Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Two of the three are alive.
Are any of you dead enough to feel okay with being- with- with dying and then having me resurrect you?
Uh, Jonathan's not moving.
Oh, Jonathan, right.
Oh no.
I thought he was-
Hold on, right, we- yeah.
Boobs, get in here.
Is that guy dead?
Are you a doctor?
No, wait. You're not a- wait.
I'm kind of the opposite.
No, it didn't- kind of sounded, yeah, the other way.
And then all- all of a sudden you see, uh, Boobs take out what looks like a handgun and then-
Jonathan- multiple times, but he's shooting him with bullets of necromancy.
And then Jonathan comes back to life.
Mostly it's the gun.
He turns- he turns and says to everybody-
I mean, I thought it was gonna be the staff and then the cheese, so the gun was a big surprise.
Whoa.
Is that an Orcus book?
Oh, man, I was working so hard.
I- I don't- I don't know, is that- is that what it says?
I do the thing that Amy said, where I take Moot's finger and then I put it in my mouth,
and I'm like, hmm, someone had mustard today.
And then, yes.
It was a hot German.
Oh yeah, it was.
Poke your head out, you see this, like, large, worm-like creature turn to you
and it opens its tines and jumps towards your face.
I pull my head back in, and then I start rolling the window back up.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your dungeon master, Rust More.
He, him.
Also with me today is Amy More.
And first again, I was unprepared.
Is Carla Maxted.
She, her.
Rust just wresting control of the podcast from us for a short while.
I am playing Glim, Dragonborn PAlydin.
And Amy More.
Okay, I'm ready now.
She, her, and I play Sullivan Slate, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
He, him.
And Tom Laird.
He, him.
And I play Moot.
Also goes by He, him.
And he's a half-orc, wild magic sorcerer.
And back with us again this week because, well, they're part of the podcast now, so they said in the last episode.
Yeah, we work here now.
We've got from Speltlore, Abdulaziz.
Hello, my name is Abdulaziz.
He, him.
I'm playing Boobs Frankenstein.
And I am a human wizard who has a back tattoo of a wolf.
And I'm a permanent cast member now.
Hold on, is it lower back?
No, it's full back mural.
Oh, okay.
But it's really close up.
So it looks bad.
So it just looks like hair?
It's not close up with the face, yeah.
It's not a close up of where you think.
Yeah, it's not where you think it is.
And Sean O'Hara.
Hey, I'm Sean He, him.
And I'm playing Bonesword, the undead ranger.
Also He, him.
So we covered a whole lot of ground in the last episode.
It really hit those points.
We're gonna dive into the lore here right after we beat whatever this monster is.
But where we always dive into the lore first is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Where you also get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, Neil Buse.
Thanks, Neil.
You're awesome.
Thanks, Neil.
One time, Neil and I, we saved a small town in Wisconsin from being taken over by a corporation.
So I'll tip my hat to you, Neil.
Good job saving that town with the power of dance.
Wow.
Thanks, Neil.
And Abdul.
That was a team effort there is what that is.
We're all touching.
That's what our community's really all about.
See, it's the mental roller coaster that we're setting up.
Last week it was your bully.
This week it was your heroics, you know, partnering in not crime, but you know.
The opposite of that.
Heroism.
We did commit crimes.
We were domestic terrorists.
This is sounding more and more like Footloose.
Dance terrorism.
We've gone from Patrick Swayze to Kavin Bacon.
What's going on here?
Nine degrees of separation?
Six degrees?
All the degrees.
Patreon.com slash dragon cast.
Fuck it, let's play.
So Bonesword, what you saw was this large worm-like creature with like this mouth that opens up like tentacles.
You know in like Blade 3 with the dog that has the mouth that goes like this?
That's what you see with this worm and there's like this beak on the inside.
It rushed up and you quickly wheeled up the window.
What everybody else sees is this face smash into the glass and like crack it, splinters it.
And it's currently trying to coil itself around your carriage.
So glim your head sticking up out of it.
You see this, yeah.
I was just looking in the other direction I guess.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean you didn't see it right away because you were so like wrapped up in what Boobs was saying.
You were looking off in the distance.
I was thinking a lot about whether Orcus was awesome or actually terrible.
And then who would win in a dance battle.
Exactly.
Him or Bahamut.
So you have a lot of important thoughts going on.
We'll give first go to here to Bonesword.
What's going on?
When Bonesword rolls up the window and the worm slams into the window, he just goes,
Worm!
And starts trying to, he starts climbing over the back seat.
To try and get up out of the sun roof that Glim is sticking out of right now.
Get out of the way, there's a big worm.
Can I try and fire breath it or do we have to roll initiative?
Or are you shoving him back down because there's only room for one, damn it.
Well I don't think I have to shove him back down.
I'm a dragonborn, like I am big.
I think he is doing the worm to try and like get up out of there because it's tight.
It is not a large, this isn't a whole roof.
It's not a panoramic sun roof.
Are you shimmying up face to face?
Butt to front.
Butt to front, okay.
I'm just curious, I want to get a visual.
Just know what the visual is.
Okay as Bonesword is trying to wiggle his way out, you can do what you like there Glim.
Great.
I'm going to look at my character sheet for the first time, hours it seems like.
And I'm going to try to fire breath it.
Okay.
Do it, breathe fire on it.
It has to make a dex save.
It's just innocent people just wanting to pet your donkey.
That's right and I lose it.
They were not innocent people.
You were agreeing there for a minute.
Dex save 20, not natural.
Fuck, it's a dextrous worm isn't it.
Well I mean if you think about it.
So I guess I shoot my fire breath and miss.
Just miss.
It's not even half.
It goes right past it.
I don't think so.
I think I just miss.
There was an area.
No I lied.
Takes half.
It's not going to be very much guys.
Better than a miss.
Oh!
That's a pretty good roll.
Ten so five.
Five fire damage.
First you see its skin really contract and bubble up and then you hear this wail
as it moves to try and grab you or bite you with its beak.
That's going to be an 18 to hit.
That meets so beats I guess.
Meets it beats.
Five piercing damage to your probably just it probably you know
just tries to go for your face but like grabs your shoulder.
Okay well I'm unimpressed that he stood on me.
Yeah.
He did hard.
Yeah.
So he sits down and just does nothing for the rest of the ride.
I pout for the rest of the ride.
Well I guess that window looks cracked so what he's going to do is he's going to
awkwardly retrieve his rapier I guess because it's shorter than other things
and ready in action for if and when that window busts either through like the
worm coming in or it squeezes the car enough to burst that window.
You see the worm it's like it's coiling itself around but then you see
more coils like almost like it's doubled in size or there's two of them
now and it's crunching the sides in and the glass is shattering and
cracking more that hasn't shattered through.
Okay well then I'm still I so I wait.
Okay Moot and Boobs you're sitting on laps.
I'm Moot and Boobs.
The crime fighting duo themselves.
Oh god together they're Moots.
So much action is happening around what are you two doing or what did one of you do?
I think we haven't really noticed because the music is so loud.
It's going I've had the time of my life.
And this is the music of Orcus is emanating between us as we read this novel.
What is it?
A book of Orcus.
Prophecy so it's a tome.
So at least Boobs hasn't realized he's pretty into what we're doing.
Whatever it is.
I've noticed like I saw the fire breath out the window.
So I know something's happening.
So I'm going to cast mage armor on myself.
Up my AC to 13.
Sitting on top of Boobs lap.
How does this how does it look when you cast it and what does Boobs see and feel I guess as you mage armor yourself.
You see like kind of like a purplish like light kind of like pulse from within me.
And I guess you get a little bit of it as well.
Splashback.
You're in the first row.
Yeah, you've been creamed.
I've been creamed.
It is a bumpy ride.
It will say as long as you're within sitting on or having him sit on your lap.
It goes to him as well.
You also get a plus one to your AC.
That ain't bad.
Like that.
Okay, there are now two.
One of them is going to continue to try and crush the vehicle that you are in the carriage the car or whatever we're calling it.
And it's going to take nine damage.
I have an indeterminate amount of damage that this vehicle can take.
But I'll tell you when it's hit it.
Sounds arbitrary.
The one that has latched on to Glim, its tentacles begin to close around your shoulder.
That's only a 10.
Okay, I won't do it.
That doesn't do it.
So like these tentacles that you see them, they're swiping at you.
They have like bladed pincers on the end of them.
But you're dodging and weaving out of the way.
Bonesword, we're back to you.
Bonesword sees the worm thing that I'm desperately trying to remember the name of.
Latch on to Glim.
He yells, get out of here worm!
And he pulls out one of his shortswords and starts stabbing upwards through the sunroof.
Okay, two things.
Did you want to roll to actually know the name or do you just want to keep calling it worm?
Oh, actually I'm going to use Hunter Sense.
Yeah, which as I can choose one creature I can see within 60 feet,
I immediately learn whether the creature has any damage immunities, resistances, or vulnerabilities, and what they are.
Okay, you recognize this creature as a Grick.
It's a worm-like monstrosity that blends with rocky terrain.
Damage resistances are bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from non-magical attacks.
Damn, that sucks for me.
Roll to pierce it.
Let's see how this goes.
Well, I guess you could, we could, I mean, you said, it depends if you...
Oh, no, okay.
Oh, but it's resistant, right?
Still takes half.
It's not immune to anything that you're able to determine.
Well, that's a six.
So what does a bad miss look like when you...
I stabbed the roof of the car a bunch of times.
Glim, you just see it poking up and out.
Not even really close to where the worm is.
You're doing it blindly.
Am I getting it?
Get off of my...
What the fuck, man?
There's this thing that's crushing my stepdad's cart.
He's gonna be so pissed.
One of these Gricks is going to try to break the glass in the back where Sully is on the opposite side.
Bring it.
I don't know what this cart looks like or where I am in terms of other people.
In my head, it's such a, like, amorphous...
I'm nowhere and everywhere.
Yeah, so that's a 22.
It bursts through, glass shatters in, and it grabs you with its beak for a five piercing.
Yet, but I readied an action as soon as the glass broke.
It's behind you.
Oh, it's behind you.
Fuck.
But it's like amorphous, I'm everywhere, nowhere.
I specifically said from the other side.
Yes, you did. Sorry, for five damage?
Yes.
That's practically all my hit points.
It begins, you feel yourself being lifted from the seat. It's trying to pull you out of the vehicle.
Not today, slithery bastard.
I am going to...
Hit it with my vorpal sword.
It's a 27.
So that's 10 damage, piercing damage, but I also want to do Divine Smite.
So it also gets 2d8 radiant damage.
Yeah, smite it divinely.
So, that's 11 radiant damage.
Describe to me what it looks like when you kill this one.
Oh, well I stab into it, and then the radiant bahamanian energy flows through the vorpal sword into it.
And it explodes, and a sort of thick, viscous, cream-like liquid explodes everywhere.
And we're all just totally creamed.
Bone sword goes, yeah!
Bone, you got cream in your hole, that's sick.
You gotta get up here man, you gotta get creamed.
Alright, boobs, coming to the rescue. I'm gonna get creamed too.
Hey, we're just here to say that we have a lovely podcast that we want to introduce you to.
And it's called...
Meddling with Monsters.
Our tabletop RPG podcast using the Monster of the Week system.
We love that system, don't we?
We do love that system.
Yeah, we've played it a couple times.
And had a lot of fun, and they have a lot of fun on their podcast.
You can join their heroes as they do battle against giant sea monsters.
Evil corporations.
And very poorly named pastries. Wait, what?
They have exciting mysteries, engaging characters, full sound effects and original score for each episode.
And new episodes every other Tuesday.
Hey, that's convenient because we have new episodes every Wednesday.
So you can listen to them on Tuesday, and then us on Wednesday.
And that would be very good.
So Meddling with Monsters. Find them wherever you download podcasts.
Bobes, you turn around and you look and you see Sully.
His legs are now up in the air as you're being pulled.
Sully, you can take an action if you would like.
As you're being pulled out of this vehicle.
May I?
I'm gonna hit it. Fuck off. Never mind.
I know. I'm gonna hit it with my rapier for fifteen?
Fifteen will hit.
What?
Oh, it's a four. Nine!
That's a D6.
Wait, you rolled a D6 and got an A.
Amy's legitimate question of how do I play D&D at the start of the last session was fair.
I'm not a liar.
Oh, well that's more like it.
Six.
Sully's making wild moves at this creature that's trying to pull Sully out of the vehicle there, Boobs.
Boobs is like, alright, get ready Worm, cause you're gonna get some of that chill touch.
And I touch him.
In a chill fashion.
In a real chill kind of way.
It looks like this.
It's a gentle caress.
That was chill.
That was chill, yeah.
Fucking chill touch, Orcus!
Describe to me what chill touch does.
You gotta know what it actually does, man.
It's got a good name.
There's so many rules in this game.
What did I miss?
Someone chilling?
Chill touch.
Literally nothing.
Oh, alright, nice.
Nice, you're playing the dungeon's way, I like it.
Chill touch.
You create a ghostly skeletal hand in the space of a creature within range.
Make a ranged spell attack against the creature to assail it.
Do I need to be doing this in character voice?
Are you reading it from your book? I think that'd be great.
I did just find it.
The character voice, I mean.
And the spell, Boobs says as he's flipping through the book.
To assail it with the chill of the grave.
Chill grave.
On a hit, the target takes 1d8 necrotic damage.
And it can't regain hit points until the start of your next turn.
Until then, the hand clings to the target.
How many of you doubt that I have average reading capacity?
No, no, no, it's fine.
So, roll a d20 for me.
Alright, here we go.
Wait, fuck.
Here we go.
Four.
Which is okay, because you have a plus nine.
So, you have struck the worm.
Gently.
Roll a d...
Chill touch!
Your 10th level, so roll 2d8 for damage, please.
Alright.
Six.
And one.
You see the flesh of this creature.
You see your ghostly skeletal hand.
But you see this flesh begin to, like, wither away beneath the hand.
And you can see through it.
It also lets out a wail and clamps down harder on Sully.
Shit!
God, Jesus, what you did made it worse!
You're going to take an additional three piercing damage.
As it bites harder into your shoulder.
Fuck!
Sorry.
Oh God, I hope I have a cool scar after this.
Can I...
Do I have eyes on this weird worm monster?
Does it look like it's hurt?
Yeah, I mean, it's wrapped around the carriage, so you can see it.
It's head is still in the back seat with Sully in mouth.
So, yeah, you can see it.
I'm going to, like, kick out the almost broken window.
And then lean out and cast burning hands at this thing.
When you kick out the window, you hear Bonesword go,
Dude!
No!
Has to be done, Bonesword!
It was broken anyway!
Deck save against this bad boy.
Not as good as the last deck save.
That's nine.
Not good enough.
Also, the side of your stepdad's carriage will be a little bit burnt, FYI.
It'll have sick flames on the side.
So that is ten fire damage.
Alright, describe to me what it looks like when you kill this Grick.
It's like when you get barbecued eel at, like, a sushi restaurant.
It just kind of looks like that and it falls off the side of the...
Oh, I guess it's still hanging on to Sully.
Is it still biting him?
Well, I mean, it was actively biting Sully at the time.
But, I mean, as it perishes and the sweet smell of...
Grick.
Of Grick perfumes up through the carriage.
It releases its clamp and Sully's able to wriggle free from the maw of the Grick.
Perfect. I didn't really want it to, like, fall to the wayside and drag Sully down with it.
You guys just keep driving.
Just dragged behind the vehicle.
Yeah, Hyundai hasn't stopped. Hyundai's still going.
The mule and the opossum are just, you know, business as usual.
Just keep plowing on.
All of you take a survey around and it appears that you're out of combat.
Oh, God.
That was not okay. What the fuck?
No. Are you... How are you doing?
Well, my shirt's ruined.
Yeah. There's, like, quite a bit of, like, worm slobber, I guess, on your head or...
Well...
Some sort of digestive juices.
They don't have tonsils in case you wanted to know that.
Oh.
Oh, that's good to know.
They don't. No tonsils, so there's...
See, you had your eyes open in there.
Well, I mean...
Yeah.
Good for you.
I'm real... You're brave and stuff.
Does anybody have a potion?
I think I have a healing spell.
Oh, that would be lovely.
I'm very curious.
Healing.
I was gonna say, I don't know what I gained.
Alright, here we go. I found it.
Wait, hold on a second.
What's the name of the spell?
Yeah, Booms is, like, flipping through.
It's like, ah, fuck, okay.
Bestow curse, blindness deafness, that doesn't seem like it.
Cause fear, distort value, maybe?
I don't know. I think you have to have values to start with in order for that one to make some sort of effect.
What do we got? Faint death, that's not it.
Ray of sickness.
What? No, you said you could heal me. What is this?
Life transference.
Oh, what?
Yeah, this is it.
No. No, thank you. I don't like it.
You sacrifice?
I say no.
Dude, where does it transfer from into? You gotta read that first.
Yeah, that's a great question.
That's true. Would you be taking it from Glim? She's got the most life span of all of us.
You sacrifice some of your health to mend another creature's injuries.
You take 48 necrotic damage, which can't be reduced in any way.
Pretty cool.
And one creature of your choice that you can see within range regains a number of hit points equal to twice the necrotic damage that you take.
Okay, sorry. So you're gonna hurt yourself, essentially, with what I'm getting from this.
Lots of jogging going on here. I mean, I speak it, but I'm gonna dumb it down for moot.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
Is that you're gonna hurt yourself and then I'm gonna get better?
Yup.
And you're gonna do that for me, boobies?
I have a lot of hit points.
You're so noble, you boobies.
Well, I don't really understand the consequences of my actions, so let's figure out what is happening.
Dude, I think this one's gonna hurt. I think this one hurts, like, a lot.
I've never done this before.
While you're casting, I take your book and I'm reading it really closely.
No, wait!
I'm doing it to impress moot, because I think I'm into... him?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, him. I'm into him.
What's the casting time on this one?
One action, so six seconds.
Touch.
I was hoping for another long wind, ten feet away.
I mean, yeah, that's a full minute, yeah.
So you roll 4d8 necrotic damage.
And he's going to take those hit points from himself and give you twice that number.
Is there a lower level?
That's the lowest one.
How many hit points you got there?
I have 72.
71 now, because I took one damage when I fell out of the cart and hit that tree.
Also, I don't know how to use this internet platform, so I've just been remembering all of the numbers that I need to know that are changing.
I don't know how to change the sheet.
Oh, that's fine.
I have a beautiful mind kind of thing going on where I know numbers really well and I can't read.
You know, but I usually hear it's one or the other.
I mean, Bahamut doesn't give with both hands.
It's numbers or words.
Bonesword, as you're flipping through his book, you see that he has a spell called false life, which is a little less invasive.
Dude, dude, dude, dude, slow down, slow down.
Shut the fuck up, I'm doing this.
Dude, you're going to blow.
You're blowing your load on this one.
I'm blowing my load.
Here we go.
Get ready to get creamed, everybody.
Who's like, whoa, I'm still on your lap.
Six, two, two.
OK, there you go.
Roll low.
Eight was the last one, which is the most you could get on that.
So 18 total.
It's not bad.
I don't even have 32 hit points, let alone like that.
My max is 21.
Didn't you take like seven damage or something?
I took eight.
Again, he is an apprentice.
He's very new at this.
Show it off for his new friends.
It's OK.
You're like putting out a candle with a fire hose.
Can I have all of them and have temporary hit points?
You can bring back to full.
So that's eight.
Could I get some spray?
Could there be some offspray for Carla?
Sure.
You know what?
Why not?
Everybody in the first two rows gets sprayed.
Gets wet.
That's right.
Yeah.
Replenish as you see fit.
But not you, Boobs.
Necrotic energy drains life from Boobs and it is creamed into the surrounding
vicinity.
That's a verb.
I'm wiping necrotic cream out of my eyes.
Boobs is looking a little saggy.
You carry along on your path and you travel for an indeterminate amount of time.
But you pull up through the forest path, which opens up into a wide clearing and you
see a creek that cuts through this town that you're coming upon.
But before you get to the town, you see a man standing at the entrance holding
a scroll who sees you and his eyes light up when he sees your caravan, which looks
to, they light up at first and then based on the amount of damage, kind of takes
a step back and rushes towards your group.
Oh, no.
Is it Bonesword's stepdad?
No, that's not Jerry.
It's cool.
I roll down the window and I lean out.
Which window hasn't been broken yet?
Probably a front one.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
I just lean out the broken window.
That moot kicked out like Captain America.
That's right.
Hey, what's up, dude?
What?
Is everything okay?
No.
Do you got a cart detailer here?
We do, actually.
They're closed today.
It's a Sunday.
But, you know, they'll be open tomorrow.
But yeah, come in.
We'll lead you in.
We'll get your horse?
Mule?
A paws?
It would take longer to explain than it's worth.
What's up?
Let's just go.
Yeah, come on in.
Hey, what brings you into town here?
We're here for Orcus Party.
Orcus Party 2020.
A party?
Oh, you're here for the gathering.
Okay, yes, that's good.
I have my own mission and my own wants and desires.
Would you let me tell you a little bit about my journey?
You know what?
My instinct says no.
But I'm willing to hear you out.
My name is Doug.
This used to be my town, Doug's Rest.
My brother, Victor.
He's since taken it.
It's Victor'sville.
If you would sign this petition...
Are you standing at the entrance of the town in order to get strangers to sign your petition?
Well, I'm hoping we become more than strangers.
Maybe friends.
Perhaps neighbors.
Because in order to sign this petition and for it to mean something, you have to be residents of the town.
So what I'm offering is selling you a small plot of land that you could call your own.
It's not a huge investment.
Only 50 gold amongst you.
Totally doable.
But then you're residents and you can sign the petition and I can get the name of the town back.
But I mean, I think by bylaw 7B says that a resident has to live in a town for at least three months before they can do any legal paperwork.
I had those very rules set up.
Is this a scam?
No.
I think that they just want a signature for Simpson.
Welcome to the middle.
Oh, I thought we were doing a duet.
Oh, well, you missed the part then.
What?
Well, if we're doing a duet, then wouldn't you start at the same time I start?
No, you'd like throw it to me.
Okay, welcome to the middle.
Welcome to the middle.
This is what we talk about.
The middle stuff.
Yeah, see, that's good.
Yeah, now that we should have talked about it before.
This is what happens when you get just Russ and I.
Yeah, it's good.
I'm just going to serenade you with our sweet, sweet voices.
That's right.
All right.
Well, this episode has spout lore in it.
Yes.
Sean and Abdul.
And it's our second episode, which means it's our last episode for a little bit until we can convince them to come back, even though they seem pretty on board with it.
Oh, they're into it.
Yeah.
Oh, definitely.
We got them to record separately where you can find them.
And we're going to throw to that right now.
Sean and Abdul, you're from the podcast spout lore.
Could you tell us a little bit about spout lore and what people are going to find when they come listen to you?
Because you should go listen to them because they're amazing.
Oh, thank you.
Spout lore is a Dungeon World podcast that I have tried to describe so many times and failed.
If I had to try, it would be if the events of Lord of the Rings were put in the hands of the cast of New Girl.
That's a good description of it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Who's the Schmidt?
I'm the game.
Yeah.
I think I am.
I think I am, unfortunately.
I'm the game master, Abdul.
I play Tuck, aka Tacoma Dome, the barbarian.
And I don't talk with a New Jersey accent.
I talk with my regular voice roughened up a little bit.
So if the New Jersey accent was putting you off, it doesn't happen.
I do it a lot.
Well, you got to have a fallback, a go to character.
Exactly.
Yeah.
But they can find you wherever you download podcasts and socials at www.spoutlore.com or www.
No, that's our Patreon.
I won't send you to our Patreon.
Send it to the Patreon.
Absolutely.
No.
Patreon.com.
You guys.
I have to because it's funny.
www.spoutlore.com slash money please will take you to our Patreon.
Perfect.
All right.
That's just your website.
Money please.
Here's what I'll say.
All of our patrons, stop donating to us.
Donate to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Yeah.
Wrap it up, folks.
We're done.
Well, because now, I mean, you're a part of our podcast.
Now you're part of the show.
Now you're on this.
So just bring them with you.
We've been subsumed.
So lovely.
Thank you so much for being here with us, guys.
And that's all we have for you right now.
We'll get you back to the episode.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Is this a scam?
No, I want a signature so that the town can be named Doug's Rest again.
How many signatures do you have already, Doug?
I have four.
One of them is my own.
That's not a lot.
I'm sorry.
How many do you need?
80.
Damn, Doug.
I thought the number was going to be a lot bigger though.
Well, it's a small town.
Okay.
There's only like a hundred of us here.
Wait a minute.
You want us to pay you for our signatures is what you're telling us.
Well, no, you're paying me for land.
Land only goes up.
Just look at the Vancouver market.
It's out of control right now.
It's out of control.
See, Doug's Rest could be the next Vancouver.
I, bone so it turns to everybody else, you know, there's something about this guy
that I just don't trust.
I say we do it.
I start reach.
I reach into my pocket.
I start pulling coins out.
Yeah, I have 10 coins.
I'll put it all in.
What color are your coins, Boob?
It makes a difference.
This one boobs looks up at you guys and is like, I have a confession to make.
I'm colorblind and number dysLexic.
You got a lot going on boobs.
Yeah.
I mean, like, but that's okay.
We don't think any less of you.
We all have our struggles.
Possessions, a silver coin.
I pull it out of my pocket.
I say I, I found this one in the coin return of a vending machine at the last
motel we stayed at.
It was a real lucky break.
And I'm willing to put it towards buying some property.
Wow.
Okay.
So we got 10, 10 gold here, a silver.
Anybody else?
Well, I mean, like, if it was 10 gold a piece, that would, I'd be okay with that.
What if I dropped the price?
See, this just seems a little too willy nilly for my liking.
I just want to get my town back, good sir.
But again, you have four signatures.
So for how long have you been collecting signatures?
Well, we don't have a lot of visitors.
Shouldn't you be trying to like talk to the people in the town?
Yeah, talk to the people who live here.
Yeah, they're all kind of on Victor's side.
So I have to.
Right.
So why should we be on your side?
Well, because we don't know Victor.
Because you don't, you haven't met Victor.
Why do they like Victor more than you?
Tell us.
Good question, boobs.
Well, Victor raised wages, lowered taxes, made it so that people, you know, could fish in the creek.
And generally improved everyone's life a whole lot.
What a monster.
Let's move on.
Yeah, Victor sounds cool, man.
Yeah.
Victor sounds pretty cool.
Okay.
Alternately, how about this?
You slit Victor's throat and I can bring him back to life and then you can control him, I think.
Oh, now we're talking.
I'm honestly not 100% sure how it works.
I think part of the end really sells it.
The two NPCs that we forgot that were there, Jonathan's like right on your heels and says, it's true.
We put Jonathan in the trunk, I'm sure.
Yeah, obviously.
It just seems like something we would do.
Okay, well, I mean, that sounds like you guys are staying for the conference, right?
Okay, you say gathering conference.
Guys, none of these things sound like a rager.
I wasn't invited, so it could be a rager.
I bet it will be.
Yeah, probably.
Well, if you got an extra plus one, I'll be standing by the sign.
If you let us slit your throat, we can raise you and you can come.
Roll persuasion.
Yeah, let me see.
Alternatively, I could look at my feature called Heart of Darkness.
Sure.
Yes.
Where those who look into your eyes can see that you have faced unimaginable horror and that you are no stranger to darkness.
Though they might fear you, commoners will extend you every courtesy and do their utmost to help you.
I don't roll anything against that, it just happens.
As far as I think you made this man, you tell me.
It just happens.
I think it makes sense that I should roll it though, but he is willing to hear me out because of the horrors that I have faced.
Okay, tell me more.
Tell me more.
Well, that's a nine.
Tell me a little more.
Basically, what we do is murder you.
Okay.
Although you're letting us murder you, so it's more like euthanasia.
We do that and then Boobs here does a pretty cool thing and then you come back and you're fucking sick.
You can't feel pain anymore.
You don't have to sleep.
You don't have to eat.
Well, you don't get to eat.
That's kind of a downside.
I don't feel the disappointment from my mother.
No, dude, you're freed from the burden of life.
That's what Orcus has to offer.
Okay.
Well, let me think on it.
You guys are going to be here for at least a day.
Yeah, you know where to find me.
I'll find you.
Okay.
He's centered, walks, pondering, looking down at a scroll and counting his four signatures,
one of which, two of which are his.
He signed it as Doug and Victor.
That's right.
Even Victor's name is on here, you guys.
He's not going to check it.
Gotcha.
You guys head into town.
It is a small town.
There's not many places.
There is a gathering outside of what looks to be the Inn and Tavern, which is named...
Oh, no.
I don't have a name.
I just had a laugh.
We're coming up with a name.
Sure.
Oh, were you pointing at us for a name?
Yes, he was.
Applebee's.
His name?
Applebee's.
Because there's a bunch of apples in the attic and a ton of bees.
Yeah, they feel like a bee problem.
It's a side honey business.
And the attic is locked.
It's owned by a lady named Gertrude Applebee.
She is well-known for her cider that involves live bees.
With the honey, right?
In the consumption.
Yeah.
And also, there's bees in the cider.
Adds texture.
And if you get stung by a bee while you're in there, you get a free cup of cider.
Oh, fun.
Are you writing this down?
Because that means the bee survived in the cider long enough for you to drink
it alive, and that's good luck.
Also, it tells to the freshness of it.
She just makes a good product.
Just quality.
You head over there, and there's a wide variety of...
It's an assorted bunch that you see just milling about outside as you pull up and
hitch up.
If you hitch up your mule and opossum, I'm not going to tell you how you treat your
animals.
Well, with respect and care.
I hitch up the opossum, but not the mule.
So I tie the opossum to a post.
Well, they're attached, so I get it.
And not like a string from the opossum to the pole.
The opossum is tied to the pole.
Upside down, so it feels comfortable.
It's how he likes to sleep, yeah.
How do these people look?
Do they look radical, or do they look like...
Are we talking golf?
I'm imagining them.
Yeah, there's a real new wave crowd about them.
And then there's the mix of some more hooded, dark figures off in corners,
quietly talking to themselves.
But for the most part, they got a real cool vibe about them.
So it's a real cool vibe apart from the hooded figures who are talking to
themselves in the corners?
Yeah.
And all the bees.
So many bees.
Everywhere.
Oh, Amy would not be okay in this party.
Man, this party's going to be fucking sick.
I'm so excited.
Anytime you see a bunch of bees, you know it's going to be a problem.
It's buzzing with excitement.
Is there food here?
Oh yeah, there's a bunch of wings over here.
Just a plate of wings.
Just one plate of wings.
Yeah, just one plate of wings.
Yup.
That's it.
It sounds like not a lot of food for the amount of people who are here,
but...
I go and I take one wing and I just hold it.
Yeah, that's going to become currency later.
If I could smell, I'd be really enjoying the smell.
Do you want me to eat it for you and fully describe the flavors that
I'm tasting?
Would you?
I would absolutely do that.
I would love that so much.
Here you go.
Okay.
So I take a bite.
Wait, hold on.
Is it a wing?
Is it a drumstick?
What am I working with here?
It's the wing part, but my thumb went through the middle,
so it's kind of falling apart.
It's like hinging, like a nutcracker.
That makes me unhappy.
The thought of someone poking their finger through the middle of a wing
is just like, ah, ah, ah, why?
A dead person.
And then handing it to somebody else.
They're like, yo, can you pass me that wing?
Be like, sure.
Sully has eaten in a while and got bit by a big worm,
so he's going for it.
He takes a bite off the side with the skin.
Crunchy skin, real crunchy.
It's got a good crisp to it.
A little too salty, a little too salty.
It's got some good like mesquite going on there.
I think it was like maybe all apple smoked,
I think is what I'm tasting here.
Moot, taste one of these wings.
He's going to know.
He eats all the food.
You've got a massive boner right now.
Moot, can you just...
It's an actual bone.
That's my femur.
Oh, that's probably now at a real wrong angle, my friend.
It's, I can't get it back in.
Fair enough.
Sorry I brought it up.
I think maybe they've used like a honey butter or something as well on these.
Like, oh, they're just fantastic.
Very delicious.
I'm sorry you can't enjoy it.
Did the description though, did that, is that like eating?
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to go sit down.
Okay.
This episode of Dumbgeons and Dragons is brought to you by Wapplebee's famous wings.
Come get them with the honey flavor and there's bee flavors
and sometimes there's like crispiness in there
and then sometimes it's too salty.
Come get some wings.
That's right, Applebee's.
If you want to sponsor us over here at Dumbgeons and Dragons,
we'll describe wings.
You know where to find us.
While this is happening, I've pulled out my pamphlets
and I'm sort of like eyeing the crowd for who looks like a likely target
for some chit chat about Bahamut
and I think I'm probably going to approach one of those loners.
Sure.
Talking to themselves?
Well, they need some company.
Yeah, you head over to one of the dark corners
where one of them is just kind of hunched over and talking.
You hear them kind of rocking.
You don't hear them rocking.
You see them rocking and you hear them murmuring to themselves.
Raise the dead and then we're going to party after.
It's going to be a great time.
Hi.
Hi, it's so nice.
Hi.
It looked like you could use maybe a little company.
And I don't know if you've heard, but the best company,
a guy who's like always with you in your heart
and in the world surrounding you with justice and love and peace is Bahamut.
I don't know if you've heard of him.
No.
I've got a pamphlet if you want to look.
He seems engaged in your pamphlet.
Glim has never had that reaction before.
It's her dream.
Doesn't know what to do.
Glim just freezes.
Cutscene 20 minutes later.
Can I have the pamphlet?
Glim's like, you can have all the pamphlets, throws them at him, runs.
All of you see you're kind of looking around the room.
I mean, Glim has gone off and is pamphleting people.
But you see there's one kind of eccentric individual kind of jumping back
and forth between people like they're perhaps the host of sorts.
And they catch your eye as you're having your wing.
You've gotten a cider by this point, for sure, if that's what you've ordered.
Oh, definitely.
He runs over, doesn't walk, runs over.
Pleasure to have you.
Nice to see you here.
What can I do for you?
Wow.
You just brought a very extreme energy and I'm here for it.
What's your name?
Jason.
Okay, Jason.
Jason Halfman Zoukas.
Jason Halfman Zoukas?
Right.
Why are you so excited?
Well, because we're here.
We're having this rager.
I mean, Lich Astley and the Magic Magic Missiles are going to be playing later tonight.
Is he ever going to give you up?
Never going to give you up.
Never going to let you down.
Orcas is going to rule all and then you won't desert you.
Well, that's what I hear about him.
Are you like this because of the cider?
Yeah, no, no.
Unlike this, it's a natural aura I give off and eventually people just kind of come up to it.
Yeah, I can feel myself getting there.
The room is vibrating.
Guys, my heart's beating real fast.
Did you get the gift baskets?
They are gift baskets.
They're bags.
I oversold it.
They're just bags.
What's in them?
You can go pick a bag.
Yeah.
And I push through the crowd and I run to the bags.
You're following Bonesword and there is a table and there happens to be one, two, three, four.
It's a regular plus two.
Seven.
There's seven bags left.
And as you get there, Jason's just over your shoulder.
You just get one.
Just pick one.
Are they all the same?
No.
Ooh.
Glim's wandered over because all of her friends were rushing towards the table.
She wanted to see what was going on.
You see there are seven bags.
Gosh.
Whoa.
You're new.
Yeah.
Have you heard about Orcus?
Have you heard about Bahamut?
Oh, let's go talk.
Let's talk.
Can I get a bag first?
Yeah, sure.
Take a bag.
Okay.
So you each open your bags one at a time around like it's a birthday party.
And it's everybody's birthday, but you have to open the presents one at a time, obviously.
You got to take turns.
Yeah.
This is a good way to do it.
You guys all know how those group birthday parties work.
The rules are you open one at a time.
So says Orcus and so says the Bahamut.
Or whatever it is.
I can't believe no one's made that joke before on this podcast.
Who let the gods out?
Bonesword, you're the first one to open your bag and you find in it what looks like a really great hat.
I put it on right away.
Chapeau.
I take off my backwards leather cap and put on the fancy hat.
A really great hat is a large, fantastic pirate hat with a bright red feather.
The feather is magically connected to the hat and cannot be removed.
The hat grants plus one on perception rolls, but disadvantaged to stealth checks.
Well, I mean, well, it's a loud hat.
Bonesword's taken the hat off his head and he's yanking on the feather.
And he's like, check it out.
It doesn't come off.
Oh, sick.
That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
That is an indestructible hat.
And then when Bonesword puts it on, you hear very quietly.
I'm pumping my arms.
Over in the corner you just hear one guy is like, where'd all the rum go?
Oh no, Johnny Depp is here.
Sorry, we'll kick him out.
We'll get him out right away.
What's in your guys' bags?
It's not going to be cooler than this, but I still want to know.
Moot, you open up your bag and you find a strange amulet.
It's an unassuming amulet of unknown origin made from a strange deep green stone strung from a black string.
Something is strange about this thing, but you can't quite put your finger on what it is.
Cool. It's strange, everybody.
That's a really weird necklace, you goddamn Moot.
It makes me a little uncomfortable for some reason.
Not just because you're wearing it. I mean, it looks good on you.
Well, I haven't put it on yet.
It would look good on you if you did, is all I'm saying.
Jason pokes his head over your shoulder. He says, oh, you put that on and you get, I don't know what this means,
but you get resistance to necrotic damage. Additionally, the string is immune to all damage.
Who's Jason?
Jason Halfman-Zukas. He's the host.
I don't know why.
The very energetic fellow who ran up to us.
Yes, I don't know why I didn't think your name was Jason. I even repeated after you.
I'm not memorable. It's okay.
No, no, no, man. That's not what I'm saying.
Hold on. Russ, that's a pretty good Jason Manzinger.
Thank you.
I just want to say that's pretty good.
It's really good.
Who's next? Sully, you open up your bag.
I start, I just open it really slowly and I'm like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
You find that you have, you open them up and there are hand wraps inside.
Wait, wraps? Wait, what?
Hand wraps. Like they're like a box of fabric that can wrap around your hands.
Did you just make that up to go along with my?
No.
It's on the page.
Oh, those ones give you, you know, when you get into little fisticuffs and you get to sprawl.
All the fucking time.
Punch a little bit harder.
You know, plus one to unarmed attacks.
Oh, I'm putting these on and I'm never taking them off.
They're going to get sweaty.
Yeah, they are.
Glam, you opened up yours.
What does your bag sound like as you're opening it?
It sounds like when you're in a theater.
I know it's hard to remember.
That was so long ago.
Probably anyone was in a theater, but someone's trying to open like a hard candy.
And for some reason, it is the loudest noise that exists in the world.
Because he's trying to do it quietly, but it means the worst.
You're doing it slowly.
But it's so loud.
It's so loud.
For some reason, it's just the texture of the bag.
Make a religion roll as you open your bag.
Heck yeah, I will.
It's Glam's time to shine.
That's right.
Buckle up, fuckers.
It's not that great.
Fifteen.
Would you believe I have a plus zero to religion?
Yeah, I know.
There's a coin inside this bag.
And on the coin, there is a holy symbol of Joaquin.
Phoenix?
The Joker himself, yes.
Yep.
It is now.
It's just the face of an unknown person.
And Half-Man Zookas comes over.
That's Joaquin.
Cool.
The coin's engravings are filled with a strange ash that will not wipe off.
So while using this spellcasting focus to make a spell attack from the cleric or pAlydin spell list,
you deal an additional 1d8 necrotic damage if the attack is a critical hit
or if the total is greater than the target's AC by five or more.
So for all your divine stuff, you get an extra d8 when you crit or get five above.
Cool.
Of necrotic.
Is the ash in there from the Ring of Fire?
Yes.
Did the flames go higher?
I mean, Joaquin fell into the Burning Ring of Fire.
Burn, burn, burn.
The flames went higher.
That was a deep walk through like that.
I like to make very vague and random references.
They'll get it.
It's just Johnny Cash listening to this.
It is.
And I try to just put one little...
We pander to our audience, we know.
Boobs, you open yours and there's a deck of cards inside of it.
Oh, shit.
It's God's card.
Cards.
Is that what it is?
You got the deck of many things, friend.
You won big.
What does it do?
Well, hold on.
When you pull a card, there's a whole bunch of different...
I pull a card immediately.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Okay.
Yes.
I don't wait for it to finish talking.
Also, I would like to say, I haven't said this yet, but it happened a while ago.
Boobs has like a baby bjorn that he put on John.
Oh, my God.
And he's been dangling in it for a while.
Also, Boobs is only four feet.
Perfect.
So really, if anything, Jonathan's wearing the baby bjorn and Boobs is...
Yeah, that's what it is.
Boobs has been dangling in the baby bjorn that John is wearing.
Amazing.
In the baby position.
In case that wasn't clear.
Have you been just strapping that into him during this whole thing and he's just like talking around you?
Like, oh, okay.
All right.
You've got a hat.
Whoa, okay.
That's tight.
Okay, you roll a d20 as you pull your card.
This could be really bad.
Or really great.
18.
I'm not even going to look at what it does.
I'm just going to tell you which card you pull and then we'll find out together.
You pull the Queen of Spades, which is your rail.
I'm going to say it's bad.
Your Yale.
Usually the black ones are bad.
The card's Medusa-like visage curses you.
You take a minus two penalty on saving throws while cursed this way.
Only a God or the Magic of the Fates card can end this curse.
Okay, I'll pull another card to try and get one of those.
Oh, okay.
Boob says bad impulse control.
The chaotic nature of this is great.
We're going to tank your podcast.
You're going to have to work your way out of this hole.
You roll one more and we'll see what happens.
Three.
Well, that's less bad, right?
TBD.
You pull the moon card.
Sounds good.
The moon is great.
The moon cycles.
Gotta love the moon.
Roll a D3.
So roll a D6 and then we'll have it.
Rolling again's a bad sign.
Six.
So you are granted the ability to cast the wish spell three times.
Okay, what does that do?
Can I give people wishes?
Is he a genie now?
Essentially you're a genie.
Oh, shit.
Okay, so you pull the moon card and Jason Halfman-Zuchas comes over to you and says,
Well, you're cursed.
But you have three wishes.
What are you going to do?
I can get three wishes?
You have three wishes.
So I can make three wishes any wishes I want?
Yes.
Before you say anything else, you can use them at any time.
So I don't have to use them all at once?
No.
Dude, Bonesword runs up.
He grabs boobs.
He's like, dude, we could do anything.
He puts his hand on my mouth and wrestles me with a grab.
Shut up.
And Jonathan, too.
Yeah, I've wrestled both of them to the ground.
Dude, shut up.
Do you understand what this means?
We're gods now.
Boobs is like, well, I'm going to use the first wish to make this the most epic party ever.
And he wishes for this to be the best party in the world with like everything added.
You hear the band kick up.
Lich Astley and the Magic Magic Missile starts playing that sweet, sweet hit.
Never going to give you up.
And that's what we fade out on as streamers are going, fireworks are going off.
They're barking, it's fucking wild.
The 60 people who are at this party are having the best fucking time of their lives.
60 people so far.
There's still 20 left in this town that hasn't shown up yet.
I'm thinking about you.
Every single minute, every day, the whole night through.
I want to be with you.
Say you want it too.
Every single minute, every day, until my life is through.
Dumbgeons and Dragons Season 2 Episode 93 is starring Amy More as Sully, Carla Max dead as Glim, Tom Laird as Moot, and Russ More as your dungeon master, with special guests Sean O'Hara as Bonesword and Abdul Aziz as Boobs Frankenstein.
Find more from Sean and Abdul by listening to Spelt Lore at speltlore.com or searching for spelt lore wherever you listen to podcasts.
Editing, production and sound design is by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Kavin MacLeod and Epidemic Sound, and sound effects from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Kat Waterflame, Stevie, Jacob Madden, Devin Michaels, Christian Brown, Aaron Stevens, Lulahan, and Charlie Warley.
Support Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions and get access to an exclusive podcast and bonus episodes, all while helping us unlock the special Grant's Flameykins episode,
Escaping the Abyss, when we reach 100 patrons at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
You can also follow us at facebook.com slash dumbdragoncast and on Instagram and Twitter at dumbdragoncast.
Thank you for listening. Have a great week. We'll talk again soon.
Your voice has been everywhere.
Shut the fuck up. I'm a good voice actor.
Hold on, wait, let me try again.
Bon, you got fucking cream in your hole. I can't remember it all. What did I sound like?
A little more Jewish grandmother.
Bon, fuck. This is how I do it.
You did New Jersey. You were doing a New Jersey accent.
It was kind of a New Jersey kind of thing.
Okay, this is how I sound.
Yeah, there it is.
You got there.
And you're willing to do that for me, boobs?
Shut up.
I have a lot of hit points.
Sorry, do you want me to say that again without a dog barking in it?
And you're gonna do that for me, boobs?
Man, I live...
The dog's just like, again.
One more time so you can do it better.
When you say boobs, I'm gonna bark.
Say it like you're mad at him.
Say it like you're underwater.
Okay, now can you do it, Elvis?
Okay, here we go. I wish for Orcus to get here right now and start this party.
I won't do that because I think it would ruin your game.
I was like, did he just plunge our babies into the darkness?
Wait, wait, wait.
Some things can't be forgiven, Abdul.
I won't do it.
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