previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Sounds delicious.
And believable.
But perhaps we can ask to talk to whoever the ruler is of this place?
And just explain it back to them in a way, like, as outsiders.
Yeah, like, you're too close to the problem.
Maybe Moot can draw some pictures.
Oh, I could try?
Yes.
Just point us in the right direction. I'm sure we can get there.
That way.
Oh, so up the stairs.
Oh, quite up.
Yeah, squarely.
Okay.
You can't go down until you go up.
What am I?
I can't get down.
I get knocked down.
But I get up again.
Arian incoming!
Get smearing!
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
He, Him, also with me today is Karla Maxted.
She, Her.
I am playing Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
Also She, Her.
And Amy More.
That's me.
She, Her.
And I play Sullivan Sleight, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
He, Him.
And Tom Laird.
He, Him.
And I'm playing Moot, who is a half-orc, wild magic sorcerer who also goes by He, Him.
I like how, no matter where I say Tom's name, there's always this little shock and surprise
in his face every time I call him.
Even if it's last and you know it has to be notes.
Me?
Is it my turn now?
I just liked it and wanted to point it out.
Thank you.
Fair enough.
For being here, everybody.
Especially after last episode, because it all would have been very easy just
to walk out after that and be like, well, we can't go anywhere from here.
Bye!
Nope, we peaked.
That's as good as it's going to get, folks.
But yes, thank you for being here, listening to us.
We really appreciate you.
Yeah, just thanks for coming back and giving us a second chance.
We dedicate an episode to a patron every single time.
And today's episode is dedicated to Al.
Thanks, Al.
Thank you, Al.
Just Al.
No last name provided.
Just Al.
I love it.
That is tight.
It's short.
It's to the point.
It's a power move.
It's Cher.
It's Madonna.
It's Al.
It's Doc Ock.
It's Alfred Molina.
Could be just incognito there.
Got that real sneaky, sneaky supporting patron kind of vibe about him.
Yep, absolutely.
Thanks, Al.
Join us today at Patreon.com.
We'd love to have you over there.
Let's play and see what happens.
Energy's down.
We're a little tired because we're heading up those stairs.
It's been a long, long climb up the stairs.
Guys, my legs are real tired.
I know.
There's so much smaller than yours.
Your quads hurt?
Yeah, I know.
I did have to carry you.
But that's fine.
I don't mind doing it.
I was only for 10 minutes.
I know.
You're totally right.
We should scoot because now we have to get in there and see.
Are we ready to see the cane?
Well, I think we're going to see Marion first.
Oh, you're right.
You're right.
That's probably hurt with the cane.
Moo, are you OK?
Yeah, just a little out of breath.
Yeah.
I mean, it turns out that Glim's just got those really big calves so she can
do the stairs super fast.
It was tough to keep up.
Guys, I got the meat sweats.
I can't eat all those ribs before we went up all these stairs.
Before a workout, I don't typically eat just a lot of fatty, saucy meat.
It was delicious.
OK.
But...
I'm going to write that down because I thought that was what you were supposed to do.
It's not what I do.
I mean, maybe to each their own, but it's not my recommended strategy.
It's real heavy.
Yeah.
Way down in there.
Hi.
Oh, Marion?
Yeah, that's me.
What are you doing behind us?
Have you been walking up behind us this whole time?
Well, you passed me back there when you said,
is that Marion with the cane?
But then you kept walking, talking about the meat sweats.
Oh, I don't recall, Santa.
I'm so sorry.
No.
I have visions.
That's fine.
You're here to see King Fimbar?
Borwyn?
Yeah, yes.
Yes, we are.
Do you need us to sign a guest book?
Yeah.
Or is there like a wand where you whoop, whoop, whoop, just make sure to see about...
I don't know your protocols.
Well, we have inkwells and paper.
I don't know what magic you're casting.
Come on over.
Oh, yeah, you can go first.
Yeah, I know.
Besides, I'll just, you know, it's a really narrow foot.
Well, you like to get up nice and nice and close.
Oh, you're really pressing against me here.
So I need something to lean on.
It's very cozy.
All right.
Here's the book.
You put your name down there.
Good.
Yeah.
Very simple names between the three of you.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, up some more stairs there.
What?
Oh, good.
More stairs.
Yeah.
Well, Master Fimbar likes to see out over the land.
Is there like a machine that can just like just showed us up there?
A machine that can shoot you up there?
Like a, I don't know, like a rope that...
You come from a different world.
Like a pulley.
Well, I'm talking like just a simple pulley.
Or even just like stairs that moved also while you were moving.
What?
How do we, can we invent that?
Oh, write this down.
Moving stairs?
Okay, yeah, moving stairs.
Moving stairs.
So like, I feel like maybe in like your, because of your history, like maybe one
of your, you have some good engineering kind of ideas.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
Okay.
I used to be a masochist and work, and worked with all kinds.
I made the mistake of looking at Tom.
I worked with all kinds of machines.
So.
Right.
Yeah.
Oh, so moving stairs.
What kind of operating systems would happen to be in those moving stairs?
I mean, I think we're just at like the blue sky kind of phase right now where
we're just throwing out ideas.
Hamsters and gerbils?
Oh, I mean, you'd need a lot of them.
Yeah.
You know what though?
Maybe we should get up and talk to Finnboy.
Yeah.
You're almost late.
Yeah.
We want to make sure that we're on time.
Punctuality is important.
Yep.
Just those stairs over there.
Here we go.
I'm going to go out to the patent office for no particular reason.
Oh, did we, we need meant to say TM or I just need to actually.
If you could date.
And sign.
You could date that.
I've actually mailed it to myself in a sealed envelope.
Perfect.
So.
That doesn't stand up in a court of law.
It's fine.
Well, maybe that's something else we should talk to Finnbar about because
his intellectual property laws seem a little unfair.
Yep.
Yeah, definitely.
Anyway, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Wow.
All the lies happened in here.
Remember TM, TM, TM, TM, TM, TM.
Okay.
Most yes.
Okay.
We can do it.
Five minutes later, you cut to the top of the stairs.
It's the spiral staircases.
That's the.
Yeah.
They get you.
You get to lean into one side.
I got cramp.
Ah, cramp.
At the top of the stairs, you see one large double door.
Any guards?
No.
Isn't it usually a set of double doors?
Is that not what I said?
One large double door.
You see one large set of double doors.
Do you think this is like, do we knock or should we just go in?
I wish there was a guard here.
I think he's expecting us.
You're right.
We should just go in.
After you.
Maybe, maybe as we open the door, we'll say hello.
Oh, yes.
Good.
The combo.
Perfect.
Oh, we could yell knock, knock as we open it up because people love that.
Love it.
People love that.
Okay.
Knock, knock.
Yeah, I was there.
King Finbar, we have an appointment.
Oh, okay.
Come on in.
I'm Glam.
Yeah, nice to meet you there, Grammy.
Oh, and I'm Moot.
Root?
Moot.
Moot, yes.
My name is Sully.
Nice to meet you there, Sully.
It's, it's thank you so much for seeing us.
On such short notice.
Well, it's book schedule today, but you found the only spot out there we were going to sneak in.
Uh-huh.
So what are we going to do for?
Okay.
How much time do we have in our appointment?
Oh, well, let me just check the book here.
Let me just check the book here.
Uh, how many, how many minutes did you, how many minutes did you book?
Uh, they said your entire free slot.
Okay.
Yeah.
It said like a TBD kind of thing.
All right.
Well, you start and I'll tell you when you're done.
Oh, that was very kingly thing to say.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I'm a king.
King Finbar.
What do you think of the color scheme I got going on here?
It's kind of a mauve.
The mauve and the orange.
It's real interesting.
It's really unique.
You look and it's brown.
I'm glad you think so.
We're going to try to try to redo all the four screens and stuff.
There is this move in orange is a really good mix.
They, they tinted it down at the, the mixer, the mixers down there.
Yeah.
And that master master Sammy's painters.
Yeah, it's, it is nice to spruce up the place.
Make it seem like a whole, whole new castle.
Sorry.
I interrupted you there.
What you got to, what you got for me?
Nope.
That's okay.
You know what though?
I'm not going to beat around the bush because you seem like a king who
really likes the straight talk.
Well, that's why I book short appointments that we get to all the
information really quick.
Okay.
So we were just talking to the shadow.
He's talking to your shadow.
Not my shadow, the shadow.
He's got a booth out there.
Oh, Jonathan.
Oh, it would be Jonathan.
Wouldn't it?
Okay.
Jonathan sounds a lot less.
It was so much less dramatic.
The shadow.
Definitely.
It's so cool.
And Jonathan is just like a guy.
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
He really was just a guy.
He was kind of just a guy.
It's true.
Yeah.
A little brother.
Uh, he, uh, dad didn't leave him, uh, you know, a region to go.
So he just kind of hops around trying to just fill in the spots.
Oh, I feel terrible now for teasing him.
So I also feel really bad for the way he told the story of your family
because he did not do a good job.
And you think that someone in the inner circle really would have that
that tail down.
Hold on.
Inner circle.
No, he's not really in the inner circle there.
He's family.
No, he does.
He does.
He does odd jobs there, but, uh, no, it's really just left to, uh,
me and, uh, my sister and my brother.
No, you know, we just, uh, we, we run the regions when, you know,
you know, our own ways.
And, uh, sometimes it works for the other ways.
And then sometimes it doesn't, but yeah, Jonathan,
he just kind of floats around there and, uh,
just does some odd jobs and really just, you know,
kind of gets in the way sometimes.
So we can send him down to the dock there.
He floats between and, you know, does what he wants.
Kind of has free room and board everywhere he goes.
We take care of them.
You know,
Oh, what that's really,
it seems like you really care about your family.
As much as one can.
Speaking of that.
So Mooklim and Sully, hey,
you're speaking about my family.
Okay.
I got it.
I'm caught up.
I just wanted to make sure.
Uh huh.
We were talking to the Shadow about the plan.
Yeah.
To go to hire folks to go find the pieces of your
dad's sword.
Oh, he's still trying to find the stuff.
Hey.
And, and, and bring them back and then unite them and then
unite the kingdoms through the joy of father's returned
property.
Sword ownership.
Yeah.
And we thought that maybe that wasn't the best way to go
about, um,
reconciling your family and improving trade relations.
Yeah, no, probably not.
Uh, well,
I mean we all kind of went out and tried to find the
things and you know,
dad, he just puts the things,
he probably just,
it's probably not even on the islands.
We checked quite a few of them.
They're almost almost died a couple of times.
Uh,
when you're out at sea for such a long time,
it's,
you start not to like each other very much.
Is that where things kind of got all turned around?
They were never really like,
you know,
great.
We were always,
you know,
pushing to be the best,
uh,
you know,
out of the bottom.
Um,
but everybody was,
I was,
it was trying to,
you know,
get in dad's good side.
You know,
maybe we'll run the,
run the kingdom.
And then he gets ill and is like,
Hey,
I'll give you each a piece and you gotta go on this
scavenger hunt.
And then,
um,
ah,
didn't,
couldn't find anything.
He gave us,
it sort of just pushed you further apart.
It did.
It really did.
And now we,
you know,
some people here are going,
you know,
there's a lot of crops here,
but you know,
those take effort.
And,
uh,
and,
and specific,
you know,
you need specific kinds of soil and,
and yeah,
the pH is all off.
I was told the pH was off by one of our,
uh,
one of our gardeners.
And then we just,
they equated it to only being able to grow turpentine.
Oh.
Hmm.
Well,
that's,
I didn't know quite what they meant.
I thought turpentine was a liquid,
but,
well,
it does come from a plant.
So it does.
Oh,
okay.
Well,
it does make sense in a way.
It seems like they probably shouldn't have chopped their head off then.
All right.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
I think it just,
perhaps they were just,
uh,
giving you a,
uh,
exaggeration saying that the soil is not very good to grow in here.
Hmm.
Yeah.
I've been working on that,
working on,
uh,
just to,
you know,
jump into,
jump into conclusions and say off with,
off with their heads and stuff.
Oh,
that's a really great thing.
Like,
way to go,
uh,
striving for personal growth.
Yeah.
That's so important.
It's been at least four days since that's happened last,
so.
That is a great strength.
Good for you.
Yeah.
Pretty,
pretty soon,
you're going to look back and it's going to be a couple of years behind you
and you're going to think,
wow,
I've,
I've come so far.
Sounds like such a pipe dream there,
Moot.
And,
uh,
I don't want to get too-
Just believe in yourself.
Okay.
I don't want to get too personal,
but one of the really important things that I've learned as I've gotten older is that you don't have to live up to your parents' expectations.
You just have to live up to your own and you don't have to,
um,
do the things that they want you to do exactly how they want you to do them.
You can look at things as a,
you know,
reasonable adult and think,
well,
that doesn't,
that doesn't really make sense.
Yeah.
Just because my dying father told me to,
maybe I should just make my own decision about,
you know,
what I want to do with my life and my kingdom and for my people,
you know,
that kind of thing.
That's what I realized about my life.
Absolutely.
And like,
you don't have to hold on to grudges that have been there.
Um,
and,
and maybe,
maybe when you're ready,
you could be the person to take that first step to,
to,
to be like,
you know,
food.
Food is awful.
Yeah.
Food is so good.
And for everyone.
You guys have a lot here.
You guys have so many textiles, stuff like that.
People would pay top dollar for this.
Yeah.
We have a lot of things coming in off the,
off the ships there from.
Regions.
But,
but wouldn't you like to sell some of them?
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean,
That would be good.
Now, I've only known you for like five minutes.
However.
Is it been five minutes already?
What they've said about kings
and how their pride gets in the way
of making good decisions for the kingdoms.
I'm just not seeing it with you.
No.
That's not you at all.
Oh, what do you see with me?
Well, a reasonable fellow who has a goal.
A real good head on your shoulders.
A goal in mind.
You want food and you want to sell your stuff.
Yeah, I want food.
I want to sell my stuff.
So that seems like you wouldn't let
any sort of petty disagreement.
Sister stopping that from happening.
Or was she doing?
It's always a sister, isn't it?
My brother and sister.
Sorry, I was mumbling a little bit.
You probably didn't hear me.
No, that's fine.
Well, I mean,
they're just hard to get along with, you know?
I've been mulling this over for such a long time,
trying to think about how we can, you know,
stop all of this.
And really, I think you've just solidified this
is I have to go to war.
Oh.
Oh, boy.
Wow.
See, I don't know.
That seems tiring.
I mean, you mentioned when you were adventuring,
looking for the sword pieces,
it was really hard and exhausting and scary
and you almost died, right?
Is that, that's what you said?
Yeah, but that was just the three of us, Terri.
I would say I got the army and I could send the army.
Right, oh, totally, totally.
But couldn't you, rather than having to do
all that like strategic planning
and figuring out how you're going to feed the army
when you don't actually have access
to a lot of food right now,
which could be a real challenge.
All the scooby.
You might wanna consider what if you just hired
like one person, you delegated,
because great leaders always delegate,
don't you guys think?
Ah, yeah.
You just delegated someone.
Because you're too important.
Right.
Exactly, you can't make all the decisions.
You just pick a person that's good at the thing
and they're like the steward of the trade program.
So I have to find someone named Stuart?
Oh, I mean, that'd be fun, but no.
Sure.
No.
Okay.
Just they could coordinate and you could all delegate
and you wouldn't even have to deal
with your brother and sister and everything would work.
Right.
You could totally do that and it'd be super easy.
And then you could spend more time like redecorating
and looking out over your lands
at the top of all of these stairs.
So many stairs.
Oh, an impressive amount of stairs.
Yeah, a huge amount of stairs.
Roman persuasion there for Glim.
Anybody can assist.
I'm 13.
I would like to assist.
You've all been kind of talking.
You can assist to Rome.
Is this for persuasion?
I mean, if you're assisting,
it would give Carla advantage.
Oh, then yes, I'll just assist.
Carla, feel free to roll again.
We can justify it and assist, you've all been.
Well, that was way better.
That's a 21.
All right.
So I need to find a steward
to talk about all the things we want done.
Don't send the army.
All right, you're hired.
Well, I don't know that we have
that exact skill set.
Well, yeah, but you said you wanted to,
you know, you gave all that stuff about bridging
and talking and the textiles.
And he seems to really have just everything hammered down.
And you said I don't have to deal with
you said I don't have to deal with Calichrist and Breton.
So if you could just handle that for me,
I'll give you a card or a paper with a stamp on it
that you can get you by.
Yeah, we're definitely going to need that.
Otherwise, we're not going to be.
Yeah, probably legit.
I mean, they don't let you up their stairs quite as freely.
You know, as you.
Well, you're a king of the people.
So you're. Yeah.
Yeah.
Would it be all right
if I talked with my associates for a mere.
Tiny moment of time.
Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.
We kind of shuffle off to the side a little.
Yeah, it's just a big square room.
Yeah. OK.
I've been imagining to be kind of empty.
They're like a desk. Yeah.
And then just lots of mauve and orange.
I think I'll maybe cut back a description.
But yeah, I think it's just a chair at the end of a red.
Oh, so really just a throne.
Yes, it is a throne room. OK.
There's nothing else going on. OK, neat.
OK, so this I know.
OK, so this isn't exactly where we were going with this.
But I think I would so much rather be like like a like a delegate
and kind of talk our way through this whole thing,
as opposed to going to get some mystical pieces of swords
that nobody could find and almost die trying to get.
Also, I think he might kill us if we say no.
I thought you were going to yell at me.
I I feel like I really I feel like it really got you into us
all into something, really.
You know, I think we may be able to wrap this up, you know, together.
I feel confident that they all want something from each other.
So if they just all give each other the thing that they want,
I feel like the trade group to open up seems like petty brother sister business.
I mean, I think at the core, you know, we were kind of right.
If they can just get one reasonable person from each kingdom
to just communicate, they could probably just.
You know, wrap this up by dinner time.
Exactly. Everybody has something the other wants.
They don't want to talk to each other.
So we can totally do that. Right.
Do you think he's going to give us the letter?
I hate I feel like maybe so you're having a real influence on me.
But should we ask about payment?
Oh, absolutely.
I mean, can you do that?
Because I know that I'm bad at it.
And sure. Great. OK.
OK. All right.
My leash.
Oh, yeah, there's something we spoken about it.
And we'd be happy to offer our services to you.
Great. Good. All right.
So since this is not a position that was previously in existence.
Yeah. What kind of
renumeration would we be supplied with in order to go from kingdom to kingdom,
trying and succeeding at forming new alliances and opening these trade routes?
Hold on a second there. I hired one of you.
I just said that the tall one there said I needed to hire one person.
So I hired one.
Right. OK.
I mean, yes, technically one person in that one role.
But obviously, you know, we have to travel.
We have to someone has to, you know, we need other people.
Also, not just the one of us, because we sort of all work together as a team.
And definitely not safe to go into unfamiliar
kingdoms where we may not be welcomed.
I mean, we need a little bit of muscle.
You don't want to go alone. Right.
Yeah. No, no, you don't want to go alone.
No. OK. OK.
So hire hire the three of you as one position there.
I mean, they probably yeah, definitely cover or cover all your transport.
You know, a little bit a little bit of money to get some food and stuff.
And we'll load you up with what we got there.
What else? What else? Money?
I mean, you got money like gold, gold a day kind of thing.
What kind of what?
You know, as this position was previously not,
you know, available.
Sure. Yeah. The amount.
Let's just say we would like a livable wage. Sure.
But also, we just want you to know that the most important part for us
is to open up these trade routes, because we see how
this is affecting your kingdom here.
And we would really like to be of assistance.
OK. OK. OK.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, OK.
Yeah. You go. I mean, it's a high.
How did you come into town here?
Are you coming on boat or you're traveling, traveling the roads?
Like what's what you're working with?
We we came via Butts Hole.
Oh, came by Butts Hole. Yeah.
Yeah. It's just just annexed them the other day.
Great little great little spot.
Oh, you annexed it. Hey, you just tightened up that butthole.
OK. Yeah.
You can't can't let that get too loose in Butts Hole.
They need a firm hand in Butts Hole. Sure do.
I forget what your question was.
Money, money. You want money.
OK. Just a livable wage.
Don't we don't want to be hosed.
We just really do want to help.
All right. Yeah.
No, you seem like fine upstanding
youngins who are just looking to bring the bring the regions together.
Totally. Absolutely. Yeah.
I mean, it's at least a 20 day travel between here and Calichrist's kingdom.
You know, if you're taking the if you're taking the roads,
you could probably chop that down to five to 10 days.
If you take a boat, we could we could hook you up with a ship
that would take you around there and then you'd have to travel
back down a bit in order to get over to to Breton's.
So that'd be another 10 days.
So we're looking at a good long haul there.
If that's what you want to do.
I, you know, make sure to cover you pretty, you know, like 100,
150 gold all in if all things work out great
on top of accommodations and expenses.
Yeah, you know, I think that sounds more than reasonable.
What do you all think?
Yeah, if it's if it's good enough for you, Sully.
Yeah, you're the expert, Sully.
So I think so.
King Finbar, could I just ask a couple clarifying questions?
Sure. Calichrist is your sister.
And she rules the kingdom of Tether.
Yeah, actually, Tether, yeah, you know, your spots.
Good job, Glim.
Oh, I've got this note, but it's getting really hard to read.
Yeah, and Breton over there, he runs that termish.
And Jonathan, again, just runs that booth.
Just said that that collapse
and foldable card table down by the water there.
Yeah, I've got him.
I've got him for the next couple of weeks.
So, oh, it's like a sheer custody business.
Yeah. And then he moves on.
So, you know what? Maybe I'll send them with you.
Oh, just a little bit early.
Yeah, you can just to the one place, though, right.
And then he'll stay there for a small period of time.
You're going to have to negotiate that once you get to Calichrist there.
I can't control what she chooses to do with Jonathan.
Fair enough. Can we choose what to do with Jonathan?
Yeah, I don't care.
Oh, as soon as he leaves the city, he's out of my jurisdiction.
And what are his powers vis a vis Prince Ling?
Or he's just like a citizen.
No, no, he's he calls himself the shadow.
Yes. Oh, I know.
Yes. Very, very cool nickname
that I assume now he gave himself.
Yeah. Well, he gave it to him one day because he was hanging out
in the shadows while we were doing some important business.
And it just kind of stuck after that.
Oh, he really turned that around for himself, didn't he?
In the shadows. Yeah.
That way, they don't see me in the shadows is what he always said.
I just be very quiet.
And then he'd giggle a lot.
He's always giggled when he was hiding in the shadows.
Not very sneaky.
Not a great name.
Anyways. Cheap shot.
I assume you're making fun of my inability to play hide and seek.
No, that was the character trait that Laurie gave to the shadow.
Was it really?
Laurie just heads up.
I felt personally attacked.
Just 100 percent thought that was a target.
I really did, because I can't play hide and seek.
I do giggle uncontrollably
and I'm found every time because of it.
It's my own personal shame.
That's that's the most adorable thing I've ever heard.
It really is.
Hmm. I just start to think like someone could be right around the corner.
Just picture Addison at like four, like, come on, come on.
I'm pretty much like at least try.
Come on.
I can picture Amy like feet out from the drapes.
No, I'm like giggling away.
I'm like hiding well, and I try very hard not to laugh.
So it's one of those like laughing, but not making any sounds
very much like whole body shaking.
It's trying to hold it in.
Welcome to the middle.
What? No song this time?
Just jumping right in. No music.
It was one of those.
It was one of those the screamo ones.
Well, you really had to put some more stank on it.
Welcome to the middle.
There you go. That was it.
There it is.
Good Charlotte vibes going on here.
That's what I was.
Thank you. That's what I was pulling from.
Was it? But also probably not.
But it's the first band that came to mind when he said that.
Absolutely.
You know where you can just yell out the first thing
that comes to your mind?
Improv shows. Improv shows.
Yes, we want to have one so that we can show all the random stuff.
With your help.
We're so close to getting there, guys.
So close. So close.
If you go check. No, you go.
Go. No, you go.
See, this is what's going to happen during the improv.
That's true. I'm going to choose some.
Carla, you go.
So we only need 85 patrons.
We're so close when we get there.
We're going to do a live show where we play a game.
But it's also an improv game.
And you're going to give us suggestions about what you want us to do
or things that are going to happen, choices we need to make.
And will we die?
I don't know. Probably.
Will you as a collective be better at solving problems than we are?
Almost certainly.
Definitely.
But also we want you to bring that chaos energy.
So if you go visit Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
you'll see where we are.
And I believe we're only a couple just just a pinch away,
just a pinch away.
And it could be you that puts us
over the edge.
Well, over the top, I think, is what more so what you're going for.
Over the edge sounds like we got pushed off a cliff.
Yeah, maybe pushing us to the top.
Oh, OK. We want to be peeking.
We want to be peeked at the top.
OK. Just can't stop.
Is it getting worse?
But you should.
I'm not sure.
It's don't stop till you get enough, you know.
OK, yeah.
OK, please come join us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon.
Yep. Cast. Cast.
Amy's not digging it tonight.
Hopefully she's got a better vibe at the at the live improv show.
Oh, I'm going to have that.
You guys know I have all the best vibes.
Did you imagine it just shuts everything down the whole time?
Your song started so quiet.
It was unnerving.
Well, I was trying to bring it up in the back.
You couldn't quite figure out what the song was.
Yeah, well, yeah. And they found it halfway there.
Yeah, I was trying to bring it up in the background, you know.
And then by the end is just the music because we've said all the things.
And then you wanted it to be a little bit louder now and a little bit louder
now and a little bit louder now.
You know, that sort of thing.
That's the one. Yep. All right.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Thank you very much.
We hope to see you over there.
And patrons, when we do it live stream improv show, it's going to be amazing.
Put it on your calendar when we have a date.
Well, we'll have to tell the date.
But yes, yes.
And then there will be a calendar invite.
Love you. Bye. Yeah. Have a good show.
Strong ending on calendar invite.
And then there will be a calendar invite.
End of scene.
Russ fucking loves his calendar invites.
Jesus.
Get ready for a new gripping horror actual play podcast, Dark Dice.
Six travelers embark on a journey into the ruinous domain of the nameless God.
They will never be the same again.
One of the players is not what they seem.
After a doppelganger, a creature that can assume the form and voice of whatever it kills, infiltrates the team.
As the players are picked off and replaced one at a time, can they figure out who the monster is before it's too late?
Can you?
Dark Dice features an award-winning full voice cast of non-player characters
and a phenomenal fantasy soundtrack featuring live hurdy-gurdy, loots, and dulcimers.
Do you seek him?
Find Dark Dice however you enjoy podcasts.
All right, well, Your Highness, if it pleases you, we would like to get on the road right away.
Oh, of course. It's going to take a while.
So are you taking the boat or are you taking the road?
Which one is the faster one of the two?
20 days for the road, five to 10 for the ship, as long as the wind's at your back.
Oh, well, ship then.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, that sounds like the one.
Yeah.
So we will collect Jonathan and we will promise to keep him safe.
But just so we know, in terms of ranking, we're here, and Jonathan's down here, right?
In terms of authority.
Yeah, no, Jonathan doesn't have much authority for anything.
OK, just wanted to know.
We gave him this goal of trying to, you know, find just to keep him busy, really,
just to, you know, go find all the stuff.
But he sends people out and, you know, sometimes they come back with things.
There's a lot to find out there, you know, lots of pirates, lots of smugglers.
He's offering 500 gold apiece.
Does he have that money?
Do you guys give him an allowance?
Nobody's going to find it.
If somebody did come back with any of the pieces, then yeah, sure, we'd pay them 500 gold.
But yeah, we pretty much tell him whatever the fuck he can do, he can do.
And if he turns up things, great.
If not, well, I have I have a question.
Yeah, no.
Do you think do you think that maybe anyone has actually returned with one of the items in question,
but he didn't know what it actually looked like and he just sent them away without buying it?
You raise a valid point.
I mean, he would have seen he would have seen dad's sword.
Yeah, but it doesn't seem like he's the sharpest knife in the door.
He also puts his head down so far.
Just totally covering his face.
It's probably really hard to see.
Dark in the booth.
You know, he's really leaning into the shadow.
Yeah, OK, quite a bit.
Well, maybe before you head out, tell him to come up here with his clipboard.
I mean, he writes down everything, inventories everything that he sees.
Maybe I'll give it just a scan through and just see.
Sure.
Just in case maybe somebody came and.
I just like to say, though, the way that you and your brother and your sister
take care of Jonathan tells me a really compassionate people.
And that you can work together.
So this is going to work out great.
We're going to totally open those trade.
We got you.
If Tagurit is working together, then yes, we work together.
It might just be you're all playing the same game.
That's working together.
Yeah.
All right, we're going to go and do we talk to Marion about the official
kind of like write up with the seal?
She'll have it ready for you as soon as you get down there.
I'm sure of it.
Really?
Wow, she's very efficient.
Well, sending stones and there's lots of stairs, so.
There is lots of stairs.
OK.
OK, well, great to meet you.
Likewise.
Looking forward to ensuring the success of you and your sibling's kingdom.
Very cool. Looking forward to it.
All right, great.
I'm just going to leave this pamphlet here, too, in case you want to say.
It's just about Bahamut.
I mean, just read it when you have a minute.
It's I'm just going to leave it.
We're going to go.
I don't. It's your choice.
He's a pretty cool dude.
Oh, my God, you guys.
All right.
Yeah, look it over.
It's going to be great.
Glenn, I don't know if pushing it on a king is a good idea.
Well, I just you know, he seems lonely in there.
He's just in a room all by himself.
He needs something to read, at least.
We have Jonathan's clipboard.
He will. You're right.
I guess we should go.
OK, so we'll go get the letters.
We'll go get Jonathan.
Yeah, I like that we have all these stairs have these talks on.
There's lots of travel time in this castle.
Yeah. Yeah.
So once we got the letter from Marion,
we can start a crew and a boat and start getting things packed up for the journey,
I guess. Yeah, sounds good.
Right. Hey, Marion.
Oh, we walk right past you again.
You're behind us.
I'm sorry. Yes.
I don't know how we keep in such a narrow hallway to like the stairwell.
It doesn't really make sense.
Has alcoves.
Oh, oh.
And you just stand inside.
OK, that's cool.
So were you listening to everything that was?
No, it's a lot of stairs.
OK. Here's your papers.
Oh, thank you.
I was just going to ask that you are so efficient in this castle.
Well, it's not a lot to do.
I want to look it over and see if it's legit.
Yeah, it looks legit.
It's too legit to quit, you guys.
Let's go. Thanks, Marion.
I knew it was coming as soon as he said legit.
Thought about not saying it and then I was like, I can't not say it.
No, you got to do it.
You had to say it.
I would have said it if you didn't.
It's good to know you have my back like that, Tom.
That's right.
OK, you take the papers, you head back down to the dock.
Jonathan is standing.
The shadow is standing there at his podium alone.
Very much the same as you left him.
I mean, there's activity around.
But nobody at the but nobody at the booth.
Nobody at the booth.
All right.
This is hey, Moot, how do you feel about knowing that this guy's
just got like caught Blanche over everything and he took a copper from you?
I mean, not great.
Not great, but
that is what it is.
I mean, I paid him for the thoughts and he mostly delivered.
The ribs were good.
So, I mean, if we just think about it, like you were paying for a restaurant
recommendation. Oh, yeah.
OK, you know what? I really like that.
I guess that's OK, but I just want to let you guys know,
if anyone is asking you to pay them in order to give you a recommendation
for a restaurant, they are swindling you.
That information should be just coming freely between people.
Yeah.
Hey, the shadow. Hello.
We've already met. You don't have to.
Right. Yes, sir. Yes.
What can I do? What can I do for you?
You've seen Finbar.
Yeah, you got to go up and see your brother, Jonathan.
He's got to look at that clip.
Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.
And then you're going to you're going to be coming with us on a ship
to go see your sister. Like two weeks left.
No, he said that you got to go a little early
to escort us to his sister, to your sister's kingdom.
Fine.
Well, you don't have to throw a fit about it.
No, it's fine.
It's. Took my name away,
telling people I got to go and probably going to tell you
you're in charge of me. I'll be back. Yeah, yeah.
OK, I mean, we can still probably call you the shadow if you want.
Yeah, it's it's such a cool name.
Too late. OK, Jonathan.
I'm still going to call him the shadow.
I will not be.
I'm not going to whisper it anymore, though, you guys,
because I don't think he's.
Don't give him the reverence. He doesn't deserve that.
Yeah, I don't think so.
We just eeny meeny miny moe ship.
Well, it's like maybe Marion put some instructions in here
as well as our official seals that like give us our powers.
Maybe there's like a ship name and we got to look for that ship.
Let's see.
No, as I imagine the scroll makes as I unroll it.
Yeah, there is a ship name.
What's the ship name?
Barge Raiden.
That's the ship. That's it.
Yep. Yeah, you see you read it and it says barge.
The ship name is barge right in.
You look around at the ships
that you see in the dock.
Ironically, it's not a barge.
No, you don't actually see that name visible on any of the ships.
Where's Seamus?
Yeah, I was just going to say we need to go back to the man with the clipboard.
Seamus? Seamus?
You wander up and down and you do eventually find Seamus.
It's not actually you eventually find Seamus.
Seamus is just off into the left.
It's not that large of a dock.
Hi. He wasn't exactly where we thought he was before,
so we couldn't find him.
He was four feet to the left.
I don't know. Exactly.
Seamus was gruff, wasn't he? He was.
He was. Yeah, Seamus.
So many fucking character voices that I got in this one.
All right. Yeah, it's you two, three again.
We are looking for a boat.
Yep.
Barge Raiden. No.
Cool. Yeah.
Did you walk all the way down to the all the way down to the right there?
Well, we were looking for a barge.
We didn't see one called Barge Raiden.
No, it's not a barge.
It's like a little
all the way down to the end there.
You'll find Captain's name is Dorbin.
One more time.
Dorbin. Dorbin.
Sorry, was it Dorfin?
D-O-R-B-I-N.
Dorbin. Dorbin.
Dorbin. OK.
Dorbin. You can't miss it after you walk all the way down to the end.
OK, it's tough.
It's kind of easy to miss because it's actually hidden behind that one.
The Angel's Majesty. Yeah.
That is a big one.
Is that the King's boat?
It is. Yeah.
Yeah, it's huge.
Just before we walk all the way down there
to see the disappointment that is going to be this boat.
Yeah. Is it like real small?
Well, are there sleeping quarters?
Do we have to use oars?
No, you don't have to use oars.
It's a sailing ship.
I mean, it does have oars on it in case the sail gets torn or wrecked
or anything like that.
So, no, it's not quite that bad.
It's a little rickety.
It's, you know, it's fine.
You'll be fine.
Did Marion choose this boat for us?
I'm just like Marion's writing.
Is there a way we can get a boat that won't sink
four minutes into the journey?
Why would it sink?
Dorban's been on the seas for years.
Yeah, but we're taking Jonathan with us.
Well, is it that time already?
Well, early.
Almost. I mean, close enough.
Listen, we're getting sent off by the King
to repair relationships to open trade back up.
Are we going to be taken seriously in this dinghy?
Well, you just have to get to the place.
I mean, everybody knows Dorban.
Oh, OK.
Oh, my God, is Dorban going to be our new Grancis?
Look at Russ's face. He looks so happy.
He's so excited right now. I don't like this.
I don't feel good about this, you guys.
Never mind. We're not taking a boat.
We're walking.
We're doing this.
We're doing this walk in real time, everybody.
20 days it is.
Yeah. All right.
OK, let's barge right in.
Let's barge right in.
I like your enthusiasm.
He hands you back the paper and you walk all the way down
and to the right and you make it past where you can,
you know, see around the Angel's Majesty.
And it's a majestic boat.
And you come around the corner and.
Have you seen Captain Ron?
I mean, in like 1997 or whenever that movie came out, sure.
Please describe it for those of us who have not seen Captain Ron.
It is a worn down,
reasonable size sailboat
that is of many colors along the side.
And Jesus Christ, it is not ship shape.
Aboard, there are tarps
covering the various living sections.
It is not ship shape.
It looks very run down.
We're going to die out at sea in this thing.
This boat will be our casket.
There's a reason why they say that there's a hole.
Is it a hole or a hole?
Either way, this is a shithole.
This is what this is.
Well, I mean, it doesn't look.
Great, maybe it's just because it's beside the Angel's Majesty.
The Queen.
So maybe it's just a comparison.
It's sort of looking bad because of that.
Or Miriam's really.
I hate us for some reason.
She rubbed up against me so much.
I feel like I could blackmail her into a better ship.
All right, well, you guys.
Captain Dorban, we got to get going.
What are you guys just standing looking at the boat for?
Don't you know how to get going here?
We got to make good time.
I can't believe he doesn't want you
to stay two weeks longer, Jonathan.
Right?
I'm such a delight.
Have you sailed on this particular buke before?
Every time I have to go.
Oh, that's, yeah.
This is making a lot more sense now.
It's not us.
And Captain Dorban.
Captain Dorban.
Captain Dorban?
You hear footsteps kind of down below deck
and they stumble up to the main deck.
And you see a man who has like this torn tattered.
You do not get to look at.
And like long knotted, not dreads,
but like knotted hair.
And he's got like these really dark sunglasses on.
Does he have a kick ass six pack?
He does have a kick ass six pack.
I mean, if Captain Ron is the template,
one of us is going to fuck this guy.
So.
Dibs.
Boots time to shine.
All right.
He comes up and he's got a bottle of who knows what.
Then he takes a big swig and he's like,
all right there, Jonathan.
You got friends today.
All right.
This is going to be a wild ride.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season two, episode 85,
starring Amy More as Sully, Carla Maxted as Glim,
Tom Laird as Moot, and Russ More as your Dungeon Master.
Editing, production, and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from all over the world,
including music from all over the world.
We'll see you next time on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
From Kavin MacLeod and Epidemic Sound,
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Mark Hartless,
Stevie, Cat Water Flame, Jacob Madden,
Christian Brown, Devin Michaels,
Aaron Stevens, Eric Houlihan, and Ray Sirbeck.
To support Dumbgeons and Dragons
and help us reach 85 patrons within our community,
unlocking a live streamed improvised game,
as well as access to an exclusive podcast,
bonus episodes, and much more,
please join our Patreon at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
You can also follow us at facebook.com slash dumb dragon podcast
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Thank you for listening.
You have a great week and we'll talk again soon.
Well, I'd say 20 days by the boat,
five to 10 by the ship,
as long as you've got the winds at your back.
Sorry, 20 days for the boat,
but then five to 10 days for the ships,
as long as the wind's at my back?
Sorry, I'm not a nautilist.
Then yeah, sure, we'd pay them 500 gold,
but yeah, we pretty much give them carte blanche over it
and we pretty much tell them
whatever the fuck he can do, he can do,
because he's not going to say carte blanche.
I was going to say it's quite high brow
for the way he's been talking lately,
but you know what, maybe he pulled out,
like he saw it on his word of the day toilet paper.
And...
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.