previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
The city?
Yeah, this here.
Do you guys know if there's any trouble?
I don't know about trouble. We got a new mayor recently.
Oh, they nice?
He's a pretty chill dude.
Do we let them in? They seem pretty chill.
Yeah, we're not supposed to let people in.
Okay, but you have to be the one to tell them no then.
No.
Maybe we did not explain the reason for us being here very well.
We actually have a destiny to save the world.
Whoa. The world.
We're going to come with you to see the baron.
And I'm going to place my axe down where I stand.
I'll put my shield down, except that it's very distinct that the shield has a smiley face that has been carved out with like a dagger.
They'll never know you're gone.
And you're here to stop the trouble. Well, I mean, I look around. I see no trouble.
It would be okay with you if we could maybe just hang out at night and do a little sleuthing ourselves.
I feel like as guards, we're obligated to assist you on this quest.
I'm going to report back tomorrow when you report back with all the nothing you've seen.
Well, that sounds really good.
Yeah, okay, good.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Baron.
Captain Baron.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More. He, him also with me today is Tom Laird.
He, him and I'm playing Moot, who also goes by he, him.
And Amy More.
She, her and I play Sullivan Sleight, a lightfoot halfling rogue who goes with he, him.
And joining us again today from the lovely podcast that broadsorts, BZelda.
What's up, what's up? I'm they, them and I'm joining you playing Zee, the half-orc pAlydin, they, them.
And Tracy Gibbons.
Hey, I'm Tracy, she, her and today I'm going to be playing the half-orc barbarian Zed, who uses they, them pronouns.
Thank you so much for joining us again this week.
I'm so glad I didn't have to kill anybody off right away last week.
Yay!
No senseless murder.
Hey, you know where everyone survives is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
That's right, we're offering immortality over there.
Wow.
Come on.
But wait, Highlander, there can only be one.
Like today's, no, you get an episode dedicated to you.
That's what I was trying to talk about.
Ah, it was a weird jump in my brain.
I know.
There can only be one patron or only one immortal?
That's a terrible slogan for patrons.
There can be many, if you want to be one.
Many patrons, only one immortal, so we'll talk about that later.
But today's patron, today's, here, today's dedicated immortal patron.
Ah.
Because immortalizing them in the podcast.
Took you like a long time to get there, but you got there.
It was rough.
Next up is Shosuro Ajo.
Shosuro Ajo?
That's the name.
Ah, I love it.
I love it.
Thanks, Oshiro.
Our patrons have the most awesome names.
And now, fuck it, let's play.
Wow.
The sweaty armpit is much, it's a little different on the inside than I thought it
would be from the sign outside.
Yeah, it's more than just a tent, you know.
It's like 15 tents combined.
Into a mega tent, yeah.
Sewn together, like just one long, it's impressive.
Yeah, when it rains, you get clean as well.
It's like a double, it's a win-win, really.
Zed will never come to the smelly armpit when it's raining.
No, I gotta stay, you know, gotta keep that base dirt layer on.
Well, that's what protects the skin.
Yep.
So, um.
Would you like me to list off my top three favorite dishes?
I really would.
Okay, well, we have some ketchup soup, which has a little bit of basil,
it's sprinkled on top.
Big fan.
We have all-dressed chip breadcrumbs that have been smushed on top of
chicken.
And finally, there is this delectable dessert that has sweet gravy on top
of these tiny potato sticks and a lot of cheese.
That's for dessert, though.
Like describing my poor childhood meals.
I heard ketchup soup and was just like, Carla too, Carla too would be like,
ate that.
Right up there with a piece of Wonder Bread wrapped around a hot dog.
Oh, heck yes, Cheez Whiz, if you're lucky.
Yes.
Zed, what are your top three favorite dishes here?
I think my number one is stew, which is written on the menu with a question
mark because it doesn't fully constitute stew because you need to have
potatoes, vegetables and meat and every time it's missing one of the three.
Changes the broth.
Yeah, it's just kind of like you're rolling the dice on that one,
aren't you?
A little bit of intrigue every time for dinner.
Yeah, exactly.
I like a good surprise.
Most of the time it's the vegetables that you lose, you know,
which is OK.
I'm also fond of the, you know, seared elk with mint reduction.
It's so fancy.
Sounds fucking good.
We went from stew that is missing one of three key ingredients.
We went from ketchup soup and an all dress crumb chip chicken to seared elk
with a mint reduction.
Is Zee ordering off the kids menu and Zed is ordering off the real menu?
That's exactly what I was thinking.
I thought there was only one menu.
Choose one of the ones that you can color on.
You got to turn it over.
There's more on the other side.
Can never get through that maze in one go though.
And then for dessert is the strawberry cake with vanilla compote.
I've seen about that.
It's good.
I like that.
It's like a reverse of what you would normally see.
Yeah.
How they do it.
We'll never know.
How's Moot feeling about this food establishment?
Moot is definitely leaning towards the adult menu over the kids menu,
but he likes the sound of the crushed up chip chicken.
Like he really is intrigued by that.
What did Sully and Moot order?
Did you take one of the suggestions or did you?
Moot saw that they also had just cherry turnovers on the menu for dessert.
So he just ordered like several servings of that.
Hell yeah.
Sully went off menu and wanted and wanted his seared elk steak to be crusted in the all dress chips.
Mind blowing.
You've changed Zed's life with that.
My life and also the chef's life.
Right?
I'm sure the chefs love modifiers.
You know, it really makes their day that much better.
One of those secret menu hacks.
Yeah, I think they do like that.
Well, you got to be able to stretch those ingredients so they don't go bad, right?
Because we're worried about all trash chips going down.
That's a real concern.
Look, a bag has never lasted that long.
I don't know if they go bad.
It's true.
Do they go bad in more than like a day?
I'll never know.
I think with the amount of saltiness that goes on to these specific chips,
and I love salty things, but I just can't handle it,
and the vinegar, I think those chips would last a long time.
They will last forever.
I think they would.
Probably true.
Welcome to our podcast in a podcast all about all dress chips.
Chip chat.
As the evening goes on, you enjoy your meals
and you regale each other with different stories of guarding and or adventuring.
We just tell them about the other cities that we've been to.
Not even the adventures, just the fact that we've been there and seen them.
Mind blowing.
We believe everything that you said, even if it's not true.
We thought cities were just something that like merchants talked about,
but like really merchants just kind of go back to their home and then come back here.
The time has passed so quickly in all of this involved chatter of cities and food.
You catch out of the corner of your eye in the window, it's dark now.
Like it's the sun has long set.
And in fact, most of the people in the tavern,
not that there were a huge number to begin with,
but they have all left too and there's just the one barkeep.
She's standing just cleaning up, looking over kind of to her imaginary watch.
And like, can I?
Oh, no, Baron was taking care of it, right?
I can't even move you along with the bill.
Oh, but we can leave.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no, we don't want to take up.
Can I have a beer to go?
Please.
Sure.
Oh, yeah. Do you have go cups?
Well, we have mugs.
I mean, we've got to bring them back.
Yeah, I can keep yours.
I know where Z and Z work.
I'll find the mugs.
It's okay.
She pours four ales and brings them over to you.
So what are you four up to tonight?
Looking for trouble?
Was that what it was Sullivan?
Looking for the night screams, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, because we're not we're not looking for trouble because I think that gives a wrong impression of what we're trying to do because we're like anti trouble.
Yeah, not the colloquial looking for trouble, but we're actively searching to find the source of the trouble.
Oh, some sort of trouble.
Stoppers.
Yeah, we want to know where all that Wayland's coming from.
And I'm not talking about what's coming from probably Maggie's tent.
If you know what I mean.
Yeah, don't swing by Maggie's tent.
She nasty.
If you if she's mentioned it, watch yourself.
Yeah, she has and she gave me some ice.
Okay.
Now, she changed my diapers.
I don't want to hear this.
That cover my ears.
I do.
She changed everybody's diapers.
How old is Maggie?
You can't put an age on on a woman like that.
Yeah.
Age can't hold her down.
Don't put it in that box.
Yeah.
So what happens to screaming stuff?
And who's 10?
I just like, you know, you know, it sounds like somebody's turning into a ghost or an
elephant stepping on a mouse or the Smith's doing their taxes.
Or if said would like to offer up this information, it could also be the night
hunters or the busily grares.
I don't know.
I don't know what time it starts.
But if you're going to go, you should probably go now.
OK, then.
Thank you for your service.
Thanks for the to go flagons.
Of course, I'll come pick them up at the at the front gate there tomorrow.
There's something about leaving a bar and going out into the crisp night air and
it's dark, but you went into the bar when it was light outside.
Do you remember going to bars?
I kind of miss that and I hate bars.
Yeah, not my favorite either.
But like it sounds real good.
Yeah, it does.
You step out of the sweaty armpit.
The city before you is not the same as when you went in because it's darker
because we're drunk.
Yes.
And yes, full of turnovers.
Nailed it.
As the last of you leave, you hear the door quickly shut and then lock that.
Did you mean zip?
It was a tent.
The door quickly.
I forgot we were in a tent.
She really did mean last call.
Hey, yeah, that's normal.
Nothing to be worried about.
You turn and you begin to figure out which way you're going to go.
But where you saw tents and small houses before, you see high walled buildings
built tightly together that stretch high into the sky.
And the light of the moon barely crests over.
It's difficult to see.
There are deep shadows that fill the cracks and crevices before you.
And those shadows appear to move and follow you.
Ahead, where there was a clear path, you now see five long streets that seemingly extend
as far as the eye can see, where you only see darkness at the end.
How long were we in there for?
Uh, I don't know.
Sud never really taught me how to read the time.
Yeah, time's a little funny in this witty armpit, you know?
Is this what it always looks like at night?
Yeah, I want to retract that because I don't think however long you spend in a place
changes the physical world outside of that place.
So I want, that was, you know what, that was the, that was the ale talking.
Uh, maybe shouldn't have had a couple because, you know, we're investigating and stuff.
But, you know, new city, new friends.
I'm not going to make excuses for myself.
I mean, drinking on the job is a requirement.
So we're doing our job.
Okay, there we go.
Mm-hmm.
So does it look like this at night?
A lot?
Zed, I think what?
This doesn't quite feel right.
No, this is, uh, I mean, we've seen some weird shit, but this is like weirder shit.
These buildings, they're so high.
Yeah, real tall tents.
I don't even think these are tents.
Zed, I think these are like made of stone and stuff.
A crack of energy is heard and rings out, and a high-pitched whine rings out on the air that rushes towards you and blasts you backwards.
Make a dexterity saving throw, everybody.
Oh, that's okay.
Well, that's not the best.
Uh, 13.
Uh, natural one.
Hey!
12 for me.
I got a 19.
Z, Moot, and Sully, you, you're pushed backwards.
Z, you manage to stand, stand, you keep your ground.
You're not knocked back, but Moot and Sully, you're knocked back and into a, like, a brick wall that certainly wasn't there before because you just turned and left a tent.
Zed, you are blown back so hard you hit the back of your head and you take three bludgeoning damage.
No.
And are stunned for one minute.
Whoa, Zed, you okay?
Uh.
Sibling.
That was metal.
Was it? Did it look cool?
It looked really cool.
Yeah, that was super cool.
What was that?
Oh yeah, we should, what was that?
Angry wind.
Is that a thing here? Do you have angry wind that throws people around?
Uh, not that I remember.
I mean, this whole place seems a little bit weird.
Weird. I don't know, am I too drunk? How many fingers am I holding up?
Four.
Okay, I mean, you never taught me how to count, so that seems right.
All right, I'm not dreaming then.
No, I think, uh, uh, environment seems to be changing and, um, I don't think that just happens on its own.
I think someone's got to do that.
Hey, come out here and fight like a, you know, like person thing that's fightable.
You hear flapping of wings and a low moaning whale coming from overhead and behind you in direction.
Is that the screaming?
Or is it the owl that the mayor baron mentioned?
Oh, come on, that owl was bullshit.
I thought the owl was real, but, uh...
I just don't think that your baron mare is very trustworthy.
Really?
A man who's been trying to grow a mustache for the four months that I've known him, I think is very trustworthy.
But if he was trustworthy, wouldn't he have already grown that mustache for you, Z?
Sully raises a good point.
Overhead in the dim night sky, you see huge wingspan coast out over this large wall that you've backed into and some of you have hit your head into.
And it looks like you can see two figures in what looks like large, like, claws as it soars overhead and then moves towards these five different streets and almost like flickers in your vision, like between them quickly.
Everybody make a perception check.
I am killing it with these rules.
Ten.
Eleven.
Fourteen.
Nineteen.
Look at that!
Drunk Z is on their game.
Moot, Zed, and Sully, you...
Like, the sight of this thing flickers for you and you can't tell which one has gone down.
In fact, you each see different ones.
Sully, you see it go to the far right.
Moot, you see it go straight down the middle.
Zed, you see it go one left of center.
Bee, you see it go down just right of center.
I'm just going to start walking in that direction.
Come on, Zed.
No, Kavin.
Oh, I think it's off to the right here.
I think you're just one...
You're just one to the left.
I think it's this one.
Nothing gets by Drunk Z.
Yeah, trust me.
I've hung out with Drunk Z a lot.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, every night, but yeah.
I mean, if Drunk Z says that's what we got to do.
Well, you know what?
It looks like they're all going in the same direction anyway.
Let's go.
Okay, before we go though, I'm feeling like I'm really lacking a shield.
So I'm going to use a spell slot to cast Shield of Faith,
which just kind of gives me a plus two bonus to my AC.
It really just looks like Sandy the shield, but much cooler.
It's Syndra the shield.
You follow Z's drunk direction,
and you begin walking down this long passageway,
this long street ahead of you.
There are no real separation of buildings.
Like, they all kind of just are built together.
Like, it's a smooth wall.
In each, like, every 20 feet or so,
there's a doorway, and it's recessed.
There's no physical door to it,
but deep shadow that extends in each of these doorways as you walk past.
Does anybody feel like the shadows are following us?
I do kind of feel like we all be a watched.
Like, I know your own shadow follows you.
Sorry, Moot, what was that?
I just definitely have that feeling.
Okay, I do want to make it known that most of the time
your own shadow does follow you,
but those ones seem a little different.
Just most of the time?
Yeah, if you close your eyes, it's not there.
Right.
Uh, have you seen any animals like that before,
and what was it holding?
It was really big. Was it holding people?
Couldn't quite tell.
Do you have a bird snatching people?
Z, are people going missing?
Uh...
Nobody that I know, but I mean, I only really know you, so...
Yeah, I just know you and Maggie.
Yeah, I know the Baron.
Wait a minute, you said that this place, people used to be happier, right?
Oh, so much happier.
And then people started being not happy.
Yeah.
And people started walking into you.
Yeah.
I'm theorizing right now that there's, here it is,
there's a big bird that's coming in
and snatching happy people
and taking them somewhere and sucking the happiness out of them,
making them scream,
and then bringing them back,
dropping them off to live their sad, unhappy lives,
bumping into people,
and being unhappy.
That's very logical. Wow.
Why? What does the happiness do that they take from them?
Well, I don't know, doesn't everyone want to be more happy?
I know. Do you think they harvest it?
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, Zed.
Are you not happy?
Are you not happy with me?
No, no, I'm just saying, like,
don't you ever think to yourself, Zed,
that you're happy, but you could be happier, you know?
No, I'm happy every day I wake up
and I find you falling on top of the tent.
We just learned there are other cities out there.
There's, like, more to life than we thought there was.
Yeah, I'm going to have to sit down and think about that one.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, no, not here, not here.
No, Zed, let's just keep going.
You can sit down on it later.
Okay, okay, I'll put that thought behind my brain
because I can't really focus on two things at once.
The four of you carry on down this passageway,
and it seems to go on for a long time.
After this conversation, like, you're just walking
and this echoing sound of your footsteps
are just bouncing off of the walls.
Every once in a while, you think you catch, like,
a glint of light past one of these doorways,
but if you look closer, it quickly fades and is gone.
It takes several minutes before you reach the end
of this long corridor,
and it appears, like, just like a dark, black void
at the end once you get there.
Like just a wall of blackness?
Not a wall, but like the walls fade out
and, like, blend into this darkness.
Should I throw my shoe in there?
Yeah.
Okay.
I throw my shoe.
You throw your shoe, and when that big creature
flew overhead and went down one of the paths,
you see that same flicker effect.
Like, you see, like, almost like the image transforms back
to the place at the beginning of the tent.
You see a darkly illuminated castle,
the town hall where the Baron resides.
You see the tavern itself.
You see Sandy and Axelina sitting at the front gate,
and then it fades back to black.
That was home.
That was our home, Zed.
Whoa.
Are you homesick?
Yeah.
How about you?
I guess this is the farthest I've ever been away from home.
Moot, where are we?
You're well-traveled.
You probably know this location, then.
Yeah, maybe.
Sully, what do you think?
Does this look familiar?
Oh, we're definitely in an alternate dimension
placed inside, like, a little pocket dimension
placed inside your city.
Uh...
That's what I was going to say.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Yeah, because 40% of the time,
pocket dimensions happen, like, every time in a city.
Whoa.
That's just math.
Yeah.
Maybe I should use my arcana
to see if there's anything I can figure out here.
Is it all magical?
Am I just the one that's magical?
Yeah, roll it.
Is there magic in everything?
This is intense, sibling.
Yeah, I'm going to get in on this arcana roll.
13?
You know what? Me too, even though I'm real bad at it.
Yeah, me too. Yeah.
You never know what you're going to hit, right?
You never know.
Oh, I rolled a two, you guys.
Nine.
15.
Ooh, Moot got the highest.
Sully lives here now.
Yeah, checks out.
Moot and Z...
Yeah, you definitely get a sense
that there's some illusory effect.
Sully's onto something with what he's saying,
and the flashing between places,
you don't feel like you're there,
but it's an image flashing.
Perhaps it's trying to distract.
That's kind of the feel that Z and Moot get.
Moot, do you feel like this is a really good distraction?
Something's going on,
and I'm not entirely sure what it is.
I dabble a little bit in the magics,
but this isn't like anything I've ever seen before.
Okay, I mean, I dabble in god magic
in the sense that my god lets me do some stuff,
you know, god, lowercase g,
but I don't really know what to do with this either.
Should I just poke my head through?
Oh, okay. I'll look away, though, just in case.
Do I need to hit something with my axe?
Keep your axe out.
Okay, done, and I have my axe out.
I'd like to somehow stealthily poke my head through this illusion.
Okay, you're trying to move forward.
I may die.
Zee, you're looking back down the way you came.
Yep.
And Zed, you have your axe out, and Moot,
you're just being Moot.
Rock it.
So Sully, you're just trying to walk forward
until something changes, essentially, yes?
Yeah, pretty much.
You walk forward, and then...
So Zed and Moot, you would see as Sully walks forward,
you see kind of that flickering effect again,
but it's not landing on any one particular location.
Sully, you don't see it as you're walking in
until you get to a point where it starts to...
the darkness starts to open up,
and it's opening onto the castle.
Like, you see it clearly.
Like, you're opening, and you come around to the corner,
and there's the castle now.
You see this large beast that you were following
up in the sky, and it's landing down behind the castle.
Zee, you turn around,
and as Sully's walking forward,
you hear, like, slow, dragging footsteps.
You don't see them.
It's gotten darker,
and you hear just these, like, slow, like,
one foot off to the side, and then it hits,
and then there's another step,
and then they start to multiply.
There's more of them coming down towards you.
Oh, gosh, I have two things that I want to do.
I want to break my concentration
and cast my Protection of Good and Evil,
but I also really want that extra AC.
Oh, I hate playing casters.
Hey. Hey, everybody.
There's, like, the castle's, like, right here,
and the bird landed in the backyard.
I have command.
Okay.
The only thing is I can't quite see them,
so I want to start walking in that direction,
looking to see what I can.
So you're walking towards the sound?
Yep.
Roger that.
I haven't said anything to anybody else.
I'm just walking away with my one shoe off.
Just one shoe.
Do I find Zee's shoe?
You see Zee's shoe.
Oh, okay, I pick it up.
Oh, thanks.
Zed and Moot, you hear, softly,
Zee walking off.
I assume you have heavy boots.
I think so.
But also, like, mixed in with this dragging foot sound.
And it's nighttime, right, Ross?
Yes.
All right.
It appears to be night, like, where Sully is,
where you are, night all in general.
I'm going to take out a torch,
and I'm going to cast my light spell on it
just to give us some more light in this situation.
See if we can see what's making that noise.
You're casting magic?
I am casting magic.
Oh, no.
But I rolled a 15, so it should be all right
on that wild magic surge.
No wild magic.
Fine.
Nerd.
Your light spell goes off,
and it's almost like this light spell hits this wall,
and then the wall disperses,
and ahead of you, you see this corridor
filled with undead,
like, five feet in front of you.
Is there a good...
So I can command up to 60 feet?
Sure.
Okay, I just want to command them.
Approach.
Come here, please.
That was two natural ones in a row.
Oh, yeah, five of them snap to attention
and just hop on over.
Well, hello.
So what brings you five here?
Okay, I think there's a language barrier.
I'm going to turn behind me.
Does anybody speak...
I'm going to turn back to them.
I'm sorry.
Could you tell me what language you speak,
but in common?
That was longer than the last one.
Okay.
Does anybody speak...
Is that giant?
It sounds kind of giant.
And I want to say in giant...
Hey?
What's up?
And from behind you yell,
Hey, Z, I found your shoe!
Oh, that's excellent.
I can stop walking around with my shoe on.
Thank you.
I made some friends while you were away.
Moot, would you like to come and meet them?
The greater horde has now caught up to
the five that got snappy.
Unless you do anything against
you to make a dexterity saving throw, Z.
I'll make that dex save.
See, he's trying to have a conversation.
Right.
I got a 12.
Two of them reach out and try and
grab you and like slip off of your
arms as you take a step back
as they now overtake
the five that you had commanded.
Hey now, we were having a conversation.
That wasn't very polite.
What did you tell them, Zed?
You gotta make sure that your dialect with giant
speak is like the right one, otherwise
I said something rude.
Oh, yeah.
What's up?
And go fuck yourself some free
Sibylone giant.
I know you mix them up all the time.
All right. I don't want to.
I think they want to hug us, but
Hug them then.
You know,
Maggie never really gave us hugs
growing up, so I'm not really a big
fan of them.
Punch them then.
Yeah. Is that like, I mean,
Maggie never punched us, so
No, but you know,
if you really don't want to hug, just give them
a punch.
Set your boundaries, Zee.
Okay, unarm strike.
Can I see any of this going on
from where I am? Everything! What are you two
doing?
I'm watching
in astonishment
as Zee's just trying to
communicate. Zombies get closer
and then they back off.
I'm making the sign of like, get away
from the undeads, but
no, no one's...
23 to hit. Putting in some firm
boundaries. Yep, that'll hit it.
That's a 3 plus
4. 7.
Okay, tell me how you kill the zombie.
It's your bare hands. I'm trying
to establish boundaries.
And if you keep trying
to grab at me like that, this makes my
job very difficult.
Now please, and I'm just going to
punch like the center of the mass.
But again, I think I'm wearing
a lot of armor, so like, I got
the pointy stuff on my
hands, and it's just like a classic
jab to the center of them.
Yeah, no, it collapses
the chest and
they fall to the ground, and then
everything almost stops for a moment.
And then the moaning gets
louder, and they seem to pick up
intensity and pace towards you.
Hey, I think everybody should probably
run back here, because look,
there's a castle we could hide in. I mean,
seek refuge. I mean,
find the big bird.
I like your line of thinking. That's a pretty good
idea, I think. Maybe we should go.
Do we know, though? Zed, do these
zombies sound like
the Smiths
doing taxes?
No, that's like, way more
agonized. Do you think it
sounds maybe like
a busily grair? No,
that sounds more like badass.
Okay.
It's the middle!
Wow. It's a big showstopper,
because it's a big day.
It's a huge day. So big. Hey,
did y'all hear? Our voices
300,000 times?
You did! You did!
Maybe not you individually,
but the collective
you of listeners.
You contributed to the problem.
You've encouraged
these shenanigans. First off,
how dare you? Yeah, geez,
don't encourage us. We don't deserve
that. But hey, we made it
to 300,000 downloads. What does
that mean? People listen to us
all over the place in a lot. And that's
completely overwhelming and wonderful.
That's a crazy number. Yeah,
it's so much. It just seems
like yesterday that we were like, guys, we hit
100 downloads and it wasn't just Russ.
I know. We pulled all
of our friends and family and it wasn't just
them. Yeah, because we all just figured
it was Russ. I pulled all my friends and
family and it definitely wasn't them.
My dad tried once
and he said,
it's just not for me. My brother tried and he said,
I don't get it. And I was like,
you're only five years older than me. That's fair. Get a
sense of humor. Am I right?
Right. Right.
Carla's entire family supports
us on Patreon. Right.
Thank you, Carla's family.
And also all of you for listening and bumping
us up to that really enormous number.
It's so crazy and we love you
and thank you because
jeepers creepers. That's just
wild. And where did you get them peepers?
Probably
somewhere dark because
it's the darkest time. Oh, no.
We don't know when we're releasing this.
Who knows? It's the darkest timeline
somewhere. Isn't that
the same? That's horrible. Yeah, that's the silver
lining, Carla. Nice.
Somewhere people are losing their minds.
Somewhere. Yeah.
Alright. Well, let's bring it back up.
Thank you so much for listening to us 300,000
times. Yes, you. You specifically.
But we just want to say thank you.
And that's all we got. So we're going to get you back to the
episode with our eternal
praises and tell you that we
love you and we'll see you all
next week.
We'll see you in like 30 seconds because we'll
be back to the show.
I don't know how this works. Okay, bye.
We love you. Bye. We've done this how many
times?
Zed and Zee make a perception
check as you're turning and leaving
casually.
Fourteen.
Five.
Fourteen.
You do a scan of
the crowd and some
of the faces of these
undead seem familiar
to you. One of them
does look like
one of the smiths.
Zee, is the smiths doing
their taxes?
What do you mean, Zed? Look at it.
It's Griselda Smith.
Are they really doing taxes in there
though? I don't know, but they're looking pretty undead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should really get back
to Sully.
I'm feeling a little uncomfortable
now. Bye, Smith. Sully's standing at the edge
like, come on, come on,
come on.
Come in.
Just gotta move kinda slow.
Everybody rushes
out at their own pace. You bound
up to the castle out of what looks like
just one of the regular
streets. Not even the streets because
there's an extra gate
that went into the castle. They're just filing
into this front
area of
the castle where you had previously parked
Rolf. Who, you parked somewhere else, I'm
assuming. Oh, yeah, definitely.
Because we had to take him to go
to the tavern.
We're just gonna leave our
donkey in the driveway
of the Bear Marins.
Animals are safe. It's fine.
I'm just asking. You're going up
the entrance, you're going behind the building.
Where are you going?
I think behind the building because that's
where Sully saw the bird go.
So he's maybe running ahead being like
come on everyone, this way.
You rush around the building
everybody else following behind you.
Sully, you're first to see it.
But as everybody else comes around the corner, you also see
there's another building that previously
Z and Zed
you had no knowledge
of this extra building back there.
And it's illuminated.
There's this pathway illuminated
by torches. You see this
big winged creature
standing up behind
it. You see the head of this
creature up and behind this building
shadowed, lit
by the moonlight.
And then there are
a door slightly cracked open
and you see just a
thin light, like
flickering fire light coming from
inside this building. Do I recognize this
creature? You can roll
nature? Nature is probably good.
Nature really was smart.
How about an eight?
No, you don't recognize this creature.
It doesn't look of this
world, I guess you could say.
Nothing that
you have seen in the natural
nature in your
travels. Well that building's new.
Like this is a new
like someone just put this building up
or you've never been
back here? Zed, have we been back here before?
Maybe when we were drunk?
I definitely haven't seen this building.
What about that garden? Have you thrown up in that garden?
You know, it's all gardens
blurred together under vomit.
Okay, well friends,
I can't comfortably lead you into the building
knowing everything is going to be safe and okay.
Plus there's that really scary bird
up top. But I want to let you
know that I'm here to, Zed and I
were here to do our guardly duties.
Cool. Is there someone
that you need to alert in terms
of zombie
attack?
This is never happened before.
Maybe we should talk to Chief Benson?
Is there a guard that lives on the property?
Well that's X.
Because is this maybe a guard house?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, so you're saying we should just go barge in that door
that's slightly ajar?
Well, I mean it's slightly ajar.
It's basically a welcome, isn't it?
Well, an invitation, at least.
Okay, let's just hope the bird doesn't try to claw at us
as we get on closer.
You are stealthily moving towards it.
You are just moving towards it.
Stealthily. Stealth, it's the only good thing I do.
That and steal stuff. Everybody has to make it to us.
I'm a disadvantage for stealth, y'all.
You?
No.
And so many shields.
Can I, I can do something
to help with that. Help, maybe you can
hold their armor steady
as they walk forward.
Yeah, I'll be like a human
or halfling elastic band
to keep them from jangling.
Perfect.
I got a 3 total.
Wear me like a belt.
Just wrap yourself around me.
Hold it all together.
I had an 18, Russ.
I also rolled an 18.
Oh geez, an 8. Alright, you guys distract them.
Forgotten going quietly.
I don't know what quiet is.
Moot and Sully,
you realize, Sully,
you realize that the belt situation is
not working and you zip forward
with Moot. Zed and Zee,
you
more, more
clangily
carry forward, but no one
seems to come out
of the building.
But by the time you reach
the door, you hear the moaning
of the undead
following you around
this castle. You peer in
and there are torches
lit all around this room. You see
a dark robed figure standing
up at a pedestal
of sorts. There are
two human figures
crouched down before
this robed figure.
There's this illuminated light between
them. It's not a torch.
Almost floating in front
of them. And behind this
robed figure is like this
wavy black
and purple.
It looks almost fluid.
The wall itself is like this
undulating
black and purple fluid behind
that takes up almost the entire wall.
Russ, do these robes look familiar
to us at all? Maybe someone we met
earlier that night in an office?
Perhaps they are dark brown robes?
The colors
themselves aren't
too much to match. But roll
perception to see if you can tell
if it's like same
body stance or stature.
Fuck you. God damn it.
What was it?
What? You've been
killing it on those tonight, Tracy.
The secret of gaming with me is I roll
really poorly all the time.
You're an Amy. What do we got there?
I want to show you my 20 but it's not working.
We believe you.
The yin and yang,
we've achieved bAlydince.
Where's your 20, Tom?
I had like a 16.
Immediately you recognize
it as Mayor Barron.
Everybody else,
there's some that just don't get it.
I won't point fingers.
But some that just don't get that connection. Others
it takes a minute but you get it
instantly as soon as you see this figure standing
up at this pedestal.
I think he smells a certain way.
Whatever.
It's the Sandalwood.
I was going to say it was Sandalwood-y.
It's whatever he puts in his...
It's whatever he's been using on his face
all the time to try and grow his facial hair, you know?
Mayor Barron?
I smelled you a mile away.
I didn't think I'd see you here. What's up?
Whoa, it's the Mayoron?
Yeah. Wow, that was really good of you, Zed.
Whoa.
Picked up on Sully's portmanteau like that.
You see the figure look up
and like startled, like
gather up a book that's on the
pedestal. Whatcha reading, brother?
He turns and he says,
I...
No. No.
You can't. You can't
stop. No.
And he turns
and begins to move towards the black
and purple wall. I want to throw something at him.
Throw it. You got a boot still?
No. Yeah. But...
You got a boot still? I am.
I want to throw the boot. I've just been hanging on to it.
There's been no good time to stop and put a shoe on.
Let's face it.
I want to huck a boot.
Roll a ranged attack. Oh, it was over ten.
It was an eleven.
Plus seven. Yeah. Eighteen.
Eighteen for boot?
Take my boot. It's not even mine.
Take Z's boot. That looks familiar.
Boot flies through the air. Time slows
down. The boot hits the back
of Mayor Barron
basic. His arms go wide
as it connects like center with his spine
and the book goes flying.
And he turns
and looks and like his hood
comes off and you see his panic
poorly mustached face
and he looks at the two people
and he turns
and leaves the book and jumps through the wall
which waves
out and then sucks
up. And then you hear
this loud, not explosion
but that same crack of energy you heard
when you left the tavern.
And the wall goes back to a brick wall
and the two people sitting in the center
of the room kind of like shake
their heads and look around and they're
concerned like they don't
recognize where they are.
You two recognize them as
Betty and Gareth.
Obviously. We see them at the
bar all the time. Characters we haven't met yet.
Makes sense to introduce them in the last seconds.
It's not like we gave you a lot of NPCs to work with.
They're like
what's happening?
Where are we?
I was hoping you could tell us that.
Well we were sleeping and then we woke up here.
Well I think this is the
Mayor Barron's shed.
Yeah.
Oh the mayoral shed.
Yeah like the man cave right?
Amu you want to grab that book down there?
I know you love books.
Yeah I'm going to stroll on over and grab that book Russ.
It has runes all over the outside.
It's a leather book
and it's like the spine
there's runes filling it top to bottom.
It looks very important.
Does it look orcas-y?
You open it up and it's filled with passages.
All of which you can't read
because you can't read.
Well you can't read either?
At all? We're just learning this about Amu.
Yeah you can't read the specific language.
I write down a lot of things
but I can't actually read it.
All pictures.
You're looking at the book and you listen for a moment
and the sound has died down
considerably outside.
Is there a window in this place?
Did I say there was a window?
No I just said the light came from the door.
I just want to pop my head out really quick
to see if there's still a giant bird behind this building.
So you go out the door
and you immediately don't see any of the
undead anymore.
And the bird is gone as well.
We did it?
Wow.
Gawass.
Yeah. Can I share with you
my theory? It just came to me right now.
Oh absolutely.
I think that
Mayor Baron is also
a bird. That's why he chose the
name Baron because I'm sure Barons
have something to do with birds.
I don't know about all those zombies though.
Other than the fact that
our friend was in there.
One of the Smiths.
No birds?
I think they're just dead. That was a good thought though.
That was good said.
What about you Sully? Any theories?
I think we're all sharing them.
What if Mayor Baron
was controlling the big bird
and it would bring him
happy people
and then he would suck
the energy out of them turning them
into zombies?
All to help make his mustache
grow.
Okay, I like this theory.
I'm going to have to circle back
to Z's ghostification theory.
I think that's a little more
along the lines of what was happening here.
We've all got really good ones.
Zed, do you have any you want to share?
I don't know, I'm just so like
this was a night, like I need
a drink before my mind
explodes.
Are we still holding our mugs?
I was just wondering that actually.
Do we still have our travel mugs?
But he said they dropped it.
No, the whole time. Watching the zombies
approach, just like taking a sip
wondering are they going to run?
I'm going to hand my travel mug over to Zed.
And I actually just remember
like you passed it to me and I remember that I actually had one
in my left hand the whole time and I'm like whoa
and I have two travel mugs and I
take alternating sips from the two mugs.
Thanks Moot.
No problem.
No problem at all.
I guess we should
take these people home.
Oh they know the way home. We should probably go talk to the mayor baron.
Oh yeah,
you guys should probably get out of here.
So that your souls don't
get eaten.
Wait, what? We think their souls are getting eaten?
Oh shit.
You said horrible screaming. I can only assume
that's a scream someone makes when
they get turned into
a zombie
but then they're just a shell
of a person
walking around the town.
Hold on, new idea. Is everybody
in the town a zombie and I just didn't notice?
Are you a zombie? Am I
a zombie? Oh gosh, somebody
pinched me. I pinch you.
Well I don't think zombies can ask the question
am I a zombie? Okay, well I felt that pinch.
Oh,
zombies don't have self awa- Okay, I'm getting off track.
We should go see the mayor baron.
Okay, you two all right?
I think there's a lot of talk of zombies
and bird
people and ghosts
I don't know.
Sully hands his
probably like
two thirds empty
go mug
to them and is like
this might help, I'll get you started
anyway and ushers him out the door.
Okay, thank you
Zed and Zee and
you, you two.
They
hazily walk off
back around the castle.
Okay, let's go get
the baron and then Sully does
like the hand and fist.
Real aggressive.
Where are you going to get the
baron? Back into the castle.
He jumped through the portal thing though.
Doesn't he have to still run the
city? Yeah, won't he be there tomorrow morning?
That's what I assumed.
I mean if he is that's very impressive, but I got the feeling
he was bailing completely.
That makes more sense.
So you go sit out in Baron
Mayor Baron's office
and you wait there until the next day
and nobody shows up. Well, that's
not true.
Mag shows up the next morning
and looks in the door.
What are you four doing here?
Hey, Maggie.
Maggie, I found this note
on the Mayor Baron's desk that
said if he disappears
he wants Z and Zed
to be the new mayor.
Wait, what?
Let me see.
Moot, did you happen to have me write this by
any chance?
Somebody who wrote it make a deception
check. Yes, we definitely
had Sully write it. Well, because
I have a forgery kit.
Okay, so you get
advantage. I was questioning
whether Moot could actually read or write.
He can.
Well, that's an 18
plus, what was it?
Deception. Deception.
22 or a
23.
I'd say go for the 23.
Really pulling it out at the end here.
She looks at it and
raises one eyebrow over the note
and says, well,
the seal of approval
is here.
I guess if he doesn't show up by noon.
Unorthodox
for sure, but definitely on the
up and up. Alright, well, I mean
they were a write-in ballot, so
this is still
legit.
And Mayor Baron doesn't show up by
noon and quickly
put into office
Zed and Zed.
We fade out on their
processional arrangement. They've got
sashes. Oh, yeah.
Huge lavish
sashes. Do you have your axes
like, stapled to the sashes so it's just
like a sash of axes as well? Yes.
Oh, they're like in like loops. Yeah, exactly.
They're in like loops. Kind of a little bit like
Chewie's sash, but with axes.
Sure, the bandolier, yeah.
And as you're riding in the
back of Moot and
Sully's carriage with Rolf pulling you
through the streets, everyone has
come out, but something you notice
is that although everyone is out,
two-thirds of the town is missing.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, Season 2,
Episode 77,
a homesick feeling,
yet I was starring Amy More
as Sullivan Slyke, Tom Laird
as Moot, and me, Russ More,
as your Dungeon Master.
We had special guests Tracy Gibbons as Zed
and B Zelda as Zee.
You can find them both and look for them
in the description below.
Thanks for watching.
You can listen to them on the BroadSwords.
You can find that at thebroadswords.com.
Editing, production, and
sound design was by me, Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic
Sound and sound effects from Epidemic
Sound and BoomLibrary.com.
Want to send out a huge thank you to
our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch,
Jessica Babyok, Mark Heartless,
Stevie, CatWaterflame, Jacob Madden,
Christian Brown, Devin Michaels,
Aaron Stevens, and Ray Sirbeck.
If you're able to and wish to support
Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions
and get access to an exclusive podcast,
bonus episodes, and a whole lot more,
please join our Patreon
at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
Just want to say thank you so much
for listening. You have a great week
and we're going to talk again real soon.
Russ right now is thinking of a recipe
he could put in the air fryer.
Covered chips in all-dressed chicken.
Honestly, 100% cut.
Egg wash to get it to stick.
Isn't it just
a savory panko?
Dinner tomorrow night, baby.
I got all-dressed chips.
Here we go.
Should never not have all-dressed chips.
Oh, I can't with the all-dressed chip.
Is it vinegary?
Is it ketchup?
It's all of those.
It's like a Dr. Pepper.
There's 23 flavors.
You can't pick out just the one.
Oh, no, I love Dr. Pepper.
See, I don't like Dr. Pepper,
but I will live and die for all-dressed chips.
Outnumbered. Finally, finally!
I'm not Canadian enough.
No.
Dang.
This is where Russ can't read his writing.
We run into this problem a lot.
And sometimes he's like,
don't look at my book, and I'm like,
as if I could read it.
No worries.
Whoa.
Can you change my mind with a really good perception rule?
Maybe.
Not likely. Let's see.
Hope he's like, change my mind.
Sure can't. Just roll this.
Make me believe.
Where is it? It's there somewhere.
It's a one.
I saw a seven.
It wasn't a seven.
It was, in fact, a one.
All gardens look the same covered in vomit.
That's the saying, right?
I'm pretty sure.
You got it.
It's deep.
I can't remember his real name now.
Baron von Mare.
Jasek.
Mare Baron.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.