previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Well, let's just take one step back.
If you were in need of something, would your solution just be to softly sing about it?
I'm going overboard!
Shut up, Jonathan! She loves me!
Well, I found the hammer and nip. What are you doing?
Don't let them out! What if they're just trying to tell you that they're not calling the siren?
Well, it seemed like they really couldn't help it when they were being called, and now they're sort of just more normal.
Sully was being quite abrasive before. I mean, more than usual.
You see this wave arc up and over top of the boat and slam down on top.
Oh, what the fuck is wrong with this water?
But then you look back and you see Mut up inside this water elemental, spinning and churning within it.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master, Russ More. He, him. Also with me today is Amy More.
Ah, yes. She, her. And I play Sullivan Slyte, a lightfoot halfling rogue. He, him.
And Carla Maxted.
She, her. I am playing Neryxious Akra, better known as Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin. Also, she, her.
And Tom Laird is here.
Yeah, that's me. He, him. I'm playing Moot, who also goes by he, him, and he's a half-orc wild magic sorcerer.
And we've got a couple very special guests today joining us from spout lore because Twitter was like,
hey, you guys need to play a game together. So that's what we're doing. First up, Sean O'Hara.
Hi there. I'm Sean, he, him. And today I'll be playing Bonesword, also he, him.
And Abdulaziz.
Hello, my name is Abdulaziz. I am he, him. And I'm playing Boobs Frankenstein, also he, him.
Yes, you are.
Obviously. Only a man would choose a name that horrifying.
This is a name Abdul has been pushing for a long time.
I've got a lot of questions about Boobs Frankenstein, but I'm going to hold back until we're in the episode.
I thought Bonesword, cool name.
And then I heard Boobs Frankenstein and I was like, I'm sorry, Sean.
I don't know. You've got a lot of appendage is going on.
One is more outwardly stated than the other.
One is just a euphemism. Come on, my Bonesword.
You're getting boobs. I mean, you get, you know, you're getting boobs.
We're covering, covering as many bases body part wise as we can.
Absolutely.
We're inclusive is what we are.
We'll fill in the rest as we go. And it's going to be like a bingo card.
So folks, get out your body parts bingo card and just see how many you can cross off.
Everyone gets the head free square in the middle.
That's right.
We've got bones.
I was going to put that as a butthole, but I mean.
Oh man. That would have been a smart move.
It's OK. I play a lot of bingo.
We've got bone. We got boobs.
We got Frankenstein, which is technically all of the other body parts.
That's true.
Plus extras.
Bingo. Episode's over.
Frankenstein have boobs?
I've got more questions. I'll figure it out.
You know what? Save all your questions for when we get in there.
When you join us on Patreon, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
you get an episode dedicated to you like today's patron, L.A. Branton.
L.A. Branton.
Thanks, L.A.
L.A.?
Yes.
Yeah.
Do you want me to say it again? L.A. Branton.
That's a cool name.
Yeah.
Two initials. I like that.
That's my bully from high school.
Oh, God.
Well, they are a patron Abdul, so I'm sorry.
We're going to go with them.
You're going to have to thank them.
I mean, they did get the money.
They heard you were going to be on and they messaged me like this is going to be a real mindfuck for Abdul.
Oh, man.
Starting with real good energy here.
All right. Let's play.
Moot, Glim and Sully and your shipmates Captain Dorban and Jonathan
lay sprawled out on a beach in the inlet you were in previously.
Waves lapping calmly on the shore as the wild magic fog is slowly dissipating.
None of you are conscious at the moment.
We see the barge right in slowly sinking,
kind of like the Titanic with the stern way up in the air and bubbles roiling all around it,
sinking deep into the inlet below.
We hear the sound of carriage wheels coming up a path just off in the forest
and the sound of two voices coming up the path towards our downed heroes.
No, I'm telling you that the best three cheese dip that I've ever had was back in Targonia
and it was cheddar, old cheddar and young cheddar mixed together.
That sounds like it's just like it was just melted cheese.
It was just a melted block of cheese.
No, it was not melted.
Oh, all right.
I can see why that would be the best one because it's like transportable.
Like you can pack it with you and you just eat it on the go.
It was shredded, shredded, not melted, loose.
I miss eating so much.
Thank you for telling me about this though.
I really appreciate you like kind of debriefing me on foods whenever we whenever we're on the road.
You come around this bend and you see this site before you five individuals laying.
It doesn't look like they're sleeping.
It looks like they've been in a scuffle of some sort.
Some have cuts and bruises and like bits of blood pouring from them.
Bits of blood pouring from them.
You're on caution.
Shut up.
Oh my God, look at all those bits, man.
They're everywhere.
There's so many individual pieces of blood all over the place.
You almost never see that.
God, it's congealed.
They're in pretty bad shape regardless.
Anyway, so my second favorite three cheese dip that I've ever had.
Hold on. No, hold on.
Well, we'll get we'll get back to it.
Are these people dead?
Probably a good place for us to start.
I'm going to I'm going to go check them out.
Bone Sword hops down off the cart and goes to check out the quote unquote potential bodies.
Yeah.
How do you check that you just kind of like check for how do you check them?
I don't know.
It's hard for me to check a pulse because I don't have one myself.
Bone Sword is a very gray pallid looking I'm going to say like 19 year old, a strong five nine
and like maybe one seventy but less because there are some parts of it missing.
And he is wearing a backwards leather cap and a cut off leather vest.
And he crutches down to just poke the nearest person.
Closest to you would be either a halfling or a half or half either way.
I'm going to go for the hole.
I'm going to poke the half work.
Oh, boobs.
These this one's alive.
Get used to it.
It's your name.
You chose this name.
I know.
And that's that's a problem because it's so fucking funny.
I forgot for a second.
And I was like, what a funny choice of like.
Oh, no.
Boobs.
I used to say, oh, tits.
But somebody yelled at me one time.
So I tried to I wound it back.
Yeah, we're fucking woke necromancers.
Literally, he's awoken from the dead from hell.
Sully, you begin to stir as a wave kind of pushes you over.
Yeah.
OK, to two of the three to the three are alive.
Fuck.
God, this is disappointing to me.
You know that this is disappointing to me because I would prefer to find dead people
so we could raise them and then impress those people at that orcas party that we're going to.
Exactly.
I mean, the situation really could go either way still.
So let's just let's just hold on.
See if this other one's awake.
You go over to the dragon porn and give her a good shake.
Oh, oh, bah, bah.
Oh, yep. It's all three.
Sorry, man.
Are any of you dead enough to feel OK with being with with dying and having me resurrect you?
I'm going to say no for me.
I'll look around.
Are Jonathan and Captain Durbin.
Dorbin.
Thank you.
Are they are they still unconscious?
They appear to be still unconscious.
Yes.
And Moot is still unconscious as well.
Am I now conscious?
Yeah.
I said you woke up.
You said I was stirring.
You choose your level of shake.
Wait, there are boobs.
There are two more.
We might we could still we could still take this home.
Wait, do we not have three?
Are there more than three people here?
There's five.
I only saw the three at first.
The other two were under all that kelp.
Shit.
Sorry.
You know, I have number dysLexia where I want to get out of the I want to get out
of the cart and come over here and help me deal with these people.
Please.
I'm still on the cart.
And I am like, OK, I will choose to get off the cart and come and help you.
And Russ, can I roll to climb off of the car and walk over to help him?
Roll a dexterity saving throw.
So roll your D20.
OK, just roll 20 dice.
What does that one say?
I have 20 somehow D1s.
So I'm just going to have to add.
I got it too.
You fall flat on your face and you're going to take.
You hit like a tree, like a root that's coming up out of the ground.
You're going to take one bludgeoning damage to your face.
I told you that that slim robe was too tight.
You had to go for the boot cut.
It's not that tight.
It looks good on me because I feel like I mean, it is weird that it cuts so low
that you could see the top of my butt crack.
But because it is one of those boot riders.
What the fuck is this called?
The robes that are split in the middle.
So there's a top half and a bottom half.
I don't know.
Let's let's call it boot rider.
Just get fantasy world.
Please come over here.
Oh, God.
Wait, who's what?
Why am I wet?
I'm so wet.
Are you guys?
Are you Sully?
Are you OK?
Well, yeah, I'm wet though.
Yeah, me too.
Moot Moot.
And I I've gone over and I'm shaking him.
Yeah.
Oh, thank goodness.
OK, I guess we should we should check on Captain Jonathan.
Hold on.
Wait, wait.
Like the captain.
Sure.
Jonathan.
Well, I mean, I said the captain first.
And then when we get around to it, we can check on.
Oh, well, I mean, we could probably eat something first.
Maybe just check and see where we are.
Yeah.
Figure out where the boat went.
Maybe.
But just put the kelp back over Jonathan.
Figure out who these two are.
Hello.
Oh, yes.
Hello.
Oh, yes.
Just stand in there over unconscious bodies like weirdos.
We thought you were dead in our defense.
Yeah.
That is our trade.
And what?
Wait, hold on.
And then what?
Oh, you were looting.
Were you going to?
And I check my pockets.
We're not we're not thieves.
We're nearly.
Go on, label yourself.
Well, I mean, I'm not I'm just I'm bone sword.
Oh, nice to meet you, bone sword.
I do like I do like a cool pose.
When I say bone sword, I like.
Bone sword.
I fLex.
Wow.
Yeah.
What are you five, nine?
You look strapping.
Yeah.
Like.
Yeah.
Like on the on the button.
Hey, look how tall this guy is.
I wish I was that tall.
Yeah.
A lot of people do.
And and you over there.
I'm and I'm walking up.
My face is bleeding a little bit.
I'm like, hey, what's up?
My name is Boobs Frankenstein.
I'm sorry.
What?
My name is Boobs Frankenstein.
And now is that with one O or is there a U in there somewhere?
It's two O's, but they both have umlauts over top of them.
Oh, not where you think they are.
Oh.
Wait, your boobs are.
They never are.
Well, OK.
Well, I seem to have all my stuff.
So I think they're being kind of honest when they say they want stealing from us.
No, I mean, I was interested when you said that like dead people were your trade
or your what exactly did you said something along those lines?
Yeah, I'm a I'm a necromancer trainee level 10 human wizard.
I don't know if we say our levels.
No, but it's real cute.
Keep going.
I don't know how diegetic the fucking level thing is.
But that's usually a secret Abdul.
You're not supposed to tell anybody.
Oh, you're not?
No, I'm totally doing.
This is common parlance in the world.
Yeah.
Bones are like, you're level 10.
Man, I'm only level four.
Like, why did you get so many levels?
Are you guys part of like a pyramid scheme or something or like?
No, it's not a pyramid scheme.
Is it a cult?
We do report to someone above us, but it's not weird because they report to somebody above them, too.
Oh, so it's like, oh, I bet you that there's some people below you then.
Yeah. Well, I mean, hopefully one day.
I mean, keep shooting for the stars.
Does Bahamut do this?
Like he's at the top and then now people below him.
And then are you would like you must be like a level 100 or something.
Right, Glim?
Well, I mean, do we all have levels?
Bahamut really doesn't.
He's like about equality and justice.
So it's not so much like a real stratified sort of level system.
Although if there was, then I probably would be like a level 100.
I mean, obviously, number one, number one fan.
So, Captain.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where's the boat?
Shh, shh.
You're going to wake Jonathan.
Just don't.
Where's the boat?
He sits upright, like just straight up.
Where's the boat?
We're not on the boat?
No.
No, we're on.
See, we're not on the boat.
So I would think a captain would know whether or not you are on or off of a boat.
You think as a bare minimum of captaincy, you would know boat or no boat.
Isn't that the first question on Captain Test is like, are you on a boat right now?
Yes or no?
If it's not, it should be the first question.
It probably should be.
It is.
I'm on a boat.
I never forget.
I'm on a boat.
Motherfuckers, don't you ever forget.
Flippy floppy's on.
Yeah, OK.
No, I don't have my Flippy Floppy's on.
OK, but you seem to have forgotten.
That is a fucking crazy pneumatic device.
Pneumonic device.
No, it's pneumatic.
Yeah, it is powered by air.
It's fine.
He looks out into the inlet before you and sees just the last remaining bubbles
coming up from the sunken barge right in.
Well, did you?
Nice to meet you, Captain Dorman.
Did you see a boat going down?
Uh, I mean, hard to say, really.
We were like, uh, no.
Well, it's probably where the boat is.
Under the water.
The water, yeah, that would be my guess too.
Yeah.
Traditionally, where it should be on top of the water, it is now under.
Do we have a spare boat?
That's my question.
No, it was on, I mean, the dinghy was on the boat.
So both boats have sunk.
Why, not a fucking thing.
Okay, yeah.
And yet we need to get to Tether.
Well, I mean, there is land.
Well, we're going to Tether.
Yeah.
Oh, hold on.
Oh.
No way.
Yeah, we can give you a ride.
We have a carriage of indeterminate size that has not been established at all.
It looks enormous.
We got to stop in between for a work thing, but like a networking thing.
But if that's cool with you, you can come along for sure.
Oh, I mean, I love networking.
I love networking.
Glim just...
Yeah, it's kind of Glim's middle name.
Would it be okay if I handed out pamphlets at this networking event?
Yeah.
I think it's like a pamphlet thing.
Yeah.
Guys.
Yes.
Oh, hold on, Glim.
Check your pockets, girl.
I'm soaked.
Oh, shoot.
Oh, no.
I keep the pamphlets in this special oil skin folder so that they are always dry, pristine
and ready to spread the good word of Bahamut to whoever I might meet.
Speaking of which, have you guys heard about Bahamut?
Because he's like this real cool guy.
Super chill.
Hey, guys.
Yeah.
Jonathan's not moving.
Oh, Jonathan, right.
Oh, no.
I thought he was...
Hold on.
Yep.
Is that guy dead?
Are you a doctor?
No, wait.
You're not a doctor.
Wait.
I'm kind of the opposite.
No, it didn't...
Kind of sounded, yeah, the other way.
Yeah.
Yeah, Captain Dort was like steps on the leg, trying to get him to move.
He just kind of slaps his face a little bit.
Yeah, he's not...
Anybody know CPR?
First aid?
Anybody hear a first responder?
Hold on.
Let's think about this for a second.
Just for a second.
Uh-huh.
Is he dead, Dad?
Because, I mean, like, do we...
Hold on.
Better question.
Do we still need him?
Well, we weren't supposed to deliver him.
We were going to take him to his sister's.
But they didn't say alive.
They were not specifically clear.
I don't think they needed to specify that.
I thought it was assumed.
Do you think there would be a reward if we did bring him in not alive?
Reward might be the whole other way that we're going to be looked at when we get there with the dead John.
Yeah.
I feel like his sister might be mad if we get there and he's dead.
Honestly, I think she'd be madder if we bring him dead than if he just doesn't arrive
because he's not really due for a couple more weeks, so...
Okay.
All right.
Do your thing.
Well, remember when we were in that big battle with all the elemental
and you used all your healing stuff to heal Moot so he wasn't dead?
Yeah.
Sure.
Right.
So...
Counter proposal.
Yes.
What have you got?
I don't know if I've introduced myself to everybody.
Some of you were unconscious when we showed up.
My name's Boobs.
That's my first name.
Last name, Frankenstein.
So call me Boobs, everybody.
And use my first name a lot, please.
Okay.
As much as you can.
You got it, Boobs.
Where's the Frankenstein name come from?
It's Slovakian.
Oh.
Is there a long line of Frankensteins?
There's, you know, like, our family, we very much, like,
we're made up of a bunch of other people.
Do you know Kneecap?
I met him once at a party.
I do know Kneecap.
Kneecap Preggetstein.
Yeah.
That's him.
Same guy.
Hair?
He got hair.
And the eyes that kind of hang out a little bit?
He does have eyes that hang out a little bit.
My family is all necromancers.
I come from a long line of necromancers.
I was trained to be a necromancer,
which is why I was like, wondering, do you want me?
Like, one thing we could do for your friend is, like,
you're talking about healing him, counter proposal,
just slit his throat and kill him.
I can't do it.
One of you guys has to do it.
But then I will bring him back to life,
and then you have an undead guy with you.
So.
Well, now, what if he's already fully dead?
Yes.
Then I can also bring him back to life.
Okay.
So the throat cutting isn't required.
But we wouldn't have to do any throat cutting.
I would suggest just slit it anyway, just to know.
Yeah, it's like an industry standard kind of thing.
Could I smother him instead with my shirt or something?
I mean, yeah, you might just have to cut his throat after that,
but that's fine.
I'm just going to double check.
Bonesword walks up and starts slapping this guy in the face.
Feels good, doesn't it?
Boobs walks up, too, and he leans over and just screams
also while Bonesword is slapping him in the face,
repeatedly over and over again.
Bonesword's yelling over the screaming.
This works 100% of the time.
If Sully had a cell phone right now, he'd be videoing this.
It'd be all over YouTube.
Yeah, there's no movement.
Like, this is a frail, like, teenager, you know,
pimples everywhere, just patchy.
Goes by the shadow.
So, deserves every slap you're giving him.
Yeah.
And his body's just limp, like,
rolling back and forth at every move.
Yeah.
Not waking up to any screaming whatsoever.
Man, I think we got a fresh one, Boobs.
Okay, and so if we could maybe not,
because, I mean, I think that my compadres here are correct,
that we probably want to bring him generally unharmed
if he's all, like, cut up in the throat area
that I think they're going to know.
You can, I mean, you can usually cover that stuff up, though.
Like, it's, and Bonesword lifts up his shirt,
and he's got a hole cleaned through his chest.
He's like, you just cover it up, and, like, nobody knows.
You want him, this guy cannot wear a scarf.
Come on, look at him.
Most people can't pull it off, that's true.
Yeah, he can't pull it off.
Traditionally, how long do people,
when you bring them back, how long do they,
I guess, quote unquote, live, would be the question?
How long have I been?
Like, six months?
Yeah, you died six months ago
when you tried to backflip into that swimming pool.
Yeah.
And then I brought you back to life.
The longest person I've ever brought back to life,
they live for an indeterminate amount of time.
Can I roll for this?
So they are still living.
You're creating the world around you.
You can do what you need to do.
You can say a number.
I can say any number.
Just go for it.
Any number you want.
Sure.
They lived for 50 years, but, and I'm 19,
but they aged backwards, because I fucked it up.
Right?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Go back.
You died by flipping off a diving board?
Yes, this is what I'm wondering too.
How did you get the hole?
You really did a bad job with the flipping.
Well, the pool was empty,
and there was an old volleyball net in there,
and I landed on the pole.
And then I was just,
you might notice the hole's quite a lot larger.
It's because I was trying to get off,
and I was just like banging it bigger and bigger.
Right.
As one does when they are impaled.
It was pretty sick though.
The backflip was tight.
Worth it.
If he didn't die,
he would have gotten so fucking laid that night,
it would have been crazy.
Yeah.
I can believe it.
So is it okay not to mutilate this guy's body?
I mean, I guess.
It's fine.
It's just fine.
He just belongs to really important people, you know?
Like the owners of, where are we going?
Tarmac?
Tether?
Yeah, the queen there.
He's related to a queen and two kings.
He's their annoying little brother,
so if he could be mostly fine and alive,
I think that's probably good.
Right, guys?
I mean, he can't come back any weirder
than he already was.
Oh, that's certainly true.
Well, that's true, yeah.
How long do you guys think it's going to get you
to go until you get to that place?
Because he's going to get gray eventually,
and then after that, he gets like a bunch of other colors.
Right.
What?
Like rainbow?
No, maybe.
So far, I'm just like this kind of purple-ish.
I think it looks pretty striking.
Oh, yeah.
You're like a big bruise.
I mean, really, the five foot nine and purple combo,
chef's kiss.
Pretty sick.
But like, this is pretty, you can tell I'm dead, right?
Yeah, yeah.
He starts poking his face.
Totally.
Yeah, so.
Well, I mean, we've probably got a few days' travel
between where I think we are and the capital.
Honestly, they mostly ignore Jonathan.
So I think as long as he's kind of like perambulating,
it'll be fine.
Well, if he wears his like shadow hood,
they probably won't even really be able to see him.
Yeah, he wears that outfit.
That's true.
I think it's fine.
Yeah, days should be fine, right, boobs?
Yeah, we can keep him alive for a day.
We can keep him alive for longer.
I mean, you guys are talking about days.
Lenny's been alive for months.
I mean, Bonesword, not Lenny.
Bonesword, please, Bonesword.
Lenny was my alive name.
Before name.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Yeah.
So, okay.
So, you know, enliven him.
Yeah, what do we, do you need us to like.
Can we watch?
Should we go or light a fire or just.
You're going to want to watch.
Oh.
It's awesome.
Can see Abdul squinting at his computer.
This is I imagine this is boobs squinting at his notebook.
Do this again.
Just make sure I have everything here.
Spell book out.
I know I have this one in here.
I mean, it works for works for Bonesword.
Yeah, I've only done it like twice.
Yeah, he is once fifty years ago.
Boobs is a very novice and despite the fact that he's like level 10, he's very
like not new.
He's pretty new at necromancy.
Book smart.
He's like a book smart level 10.
Just starting to dabble.
Yeah.
What?
Hey, Russ, what move?
It's going to be called animate dead.
Yeah.
It kind of describes yourself.
I have chill touch.
I think he's already pretty cold.
It's when you're relaxing a chill touches.
Chill touch, bro.
It's under your third level spells.
Should be the first one.
Ooh, ray of sickness.
That's what he cast on me just before I did the back flip into the pool.
Perfect.
That was so cool.
Sounds about right.
Gentle repose.
This is just like flipping through his fucking notebook.
Got this one.
Like it's a cookbook.
Do you want to make him look like he's gentle reposing?
He looks kind of gentle.
I mean, he kind of has that just naturally, I think.
He was pretty useless.
So I honestly feel like he's generally gently reposing all over the place.
Okay, here it is.
Free ride in it.
Animate dead.
I have to be 10 feet away from him to do it.
And it takes me one minute to do.
Okay.
So there we go.
I'm going to animate this dead guy and it's going to take me a minute.
And I have to stand 10 feet away from him.
You can be within 10 feet of him.
Why do you have to be so far away?
You could be right next to him.
Why do you want to get any on you?
It's like a magnifying glass trying to burn an ant.
You've got to be the right distance away at the right angle.
I get it.
I'm like the lens and then the power of whatever, orcas, has to fire through my body and then refract.
The power of whatever, orcas, I guess.
Again, he's a novice at this.
Abdul, we normally don't pay attention to casting times, but you drew so much attention to it.
I'm curious if I set a stopwatch and then you describe what you do for one minute.
I could do that for sure.
Sully pulls up a seat, is sitting down on a piece of driftwood about 10 feet away from the body,
and has brought out soggy snacks.
You tell me when you're ready.
Bonesword's standing right next to him with his hand over his mouth going,
yeah, pumping his fist.
So, count down?
Count me down, Bonesword.
Go.
No.
It's the middle time.
Welcome to the middle.
It's where we talk.
About things.
In Canada, we call the middle.
The middle-y.
There we go.
It's like all Canadian show, so I wanted to have...
I mean, I guess when it's us, it's also an all Canadian show, but this is like...
An ultra-all Canadian show.
An ultra-all Canadian.
Two great podcasters tweeted on the internet that finally got together.
Hey, Abdul and Sean, are you laughing as hard as I'm laughing just thinking about the game that we played?
So funny.
They really got us.
Russ had chatted with them.
We didn't know them, and they just came in with boobs right away.
I like it.
Boobs Frankenstein was like one of the first things that was said.
So good.
What we want to tell you to do now is because we didn't give them the opportunity because we were having so many goofs and guffaws, is to go listen to Spout Lore because they bring that heat all the time on their show.
Little known fact, if you guest star on Dumbgeons and Dragons, you don't get to promote your own podcast.
We'll promote the hell out of it for you.
That's right.
Spout Lore.
Go listen.
That's right.
Anytime I go on, I always feel awkward about selling my own stuff.
So this is better, I think.
We're doing them a favor.
Yeah.
We're doing their plugs for them.
Exactly.
The housekeeping out of the way.
Unbiased opinions.
They're great.
Exactly.
So Spout Lore.
SpoutLore.com.
Go listen to them.
If you can, support them because they're a lovely Canadian podcast and we want to promote the Canadian podcast.
Also, you can find them wherever you're listening to podcasts.
Is it podcast again?
On that podcast device that you're listening to, just type in Spout Lore and then you've found it.
Now hit follow or subscribe, depending on your app.
Download or subscribe.
Download all the episodes.
All of them.
Just at once.
Maybe go review an episode.
Fill your phone up with podcast episodes.
Give them some love.
Yeah.
Review on Apple Podcasts or what's that other one?
PodChaser.
PodChaser is a good one that frequently gives donations and stuff for reviews.
So go support them too.
Look at this.
It's just a good support session.
We're just plugging everyone in.
So much love.
I think people probably really appreciate the step-by-step instructions in the middle of a podcast about how to listen to a podcast.
They've just stumbled upon it and made it this far.
See, that's the thing that a lot of people don't understand when they listen to podcasts is how to listen to different podcasts.
Exactly.
So go listen to Spout Lore.
SpoutLore.com or .ca.
I can't remember actually now.
Try them both.
Spout Lore.
Just find it.
If you found yourself accidentally somehow in this podcast and didn't know how you got here, now you know how you got here.
So go do that for them.
Oh, and stay here because listen to the second half of the episode.
Because the immediate next scene after any potential ads that are coming after this is just so good.
Solid gold, man.
Also, it's .com.
Nailed it.
We did it.
.com.
Okay, bye now.
Love you, bye.
Bye.
Count me down, Bonesword.
Go.
No.
Okay, so Boobs takes out a fucking bow staff and then he starts doing a bunch of crazy bow staff moves.
And he runs up real fast, wails on Jonathan like a few times, and then runs back to ten feet as if he is scared.
And then he pulls out two bags of three cheese dip.
Throws them both on Bonesword.
Just loose granules of cheese.
And then Bonesword, and now it's slow motion.
So pause that.
Pause the timer because it goes into slow motion.
We've switched to bullet time.
We turn into bullet time.
And then you guys see the quality of the light changes and Bonesword is dancing amid the shards of cheese as they descend.
And then Boobs is throwing more and more cheese on Bonesword.
And it's still bullet time.
And then all of a sudden you see, and then you can hit regular time again.
And then all of a sudden you see Boobs take out what looks like a handgun and then multiple times.
But he's shooting him with bullets of necromancy.
And then Jonathan comes back to life.
Mostly it's the gun.
He turns his head to everybody.
I mean, I thought it was going to be the staff and then the cheese.
So the gun was a big surprise.
That was fucking amazing.
That was amazing.
I feel like I just witnessed something.
Fiery dance moves, Bonesword.
Thanks for practicing.
Necromancy is a lot about the pageantry.
That's like half of it.
You know what, I really noticed that.
There was a lot of flair.
Do they teach you that?
Is that a spice you've got to put on yourself?
Self-taught. Never took a lesson.
Wow.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
All right.
So, hey, Jonathan, you with us?
Yeah.
How are you feeling there, bud?
Why do I feel like I've been shot with cheese?
You're going to want to stand up slow.
The blood will not be rushing to your head.
OK.
So you need to prepare for that.
Yeah.
Your body is mostly animated by, you know, a dairy and some like necromantic energy that is going to discharge over the next like
Yeah.
Undetermined amount of time, however long you stay undead for.
OK.
So how long is that?
You tell me.
OK.
Literally.
Cool.
Tell me how long you live for and then I'll know how long I can bring people back to life for.
Well, OK.
We'll find out.
We'll check back.
I feel real drawn to you.
He has that effect on people.
It's, you know.
His name is Boobs Frankenstein.
Oh, that's cool.
He does have sort of like an ineffable sort of attractiveness.
Yeah.
Like an animal kind of magnetism.
Yeah.
I'm just going to follow him around for a little while.
That's cool.
How about you put your cloak on?
That sounds perfect.
You should definitely put my cloak on.
Yeah.
You should probably become the shadow again.
Oh, where's my cloak?
Why am I naked?
What?
He's naked?
Is that?
I'm sorry.
Part of the process.
We forgot to ask whether or not Jonathan was full.
I assumed the kelp was covering him.
I don't know.
OK.
Does that just happen during the necromancy?
Yeah.
When I came back, I was 100% nude as well.
Spontaneous nudity is what.
OK.
You're naked and there's extra holes.
What?
I don't know what happened.
Well, because I was shot with cheese, right?
You said?
No, no.
Oh.
You should be fine.
There should be no holes.
Am I shot with necromancy?
I shot with bullets and necromancy.
I'm going to have to explain these later.
Who's seeing you naked, Jonathan?
No one will ask.
OK.
No one will ask.
That's sad.
Also, it'd be rude for people to be like, what's that hole?
It's a bit.
You're right.
People can see a pretty incredibly sized hole in a person.
They will not say anything.
OK.
That's why it's still cool for me to go to pools and stuff.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Really, you still go to pools even after the accident?
Yeah.
No bad memories or anything?
I mean, it sounds like it wasn't pretty fucking sick flips, though.
Can you really have a bad memory of a pool?
You can have a stressful memory of a pool, but they're all good.
Right?
I mean, that's true.
Because you're in water on a hot day.
Also, Glim, did you say a swear?
Well, because I was talking about.
Wow.
I mean, he was doing awesome X-Games flips and stuff.
Yeah.
So it seemed like.
Got him so proud of you right now.
OK.
Let's get in this wagon.
Let's get this show on the road.
Yeah, yeah.
Jonathan has donned his robes and is following really close behind boobs.
Like uncomfortably close.
Frankenstein.
Yeah, because what boobs is created is an undead servant.
Perfect.
Which is boobs now.
Nice.
You took an NPC from them.
Thank you.
And we're thrilled about it.
We will never be able to repay that kindness.
This kindness that you have visited upon us.
We have a couple other NPCs we really don't like.
So if you guys could come back.
That's true.
If you would care to do any Zumba with us.
Ouch.
I will say I don't know if guns exist in this world.
They do now.
I mean, they do now.
Necromancy guns do.
Necromancy guns specifically do.
It's a thing.
Welcome to creating your own world.
Yeah, it could be your spell casting channel thing that you use.
Your focus.
Yeah.
It's of your own design.
That's right.
Actually, we designed it.
We drew it on the back of an envelope one night.
And if we're being real, two guests ago, Michael Howey had a gun.
Oh, that's right.
It's true.
He just never used it.
Because sometimes it's just fun to have one and not use it.
Just it be around Chekov's gun, you know.
That's right.
Exactly.
Oh, boy.
All right.
So you go climb into this wagon, which no one has described.
So it's tight.
What?
Come on.
No way.
No one described it.
It could be huge.
Because Abdul said of an indeterminate size.
And then I turned and went, wow, that looks like a freaking huge wagon.
It's about the size of a 1992 Hyundai Sonata.
There's no way we're all going to fit in there.
I mean, you can fit a lot of people in a 1992 Hyundai Sonata.
How do you work the front seat?
You have to tip it forward, then push it?
I'm unfamiliar with this type of carriage.
There's like two latches.
Here, I'll show you.
And I go and I mess with the things and slide the seat forward, pop in.
Oh, well, you made it look so easy.
I'm going to go in through this pot in the back here.
There's like a little window that pops up.
I'm getting in here.
I'm crawling through the little window at the back.
Is there a sunroof on this?
I'm just asking, just so I know.
Is there a sunroof on it?
Yeah, there's a sunroof.
Yeah, definitely.
I feel like we might need one because I'm quite tall.
So I might have my head out of it so that I fit.
Are you party girling?
Sure, yeah.
It's like it's prom.
Exactly.
You're going to have a never been kissed moment.
You're going to kiss at someone.
And then Sullivan's sleigh is just going to explode with pride.
All right, so the mule there will take off.
Where did you guys say you were going?
And what business was it?
What's that?
Doug's Rest?
Yeah, or Victorville.
Yeah.
I don't know.
We found different maps with different names of the same place.
Yeah.
Oh, that's confusing.
It is.
It sucks.
It's hard enough to read a map.
Doug Victorville should just, you know, buy the names.
Oh, Doug Victor sounds like an important person.
Yeah, enough to have both of his names in both names of a town with two names.
Totally.
Sounds like a vampire who does accounting work on the side.
You guys have been places, seen things.
Well, we know like one vampire, Doug.
We only know Doug.
Oh, cool.
We're self-employed.
So.
What else we get fucked by taxes?
I hear the taxes are really brutal if you were to pay them.
So you all pile in.
It's a super tight fit like you're, you know, shoulder to shoulder.
It's so tight in here.
It's like cheek to bowel.
Come on.
Some of your, you know, some of your contents are spilling out.
The book falls out of your bag.
Oh, shit.
You dropped a book.
Hey, here.
And then Bonesword reaches down and picks up the book.
You dropped a book.
Oh.
Oh, thanks.
So what?
I didn't even.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, I glanced at the cover before he takes it.
You definitely recognize this as having infernal runes on it.
And you catch the title, which is.
What was it?
Portals and such?
No, that's the other game.
That was in the other game.
Oh, God.
That was the other game.
I just had two timelines.
Yeah.
There's so many timelines.
The prophecy of Orcus is what you see.
And I lean back and I make this face at boobs.
I'm like.
Excuse me, sir.
Your eyebrows are so high up in the air.
Oh, sorry.
I don't have a lot of control over my facial muscles anymore.
Nothing.
That checks out.
So do you guys like.
What kind of bands do you guys like?
Do you like Alchemical Romance or like.
We like to sing.
On road trips.
Yeah.
Do you ever listen to Welcome to the Black Flame Parade?
I'm also pretty.
I've been getting really into Blink Dog 182.
If.
Anyways.
I wish I had like band funds ready to go.
Yeah, there's also fall.
Fall out.
Halfling.
Summoner 41.
But I think that it's just.
Summoner 41.
I like I like those guys, though.
Yeah, that's good.
Avril Lavigne.
Metallica Urgy.
I'm sure that we got more at us.
We'll find him.
Now we'll find them now.
You guys want to play like a like a road game or something?
Yeah.
It's going to blow past your fucking question.
I've just tried.
No, no, no, no.
I'm just trying to like.
Bonesword's just blathering to try and act like he's not interested in the book.
Yeah.
And boobs is like, whoa, is that an orcas book?
Man, I was working so hard.
I don't I don't know.
Is that is that what it says?
It's a wait, Russ.
I literally forgot what the name of the book was.
Prophecy of Orcas.
Orcas and stuff.
It was just Orcas book.
They can't read it.
Orcas for dummies.
Prophecy of Orcas, an autobiography.
Whoa, is it signed on the inside?
Russ, we don't know that that's what it we don't we can't read it at all.
Correct?
No.
How did this book come into our possession?
It was back in Hardcastle.
You took it from the mayor.
Scared off Mayor Barron.
So.
So like I spy or what were you thinking?
You suggested a road game.
You know I love road games.
I'm sorry.
I got it.
I got to circle back to boobs.
Yeah.
Because if this is an orcas book, then it's something pretty important.
And you should probably not have your foot on it right now.
I'll take it.
Oh, sure.
No, you probably shouldn't hand it.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'll just put it back in my bag.
You can read the weird runes.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I can read some.
Boobs taught me.
Well, Boat, actually, I think Boatsword, you can you actually have an intrinsic
understanding of the runes because your brain is animated by, you know, orcas
light or whatever.
Fuck.
I don't know any of the stuff.
No, I like it.
Give me the orcas light.
No, no, no, no.
Give me the orcas book.
I'll open it.
Hold on a second.
I've been trying to tell you boobs, I've been animated by necromantic energy.
Infernal energy is a totally different thing.
Who's driving this car this way?
It drives itself.
Don't worry about it.
Okay.
It's fine.
That's Hyundai.
He takes control.
Hyundai is an undead opossum that's pulling the mule.
He said mule.
I was going to say mule opossum.
Yes, and there's an opossum riding the mule.
Oh, it's so cute.
100% there is.
Yep.
They were both animated at the same time next to each other, so they're functionally
one entity.
Oh, so they get separated.
And bonded.
It's bad, yeah.
Just really do not separate them.
Nope.
I'd like to roll Insight.
You want to play the game?
What?
You want to roll the die?
I thought that was just a duel thing.
What have you been doing?
Hold on, hold on.
I didn't.
I didn't sign up for desk.
We're only making dual do things to play the game.
I signed up for making up fantasy equivalents of early 2000s pop punk bands and that's
it.
That's right.
If you go quiet for a long time, we'll know what you're doing.
Can I roll for Sully to do an insight thing?
No, your rules don't control me, Abdul.
What are you trying to insight?
I'm trying to figure out if their intention is to snatch this book.
If they're like, okay, so Orcus bad guy, but I mean, not everyone working for Orcus
has got to be a bad guy.
These two seem pretty cool, right?
Like, you know, it's like an MLM situation, right?
All MLMs are bad, but not all people working for MLMs are bad.
Some are just confused.
Some just want that Jamberry money.
So for example, for example, I don't know.
Just a random example.
Definitely a recovered MLM person.
So you can roll in Abdul for boobs out of game.
Is he trying to steal the book or does he just want to read it?
And if he reads it, though, I want to know.
He's not going to like.
You can't know everything.
I want to know if he's going to read like a fucking spell and murder us all.
You can't read his mind.
OK, are you trying to look at it just to read it or are you trying to steal it?
I'm not trying to steal it.
I just want to look at it because you roll insight.
OK, because I want to know if what he's planning is evil.
Well, that was a net one.
So just completely unbranded.
You believe everything that you believe.
He's totally like he's been totally falling in love with boobs.
He's forthcoming with you on everything.
He's so powerful.
He's brought Jonathan back.
Well, I mean, that's a negative against him.
He's giving us a ride.
I mean, it's.
Yeah.
These guys are pretty awesome.
I mean, like, you have no reason not to trust them at this moment.
We're all stuck in here.
It's like, where are they going?
Maybe we could just get some more information from them if we let them just read.
But like, don't, you know, like, don't like cast some sort of horrible spell that turns the world completely evil or something like that.
OK.
Is that what Orcus does?
Orcus is like is we heard some negative stuff is all it's like I told like, you know, we're Team Bahamut.
Yeah.
So and then Orcus is kind of like the opposite, I guess.
And so that naturally makes me think that if Bahamut is all like good and stuff, the Orcus is like bad and stuff.
Did you not know?
That does not track with what we know about Orcus.
Yeah, no.
Are we talking about the same the same dude?
Oh, shit.
Are they about to proselytize up in here?
Glim, are you ready to get a spoonful of your own medicine?
You guys want to hear about the word Orcus?
Boobs, take it away.
Look, this is what we know about Orcus.
Orcus is a is a whale party god.
He is half Orca, half Rockus.
One hundred percent good time.
That's what I know about Orcus because I saw it on a poster in a different town.
And that's why we're going to the town that we're going to, Victorsville.
I love everything about that.
I mean, that does sound pretty good, right?
Sounds pretty cool.
That sounds really rockin, you know, like I mean, goodness and equality and stuff.
That's great.
But I mean, pot Orca, that's like a that's like a kind of pig, isn't it?
Well, hey, if they can if they can read the book, maybe we can get some more info because the book said what?
The prophecy of Orcus.
Like what he's all about.
Yeah, that should give us some like insight into what's going on, right?
Yeah, as long as you don't roll a one.
You still get something if you roll a one.
I didn't.
So maybe I'll just like sidle right on up next to boobs and we'll read this book together.
You can like walk me through it.
Are you going to hold one side of it?
And he's going to hold the other side.
So you guys are like reading like I would assume as much.
Yeah, just elbow to elbow.
Yeah, bone sword climbs right over you to let you into the middle seat so you can sit next to boobs.
All right.
All right. So boobs, you're reading this book.
Yes.
Yeah.
And moot has shuffled into my lap and I've got my arms around him like it's that scene from Ghost.
I'm fully on board with this.
Okay.
Rolling his finger.
Hold on.
Did you take his finger and lift it to your mouth and lick it and then turn the page with his finger?
I mean, I would have to assume so if we're recreating.
It just seems right.
Is it okay?
Boobs is...
Wait, can I roll to see how okay moot is with this?
I don't want to do anything that he's not.
I mean, you can just ask him.
You can roll something if you want to or you can just ask moot.
That's totally fine too.
But when you are ready to read the book, I'll get you to roll percentile dice and I'll tell you which passage you find first.
Okay.
So I do the thing that Amy said where I take moot's finger and then I put it in my mouth and I'm like, hmm, someone had mustard today.
And then...
Moot's all like great, but boom.
Nothing else.
It was a hot German.
Oh yeah it was.
Boing, boing, boing.
Bone Sword has an air horn.
I mean, that tracks.
That definitely does.
I am assuming he used it as he was flipping to his death.
I have two, just both hands.
He's got holsters for them.
Custom leather work.
Okay, so you flip to your passage.
Please roll percentile dice, which should be two D10s.
One should have a...
Wait.
Go ahead.
How does moot react to, I guess, my sexual attacks?
I kind of glance over at Sully and I'm like, I don't really know what to do, but okay.
Whatever.
Just get with it.
It's not what you woke up expecting to want, but now that it's been presented, okay.
I'm not opposed to it.
Sully's a little jealous, frankly, sitting there like...
I can show you the world.
That needs to be behind that paywall ring.
Get that jazzy out of here.
Nobody was talking over it, I can cut that clean, it's fine.
Okay, so I roll.
Well?
Yes.
Two percentile dice.
Okay.
So I put my hands around them.
And then we do the finger thing.
And then you hear, I've had the time of my life.
Fuck, that's not the right song.
I know, but I mean it's Patrick Swayze.
Patrick Swayze.
I'm going to let it go.
You had a 50-50 shot at getting that right.
I got 48.
Just in chat here, I drop the passage that you find.
So it says, prophecy of his rise and the rule of all the planes bringing the end of pain, suffering, illness, and the burden of life.
And here's the thing, I chose not to pay attention to where any of the commas were in that sentence.
It fits and starts, so your listeners are going to have to go back and listen probably a couple of times.
Punctuation in Infernal is really complicated.
Yeah, and I feel like when you're following along with a finger, it's a lot harder to hit the right beats.
Well, especially if it's not your own finger too, so it's a little awkward.
But that doesn't sound that bad, you guys.
It sounds awesome is what it sounds like.
No more pain and suffering?
I mean, the burden of life part maybe was a little...
Well, maybe that's just like one page.
Maybe if you find a different one, maybe it gets back to that party stuff you were talking about.
I was hoping for more orca, like more whale stuff.
Yeah, like how did he become a whale?
I thought he was a pig.
Boobs, should we find another passage?
Yeah, let's flip to another page, just another random page.
Give me another roll.
Here we go.
Come on, 48 again.
And then it goes, I've had the time of my life.
You did the same one.
Same song.
33 this time.
Okay, then you find this passage.
I love reading it first.
Yeah, sleeping with the DM.
I get all the good lore.
That's right, I do.
Scrape the cream lore off the top.
Cream lore is a band that we saw last week.
Yeah, it sounds dope.
I haven't seen a band in a really long time.
Everyone in the first three rows gets creamed.
That's what we call it.
Sit in the splash zone.
Like, okay.
Whatever you're thinking about, yes.
Oh, okay, well done.
It's all in there, I've been to that one too.
Oh, what?
You too?
I'm a captain, you've got to go to these things.
Really?
Yeah, part of the captain's log.
Question one, are you on a boat right now?
Question two, have you ever been creamed at a concert?
Have you ever been in rows one through three at a concert and been creamed?
And been creamed, yeah, it's pretty precise.
It explains a lot about your captaining skills, to be honest, if this was the exam.
It was a pretty tough exam, grueling, if you will.
What does that book say?
No, no, no, hold on, hold on.
We've got to talk more about concerts we've been to.
One time I was creamed at a Korn concert, that was pretty good.
Korn with a C.
Right.
That's the fantasy equivalent of Korn with a K.
That's right.
So this one says, orcas will gain the powers of the gods by destroying them one by one.
Okay, so that one seems in a dance-off, he adds.
Oh, wow.
Well, hold on, no, how do you gain powers from a dance-off?
That seems a little not technical enough.
And obviously if there was a dance-off, Bahamut would win because he has the power of righteousness moving through him to give him the best moves.
You've obviously never been creamed at a concert.
Yeah, it is not about righteousness, let me tell you.
Well, death of gods, that sounds bad.
No, no, no, no, not death, destruction.
Oh, well.
Oh, hold on, so he takes the powers and just leaves them powerless and helpless?
I mean, what's the syntax in Inferno, I'm not great with it, but like destruction just kind of broadly is like not like, you know, ending, like an end.
Like when you say defeating, you don't necessarily mean like killing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, like if I like I destroyed a plate of nachos last night, you don't think that I killed those plate of nachos.
I mean, I kind of, I would kind of think.
Okay, okay, okay, so what if I were to say I was playing my loot last night and I destroyed Rod of Wonderwall.
You would not think that I killed it.
I just did a really good job.
Yeah, absolutely.
So he's just going to do a really good job with them one by one.
Yeah, you're getting it.
Is this a sex thing?
I can't say.
Well, I mean, nobody can, these are gods.
Our brains cannot comprehend, well, maybe glimpses can, I'm not sure.
The terrain has gotten quite rocky.
Like more than you would expect, given the path that you were on.
You look over or out the window, you crank it down.
Sorry, we don't have power windows.
You got to crank it.
You have to push it in.
Not in a 92 Sonata or whatever.
You have to push it out when you're cranking it too or it will go down.
Yes, you do.
Who's on the window?
I guess I am now.
Okay, you look out the window and you see that like there's rocky rubble that looks like it's been kind of heaved up.
And as you poke your head out, you see this like large worm-like creature turn to you and it opens its tines and jumps towards your face.
I pull my head back in and then I start rolling the window back up.
Dumbgeons and Dragons Season 2, Episode 3.
Dumbgeons and Dragons Season 2, Episode 91 is starring Amy More as Sully, Carla Macstead as Glim, Tom Laird as Moot, and Russ More as your dungeon master, with special guests Sean O'Hara as Bonesword and Abdul Aziz as Boobs Frankenstein.
Find more from Sean and Abdul by listening to Speltlore at speltlore.com or searching for Speltlore wherever you listen to podcasts.
Editing, production, and sound design is by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Kavin MacLeod and Epidemic Sound, and sound effects from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Stevie, Kat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Devin Michaels, Aaron Stevens, and Eric Houlihan.
Support Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions and get access to an exclusive podcast and bonus episodes, all while helping us unlock the special Grant's Flameykins episode, Escaping the Abyss, when we reach 100 patrons at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
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Thank you for listening. Have a great week. We'll talk again soon.
Yeah. Sorry, we have two different games. Well, we have three different games.
There are book plotlines in two of them. It's very confusing.
I thought this was portals and such. This is not the right book.
We have a D&D podcast and then there's book, book storylines. So like, we're pretty fucking rad as well.
The best way to get information across in an audio medium is through a book, okay?
That's right.
You spend the next 45 minutes reading a book in real time.
Literally, the last like eight months of episodes have revolved around a single library.
Living in a library like a bunch of fucking virgins who love words.
Like, fuck that. I want to live at a punk rock concert while shotgunning a 40 of old English.
That's what I want to do.
You can tell Abdul's never had a sip of alcohol in his entire life.
He accurately described a Danko Jones concert experience.
That sounds so fun. I'm not sure what to say.
Well, from the things that we've heard, yeah, he's like pretty, pretty like wants everyone dead, right?
And so that he can free them.
Does Sully know that?
Don't, didn't we figure that? Guys, listen, we've played so many.
We've got two games going on with Orcus.
And he knows a lot about Orcus.
I don't know what the fuck does Sully know about Orcus?
I don't know what we know about Orcus.
Cause we learned nothing?
Do we even know he's bad?
You got the book, you know, you saw like a skeleton thing.
Remember that one-eyed boy?
And then we found that that was all connected to Orcus.
It's ominous, man.
Yeah, it's ominous.
So I know it's ominous.
Okay, yeah.
But like no specifics, but like.
Okay, yeah.
You got General.
I met that one-eyed boy.
He's a liar.
That kid's a liar.
Lier.
Jared.
He just wants attention.
You guys want to hear about the word Orcus?
Boobs, take it away.
All right.
Epic rap battle.
Get ready for me to talk for another 45 unbroken minutes.
Please rap about it.
Start the timer.
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