previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
have been able to shed light on this situation and that's gonna be funny in a moment.
This person's name is The Shadow, allegedly.
The Shadow character wants to find treasure from some pirate isle.
And you round a bend and you see a big sign that has the name of the town on
it.
Butzhole?
I think they have the S in the wrong place.
Okay, let's check down this aisle
and see if there's anything.
Is anything in your notes?
What do we have?
We have a sash, we've got the rope.
Oh, this tri-corner hat.
Yes.
Oh, perfect.
Here's a keg of gunpowder.
Oh, I got a fuse here.
Oh, excellence, excellent, a fuse.
What are we up to now, four, five?
That's five items, just one more.
Rubber ducky, there's a rubber ducky.
And thanks for the tips about the shadow.
And thank you for teaching me of Bahamut.
I will make sure that Bahamut is heard loudly in Butts Hole.
Oh, his voice will echo in here.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, I'm your dungeon master,
Russ More, he, him, also with me today is Tom Laird.
Hey, that's me, he, him.
Tonight I'm playing Mood, who also goes by he, him.
And Carla Maxted.
She, her, I am Norixis Akra, but you can call me Glim.
And let me tell you about this real cool guy
named Bahamut.
And Amy More.
She, her, and I play Sullivan Sleight,
a lightfoot halfling rogue, he, him.
So excited to be here.
I messed up the intro so many times.
That's great.
Keep listening to that bloop.
Have you been listening to the bloopers lately?
Because there's some gold in the bloopers.
It's all you.
Well, now we better really come up with some gold tonight.
Yeah, some real gold that we can take out of the show,
because it's not quite good enough for the show,
but it's good enough after the credits.
Perfect.
That's the gold that we're looking for.
We can't really leave in the show
how many times it takes us to remember
how to intro the show that we have been doing for two,
three, four.
Many years.
100 years?
I mean, it feels like 100 years.
No, it doesn't.
It feels like it was just yesterday
that we were a tiny baby sitting around a table
playing a game, thinking nothing will ever come of this.
I'm getting the weirdest visual right now.
It's my baby have a beer bottle in his hand.
I like that we all went there.
Hey, where we have great things going on
is over at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Who's disappointed in Russ's segue?
I thought it was a pretty great segue.
It wasn't a segue.
You were supposed to say something about baby.
No, it was just hey.
It was just hey.
Hey, it's a good segue.
I would like to lodge a formal complaint about that segue.
You know what?
Put it in the suggestion box.
We'll deal with it next week.
Question, do the segue police ride segues?
Yes.
Yes, I would assume they would have to legally.
Perfect.
Hey, when you're a patron, great segue Carla, I like it.
Yeah, this is the stuff.
Oh, I don't know if I can take this one out.
Hey.
We're starting with bloopers, you guys.
This is how this episode is going to be.
This is the energy we have.
So I think.
We need to make our own shenanigans.
No, then we just like, we try to be slightly professional
when we have a guest.
See previous episode where we just talked about butts
hole for two hours.
Professional.
Please come join us on Patreon.
We need you.
We need you for all your great ideas
and for all your amazing amazingness.
And when you are a patron, you get an episode
dedicated to you.
Like today's baby patron, Mark Harless.
See, I would have got to it.
Mark.
Thanks, Mark.
Mark wished me happy birthday just the last month
there ago when I turned to birthday.
Yeah.
That's how you say that.
That's how you say it.
The last month.
I've heard Karla say it a long time.
Absolutely.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Thank you, Mark.
But also come join us.
We'd love to see you over there.
And now, fuck it, let's play.
OK.
We're ready.
Last time on Dumbgeons and Dragons,
you found yourself wandering through the roadside town
of butts hole with your good friend Wimren.
Now we find you reading the note that Wimren left you
as he decided to set up shop inside butts hole.
You look at the note, all three of you collectively
surrounding the note.
And the note is scrawled, just scratches,
as if it were taken throughout a person's travels.
There's drink stains.
There's torn parts.
But the jest of the note, from what you can tell,
I'm going to drop this energy because this is just
getting weird now.
It's like you're maintaining.
Keep going with it, buddy.
You can do this.
The jest of the note is trade routes
between three separate regions, Tirmish, Chondeth,
and Tether have gone quiet.
They've shut down, making trade near impossible.
In these three regions, of these three regions,
you find yourself in the region of Chondeth.
You three have not traveled through Tirmish or Tether.
So you yourself have not seen any major checkpoints
or check stops or anything like that.
But these three regions from the note
are run by three siblings.
It doesn't say specifically who.
However, it also outlines an opportunity
where you have to meet a person named The Shadow
in the city of Erebar, who's looking
for pirates or mercenaries, gold diggers, or adventurers
to track down six lost items rumored
to be hidden within the pirate isles,
I-S-L-E-S, by the siblings, deceased father,
and former king of the United Regions.
Last we found you.
You were going down the pirate isle in Zedmart.
Now we find you arriving at the gates of Erebar,
which is a?
I assume it's where Prince Ali lives.
Agrabah, right?
Yeah.
Bapu.
Which is a port city at the end of two major trade routes.
And the city appears, as you kind of wander through,
appears richly stocked with fabrics and jewels.
However, as you walk past grocers and other market
and other portions of the market,
food stores appear dwindled.
And others, building materials and that sort of thing
also appear to be in short supply.
People, though, generally seem pleasant and greet you
as you come through the city.
And we join you now.
So I just wanted to go over, again,
our game plan is to take all the stuff we
bought in the pirate isle and fool this man?
You know, as I've thought about it more,
as we've sort of been traveling
and I kind of got up and caught up
in like the excitement of the Zed Mart.
Sure, yeah.
And I feel like maybe that isn't the best strategy.
Yeah, I feel like it's just going to like see right
through us if we try this.
We're good at so many things.
But I would not say like subterfuge is necessarily
one of them, especially against someone
called the Shadow.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, you guys.
OK, I found that I found the note extremely hard
to understand personally.
I rambled.
I'm really not entirely sure what
we're supposed to be doing here.
But were we not supposed to get these things?
Well, from the pirate isle and look how it's spelled.
I used to be a speller.
No, I know.
We thought it was a good idea at the time.
I'm having second thoughts about it.
Well, could we just ask?
Like, OK, sorry.
What is our end game here?
We give these to them and then we
say all trade routes open now.
Yes, I believe that's the magic phrase
we're supposed to say.
Yes, I feel like you're using the sarcasm on me
moot and it doesn't look good on you, my friend.
It looks great on me.
First, it does look great on you moot.
I like that you're trying something new
and it's pretty sassy and I like it.
But yeah, maybe if we're trying
to like get on board the ship to go get the treasure
and reestablish trade.
Is that what we want to do?
Maybe we should be a little bit more upfront about that
because I think the shadow is just like hiring folks.
So he could probably just like hire us as opposed
to some like weird, elaborate pirate isle
ruse with like this fake parrot.
The habits, it's not a ruse.
Maybe they really needed this stuff
and we can say, hey, you got a job for us?
Look at all the stuff we got from the pirate isle
at Zedmont.
I mean, it wouldn't hurt to offer.
Yeah, we could certainly try.
It would be like the most honest thing I've ever said.
Sure, it would be very up and up.
Maybe they need a rubber ducky and a sash
and some old rope.
We don't know.
Yeah.
We've never been on a pirate mission before.
Oh, you know what?
I shouldn't say we.
I have never been on a pirate mission before.
I've never been on one either.
Well, you guys, we did steal from that boat
that one time, so I mean.
That's true.
That's borderline.
That's a pirate mission.
Okay.
That's good thinking.
Try and brainstorm some more things
in case there's like a real serious interview component
to getting hired on with the shadow.
Are we kind of pirates?
Oh, I know, I don't think so.
Oh.
I thought with the one mission and the boat.
Well, I mean like pirates in training or something.
Look, the dock's right there.
Why don't we just walk up and see if he needs this stuff
and we'll just charm him with skills and attributes.
I love it.
Should we just ask that person, I guess?
We stand in with a clipboard at the dock, so I mean.
If you've got a clipboard at the dock,
it's like you know that that person's
gonna know what's going on.
We got so much experience.
Yeah, yeah, get those off the ship right away, okay?
Ah, moving so slow.
Excuse me, fine fellow.
Yeah, what can I do for you?
Me and my friends here, we are looking for,
and Sully looks around, the shadow.
You're looking for the shadow?
Yeah, sure, he's just over in that hole there.
Just right over there?
Yeah, there's a sign there, it says shadow hiring.
He's not very sneaky.
That booth right there?
That booth there, yeah, with that one individual
seated behind it, it says copper for your thoughts.
So wait, like we pay for our own thoughts?
Yeah, I'm not sure I understand
what that business model is, like does he,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is he telepathic?
Like I give him a copper
and then he tells me what my thoughts are?
Yeah, yeah, that's what he tries to do.
But also, he's hiring for a pirate mission?
You know, he's got his hands in a lot of pots right now.
Wow.
He's just branching out.
You know, someone came through talking,
they were putting on a show talking about the gig economy
and he really took it to heart.
That guy's going everywhere.
Right, yeah, like he's got like a side hustle,
a telepathy side hustle.
Telepathy side hustle, hiring people to do things,
taking up space on the dock.
You've been so helpful, what's your name, sir?
Seamus.
Excellent.
Thank you for, I guess, pointing out the sign.
We probably should have noticed,
but we didn't because we're so excited.
It's a busy dock
and you look like you're new around here.
You saw me with a clipboard.
Clipboards mean official.
Power.
You just, you ooze authority.
So we knew we should probably just ask him.
We flocked to the clipboard.
I thought you were the shadow.
I ooze things, but that's for another day.
Maybe we'll catch up about that later.
Maybe, we're gonna go talk to the shadow.
Get the chickens.
Okay, thank you.
Bye, Seamus.
Where do you think he oozes?
I don't even, questions like that.
You don't wanna speculate.
Let's not speculate.
You're right, you're right, you're right.
Is there a queue forming at the shadow's booth or?
Is he all alone at that booth?
Do we just see people walking up and slamming down
nickels, like what's happening here?
Are there balloons?
Is it a job fair?
I'm having like stress flashbacks
of working in radio promotions
and like being in a booth by myself
at like 9,000 events.
And the only people that would come talk to me
were like kind of random weirdos
who probably were oozing.
And then they just would like kind of hang out there
for like an hour.
Anyway, I'm sure this is nothing like that.
But for me, Carla.
No, it's very traumatic.
You know what?
We haven't had a Carla side story in a long time.
That can't possibly be true.
No, I feel like it.
I feel like it.
It's been a while.
You turn around and you see the sign,
shadow hiring, whatever I said.
That's what it says.
There is a tall, skinny person.
They are dressed in long black robes
with a black cloak over their face.
It's a very sunny, hot day.
And they're standing at this,
for lack of a better term, podium.
Instantly in my mind,
when you were talking about the black clothing,
I am picturing David on Schitt's Creek
when he's at like the Amish farm.
Yep.
100%.
Holding a pitchfork.
Yeah, of course, because why wouldn't he be?
Yes, he's standing there.
And it does say copper for your thoughts.
I walk up to the table and I slam a copper down.
Give me your thoughts.
No, the man with the clipboard said
you were supposed to tell me my thoughts.
Also, this kind of feels like a robbery
because like you just took his money
but then you demanded more.
All right, your thoughts.
I'm looking at you.
You have, the three of you look very peculiar.
Don't you read my thoughts.
No, no, just fine, just fine.
Yeah, I'm looking straight at you.
I see your friends in the periphery though.
Okay, I see.
Okay, you have lots of things on you.
It looks like you might be
a roamer's or adventurer's of some sort.
You have lots of, these are very peculiar pirate items.
You have those with you.
You're searching for something
and you're gonna find it very soon.
Ooh, so there's a good rib place around here.
You know it.
And what's the name of that rib place?
Can I need all those details then, friend?
Thick ribs.
Thick ribs, of course.
Thick ribs, yeah.
Yeah, it's just down the street.
Stacy owns it.
It's thick ribs by Stacy.
Sounds delicious.
And believable.
So, does he get to keep his copper though, cause?
I gave him his thoughts.
Did he not find the rib place?
I mean, we haven't left the table yet to check it.
But it's probably what Moot was thinking about,
let's be honest.
Well, I mean, when is he not thinking about food?
But that's not the point.
Well, you know, you look like a man who enjoys food.
Point is, I know a swindler when I see one.
Hey, hey, no swindler here.
What voice are you doing?
I don't know.
Maybe some Andrew Day's clay, what's happening here?
Dickery, dickery, dock.
This episode is fucked, because of tech issues
and just the energy we came in.
Just the weird energy we've got going on.
We're trying to match Butts Hole,
and it's just not there yet.
Can I ask you a personal question?
I would love it.
Are you the shadow?
He looks back and forth, kind of surveying the scene.
Yeah, I might be the shadow.
What are you in for?
Well.
I said it, it's committed.
Well, apparently we're in for a whole fucking cuppa
for very little information.
Look, sir, I gave you your thoughts, right?
He looks to Moot.
I mean, kinda.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, I filled in a lot of blanks for you,
but yeah, mostly.
A lot of it, he was just telling you what you were wearing.
I mean, that's true.
Some people think a lot about what they wear.
Did we get swindled?
Oh, are you looking for the shadow?
I'm the shadow.
Can I ask you why you're searching for me?
Are you, oh, wait a second.
Are you searching for adventure?
I'm sorry, I have to say.
You fucking know we are.
This is like the worst pickup line at a bar.
Are you searching for adventure?
It sounded, I'm sorry, I got thrown off,
it sounded so sexual when you asked it that way,
which maybe is what you meant, I don't know,
but we are looking for adventure,
but I just mean like, literally,
we're hoping to like go to the pirate isles,
not like a sex thing.
No, yeah, why would you think sex thing?
Well, also, we've already been to the pirate isles.
Well, we've been to the pirate isle.
Okay, yes.
I guess there was only one.
So you've come to collect your bounty.
Uh-huh.
Great, well, show me the items
and then I will give you the 500 gold per item
that you have, of course, found.
Sure, Sully, yeah, you go ahead and show them.
There's no way I'm carrying all of it, Moot.
Look at me, I'm tiny,
but I do have this sash here,
and I un-
It's a very nice sash.
There's some rope I got here, my bag.
Yes.
Who else has got the other stuff?
Well, I've got this hat, obviously,
this tri-corner hat.
Very nice hat, brings out your eyes.
Oh, thank you, that's so nice.
I've got this keg of gunpowder.
Great.
And a fuse.
Okay.
Because those go together.
Yeah, I mean, you need both of those.
And then, Moot, don't you have,
do you have the rubber ducky or?
I definitely have the rubber ducky.
Okay, yeah.
So that's what we got in the pirate aisle.
Is that rubber ducky, is that the one?
Yes, I do hear it makes bath time so much fun.
So much fun.
Oh my gosh.
So much fun.
Wow, that is, those are a great cluster of items,
but now the items that you found in the pirate aisle.
These were found.
These are from the.
Pirates.
These are from the pirate aisle.
In the Zed Mart?
Oh.
Because we got a note.
Right.
And they spelled aisle, A-I-S-L-E.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
And so, I'm thinking, it was like.
Just a miscommunication, probably.
Oh, that's what,
because we spent real money on these things.
That's unfortunate.
That, yeah.
Yeah, because you probably could have found
a lot of those things.
Because you didn't want.
You don't want any of these?
I don't.
This wasn't what you were looking for?
Well, I mean.
Oh, no, hold on.
Makes bath time so much.
I would give you a copper back for the rubber deck.
I mean.
I think you paid too several for it.
I'd keep it moved.
Yeah, that doesn't seem like a great deal.
Okay, so, okay, hold on.
Okay.
You are not going to the pirate aisle?
Well, no, I'm hiring people to go to the pirate aisle.
Oh, but not like with you?
Well, no, not particularly.
But do you have a boat?
Oh, no.
So you are hiring people with a boat.
Guys, let's go.
Well, you could rent a boat.
Like, you could rent a boat.
I mean, you have all of the gear ready to go.
Look at you.
You're practically three pirates.
Well, that's why I'm wondering why we need you,
the Shadow, as a pirate middleman.
Well, I'm the one handling.
Because I don't really understand what.
Okay.
We are going to go in a rented boat to the pirate aisle.
And you were like, yeah, come on down.
Give him your junk
and he will give you all of the gold.
Junk, excuse me, sir.
The rubber duckie is exquisite.
But we'll get back to that point.
We saw your name on a note
and something about trade routes.
And we thought you were hiring adventurers
to go to the pirate aisles
and get treasure, like, on your boat.
Isn't that what we thought?
Is that what we thought?
But also somehow that's gonna solve a trade route problem.
Okay, so you seem to have,
can I see your note?
Yeah, here, it's kind of crumpled.
You know what, I should have maybe,
we spent some time in Butts Hole
and like, I feel like.
A lot of fun in Butts Hole.
A lot of fun in Butts Hole,
but it does leave your brain not quite working
at peak smart.
You did it. Yup.
Case in point.
Oh, I see what the problem is here.
You're missing a lot of the information.
So, okay, let me tell you a tale.
Gather round my podium here.
Okay, lean in close.
Yes.
Closer.
Did anyone notice that his podium's just a table?
Shh, you're too close.
The other two of you can come in.
You take a step back.
Is it a podium?
And if so, can I reach the top of it?
Is it?
Is this too close?
No, that's good, that's good.
Yes, yes, let's feel our hot breath on our cheeks.
I don't like this. I can't hear anyone.
No, you're fine, sir.
You just keep the rubber duckies safe.
Once a time ago.
That's how the story started.
Now once upon a time, once a time ago.
Once a time ago.
Guys, we are wording the hell out of this podcast today.
Oh, so good.
So good.
Oh my goodness.
I can't.
Okay.
Go on, sir, once a time ago.
Yeah, I think I have my moot note for the episode.
Once a time ago.
There was a wonderful king who ruled the land.
His name was Lonen Borwin.
Lonen?
Lonen.
Okay.
Yes, L-O-N-A-N, Borwin.
You with me so far?
Onward.
Not really.
There was a peaceful king
who commanded and took care of the regions
of Termish and Chondeth and Tether.
You know where you are, right?
Yeah, we're in Tether.
Chondeth.
That's what I said.
Yes, yeah.
You were in Chondeth.
He ruled those lands peacefully for a long time
until one day he struck ill
and he had three children
who he was going to give the lands to.
But they didn't get along so well,
so he decided to give one of the lands to each of them
and break down his most prized possession,
his famed mace sword,
and spread the pieces across the pirate isles.
One day, when those three would find
each of those three items
and traverse through the hard-fought conquests
to find them,
it would bring them closer together,
uniting the regions.
Problem is his children didn't really...
They're kind of weak-minded
and they kind of stopped looking.
But because they thought
that this thing was supposed to bring them together,
the relationship fell apart
and they each tried to conquer the other,
breaking down and spiraling into these,
these walls built up at trade routes
and making it difficult for each region
to get the supplies that they needed.
So now we're hunting for each of those six items
in order to unite them again
and hopefully bring peace back to the region.
So just so I'm clear.
Yes.
The king,
knowing his three feeble-minded sons,
sons?
Two sons and a daughter.
Children.
He broke a sword into how many pieces?
Well, five pieces.
And then there was a gauntlet, a sixth piece.
So they would each have to find two pieces.
Yes.
And put them together.
And the adventure of this
was supposed to bring them closer together.
Yeah.
Okay, so, and then once they got the sword,
they would like all magically become a family,
happy days.
That was the hope.
You know, from back there,
I could just hear bits and pieces,
but having Sully retell it, it sounds really stupid.
Yeah, you'd think if you wanted your family
to get along, you would work on getting them
to get along while you were still alive
instead of waiting until after you had passed.
And so I can kind of see where maybe
the feeble-minded children
got their feeble-mindedness from.
Right.
Also, I mean, if they can't see
that they're just like starving
and strangling each other's kingdoms, essentially.
Yeah.
Because like, that's kind of stupid.
So we're gonna do all the work to get all the pieces
and then just hope that by giving them a full sword,
which only one of them can have, by the way,
that it's going to make everything perfectly fine again.
Well, I guess when you put it like that.
Did a magic sword?
Let me spin it to you another way.
Okay.
The pirate isles have many opportunities
and challenges amongst them.
Some of them are finding six items.
Mm-hmm.
What are the other ones?
Well, others, if you bypass the dangerous pirates
and smugglers throughout the region,
there are places you can see futures.
There are majestic beings that hold great powers
that could be utilized or bargained with
in order to achieve goals
that adventurers, like yourselves, might have.
That copper for your thoughts might tell me
that you three have your own adventure that you're on.
Sorry, can we have a minute just to talk
to just the three of us here,
if we just step away all the way back
where Moot is, maybe?
Oh, of course, yeah, yeah, no problem.
Yeah, I'll just, you just see him kind of step back.
Once a time ago, rehashing it.
How could I have done this better?
I should be recording myself so I can look at these.
Give myself some constructive feedback, criticism.
You think it's like his first day on the job, guys?
He does kind of like it.
I mean, I kind of think the shadow is not a person
and is instead just a role because you can't see them
when they're covered.
So it actually is probably just like some random person
who was swabbing a deck the day before
that has just stepped into the role of the shadow.
Yeah, I completely agree.
So, I mean, just so I'm clear,
we're here to do the good guy thing
and get trade routes back open.
Is that why we decide?
I can't, I don't remember the conversation
because there was a lot of liquor in battle.
Yeah, I'm not, I mean, it does seem like
there isn't a lot of food here.
Just, you know, there's a lot of like cloth
and other beautiful things, but clearly,
this is not the kingdom where they produce the food.
Where they eat.
Well, they want to eat, but they're not,
this is not the bread basket of the country.
So I don't know, I don't want people to starve.
I do want to help.
We're just enabling some poor rulers though, if we go in.
If we go and like kill ourselves
trying to find these pieces of the swords
and then get them and then bring them back,
I feel like the real work is gonna be done
just having the conversations with these rulers.
I don't, sword in hand, sword not in hand,
unless they really are so stupid,
they can't believe they can get along
if they don't have the sword.
But perhaps that we can ask to talk to
whoever the ruler is of this place
and just see where we get.
And just explain it back to them in a way,
like as outsiders, we can sort of hear it
in a different way and say,
it seems like this is what's going on.
Is that, is that really what's going on?
You're too close to the problem.
Maybe Moot can draw some pictures.
Oh, I could try.
Yes.
I mean, I'm not opposed to that.
I mean, I'm all for adventure,
but I, I, I, is it, is it gonna help us save the world?
I, I don't know.
I wish, I don't know.
If we knew this sword was like magic
or bringing these kingdoms together
was going to. If we got to keep it.
If we got to, sure, if we got to keep it.
I'm just not sure we should risk our lives
when we do have a destiny to save the world.
Just like heading off on an adventure seems sort of selfish.
The whole world is counting on us.
That's true.
But it's hard to know.
Is this where we're supposed to be right now?
I say, maybe, maybe we can just go talk to the ruler.
Just really see how feeble minded this person is.
That's a good point.
Sure.
Mr. Shadow.
And that's the story as it's told today.
Yeah, sorry.
Yes, yes.
Great ending, by the by.
Is there a way we can talk to the ruler of this place?
You want to talk to.
Cho-jus-nance-nce.
You want to talk to the ruler of Chondath.
Chondath, yeah, that's what I said.
Cho-jus-nance-nce.
That's how you say it.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, I suppose you could go,
you could go there, there here in Erebar.
So, you could probably go make an appointment.
And just one more time, real quick, sorry.
Sorry, Sully.
Real quick, Tether, Chondath, and.
Turmish.
Close, with shermish.
Sherm-er-der-r.
Shermish.
Sherm-er-der-r.
Shermish.
Okay, and the leader of Chondath is.
Finbar Borwyn.
Oh.
And we would find Finbar.
In the castle, and he points up to the castle.
Excellent.
Up on the hill.
Okay, cool.
You know what, we might be back.
You keep working on your story, though.
Great, yeah, okay.
So, okay, you're gonna go talk to Finbar.
Do you know, like, have people tried that before?
It seems like the most direct route.
Maybe we could just talk to them, they could talk,
they could reconcile over the love of their father,
or something.
Yeah, well, I guess you could try.
It seems pretty straightforward.
I don't know if anybody has tried.
I mean, a call was put out to go find these items,
and you know, a handsome reward, and adventure,
and you know, it's a perilous journey,
but you know, great payout in the end,
that sort of thing.
Reasoning with people, and family counseling
wasn't really in the initial argument.
I should, I just wanna say,
one thing you did miss from your story
was the great reward upon return.
Do you wanna expand on that a little bit, or?
Oh, well, it was on your note here,
500 gold per item.
Right.
I, I, I remember that one.
That's the only part of it that's stuck in my head.
I don't usually care about so much
about the fiduciary parts of the adventuring,
and you know what, Sully, I just should leave that to you,
because you are the one that knows about that stuff.
I don't, so. That's true,
and the potty woods, honest.
I mean, yeah, yeah, I mean,
if you were to find all six,
which, I mean, none have been returned currently,
I mean, that's 3,000 gold.
I mean, kingdoms have been founded on less than that.
True, but what is more important than family?
For smugglers and pirates, probably money.
Well, I mean, like, what if we were able to get it going,
get them talking, open the trade routes,
and then go out and find the pieces?
Well, wouldn't they have come together
and go find the pieces themselves?
And wouldn't that be better?
Sure, I guess so.
Who am I?
Glim, this is all your fault.
Let's fucking go.
No, I love it.
I like that you're turning down money
for us to go talk, let's go,
let's go see what Finbar is up to.
I feel dirty.
So you storm away.
Yep.
Also, keeping an eye out for the thick rib place.
Stacey's Thick Ribs?
Thick Ribs by Stacey, yes.
Also, what kind of ribs are they?
There's not a lot of food coming in and out of here.
That's a good question.
I'm hoping those big dinosaur ribs.
Oh, those are fun.
But where, like, but where are they getting them from?
Well, dinosaurs, I guess.
No, I think he means because there's like
the trade dispute, so.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, yeah, okay.
What kind of meat is it?
Good question.
You walk down a few streets
and you're hit with an aroma of sugars and flame.
You turn the corner and you see thick ribs
by Stacey, giant red marquee with yellow lettering
adorning it, lights, the only place that has a lineup.
That's a good sign.
You guys, I freaked myself out.
I can't eat here.
I mean, we could probably just ask.
If it's people?
They could have, well, I don't think it's.
Oh, I didn't think that.
I don't think people are very good eating.
What did you think I was alluded into?
Well, I guess I really didn't put two and two together.
If the trade routes are down
and they are not a farming community,
where are they getting the meat?
I see now.
Yeah.
What you were trying to say.
Guys, it smells good.
It's freaking me out.
I'm hungry, but.
Well, let's just ask someone in line.
Excuse me.
Oh, yeah, yeah, hey.
Hi. Oh, hey.
So sorry to bother you.
We heard from the shadow about this rib place.
Oh, yeah, that's a great rib place.
Thick Ribs by Stacey.
And I was just wondering what kind of ribs they sell.
Well, they are, you know,
very artisans of all things ribs,
but lately they've been bringing in
a lot of ribs from the sea.
There's the mule whale that is well-known
in the Sea of Stars here.
And that was just brought in a fresh catch there
a couple of days ago.
So as I believe, yeah, check the sign.
Can't quite see the sign inside,
but I'm pretty sure they're still serving mule whale.
Oh, mule whale.
Yeah.
Well, I've never had that.
If you had that moot, you're the foodie.
Is that seafood?
I've never even heard of it before.
Is that land food?
It's a whale that kind of has a,
it's a very interesting creature.
It kind of has like the consistency
of more like bovine meat,
but a very thick layer of like blubbery fat
that really just melts through it,
makes it very tender.
Guys, how free, on your freakout scale,
where are you at?
Are you at we can stand in line and eat these ribs
or are you at we should probably just get going?
If there wasn't a line,
I'd say maybe let's go for it,
but the longer I stand in this line,
the more I think that it's probably just people.
Wait, are they serving people here?
I don't, no, that has not been.
They're serving people here.
Everybody get out, you're probably next.
Oh my God, you guys, let's go.
They're serving people here.
Did you hear that guy?
But also the line is now gone, so.
Oh, the line is gone.
And look at the ribs, they're huge.
There's no way those could be from a person.
Oh, well, I guess we can stop for a second.
I guess.
Okay.
Middle time.
Whoa, coming in hot with hot energy.
Well, we want to make a goal,
so I got to bring the energy.
Okay.
Get people excited.
I'm excited.
Goal setting is exciting.
Big goal summer, yeah.
Come visit us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast
where we're trying to hit 85 people in our community
so we can do a live improv show.
You'll purchase the whole seat,
but you'll only need the edge.
Exactly.
That's the feeling.
How do we feel about that one?
That was good, that was good.
Do we think people are going to like it?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, cool.
If you can throw that like,
Those are in behind the ears.
Right, need the, okay, got it.
Now that I know where all the sound effects go
and have intimidated you
into going over to Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast,
we hope that you have,
but also we just would love for you
to join our community
because it's an excellent place
with a whole bunch of amazing people.
So awesome.
And lots of good stuff.
There's like a whole other show
that Tom DMs and Russ is full of beans
as a character, not the DM in that show.
And we have lots of fun
and there's baking competitions in the show.
I don't mean like on Patreon.
Bonus episodes.
But also kind of on our like Discord and stuff too.
Also, yeah, kind of on the Discord.
We will occasionally throw down.
And we do like Hangouts
and chats where we can talk about,
you know, your games
and you can get advice
from people who know what they're talking about
and also Amy and I.
Sometimes.
Hey, you're talking about our producers calls.
That's right.
Absolutely.
There's so many really awesome things
if you come and join our Patreon.
Circling back to our Discord competitions.
I was called out in a competition,
yet Andrew, I haven't seen any posts
of your breads lately.
Yeah, there has been no bread from Andrew.
There was a bread baking competition.
And Russ baked like all the bread.
Pretty aggressively.
And only Russ has participated.
So if you want to get in on that,
someone has thrown down the gauntlet towards Russ
and I think not done anything about it.
So I was gonna take it or just wanna take it.
Like homered back into the shrubs
as soon as he threw down the gauntlet.
Yeah.
He was like,
I didn't understand how extreme
this baking competition was gonna be.
Someone, please come,
listener, you're out there somewhere.
Have you been baking breads?
Knock Russ off a few pages.
Please do.
Knock Russ off a few pages.
That's how, that's the thing now.
That's a saying.
Knock him off a few pages, you guys.
Everyone says that all the time.
I'm always saying that.
That's what I thought.
Circling back again.
I hate that I just keep saying circling back.
We're just spinning in a circle.
And Russ is just circling the drain now here.
It's just a giant circle back.
I can't believe I'm saying that.
Okay, well maybe let's talk just a little bit more
because we said it aggressively at the beginning
and haven't talked about it again.
If we hit 85 patrons,
we will do a live game.
Improv game where you get to yell out your suggestions.
Well, I mean, type aggressively into the, yeah.
And tell us where we are, what we're doing,
what we see, how we do it.
And we'll try to incorporate as many of those as we can
as we're improving the hell out of the show
that you will be watching live.
We will do no prep.
We never do anyway.
We never do.
Hello.
We do sometimes a little bit.
Russ does. Zero, zero prep.
We show up, you tell us where we are,
what we're doing.
It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Okay, we're gonna get you back to the episode now.
So takeaways, discord, baking competition,
come do it.
And Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, 85 patrons.
Once we hit it, it's gonna be awesome
and you're gonna be there.
So it's gonna be even cooler.
Blah, blah, blah.
So how did it sound?
It was good.
You head into thick ribs by Stacy and we cut scene.
However long later you come out, full bellied.
Sticky fingered.
One thing that I would write on a comment card,
if my hands weren't completely covered in
some sort of barbecue sauce,
would be to include a wet towelette of some kind.
Ooh, that would be real nice.
Yeah, I agree.
But otherwise, delicious.
They were really good.
And you're right, way too big to be people.
Way too big to be people, so.
But do you think this would work on other establishments?
Like they got a really long line.
We say, I'll hear those seven people here.
And then everybody leaves and then we get to go
in the front.
I mean, that doesn't seem.
See, I'm still a little bit bad.
No, I think it's okay.
Glim, just give me this one.
Let's go sticky fingered, talking to.
You're right.
I think there's a fountain.
I'm gonna just dip my fingers in that fountain.
And then we'll go find Finbar.
Finbar, that's what I was looking for.
Or King Finbar, or Prince.
We maybe should figure that out.
Prince Regent, I'm not sure.
Yeah.
Do we know Finbar's a man?
Oh, good question.
I don't think we do.
I've never heard the name Finbar, so I have no.
You know what, you're right.
There's three siblings.
Let's not make assumptions.
Perhaps we should ask someone before we get there.
I mean, I don't think they're gonna answer
the door themselves, because royalty
doesn't really do that.
But I still feel like we should have
some basic knowledge.
Yeah, sure.
Excuse me.
Oh, hello.
What's it gonna say?
Ma'am.
Because you haven't done a woman in a while.
No.
Broom.
Ha ha.
That's right.
What can I do for you?
Sucker, your wife doesn't put out.
Excuse me.
Yeah, no, you've already said that.
Hello.
Sorry, I'm real sticky.
What's Mrs. Delfire?
So, Finbar.
Yes.
Who, is it like king or princess or?
Is it king?
King Finbar Borwyn.
Cool.
Yes.
Do you have a favorite color?
Green, green, what'd you say?
What'd you say, green?
Yeah, I would say, you'd say probably green.
Yeah, well, it's green.
Green, yeah, we'll go with green.
The confidence wasn't there,
but thank you for telling us
that it was King Finbar. Well, who has
a favorite color of a king?
How long has he been ruling?
Where is he from?
What is his family lineage?
What's his favorite color?
Next, you're gonna ask about unladen swallows.
Oh, African or European?
Good question.
We know a little already about the story
with the previous king
and then the splintering of the kingdoms,
and so, yeah.
That's why we went with color, I guess.
We're just gonna thank you.
I just want a little piece of information,
but it's fine, it's fine.
Okay.
Have a good day.
Yeah, you too.
Go get some ribs, they're not people.
Wouldn't have crossed my mind,
but have you seen the size of those things?
You guys make it up to the gate.
Sorry.
Yeah, no, I was just gonna say.
Yeah, I had no honor.
And goodbye.
Yeah, I had to,
I had to physically restrain myself from saying,
that's what she said.
And then, because I had to think on it.
All right.
You make it up to the gate of the castle,
and there are two guards standing at attention.
Hello.
Sorry to bother you while you're at work.
It's, well, I mean, it's related to your work,
so I guess I'm not that sorry.
We just were hoping to have a quick audience
with King Finbar.
Well, do you have an appointment?
Well, no, but could we just get on his schedule,
or do you take care of that?
Is there a receptionist inside?
Oh, well, let's see, hold on, let me see.
Do you have the schedule?
Do they leave like a block of appointments?
No, I don't have the schedule.
Well, they don't have the schedule out here.
Like through the day,
so that maybe like when people come up late,
they can get appointments?
Well, we'll have to call ahead here and get the schedule.
Get the sending stone here and see if we can get this.
Absolutely, we can talk to Marion about it.
Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.
It's so wonderful that you have come up here.
We haven't had many people up here.
Well, my partner, Judith,
checks the schedule with Marion.
Or go, just tell me of your tales.
Who are you?
What's going on?
I haven't seen many people up here lately.
They stay away from Master Fimbar just because,
well, you know, he's a little bit irritable.
Hasn't had his daily vegetables.
Oh.
The other bowel problem?
You're not supposed to talk about his bowel problems,
right?
This is not on the calendar.
We must not tell people.
It's specifically mentioned on the calendar,
not to mention it.
It says right here,
I can't talk about his bowel problems.
No, don't talk about his bowel,
stop talking about it.
Is there an opening?
You haven't figured it out yet.
No, not Marion!
While we're here waiting,
what's the king's favorite color?
Well, that's an interesting question here.
I mean, there's a lot of green,
but that's just from his father.
I guess he's been trying to transfer things
into more of an orange mauve.
Orangey mauve.
Oh, so in addition to his bowel problems,
he's also maybe is colorblind?
Yes.
Quite possible.
Mr. Fimba has a few issues.
Okay, no, that's good to know.
I won't show him anything with like a yellow and red,
like I don't want it to be,
that's good to know.
Thank you.
Yeah, good information.
Marion said that there's an opening in 15 minutes,
but they have to get in fast.
Oh, right.
Well, 15 minutes is,
I think they'll be able to make it in time.
Those are many stairs.
Lots of stairs there.
Are you good with stairs?
Yes.
Good.
You should be able to make it with plenty of time.
I bet you Marion will be able to escort you.
Actually, she has a cane
and probably won't want to do the stairs.
Oh, Marion doesn't come downstairs anymore.
Just point us in the right direction.
I'm sure we can get there.
That way.
Oh, so up the stairs.
Oh, quite up.
Yeah, it's where,
Okay, yeah.
You can't go down until you go up.
That's what, that's what.
To what am I?
I can't get down.
I get knocked down,
but I get up again.
I can't keep going.
No, I didn't expect this guard
to look exactly like the guy from Great Big Sea,
but he does.
Yes, it's Alydin Doyle.
And Shumba Wumba, apparently.
Some fun cameos as prison guards.
Alydin Doyle, he shows up
in many Canadian productions just randomly.
He does.
He's gotta keep busy.
Marion, incoming.
Guess Marion.
["Pomp and Circumstance"]
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season two, episode 81.
Starring Amy More as Sully,
Carla Maxted as Glim,
Tom Laird as Moot,
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
With guest Michael Howey as Wimren Saris.
Editing, production, and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound
and Kavin MacLeod of incompetech.filmmusic.io
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Mark Hartless,
Stevie, Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden,
Christian Brown, Devin Michaels, Aaron Stevens,
Eric Houlihan, and Ray Sirbeck.
To support Dumbgeons and Dragons
and our many other productions
and get access to an exclusive podcast,
bonus episodes, and help us reach our next goal,
where we'll be hosting a live improv game
for our patrons.
Please join us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
You can also follow us at facebook.com slash
dumb dragon podcast,
and on Instagram and Twitter at dumb dragon cast.
Thank you for listening.
Have a great week and we'll talk again soon.
Welcome.
Wait, are we recording?
I am now.
I was, so.
Yeah.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
I feel like there was something missing in there.
You are a robot.
I am a robot.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're not.
We're deans, you wanna say.
No, we don't say that anymore.
That's what's missing.
That's it.
I don't know why.
Because we haven't done this since February.
Yeah, that's exactly why.
That's why.
We did the other timeline like two weeks ago.
Yeah, but we had a guest.
Three weeks ago, four weeks ago.
That's right.
It's not the same when we have a guest.
No.
Have not trans, and have not personally
transferred, transported, traveled.
That's the word I'm looking for.
Oh.
That was a journey, wasn't it?
That was a journey.
Wow.
He did take us on a word journey there.
Yeah.
It's back and forth.
It says, oh, go talk to yourself.
No, he doesn't tell you.
Whoa, all right.
All right.
Okay, we're just going to record Zoom.
Oh, no.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.