food
because like the kitchen shut down.
It's part of the business license.
So I think it's just gonna be like drinks
and bar snacks.
Great, then I've been preparing all day
to get totally wasted.
That's what we're doing, right?
I mean, it seems like that might be it, yeah.
But don't worry, I'll hold your hair if need be.
Oh, thank you, Kavlarna.
I really should have thought this one through.
Shutting down the restaurant
probably wasn't the best idea for this,
but that's okay.
Street vendors will be out not too long
and then we can get some food if we need it.
Absolutely.
You round the corner and you see the Brewed Awakening
with the clothes sign and every other windows boarded up.
He's waiting for us, right?
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, he's there.
You just gotta do the secret knock.
I don't know the secret knock.
All right, well, watch close.
Okay.
Wow, that's a good knock.
Did you get it?
Do you need to see it again?
If I could see it again, that would be great.
That's it, that's it.
That's the one.
Yeah, so like this.
We'll work on it some more.
Okay, as the door swings open, bench is inside.
He has colored sconces all over the walls,
which is what he does when it's a,
you know, it's a big party night,
but he's done so for the festivities here
and he's flexing as he opens the door,
which he always does.
Oh, come on in, come on in, get down.
Get under the tables so that the-
Under the tables?
Well, that's where the party starts.
Okay, let's do it.
Get under the table,
that way you don't end the night under the table.
Oak, bench, bench, Oak,
I don't know if you've met each other.
Oh, we've seen each other around.
You came and shot me down last week.
Oak, you did it personally?
I did do that.
Well, I came along with the group
just to make sure that it was delivered
and done properly and I apologize for that.
You know, taxes, it's what the city runs on
and you gotta keep up with them,
but we're not here to talk about business, are we?
I sure hope not.
No, no, we're not talking about business here.
Let me go get you some drinks.
He goes behind the bar and says,
what do you have?
Oak, what do you normally order?
Oh, I normally have something fruity
with a little twist.
Sure, yeah.
You got a pomegranate?
Benched, do you have something fruity with a twist
that would work well for Oak here?
Oak and the fruity twist, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You get, with the hard liquor
is what will serve you up here.
This one, it has a squeeze of orange in it
and it's just straight whiskey.
Oh, that sounds really good.
Is everybody else gonna have one?
Yeah, I mean, one of those sounds just Andy.
Fantastic.
Everybody gets their drinks and goes,
all right, everybody to a great boys night.
On the count of three,
we're doing a lot of counting this episode.
Cheers.
And everybody puts their drinks back.
Make a constitution saving throw.
Oh, boy.
Lightweight.
After bonus, that is a seven.
Oh, wow.
Kavlaran does not hold his liquor.
Come on, Kavlaran.
I mean, maybe not when it comes to Brandy.
He might be more of a, like, ale type.
Let's say you make your first few with advantage
because likely he's not gonna serve you
the exact same thing as he's serving Oak.
You also ate ahead of time.
I did.
That's a 19.
Okay.
You take these drinks and they're pretty strong
but you're able to hold them
and Oak is like, whoa, that's something I...
Yeah, I think...
It really burns on the way down.
He used it as a paint thinner
last time he redid the place, so.
Yeah, no, it definitely tells.
I love the orange, the florals,
the florals in my nose.
Another one.
Oh, wow.
It's the middle.
Hey, everybody.
Thanks for listening.
Hope you're having a great day.
I love these pauses.
You hope we're having a great day?
Or the listener?
You know what, me too.
Hope everybody's having a great day.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Proxy for the listener.
I'm not greedy with the great days.
Everyone can have them.
No, everyone could have a great day.
We're in episode three.
We're three episodes deep in this new season
and we're just loving it.
We do.
We hope you are too.
Figuring out these new characters is fun.
Yeah, it's been really cool
and seeing the lovely things people have been saying
on the Discord is really, really, really nice.
People are nice.
If you're not on that Discord,
you can't run over there.
Like, just come.
Even if you don't do Discord,
even if you don't know what I'm talking about.
It's just happiness.
This is just like a chat community.
Come join us.
Everyone's very nice.
Absolutely.
As a former person who didn't do Discord
and was terrified when Russ was like,
hey, we need a Discord,
it's really easy to pick up.
So there is a link down in the description
of this episode and probably many of them,
but it's a link tree and it'll say,
take you to another page and then take you to Discord.
And then you'll have to, if you're new to Discord,
you sign up for an account.
And if you're not new, then it'll just bring you in
and you know what we're talking about.
And it is free.
Oh yeah.
It's free to come in.
One concern that many people have is that the,
spoilers, cause they're not caught up.
So maybe you're listening to season three now,
but you're still catching up on season one or season two.
We contain as much as we can
to some certain spoiler channels.
So you can mute those and then you don't see anything
until you're all nice and totally.
Our listeners are super respectful of that too.
Like I don't see much crosstalk.
To be honest, there's not a lot of talk
about this business on there.
We're talking about pets.
We're posting pictures of food.
Oh yeah.
There's tattoos.
Plants.
People talking about music.
Other podcast recommendations.
It's just like a bunch of nice people you can talk to
about this show or not.
People getting together, playing their own games.
We're just the catalyst that brings you all together.
And now there's this awesome community.
Yep.
So that's what's happening over there.
Hey, we've, so since we're three episodes deep,
we've forgotten to do something that we do,
did every, every single frigging episode.
Hundreds of episodes.
For literally hundreds of episodes.
Slight change to format and our brains fall out.
So we are a Patreon supported show
and you can join us at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And when you are a patron,
you maybe get an episode dedicated.
If you remember.
We're back on it.
We just missed a couple.
It's just been a bit.
So today's episode is dedicated
to one of our patrons, Perry Matey.
You are awesome.
The best.
That's all I got.
You're amazing.
Perry Matey is the username.
So that's what we go by.
But that's our good friend, Sam,
who we play game time with quite a lot.
And they've just had a big event in their life.
And we got to celebrate it with them.
So thank you.
Thank you for being here, Sam.
Love you, Sam.
We love you.
Join us today at patreon.com slash dumb dragon.
I'm being cagey about it
because I don't know if they want to spill the beans.
We knew what was going on.
Maybe next week we'll get to spill the beans.
Let us know.
Okay.
That's all we've got for now.
Join us at patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
We love you all.
Have a great week.
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Bye.
Bonwyn and Neven,
you've made your way across the bridge
into the noble district.
And the quivering hills are located
on the far side of the noble district.
So you make your way through.
And the, I don't know how often you come over here.
I guess I can leave that up to you.
Probably just for deliveries
or I guess I would probably have some clients
that would request me to come and plan what they're
rather than them coming to me.
So, but only for that.
I don't, I don't hang out on this side of the river.
The two of you are walking through
and making your way to the quivering hills.
And Neven taps your shoulder
and the, the level of,
rich bitch mentality over here, right?
Well, I mean,
I wasn't gonna say it in your company.
Like it's not, it's not exactly me.
You know that, right?
Like every time you look in the mirror, you mean?
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I'm just kidding.
You're lovely.
Yeah, but I mean.
Many people on this side of the river are lovely.
They are that.
That's true.
Like everybody's just trying to do their best.
But like the different, what I see here
as like there's so much more,
there's so much more fun and joy when I come visit you.
Here it's like everybody's competing.
Yeah, it's definitely a different vibe
than the hot block where it's like,
loud and noisy and colorful and bright.
And here it's very, that's very calm.
Very clean cut.
People want to be dignified.
And there's sort of no soul.
No, yeah.
Again, present company.
Of course, thank you.
Of course.
Thank you for saying that.
No, it didn't.
I wasn't digging for compliments or anything,
but I just wanted to say that like this,
I'd throw it all away, you know?
I don't know if you're angling for me to pay
for you to have a special visit
when we get to the Quivering Hills,
but I did just say dinner and drinks are on me.
That's true, that's true.
Yeah, fair enough.
I mean, nice try.
Got to try a little bit, don't you?
You round the corner and nestled into the Foisen Hills
is the Quivering Hills,
which is a very large building
by comparison to everything around it,
which is saying something
because there are several story homes
and businesses that are a little more unusual
than the Artisan District
and where you mostly spend your time.
It's not like a steady stream of people,
but there are a few people going in,
a couple of people coming out,
and as you make your way up these grand staircases,
everything does have a grand staircase on this side.
That's just...
I'm imagining it like a manor kind of deal,
like it's not like a business,
it's not a building, it's like a manor.
Yeah, totally, pillars, grand staircase.
The fanciest of brothels.
Yes, oh, absolutely.
Upscale.
You make your way up to the front entrance
and there is, of course, a couple bouncers standing outside
and they look down at you.
They're hulkingly tall men
in very clean-cut blazers
and they look down at you and say,
do you have an appointment?
Hey, boys, yeah, I need to see Ignatius.
Bonwyn, he's waiting for you.
Straight in, up the stairs,
you know where his office is, right?
Of course, yeah, you bet.
And she's with me, so.
Tag along, that's fine.
They open the door for you
and inside everybody's in very luxurious satin robes.
There are candles along the walls.
There's a chocolate fountain in the middle of the room
because that feels luxurious, right?
Oh, yes, nothing screams class
like a chocolate fountain.
It's weird how many brothels I've seen in shows.
I have such a clear vision in my mind
of velvet and chaise longs
and half-naked men and women.
Long rouge, kind of like.
Yes, exactly.
And I imagine because this is the fanciest brothel,
we're gonna see all different types of,
not just dwarves and elves and half-elves.
There are dragonborn and sort of more exotic,
something for everyone's taste.
Exactly, all of that.
And you make your way up,
observing the surroundings,
perhaps even a little bit more than yourself.
And you make your way up the stairs
and to the office door of Ignatius,
which is at present time closed.
Well, I'll just knock.
Just barge in.
Who knows what's going on in there?
Yes, just a second.
You hear a scuffling of papers and a buckling of pants.
Hey, Neven.
Yeah?
No matter what you see in there, do not laugh.
Okay.
I mean it.
Okay.
This is a very important client for me.
Of course, why would I laugh?
If you don't think you can handle,
you, I'm just saying.
Okay.
Got it.
Yeah.
Okay.
And the door swings open
where you see before you Ignatius.
What does Ignatius look like, Carla?
Well, as mentioned, Ignatius is dressed all in green.
And you would think that if you were gonna go
for that cohesive of a color scheme,
it would all match,
but it's somehow all weirdly different shades of green
that do not match.
But all very high quality
and like quite ostentatious.
He is an elf.
So tall, slender, dark hair, blue eyes,
and you know, looks middle-aged, but he's an elf.
So that could mean anything.
Should look elegant based on the quality
and cut of the clothing,
but Bonwyn suspects he's colorblind.
So he just picks all green so it matches,
but he doesn't understand
that there are different colors of green.
So it's, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm gonna make a constitution saving throw
for your friend who lets out like a.
And I turn and I'm like, just really.
Can she turn it into a cough?
Bonwyn slap her on the back harder than necessary.
Everything's green.
Like floor to ceiling.
This is lovely.
Sorry.
Just a little tickle in the throat.
I'll just keep to myself.
There's a washroom down the home even if you need to.
I will excuse myself for just a moment.
Great.
And they excuse themselves to go use the washroom
in which Ignatius lets you in
and two well-dressed people,
one male, one female, leave as you enter.
Says, yes, yes, come on in, Bonwyn.
It's a little early for the delivery.
Is everything go okay?
It is truly the most beautiful thing I've ever made.
I think you're gonna be really pleased.
He says, bring it in, bring it in, put it on the desk.
Walks behind the desk.
And as you enter, of course everything is green
but like the room as you recall it
is like overflowing with very exquisitely
put together books.
There's gold coins piling up out of drawers
and on top of desks.
There's a huge chandelier in the middle of this room
that is completely made of gold and gem and jewels.
Like the room itself is just one of the most
exquisite places that you feel like you've ever been.
I can't wait.
I've been waiting for this for so long.
Let me see, let me see, let me see.
Well, please.
And I sort of clear a spot
and then I step back and say,
just tug on that little ribbon there and.
He pulls the ribbon.
And the silk sort of float away
and the box kind of opens itself.
You hear a gear move and it goes and it opens
and there's the blade.
My goodness, it's better than I could have thought.
And this was used with the estrel, yes?
Yes, this, I mean, I won't guarantee it won't break
but I basically guarantee it won't break under normal use.
It definitely will not break.
And I don't want to encourage any violence.
But normal use with this could entail a lot of things.
It's very, please don't touch the blade
and of course, free sharpening included for life.
So just get someone to send it to the shop
and we'll get it sharpened up
but it's gonna hold an edge for a long time
and please pick it up, see how it feels.
Grabs hold of the handle and holds it steady.
It's perfect.
The weight is just immaculate
and he starts just waving it around in front of him.
Just like this, yes?
Oh, I haven't done much in sword
but I knew that I needed one
and this was the one that I needed.
Oh my goodness, he continues just walking
around the room parrying
and jumping towards the wall and the sconces
and gets it wrapped up in one of the large tapestries
that are hanging on the wall.
Oh, please, please allow me, allow me.
Perhaps I need to take a lesson or two.
Yes, I mean, if you need the name of a sword master,
I of course know many.
You could just maybe train with something less sharp.
Of course, of course.
I will go down to the sword master
and have them give me a lesson or two
before I head out on an adventure of sorts
which I do have coming up here not too long from now
which is why I needed this.
Do you? Yes, yes.
What kind of adventure are you going on?
There's apparently rumor has it up in the Mii Mountains
a bit of a treasure hoard
which is rumored to be stashed
by one of the pirating groups.
Interesting.
So heading out in the next couple of days
I'll take in a few lessons,
recruit a few people to come help me
and then just see how it goes.
That's what the adventuring ways do, adventurers do.
That's what I hear anyways.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, I see quite a few in my shop
and they're always just very, just out for a good time.
The adventuring life.
Break out of these four walls, am I right?
You hear a clearing of a throat behind you
and you turn and you see Neven's everything done in here.
Yes, I think so, Ignatius, you're happy.
Yes, yes, totally happy.
And he swings the sword again and nicks his fingers.
Ah, son of a...
That was on me.
And maybe while he's doing that
I am gonna pocket a few of those kind of loose gold coins
because he's not gonna notice.
Sure, slight a hand with advantage.
I think this is your first roll.
It is.
That's a 16.
Perfect, yeah, you're able to grab,
when I say they're literally like rolling out of drawers,
like you can grab a handful or two if you wanted to
and you manage while he's trying to wrap up
a piece of fabric around his hand to stop the bleeding.
Yeah, and he's using that silk
that was really gorgeous and expensive and important, so.
This will stem the bleeding.
Yes, everything's fine in here.
I'll have somebody look at this in a moment.
That was totally on me.
No worries, no worries.
Not going to take any sort of legal action against you,
but we need to make sure that you're making
all the best weapons for my new adventuring party.
That's right.
I mean, it is now your sword and your hand
and your establishment, so.
Yes, yes, yes, of course.
I can send the doctor up on my way out
the house position.
Good idea.
Yes, I'm gonna put this down here.
I'm getting a little lightheaded
and he sits down behind his desk.
Just let yourselves out.
Yes, please send the medical professionals up.
I won't move a muscle.
I'll be right here.
Two of you walk back down the stairs
where you're able to flag a doctor.
Yeah, I assume most of the finer sex work establishments
would have an on-staff doctor,
so I'll send them up to 10 to Ignatius.
And when we're leaving,
I'm gonna give those gold coins
to the two guys working the door.
Sure, yeah.
All done in there?
Oh yeah, you bet.
Here, I got a little something for you.
You're working hard out here.
It's gonna get cold tonight.
Probably something to keep you warm.
Fret yourself to a warm mug of ale.
Oh, thanks so much.
Thanks so much, Bonwyn.
Yeah, yeah, come any time.
You're not around here very often,
but I appreciate it.
Not many people tip the bouncers.
And you two make your way back down the stairs.
Off to find a tavern or an inn
to celebrate the evening.
Yeah.
Back in Brewed Awakening.
Oak is up on a table.
Of course he is.
Boys night.
Swinging his shirt around.
Hey, give Lauren!
Hey!
Yeah.
I'm right here.
I thought you couldn't hear me for a second there.
No, loud and clear.
What's next on the plan?
I have you, I don't know.
I have something in mind,
but I don't know if you've played it before or maybe.
It's called We Surely Haven't Done That.
Maybe you're familiar.
I just never, I've heard of it.
I've surely never played it.
So I got a drink and he takes a big drink.
Okay, so you know the rules.
Yeah, we're gonna have to ask the questions
and do the thing before it gets too wasted
and falls and cracks his head open.
Then I got like a health and safety thing,
workers compensation, I don't even know.
Yeah, you know what, Pinch,
we've maybe over-surfed him a little bit here,
so we'll try to get through this pretty quick.
Okay, I'll help you down.
No, thanks, thanks for that.
You see some at the table.
How do you play Surely Never Done?
Well, first you ask a question
of what you surely haven't done.
I surely never been this drunk before.
And he takes another drink.
Just like that?
Oh, yeah, well, all right.
Pretty quick on the draw there, O.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
Surely I have never slept on a mountain peak.
Oh.
So you drink if you did it or not did it?
You drink if you did it.
Oh, I never slept on a mountain peak and bench.
I slept on the mountain peak, a drink.
I mean, it was a lower level mountain for me,
but yeah, same.
What was the name of the mountain?
I was Lich Mountain.
Lich Mountain, whoa, you've been around, man.
That's like on the other side of the way.
Oh, yeah, there was a few years where I was younger
and I was traveling all over.
There were a few years where you were younger.
Wow, that's a statement and a half.
And he takes another drink.
Did you want to go next, ask a question?
Oh, yeah, surely.
Oh, we surely haven't filed an 842
when we were supposed to file a B794.
Surely haven't done that.
I mean, it's very work specific.
I know I've never done that one.
There's no paperwork.
I mean, I might've done it.
If I don't know, do I still drink?
Sure, yeah, you can drink.
Be part of the group.
I can't definitively say I haven't done those.
So yeah, sure, take a drink.
Great, now we've all done it.
Okay, I'll go now.
I surely haven't, I surely haven't
double crossed a companion.
Anybody?
Anybody drinking?
What do you mean a companion?
Like, you know, a friend, someone you adventure with,
someone you just hang out with on a regular basis,
maybe a work acquaintance.
Oh, well, when you bring work into it,
he takes a drink.
Oh, okay.
I may have, I may have,
surely haven't done that
and explained in explicit detail, is it?
Look, I ratted out the last guy
for not filing the correct appropriate amendments
to the raises in taxes, okay?
Like he was so against how much tax we charge in this town
and there's not even like,
he said something about like education
isn't even like part of where the taxes go.
It's like, yeah, the schools were closed
before this mayor.
I mean, what do you mean you ratted him out?
Did he do something wrong or was he just bad at his job
and you got him fired?
He was just terrible at his job.
Like he wouldn't stand for anything that we were doing.
He kept trying to report back to Kingstown
about all the things that the mayor does.
Well, like what, for instance?
Well, well, he didn't like how, hold on.
How much is he gonna, he's gonna tell a little bit.
Oh, he's dishing.
Okay, this is between you,
this is between us, us, the Geis Knights.
Oh, yeah.
Geis Knights.
Yeah, no problems.
Okay, so the mayor just loves money
and the only way, because the mayor doesn't work,
so to speak, like really just takes advantage
of the kind people in the city
and how much money they have
and through taxation takes in all that money.
Like I think we're up to, with this latest increase,
like a 75% taxation.
Oh, wow.
And you don't feel like the appropriate amount
of representation has been available?
Uh, oh, well, it's not really for me to say
whether it's appropriate or not.
It's more just the will of the king,
the will of the,
I can't even remember what we call this guy.
He runs the town.
Well, that's the mayor.
And that's the mayor.
The mayor does it.
The king is fine, but the mayor, he taxes.
But wait, is the mayor telling people
that the king has demanded these funds?
Yeah, that's why people don't like Kingstown.
Oh, okay, I see.
They also don't let many people across the bridge
and if you've noticed,
like the bridge is like a really nice bridge.
Yeah, it's a nice bridge.
Yeah.
One of the best I've been on.
They stay on that side.
And then the school really just teaches people
how to make more money for the mayor.
Gotcha, gotcha.
Another question from a bench maybe this time?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I...
Maybe about expedited paperwork for tomorrow?
Oh, good call, good call, right now.
I never have I ever not given a drinking buddy
his business back.
So if I don't do that, then I have to drink.
But if I give you your business back,
then I don't have to drink.
That's right.
Oh, I'm getting pretty wasted.
Well, what do you say you don't drink?
We'll go grab some of that street meat
and then bright and early tomorrow morning,
first thing, we will get this paperwork
through for bench.
That sounds like a great idea.
Make a persuasion with advantage.
I think I'm drunk.
I'm drunk.
Are you drunk?
Russ is conned down drunk from playing Oak.
First roll, persuasion is a 17 with advantage.
We're looking at a 10, so 17.
17.
Yeah, his insight is not great.
Obviously.
Okay, street meat and get you all set up
with your business back up and running
by the end of the day tomorrow.
I could do that.
That's the spirit Oak.
We can do that.
I could do that.
Dream team over here.
Dream team, baby.
All right, where's the meat?
Alydin, you are down at the bottom of the ladder.
You're quiet and you're waiting.
Tally is off a few feet and behind you,
you heard the scattering feet of the children above
and then you hear some heavy footsteps
coming into the warehouse.
It's muffled voices,
but does sound like the same voices
of Kenny's people from yesterday.
You hear them walking through
and then one of them calls out
and it's like.
And then there's the footsteps are a little quicker paced
and they're walking over to where you are
and you hear loud footsteps
on top of the board above you.
Tally.
Yeah.
Get in the crate.
Get in the crate, okay, okay, okay.
Are you getting up in the crate too?
Yes, and I'm gonna drag a lid with me.
Okay, the two of you hop inside.
Are you hopping inside the same crate?
Yes.
Okay, two of you hop inside one of the crates
and it's filled with straw and some old linens inside.
You pull the crate on top of you
when you hear the panel open
and light begins to stream into this cellar
as you pull the crate lid on top.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season three, episode three.
This episode starred Amy More as Alydin,
Carla Maxted as Bonwyn Everbane,
Tom Laird as Kavlaran Goldweave,
and Russ More as your Dungeon Master.
Dialogue editing by Carla Maxted
and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
Our amazing cover art and character design
Our amazing cover art and character designs
are by Matt Garbite.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babiak,
Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden,
Christian Brown, Craig Zeiss,
Barry Mady, Ongorong Kiersing,
Old School Gamer D, L.A. Branton,
Nathaniel Teeter, Luna, and Aaron.
Another huge thank you to some patrons
who provided some lovely pieces of the world today,
including My Name is D,
gave us a saying for the world, Apes Nuts,
and a little hint at a name
that'll come up later in the show,
but Kinney of Kinney's Men,
who made an appearance in last week's episode,
is a name that will be expanded upon in future episodes
from Lawrence William Welsh Jr.
Do you wanna help us build out the world?
Well, we're taking suggestions from patrons.
You can do so at patreon.com slash dumb dragging cast.
And not only that,
we've got a whole other podcast over there
where we're having a blast.
In fact, as I record this tonight,
we're recording two more episodes of that one.
So come on over, listen to the adventures of,
join the community, it's gonna be a great time.
Before, after, during that, whenever.
Did you know we have a newsletter?
There's a link tree down in the description
where you can sign up for our newsletter,
get informed at the beginning of the month
of what's coming up, what's coming your way.
We've got a lot of things that we're very excited about
and we want you to know.
So sign up for that, join us on Discord,
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Those are the three main ones.
If you're doing any or all of those, we appreciate you.
So thank you for listening.
That's it for this week.
We hope you enjoyed the fun.
Have a great week and we'll talk to you soon.
I feel like I want to give Bench a different voice
because I just gave him like a,
huh, you're in here kind of voice.
Um.
We're going for the often hilarious big man, tiny voice.
Oh, that's good.
Or like a classic kind of Arnie voice.
You can go with Arnie, yes.
He's always sounds like he's flexing, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Yeah, a little bit of a strain always.
Hi, guys.
Gah, Kirk of London, ah, it's good to see you.
Oh, come on in.
Yeah, this is better.
Absolutely hilarious.
I only record our voice last time.
We won't laugh at it until this time.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.