Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Big Bird. That's comin' in. And snatchin' happy people.
Whoa.
And behind this figure is like this wavy black and purple, it looks almost fluid.
You can't stop. No. And he turns and begins to move towards the black and purple wall.
I want to throw something at him.
Throw it. You got a boot still?
No. Yeah, but.
You got a boot still?
I am. I'm gonna throw the boot. I've just been hangin' on to it.
And the book goes flying.
Yeah, I'm gonna stroll on over and grab that book, Russ.
Maggie, I found this note on the mayor baron's desk that said if he disappears, he wants Z and Zed to be the new mayor.
Wait, what? I guess if he doesn't show up by noon.
Unorthodox, for sure. But definitely on the up and up.
All right. Well, I mean, they were a write-in ballot, so this is still legit.
And as you're riding in the back of Mooton Sully's carriage with Rolf pulling you through the streets, everyone has come out.
But something you notice is that although everyone is out, two-thirds of the town is missing.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master, Russ More. He, him.
Also with me today is Karla Maxted.
She, her. I play Norixious Akra, better known as Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin. Also she, her.
And Tom Laird.
He, him. And I play Moot, who is a wild magic half-orc sorcerer who also goes by he, him.
And Amy More.
She, her. And I play Sullivan Sleight, a lightfoot halfling rogue. He, him.
And joining us today, from the end of time and other bothers, you know him as Eggerton. But it's Mikey.
No, sorry, sorry.
Michael Howey.
We didn't even let him speak before he hung up the Zoom call and left.
I know, right?
Come on, Russ.
Please try your call again.
Hi, I'm playing Wimmeren Ceres. I'm he, him. And Wimmeren Ceres is a male half-elf bard who is also he, him.
We're very excited to have you here and to meet Wimmeren. I'm sorry, I started with weird energy there.
I know you said don't do it, but then I did it.
I said that I was going to throw it in at some point, and now, gone.
You can't.
It's out of the way.
That's true.
I guess.
It's like the Band-Aid.
That's just the exciting thing I was looking forward to, like, how can I, whatever.
Just wait.
This first episode, we got to reincorporate one of our own characters as well as Michael's character.
So that's going to be fun.
Where we incorporate all new characters all the time is over on Patreon, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon casting.
You could be one of those characters too.
We got crazy characters.
Are patrons, are you talking about like how our patrons are like wacky and wild characters?
Like, they're such a character.
That's how I am talking about it now.
Oh.
Perfect.
I really wasn't sure it made sense that way, but they also can contribute characters and items.
So maybe that's what you meant.
Yes.
It's going to be an interesting.
Taking a lot of boxes here.
Tom, do you have a suggestion?
No, I'm a little flabbergasted to be perfectly honest with you.
Well, when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, David Olney.
Thanks, David.
Thank you.
Can we call you Davey?
Wicked job.
Wicked job there, David.
Or Davey.
Yeah.
That's the, that's what we're going with.
Nickname it everybody.
In ways they don't like.
Nobody asked for it, but I'm here.
I'm here to do it.
It's a thankless job.
In ways one specifically said not to do.
But I'm here for it.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
We hope to see you over there.
And now fuck it.
Let's play.
Glim and Wimren.
You met Injrod Tamar.
Was Wimren at the Baja Maniac's opening?
Wimren has been trying to find meaning in life.
And in this weird dancing exercise class saw a pamphlet on the wall
about someone who's real chill.
Someone who can give you answers.
Someone named Bahamut.
And just started asking some questions.
So now we've been traveling for three days.
Glim hasn't stopped talking about Bahamut that whole time probably.
So maybe it's like, I don't know Wimren,
but maybe like a little more than he wanted.
But maybe not.
I understand what you're saying.
It's just if Bahamut is the most chill,
how can Bahamut also be responsible for economic prosperity?
Oh, it's such a good question.
It's just part of the like ineffable awesomeness of Bahamut
that he can be both like totally chill all the time,
but also like really help stimulate the economy
in ways both capitalist and socialist.
It's kind of amazing.
He just can be all things to all people all the time.
The one that's really kind of holding me back right now,
I got to admit, is the trickle up.
The trickle up.
It doesn't quite make sense.
So you know how I told you,
I've been trying to sell my barding wares
and it's been a little tricky lately.
How do I get into the up trickle?
Is that something I catch?
Do I have to find like a spout of it?
Well, sometimes you can find like a sorcerer
who specializes in up trickle.
Right, right.
Or I heard about someone once who like was in the forest
and they found a magical up trickle stone.
So we can kind of keep our eyes peeled for that.
I don't really know the specifics of that exactly,
but I have enough faith that it's probably going to come to us.
Like at some point, it's going to be very obvious
how you can just like jump on that up trickle
and ride it to stardom.
It all sounds good.
It's just, it's been like three days
and we've been talking a lot about up trickle.
And we've seen crickles and we've seen crackles,
but no trickles.
And certainly none of them going upwards.
So I guess I'm just wondering,
is there like a schedule, an agenda of Bahamut's plans?
And I understand that maybe doesn't go with the chill thing,
but you know, maybe if it was an agenda with stickers.
Oh, I do love an agenda with stickers
or like the ones where you draw your own little box
and then a checklist and then you go through
and check the box,
but then also cross off the thing on the list.
Like I love that.
I don't think that's really how Bahamut rolls
because while he has a plan for everyone,
you do still have free will to like make your own choices
or search for your own up trickle
or you know, what have you.
Right, right, right.
So I don't think we can like find a scrap of paper
and solve it.
I think we just have to really keep our eyes peeled
for that up trickle stone or maybe like a unicorn or yeah.
Okay, you just said unicorn.
Well, I've just found them to always be like quite magical
and like they might know.
Yeah, but you're just now bringing up,
it's just that, okay.
So yesterday morning when you were off doing your business,
there was like eight unicorns coming down the road.
And I thought, should I go get Glim?
No, you know what?
This is a new relationship.
I don't know your boundaries.
You don't know my boundaries.
So I just let the unicorns walk past.
I enjoyed the moment in the moment as Bahamut teaches.
I just feel that if some of this information were shared earlier,
like that was, you know,
if someone came up to me with a sign that said prophecy
and smacked me in the face with it,
I might see eight unicorns walking down a road.
I don't know.
I see what you're saying.
First, thank you for not interrupting me
when I was having my private time.
I do really appreciate that.
It's important.
I think you're right.
And I mean, if you saw eight unicorns,
I bet there's going to be more unicorns
just around the corner.
That's the way I've always approached life.
It's, you know,
there's always more unicorns around the corner.
You crest over top of a hill and you go around the corner
and there's unicorns.
Damn, I don't know if we want to meet a unicorn again, you guys.
We've had some issues with unicorns in the past.
There is one specific unicorn who's out for blood
and it's all Tom's fault.
So you crest over this hill and you see before you,
the city of Hardcastle is a walled city.
There's some broken down tents, some set up tents.
There's a couple of caravans pulling through.
I see though what catches your eye particularly
is there's a spiral of smoke coming from the center of the city.
So spiral smoke.
Bahamut, have anything to say about that?
Or is that just like a duck penis and smoke format?
You know, nothing explicitly about it,
but I like to follow anything unusual.
So I say let's follow the duck penis smoke.
All right.
Let's continue on.
Are you running at this point?
How are you traveling?
We hadn't really established that.
I've imagined that Glim probably walks rather straightforward.
That's my impression.
So I presume I'm just sort of crisscrossing behind,
trying to figure things out.
Yeah, perfect. Love it.
With more determination now, Glim is walking forward.
Crisscrossing behind is Wimren.
You get to the gate and where you would expect to see guards,
you see a shield and an axe just dug into the earth.
There's no guards around.
Just those two.
And there's a smiley face on the shield.
Huh, it does seem like normally there'd be a guard here,
but I've had some trouble with city guards in the past.
Not here, but just in other cities.
So I'm happy to just keep on walking
and count our Bahamut blessings that there is not a guard here.
How about you?
I ordinarily would feel maybe uneasy in this situation.
It seems like something may have happened and it's not okay,
but there's a smiley face.
And if it wasn't okay,
someone would not have taken the time to draw a smiley face, right?
Absolutely.
It's a good sign.
Maybe this is the beginning of the up trickle.
Maybe this is it.
Yes, this is a good start to our entrance into Hardcastle, I think.
You're following the smoke leading to the center of the city,
and it wraps around and down through some streets.
It's a rather quiet city.
There's a few people out.
They're looking up at the smoke
and also trying to figure out where it's coming from and what's going on.
You round a corner and you find that it looks to be coming from
what you could describe as a small castle,
a small town hall center.
And it's coming out of one of the top windows,
like pouring out of this top window.
Someone's having a bad day.
Yeah, no kidding.
Do you think the kitchen's up there?
Maybe, maybe.
It could be some kind of alchemy as well.
With that, an explosion goes off inside an out-shoot moot and sully
who fall down onto a carriage filled with hay.
Huh.
These are my friends I was telling you about.
Guys, guys, we're here.
Are you, are you, are you okay?
Glim, is that you?
I don't know.
Are you okay?
There's smoke in my face.
There's a hideous scream that comes from the window up top
and out-shoots like this eight-foot giant spider
wielding a dagger.
God, this asshole again.
Yeah, everybody roll for initiative.
I only rolled a five.
Oh, plus five is 10.
Look at that, I doubled it.
17 plus two is 19.
You don't have to show off, Mike.
11.
Also 10, but with a zero bonus, so I'll go behind sully.
This giant spider shoots out.
Wimren, your first initiative.
It lands like down beside where moot and sully have landed
down, these two people who you probably have heard of
via Glim, and it's moving towards them,
wielding this, what looks in its hands to be a dagger,
but could be considered a sword to most.
How far away are they?
Let's say you're about 15 feet away.
Like, they landed pretty near where you were.
I'm going to assume that these are good people being
attacked by a giant spider of some sort who just came
out of a weird twisty smoke-filled building.
So I'm going to, I feel like I gotta play with a new toy.
So I kind of, I spin to look,
and it's confusing and concerning,
but I can see Glim is getting amped up
and that these are the people I've been told about.
So I pull out Bad News, which is this ranged device
of rather significant consequence.
Does it need to be loaded first?
It does require a load, but I would, you know,
depending on how you carry it, yeah.
Okay, so I spin around and I just take a shot
at this giant spider thing.
All right.
So that's going to be arranged?
Yes, sir.
All right.
17.
17 does hit.
All right.
And I get 2D12 plus one.
So that's 12 and 11.
Damn.
This is a lot different than my normal experience
doing this FYI.
You're doing a great job.
Welcome to our show.
Come on back any time.
Yeah, you shoot in and like, where do you aim?
Well, I think if it's a giant spider,
you aim at the big squishy part of the back, right?
Huge backside to this thing.
You shoot and it goes in and like blasts out
and it lets out this huge shriek
as like green and black ooze start pouring out of it.
Anything else you want to do on your turn?
I think just like, as the stuff sprays out,
just like a good like, just one.
You're right.
It's the adrenaline.
Hope this is a judgment free zone.
You can only allow yourself one.
Yep.
Because two is vomiting.
Glim, you're up next.
I am going to run up to the spider
and attack it with the Vorpal Sword,
which, oh, for God's sakes.
Well, I rolled a one.
So that's a nine, so that totally hits, right?
I'm really safe inside of the cart filled with hay.
I don't think she could probably slice through me from there.
No.
Okay.
Just, you know, making sure.
Sounds like something that might happen.
Yeah, no, that doesn't hit.
It's the spider's turn.
And it's going to try and use its web attack on Wimron.
And as we know, it's coming from spinnerets
because we know all about spider anatomy.
We know all about spider anatomy.
That's going to be a 23 to hit you.
That's a hit, yeah.
So you get blasted by this like huge glob of web
that like knocks you back into the ground.
There's ooze mixed in because you shot through its body
and it's just everywhere now.
As an action on your turn, you can make a strength DC 11 check
to try to get out on your turn.
Yeah, that's all it can do right now.
It's all it can do.
It's all it can do. Sully, you're up.
Can I ask you how long have we been fighting this spider
before we got thrown out of a window?
How long have you been fighting this spider
before you got thrown out of a window?
I'd like to know.
I'd like to know too.
How long have you been fighting this spider
before you got thrown out of a window?
I feel like...
Let's say like six rounds?
Yeah, I feel like it's been a while.
And you probably see very little damage on this spider
because of that.
But you're cut up and yeah, absolutely.
God, I'm so fucking tired of this woman.
Okay, and I pull out my frightful sort of reflection,
which I haven't yet used.
Very excited.
Okay, as soon as Mike was like,
I'm going to play with a new toy,
I'm like, I want to play with a new toy.
Let's try it.
Why not?
Let's go for it.
Oh no.
It went to an 11,
and then it tipped back onto a four.
Plus seven.
Well here we're back at 11.
There we go.
It still doesn't hit.
Oh, that's no good.
So how does your mist look?
I feel like the sword is a little oversized
for my halfling self.
And just heavy.
The weight's off.
It's just the hilt.
I just fumble with it.
The spider turns its head back down to you
and sluts out the spittle filled scream.
Moot, it's your turn.
What's in the path of me and the spider
and behind the spider
in let's say like a 15 foot cone?
A building?
Just picking an arbitrary number there.
So you guys landed in the carriage.
Probably fell backwards.
The spider landed between you and the building.
So the building appears to be made of stonework.
But yeah, not much else.
Okay, perfect.
I'm going to cast Burning Hands at the spider.
So I kind of put my hands together
and out comes like some shooting flames
and I need a deck saving throw from you.
That one.
Perfect.
Does that mean you get more damage?
No.
So you're going to take some fire damage
as you eat some flames here.
Sweet.
Eat them.
Four on the first one.
You know what?
Give me max damage
because that wasn't that one.
Max damage?
All right.
Well then you are taking 18 fire damage.
Like the hairs on the back of this thing are a lit.
And I'm going to roll a d20.
Oh yeah, please do.
That was also a one.
Wow.
Magic search table.
Not another unicorn though.
I wasn't even prepared for this.
Neither was I.
Because it will be the same unicorn.
Please not a unicorn.
The ones always come when you're least prepared for them.
But I'm always prepared for them.
They always do show up.
That is an 80.
Yeah, your flames go up.
The hairs on the back of the spider light up.
And then suddenly there's this swirling air.
And the air within 10 feet of you, all around you,
is filled with butterflies and flower petals
that just seem to float and flutter all around you.
Wymron, it's your turn.
Mo, that's fucking beautiful, man.
Wow.
I don't even know how I did that.
What have you guys been doing since I've seen you?
I'm really concerned that whatever that gooey stuff was
has really gotten into my bloodstream quick.
I just need to know if everyone else can see the butterflies.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the butterflies.
OK.
OK, thank you.
I appreciate it.
I'm going to just try and get this goop off now.
17 minus 1 is 16.
So I wrestle free of the web.
You bust free.
So that's your action.
You still got any bonus action or movement?
Can I reload?
You could reload.
Yeah.
I don't know if it says what that counts as.
Reload.
I like the action that Michael is in to reload it.
Can be fired a number of times equal to its reload score.
You must spend one attack.
We'll say that's a bonus action to reload,
because that's more fun.
So yeah, you get one reload.
Cool.
But yeah, you can load and reload on a turn.
OK.
Glim.
I am going to attack again.
Well, I'm going to try to attack again with the Vorpal sword.
Much better.
That's a 27.
Eww.
Eight damage.
But as a bonus action, I am also going to cast ensnaring strike.
OK.
So you have to do a saving throw to see if you are ensnared as magical thorny vines.
Strength.
Three.
You are a large or larger creature, or are you a medium-sized creature?
Medium.
Well, then you don't get to do it again.
Ensnared.
All right.
Consider me ensnared.
At the start of each of your turns, you're going to take 1d6 piercing damage.
But you can make a strength check.
At the end?
To be freed.
OK.
It is my turn, so I'm going to take 1d6 piercing damage.
Great.
That's two.
I will take it.
Is there anything I can do without moving?
Yeah, there is.
Spider is going to cast on Glim.
Make a wisdom saving throw.
OK.
18.
I feel like that's good.
Yes, 16 is to beat.
So it tries to cast hold person on you.
You are not held.
And then it's going to make a strength.
That's 13.
Bell save DC is 13.
So it met it.
So does that mean more free?
See?
Let's have this conversation.
Can we have this conversation every time, please?
Active, passive.
It's trying to break.
Because you're active.
Yeah.
So it breaks free.
Yeah.
I feel like it's different every time.
It's the same.
I know.
It's always active.
Sometimes it makes perfect sense to me.
And other times it's like I'll twist it around and I can't do it.
Magic's weird.
Sully, it's your turn.
Magic's weird.
Butterflies everywhere.
Ensnaring things.
Spider broke out.
Guy with a gun who's recharging, reloading a gun.
Yeah, I was paying attention.
Sully definitely wasn't, though.
He was looking at the butterflies.
He's going to try his frightful sort of reflection again.
Let's see how this goes.
I'm going to use a different dice.
Oh, fuck.
14.
No.
Really?
Really.
Anything else you want to do?
I want to try to touch the butterflies.
Try to touch them in your finger.
Just can't quite get them.
Yeah.
It's sad.
Boop.
It's your turn.
I'm going to cast Magic Missile.
So I throw up some glowing darts and hit this spider in its legs.
I would like to target its legs.
Go for it.
I mean, they hit automatically.
I guess I target their legs.
So that is 11 force damage.
Tell me how you kill Maggie's spider.
Turns out after my first two darts hit the front legs, it kind of like falls forward a little bit.
And then the next one just hits it right in the forehead.
Yeah, the head explodes out as it's like the legs collapse.
There's this huge shriek and then the head explodes backwards.
And you see the butterflies kind of just move quickly around it.
I rolled another net one.
What?
Okay, roll me that.
This is the most exciting day.
What is happening?
I love it.
We've had four net ones already.
Yeah, it's very, it's very.
31.
I hope you shrink.
It makes me so happy when it happens in this instance and no other.
Moot disappears.
Oh, good.
Wait, do his butterflies stay?
Nope.
Moot, you find yourself.
Yeah, you find yourself in the astral plane.
Okay.
With butterflies all around you.
It's beautiful.
There's swirling colors.
It's dark.
A little bit like you can't breathe.
And we come back to your friends.
Guys, I lost Moot.
Yeah, I don't know.
Did you guys like take an invisibility potion before we got back or?
No, maybe he turned into like remember when he was a sheep that one time.
Oh, you're right.
And I see a dog.
Is that Moot?
Oh, oh my God.
Come over here.
We chased this random dog.
Is no one going to talk about the giant spider that just tried to kill us?
And Moot is back.
Did I?
Oh, I thought maybe I died.
Did I die?
I'm wrestling this dog to the ground.
Moot, it's us.
Moot.
I'm like yelling at the dog.
Guys, guys, I'm over here.
Guys, I'm over here.
I can hear him.
You're in there somewhere, buddy.
I just go over and I like grab Sully's shoulder.
No, no, I'm I'm over here.
Oh, oh, oh my God.
We thought for sure you were that dog because remember, it's the sheep and.
Oh, sure.
Yep.
I look across the street and there's a family looking.
This dog was on a leash, but it was retractable.
It was like pretty far away.
I'm really sorry.
That was, you know.
I'm so sorry.
Could you get off our dog, please?
Yeah, no.
We thought.
You know what?
I'm so small.
The dog was it was really a fair fight.
This is a rescue dog.
We were just trying to find a nice home for it.
Wait, you didn't rescue this dog?
We were pretending.
All right.
You virtue signal over there.
Should we?
I'm just going to.
Moot, where did you go?
I don't know.
It was it was kind of dark, but also light at the same time.
But the butterflies came with me.
So that's.
They're still there.
Oh, yeah.
So they.
Wow.
They came with me and now they're back and I don't know really where.
I don't know.
If it was dark and then light with your eyes previously shut and then you open
them.
Oh, maybe.
Maybe.
OK, OK.
I need to summarize here.
So people get blown up out of a window.
Giant spider attacks them.
Giant spider attacks me.
I get sticky.
Spider flies.
Then spider blows up.
This guy disappears, then comes back.
There's butterflies, but it's just his eyes are closed.
Yeah, I think that.
Yeah, I think it's pretty pretty.
All right.
Who's this guy?
This is this is my friend Wimron.
He came with me from Gerod Tamar and I've been telling him all about
Bahamut.
And of course, all about you guys.
And it looks like you were busy because you were I don't know.
Were you doing alchemy or you were cooking a pie and you were smoking
and you exploded?
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, typical stuff for us.
We were at the pub last night and then some things went sideways and
then the explosion out of window.
Giant spider fight.
You know, typical.
I mean, that sounds that all tracks.
That sounds totally right.
Good job killing the giant spider.
I hit it a few times in the building before anybody saw anything.
Oh, sorry.
Did real good before anyone saw anything.
I slapped it in one of its eyes.
It's the middle baby.
Yeah, it is.
Welcome to the middle.
It's the Amy and Russ middle.
It is because we didn't want that Tom and Carla to get all the all the
fun and excitement.
No, that's not true.
That's that's not why we're doing this.
Why are we doing this?
Well, you know, when when you've got people who need a break.
Oh, yeah.
And how we respect each other's time.
Yeah, that too.
And we live together and can do this easily.
Yeah, all those things.
And sometimes Russ and I just want to be with you guys by ourselves.
That's true.
Yeah.
Thank you for joining us here in this lovely episode where we have the one
only Michael Howie.
Oh, my gosh, which we are just changed forever because of.
Yeah.
No, this first episode where things are going real wild and crazy.
Just wait for the second episode.
It's off the rail.
Yeah.
So that's going to come in a couple of weeks.
But in the meantime, after you're done listening here, make sure you go
Michael plays Eggerton.
Totally not a chaotic character over there.
And no laughs.
It's not funny at all.
Very serious.
Yes.
Hard hitting stuff.
Listen to the tone in our voice and go listen to the end of time and
other bothers, but also go listen to Defender Radio.
That's Michael's other podcast.
Because if you know anything about podcasters, you can't just have one
podcast.
It's like it's like potato chips.
So, yeah, Defender Radio is about protecting Canadian wildlife and
showcasing all of the species that they are trying to promote and
raise money for to help out.
It's a great podcast.
Excellent cause.
Yeah.
Go check it out.
And now we're going to get back to the episode.
So thank you for joining us.
Enjoy the rest.
And we'll talk to you all soon.
Love you.
Bye.
OK, bye.
OK.
Well, that was the receptionist.
They have spider receptionist.
It makes sense.
They have eight arms.
You're right.
They would be so good at it.
She was previously just like a regular like human person.
Yeah.
Standard lady.
And anyway, we were told by new management, Zed and Zee, who I'm
pretty sure run this place now, that we can rifle through anything to
find out, you know, all the bad stuff.
They had a mayor or a baron, a mayor baron and no good bad guy.
So we were just going through his stuff and we found some real like
a secret compartment and there was like bones and bongs inside of it.
And then she just went all like arachnoid crazy.
Do you have the bones still or they're still like up in the.
Did you grab them?
Well, I think they're still up there unless that explosion did something to them.
I definitely put them in my pocket.
Oh, I didn't even see that, Sully.
I have a sleight of hand.
You are sneaky.
I'm so sneaky.
Roll sleight of hand to see how much you grabbed.
You mean how many?
How much bones?
How many bones were in there?
He just grabbed one bong.
Yeah, I was supposed to get the bones.
That's news to me.
Twenty three.
You have one bong and for what looked like vertebrae.
I'm sorry.
How many bones were in there?
More than four?
There was there were more than that.
I didn't grab them all.
We want to go back.
I was just trying to save us some time.
Storywise and you know, the amount of stairs that we had to do.
Turns out when you're exploded out a window, you don't have to do any stairs.
Well, actually, I get a bonus for that on this tracking thing that I carry when I go town to town.
So actually, if you don't mind, could I maybe just, you know, like get you to wear it and do the explosion thing again?
I'm sorry.
Really use the bonus.
You get a bonus every time you get thrown out of a window.
Yeah, because of the acceleration.
Oh, because it looks like you're running so fast.
Yeah, yeah.
It's perceived speed.
That's what it's tracking.
You know what?
Put down that dog over there.
Oh, good idea.
And I go and I chase the dog down.
Oh, dang.
You're doing it.
Okay, make a dex check.
Roll for dog.
Chase that family dog down.
Yeah.
That family dog.
13 plus one.
14.
Okay.
Yeah.
Wimron runs off, chasing the dog and the family down.
The family starts to run with the dog, leaving the three of you there.
Well, I've really missed you guys.
It's just business as usual.
He'll come back.
Maybe.
How did the big opening go?
Oh, it was so good.
People were just so hungry for fitness and Bahamut, you know?
And the baguettes?
And the baguettes.
I guess have a load.
So your buddy there, is he a groupie now?
Like a Bahamaniac that you have around?
Helps to spread the word?
No, I think he's just absorbing the Bahamut knowledge right now.
I don't think he's ready to start spreading the good news himself, but I think he's just,
you know, kind of learning and looking to get ahead in the world like we all are.
Okay, okay, okay.
No, I don't know if this is in the scriptures anywhere yet, but some people react poorly
when you chase them covered in spider ichor, waving a gun,
and a magical fitness device while screaming Bahamut loves.
Oh, yeah, you just really learn something new every day, don't you?
Who could have guessed that?
And after all that cardio we did together.
Yeah, did you get the tracker on the dog or?
Oh, it's on the dog.
Oh, nice.
Well, it's with the dog.
It's with the dog.
Let's say that way.
It's fine.
Let's chill out.
So a bong.
That's cool bones.
What's that all about?
You know what?
Maybe we should go back upstairs.
Number one, to get out of the street.
Those children looked real scared and the family looked real mad.
But there were more than just these like these spina pieces.
Can I, I guess, roll like inside or something to see if, like,
I know what these are other than bones or what?
Be like arcana maybe.
Like if they're like bones for spells.
Archaeology?
Do we have an archaeology?
What if it's in nature?
It is bones.
You can you can look at them however you want.
They look like three vertebrae right now.
Whole vertebrae?
And how big are they?
Or three vertebra?
Three vertebra.
Okay.
I was thinking like, whoa, my pockets are huge.
Spines.
Like ducks in a window.
It's like a magic trick.
It just keeps coming.
You got like a C6 and A4.
Okay.
And how big are they?
Like human size or big?
No, like human size.
Sully, that's kind of gross.
I didn't.
Was there a whole skeleton
and you just like yoinked these out of the spine?
No, no.
It was just like a whole drawer full of them.
I mean, that's also gross.
The skeleton was in the drawer?
No.
Like pieces.
Yeah, it was like the bone drawer.
Like someone was doing a skeleton puzzle
and you just like stole three pieces out of it
because like that's kind of rude.
Why?
They're going to get almost done
and then be like,
you can't hold up his own neck now.
And they're middle pieces too.
How annoying is that?
Because you're going to start with the toes and the skull
and work in and you're going to get...
See, look, that's an E6, right?
If you count down and use two fingers
and you do the thing.
So that's going to be like the end of the night.
Everyone's sitting around.
Look, we're almost done with the puzzle, everyone.
Huzzah, huzzah.
We got through this difficult harvest season.
And then three missing vertebrae
and a missing bong.
So someone's not going to have a good night either way.
I think we're missing the point
that this was a really bad dude
and I don't think these bones were given voluntarily.
Oh, you think this was like his like weird murder drawer.
Yeah, I think it was very fanarious.
Did you guys kill this guy already?
Oh, yeah.
Wait.
Not exactly.
Not like dead.
He kind of like jumped through a portal
but he left this book behind
and I rummaged through my bag and I pull out this book.
And what's the book called?
I don't know.
It's just got a bunch of ruins on it.
Can I read the book?
Can I read the ruins?
You can roll a religion.
I mean, if anyone should be able to roll
a decent religion check around here.
You know, it's crazy though.
I don't have really high religion.
You do in your heart though.
That's where that...
I do in my heart.
Is it 16?
You get a sense that you've seen ruins like this
in a book you read probably back at home.
They were surrounding like lore around demons,
devils and the abyss.
Just general knowledge.
And then there were like samples of similar ruins
like within the page.
But there's no direct translation
that you would be able to come up with for them.
Have we checked this book for pictures?
Yeah, I'd say you would have scanned through it
and there are definitely pictures of...
Like in the middle and they're glossy
and it's like so nice to just look at and flip through.
I don't even know what the book's about
but I like the pictures.
There are pictures of what look like organs.
You would have seen...
Wait, like hearts and lungs are like...
Both.
Both?
Both.
Different sections.
One's in the first glossy section,
one's in the second glossy section.
You would have seen pictures of images of sacrifice,
like people sacrificing themselves or others.
There would have been one image that you saw
of a landscape of like this roiling death place.
Like where the landscape looked like it's made from
decayed humanoid parts.
Just a field of bones.
Yeah.
I think I have a timeshare there.
It's like Northern Florida.
Right?
Yeah.
Rings of El.
Exactly.
You make it back up there,
there's clouds of smoke and stuff coming out.
It looks like the flames have kind of extinguished themselves
on the explosion.
You're able to crouch down
and get back to where you found this drawer.
How was there an explosion?
Did she throw a spider bomb at us first?
Yes.
Neat.
Well, the green goblin showed up.
It was a whole thing.
There looked to be like vials along one wall
and as you were fighting with her.
Oh, you don't have to explain.
It's okay.
Bombs.
Yeah.
A spider bomb was thrown at us
and that threw us out the window.
It was an alchemy and mixing of vials.
No, it was a spider bomb.
It's cooler.
Roger that.
It was a spider bomb.
You make it back to the drawer.
Sully, you're probably zipping to the drawer.
Yeah.
You get back to the drawer
and inside there looked to be
the rest of the vertebrae
to make up a full spinal column.
There is a pelvic bone
and a goat head skull.
So there's a goat head skull,
but do the rest of these bones look goaty?
No.
The pelvic bone and the vertebrae
look humanoid
and they're all resting in this
porcelain basin that's in this drawer.
It's weird.
You guys do weird stuff.
I mean, Bom, it's cool.
I'm looking for some sales.
I've got stuff to sort out,
but this is just weird.
I mean, while we're in here,
we should look for that trickle-up stone.
Maybe there's one.
Oh, good idea.
I want to take a look for that.
I am going to agree with Wimren
that this is weird and gross
and it's making me very uncomfortable.
So should we destroy these bones?
I was just thinking maybe some smashing,
because obviously these are used
for some sort of
like, you know,
incarnation of its magical...
You get it.
You know, just like when calling upon
the, you know, butterflies.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm out of my depth here.
I'm not going to lie.
Real bad vibes here.
That's for sure.
I want to smash a goat skull.
Dibs.
Dibs on the goat skull.
Oh, are we smashing things?
Can I do like this whole row of weird
alchemy bottles that are precariously
stored on the wall,
but haven't blown up yet?
Oh, okay.
Absolutely.
Can we smash the bones first
and then all step away
a little bit while you do that?
That sounds good to me.
I'm going to take my staff of the adder
and just start to like
smash the skull
with my awful, very like
jerk-off hand motions.
I just use apologies
to everyone watching that.
It's like I was jerking off a giant.
It was awful.
So sorry.
Okay.
I don't know if it was awful.
It's two-hander.
It was a big skull
and a smaller staff
because I had it tailored.
Things have gone weird.
I've lost the thread.
Yeah, no.
It's here somewhere though.
It all makes sense.
Okay.
Well, yeah, we can do
what you want to do.
I mean, I kind of pictured
like an office space,
like, you know,
destroying the printer kind of move,
like some hardcore rap
starts up in the background.
I totally just spit beer
all over myself.
Thanks for that.
Can I have a tissue?
I mean, I have...
You can do whatever you want to do.
I have that war pick.
So, I mean,
it's basically a magical sledgehammer.
Yeah.
So we take a moment
and the four of you go around
and smash these bones
and yeah, they break.
There's nothing,
any magical or imbued about them.
They smash with the appropriate force
that you would expect them to smash.
All right.
You want to like
break some jaws of stuff?
Yeah.
I mean, we've got all of these
glass things up on the wall
and we've already smashed the bones
if we're going to keep smashing stuff.
I think just, you know,
these colorful vials
are a great place to start.
Are any of them labeled?
No.
Excellent.
Is there anything else that looks
like what is even in this room?
A wall of vials,
which is very tempting.
Bone drawer with weird porcelain...
The drawer with a porcelain chalice
with the bones.
Yeah, there's a wall of liquid,
various different vials of liquid
with ranging colors.
It looks like outside of that,
like you walked through what is now
an exploded sec, you know,
entry to what looks like a higher up office.
The desk and everything is like charred
and burned on top of the secretary's desk.
The office in and of itself
has a sign hanging from it
that says,
off to find the Grizzly Graers.
And then it's like it's scattered papers,
mostly from the tussle,
the fight that went on.
Otherwise, it just looks pretty,
like a standard office.
Well, nothing else looks great in here.
And I feel like this is a real bad dude.
So I guess Wimren do your worst.
Yes, but I'm really...
Swing away.
I'm going to step away.
We're just going to go over there.
I'm just going to back up
and you do whatever you want to do.
Well, you know, it's starting to get a little late
in the day, I think.
So why don't I just cork one?
I'm going to take the skinny purple bottle
and just cork it.
I'll put that in my tunic.
And I'm going to take one small orange one
and just chuck it out the hole in the wall
and see what happens.
Okay.
So you threw it outside?
Yeah, just...
Just at the people of the street.
Okay.
You're bringing fun energy to this.
Not at the people into the street.
Just out the thing.
There's no consequence to this action.
No.
Can there be?
No, you...
Have you played with rest before?
There's so many consequences.
You...
You toss it out and you hear like this loud...
And then there's kind of like this churning sound.
Cool.
All right.
So what's next?
Well, I guess more investigations.
Like, Sully, remember there's two thirds of the people
in Hardcastle just disappeared.
Yeah, the houses are just kind of empty.
Like, people just went on vacation,
but like in the middle of the day today.
Oh.
Well, that's bad.
Lots of weird stuff's been going on here.
There's something going on in a lot of the cities.
Is it?
Because sometimes I think it might be us.
Because every city we go to,
something messed up's happening.
But you're saying you've seen it too?
Well, it is what I haven't seen.
I mean, like I've got all of these barding goods here.
Look here.
Okay.
So here, I'll give...
You can have this leer.
Oh.
Yeah, play with that.
Okay.
All right.
And I've got a couple of pan flutes here and a harmonica.
I think it's in G, G sharp maybe.
I'll just pass those over to you, Glim.
You can have those for now.
And I've also got these fun little things where you...
It's a quick drawing thing and you draw someone
and it teaches you how to draw them in different situations
they're not actually in.
That's a really popular thing at the bars.
Anyway, all of that's gonna be about 15 gold.
You can just pass that on to me when you're ready.
But it's been really interesting
because I've been going into these cities
and there's often just no one around anymore, right?
Normally you'd go in and there'd be people like,
hey, what are you doing here?
I've got stuff.
I want to get stuff.
And everyone wants to trade.
And there's someone in the stocks
and there's tomatoes and there's a dragon
and there's blood in the streets.
There's something going on.
Sure, typical city stuff.
Yeah, it's been pretty quiet.
Huh.
I'm sure it's nothing, but...
I am relieved it's not just us.
Sully, I was kind of thinking the same thing.
I know it's my fate to save the world and blah, blah, blah,
but it did seem like we were kind of bringing ruin
and destruction everywhere we went,
which doesn't seem like the best way to save the world.
So I'm glad it's not.
Is it like one of those,
you have to break a couple eggs to make an omelet situation?
I mean, I was starting to think that, but I'm glad.
Well, gosh.
On one hand, I'm glad it's not just us.
On the other hand, not happy to hear that maybe things are bad
kind of everywhere.
Yeah, that makes it sound like saving the world
is going to be like a really big job.
I kind of expected it to be a little bit like,
you know, like funneled down into a specific location.
Do we have to go all over this place saving people?
Yeah, I really don't know.
You know, things have sort of...
I don't want...
I know you guys probably think I'm like been through a lot
and I'm pretty tough and I have like a lot of character,
but really like life's been pretty easy for me.
And I sort of thought this whole saving the world thing
would just like keep working that way.
You know, I just like go and people would be kind and helpful.
And then we just keep doing that
and then everything would be great.
I think that maybe that would have been the path you were on.
But you invited me into this journey
and I've never had that experience.
Oh.
Well, I guess I hoped that just you guys would be with me
and we'd all like maybe get a bit scared
and it'd be a bit dangerous,
but mostly like we'd just be fine.
There is something I heard.
I don't know if it's substantial
and I don't know if it really has anything to do
with what you're doing.
And I don't know if you're going to save the world with it.
I'd have a good rumor though.
It is a good rumor.
So like you know that there's the trade routes
are all up in the air right now, right?
No.
What's happening with that?
So you've just been in a circle.
Okay, wait, wait.
Let's backtrack.
How long have you been on the road for?
Oh gosh, like a pretty long time.
Yeah, it's been a little bit.
I've grown kind of a beard.
Okay.
So you know of the difficulty in getting things
between Termis, Chondeth and Tether right now?
No, no.
I haven't even heard those words before.
Those are places.
Glim.
Yeah, I mean, through context clues, I assume.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, they're presumably places.
They could be something else.
I mean, they could be, you know, like brands, right?
Different planes.
There you go.
Portals too.
I mean, anything is possible.
But so there's some trade issues.
We don't really get it.
Yeah, it's complicated and it's the soap opera sounding thing.
And I've got like, I've heard writings about this paragraph that explains it,
but I really haven't spent a lot of time looking for it.
But you know, I'll dig around my bag as we're going.
I have it written down on a slip of paper somewhere because I thought it was important.
We hear barking outside the hole in the wall.
Oh, that's my friend.
He's back.
He's probably come back with the thing.
You go look out the hole in the wall and there's this huge,
churning orange portal that the dog is running towards.
You can get some mad bonuses when that dog goes through there.
And it keeps running and falls in and then the portal sucks up clothes behind it.
Question.
Was it still on a leash?
Is there a leash just like sticking out of the ground?
Yes.
Is there a child holding the end of it?
Sad do you want this to be?
Yeah, a child comes running around the corner and says, Sparky, Sparky, where are you?
Dumbgeons and Dragons Season 2, Episode 79, starring Amy More as Sullivan Sleight,
Carla Maxted as Glim, Tom Laird as Jemima, and the rest of the cast of the show.
We'll be right back.
Maxted as Glim, Tom Laird as Moot, and me, your Dungeon Master, Russ More,
with guest Michael Howey as Wimren Saris.
Editing, production and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Sound Ideas and Boom Library.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Mark Heartless,
Stevie, Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Devin Michaels, Aaron Stevens,
Eric Houlihan, and Ray Surbeck.
To support Dumbgeons & Dragons and our many other productions and get access to an exclusive podcast
called The Adventure Self, bonus episodes, and much more, please join our Patreon at
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
You can also follow us at facebook.com slash dumb dragon podcast.
And on Twitter, at dumb dragon cast.
Thank you for listening.
Have a great week, and we'll talk again soon.
For your knowledge.
The old lady.
If you're new.
This is not the first time Russ has been like, oh, hey, this is this thing.
And we're all like.
I'm having such a moment.
It was such a long time ago.
Michael had a list of things about the podcast, so he is actually much more informed
about what's happening.
You probably know so much more than I do right now.
Maggie was Baron Jasek's secretary.
For your for your knowledge, which you can explain in podcast here shortly, Maggie,
you don't know this.
Maggie turned into a giant spider wielding a dagger because you found a secret compartment
inside the ex-baron's office.
Oh, did I see what was in the compartment before she turned into a giant spider?
Where's the smoke coming from?
Some bones.
That's where the smoke's coming from.
It's bongs.
Zed and Z gave you basically carte blanche to go search the entire place.
But now we're in combat.
Oh, gosh.
So this is the really nice elderly secretary.
Yeah.
She turned into this.
I don't recall her being super nice.
I thought she was OK.
She'd never wait for very long.
She was a sex fiend, but I don't remember her being overly nice.
I really missed a lot.
Oh, fuck.
Well, you know what? I've forgotten a lot of it.
Sorry, Michael, I'm not this sloppy, usually.
You just caught me.
Maybe laugh.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.